Signs That A Contestant Is About To Lose On Chopped -The Toast

Signs That A Contestant Is About To Lose On Chopped

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on November 5, 2014 in Food

“I think I’ll use the ice cream machine.”

“I can’t think of what to do with [final ingredient], so I figure I’ll just chop it up and throw it on top just before the end.”

“I believe that my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior will lead me to win.”

“I’ve never made this dish before, but…”

“I still have about five minutes left, so I’ve decided to make a sauce.”

Too much saffron

“I’ll just leave this under the broiler and be sure to take it off the heat before it starts burning.”

“Oh, no, I’ve cut my finger.”

The slightest sign of disagreement or back-talk after a judge offers a critique

“The deep fryer isn’t quite hot enough, but I don’t have time to wait.”

Finishing early, then just standing around

“A lot of people don’t know about sous-vide, but it’s a really warm water bath that allows you to cook something for a seemingly eternal amount of time…”

“So I go to the pantry, and I see some lentils, and I think they would make a great addition to the dish. There’s only twenty minutes left, but I think that’s enough time to cook them thoroughly.”

“Wait, who’s using the Robot Coupe??”

Serving an entree-sized appetizer dish, or worse; an appetizer-sized entree

“I know I’m up against three professional chefs, but I’ve been cooking since I was eight years old. I’ve got this.”

Being a pastry chef

“I’ve never worked with this ingredient before, so I’ll just figure out what to do with it at the end.”

“I figured I’d be able to camouflage it with artistic plating.”

Truffle oil

“The meat isn’t quite done, but it’ll finish cooking out of the oven if I put enough sauce on it.”

“I think I have enough time to make a bread pudding in thirty minutes.”

Interrupting Alex Guarnaschelli while she’s talking.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (155)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

+76 Vote up Vote down

themnemosyne 129p · 545 weeks ago

“I can’t think of what to do with [final ingredient], so I figure I’ll just chop it up and throw it on top just before the end.”

oh my god I had this exact conversation with my roommate literally yesterday

why would you do this, contestant, never do this

+97 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 545 weeks ago

NEVER CROSS GUARNASCHELLI.

The people who finish 5 minutes early always baffle me. Like, what did you forget? Clearly you forgot something.

My favorite disasters are when both contestants want to use the ice cream machine but obviously only one can, so the other goes "I can make it work in the blast chiller." No. No, you can't. Nope. *popcorn.gif*

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

Kay · 545 weeks ago

Alex Guarnaschelli is my favorite forever. Anyone who interrupts her deserves to be chopped.

(I mean "chopped" metaphorically, except in extreme cases.)

6 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+159 Vote up Vote down

lyetteann 112p · 545 weeks ago

"I'm a vegan cook."

I swear they give the vegans baskets of black pudding, sweetbreads, ox tails & beef stock just to entertain me.

+97 Vote up Vote down

ramina 119p · 545 weeks ago

"I am a vegan/raw/organic chef and refuse to use this basket ingredient because it goes against what I stand for" (have you ever SEEN this show??)

Risotto.

3 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+56 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 545 weeks ago

Truffle oil yesss. The death rattle, truly.

Also I think TVTropes has a page on Chopped that includes each of the judge's weird pet peeves (NEVER GARNISH FOR CHEF SANTOS), and it always astounds me that contestants don't memorize that before going on.

8 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+178 Vote up Vote down

braak 136p · 545 weeks ago

Yeah, you know, if there's one thing that Chopped has taught me, it's that the the lord Jesus Christ does not particularly care who wins Chopped.

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

ramina 119p · 545 weeks ago

also, Aarón Sánchez can GET IT

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+107 Vote up Vote down

whitneyarner 133p · 545 weeks ago

IF SCOTT CONANT IS A JUDGE STOP PUTTING CHEESE ON FISH AND PUT YOUR RAW ONION BACK IN YOUR POCKET, HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

SmrtCookie 122p · 545 weeks ago

"I feel really confident in my dish."

+30 Vote up Vote down

sdpowell1 112p · 545 weeks ago

I knew someone who was on an episode of Chopped! Am I famous now?

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+54 Vote up Vote down

shelby · 545 weeks ago

"I don't believe that a dessert should be too sweet."

Using pink peppercorns

"I like my food SPICY."

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 545 weeks ago

Don't watch this show, but it sounds more or less like Top Chef?

Frozen scallops were always the death knell on that show.

5 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+169 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 545 weeks ago

Oh god, anytime someone heads towards the ice cream machine it's like Catelyn Stark finding the chainmail on Roose Bolton's sleeve and then the Rains of Castamere starting. The poor, doomed souls.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+153 Vote up Vote down

citizenchristy 120p · 545 weeks ago

"My back story is the second most tragic."

+59 Vote up Vote down

Kay · 545 weeks ago

Also, the arguing/backtalk thing really astounds me. These people have clearly watched this show.

