Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Medieval Peasant And You Should Consider Me For The Position -The Toast

I would have made an excellent medieval peasant for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application:

1. I hate washing my hands

2. I honestly believe that attractive people are more valuable than I am and would willingly serve them; it is legitimately not difficult to convince me that well-dressed people with shiny hair require my assistance and I owe it to them to be useful

3. I get scared when I wake up in the middle of the night and would welcome being surrounded by dogs and all my family members and a bunch of servants as I slept

4. I love bread so that’s no problem there

5. It would take about four days of intense farm labor to burn the modern sass and feminism right out of my; my instinct for self-preservation is stronger than literally every single one of my values, and I would gladly abandon them in order to fit in. Like if you needed to know about a feudal revolt that was coming up, I would turn in every single villein interested in establishing basic labor rights, without question

6. I LOVE FITTING IN

7. I honestly don’t understand how diseases work and could easily be talked into venerating the sun

8. I have great teeth, no cavities

9. I’m happy to sift or loom whatever

10. I know how to read but if that’s a problem I will happily pretend not to and renounce literacy as witchcraft, no problem at all

11. I’ve never been pregnant but I feel like I’d be super good at it, also I would be super good at keeping it a secret if the lord of the manor wanted to borrow me from my peasant husband for a sex a few times a month

12. Not to brag but I’m pretty okay at starting a fire if someone coaches me through it, so I could probably keep the house warm through the winter

13. I would have no problem carrying oversized flagons of foaming, nut-brown ale to various warriors throughout the mead-hall

14. I’m good at paying enough attention in church that people feel like I’m happy to be there but not so much attention that people start to think I think I’m better than them

15. I hate two things: urbanization and guild members. I know my place, for sure, and it’s stitching corn or whatever in a field

16. I have no interest in joining the emerging middle class

17. I don’t know how to swim

18. I know that you can use honey like a band-aid AND Neosporin, I learned that from a lifestyle blog, so I would be a pretty helpful doctor

19. I’m not allergic to anything except I think sometimes shrimp which shouldn’t be a big problem

20. I’m almost 5’8 so people would definitely want to mate with me, for more peasants

Thank you for your time.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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RosemarysFav 121p · 555 weeks ago

I like to think that I could hold out for longer than four days before burning away all my sass, but I would probably have an epic meltdown on day two and end up being burned as a witch.

ETA - Assuming I didn't die of dysentery within the first 48 hours, which is significantly more likely to happen.

Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Medieval Peasant And You Should Consider Me For The Position

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

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