
I would have made an excellent medieval peasant for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application:
1. I hate washing my hands
2. I honestly believe that attractive people are more valuable than I am and would willingly serve them; it is legitimately not difficult to convince me that well-dressed people with shiny hair require my assistance and I owe it to them to be useful
3. I get scared when I wake up in the middle of the night and would welcome being surrounded by dogs and all my family members and a bunch of servants as I slept
4. I love bread so that’s no problem there
5. It would take about four days of intense farm labor to burn the modern sass and feminism right out of my; my instinct for self-preservation is stronger than literally every single one of my values, and I would gladly abandon them in order to fit in. Like if you needed to know about a feudal revolt that was coming up, I would turn in every single villein interested in establishing basic labor rights, without question
6. I LOVE FITTING IN
7. I honestly don’t understand how diseases work and could easily be talked into venerating the sun
8. I have great teeth, no cavities
9. I’m happy to sift or loom whatever
10. I know how to read but if that’s a problem I will happily pretend not to and renounce literacy as witchcraft, no problem at all
11. I’ve never been pregnant but I feel like I’d be super good at it, also I would be super good at keeping it a secret if the lord of the manor wanted to borrow me from my peasant husband for a sex a few times a month
12. Not to brag but I’m pretty okay at starting a fire if someone coaches me through it, so I could probably keep the house warm through the winter
13. I would have no problem carrying oversized flagons of foaming, nut-brown ale to various warriors throughout the mead-hall
14. I’m good at paying enough attention in church that people feel like I’m happy to be there but not so much attention that people start to think I think I’m better than them
15. I hate two things: urbanization and guild members. I know my place, for sure, and it’s stitching corn or whatever in a field
16. I have no interest in joining the emerging middle class
17. I don’t know how to swim
18. I know that you can use honey like a band-aid AND Neosporin, I learned that from a lifestyle blog, so I would be a pretty helpful doctor
19. I’m not allergic to anything except I think sometimes shrimp which shouldn’t be a big problem
20. I’m almost 5’8 so people would definitely want to mate with me, for more peasants
Thank you for your time.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.