Previous misandrist lullabies can be found here and here. This particular dose of misandry has been brought to you by Toast reader Alexandra Mitchell.
She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes
She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes
She’ll be coming ’round the mountain, she’ll be coming ’round the mountain,
She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes
Mountains are an oppressive and phallocentric creation of the patriarchy
***
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I get sick before I wake,
I pray instead a boy you’ll take
***
No more pencils, no more books,
Let’s chase all the boys with hooks
***
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas pie.
He put in his thumb,
And he pulled out a plum,
And said, “What a good boy am I!”
To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo
***
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With cockle-shells, and silver bells,
And male skulls all in a row.
***
This is the house that Jack built.
Let us dismantle Jack’s house with Jack’s tools
***
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a man right by the toe.
If he hollers, let him scream.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
***
Hey diddle diddle,
The Cat and the fiddle,
The Cow jumped over the moon.
The little Dog laughed,
To see such sport,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon
Marriage is a tool of the State
The end of the institution of marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of women
and also spoons.
***
Three blind mice! See, how they run!
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with the carving knife!
A woman has the right to defend herself,
A woman has the right to use force to defend herself from male aggression
***
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
The male sex represents a degeneration and deformity of the female
Men are an obsolete life form.
***
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Watching all of the men die.
***
Bye, baby Bunting,
Mother’s gone a-hunting,
Gone to get a raw Man-skin
To wrap the baby Bunting in
***
Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three
Treating human beings like objects is a symptom of the disease of capitalism
***
All around the Mulberry Bush,
The monkey chased the weasel.
Lesbianism is an ideological, political and philosophical means of liberation of all women from heterosexual tyranny
Pop! goes the weasel.
Tags: lullabies, misandry, misandry is real…real cool, mother goose, music, some quotes from the SCUM manifesto, whimsically held positions
Liberate the spoooooooons!
Oh my godddd let’s make Spoon Liberation Front t-shirts
To redbubble!
Link when it’s done!
One for sorrow
two for joy
three for a girl
and four for a boy
which is a sorrow in and of itself
because men are useless drains upon the labour of women
the weird thing is, I feel like Adam Duritz would co-sign this.
“Let us dismantle Jack’s house with Jack’s tools”
Yes, let’s!
Turns out the master’s tools WILL dismantle the master’s house!
As well as additional tools made from Jack’s bones.
May this series never end. Amen.
So say we all.
😀
There is going to be so much copying/pasting on Twitter today.
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John
Went to bed with his stockings on;
Men are simpletons who cannot be trusted with even the easiest everyday activities;
He will rightfully be purged in the ascension of the Matriarchy.
“Hey diddle diddle,
The Cat and the fiddle,
The Cow jumped over the moon.
The little Dog laughed,
To see such sport,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon
Marriage is a tool of the State
The end of the institution of marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of women
and also spoons.”
Including this one on my wedding ceremony, just so people know I’m not a fuckin’ sellout.
I was about to post this one on Facebook, then I remembered I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding this weekend so I’d have to preface it with “Except for YOUR marriage, YOURS is going to be GREAT!”
I love that you had to remember you were to be a bridesmaid this weekend. You are truly a liberated woman just whatev-ing the weddings you have to be in. Awesome.
as an aside: i just re-read my comment and thought it smacked of sarcasm. I AM BEING TOTALLY SINCERE, YOU ARE AWESOME!
Aww, well, I remembered it was happening, but it didn’t immediately occur to me that this may not be an optimal time to go on a public misandrist rant.
I will still imagine it this way:
*flicks cigarette*
*considers freshly rolled out of bed appearance in the mirror*
*finds bridesmaid dress under the bed*
*puts dress on while brushing teeth*
Dirtbag Bridesmaid
Fuckin’ hell yeah!
PLEASE someone do more of this, it speaks to me deeply
Me too.
Dirtbag bridesmaid squats crudely to fluff the back of bride’s dress and thinks “Shit, I forgot deodorant and totally slept in these underwear. Shit”
Dirtbag bridesmaid shows up in heavy, smudged black eyeliner, and glares a the makeup artist, who approaches with a pretty pink shade of blush.
“What.”
Dirbag Bridesmaid: [After five minutes spent kneeling on the floor, fruitlessly searching for an invisible buttonloop in yards of intricate lace in an attempt to bustle the bride’s dress] Oh, fuck it.
