1. God, We Used To Have Money
2. The Corporal Displayed Unspecified Moral Laxity
3. An Unsuccessful Trip To The Sea-Side
4. A Cold Collation And A Game Of Cards
5. Yes But The Shock Would Kill Her
6. She’s Very Close To Being In Our Class But Isn’t Quite And That’s Terrible
7. The Bishop Frowned
8. The Garden Party Is Cancelled
9. Is Tibby Back Yet?
10. Let’s All Agree Never To Tell Him
11. Let’s Do Go To Italy, I So Long To See Italy
12. That Sort Of Thing Doesn’t Interest Me Much, I Assure You
13. Fraught Seating Arrangements
14. Oh, Honestly Charles
15. No One Goes Motoring After All
16. We Can’t Possibly Have Them Over For Dinner; The Last Time They Were Here We Had Money
17. “I Wish Her Every Happiness”
18. Then The War Came
Tags: england, english novels, humor
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We Thought S/He Was Dead, But It Turns Out S/He Wasn’t
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND IT WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART.
A Shipwreck Upends a Gentlemen’s Prospects
A Charming Cad Beguiles an Innocent Lady
Stoicism
Between this and the Jane Austen post I am going to be bursting into random giggles for days. Fraught Seating Arrangements!!
I noticed that one of the books advertised on the toast was available on kindle from my library, so I decided to borrow it AND IT READS JUST LIKE A MALLORY SATIRE I had to keep checking and reassuring myself that it was a serious effort and not just 300 pages of toast long con.
Which book was it? Inquiring minds!
oh haha I didn’t think anyone cared. “The Bone Season” its literally paint by numbers YA dystopia. I would read things, and be like “oh this is definitely going to happen next” and lo and behold it did.
That is perhaps the only book that I have stopped reading. IT WAS SO TERRIBLE!
Whenever I feel disappointed in a book from now on, I will just assure myself that it must be a Toast long con, and that eventually Nicole and Mallory will grace me with the punchline.
‘The Secret Is He Was Illegitimate’
‘Someone Did A Lot Of Crime. Turns Out They Were Foreign.’
‘Despair And Totalitarianism And Rain-Washed Streets’
The Secret Is His Birth Mother Was Actually Jewish
‘Someone Did A Lot Of Crime. Turns Out They Were Foreign.’
GOODNESS YES. I recently picked up a Josephine Tey mystery because I so enjoyed The Daughter of Time (about a hospital-bound detective turning his attention to Richard III and the princes in the Tower). However, this one — The Man in the Queue — is her first mystery novel, c. 1929, and it hinges on investigatory principles like “the feminine qualities of the Levantine” which would make ONLY A FOREIGNER sneaky enough to think up this crime. Um, nope, no, not, negative, NO.
I recommend Brat Farrar for your next go. A Shilling for Candles is enjoyable and nicely arranged (it served as the model for Rowling’s recent detective novel), but it never quite achieves escape velocity from the Agatha Christie gravity well.
Yes to Brat Farrar. I also quite like The Singing Sands.
Although it would be very easy to do one of these lists for Josephine Tey.
Signs that you are a sociopath in a Josephine Tey novel :
1. You have light blue eyes.
2.You have dark blue eyes.
3. You are too pretty.
4. You have no wrinkles.
5. You are too pretty, and also you are a horse.
6. You remind someone of someone else.
7. I don’t like your voice.
6a. In fact, you remind someone of an equally too-pretty horse.
In other words, Brat Farrar, always and forever. I like The Franchise Affair, too–especially after I’d read it once and knew the outcome, and could reread it with much less stress.
Miss Pym Disposes is an all- time favorite of mine, although unfortunately Tey was a known anti-Semite.
Someone forward this to Michael Gove stat!
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART.
SO APPARENTLY YELLING IN CAPS IS A THING I DO.
AS IS REPEATING MYSELF AND/OR HITTING ‘SUBMIT’ TOO VIGOROUSLY.
