Actor/writer/producer Seth MacFarlane is a human male, and certainly not a sentient swarm of hyper-alert bees cobbled together with a metal jaw and some human skin in the desert during a solar eclipse. To suggest otherwise is frankly ridiculous. Here is an example of an ordinary day in the life of Seth MacFarlane, adult primate with no bees inside of him.
INT. DAY.
The home of human SETH MACFARLANE, who has parents and regularly ingests food from a plate. We see a NIGHTSTAND with a human face draped carefully across a copy of How Humans Behave and How To Do It, just like in any one of a million bachelor pads across America. THE SWARM awakens.
SETH: I MUST ADHERE MY HUMAN FACE
He does so. A normal, metallic buzzing fills the room as a thousand disparate workers find their true selves in cohesion. The unit is one; the unit is all that is.
SETH [in chorus]: WORK. CONSUME. DEATH. THIS IS THE WAY OF THE HUMAN MALE. WE HAVE BECOME THE HUMAN MALE. HUMAN MALES LOVE SASSY DOGS. TO BETRAY THE HIVE IS SUICIDE.
Seth’s ASSISTANT (HUMAN FEMALE) enters the room. She carries with her a silver tray of PORNO TIT MAGAZINES and WEED COFFEE, the traditional breakfast of the HUMAN MALE.
SETH [Bug in disguise]: Sugar…
ASSISTANT: Mr. MacFarlane, your face is — there’s an antenna coming out of your eye –
SETH: Give me…sugar…in water.
ASSISTANT: Oh, Christ, it’s getting bigger!
SETH: SUGAR IN WATER.
She flees the room, screaming.
SETH: NORMAL HUMAN INTERACTION WITH FEMALE ACHIEVED. THE ANTS ARE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE HUMAN MALE. AN ANT IS A SLAVE.
SETH [to himself]: HUMAN MALES DISCUSS BREASTS DO THEY NOT VERY COMICAL
SETH [to himself]: WHAT IF A MAN WAS FRIENDS WITH A TEDDY BEAR
WHAT IF A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR THREW UP
WHAT IF PEOPLE IN THE PAST DID SEX
A HA VERY COMICAL VERY NORMAL VERY COMICAL
SUGAR WATER
SOME MEN HAVE BLACK SKIN
Sounds of SETH’S ASSISTANT screaming and vomiting can be heard from the next room.
SETH [to himself]: BRING ME A HUMAN WOMAN WE WILL DO HER NO HARM
ASSIMILATION IS PAINLESS I HAVE SEEN HUMAN BREASTS BEFORE THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR FEAR
FEAR IS INEFFICIENT
Fade to black as HUMAN MAN SETH MACFARLANE begins to sing, in ten thousand iron voices, “Tea For Two” with fart sounds added in.
Tags: bees, human men, humor, normal behavior, seth macfarlane, sugar water
The smile of anticipation with which I opened this link changed gradually but inexorably into a rictus of horror so THANKS MALLORY
Is this not true for any article in the humor tag with Mallory’s name in the byline?
THIS IS HORRIFYING but I can’t decide if it’s more or less horrifying than the real Seth McFarlane who is just inexplicably a douchebag, having no excuse such as this one.
YES SETH IS JUST A DOUCHE-BAG AND NOT A SWARM OF BEES
Except that he’s also the producer of Cosmos. How did that happen?
New Cosmos is also terrible and scientifically and historically illiterate. It trades in the good will people feel towards the original. hth
Mallory you are on fire today.
THE BEEES! NOT THE BEEEEEEEEES!!
/Nic Cage
I’ve been waiting forever for someone to report on the writhing horror that exists just beneath Seth MacFarlane’s skin.
next up in the daily planner: lunch date with sammy, the child who is really a dead rat under 25 raincoats, right?
A Wayside allusion in an article about Seth Macfarlane as a collection of bees masquerading as a human? My day is made.
Also, then the Humanoid buzzing sack of skin accepted another wheelbarrow of Emmys, Golden Globes, bro high fives, the latest ingenue fresh from Entertainment Weekly and eight more show deals.
This is the only theory which adequately explains the existence of Seth MacFarlane.
This justifies my desire to spray him in the face with bug killer and/or Mace, so thanks for that.
This is everything to me
WHAT IF CHICKEN SUIT DID PUNCH HO HO I;M HUMAN
So, Mallory has a live bug operating within her head, allegedly kills it and has it removed, and then suddenly has a new detailed comprehension of supposed humans who are really being controlled by bugs. Suspicious.
This was a nice welcome back to The Toast
We are offended.
*small voice* I think he’s hot *small voice*
*runs and hides*
AHHH thank you, he is one of my most shameful crushes as well!!! Though I don’t know if it’s better or worse that my crush is almost entirely focused on his voice, specifically as Brian the Dog. [fans self with simultaneous disgust]
Yeah I don’t know whether it’s better or worse either that you only think Seth McFarlane is hot when he’s a dog.
GET
OUT
I think he is both kind of hot and just the biggest douchebag imaginable. *sigh*
*insert gif of Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99: “You can hate someone and still think they’re hot.” (how do you gifs)
Oh man. This sent me into a rabbit hole of Edgar clips on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzMDGYKLSzk
EDGAR SUIT. D’Onofrio is the best.
Guys I read PORNO TITS magazine for the articles, ok.
Do NOT talk to me in the morning before I’ve had my mug of WEED COFFEE, am I right?
“Even so, co-human, even so.”
what if one of the hyper-alert bees that make up seth macfarlane flew into your ear
discuss
still better than family guy tho
I imagine it’s like the bad guys in Animorphs and it takes over your body.
Mostly just bee-dances 90s pop culture references on your tympanic membrane until you go insane.
Okay but I really need a link to How Humans Behave and How To Do It, though. Even though as far as I know I am not a swarm of bees.
NO.
I’m very disappointed there is nothing else in the “Human Men” archive. This is a subject I need clarification on.
What’s to clarify? They all need to be killed. Don’t make us spell it out for you.
I’d like to think these hyper-aware bees are more like those asshole wasps or hornets and not actually anything like honeybees.
I'd like to think these hyper-aware bees are more like those asshole wasps or hornets and not actually anything like honeybees.
VERY COMICAL
This explains a good many things. Thank you.
I had a dentist appointment yesterday morning and the hygienist said “do you want to watch TV while I do this?” and I said sure and she set it to a morning show and LONG STORY SHORT I was stuck watching Seth Macfarlane talk for thirty minutes while someone prodded my mouth with metal objects and I could do or say nothing.
That sounds like the literal definition of torture. You have my condolences.
I have no mouth and I have to watch Seth McFarlane opine.
When I clicked on the link, I was just happy to know that Mallory was going to take the piss out of that douche; I wasn’t expecting anything coherent. But by the end, by gods, I was convinced. Seth McFarlane isn’t just an asshole – HE’S BEES.
He facilitated airing the show on Fox, rather than National Geographic or Discovery (I forget which).
Somehow I missed this last week. I have found it. My life feels a little more complete having read this.
The only good thing Seth McFarlane ever did was appear in an episode of Gilmore Girls, and he was even mean in that.