In these dark days of no delivery, one survives as one can. Share your blizzard stories, Toasties. Or post pictures of the sun. Thread openly.
Friday Open Thread
In these dark days of no delivery, one survives as one can. Share your blizzard stories, Toasties. Or post pictures of the sun. Thread openly.
HELLO TOAST THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT I STARTED MY BLOG YOU CAN READ IT HERE
https://yahistoricalvault.wordpress.com/
My husband is going out of the country for two weeks so I am going to have nothing to do but read horrible trash and snark it, and then read decent books and review them. (Also apply for new jobs because my job has just taken a job for the laughably horrible, but that’s neither here nor there.)
I’m so excited that you started the blog! I’m going to add it to my rss feed right now!
This is the open thread, EVERYTHING is here and there!
Oh, yay! So exciting!!!! For both the snark and reviews!
I’ve bookmarked you!
YAY, I’ve never added something to my Feedly so fast.
Oh yay! You started the blog! Hooray for snark! Boo for job troubles!
I am so excited about this blog!
Congrats on your blog! Are you up for time-travely books? Cuz I just got done with one called Timebound by Rysa Walker and it was awesome.
http://www.amazon.com/Timebound-The-Chronos-Files…
““skelpie-limmor” and it has zero hits on Google so I’m going to assume it’s a misspelling of “skelpie-limmer” hahahahahaha already enjoying your blog.
Oh, this is great! I can’t wait until you post more! And now I really want an elegant rose stencil….
I live in Massachusetts and the bulk of the storm missed us by like 30 miles to the east and I’m still sulking about it.
I live in Essex County. You can have some of my snow if u want. 🙂
I live at least thirty minutes to the east of you. I am petrified by the giant white wastes. I feel like those people who went mad in the Arctic just looking outdoors.
see that sounds AWESOME
come visit then! 🙂
If it makes you feel any better, our giant snow piles in Boston are already all dirty and gross, and are mostly serving as an endless reservoir for production of more icy slush.
We got a solid two feet with no power outage (yay!). But it wasn’t enough to cancel my flight to a work meeting in LA on Wednesday (boo!). Just enough to make getting to Logan the next morning a total pain in the butt.
Um, it’s 70 in LA right now, though? I shouldn’t complain.
YES!! I am in the happy valley, and I feel profoundly overlooked. Although I am going to visit my mother tomorrow to help her dig out in Ipswich, I think most of her snow blew away.
You’re in the valley? I’m in Northampton!
eeeeee!!!! mee too!! wanna meet up at Woodstar sometime?
Definitely! Woodstar is my favorite coffee shop in town, hah. Send me an email! catoclock.toast @ gmail.
Hey – are you around next week? want to breakfast or coffee or something convivial?
Dog thread!
My dogs are very upset that they are not allowed upstairs right now and are staging a protest on the landing.
Also, our foster dog Roxanne is finally ready to adopt. Her adoption page is here: http://www.bullmastiffrescuers.org/styled/page33/….
BABBIIIIIEEEES.
I’m forwarding this to my friends. :0
poor babies!
Yay, dog thread! And, poor puppies — all they want to do is go upstairs.
I don’t have pictures but I have two interesting items:
1) My beagle’s finally gotten used to riding the subway — he now sits quietly at my feet, contentedly sniffing, instead of jumping around and greeting all the strangers. I’m so excited because this means that play dates are much easier to arrange.
2) He’s home alone today for 6 hours, and I just have a nagging feeling that I left a cupboard or door open somewhere. I know I’m going to come home and he’ll have thrown himself a party.
BEAGLE on the subway omg pls share pictures. I grew up with beagles but am currently beagle deficient 🙁
http://instagram.com/p/xvWOzyvGp3/?modal=true
I’m not sure if it will work!
Super cute! I love the expression -“look mom how well i’m behaving even though i want to SMELL ALL THE THINGS”
PUPPEHS!
I have a few new pictures of Ruthie (and thanks again Toasties for all the naming help!) and she’s settling in pretty well. Boyfriend has discovered a newfound appreciation for how well behaved and sweet the other dog is, which makes me smug. The dogs are SO CUTE together – Zoe actually lets Ruthie play with her! But when the pup tries to cuddle her (or even touch her with the tip of her paw) on the couch she gets growly and offended. Poor crotchety old lady.
I’m bad at getting embedded images to work, so here’s a link to the album if I can’t get it working: http://imgur.com/a/Z2VcG
This is the move.
“You didn’t need complete access to that keyboard, did you?”
“Mm, I thought not.”
More!
PUPPY SNUGGLES
Current status: Smooshface puppybelly.
Cute little dog butt!
SLEEPY PUPPY. and what a perfect naaame, omg.
Yes! I don’t know if you caught that bit on last week’s open thread, but someone here (I’m sorry, I forget who!) suggested the name! After Ruth Bader Ginsburg, natch.
Here is a sleepy corgi for the dog thread:
swerdtfyhkujldsfhgfafsiuyki
That isn’t real. No.
She loves to roll in funny positions. But she hates the camera. Every time we take out a phone and try to get a picture she runs away from it. So we have to be sneaky.
This is my dog Jack, who loves giant rawhides and looks like a crazy pirate muppet when he eats them.
Bullies are the bestest! What sweet expressions…before going with the Shepherds, I researched all the Mastiff breeds and kept coming back to the Bull Mastiff, such nice dogs.
So pitiful! OMG!
This is Leela in September, taking her new yard-guarding responsibilities very seriously.
She is BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you! She IS a gorgeous little weirdo, but she is difficult to capture with my sad, non-existent photo skills. The light that day was perfect, thankfully, and her cavalier-wig-like coat is actually distinguishable, instead of just looking like a sad black blob with eyes.
Oh, my. I had been very cross with Boston for not having enough snow and it DELIVERED. And it’s even snowing more right now! I am well pleased, send me all your snow and joy, let me make snow angels in it.
Just shovel your sidewalks, please.
Are you going to call the authorities on people who don’t shovel their walks? I live on a pretty steep hill and the place a few houses down hasn’t shoveled and I know I could just walk in the street but like I’m fired up with righteous anger so….?
Drynaury is almost over! How are you going to celebrate? My friend and I are going to eat steak and drink wine at midnight on the 1st.
I’m ending a day early. Today’s my husband’s birthday, so we’re going for steaks and wine tonight. Then touring a few breweries tomorrow. Then hosting a Super Bowl party. My liver is already cringing in anticipation. I’ve actually really enjoyed the dry month, and am planning to keep it up as much as possible moving forward. After this weekend, of course.
I’ve really enjoyed it, too! The only difficult day, really, was this past Monday when we got out of work early and work had already been cancelled for Tuesday. I just wanted some wine!
I was almost grateful for my lack of snow days for this very reason.
I do Soberuary (yeah, I know) instead, so I’ll be putting down the bottle as you pick it up. Not too excited about it this year bc I’m going on a lot of first dates and GOD KNOWS alcohol is very helpful in those situations.
AH. Thank you for “Soberuary!” I am planning to do this as well, because I turn 30 at the beginning of March and would like to reset myself, but I did not have a name for it!
I do no booze and no meat, but haven’t yet come up with a snazzy portmanteau that incorporates both, so Soberuary it is, even though it’s impossible to pronounce.
I have been delaying a first date thing with a friend of a friend because I want to be able to drink through any awkwardness :/
I’m breaking the fast ~7 PM tomorrow, can’t wait!
Its almost OVER! Because I like festivities, I coordinated a Breaking Dry-Uary brunch w friends for 2/1 @ 11. There will be bottomless bloodys and mimosas (and a raw bar!). Then a nap. Then the Superbowl (GO SEAHAWKS- PETE CAROL/ RICHARD SHERMAN 4 LYFE)
Hello, Toasties! Tell me of your epic bra-shopping stories. (The punchline, of course, being that my mother took me shopping for *~*foundation garments~*~ and I ended up in a bra size that has never even been bandied about in our tiny-boobed lives, and all overwrought stories aside, it has been kind of a game-changer in terms of realizing that THAT’s how the clothes are supposed to fit, how odd. Also the wedding dress is a go [I KNOW YOU WERE ALL DYING TO KNOW.])
I am HERE for bras, heck yeah
oh, like maybe the specialty bra shop I went to, where the woman asked me to disrobe so she could measure me, and upon opening the curtain to the dressing room she said “OH, you’re TINY…” to which I responded by turning myself inside out like a sea cucumber.
I ended up measuring myself and finding out I was a 28-30 B-C, depending on the brand and where I am in my cycle. total game changer, I no longer have a bra constantly creeping up my “tiny” boobs.
Well done on the sea cucumber-ing. Boo on the awful measure-er.
When I got engaged the first time, I went to a “real” bridal salon to try on overwrought confectionaries disguised as something to wear and they took my measurements as size 4 hip, size 10 waist, size not-on-the-chart-wait-a-second-you’re-HOW-small bust, which was not exactly comforting. People suck, in truth.
Yay for finally finding a bra that fits you right!
I am a 32-D and last winter I was at a J.C. Penny during a gigantic sale, so I thought I would try my luck – they didn’t have anything on the racks in my size so I asked, and the sales woman took me to the kid’s / training bra section because she thought they might have something that would fit me there! They didn’t.
i definitely had a bra-fitter once grab my right boob and say, “well this one is smaller than the other” with a moue of distaste on her face.
ugh, for one, they’re not dramatically lopsided. boobs have some natural asymmetry! and i don’t even have trouble finding bras because of it. she just made me feel like a freak even though i already knew it was totally normal.
But… humans aren’t perfectly symmetrical. Our faces, arms, legs, nothing is perfectly symmetrical. Why you’d expect breasts to be perfectly symmetrical when nothing else is is beyond me. Especially if you’re seeing breasts all the damn time.
That bra-fitter sounds mean, and also ignorant of normal bodies.
mallory’s got ya: http://the-toast.net/2014/11/12/youve-finally-sta… lots of epic stories in the comments.
for me, the epic moment was not when i realized my correct bra size, but when i finally tried on a bra in said size that actually fit nicely and didn’t mush my boobs weirdly or go up to my collarbone or give me the dreaded quadra-boob. i’ve continued to just buy bras in that specific model and i don’t know what i’ll do if wacoal ever discontinues it. probably do a lot of wringing hands/gnashing teeth/wailing, honestly.
congrats on finding a foundation garment game-changer! it’s the best.
It really kind of is! MrChouffe can’t stop staring at them (so I am 100% here for that, and also digging out lots of deep-V-neck and low-cut tops because why not?).
Wacol is the best
http://myintimacy.com was a revelation the first time I went there.
The closest one to me is in Chicago. >:(
Related bra query: is there any solution for those of us who are noticeably lopsided in the chesticle department? My bras contain the bigger boob pretty well but I feel sorry for the smaller one which is just floating in the void in there. Stuffing the cup feels very junior high.
stuffing the cup is a totally acceptable thing to do! get the chicken cutlet thingies, they look way more natural, and rock it!
you can totally stuff the cup and not feel junior high! asymmetrical boobs are normal (my own are, but not dramatically enough that it makes a difference in my bras…although you can totally tell when the bra comes off!) and so most lingerie stories will be happy to help you find a solution. they sell “chicken cutlet” type things in a variety of shapes and sizes that can be sewn or tucked into your bras.
i have a friend who had one breast that never developed, and she eventually got implants to even them out, but in the meanwhile, she said she got a lot of support from breast cancer groups. they have a lot of experience helping women who have had mastectomies or lumpectomies.
Fit your bra to the larger breast, and fill out the other side with a chicken cutlet. It’s annoying, but you’ll get a better fit that way.
Eh, I usually err on the other side and fit the bra to the little one. Then the big one just kind of does the “cup runneth over” thing and looks extra juicy. It will not solve the “looking lopsided” problem, but I’ve learned to just not be bothered by it. We are all delightful and unique in our own ways. Much love, from a fellow lopsided-be-chesticled lady. <3
I don’t have a great, epic story, but I do have the best bra store recommendation of all time.
Large-breasted women struggling to find bras: http://myintimacy.com/
They are the greatest. They do professional fittings. They have bras that will fit you and are in pretty colors and last for years. They do not mock you. They do not chase you from stores (In the same month of futile bra shopping, I was told to leave a VS because they had nothing large enough for me and to leave a Lane Bryant because they had nothing small enough for me.). You can send bras that have worn out back to them and they will alter them for you. They find you bras that will fit. I repeat this because it was such a game-changer for me. I did not realize I could be sexy until I wore their bras.
I have been to their stores in four different cities. They are amazing. If your bra does not fit you, run, do not walk, to the nearest Intimacy. (Only run carefully, because boob jiggle hurts.)
oh my god there’s one near me
Well, now I know where my epic prow and I are going this weekend.
brb making an appointment for Tuesday
(How much should I expect this to hurt my wallet? I distrust places that do not advertise prices.)
I will be honest, it’s pricy. (They tend to be in upscale malls where I am the worst-dressed person there.) I think the cheapest bra I’ve ever seen there was around $49, and my bras there tend to be at least $90, often up to about $130. I’m a 36H, so I can’t wear a bra that doesn’t have a decent amount of structure to it: you may be luckier than me.
BUT, the bras last and last, especially if you handwash them (they have a soap, buy the smallest bottle, it’s worth it). I have bras that are five years old still in my rotation. I generally buy one or two bras a year, and have had old bras realtered. Now that I am pregnant, I can even use my stretched-out bras for my increased cup-size. Before using them, I never had a bra last me a year. They also majorly cut down on my back pain and just generally increased my standard of living.
So look at it as an investment in your future? But yeah, it does hurt the wallet.
I am kind of jealous of you today, because due to a combination of running late and laundry I am wearing THE WORST BRA today. It is terrible and I hate it. The underwear doesn’t sit at the right spot on me or something, I don’t know, it just shifts really easily and I end up with underwire like half an inch BELOW my boobs and it’s the worst thing ever.
Can you go on your lunch to find a better one?? That sounds miserable 🙁
My office is in a bad location for such things! There is no where to buy a reasonably priced bra like my go-to Calvin Klein style that is usually $30-35. This bra is an unfortunate realization that I only like that specific Calvin Klein bra, not all CK bras. But my office’s nearest department stores are Bloomingdales and Saks and I cannot afford bra-shopping there. Stupid Midtown East.
You shop there and get fitted, you write down the bra models, you leave, you go on eBay and buy them cheap.
Back in the fifties, my mom, while bra-shopping, had a saleslady tell her she had the smallest breasts she’d ever seen. Meaning: we have nothing in stock that will fit you and it’s YOUR fault.
I’m in a similar boat: I didn’t have properly fit bras until my mid thirties. I think I just wore sports bras through my twenties.