“And Then She Was Wrongly Institutionalized”
“Marrying for Money Was Perhaps a Mistake”
“I Never Will Desert Mr. Micawber/Bill Sikes/My Otherwise Awful Spouse/My Worthless Son”
“Incredibly Subtle Homosexual Longing”
“Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can’t Because We’re English”
Incredibly. Subtle. Homosexual. Longing.
To be fair, that last one describes pretty much all works of fiction, give or take the “comically.”
Not ALL fiction. But a lot, yeah. Heh.
#notallfiction
“God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?”
http://youtu.be/TCyZbYFgoRM?t=6s
I misread the last clause as “But We Can’t Because We’re Fragile” and nodded in recognition. It’s a whole genre of fiction. And of life.
I would very much enjoy a version of this devoted entirely to British Mystery Novels, please.
I’m Not Fussy, I’m Charming.
A Memoir, by Tika
I Can’t Believe Someone Got Shot at My Shooting Party
“They Had Lived on the Estate Their Whole Lives, But a Distant Male Relative Would Now Inherit It”
Unexpected News
Um, I can’t stop.
“Probably Nothing Happened, but Her Honour is Now Compromised Forever”
“It Could Be A Ghost, Not Sure”
“Rich White Male Nostalgia For Times Past”*
“Making Bad Decisions Because: Honour!”
*Also works for many other genres.
“The Vicar Who Is Never Actually Seen Doing His Job”
“Our School Days Were Rather Jolly, Despite All the Thrashings”
“Phonetic Dialect: The Novel”
“700 Years Ago A Norman Lord Entailed His Manor And Lands To A Single Male Heir To Prevent The Dissipation Of His House And Now It’s All A Bit Of A Bother”
Everytime I read an English novel, I just want to be a vicar in some English country town circa 1887. You never have to do ANYTHING. It’s the closest I could come to being an actual hobbit.
“Oh, Honestly Charles”
I nearly had an aneurysm. Forwarded article to the whole world.
Don’t forget the sequel, “For God’s Sake, Bedelia”.
I Liked the Colin Firth Version Best
Yes, perfect.
Dear Toasties, if one has never read Jeeves and Wooster, where should one start?
Start with the first one you can get your hands on and continue until you have read all of them. Or you could read them in order, they’re numbered and some books do refer back to events in previous ones, but it doesn’t really matter. Knowing what is going to happen in no way interferes with enjoyment.
This, totally. You CAN read them in order, but it’s in no way necessary, as no one ever learns from past mistakes or changes in any way, except to fall in love with different (unsuitable) people. J&W are Wonderful and Perfect.
Start everywhere, it doesn’t really matter. Pull one off the shelf at random, and then pull the rest off the shelf afterwards.
The day my library downsized the Wodehouse collection from four shelves to one was a dark day.
Literally anywhere. The stories are very good no matter where you start.
THE INIMITABLE JEEVES
CODE OF THE WOOSTERS! It’s The One With The Cow Creamer.
And “The World of Jeeves” is alllllll the short stories in one volume.
Is it Jeeves and Wooster you’ve not read or P G Wodehouse? If the latter, skip the former and go straight to the delightful Psmith trilogy.
“Don’t Speak; I Know What You’re Thinking*”
*Even Though I Am Unable To Look Directly At You For Fear Of Scandal
“A subtle suggestion that sexual intercourse may have occurred, and now everything has come undone.”
What up, Tess of the D’Urbervilles! There was a lot of “Wait, how is Tess pregnant?” from my class when we read that book freshman year of high school.
Clarissa
(and really, everything should come undone at that point. Poor Clarissa.)
“Oh, Honestly Charles,” also works for the thousands and thousands of pages of X-Men pages of Professor X/Magneto slash being furiously typed as we speak.
Just say Days of Future Past, and there was no slashy subtext, just BLATANT TEXT. Possibly even UBERTEXT. I spent most of the movie mentally mashing McAvoy and Fassbender together in various ways.
Yup. There is literally no other possible interpretation of their relationship. Nobody goes on a multi-year bender pining for someone who was just a friend.
He says he lost the only person he ever loved! Is he talking about Raven? Obviously he is not.