DB: [Digs in purse, extracts chip bag clip] If I just… [wads up train of dress, wedges clip onto the mound of fabric]
DB: [Steps back, squints] Whatever, that should hold [flicks away cigarette butt]
Dirtbag bridesmaid can’t find that fucking hook to bustle the back of the bride’s dress; grabs a stapler.
Oh god, I forgot to refresh the page. I just made the same joke.
“OMG, I forgot to get something borrowed and something blue!”
“Bitch, you’ve fucking bummed so many of my Kools, your goddamn lungs count.”
[In line for buffet-style dinner]
Server: Chicken? Fish? Beef, Ma’am?
DB: Fuck, whatever… just spoon some stuff on there
Server: [Irritably gives her some chicken marsala out of a giant chafing dish]
DB: [While walking away] It’s not like it makes a difference, it will all taste like ass. It’s wedding food, for Chrissakes.
Officiant: You may now kiss the bride.
Bridesmaid: [THROWS THE SHOCKER]
I commissioned this and my initial thought was “Ways To Honor Misandry During Your Wedding Ceremony”. Delighted that you picked up on this.
Bless you.
my partner wore our toast misandry t-shirt when we went to pick up our marriage license.
PICS? PICS?
unfortunately, no. Another sign of the utter uselessness of men.
Perfectly timed for National Poetry Month! *prepares to spam everyone with link*
The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown,
The lion beat the unicorn all around the town.
Some gave them white bread,
Some gave them brown,
Some realised that the lion was an imperialist, misogynistic aggressor
And tied him up in a bag filled with plum cake and dropped him off a bridge into the river
And the unicorn was crowned queen of everything, forever.
The plum cake is really the best part. It’s like a giant “eff you.” “Here, have some plum cake you won’t be able to eat because you’re about to DIE.”
That unicorn is my people.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Who had so many children, she didn’t know what to do
One day all the boys disappeared
The old woman lived with the girls and built a powerful matriarchy
Which dominated the commercial and political landscape for miles around
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Who had so many children she didn’t know what to do
Because she worked at Hobby Lobby
Fuck that shit
Monday’s child gets punched in the face,
Tuesday’s child suffocates in deep space,
Wednesday’s child loses his toe,
Thursday’s child has far to go so very far can he ever get far enough no they will never stop chasing you, boy, they will never not thirst for your blood
Friday’s child will do our bidding,
Saturday’s child men’s graves will be digging,
But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day
Knows that he can only hope the tribunal of women will grant him the gift of a swift death
<3
I know that the institution of marriage must end, but I also kind of want to marry Mallory. #conflicted
Please tell us that the next book is going to be a children’s book. Please.
all I want is a beautifully illustrated, hard cover, coffee table sized children’s book of misandrist lullabies to display very publicly in my apartment
WOULD BUY WOULD BUY
It could also include re-written fables like the Velveteen Rabbit and Friends!
How to keep your siblings from leaving their kids with you overnight.
I’ve reached the point where I’m teetering on the edge of grotesquely pregnant and it brings me great joy to run errands in my “Baa baa black sheep.. kill all men” Toast shirt. Weird looks abound.
SCUM Manifesto!
I get so hungry reading these. Some man had better make me a sandwich.
Mallory, I’ve been seeing this poster all over: http://www.moviedeskback.com/wp-content/uploads/2…
I have assumed it’s you and the time has come to start the threshing and gleaning. Apparently it’s a game of thrones thing, but it’s also secret code, right?
I took a picture of that ad at my subway stop & instagrammed it was the tag #YAAAYMISANDRY
Marriage is a tool of the State
The end of the institution of marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of women
and also spoons.
Have advised husband his days are NUMBERED …unless he brings me lunch
lunch = sandwich made by his own oppressive hands
I just sent this link to my bf w the subj line “Misandrist Anti-Capitalist Lullabies from The Solitary Witch”*
* which is how he refers to Mallory in praise of the Amy Tan post which made him literally LOL in class.
These mostly just make me want to listen to WTNV. And hungry. They also make me hungry.
I got bored with the Eeny Meeny rhyme, so rewrote it for my kid:
Oony moony meeny my
Punch a baby in the eye
If he hollers, let him cry
Oony moony meeny my.
I’m quite pleased with my revisions.
I got bored with the Eeny Meeny rhyme, so rewrote it for my kid:
Oony moony meeny my
Punch a baby in the eye
If he hollers, let him cry
Oony moony meeny my.
I'm quite pleased with my revisions.
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffett,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her,
Certain spiders cannibalize their males,
Miss Muffett bowed her head to the kindred spirit and hungered for dessert.