My best bra-shopping tip is to go hang around on ebay once you’ve figured out what size you wear in a specific style. It sounds like… not a place to buy bras, but people are frequently selling overstock $80 Nordstrom bras for like 20 bucks and it’s amazing.
This also works with running shoes! Hadn’t thought about bras, though, good tip! 😀
Haha, yep, that’s also how I buy all my running shoes!
Circa sixth grade my mom forced me into a training bra because otherwise “boys will look at your nipples.”
Circa ninth grade my mom bought me a nasty beige C-cup that strangled my chest.
Circa eleventh grade I went on that one bra subreddit, got myself measured, bought a passel of ~$40 bras, and was happy.
Circa college I just sort of wait until mother-daughter shopping happens to buy bra-stuff, because haha broke student life
Yeah I had like $30 in my checking account when we went, so I was very very surprised to find two new bras and spanx thingy in my bag later on. Thank you, Mom.
OF COURSE the dress is a go! I’m so delighted about the Foundationing.
I was gonna suggest the undergarment shop in Royal Oak if you ever get downstate. They’re supposed to be the best around.
Oooh, I like that their google image is a lovely zaftig lady. Thanks for the rec!
I’ve been dying to go there and haven’t yet gotten the chance. But I hear wonderful things.
CONGRATS on your bra! Nothing like wearing something that fits right and feels good to make you walk around a little better.
Perhaps wiser bra-ladies than I can give some advice — I got fitted a few months back for a 30DD, and bought one bra in that size. It is SO TIGHT, even months later, it feels like it hasn’t stretched and I haven’t gotten used to it. It feels like it crushes my rib cage. Weirdly, on the brathatfits subreddit, there is an allegedly really amazing fit calculator, which calculated an even smaller size for me – I think 28D or something. WTF is going on?! The 30 is noticeably uncomfortable all day, a 28 would strangle me.
Hmm. I’ve read that if you’re particularly bony in the ribcage area that super tight bras can be really painful. I personally like my bras to be as tight as possible (I’m usually a 32 but will often buy a 30 band and wear it with an extender until it stretches out a little), but it’s totally a preference! You definitely shouldn’t have to wear something that hurts and you’re not WRONG if you want to go up a band size from what the calculator says or whatever (people will sometimes try to tell you that and they should shut up).
On the other hand, it could just be that the style doesn’t work well with your boobs/body shape. I struggle with that a lot and it’s really annoying.
I think it could be a combo of those things. Thank you though – someone in that bra sub reddit DID tell me I was Doing It All Wrong because I bought the slightly bigger 30DD instead of the 28whatever.
Ugh that’s so obnoxious. I’m not active on reddit because it scares me, hah, but I’ve used some of the resources on the bra subreddit and there’s a lot of good information there, it’s too bad a lot of the people are such pushy weirdos.
My 36 DDD bands are really tight too; but they don’t slide down my ribcage the way I’ve had other bras do.
It does stay put on me too, that’s true!
My underboob measurement is like 26″, so theoretically I should be wearing a 28 band with room to spare, but I generally find 30 bands much more comfortable and easier to find so I wear my sister size. Do what you want! If 32 bands don’t ride up onto your breast tissue when you lift up your arms and do the trying-on-bras dance, then they are a perfectly acceptable option. (I think even the brathatfits fanatics admit that these days–a few years ago the usual advice was to pull your tape measure as tight as humanly possible and that’s your band size, YOU’LL GET USED TO IT, but now it’s accepted that bras shouldn’t, you know, bruise you.) You can also get some band extender hooks for your 30DD bra if the fit of the cups really pleases you.
seconding @themegnapkin — it totally depends on the brand and the fit. the right band size often is pretty tight, although it shouldn’t feel like it’s strangling you. but a lot more goes into finding the right bra than just finding the supposedly correct number.
i’ve tried on a 30F from simone perele that felt like angel’s hands were holding me (except it cost $90 which i just can’t do) but i’ve also tried on a 30F from chantelle that was so girded that it felt like i was wearing a straight up corset. and both actually fit, not just that they were the same size, but they both actually fit without pinching or squishing.
It could be how you’re wearing it, too. I had heard so much tsking about women whose bands are way too high that I always made sure mine was low until the lady at the lingerie store told me it had to be higher to give the lift it was supposed to. Maybe double check that the shoulder straps are in the right place and that the band goes straight across your back, not down or up. If that’s all ok, maybe the bra just isn’t the right one for you.
Also, just in case you didn’t know, you can buy bra extenders – basically a strip with a hook and eye on either end – which adds some width, so try using one of them before you throw the bra out, it might give you the room you need.
Same size solidarity!!!
Do you also get the disbelief that you could possibly be a DD from other people? And then have to explain how proportions work and that VS is made of crap?
Which hook do you have your bra on? It should be snug, initially, on the loosest hook, so you can move in as the bra stretches out.
Different fabrics will feel more or less comfortable/strangulating, depending on what you prefer.
Additionally, where are you wearing your strap? Pull it down further on your back, and it might be more comfy. Are you doing the scoop and swoop to get all your breast tissue into the cups? I’ve found that if I don’t do that, my band will feel tighter.
I’ve had crazy good success with Wacoal bras–they’re my absolute favorites, and Nordstrom Rack often has them for a good discount.
I’ve found that even band sizes vary, not just cups/fit, even within a brand. I’m a 34 in a wacoal luxe (have they stopped making that line? i will weep) but can’t even fasten a 34 in their b-tempted line. Maybe the brand you bought is just cut a small, or doesn’t have as much give in the band as some (they do usually open up a little over time). If the cups are good otherwise, try an extender – it can buy you a quarter or half an inch, and a lot of comfort.
The brathatfits subreddit ladies are lovely, but they love a tight band and my body just- doesn’t. I measure at a 29 and basically all of my bras are 32s. I have two 30s and I wear them only with extenders. I also can’t find a 30 with wires wide enough (or rather far enough apart) because my boobs don’t like each other and prefer to live far, far apart on either side of my torso. Plus, at a 32D I’m not exactly carrying soooo much volume that I need to be strangled by my band in order for it to hold my boobs up. So I mostly buy 32s and am comfy.
The last time I went bra shopping, it was because the underwire on not one, but two of my bras had snapped within the space of a week (I know; I was impressed/horrified too). When I told the saleslady, she got this deer-in-the-headlights look and quietly whispered, “They do that?”
I found an underwire on the middle of my bedroom floor a couple of years ago. I have no idea where it came from, all my bras are intact and none of my bra-wearing visitors claimed it.
BRA GHOST
I’m about to say something that might be creepy, but if you feel like, it post a photo of you in your wedding dress wearing the foundation garments! I want to seeeeeeeeee!
As a plus-sized teen with a hippie mother, bras were not working out for me. Eventually I found Chantelle, and it was incredible (and then my mom starting wearing bras that fit well). Then I lost of a bunch of weight, my boobs stopped being epic, and bras were not really a big deal, and now I have gained it back but insist on wearing, like, hand-me-downs and stuff because I’m cheap? I’m not cheap, in fact, and spend lots of cash all the time on myself, but somehow I’m still wearing crap bras.
Of course we COMPLETELY forgot to take a photo, but I promise that the next time I’m at my mom’s, we will 🙂
i second the photo request!
i also had the same experience of seeing the bra light and then my mom following. growing up, she wore those playtex bras that came in boxes. no underwire, totally the wrong size, and she would groan and moan about how much she hated the bras all the time. it took a while to convince her, but eventually she came and got fitted with me and it was great.
I recently took my mom for a proper bra fitting too! She was sooooo skeptical but now she texts me all the time about how much she loves her bras and it’s basically the cutest.
My mom is very peculiar about her bras (she is post-mastectomy and post-radiation) and the last time she went for a fitting, it cost her money to get fitted and the bras still don’t fit–and she even went to a post-mastectomy specialist shop to do it. I am furious on her behalf and would like to take her to get sorted out.
WOW that’s awful!
that’s terrible, i’m so sorry.
my mom, post-mastectomy, had a really good experience at nordstrom. they offered a service that was covered by insurance, somehow. they had a specialist who fit her, spoke with her about what size she would like to present, helped her with fitting her prosthetics. we filled out some paperwork for insurance and it was done.
in the end, she never wears her prosthetics and prefers to wear little training bras with smaller falsies that she sews in. but they were patient and kind and it was about as good of an experience as you could hope.
i don’t know if that’s available to you, but just a heads up! it would be worth calling a local nordstrom (if you have one) and asking them if their lingerie department has a specialist for post-mastectomy shoppers.
If there was a Nordstrom within four hours of us, I’d do that in a heartbeat. She typically does the sports-bra-with-insert thing (how does chouffe get her sports bras? Mom buys them without trying on, hates them, passes them on) but I am certain, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that she’s going to want something a bit more elaborate for the wedding. She deserves to feel pretty.
The last time I bought bras I got fitted at a store and was recommended a B cup. It was like looking at mozzarella balls banded with rubber bands.
And then I sucked it up and went to Nordstrom’s, because having a nice lady get me bras that fit = worth the $$$.
I haaaaate shopping in person but I’m starting to admit that it might be a smarter move for bras, as I now have more than one bra from Brastop.com which is not worth the international postage to return. One of them I can make work, but the other one…anyone in the US in the market for a 38FF?
I went bra shopping with my mother last summer, who was HORRIFIED at the price point I was willing* to buy at (+$100) to get attractive, well fitting, va va voom support in 36 DDD bras.
So I went all in and bought the stunning $30 panties that matched. So she could have allll the outrage.
Totally worth every penny.
*Economic Privilege Disclaimer: willing and able
you are my hero.
I went to the fancy bra place and got fitted and spent like $100 on a bra once, and it was quite comfortable, but it wasn’t all that much more comfortable or lift-y or pretty than the $30 ones that only sort of fit, and the front was too high for half my shirts, so I’ve gone back to the cheap ones. I should try again.
Part of the problem is that I rejected all kinds of pretty, lift-y, otherwise comfortable bras that had underwire that poked my arms. I’d be fine with underwire if it didn’t stab me, but I’ve had bruises from the damn stuff before, so I’m not going to buy a bra that’s already noticably arm-stabby in the dressing room.
Yay wedding dress working!
Yay foundation garments!
I have abandoned bras with straps. I am wondering if I would reconsider this plan if faced with fitted bras? Straps just escape constantly, so I have stopped pretending they will stay on my shoulders and wear excluisvely Victoria’s Secret’s most expensive strapless bra. It is Lined With Velour and kind of magic.
that sounds like such a good answer! I was riding horses in my youth before sports bras were alive, and the straps always snuck down my arms and strangled my elbows making the whole riding deal far more fraught than necessary. I would tie the straps in the back, but doing without is a different kind of genius!
i live in california and it has been mild and warm. but they did find a suitcase with a torso in it about a mile and a half from where i work, which makes me break into a cold sweat every time i think about it too closely.
What is going ON in San Francisco this year? This is like the seventh murder and they only seem to be getting creepier.
Seriously!! Also I am getting exceedingly more anxious about the drought — we have had 0 rain in all of January wtf????
Yes the drought is really awful. 🙁
I am very worried about the drought.
i am also worried about this. we don’t have that long before the typically-rainy season is gone for good.
Oh, I saw that on the news last night and it was so frightening, and the area residents were blithely telling a reporter, “Well, if something like that’s gonna happen, you know it’s gonna happen here!” Strange thing to sound almost proud of, but you do you, area resident. Be safe!
D: have they found the rest of the body? There is something deeply horrifying to me about being murdered and only having some of me surface, you know? Like, murder is terrible, but I at least want all my bits in the same place.
they found…a leg, i think, down the street. but they haven’t found a head or arms or hands, and last time i checked, they weren’t even sure the suitcase contained the remains of more than one person. it’s so creepy, ughhhh.
what the hell, that’s terrifying!
I’ve had a frustrating week at work. Nothing terrible happened, just a pile-up of little crappy incidents. I could have shrugged each one of them off if they had occurred separately, but bundled together they took away my ability to keep things in perspective. I liked my previous job so much more than this one, even though all things considered this isn’t a bad job by any means. I find myself thinking, “I didn’t go to grad school so I could spend my days doing this nonsense.”
There’s been talk of renewing my contract for another year and I find myself almost hoping that they’ll change their minds or be unable to do it because I’m approaching the point where I would rather be unemployed than stay here. Or maybe the weekend will clear up my mental cobwebs and I’ll feel differently on Monday.
Man, my week has been a pile-up of little crappy incidents too. Not about work, specifically–I actually rather like (!!) my job, but bus-missing and thing-dropping and cooking fails and RRAAAH. I found that going to bed an hour early helped things a little. Good luck with sorting out the job situation, whatever kind of “sorting out” winds up being best for you!
God yeah I hate the ‘pile-up of little crappy incidents’ that happens sometimes. Straw that broke the camel’s back, etc. And it can feel silly to complain because when you start saying each thing it can seem too small to care about but it’s not — it’s exhausting when it happens in quick succession because it feels like your life is being relentlessly dickish to you. Anyway just wanted to say I’m so sorry because it’s horrible and I sympathise and I really hope you feel better soon. I expect things won’t feel as bad on Monday 🙂 But nevertheless it sounds like you might want to look for another job. Good luck, whatever you decide! x
Thank you for the kind words! I’ve been applying for other jobs since last May, but there aren’t a lot of vacancies in my field and at my level and there’s no shortage of applicants. 🙁 My husband and I would be fine financially if I didn’t work for a while, but I would get all bored and cabin-fevery.
Oh, I’m sorry work is sucking for you. I understand that feel! But I think you are pretty great and seeing your comments brightens my day, so the Toast will always be there for you.
Meditation!
Who all meditates? Formally or informally? What style? How has it improved or challenged you?
I’ve been studying Buddhism for years, and have considered myself to be a Buddhist for the last 10 years. I currently attend a Shambhala group and study Shambhala texts, and I feel like this last year I’ve seen how meditation and my studies have started to make significant changes in how I relate to people and myself. I even recently discovered some instruction from Trungpa Rinpoche (the founder of my lineage) that seems to describe perfectly the stage I’m in right now on the path.
I’m really excited about this, and was wondering if anyone else wanted to geek out about their practice…
I sit zazen just about every night either on my own or at my local (Soto) Zen center. Tried vipassana but I prefer the no-attainment mindset that Soto Zen encourages.
On the Zen note, last night was my first as kyoko (chant leader) at a wellbeing ceremony! I get to let this voice out at full volume and it’s not about sounding pretty. Good practice for working with my musical perfectionism, too. More training tomorrow morning – I’m psyched.
being a chant leader sounds really interesting! it’s those experiences of giving of yourself even if it’s imperfect that seem to be important in meditative/Buddhist practices. congrats!
