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Home: The Toast

Actor/writer/producer Seth MacFarlane is a human male, and certainly not a sentient swarm of hyper-alert bees cobbled together with a metal jaw and some human skin in the desert during a solar eclipse. To suggest otherwise is frankly ridiculous. Here is an example of an ordinary day in the life of Seth MacFarlane, adult primate with no bees inside of him.

INT. DAY.

The home of human SETH MACFARLANE, who has parents and regularly ingests food from a plate. We see a NIGHTSTAND with a human face draped carefully across a copy of How Humans Behave and How To Do It, just like in any one of a million bachelor pads across America. THE SWARM awakens.

SETH: I MUST ADHERE MY HUMAN FACE

He does so. A normal, metallic buzzing fills the room as a thousand disparate workers find their true selves in cohesion. The unit is one; the unit is all that is.

SETH [in chorus]: WORK. CONSUME. DEATH. THIS IS THE WAY OF THE HUMAN MALE. WE HAVE BECOME THE HUMAN MALE. HUMAN MALES LOVE SASSY DOGS. TO BETRAY THE HIVE IS SUICIDE.

Seth’s ASSISTANT (HUMAN FEMALE) enters the room. She carries with her a silver tray of PORNO TIT MAGAZINES and WEED COFFEE, the traditional breakfast of the HUMAN MALE.

SETH [Bug in disguise]: Sugar…
ASSISTANT: Mr. MacFarlane, your face is — there’s an antenna coming out of your eye —
SETH: Give me…sugar…in water.
ASSISTANT: Oh, Christ, it’s getting bigger!
SETH: SUGAR IN WATER.

She flees the room, screaming.

SETH: NORMAL HUMAN INTERACTION WITH FEMALE ACHIEVED. THE ANTS ARE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE HUMAN MALE. AN ANT IS A SLAVE.

SETH [to himself]: HUMAN MALES DISCUSS BREASTS DO THEY NOT VERY COMICAL

SETH [to himself]: WHAT IF A MAN WAS FRIENDS WITH A TEDDY BEAR
WHAT IF A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR THREW UP
WHAT IF PEOPLE IN THE PAST DID SEX
A HA VERY COMICAL VERY NORMAL VERY COMICAL
SUGAR WATER
SOME MEN HAVE BLACK SKIN

Sounds of SETH’S ASSISTANT screaming and vomiting can be heard from the next room.

SETH [to himself]: BRING ME A HUMAN WOMAN WE WILL DO HER NO HARM
ASSIMILATION IS PAINLESS I HAVE SEEN HUMAN BREASTS BEFORE THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR FEAR
FEAR IS INEFFICIENT

Fade to black as HUMAN MAN SETH MACFARLANE begins to sing, in ten thousand iron voices, “Tea For Two” with fart sounds added in. 

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