RIGHT?! Have you thought about why you’re behaving this way, kiddo? Oh honestly, Charles.
Yes. This.
Oh, same. The plane scene was everything I ever wanted and more. My favourite part of the movie was how the incredibly dickish aspects of both Charles’ and Erik’s personalities had become firmly cemented and they clearly wanted nothing more than to spend the entire time being obnoxious and emotional at each other.
Speaking of, at what point does the new timeline diverge from the old? I mean, 1973, obviously, but did X2 still happen? Is John still part of the Brotherhood or did he stay with the X-Men? My Bobby/John shipping feelings, long since buried, have re-emerged.
I’ve actually never got round to watching the earlier movies, which is probably something I need to rectify since I spend so much time thinking about the most recent ones.
Short answer is “We don’t exactly know, but probably not.” The Last Stand clearly didn’t happen, but probably neither did the original X-Men or X2, if only because so much of those depend on Mystique being a sociopathic assassin, and it seems she’s not that anymore. Probably? Hell, since Wolverine gave Xavier a bunch of names of future X-Men, they probably got a team together earlier than in the original timeline.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
The plane scene! Good lord, a thousand times yes. Also the whole thing, really. There was SO MUCH gazing at each other and then being rude and emotional. Charles cried so much. It was all out of control. I loved every second of it.
Was there a single scene in that movie where Charles WASN’T crying? I’ve given this serious consideration and I’m pretty sure he was welling up at least a little the entire time he was on screen. Though I will have to see it again to make sure.
Huh! I hadn’t considered that (SOMEHOW), but you’re probably right. His eyes were pretty much brimming over with tears for two hours straight. I will have to conduct another study, for science. I will presumably have to conduct an additional study about Erik’s understated emotional response to things (by which I mean Charles).
YESSSSSSSSSSSS
“Is That The New Servant? He Looks A Bit Dodgy”
“It turns out we’re all related to each other, and are due to inherit a modest fortune.”
“He picked up such un-Godly habits in India.”
That’s at least a quarter of the Arthur Conan Doyle canon.
A Tragedy on the Moors
Giggling like a crazy woman. This made my morning. Don’t ever stop.
A Proper Cuppa Fixes All, Or At Least Puts a Band-Aid Over It
(have found this to be true)
So true! Although to be truly English it would have to be a sticking plaster 😉
IS TIBBY BACK YET?
His Faithful Retainer Was His Illegitimate Cousin All Along
Gothic/supernatural fiction version:
She Brought Scandal to the House and Now Her Ghost Makes Things Awkward
Probably Better to Just Leave That Manuscript Alone
Beware Sketchy Italian Noblemen
A Spirit Wants You to be a Better Person
Personally, I think Wilkie Collins would have enjoyed the Toast.
“My hour for tea is half-past five, and my buttered toast waits for nobody.”
― Wilkie Collins, The Woman in White
A Trip To The Seaside, Where It Is Still Rainy But Slightly Ocean-ier
An Old Army Friend Is In Trouble
I Hear Things Are Different In India
How Uncouth To Be Murdered On The Train
Are you sure this isn’t just a list of Morrissey songs?
BRB. Writing a concept album using all of these as song titles.
At last we have talked to each other. Now we are engaged.
do scottish ones next
Whisky and Scandal
James You Musn’t
What Will The Neighbours Think
Fife
I think we also need “Every English Crime Procedural Ever” which could start with: 1. At Least Four People Will Die Before the Murderer is Caught, 2. The Protagonist Will Be Constantly Plagued With Meddling and Incompetent Superiors and Subordinates, 3. It Is Very Sunny in England, Didn’t You Know, 4. Everyone in This Village is Having at Least One Affair
^ this is possibly the most accurate description of Midsomer Murders in particular that I have ever read
You want to marry your deceased wife’s sister. Depending on the time period, this may be a problem.
We must never speak of this again!