For me, Shambhala’s “emotional warrior” stance was really helpful with my approach to life and the life experiences I’ve had. But like Alan Watts wrote: it’s not about riding the same (religion) raft back and forth across the river, but about using the right raft for the right river, and then using a different raft at the next river if that’s the right thing to do.
Iiiiiinteresting. Vipassana changed my life, but lately it’s felt too… athletic or something for me. It feels like the cross-fit of meditation and I can’t do it. I’m too hard on myself. I need some gentleness. Sometimes I’m like, well, a few minutes of metta is better than nothing!
There is something really powerful about getting to lead a chant like that – for me it was a real discovery of ‘oh, this isn’t necessarily me doing this, it is just happening’ which is a great thing to experience in any case. I speak as one who never felt comfortable with the sound of my own voice, but can belt out as chant leader with the best of them (or if not with the best of them, I don’t actually care).
I do! There’s actually a midnfullness meditation at my job and its LOVELY and beautiful in that room once a week. With bf out of town for work this week I’ve had a lot more quiet time that I spent doing my inner work. Its been really nice! IDK if it has a name per, say, but I try to focus on stillness and peace. Everyone please share im excited to hear more.
I’m a flaky practitioner at best, and kind of a cafeteria Buddhist about it which is even messier (adzuki beans everywhere!), but over the past week I had a surprising experience. In the midst of a multilayered freak out (housing, family, work, ugh) I was terrified, furious, and frantic, sometimes all at once. And where I’d usually try to get away from that, set aside my anger, try to calm myself down, instead I just hung in and sat with it all. I didn’t try to shore up my anger or release it, just looked at it and allowed it to be as it was. And it helped a lot. I’m still in the same situation and every day makes it more dire, but I’m coping a lot more constructively by not trying to change myself into someone I’m not on top of all the other junk on my plate right now. P.S. I love Chogyam Trungpa and Pema Chodron, but also Susan Piver, who studied with Sakyong Mepham (Trungpa’s son). It’s interesting to see how people take these ancient ideas and make them applicable to modern day living without going all infomercial.
I’ll look up Susan Piver, thanks!!! Learning to hang out, non-judgementally, with my feelings was probably the biggest game changer in my process. I’ve always been frankly terrified of my emotions, and that ratcheted up my anxiety and other issues/maladaptive coping techniques significantly. I have so much more emotional energy now that I’m not running away, and I understand myself so much better now that I’m learning to be with myself.
Meditation! My preferred practice these days includes prayer beads and an affirmation, prayer or mantra; which I find helps keep my mind from wandering.
After yoga is a good time for me; or before bed, or when I’m stressing out about something.
I have a wooden set of mala beads that I love, and multiple ‘anglican’ style (and other) rosaries, many of which I’ve made.
Timely! I just started – at my therapist’s suggestion – this week. It is very, very informal – I use an app. So far I find it mostly makes me very sleepy, but that’s perhaps because I’ve done it at night. I do feel good afterwards, but I’m definitely still getting used to it and learning. Lots of remembering to reel my thoughts back in to my breath and body. 🙂
Which app, please? If it feels too personal to share, I understand. Thanks.
It’s called Headspace. I’m liking it so far, but I think that after 10 sessions (the gimmick is meditate for 10 minutes, 10 days in a row) you have to pay for further sessions. Virtual Hope Box is another free app that has a few guided meditation/relaxation exercises, as well as a slew of other great mental health tidbits – you can make “coping cards” where you write out triggers/symptoms and coping ideas, there are inspirational quotes to read through, you can add photos and music that makes you happy, and there are little games that are meant to distract you in bad moments. I haven’t done the meditations with Virtual Hope Box yet but I really like the other features. Breathe is another free app (although like Headspace, it only has a limited number of free meditation exercises) that looks nice but I haven’t tried yet. I hope you find one that works for you!
I guess I meditate? Sort of?
My “meditation” involves looking up at the sky and going “the world is big, I am small, birds are nice, wildlife is important,” (essentially) and then walking around outside for a while, being conscious of my breath, and doing things that might look silly but feel really good (giving in to impulses like touching tree bark, feeling the cold mud, sitting on the ground and just enjoying it).
I guess I feel like spending time with the outside world and looking at it and feeling it while letting my brain rest does some good. I picked up “The Miracle of Mindfulness” about a year ago and there were parts that mentioned how it was important to spend time walking mindfully, so that is what I have been doing.
That totally counts. I have spent plenty of time doing ‘formal’ meditation, and now, being outside in nature does it for me just as well. It’s all about getting to pay attention
That sounds delicious. I like digging a hole in the raised beds here, dumping in my coffee grounds, and patting the dirt back over them. Just that little hit of being outside is really redeeming.
Just reading that made me feel peaceful! 😀
I (Cassandra) am just starting to try to meditate regularly, by which I mean I do it one night or two, and then I panic and do not for three months. But I am also studying Shambhala, via Pema Chodron, whose work my lover introduced me to. What she has to say goes so deep it is hard for me to read more than a page or two at a time.
Are you studying at a centre, or through books, or — really, I have probably two dozen questions for you. I am hovering on the threshold of trying to take this more seriously, but it is very, very difficult for a variety of reasons involving the past.
I mostly study through books, but I’ve been going to a center more regularly for the last year or so (sporadically for the previous 4 years). At the Shambhala center I go to, there is a community night where we meditate, then read some teaching on the Lojong, and then break into discussion groups. I have started to really enjoy the extra facet that having a Sangha has given my practice, but if you’re feeling especially raw as you practice, it may or may not be a good step for you at this time. If you live in a medium to large city, there will likely be a Shambhala center nearby that you can explore. But reading is still my main source of knowledge and inspiration. I find that reading about the Dharma is the best way for me to maintain my consciousness and presence.
Just to piggyback on what noodge4lyfe said, when I tried to practice regularly I did it alone at a time when I was dangerously depressed. I had to stop because it opened up so much emotional turmoil my brain pretty much tried to jump out of my head, and I was really sad about it. At that time a teacher, community, someone to say, “Oh, don’t worry, try this instead,” would have been lifesaving. But now I’m doing it alone and it’s really okay. So listen to what comes up for you when you’re exploring and honor it. If you get scared it’s okay to stop, too! I beat myself up about that & then realized, why? Why use this as another thing to “fail” at? Sheesh. Brains. Much better now, and I hope your practice is beneficial.
“So listen to what comes up for you when you’re exploring and honor it. If you get scared it’s okay to stop, too! I beat myself up about that & then realized, why? Why use this as another thing to “fail” at? ”
What a mature attitude. I need me some of that. I want to be more like you, Heather.
Ha, sage wisdom built on a foundation of kicking, screaming temper tantrums, but I’ll take that kindness anyway.
I love the Shambhala tradition, it’s helped me be much gentler with myself. I even gave my daughter the middle name of Pema in honor of Pema Chodron. 🙂 Noodge, what city do you live in, if I may ask? I’ve been to the level I warrior training here in Philadelphia and it was a wonderful experience. I’m looking forward to level II.
I’ve been listening to Tara Brach’s podcasts recently and I find her just as inspiring as Pema. They’ve both changed my life, I think.
HA! we probably know each other, llama-ja, if you go to the community nights at Philadelphia Shambhala. I would be very very interested in participating in the warrior training – now that I’m only working, instead of working and going to school, I’ve got time on my hands that I would love to fill with more training. If you don’t mind, would you be willing to email me more information on what you went to and what it was like? ms dot cvmcgraw at gmail dot com
Oh how cool to “meet” another toastie in the area, and one that shares so many reading interests (I read everything I could find by Alan Watts a few years ago). I’ll email you tonight/ this weekend. I don’t get to community nights because I’m in the suburbs now, but if I lived closer I would definitely be attending them. Take care and talk to you soon! 🙂
Here is a photo of a horse eating the carrot-nose and hay-hair off a snowman. Because why the hell not.
This photo is the true meaning of winter.
It has a coat!!!
I love it! And now I know what I’m doing this weekend besides shovelling frozen poo. Hmmm….Apple slices for eyes, maybe….?
God, I needs to figure out how to post pics, I really enjoy looking at four-legged Toasties!
The easiest way is to stick them on photobucket and thne just paste the contents of the ‘html’ box on the right. If you look at this page you can see the four ‘share this’ links:
http://s87.photobucket.com/user/Lebatihem/media/D…
Much obliged!
Sent from my iPad
SO CUTE!
aaahhh so cute – I miss horses!
I was stupid enough to go to the Park Slope Coop on Monday morning to get groceries. I was in more danger from panicking yuppies freaking out at each other over the line and availability or organic gala apples than I ever would have been from the storm.
Then my roommate and I had a rom-com marathon that started with “Keeping the Faith” and ended with “First Wives Club” (HOW HAD I NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE), went to bed awaiting the apocalypse and woke up to four inches of snow. Successful blizzard, I’d say.
FIRST WIVES CLUB yes yes yes, this movie forever
It was extra special for me because I was a huge Woody Allen fan and have been suffering from a lack of Diane Keaton being awesome. It was like a Woody Allen movie but I didn’t have to look at Woody Allen!
Agree! That’s how I feel about When Harry Met Sally too. And SJP is SO funny (and lovably earnest, even though she is supposed to be a semi-villain) in First Wives Club.
First Wives Club is a cinematic TREASURE.
You’re right! I also think it’s one of the very best things Goldie Hawn has ever done.
Love both of those movies!!!
FALLEN LONDON THREAD!
I am only missing 3 components for my zubmarine! I’m getting pretty tired of this chandleress and her moth problem, but I’m almost done and so close to being able to go zailing whenever I please. What is everyone else up to?
If you want to make a grand proposal of marriage, do you have to have one of the fancy POSI qualifiers on top of just being a POSI? Like “A legendary charisma” or whatever.
I am not sure about the proposal thing as I am living a nice settled companionable life with my artist’s model and we are quite happy, thank you.
Trying to get my Notability up so I can eventually become a legendary charisma. It is a grueling process. Also, I decided to change my club membership, so I’ve been grinding influence items in order to get enough personal recommendations to join the Young Stags.
What made you decide to change your club membership? I’m trying to pick one now.
Nothing in particular, just wanted to see if there was anything I was missing out on. I don’t know how much club-related activity there is to do–I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any extra storylets or anything by being a member of the Partheneum, so I’m wondering if the attribute bonuses are all there is to it.
One thing I found very helpful for getting notability – in my particular circumstances – was to get the rooms above a gambling den. You don’t need to live there, just own it. You get a card ‘The Tower of Sparrows’ where you can get masses of making waves, but it does use up nights on the town.
I just got up to notability 5 b/c my eyes are on becoming a Correspondent. That pot of violet ink looks fancy! But I need scholar of the correspondence 10, and I’m only at 6. It’ll take a while.
I took my maiden voyage to Polythreme! I accomplished absolutely nothing of note there, but it was fascinating all the same. Now I’m hanging around the Forgotten Quarter in search of eyeless skulls.
I finished winning all the Black Ribbon duels! Up next: hunting all available dangerous creatures!
Also, I gave in and spent Fate on my Singular Plant, which I’m glad I did because now I’m finally free of that dang unreliable Noted Orchid-Grower and getting new and different cards for it! GO PLANT GO. I hope if I grow it big enough I can sic it on my enemies.
HEY THESE DANGEROUS CREATURES ARE FREAKIN’ DANGEROUS. OW, MY WOUNDS.
FL is posting access codes on Facebook & Twitter leading up to Sunless Sea’s launch next week. Here’s the first one, which is a retread of a prior weekly access code with, I think, one new option: http://ow.ly/Id7X8
I looked on the wiki, and all the options for the first one seem to just turn goods into money? I want to keep my tiny cave fish, not just turn it into cash!
That was smart, I lost my Recipe for Zzoup. On the other hand, it netted me 17.5 Echoes, so that was some mad profitable Zzoup.
Yeah, I’m just a hoarder by nature so I’d rather have goods than cash. Realistically, what am I going to do with a tiny cave fish? It has no real uses. Glad your Zzoup made bank!
Me too, though I’m generally the kind of person who wants to have her Zzoup and eat it too, so I sympathize with your attachment to tiny cave fish!
Mine lives on my mantle and I, too, am deeply attached. Tiny cave fish!
Guh I’ve been grinding away. I got Persuasive to 100 and now am working on Dangerous. I’m so booorrreddd.
Any good actions for Dangerous that won’t increase my wounds? I finally found one after much trial and error (and Wound increasing) but I think I might get locked out of it soon. Perhaps it’s time to by the stat-reducing rat.
You don’t have to have your *base* stats to 100 though – you can use equipment to boost it above 100 and it will still work. I had both Dangerous and Shadowy under 100 when I became a POSI.
I’ve been grinding too. I’ve got Watchful (with equipment) to 100, everything else is languishing in the 70-85 range and it’s so boring.
Also, I’m trying to pick up a profession, now that I’m out of the training professions. But I think you just have to wait for a card to turn up offering you a job? How does that work?
It’s on cards you’d already see (for example, the Church, in addition to Attend a Fete or Take Lessons with a Curate). You’ll need to have your relationship with that group up to 20-25, I think!
CAT THREAD
Sorry for the delay, internet trouble.
No pictures today. little story about Bonny. Yesterday morning I woke – not on me to me, as is normal – around my face. She’d shuffled under my cheek. When I opened my eyes she started purring.
My cat Manatee:
I just looked at my phone and realized that I failed to take any new pictures of either Asa or Oliver this week. I feel like I have failed as a cat owner.
Cats! Here’s Atticus, displaying all the dignity nature has afforded him.
I have spent all week being a chin holder.
Kismet does that too! Sometimes I wake up and I’m cupping her head, her chin on my palm.
This is what I found this morning when I went to make the bed. They’re littermates, but normally they ignore each other and occasionally fight. The tortie is also a diva who generally refuses to be photographed.
Here is a cat, and a dog acting like a cat by climbing on the cat tree. The cat is not thrilled at this development:
Update on the cat love front: she has been back several times, once spending the night sleeping in my yard while the cat watched from the window. For those who missed last week’s Cat Thread, here is the object of my cat’s affections:
I still will not let Moxie out to see her. The problem is this:
The looks of fear and sadness on Moxie’s face when confronted by the prospect of having to walk in snow and have it touch his feet. A cat may love a moose, but where would they live? Moxie, to put it kindly, is a delicate flower not suited to the rigors of the wilds. I am not letting the moose move in. Therefore, I’ll be the villain here and stand in the way of their love.
Poor Moxie. Between this and whoever’s cat it was last week in love with the plumber, it’s the season for starcrossed kittens!
My friend gave me this egg cup for Christmas and the other day I noticed something…
Uncanny.
Klyde!
OH she looks so pretty and so soft and eee!