There's never been a case where the judge goes, "This was a bad idea!" and the contestant goes, "No! It was a good idea because [stupid rationale]!" where the judge then proceeds to say, "Oh, yeah! I guess that was a great idea! Thank you for explaining to me why I don't hate your dish! I am totally won over by your dish now."

+65 Vote up Vote down

themnemosyne 129p · 545 weeks ago

Also, mentioning your Tragic Backstory gives you a +10 bonus to advance to the next round.

3 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+67 Vote up Vote down

blushingflower 116p · 545 weeks ago

Pretty sure I saw a dude use a ghost pepper as a garnish once. That was a poor decision

3 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 545 weeks ago

"I'm [world-famous michelin starred chef]'s sous chef/executive chef/personal protege" also seems to be a contestant killer. As soon as someone namedrops their big-name connection it's like a timer starts going.

+78 Vote up Vote down

ArsenioB_Ham 125p · 545 weeks ago

"I know this dish usually takes 45 minutes to an hour to finish properly, but I know how to defy the laws of physics to allow water to soak into a grain/meat to cook through/water to boil at a lower temperature/water to freeze at a higher temperature, so I'll be fine."

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+42 Vote up Vote down

blushingflower 116p · 545 weeks ago

Rice. They always fuck up rice. And pasta (usually because they wait till they have 5 minutes left and forget that while the pasta might cook in 5 minutes, the water won't boil that fast)

+38 Vote up Vote down

Pwickup 81p · 545 weeks ago

Meanwhile, the secret seems to be a soubise. Whatever you're doing, see if you can shove a soubise in there. See also: bread sauce and melting down the candy to make some sort of sweet vinegar sauce, whatever the name for that is.

If an ingredient seems to have a fibrous-y membrane (eel skin, sweet breads, liver, etc.) TAKE THAT THING THE HELL OFF.

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+59 Vote up Vote down

StillT 103p · 545 weeks ago

This is one of the few shows that have always been set to record on our DVR. Until the "EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER." marathon wiped everything else off of there, we had hundreds of back-stocked episodes.

We actually made up a Chopped BINGO board. I don't remember all of the items, but some included:
Someone serves raw red onion to Scott Conant.
Chris Santos' plate is missing one element of the dish.
One of the judges describes a dish as "bracingly acidic."
Someone forgets their food in the blast chiller/oven/fryer/anti-griddle.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 545 weeks ago

My friend lost Chopped because he couldn't find a springform pan. Tragedy!

+12 Vote up Vote down

sarahkrwrites 63p · 545 weeks ago

Ugh yeeessss, someone who agrees with my ice cream theory.

+48 Vote up Vote down

laurenwielgus 91p · 545 weeks ago

All you Chopped fans should watch Cutthroat Kitchen (1st season is on Netflix). It's like Chopped BUT you can buy sabotages in auctions (like replacing an opponent's cheese for a grilled cheese sandwich challenge with cheese wiz, or forcing someone to cook their omelette on the bottom of their pan). Each player starts with $25k and you only win whatever money you have left at the end. It's also got snarky Alton Brown as the host, who is often making faces of sheer disgust at the stuff the contestants cook (seriously, almost all the food looks horrible).

My favorite part is always when the male chefs get in a dick-swinging contest during the auctions, and their female competitor is just looking at them like, what is wrong with you dummies? It is the best show to yell at.

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

thesarahgirl 116p · 545 weeks ago

Did anyone see last night's rerun where Scott Conant got incredibly offended by the way the contestant BUTCHERED HER FISH? That was so bizarre.

I've also seen one episode where one of the contestants came in, clearly had never watched the show before, and was just FULL of snark and I think literally said "I'm not here to make friends," backtalked the judges, etc. It was hilarious! Come on, Chopped is not that kind of show. The judges were like "whut" and chopped her pretty quickly, as I recall.

5 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

ramina 119p · 545 weeks ago

Also, there's a "best of" season of Chopped on Netflix now.

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

Marizane 114p · 545 weeks ago

Relevant to my interests!

Last night there was a pastry chef who made an ice cream in the dessert round! And she won! I was convinced she would lose. She even cut herself! Also there was a dramatic foreshadowing moment/fancy camerawork where she put her meat out of sight and I was like "Oh no she's going to forget it!!." but she didn't. Maybe it was her starting attitude of "Oh man I am way out of element here, There is NO WAY I'm going to win" and "this is legitimately confusing to me" every time she got past a round.

Alex is the BEST, all kinds of feminist. She's always being like, "bitch, don't call this dish feminine that doesn't even make sense" (that was to another judge - maybe Aaron?) or just generally willing to seem bitchy in order to call men out on their disgusting misogyny. That in particular is an element of feminism that I would like to cultivate in myself.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

cleo · 545 weeks ago

It's like all the good parts of Top Chef without the drama or in-fighting. Some of the contestants will share really personal things about their past when asked why they want to win, but mostly it's just about the food.