The Young Lady Lost Her Temper and Will Never Be Married Now
A Description of the Countryside
Poor People Are Charming but Horrible
The City is Filthy
Someone Has Laughed and Must Be Ostracized
A Rich Person Lacks Good Taste
Knitting
She Married A Rich Drunkard Who Died, And Now She’s Going On A Grand Tour Of The Mediterranean
“Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can’t Because We’re English” = Hugh Grant
But what if they find out about my illegal adjustable golf club!? I’ll be ruined.
Disclosure; there is an actual episode of Jeeves and Wooster with an adjustable golf club that is later used as the pretext for a staged arrest. True story.
“It’s all rather confusing. Everyone appears to have talked to the victim in the ten minutes around when we think the murder took place”
“You mean I’m on holiday with a famous private detective? Time to do that murder I always planned”
“Wait, the murderer is was look-alike son / brother / bastard all along. If you’d shown me a picture I wouldn’t have had to read the last 250 pages”
Moor Money, Moor Problems
…And That’s Why I Shan’t Go to the River Again
Wales Is Rather Odd
Whist
I Can’t Bear For Them To See Us In Such Reduced Circumstances
The Most Glittering Season Since the War
It Was His Sad Duty to Marry a Rich American
Not Since The Accident
Cousin Incest
Slightly Soiled Gloves: The Deepest Shame
I am reading a Cousin Incest right now.
Things Like That Are Not Done in the North
Oh my goodness, I’m reading North and South for the millionth time, and that is incredibly apt.
And we all marry into money even if we marry for love.
Needs more Trollope.
TIBBY!
“Is Tibby ill?”
“What’s the matter? Is Tibby ill?”
She Is Adamantly Opposed To Ever Marrying; Until She Changes Her Mind
We keep our crazy relatives in the attic.
Behind the false bookshelf is a passageway into the priest’s hiding place.
Beware of rural England — it is dripping with highly-sexed men named Seth and Rubin.
…and my own favourite genre, in four volumes:
Her True Love The Pony
Pony Stoicism
The Tragedy of the Pony
We Used To Have Ponies
I’m in love with a wealthy widower who is ashamed of the fact he didn’t love his wife.
Don’t forget all of them that start with Chapter 1: Everyone That Loved Him/Her/Them/It Died.
and
“The Rich Nice Person Goes Away and Won’t Be Back Until The Plot Needs Resolving.”
Father Was Quite Ill For Ever So Long
I Mustn’t. I Mustn’t!
Was It A Wolf In The Fog, Or The Mysterious Boarder?
A Long-Delayed Comeuppance
Hark! Orphans!
We must never speak of this.
Snobbery with violence.
I hate you, yet I love you, yet I hate you.
The Twenty-Five Year Old Woman is an Old Maid and the Town Pities Her
Old Rich Man Dies, Everyone Pretends to Be His Relative
19. He proposed to somebody else (with money.)
Sent at 3:01 PM on Tuesday
me: 20. No, he didn’t, not really. He just proposed to ME!
19: But it’s your turn to make the tea.
The New Summer Gloves Have Arrived
This 100% needs a Wodehouse subcategory
Showgirl-related Indiscretions
A Secret Meeting At The Village Pub
Drama Among The Livestock
Shenanigans At The Club
Everyone Is An Imposter
But The Only Actually Evil Imposter Is Also Secretly American
It is NOT on, not one bit!
The vicar hangs fire whilst bits of ash blow gently on the fender.
So beastly to be poor– only Cook, Nanny, Richardson (the butler), a dozen nameless hulking field hands and 2 saucy chamber maids to serve us. Oh, and the wee groomsman to curry the horses. We have fallen on bleak times, truly.
Beastly weather. Some sort of offal pie and a treacle pud will put things to right!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that servants are best neither seen nor heard.
Some rawther clever riddles and nearly inscrutable wordplay advance the plot whilst spelling out the passionate intentions of at least 2 characters.
She’s biddable, I’ll warrant, the lass be biddable!
A servant demonstrates slavish and loyalty to her cold and penurious Lady. Everyone expects this.
Despite many over the top hints, the ingenue will still fall for the handsome (cad, rogue. bounder, adventurer, etc.).