My poor kitty Greyson has a cold. He is sneezing and snuffling and oh, it’s just so sad. He’s eating and drinking pretty well despite it all, so I’m not taking him to the vet just yet, but my poor sweet pea. 🙁
I have an embarrassing secret I’m going to share with y’all, don’t hate me: I play golf. In fact I’m going golfing today.
I golf.
And I am bitterly, bitterly jealous you are golfing today.
I realized last summer that golfing is not so bad because you can drink bloody marys while you do it and you can only play nine holes if you want. Both of these things made me a literal fair weather fan of golf.
My buddy and I go to a par 3 “little boys” course up in the Oakland hills, so it’s not all serious (no driving) and it really is beautiful there. I like to say it’s a nice nature hike while hitting a ball around and enjoying some refreshments.
I love a par 3! Own your golf. I even wear a straw grandma visor.
Golf is fun! It’s one of those things where the fandom is the problem rather than the source material.
I’ve never actually played golf (aside from time at the driving range with Pa Jinx when I was a kid [we were both terrible] and miniature golf) but golf carts are hella fun.
Golf is awesome! Super fun, relaxing, cute outfits, and drinking is encouraged – could there be a better sport? I’m terrible at it myself, but boyf is teaching my 3 year old, so he’ll probably be the next Tiger Woods or something.
Has anyone been watching The Fall on BBC/ Netflix?
Gillian Anderson is a queen stone-cold detective! There is FEMINISM. There is QUEERNESS. There is RAMPANT INTENSE UNAPOLOGETIC FEMINISM.
I just finished the whole two seasons and I need to talk about this with people because it is like someone just gave me a show that has everything I want in it (Older woman in the main-character role solving crimes, calling out men on their shit in a cold and ruthless fashion, moments of queerness, men being uncomfortable, murder mysteries, a show that actively works to make the viewers question, ‘Why are you watching this?”, etc etc)
WELP I know what I’m doing tonight!
One think I WOULD follow up with: This show IS about Gillian Anderson (Stella Gibson) trying to catch a murderer. This murderer targets women. The show confronts this topic in an uncommonly self-aware way. However, if that is a subject that is sensitive for you or is not something you wish to see in your free time, that is understandable? I love this show and I love how it confronts and combats the oft-too-common trope of overtly-sexualized-murders-shows, but in doing so the show can be jarring because it does touch on those topics.
OK CONTENT WARNING OVER I FUCKING LOVED IT I MEAN SHE QUOTES ATWOOD AT ONE POINT I MEAN SHIT
Good warning! We just started watching the second season and watched the episode with her spectacular dismissal of the dude maybe hitting on Archie Panjabi last night. But yeah, sometimes the creepy stuff hits a little too close to home. (So I try to make sure to have a comedy or something to watch after it.)
I devoured both seasons over about a two-day period. Gillian Anderson is a goddess. Also, A+ for that line about female being humanity’s default state so therefore maleness is a birth defect.
I went to a con once for the sole purpose of meeting some of the cast of Battlestar Galactica. I was so singleminded in this that I didn’t even bother checking who the other guests were. Then I turned a corner around Gillian Anderson was RIGHT THERE and I actually had to go and sit down against the wall and just breathe for a few minutes.
Oh, I don’t think I could talk to her or ask for an autograph or anything, I would just sort of stare and then run in the other direction swooning.
I just started it! Mr ipsum is not as into it as I am. It may become my commute-time TV show. I will now leave this thread so as to avoid spoilers.
this sounds like my jam and like it may fill the void that was left behind when “top of the lake” ended, so i’m definitely going to start watching.
I liked it better than Top of the Lake (which I also liked). Stella is so in control of herself and unapologetic about it, and as she’s in a position of power (also she’s smarter than everyone else), men have to defer to her. I feel like Robin is still on her way to that point – which is great! But Stella is aspirational for me in a way that Robin is not.
this sounds so promising! thanks for the info!
I LOVE THAT SHOW
I watched the entire second season this week. It is excellent.
Tried to watch it, but it is much too scary for me. I first tried alone, and turned it off within 5 minutes.
Watched the first episode with my boyfriend last night, missing the ending due to having to leave the house for a thing (he was like “you would NOT have liked the end”). Later, when awake late at night, I was CERTAIN there was a horrifying man in my house, and had to go check everything, and then get a snack, so yes, TOO SCARY FOR ME.
I’m a tender-brain.
I had the same problem, which is an absolute crying shame since I have been in love with Gillian Anderson my entire adult life. I do genuinely appreciate that they have made the threat and violence deliberately, realistically disturbing but…that is also the reason why I cannot watch it. Augh.
Me too! I watched the first season, but I don’t think I can handle another. I found it terrifying in a way that stuck with me. Plus, my roommate is going out of town for the next two weeks. Nope!
We mainlined season 2 the day after it came out, just six hours of glorious Gillian Anderson kicking ass.
Can anyone comment on how similar or dissimilar this is to The Killing? I got them mixed up (which has to happen with more people than me, right?) but had heard good things about both, and I watched the first episode of The Killing, and it was just too dark and slow-moving for me. I’ve heard nothing but positive stuff about The Fall, though.
Well, in the Fall, Stella is amazing and competent. In the killing, Linden’s a bit of a shit show, you know. Good at her job, but not much else. So though they are both excellent female characters who are policewomen who are doing a fabulous job, you are left with a very different feeling. And the folks around them react and respond differently to them too. I also think it’s interesting that you always know who’s responsible in the Fall. The interesting thing is how he does it, covers it up, how they go about investigating it, the things they catch and miss are obvious to the viewer in real time in a way they aren’t to the charcters sometimes which was kind of interesting to me. I did love the Holder too and i thought i was going to love the holder/Linden relationship. But it was kind of ruined for me by how it ended. Anyway, different but both good. A+ x 2.
After watching The Fall, I cannot even look at Jamie Dornan in the Fifty Shades trailer. Adds a whole ‘nother layer of CREEPY.
SAME!!! it creeps me out that casting saw him on The Fall, and were like yeah that guy would be the perfect BDSM protaganist.
1)Definitely going to watch this now.
2)I’ve been imagining just the capitalised words in Frog’s original comment in an outraged posh old man voice and this entertains me.
Hi this is my favorite comment.
“FEMINISM! IN MY BACKYARD! JUST…PRANCING ABOUT!” *WAVES CANE*
Prancing Feminism Forever!!!
Online dating thread here — give me your horror stories, your shade, your hook-ups both great and terrible!
After last week’s slump, things really turned around for ol’ chnellociraptor. I made a date on Friday night with a guy from OkCupid; we went out Sunday, had an awesome time, and made out a bunch in front of my apartment building. Went out again Tuesday, spent the night at his place, and then hung out at his place/slept over last night.
I like this dude a lot — there’s good chemistry, he’s easy to be with, the situation is low-key without feeling slimy — and I’ve been debating whether to keep responding to messages from other guys. My pragmatic side says to keep your avenues open, but every time I think about trying to see other guys while still sleeping with this dude, I get so tired and bored and frustrated. I don’t think we’re necessarily in an area of exclusivity, but I think I’m getting what I need right now and I don’t need to keep multiple pans in the fire, you know? BUT WHAT IF. I got like four messages over the weekend from totally cute dudes that I felt pretty bad about ignoring. Anyone else have this dilemma?
Keep in contact with awesome dude, and do what feels right. Don’t force yourself to date if you don’t feel like it. Also, wrt cute dude messages: just wait a couple of days and respond when you feel like it!
As far as OKC dates go…lord. The things. The things I have seen. The guy who seemed cute but I am pretty sure was on cocaine and had “given all of his cash to some yelling guy outside the train station” and just… there was a lot going on there.
Also, there have been dates where I feel like a person writes SO well in their messages, but in person I feel like I’m talking to an automaton. So creepy.
I’m in a very similar situation right now and on the one hand it’s great but I’m also feeling the same kinds worries you’re talking about. I really like this dude but it feels a little premature to be like “okay, done with everyone else!” At the same time though I’m super busy at the moment and I don’t think I’m going to end up prioritizing other people over trying to keep things going with this one and not stressing too much about it. Easier said than done.
This is made easier by the fact that I haven’t gotten any messages lately that I feel even remotely bad about ignoring (and I haven’t been seeking anyone out). Favorite/least favorite of the week was a guy who was like “You’re a neuroscientist? So you’re just like Amy from the Big Bang Theory, right?” Nothing female scientists love more than being compared to the Big Bang Theory.
Ooo! I met my husband through online dating! So, that’s my “best” online dating story 🙂 Seriously, though, we didn’t have any friends in common and he is not the kind of guy to hit on a stranger, so we literally would not have met had it not been for online dating.
My best worst online dating story: I made a guy cry on our first (and only) date. He spent a huge part of the evening needling me about my moral code (I am a lawyer and have noticed that some guys think this means, “hey I bet she’s really going to love it if I show how smart I am by cross-examining her instead of having a normal conversation like a human”). I was incredibly patient and tactful all night until he finally just took it too far and I blew up at him and informed him that I could not fathom why he thought it appropriate — let alone fun — on a first date to try to “prove” that my moral standards were, in fact, flimsy and unrealistic. Then he started to cry. And I didn’t feel bad.
WOW
ALL OF THE WOW
WHY DO GUYS DO THIS??? I’m so glad you made him cry.
Honestly, you deserve a standing ovation for this. It sounded like SOMEONE needed to make him cry.
male tears ftw
Yay, that sounds fun! Low-key without being slimy is my relationship-style ideal right now. I would answer other messages only if they are very promising and only if it doesn’t stress you out! I mean, if something happens and this guy is no longer in your life, the worst thing that will happen is that you might have a bit of a dry spell while you ramp up your messaging activity again. If that idea stresses you out more than putting time and energy into messaging with multiple dudes now, then I guess it might be worth keeping the fires going.
This week I had a dude flake on getting together (totally excited to meet me in person! until we try to nail down a specific date, and then it’s “I’ll let you know” and then not letting me know). Whatevs. I am messaging with a woman now who seems pretty cool but is new to dating women, which makes me a little nervous only because I feel like it’s a big responsibility to be someone’s first experience. Like, what if I do it wrong and she’s like “hmm, never mind, women are not that great after all” and then I am the reason she never reaches her sapphic potential? I am being ridiculous, I know. Also I do not want to discourage women who are new to dating women because there are all kinds of biphobic narratives that say that they are not legitimate, and they are! Everyone is legitimate as long as they are being up front about what they are looking for and what they can offer and not like, pretending to be attracted to you for glamourous international spying purposes. In any case we have agreed to get together but not figured out our schedules yet, and until that point is reached there is really no point in worrying.
Yeah, you know, I think I would rather just do what’s not stressing me out and deal with the dry spell later than try to be a baller. I’m glad that you put it in those terms, that really helps.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself about being this woman’s first same-sex experience; I’d extend her the same kindness and enthusiasm I’d extend any first date, but maybe reserve judgment about any nerves or slightly odd behaviour (so long as it’s not dealbreaker-ish). That’s really all I would want out of my first experience, and if it turns out she never dates another woman, I seriously doubt that you are the main catalyst. This is probably all obvious advice, but it bears repeating if it’s bugging you!
Bears repeating for sure, thank you! That is a good point about reserving judgement. Dating is almost always awkward at first so I try to be as forgiving of people as I would want them to be of me (unless they get like, mean when they get nervous or whatever, that is a bad sign).
“sapphic potential”
This made me snerk.
Is it super fucking obnoxious to braggartly tell success stories? If so, I will not. If not, I will!
TELL TELL TELL.
Ok! I online dated for four years, on and off. I met LOTS of guys, and girl or two. I have stories that are all over the map – some horror shows, some very nice dudes, some 3 month relationships, etc. I feel like I got REALLY good at online dating. I was so slick, man. I had a great profile, great messaging game, the perfect first-date bar. I mastered the week-night drinks first date.
Anyway back in 2012, I was in a FWB thing with a pal for a few months. Great sex, but not the nicest person, and I was developing feelings. I could feel that I was going to get hurt, and decided to get back on OKC to meet a few people so I had, in my own terms, a “crashpad”. I was lining up my rebound. (robotneedslove was also my OKC name, and it was a very accurate description of my approach to matters of the heart at that time. I was jaded and proud of it.)
One day I was noodling around on OKC, bemoaning that all the dudes on there I was interested in I had already dated. And then up pops this profile of some tall, bearded fellow. Funny profile, but pretty spartan. Quietly but vehemently feminist and anti-homophobia. Some photos with beard, some without. I messaged him. “So, friend, you still have that beard or what?”
We went out, had a great time, I kept sleeping with the FWB two months, turning down new guy’s request for exclusivity. Eventually I ended it with the other guy, and things just took off like gangbusters with my OKC bearded fellow. We fell in love, fell in love HARD, and had a honeymoon period that lasted 8 months, and transitioned so nicely into something better and deeper and more wonderful.
2.5 years later, we live together, have merged cats, and are still crazy in love. CRAZY in love. My sister (that devil) informs me that he’s been to the jeweller to have his mom’s old ring (that his dead, who passed away 10 years ago, gave to her when they got engaged) re-made.
Reader, I think I’m going to marry him.
Awwww, I like this story so much! I would like it read to me before bedtime every night. Congrats, you crazy kids.
Oh, this is great! Excellent work.
As well you should. As well he should, if he deserves you, and he sounds like he does.
Great story!
That is adorable but I need to see a picture of the merged cats, who I assume have been assembled into one larger cat, Frankenstein-like.
HAHAHA. Their worst nightmare. They now live in relatively peaceful co-existence, but each would vastly prefer if we threw the other off the balcony. Early introductions involved blood, fur, and cat pee all over at least one wall. Eventually the big cat had to be harnessed for all interactions, until things quieted down, which took at least 2 months.
If they did become a Frankencat, it would weigh 32 lbs and be terrifying and OH SO FLUFFY AND LOVABL
My partner and me (also met on OKCupid) are still v. much enjoying our honeymoon period. Cheers to you, your bearded fellow, and your merged cats! Perhaps the two of us will follow in your footsteps, but without the cats because I am allergic, much to his chagrin. 😉
Give us your success stories, they will provide sustenance for us in lean times.
If talking to other messages is stressing you out, then don’t do it! That’s been my advice to everyone (including myself), whether or not they have a possible Thing going on. You can always message them later, if you feel like it.
As for me — someone messaged me, and I messaged him back: good!
Then he messaged me three times in a row in the small hours of the morning, telling me repeatedly that he thinks I’m cool and we’re going to be friends: weird!
Then I was busy at work and couldn’t respond, so he sent me several messages reiterating how cool and fun I am and how he’s sure we’re definitely going to be good pals: increasingly alarming!
so that’s fun.