1 reply · active 544 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

corvinafish 142p · 545 weeks ago

Alex is my #1 celebrity crush. You guys. I LOVE HER.

This hour long video of Alex saying endearing yet cutting things about food is great but if you don't have a whole hour skip to 7:45 and listen to the really short bit about her college experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa8YnusB1hM

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

Rich · 545 weeks ago

The surest sign, by far, is when you induce Alex Guarnaschelli to make here "Who farted?" face.

+5 Vote up Vote down

Kay · 545 weeks ago

Thank you so much for that link. I appreciate it so much. Oh my God.

It is really nice to know there are other people with total crushes on her.

+16 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 545 weeks ago

I clearly need to watch more Chopped.

Been watching Cutthroat Kitchen lately and while it is entertaining the almost surefire way to know who is going to be eliminated first is simple - Is there only one woman? Is the judge for this episode a man? Then, yep. It's the woman.

3 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

cleo · 545 weeks ago

"I never cook with processed food, only farm fresh ingredients" (Do you not watch the show? Why are you surprised to get Spam and gummy worms?!)

Chris Santos gives them a firm talking to or pep talk during the judging

The judges hide their eyes or wince during the cooking part

"I've never used this complicated piece of equipment before"

"I want to win so I can buy my girl/boyfriend an engagement ring"

(Can I just say that this post fills my heart with joy - I'm so glad that other people on the Internet love this show as much as I do)

+7 Vote up Vote down

cosmia 123p · 545 weeks ago

I have never seen this before, partly because my love for RuPaul's Drag Race has made me completely ignore the existence of every other competition-based reality show, but clearly I need to watch this one.

+27 Vote up Vote down

StillT 103p · 545 weeks ago

Last thing I need to say about Chopped - I have never gotten over Aaron saying in one episode, "Plantain is actually a root vegetable."

I think he was probably trying to say you have to treat it like a root vegetable, but it was a serious moment of, "Wait, what?!"

+64 Vote up Vote down

themnemosyne 129p · 545 weeks ago

Also any time someone makes a dessert. It is always either

- too sweet
- not sweet enough

WHAT DO YOU WANT, JUDGES
WHAT
DO
YOU
WANT

+31 Vote up Vote down

frisky sour · 545 weeks ago

"This didn't set up the way I wanted it to, so I'm going to spoon it on the anti-griddle and hope for the best."

1 reply · active 544 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 545 weeks ago

Okay, is something wrong with my Netflix?
Comments tell me that Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen are both on Netflix. And yet, I see neither.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

blueblazes11 110p · 545 weeks ago

My husband used to do the transcription of the episodes before they were edited. Seeing all the takes and the behind the scenes chummy conversations of the judges and hearing Ted continually fuck up his lines even though they are the same lines in every episode? Yuss.

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 545 weeks ago

Did anyone watch Chopped Canada this year? I really loved watching perpetually sunshiney Michael Smith turn critical, and Susur Lee was amazing as a judge.

Plus, a lot of female contestants won, and all of the judges were so good at super polite put-downs.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

Diana_monkey 131p · 545 weeks ago

Marcus Samuelsson <3 I would watch him judge people while smiling and cooking Ethiopian-Swedish fusion cusine anytime!

3 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

kristysf 0p · 545 weeks ago

Is anyone else ready for french toast -- wait, I'm sorry, PAIN PERDU -- to be banned from dessert rounds altogether? There have been at least 982349247 of them.

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

purpleshoes · 545 weeks ago

I'll add "I've never butchered a fish before". For some reason this seems to catch women a lot? It made me have a lot of thoughts about French culinary schools (which seem to turn out impeccable seafood-dismemberers, also lots of men) and the culture around meat and cooking and gender. It also made me want to yell TAKE A BUTCHERING COURSE BEFORE YOU GET ON THE SHOW at everyone.

+7 Vote up Vote down

yrpretendfriend 99p · 545 weeks ago

If you haven't watched the food cart episode with the Nong from Portland you need to right now. They're all really good at cooking under pressure and all their meals are really good. And both make ice cream and it works!!!

+22 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 545 weeks ago

I JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER ONE

Clean your motherlovin' SHRIMPS, people, those judges hone in on a sand vein at freaking ludicrous speed.

+11 Vote up Vote down

Halby · 545 weeks ago

No one who has ever left an ingredient off of their plate has ever made it through to the next round, right? That's an instant chopped? Like one contestant forgot the sauce and the next contestant serves Scott Conant his own child and the person who forgot the sauce is chopped?

4 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

emdash01 15p · 545 weeks ago

Misnaming your dish to make it sound more impressive is a big one - if you call something a 'mole' because your sauce has chocolate in it to Aaron Sanchez, your shit is ruined.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Adriana · 545 weeks ago

Sure sign they're going to win the whole thing: using bacon in at least one dish and mascarpone in the dessert.

Post a new comment

Comment as a Guest, or login:

Submit Comment

Subscribe to

Comments by IntenseDebate