Noooooo, why would he do that.
idk men on the internet?
Maybe I’m just being paranoid — I had something similar happen in a non-dating internet man situation — I used to play a lot of multiplayer video games, and I had some guy friends, and one ended up fixating on me and trying to force a much closer relationship than I wanted/had and got bizarrely passive-aggressive when I asked him (nicely! because we were friends, more or less) to back off. But even if I’m being paranoid, I’m not being that paranoid.
You’re not being paranoid, that sounds quite off-putting.
Maybe my feelings are colored by my recent experiences, but I really get pissed off at that sort of unwarranted presumption. Why is he assuming YOU want to be besties all of a sudden? Ugh…
Yeah, you are not being paranoid, that sounds like bad news.
Ahhhhh that is my literal nightmare! Why do some people have to be like that?
Yeah! and like, he seems like an okay person to at least chat with, if he were less immediately WE ARE BESTIES NOW, so that’s extra unfortunate.
Jesus, I’ve had some lulus lately. Like the man says, if it weren’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have no luck at all…
The last one was the worst. Went out with the guy on Saturday, had an OK time, but there were a lot of red flags so I told him I didn’t think I was interested in going out again. He proceeded to send me multiple messages a day, badgering me about why we were perfect for each other, quoting things from my profile, and generally being super creepy. When I finally texted him and told him he was making me uncomfortable and would he please stop contacting me, he started CALLING me and sent even more texts–fifteen in one day! I haven’t responded at all, and he seems to have stopped now, but if it keeps on I am going to file a police report.
FFS all I want is to get laid on the regular by someone I get on with, but I’m starting to think it’s just not worth it.
NOOO WHAT
also check your email in a minute
Yay! I was worried my note had gone in your spam folder. Replying now…
WOW WOW WOW. That is absolutely terrible and I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can’t believe someone would do that after one date. Yeah, I wouldn’t blame you for taking a breather after that.
It was definitely weird! I hasten to add that I’ve been dating online for a while and this is the first time I’ve not been able to identify a mentally unstable person in advance. They are out there, but you can usually see them coming. And while I haven’t found any kind of relationship online, I have made a couple good friends. So overall it’s been positive.
But–yeah, going to proceed a bit more cautiously from now on. Mainly not giving out my phone number until *after* we’ve met.
Ick, congrats on dodging a bullet there.
Thanks! Still not sure I’ve dodged it completely…I’ll be checking my rearview mirror for a while.
you can also message these guys back later on, if any of them seem super promising. A quick “Hey, I was super busy but now I have a bit of free time,” might work. So you’re not necessarily turning those guys down completely.
I had such weirdly good luck with online dating (not common to my overall dating life, which while not terrible, wasn’t spectacular). My gf has now moved in and we adopted a very ridiculous cat who wouldn’t stop head butting my hand at 5:30am this morning.
Awww, congrats to you two!
ALSO: Please ignore if I sound like a heartless game-playing monster.
Going on other dates while in the early stages of things with someone I like really helped me. I tend to overthink/get worked up/freak out etc when I like someone. So, when there were other guys in the picture to take my mind off things, I could ease into something with more grace and a lower chance of an out-sized emotional reaction that had the possibility to deep-six something good before it got off the ground.
PLUS (here is the monstrous part) guys can’t fucking resist it when they can’t pin you down.
NOT monstrous! Like I said, we’re hardly exclusive, so I wouldn’t call it game-playing for me to meet up with or chat with another guy. I’m not 100% if that’s really what I want right now, but I like having the perspective!
I promised a friend that I would finally set up an OKC profile this afternoon, but the horror stories this thread are total demotivation. Also, I hate filling out “About Me” sections. What the eff are you supposed to write? What tone are you supposed to go for? Am I really about to Google “how to successfully complete an online dating profile”?
Just don’t write “lol as if I’m going to fill this out” like one guy I saw, and you’re off to a great start!
But I know, it’s hard and no one likes doing them, which is I suppose why you get so many “I’m a laid-back, easy-going guy who loves to laugh!” profiles. I don’t know what the equivalent of that is for women. Is there something about you that you can mention that would make a good conversation starter? I play roller derby, and it makes for an easy ice-breaking topic for someone to message me with if they either want to ask me more about it or have seen a game and can say so. It can be something silly like an irrational fear or an unpopular opinion about which order to watch the star wars movies in or whatever, just something that people can ask you about.
You could do much worse than just saying, I am Ab Fab and I read the Toast. That should winnow away some of the bros.
Terse/mysterious can be good.
NOOO! Read our success stories!
Here are my profile tips, all based around the idea that the profile is a marketing tool. It is not the product, it is just selling the product. It’s just a hook, a way to see if there’s enough interest to get you both into a bar (or first date place of choice) and see if there is ACTUALLY compatibility.
1) BE HONEST. You have a host of qualities, and some of them are attractive to some people. Be honest about them. You want someone who is actually interested in what you have going on. For example, I was really honest about having a busy and “high-powered” job, being on the curvier side of things, and being pretty political. It helped narrow my field. Whatever qualities you have, go for those ones. The positive ones.
2) SHOW DON’T TELL. This is marketing, right? Your profile is marketing your product (you). Think about your market (not “all men” or whatever, but “the actual people you want to date”). So, if you’re funny and glib in real life, be funny and glib. But you actually have to be funny. If you are a straightforward person, be straightforward. If you want to talk about books, talk a little about books.
This is particularly important with your photos. Use your photos to emphasize both what you actually look like and who you are. For example, I used a photo of me at a pro-choice rally, another one of me using a chainsaw, and another one of me wearing sequins, cause I wear a lot of sequins. I think those photos tell a pretty accurate story about who I am. You don’t like it? Go away.
3) LESS IS MORE. Don’t have to write long essays, unless you really want to. Hit the high notes. Only answer the questions you feel like answering. People have short attention spans. Grab them.
My suggestion is: write freely, without overthinking it. Have a glass of wine or two, and just write. Then go back and edit heavily, taking out everything that isn’t necessary to create the tone you want or convey in the information you want to convey. Then, done!
I remember when you friend did hers, and she was like “I grew up in X, blah blah blah”. Who cares where you grew up? That is not one of the key points people are looking for when they are looking at your profile. People generally care about social compatibility (similar or compatible senses of humour, etc), similar or compatible values, physical compatibility, and whether you are generally looking for the same things. So, focus all your profile on giving information about those things, and delete everything else. Tell them where you grew up when you’re having a drink at the bar.
You guys are slaying me with your wonderful & thoughtful responses. I shouldn’t be surprised – you all (and this site) are the best.
My about me was heavily grocery store focused, I think (to be fair, I had just moved to a new city, and it’s a really, really good grocery store and I was really excited about it and I really like cooking and eating, so it was representative, too). I just tried to write about things about me that might lead to an actual conversation. And then tried to go on dates rather than chatting online forever. (My photos were sparse and mostly action photos rather than posed or fancy or anything.)
The grocery store tactic actually worked, as it gave my now-husband something he could latch onto when he messaged me. He teases me about how non-informative my photos were, but as I ended up married to a fabulous guy I maintain that they did the job.
Soo…write about something that you have a genuine interest in- something you’ve recently gotten into that you’re excited about, something that’s been your thing forever that you still love- something you!
And don’t be afraid to just straight up delete and block the terrible people with zero exchange, as them being terrible has nothing to do with you and is best gotten rid of as quickly as possible.
I just want to shout out whoever recommended B612 in one of these threads in the last month or so. It has been revelatory for my (purely physical) self-image, even though I suppose it’s a throne of lies.
I had a similar situation come up last year. I was doing the OKCupid thing, for the first time, actually, not really knowing what I was doing but having a lot of fun. Went on a date with Bachelor #1. He was funny and we laughed and had a great time. A stream of constant, intense, steamy sexting (which I loved!), followed by a second very low-key date. We scheduled a third date. Then he messaged me telling me he’d changed his mind and it wasn’t going to work out and he wouldn’t tell me why. *shrug* Then Bachelor #2 came along. We had a lovely cup of tea together and I enjoyed his delightfully nerdy company. We were in the process of scheduling a second date when Bachelor #3 appeared and we had a beer together. Ah, now I really liked Bachelor #3 as it turned out. We instantly started spending a lot of time together. When Bachelor #2 and I finally got our second date scheduled, I let Bachelor #3 know about it because I didn’t want any secrets, and he was chill. But I couldn’t help but feel like I should cancel with #2. That idea scared me–it had only been, like a week or two! I wasn’t ready for exclusivity! But when I went on my date with #2, the WHOLE TIME I was pretty much strategizing about how to let him down easy and what kind of date #3 and I should try next. So a couple of days later, I politely let #2 know what was going on and let him know that I’d enjoyed getting to know him and blah blah but that I was kind of falling for someone else. It was a friendly parting. I hope Bachelor #2 is happily dating some cool person now. =)
8 months later, Bachelor #3 and I are in a happy, loving, supportive relationship, albeit a long distance one since both of us have moved in opposite directions. So, I guess my response to you is: don’t do anything that stresses you out. Dating should be fun and chill. You can deactivate your account for a bit if all the messages are stressing you out. You don’t *have* to have lots of options open all at once, and if you stop seeing Low-Key Dude, you’ll have plenty of options still waiting for you anyway. If you are falling for Low-Key Dude, then definitely just tune out the chatter from the other dudes and focus on that. It doesn’t mean you’re going to propose to him next week. It just means you are focusing on one thing for right now, and that’s ok too. I think the idea of the Commitment of Exclusivity is what scared me at first, but it doesn’t have to be Official Exclusivity, nor does it have to entail lots of commitment. Try to relax and have fun with it. Good luck!
My car died this week! The guy from AAA got it started when I couldn’t get out of my parking lot, but then I tried to drive home from work and it would not start again. (It’s not the battery, nor anything else easily solvable, tragically.) I am being saved today by the power of Dad, as mine is driving six hours to bring me the car he was talking about giving me at Christmas. (Mom is also coming, and that feels like a slight to say it that way, because she volunteered to drive herself if she needed to and she hasn’t driven on the highway in close to ten years.)
It has been a nightmare week, I tell you what. Last night I ordered pizza and watched both How to Train Your Dragon movies while playing with Legos in celebration of some actual adults coming to help out with things for a couple of days.
CARS. Almost everyone in my office had to give money to mechanics this week. I’m so sorry to hear yours died, and hooray for dads.
Bad hair stories:
My bangs have gotten really really long recently, and, in my currently SAD-affected state, I have not managed to make it into the salon to fix.
So, on an impulse yesterday, I asked my husband to trim my bangs, thinking “Oh, he’ll do a much better job than me!” WRONG. I haven’t had bangs this terrible since my Dad used to cut them when I was a kid.
And then, as it suddenly occurred to him that it was possible to cut hair at home, he decided to cut his own bangs as well!! WE NOW MATCH.
Anyone else have some bad hair stories to share? Or wonderful stories about amazing stylists?
My favorite thing about hair is that no matter how bad your haircut is, it always grows back out again. And in the meantime, you can go get an awesome pixie cut, or just rock cute hats!
Yes for fashion! I am bringing out all of my hairstyles that I can do with pretty scarves.
One time freshman year of college, I decided that it would be a good time to try dying my hair blonde after imbibing a large quantity of vodka. It did not go well. I woke up with a bad hangover and a head of unevenly-colored straw.
Oh, no — were you able to fix it? Or did you have to wait for the straw to grow out?
I styled it as best I could and waited it out. If anyone asked, I told them it looked like that on purpose.
I once ended up with a flaming orange bob because a few months after getting my hair bleached a nice golden-blond, I decided to go red. I guess it was my fault, ultimately, but I can’t help but feel my stylist had a responsibility to say, “Hey, just so you know, the red might interact with your current colour in unexpected ways!”
Like I mentioned yesterday, I cut my own bangs and they look choppy and awkward. But on the other hand I am so mediocre at styling my own hair that even if I had gotten an A+ professional bang trim, the end result wouldn’t look much better than what I’ve got going on right now.
I trim my own bangs most of the time too because getting to the salon is a pain, and sometimes they turn out perfect but right now they are terribly choppy and uneven but oh well they are just hair and at least I can see without hair in my face now.
I actually went and responded to your yesterday post this morning after the matching bangs fiasco of last night (I get so antsy with no link round-up!), and then decided to put it here.
Your stylist totally should have been more honest with you. That’s the whole reason for doing colour in a salon instead of at home!
I had a pixie cut for many years and when I got tired of paying for a haircut every six weeks/ looking like Carol Brady I started cutting it myself. I have a weird cowlick on the back of my head at the nape of my neck and I would know it was time for a trim when that part got long enough to stick straight out. I had electric clippers and would shave up in an attempted fade while looking at the back of my head in a mirror. HINT: this is not a path to success.
On the plus side, through sheer exposure, I no longer have any anxiety about bad hair days.
Oh hey, I have a pixie cut now and regularly trim the back/sides of my own hair with electric clippers. I definitely gave myself weird bald spots before I figured out not to use the ear guards, but I think I manage fairly well now.
It does not solve my current problem of bangs in my eyes, though. I think I actually have to get a haircut sometime soon.
That is the bright side!
It can be so unfair that men’s haircuts are so cheap because they have to do it every six weeks, but women with short hair (of the same length) have to pay so much more. I would’ve used the electric clippers too.
My best friends and I LOVED to play makeover when we were in our early teens, and one time we bought a kit and attempted to put highlights in my super dark hair. I ended up with an orange circle on the side of my head.
Oh, no… oh no. That’s a hard fix.
Yeah, the “fix” was to wear a ponytail for the next six months and hope no one mocked me in public. It was less traumatic than it could have been for a more self-aware and sensitive child.
Not a cut, thank goodness, but I once went in for a pre-fancy-do style asking for Old Hollywood Glam finger waves and came out with Awkward 80s Teenager.
I’m thatclose to getting fake bangs because I’m too wimpy to get the real thing (had a pixie cut, grew it out to shoulder length, took forever, hence the wimpyness).
Are fake bangs a real thing? They kind of sound amazing.
HAHAHA. My dad also used to cut my bangs when I was a kid, and they would get shorter and shorter as he tried to get them straight, until they were like a toothbrush, and then he would tell me it was so he could see my forehead to remind him of my “big brain”.
:/
Aww! Dads …
The only thing my Dad found more frustrating that having a daughter with bangs was having a daughter who was trying to grow out her bangs. He got so frustrated with the hair gel and headbands I needed to do it.
I could fill an entire thread based on my stay-at-home Dad’s utter lack of competence with girl’s hair cuts. He once decided that I didn’t need to take my hair out of a at all ponytail for two weeks at the cabin. My grandmother’s reaction when she showed up was unforgettable.
I did that to myself once. Started from scratch (blunt cut, just past shoulder length) and tried to cut bangs to cover a giant zit, ended up with toothbrush, attempted to shave my hairline back. Cannot impress upon anyone enough, ever, what a traumatic experience that was.
oh dear; that was one of my mom’s “secret mom tricks” – like all girls, my sister and I each cut our own hair at some point in childhood, as have ALL my female cousins. Sis and I got really short haircuts when we did it, and never did again. At least one cousin cut her hair twice more after getting it sort of fixed up. Moral: make it a big deal, and the child will remember “I don’t want to do that again!”
On the other hand, my brother, the curly haired one in the family, spent about a year cutting off any curls that stuck up as “horns” and nobody noticed. So there’s that too.
My mom tells stories of her mom cutting her bangs using a piece of tape as a guide. It would still always end up crooked and she has pictures of bangs that are about half an inch long to prove it.
I used to trim my own bangs all the time on account of being much, much too lazy to go to the salon regularly enough (despite my stylist pointedly reminding me that she would do bang trims for free, with a clear undercurrent of “please, for the love of all that is good, do not fuck up this haircut again”).
I did eventually get good enough that my trims looked pretty decent like 50% of the time, but there was a LOT of this:
1. Go into literally any salon, just off the street, and ask if they can fix just your bangs. It’s totally ok.
2. One time I decided to bob my own hair because it would look “choppy” and “fun” – this was not the case.
3. My father recommended the salon I should go to to get my hair done for prom. And I listened. His recommendation was bad, and really I should have known that, but I didn’t.
4. I haven’t cut my hair for a year, but I know better than to cut it myself, but something (sadness? lack of light outside? Grad application panic?) is preventing me from calling my hairdresser and making an appointment. But I know better than to walk into a random salon to do it. But bangs? Bangs are ok to cut like that.
I gave myself a haircut last week! Like you, raquinsey, I sometimes just don’t feel up to going out for a haircut and having to make smalltalk with a stylist. I have to say, I’m pretty happy with my work. It was free and turned out ok! I basically have Ramona Quimby hair, so nothing fancy, but it did involve some behind-the-head cutting. I usually wear it up in a ponytail, so it doesn’t need to be perfect.
I was invited to a house party at a friend of a friend’s house this week, and I got to the neighborhood well before my friends-I-actually-know left their own home. I didn’t want to arrive at the party FIRST (heyyyy, you probably don’t know me but I was invited here by X and Y, so…can I come in?), so I hung out in a Starbucks for a while, and eventually decided, screw this, I don’t even want to go to this party. So I texted my friend my apologies and took myself home. And I didn’t feel as bad about it as I thought I was going to.
Long story short, sometimes it is possible to do the thing that’s best for yourself and not feel massive amounts of guilt, and I am trying to do more of it!
Congratulations!
I definitely know how good this feels. I try and force myself out periodically (because socialization, like exercise, is better when you practice), but finding the balance between “I am going to go, and I know I’ll enjoy myself once I’m there” and “screw it, I don’t want to talk to anyone tonight” is a lovely thing.
I bought a digital TV antenna so that I could watch the superbowl in my skivvies while housing chicken wings, like a good ‘Murican. Looking forward to that. I might even make pigs in a blanket.
I am very discomfited, however, that I cannot pick up PBS in my living room. I also can’t pick up FOX – maybe they cancelled each other out? In any event, I am going to try to mount the antenna all over the house to chase that PBS signal. It must be somewhere. All the antenna website maps say I should be getting PBS. I will FIND IT. You can’t hide from me, quality broadcast TV!
I can’t reliably get PBS either! It comes in during the day, but this does nothing for my British mystery addiction.
Honestly, you can never tell with antennas. Hypothetically I should be able to get our local PBS station but the hill behind my house blocks it. Because we have a giant antenna, we instead pick up the farther away PBS station out of Asheville. But if we turn the antenna to better pick up the local NBC affiliate, we lose PBS and also sometimes either Fox or ABC, iirc. All because of the pesky hill behind the house.
I’m moving this weekend and I’m not even bothering with an antenna because the new place is right next to a mountain.
I had a house like that. The best antenna placement turned out to be, after muuuuuch experimentation, affixed to the ceiling of the basement, flat against the ceiling, near a tiny window. Go figure. Best of luck with your antenna experiments.
I’m about to begin the zubmarine gathering. How long has it taken you? It looks like it will take aaagggeeessssss. I’m doing the rats card in the Bazaar Sidestreets at the mo, getting enough strong-backed labour. I do not know what I will get from that rats card but I’m a-gonna do it anyway!
Octopoda and I got married last week, in a ceremony at zee and now it seems we can’t take each other on dates anymore?? As she remarked to me, it is like the game assumes we are old boring married people now!
ETA: this was a reply to winterbymorning in the Fallen London thread.
It took sooooooo long. I took breaks to focus on other things, otherwise I would have lost patience with the game. I tried to combine it with other goals, for example – you need Memories of Light for the Whirring Contraptions. You can get Memories of Light from Stolen Correspondence –> Intriguing Gossip –> Compromising Documents. I spent a lot of time at Court doing the “Life of the mind” option to get Stolen Correspondence, because you also get one cp of Making Waves per turn, so I raised my Notability quite a bit through that.
You’re going to need 20 Strong-Backed Labour for the zubmarine as well, so keep that in mind!
Full disclosure… I am a guy 🙂 (one of the weird ones who love this site according to Mallory).
I am getting into fights witht eh black ribbon society. I killed Feducci finally. Did you know if you lose that card, he kills you instantly? I have had several trips with the boatman recently.
Zomg! Haha, that’s funny. We know each other so well.
It’s ok, it is pretty dark out on the Unterzee. At least I am not a rubbery man! (or am I?)
Out of context Fallen London comments are my absolute favorite.
My favourite yarn dyer is updating her stock tonight with some The Odyssey based colours. Two hours to go. I can’t wait. I have so much NEED.
(Reasonable postage to the states, btw – Countessablaze.com)
I am shopping for yarn from my work computer (shhhh!) as we speak! I really want to make something with one of those beautiful color gradient yarns but HOLY SHIT are they expensive.
In the last year or so I’ve really stepped up my handicrafts game and now I’ve crossed over into that territory where I can no longer feel good about working with the $3.50 ball of worsted weight from Jo-Ann’s. But holy mother of god yarn can be expensive.
Like, I’d love to make a jumper out of some of the lovelier yarns, but they’re so expensive and you get so little for what you pay and I’m fat, so for jumpers and stuff I usually need between 1000 and 2000 metres of yarn and when 100 metres costs £10…
Like, they’re GORGEOUS, but I’ll admit right now I use cheaper yarns for garment quantities and I just use the expensive stuff for accessories.
Though, I did luck out on getting some lovely stuff on ebay for super cheap, so lucky me is soon going to have a llama/merino vest and a cashmere shawlette.
This is a constant struggle in my knitting – on the one hand I want to make nice things, on the other hand I’m a poor grad student. My friend and I were recently shopping at a really nice yarn store and kept on finding beautiful yarn that was so nice and soft and lovely and then nearly passing out when we looked at the prices. It was probably our own fault for going to a place I know tends to be expensive, but she hadn’t been knitting in a while so we wanted to look at things in person to get a sense of what she really wanted.
I think that a good amount of them are worth it, especially since I like to buy from companies that treat the animals and employees reasonably, and I love indie dyers. I think people deserve fair wages! And I try to justify it wit the idea that for the money I’m getting many hours of entertainment AND calming of my anxiety AND a garment but…
over £100 for garment quantities makes me cry.
Read more at http://the-toast.net/2015/01/30/friday-open-threa…
…. I really do not need any more yarn until I finally knit something with the yarn I have, which given the children may not be until 2018 or so, but goodness.
I don’t even craft or knit or anything but GODDAMN THOSE YARNS ARE PRETTY. I could like, buy a skein (is that right?) and then just… place it in my room? To look at?
Yes, you can.
But I watn you, you start down that path, you’ll eventually have a stash. And then the crafting materials will arrive, without you even noticing. And one day, you’ll be relaxing on the sofa, when you suddenly realise ‘wait a minute… I’m knitting/crocheting/needlefelting/tatting/spinning/weaving’
You have been warned.
I bought three skeins in the end. Two or the peacocky colours – ‘The Haughty Suitors’ and ‘Destroyed by their own recklessness’. I also got a red/orange ‘A Soft Sleep Fell Over The Suitors’ to go with some red Hebridean Knight (A naturally black yarn overdyed red) for a shawl I want to make.
I can’t even look at yarn, I have so much already. I also have a whole bunch of fiber, because some time ago I bought myself a spinning wheel (like this one: http://www.paradisefibers.com/s10-louet-spinning-… but I bought mine used). I also have a list of things to knit from yarn I have…
I like buying very nice, very expensive sock yarn myself. It’s only one skein 😉 (even if it is $30 or more).
Hi Toasties! What do your morning routines look like? I’m … struggling, lately. I keep just Not Getting Ready To Leave in the morning, whether that means messing around online or spending too long in the shower or having some Me Time of sorts at times when I should be leaving for the office, and it’s going to be a problem.
I’m planning on chatting with my therapist about this at my appointment this afternoon, but want some inspiration from you folks!
It turns out that I actually have this down to the minute now, for which I am slightly embarrassed.
1. Alarm (7:00)
2. Poke MrChouffe and get out of bed
3. Robe
4. Adjust thermostat and start coffee (7:03)
5. Collect cat, take into bathroom for shower (I shower, not the cat, but he does like to be in the warm bathroom)
6. Dry self
7. Pour coffee (7:23)
8. Facebook
9. Stare at closet (7:45)
10. Fuck it, that’s clean (7:50)
11. Hair/teeth (7:55)
12. Purse, coat, boots, kiss, out the door (7:58-8:00)
I’ve had virtually the same morning routine since I was 14 years old. Things have been added over the years (caffeine, make up), but it’s the same basic structure because I am totally dependent on it to get me out the door. Here’s what I do:
6:30 alarm goes off. Turn on shower and pee while the water warms up
6:30-6:45: shower. wash hair. put in conditioner. wash face. wash body. rinse out conditioner. I take super long showers, mostly because of my long hair. So I plan for that, and I can speed things up if I’m in a rush
6:45-6:50: dry off, comb hair and either braid it or put it in a ponytail. Put pjs back on
6:50-7:00: boil water for tea, make breakfast (cereal or toast), make a sandwich for lunch. Maybe empty the dishwasher if it needs it and I have the bandwidth, or put any dirty dishes into the dishwasher
7:00-7:20: eat breakfast and drink tea while surfing the internet. This can stretch to 7:25, but I have to leave the computer when I finish my tea.
7:20-7:35 or 7:40: brush teeth, put on clothes and makeup. Grab purse and lunch and leave.
I can, when I need to, wake up at 6:00 and walk the dog when my husband needs to be in work early. Thankfully that doesn’t happen often, and when it does it leaves the rest of the routine intact.
Good luck finding your own routine. Mine is solid enough at this point that I’ll occasionally wake up halfway through washing my hair.
This is a lovely routine but I respectfully disagree that 15 minutes is a ‘super long shower’. What descriptors are left for those of us who would take 45 minute showers if not in the midst of a drought?
Then I guess I need a new hot water heater. I literally stay in the shower every day until it runs cold, which was my measure of “super long”
All right, there is absolutely no way I can argue with that.
We live in a ridiculous old house with a giant water heater; I suspect it is so large because (before our landlords bought it and remodelled it and rented it out to us) it was for a long time being rented out room by room to college students, and thus there were 8 or 10 people living here.
5:30 am – wake up, nurse baby, put baby back to bed
6:00 am – shower
6:10 am – clothes and hair and make up
6:30 (or 6:40 am) – breakfast and bag packing (lunches, pumping bag)
6:50 am – wake baby back up, dress her, take a million pictures
7:00 am – leave for work.
7:30 am – arrive at work, begin torturing students with essays, etc.
It didn’t used to be quite so structured, but now I work so stupidly early, plus baby, so it has to be.
I’m in the same boat — I keep just not getting going every morning, and I don’t have a solution.
I found that the only thing that really worked for me was having an office with a punch card. Being in an office that’s lax on time is just killer for my incentive to get moving.
I am also in this boat, despite having two small children to get ready in the mornings, one of whom must be at public school on time which is rather like a punch card. I have the best of intentions each night, but in the morning I just do not get up until the last possible second. I thought about promising myself some ‘me’ time but lying in the warm bed it is very unattractive to get up for any reason.
#1 thing that has helped me have a better routine is setting alarms for more than getting up purposes! I set alarms for when things need to be done by–I have to be in the shower by 7:15, I have to go dry my hair and then get dressed at 7:33, etc. That way, my me-time in the morning isn’t interrupted by constantly checking the clock to see if I need to start getting ready! I can just sit and drink coffee or watch Netflix, guilt-free (relatively guilt free 😀 ).
Oh seconded! And then my additional alarms have helpful tips depending on the day – i.e. my 7:30 alarm on Thursdays says “dry your hair – also pack yoga mat and pants in bag!” It’s the only way I’ll ever remember that kind of junk.
I have rearranged my whole morning to get lots of Me-time these days, and it’s really important to me because me-time when I’m tired after work just isn’t the same. Mine looks like:
7:00: Alarm, get up, make tea or get kombucha and read by the light of my SAD lamp
7:45 Make breakfast and coffee, consume. Also make lunch.
8:15ish-8:45 more reading or quiet guitar playing while finishing coffee
8:45- brush teeth and shower, put on clothes
9:30- leave for work
Some days I get up at 6am and move everything forward so I can do a half-hour workout video at 8:15. This routine obviously works more easily for me than for others because work doesn’t start till ten, and because I have no hair and makeup needs, but getting up way earlier than I have to leave is the key!
I’m the same way – it’s worth it to me to go to bed earlier so I can get me-time in the morning.
7:05: alarm, get up, drag self into kitchen to make breakfast
breakfast is almost always a ham egg & cheese sandwich on an English muffin and a massive cup of coffee, I can do this in my sleep by now
eat breakfast in front of the SAD lamp & read while finishing coffee
7:50 wash breakfast dishes, make lunch
8:00 check email, Tumblr, Toast (Link Roundup is usually up by now), write a little
8:15 put up hair (I can usually do this while reading The Toast)
8:30 shower & dress for work
8:50 out the door
Back when I lived in a place with public transit, I relied on that for a lot of my morning me-time, but out here in the suburbs it just isn’t the same.
I get up as close to the time I have to leave as I can. Zero messing around–I get up, wash my face and brush my teeth (I shower at night), put on clothes, throw my lunch into a bag, maybe some some tea or a smoothie, and leave the house.
Same here. I try to give myself an extra 5 minutes to put on a bit of makeup but I rarely have time for anything more than eyeliner and mascara.
Me too – when I am commuting to London, I am up at 4.35am, out of the house (including feeding the cats) by 4.45 and waiting for the coach at 5 (so I am far enough forward in the queue for a window seat so I can lean on the window and go back to sleep) – it leaves at 5.15.
On Saturdays when I’m teaching I am up at 6.20, out the door at 6.35 and at work for 7. If I have time I fritter it away, if I have none I just get on.
Same. I am ~20 minutes from up to out the door. Most of that is letting the dog out and back in, and waiting for the tea water to boil.
Oh girl this is my great challenge in life and has been ever since I was old enough to need to be places on time. I shower before bed and then just wet my hair in the sink to style it in the morning. I just do Carnation Instant Breakfast at home and then I have a bagel and coffee at my desk first thing as “real breakfast.”
I did the Carnation Instant Breakfast thing for a week until I realized I could accomplish the same goals (protein, vitamin D) with just milk. No mixing, no spilled powder to wipe up (I’m a klutz). I already have a lovely rounded shape and have no need of the extra calories that come with the sweetened powder. Or am I missing something? I’m sure it’s a good option for you, though. I trust your judgment.
I’m a vegetarian so I try to get in every extra gram of protein I can!
I’m finding my mornings better this week; largely because I got my Giant Sunlamp of Banishing Winter SAD out of the closet and am using it.
I’m working on sunlamp and reading or yoga for about 30 minutes and then shower/breakfast/parenting the teenager OMG.
i, much like these other toasties, have it down to almost the minute, which is helpful.
7:00 alarm
7-7:20 breakfast, checking my email, etc.
7:30-7:40 shower
7:40-7:55ish actually getting ready, hair, makeup, waffling about my outfit
7:55-8:05 depends on what the bus prediction says, but either i’m hustling out the door or i have a few more minutes to just sit around
if i stray from this, it gets totally off-the-rails and i spiral out and definitely get late. having a hard time stop (like, i definitely cannot sit online post-7:20 if i want to be on time) really helps.
Wow, thanks for all the responses! This is definitely helpful.
My struggle, btw, is that I’m up at 6am and have work to do right away: my org sends a daily email, and I write the news round-up portion of it, which has to be done in the morning. The email is done sometime between 8:15 and 8:30, and then I get ready to go. My office is pretty chill about what time I roll in, but that’s actually a problem: I want to be in the office around 10, and lately I’ve been closer to 10:30 and no one says anything.
So the problems are twofold: there’s getting going early enough that I’m not rushed on my early-morning work stuff, and there’s actually getting ready for work after I’ve finished the early work.
I’m a grad student, and I have the same problem where I know that literally no one cares when I get in. My PI wants work to get done, but he is not the type to keep track of when we show up and leave. This makes it very easy to laze around on mornings and get in later than I actually want to for no good reason other than I know it won’t be a problem.
Do you have morning meetings that you have to be physically present for? I’m wondering if the solution is not be at work earlier, but to work from home until lunchtime. It sounds like you’re worried about productivity and if you worked the morning at home maybe you’d eliminate that.
I have regular morning meetings at 10am on two days (today! I was 15 minutes late! My boss doesn’t seem to care and that’s weird?) and there’s a culture of working from the office most of the time. It’s kind of expected that working from home is (besides my early morning stuff) a rarity. Plus, my laptop sucks for most of the work I do, and at work I have a nice big iMac that is just more comfortable and better equipped for me to do my job.
Oh geez if I had to do work at 6am I would be so grumpy I wouldn’t be willing to go anywhere else till noon. Props to you!
I shower at night, so my morning routine is 30 minutes or less: get up-use bathroom, brush teeth, put on mascara (+5 to grownup-ness), put on clothes that I set out last night in the bathroom, transfer lunch (also prepared last night) from fridge to bag, drink coffee that Mr. Floridagal has made, make toast, eat toast, walk out door.
The #1 thing I’ve found that keeps me on time is not even opening my computer. Or at least, not until I’m completely ready. Otherwise it just sucks me in. It sounds like maybe that’s not an option for you, though.
6:00 alarm goes off, if my boyfriend has to open the store he gets up at this point
6:18 I get up.
6:20-6:30 breakfast (granola) with my boyfriend if he’s already up. If he didn’t have to open the store he’s usually still in bed so I bring the cat into the room and poke the cat at his face to get him up
6:30-6:50 shower, brush teeth
6:50-7:00 make-up, pet annoying cat, say goodbye to boyfriend
7:00-7:10 blow-dry hair
7:10-7:20 play with the cat
7:20-7:30 get dressed
7:30-7:50 put lunch in bag, make snacks, get together whatever else I need to bring for work, make coffee in travel mug
7:55 get coat and shoes on for carpool to leave at 8.
Yesss the computer required thing definitely makes it more difficult. I need to be better about just shutting the thing down as soon as I am done with work-stuff.
Has anyone tried a sunrise alarm clock?
I’m intrigued, but not ready to drop cash on an experiment.
Yes! I love it — it really helps — but I am also compensating for a husband who draws curtains to make everything pitch-black-dark which means I could sleep for hours and hours and hours and feel really gross if a) he didn’t open the curtains for me when he gets up and b) if I didn’t have the sunrise clock.
The sunrise clock wakes me up and it also gives me a lot more energy for getting out of bed (which used to be a big struggle and is no longer).
Based on a recommendation from a toast open thread a couple weeks ago I got the cheaper version of that one (Philips HF3500/60 Wake-Up Light) and I love it so far! After a few nights of getting used to it, I now wake up with stunning regularity at the same time every morning. It’s also helpful because now we can keep our curtains closed at night to block out the stupidly bright light that comes in the window at night. I do have to keep it on the nightstand right by my head though. I think at some point I will upgrade to the more expensive one because it’s frustrating that the cheaper one has no way to disable the sound alarm.
Wow, you guys! Those are looooong routines.
7:40am (if showering): up, into shower.
7:50am: normal up, stumble into bathroom, pee, put water on my hair, wash face.
8:00am: scrounge in closet, try on three things.
8:10am: moisturizer, mascara, brush my hair once or twice before putting in a bun.
8:15am: sometimes I remember to brush my teeth before I leave the house. (my commute is 8 minutes by bike or 12-20 by transit.)
I have been a fervent breakfast fan all my life, but I got this shitty 9-5 thing started six months ago, and it’s still so painful for me to wake up to an alarm after fewer than eight hours of sleep that I can’t even comprehend the idea of putting food in my stomach that early. I usually have two coffees at work before making a bowl of granola to eat at my desk.
I just take my smoothie to work with me. It’s either desk breakfast or wake up an extra half hour to an hour earlier. Therefore, smoothie.
Vegan baking Toasties, I have questions! I am not vegan, but I’ve started trying to modify recipes so vegans in my life can eat what I bake. I’ve veganized my favorite pumpkin bread recipe twice with different combinations of egg replacement (baking powder/flax/extra puree), and both times, while it was still delicious, the center didn’t fully rise and stayed pretty dense and very moist. What do you usually do to replace eggs for quickbreads and things like chocolate-chip cookies? Should I just have adjusted the baking temperature to get it to rise more and then cook through?
Also, if anyone has vegan baking blogs/recipes to recommend, I would love to hear them! It seems like most of the ones I’ve found are aimed towards people who are trying to healthen everything up and/or replacing a lot of other ingredients, too, like wheat flour and sugar.
Apple sauce replaces eggs really well, a couple of tablespoons per eggs. I also substitute olive oil for butter (there’s a converter if you search for “olive oil butter” in Google) in pretty much every recipe I make except for pie crust, and it works amazingly well.
The only category of vegan baked good that has been consistently good in my kitchen is cobbler. The only replacement necessary is Earth Balance for butter–everything else is vegan on its own.
I always just use Ener-G Egg Replacer, earth balance, and whichever milk. My husband is also allergic to wheat, so we use Arrowhead Mills All Purpose GF Mix.
I just substitute 1:1 for all conventional ingredients and it seems to work fine!
The vegan baking recipes I swear by are Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s at The Post Punk Kitchen (http://www.theppk.com). That web site is amazing in general for the great community in the forum and the wealth of recipes that have almost never failed me. Her cookbooks are also aces!
Seconding Isa Moskowitz. She has a bunch of dessert cookbooks – I use her cupcake cookbook for almost all the cakes that I make, and the cookie cookbook is super as well.
My Sweet Vegan is a good cookbook too (by Hannah Kaminsky of bittersweetblog.com ) but I find that she uses more specialty ingredients like vegan sour cream/ cream cheese that may be hard to find or not desirable for other reasons. Good for special occasions though.
Flax and/or soy yogurt are my go to egg replacers.
SHE IS AMAZING. Her chocolate cupcakes would totally pass for regular chocolate cake.
When I do vegan baking, honestly I generally go for recipes that don’t require eggs anyway, because I don’t truly believe they’re replaceable, and then I think about what will work with coconut oil instead of butter. You can make a very nice tart dough with coconut oil or even olive oil, for example.
I made this cake recently- it’s pretty good, and it’s almost no work- 95% sure it’s vegan if you avoid the milk variant- plus with the vegetable oil it stays super moist (warning- I am not vegan, so I am oblivious to any potential hidden animal products issues): http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/king-arthu…
If you’re converting conventional recipes, I would definitely try Ener-G egg replacer- it’s more of a neutral flavor than flax seed and binds like a mofo. Earth Balance is great for most things buttery (they also make sticks of non-dairy shortening if you’re making a lot of pastries) but cutting in some coconut oil is great for making an extra-flaky crust! For cake batters and things that call for buttermilk, you can make a great substitute by just stirring a tbsp of lemon juice or white/AC vinegar into a cup of non-dairy milk (I have good results with almond) and letting it hang out and curdle for a few minutes before adding it. If something’s very eggy or cheesy, you have to get a little more creative, but those subs should work for 90% of the cookies, cakes, quickbreads, and members of the pie family (?) you’d want to make!
Blogs- Fourthed that Isa Chandra is the queen of vegan desserts and her vegan challah bread is pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Also recommend The Minimalist Baker for ridiculously easy and tasty vegan baked goods (try the biscuits), and Oh Ladycakes for just… DECADENCE. Oh She Glows is also lovely- definitely more crunchy granola, but like really good double chocolate peanut butter crunchy granola. Mmmmm.
My favourite chocolate cake is vegan! Chocolate Amazon Cake (http://food52.com/blog/8614-margaret-fox-s-amazon-chocolate-cake) – ignore the weird picture in the link that looks like an egg but is actually NOT. I’m really partial to banana in my chocolate chip cookies as I like a really cakey cookie and just kind of go with the banana flavour. It’s like coconut oil, people say you don’t taste it, but unless you’re going to mask it with a ton of spices, you do.
My friends, there is but one thing that you are truly meant to Google, and that is baby miniature animals.
Which led to this (and sooooo many questions): http://www.wearinteractive.com/wp-content/uploads…
(This is SFW, unless your boss is a raging Marxist or something I guess.)
Did you know that miniature horses can be used as assistance animals for people with visual impairments?
BEHOLD:
AND YOU CAN GET THEM TINY HORSE SNEAKERS SO THEIR HOOFS DON’T MESS UP YOUR FLOORING AND FURNITURE.
YES AND THEY ARE THE BEST THING EVER
I told some people about it at work a month ago and I blew their minds in front of their faces. They didn’t believe that minature horses existed until I showed them extensive pictures. I had to show them multiple pictures and multiple websites to prove that I wasn’t just taken in by an elaborate, photoshopped hoax.
really?!? that is so excellent, that they didn’t know about minis.
Are they house-trained? That is, do they signal a need to be let outside before they poop on the floor?
GODDAMN
BOING
Some people may not realize that cows come in miniature, but they do and they are adorable!
This one is apparently named “Jewells Princess Jasmine” as she should be
mind is being blown right now. WHAT.
This one has a bird friend passenger!!
I’m a POSI! (Actually, that happened last week, but I wasn’t around for the open thread.) I also got kicked out of the University. Currently, I have just gone directly from being in prison to being insane. Does anyone know of a really good source for Whispered Secrets, for someone with stats all between 100 and 120? I’m trying to get my Archeologist quality up by doing expeditions in the Forgotten quarter, and I’m running out of secrets to buy supplies.
ETA: This was supposed to go in the Fallen London Thread.
I was both confused and impressed by the standalone version of this comment.
ME TOO.
+1
Ha. The first couple of sentences of this before I got to the obviously Fallen Londony bits made me go “OH MY GOD THIS POOR PERSON HOW CAN WE HELP HER!”
I know! It sounded like a horrible week for her.
Ha! No, it has been a bad week in other ways, but I haven’t gotten kicked out of my PhD program just yet, and I’m neither in prison nor insane.
I was so concerned until I got to the last bit!
literally crying with laughter right now
I keep coming back and reading it and I cannot stop laughing.
Do you have access to the Labyrinth of Tigers? You can barter for secrets with the Tiger Keeper: in exchange for 1000 amber, jade or rostygold, he’ll give you 1100 whispered secrets.
This is my favorite comment of the entire week.
DAAAAAMN this is amazing, my eyeballs only got bigger reading it.
Ahahaha why does this always happen to Fallen London posts. Awesome.
Usually I can identify the Fallen London comments right away, but it took me until the fourth sentence to realise you were not just having a very strange & difficult week. 🙂
The Seeking Curios storylet in the Forgotten Quarter is actually a fine place to grind whispered secrets if you’re ok with some nightmares, since you’re eventually going to need to grind for one or more skulls there anyway… if you don’t know what I’m talking about, ignore this, skull what skull?
Failing that, the Tiger Keeper if you know him is a reasonable source.
It should be noted that the PROS grind Docks connections to turn into supplies instead of using secrets, supposedly it’s the most efficient way to get them, but I do it the whispered secrets way since I always seem to have too many lying around.
I’m looking for skulls, too, so that sounds like a good option. I haven’t opened up the Labyrinth of Tigers yet because I don’t feel like grinding for that many rats.
It can be tricky to get your Docks connections back up though – I end up having to wait for the card to come up in my deck.
The people who do it this way buy the tankard or whatever–the item that lets you spend resources directly on Docks connections. Supposedly it’s still the most efficient when done this way, but I’m too cheap/lazy.
Who’s going shopping this weekend? I know that I am DEFINITELY going to go down to Lush and pick up some face soap (this stuff) because I ran out before Christmas and have been using that orange Neutrogena stuff to tide me over and it’s… not been preventing breakouts! I also might stop by a cute, claustrophobic little gift shop on Walnut street and pick up a tarot deck that’s a little more related to the standard Rider-Waite meanings than the Chrysalis Tarot I tried to start with. And maybe some incense, if they sell it there? I’ve never bought incense, and I forget if they sell it there.
I am! It’s been a crap week and I need some retail therapy. I tend to swing wildly between “Need to save as much money as possible for retirement or in case I get sick and can’t work anymore!” and “YOLO, I’m gonna buy ALL the makeup!” Except this time I am going to buy myself a nice watch.
I really want to buy the full-sized Hannibal eyeshadow collection because I have the sample set and the colours are great. But I also have plenty of the samples left so I can’t justify it right now.
Oh man, let me know if you want tarot deck recommendations. I have been doing tarot for like 14 years which means I have tried a lot of decks (It’s really hard NOT to accumulate them, even if I give some away!)
Reading this comment gave me a weird amount of peace and made me want to browse a lipstick aisle. I forget about shopping but it is fun!
Which are your favorites? I want one but I have no idea where to begin other than “that looks pretty!”
I’ll take some recommendations! Tho’ cute claustrophobic gift shop doesn’t have a huge selection and I’m likely to be buying one of the ones they’ve got in stock, but it’s good to think about the future. I feel like I’ve already started a collection by accident (OOPS) because I bought Chrysalis to tide me over until the Prisma Visions deck I backed through Kickstarter arrives…
My main requirements at this moment are (a) symbolism that’s easy to grasp on the surface, at least–I get that some decks have many layers but I’d like to be able to wrap my head around the first layer; (b) practicality, sort of? Or flexibility? I swear to god Chrysalis only wants to talk to me about my faith and spirituality, even that is not what I’m asking it; (c) Close relation to Rider-Waite–I am just learning, I want to start with the basics; (d) prettiness; (e) bonus points for diversity in the people represented because that tends to be kind of lacking…
I would love some recommendations for decks!
I should not go shopping this weekend. Well, maybe for some food. I have already spent a lot of money for an upcoming trip. :-/ And car insurance will be coming up soon. Gah, I hate money.
Just submitted a mind-numbingly extensive application for a major fellowship! I had to lay my soul bare and detail my life story and Vision for the Future of North American Jewry. I had to make a video. I had to make up my own “creative” question and answer it, which I left to the last minute and it was 2 am and I ended up writing a poem. A goddamn poem you guys. I don’t even care if I get it, I just can’t believe I actually finished it.
Ughhh, congratulations.
“Vision for the Future of North American Jewry”
just reading that made me feel exhausted. It reminds me of being the only Jewish kid in the vicinity and having to answer questions about “my people.” But something tells me this application was quite a bit more voluntary. So for that, congratulations!
*slow clap*
If you were in Toronto Pearson airport yesterday and were elbowed aside by a hustling, panting, cursing lady, I apologise profoundly. Air Canada seems to think that an hour is plenty of time to connect from an international to a domestic flight, which is some bullshit right there.
Oh, I’m so sorry! That would not have been fun.
Typical of Air Canada. An hour is not nearly enough time to clear customs and make it to the domestic flights.
Thanks! I did make the flight in the end, but it was only because the Transport Canada guys let me cut some of the domestic security line. Having to go back through security makes no sense at all – just keep us sequestered!
I know! What do they think you’ll have done in the time between boarding flight #1 and boarding flight #2?
Did you have to get your luggage and re-check it? I hate it when I have to do that on a tight transfer.
Did anyone else see the io9 thread asking “What Book Simply has To Be Read In One Sitting?” I kept wishing The Toast had asked it, because I don’t care as much about io9 thread recommendations.
So I’m asking: What book simply has to be read in one sitting?
For me, my first thought is Patrick Lee’s “The Breach”.
I was also glued to Claire North’s “Touch” and may have put myself in danger crossing the street while reading it intently.
I personally enjoy reading small books like stuff Joseph Delaney writes in one setting.
The Martian, by Andy Weir, which I realize is totally an io9-type rec, but it is AMAZING and neither MrChouffe nor I could put it down.
The Secret Life of Wonder Woman. Tore through it in three hours, could not stop reading.
oh man, yeah. I didn’t TOTALLY LOVE The Martian, but I couldn’t do anything else while it was unfinished. I gotta give the author a ton of credit for suspense. It probably helped that it was totally unpredictable because I have no basis for what might be predictable in that scenario!
Right! And I LOVED the style it was written in, even if half of Goodreads seemed to think it was childish. Whatever, Goodreads, the character wasn’t a writer, it’s not SUPPOSED to sound polished.
I imagined him dictating the log entries, even though the text specifically mentioned typing a few times. It definitely felt like a monologue/note-to-self style that worked perfectly for the story. And, I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever read a journal-style book that read like I imagine an actual journal would, just gotta suspend that particular disbelief.
I missed my stop on the tube three times the first time I read Nights At the Circus by Angela Carter.
Oh that looks really good — just added it to my list!
Recently for me it was “The Headhunters” by Jo Nesbo. It is so good!!!! i guess one would call it a thriller, though that term makes me think of crappy airport novels so I shy away from it. The movie is perfectly fine in its own right, but strips away some of the best plot twists, so definitely read the book instead.
I really wish I could have read Emily St. John Mandel’s “Station Eleven” in one sitting, but I was forced to break it into 3 sittings, and thought about it constantly in between.
Ready Player One It has some serious pacing issues that you don’t notice if you just mainline it. I mostly enjoyed it while I was reading it, but after I finished it, the more I thought about it, the more problems I had with it.
Actually, I tend to not recommend the books that I finish in one sitting. I inevitably like them less on reflection. Give me a book that makes me slow down and spend some time in the world. Something dense and complex that I have to keep putting down to think about or flipping back to re-read earlier passages. Those are the ones that tend to stick with me in a good way (See: Dune, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel, and The Lies of Locke Lamora)
I thin I’d have died of starvation if I’d finished Locke Lamora or Jonathan Strange in one go! I tend to gobble books the first time (unless they are massive tomes) because I need to find out what happens, and then the next time I read them I take my time.
Well there is that problem. But with all three of those books, I found myself artificially stretching out the experience. I’d pick up a different, shorter book to read for a couple of days and then come back to the first one. I just didn’t want them to end, and I found that I needed to digest things before moving on anyway
Someone (must be Toast) got me onto the I Don’t Even Own A Television podcast (http://idontevenownatelevision.com/). They do an episode on Ready Player One that is really funny and just takes it apart. I really loved it though, but I read it in about three hours and definitely skipped entire paragraphs that started to annoy me.
All of the books in Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan novels trilogy (well, thus far a trilogy). One reviewer said she read all three novels in one weekend.
Margaret Atwood’s The Blind Assassin. I skipped seeing shows at Bonnaroo to read that book.
Annie Ernaux’s books, especially Simple Passion and The Possession.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Every few years, I clear a day (usually in the summer, since that’s when it first came out) and just start in the morning and read until I’m done. And probably cry a little.
I love how I’ve read this book three times and it’s still suspenseful. It feels like all those characters I love will be in danger until I finish it.
I know! I usually have to put it down and walk around the room at some point during the Battle of Hogworts to calm myself down, but I couldn’t just LEAVE THEM THERE for any sort of lengthy period of time.
And then I want to go back to Sorceror’s Stone and start over where things are WAY LESS DARK.
I think I mentioned this in a previous Open Thread, but I recently finished Everything I Never Told You in one sitting. Then I had an emotional hangover.
Out by Natsuo Kirino. Read it in one sitting, twice, separated by about 4 years. It is thrilling and was my introduction to lethal sisterhoods.
The Secret History, Donna Tartt.
Nothing that happens in that book is that scary, it’s just that she gives you this distinct sense that something terrible is just about to happen for the ENTIRE book, and so you have to keep reading or else you’ll go to bed thinking that the something terrible is poised to get you.
I had that feeling about Wolf Hall! The entire book felt like something intensely world-shattering was about to happen and it never did. And I knew it wasn’t going to, because I know my Tudor history reasonably well, but I was still totally drawn in to OMG WHAT IS GOIGN TO HAPPEN NOW.
Emily St. John Mandel’s Station Eleven
Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar
One that did it for me recently, and was very-not-io9-y, is After I Do: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18775359-after…
I was pretty meh on that plot summary when I came across it, but the super good reviews and the long line of library holds won me over. Unputdownable because it’s like a romance, but you *actually* don’t know whether the couple will end up together.
Looking back at my recently read list, it looks like a lot of my recent favorites were longer get-up-and-come-back-to-it stories. Maybe a conversation for next week…
If I could have, I would have read The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes in one sitting. Also, you don’t have to read them in one sitting, but I find reading anything by Rainbow Rowell so enjoyable and heartwarming that it’s very hard for me to put it down.
I dunno whether it strictly HAS to be read in one sitting, but I was unable to eject from “The Night Circus” by Erin Morgenstern the other night. Finally wound it up at around 2 AM, on a worknight. This had consequences come morning, let me tell you.
This is a really random one, but I twice – TWICE – spent a day of high school really exhausted because I picked up the Autobiography of Malcolm X and could not stop reading it and stayed up all night even though I had to get up at six the next morning. I have never understood this because usually I am a Victorian novels and thirties mysteries person, but it happened twice so I can’t dismiss it as a fluke.
I wonder what happened with the comic “Hyperbole and a Half.” Allie Brosh wrote some deadly sharp entries on battling depression. A book was published. The comic last updated in October 2013. I guess it’s none of my business as random internet audience meat, but I hope things are going relatively well for her.
I think I read an interview with her where she said she’s working on another book, so yay!
I remember she did an AMA at reddit around the time the book published where she seemed to be doing better health-wise. She’s said a few times that she’s not really into having a big social media type presence. Hopefully she is just working away happily on new stuff, abetted by the simple dog and the helper dog, and we’ll hear from her again when she has a new book out or something?
Every now and then I think and worry about Allie Brosh as well! But she was recently on a podcast and they had a good long talk. A lot has been up with her. She lost her sister to suicide recently. But she is reasonably OK.
http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_55…
Highly recommended podcast episode. The Allie Brosh stuff starts about 23 minutes in.
Oh geez, that’s awful about her sister. 🙁 I’m glad she’s mostly doing ok otherwise, she seems like a really lovely person and I absolutely love her blog and book.
Seconding that episode. Marc Maron can get a little on my nerves as an interviewer, but he does get people to really open up a lot of the time.
I just saw a Hyperbole & a Half 2015 calendar in B&N, so I presume the marketing has ben successful.
I bought that! Great addition to my kitchen. Lots of dog drawings.
Good question, I have been wondering about her recently!
It was here that someone recommended the book “Misreading Scripture With Western Eyes”. I finished that last Sunday and it was GREAT so thank you, Toasty recommender (sorry I don’t remember your name but do pipe up)
It looks interesting! What did you really like about it?
I liked how much it made me think about my own assumptions, not only around scripture but around what is and is not a “good” in the world – it really reoriented for me how challenging scripture actually is, even as we think that our morality is based on or around it. There were also some interesting “DID U KNOW” parts of it – e.g. in Indonesia (where one of the authors spent a lot of time) the main sin of Sodom and Gomorrah is considered to be a lack of hospitality. Which is, in general, not something that gets a lot of chat around it in the west, unless you are reading “The Divine Comedy”. And there’s an explanation of what’s going on in the David and Uriah story in the context of an honor/shame society, which I found useful as I never really got a handle on that one.
Sorry this comment is so late, I was pulled into a series of escalatingly intense meetings and then did not use my computer over the weekend!
Main areas of challenge were around being an individual vs being a part of a (church) community, by the way. Also some really excellent stuff on how in the West we tend to think in rules whereas in other cultures, including those in which the Bible was written, the fundamental unit of society was relationships.
I’m currently working on a creative community website. It’s going to have the usual features like blogging and media sharing but I also want it to have a more inclusive atmosphere. Most of the places I go to for stuff like game making and nerd things are dominated by the saddest and plainest of dudes. I’d like to see what a creative space that openly includes Women, Trans, and other non-binary people looks like. I want to encourage that kind of atmosphere. And since I’m always banned for encouraging it everywhere else, I’m just going to make my own. Hopefully I don’t lose sight of my goal. I would hate to have things go south as we get started so I’ve make sure that everyone working on the project is a cool person. One of my goals is for the moderation of the community to more readily be able to deal with preventing and managing abuse and harassment between members. In an ideal scenario it doesn’t occur at all but I’m going to try and be prepared.
Also, I forgot to eat properly today and now it’s too late because my husband will be home with my PMS snacks in about 45 minutes.
Have you trained him to provide PMS snacks on a monthly basis? If so, amazing.
I message him during the day and say ‘my boobs hurt…’ and he brings home salt and vinegar crisps and makes steak for dinner.
Not gonna lie, it’s pretty great.
It was a previous girlfriend who trained him, but I’m perfectly willing to take advantage of her hard work.
MrChouffe figured out my cycle about four months in. It was honestly a little unsettling, given that a) I was 29 and hadn’t yet figured it out myself, and b) I’d gotten a Mirena a year before we met and haven’t had an actual period since, though the hormones still cycle as per usual. Third week of the month? Sure as hell, I’ll be puffy and cranky and liable to burst into tears at any time.
He cites having been married to two incredibly hormonal women for a total of twelve years prior to meeting me as being responsible for this talent. I say he’s a witch.
Hi The Toast! I feel like I’ve barely been online the last few weeks because of our new puppy. Things are going… mostly well. He is very cute and snuggly, and slowly getting better about using his mouth for everything.
We did the ASPCA weekend crate training last weekend (thanks to whoever it was on here who linked me to that) and he was a champion at it, partly because he was already a little bit familiar with his crate. But then during the week he totally reverted – he figured out that being shown a Kong stuffed with delicious snax meant that he was about to be duped into going into the crate and left alone for a few hours (I am a PhD student, I kind of have to go to class), and stopped responding to treats. I’ve gotten him into the crate a couple times since, but mostly with a lot of coaxing and then shoving his back legs in when he pokes his head in to sniff around. I am worried I’m ruining the crate for him forever and making it a terrible experience, but really, I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS.
I keep reading these dog forums that are like “welp, if he doesn’t like being confined, you can’t confine him, sorry, he gets free reign of your house!” which WHAT NO. I mean first of all that’s not safe, he’s a little puppy and he can do things like chew electrical cords.
Anyway, anyone have dog advice?
Yay for a new puppy!!!
Yeah, adult dogs can learn how to behave themselves home alone, but puppies really need to be kept in crates … we stopped using our crate when our dog was around a year old — he never really enjoyed being in there, but it was totally necessary to keep him safe (and our things safe) when he was learning what he could and could not chew.
While he was in the crate, we found that the following things made him like it a little more: covering it with a blanket, and having him sleep in it at night next to us.
Essentially, he doesn
Thank you! It makes me feel better just to hear that it’s possible to use a crate for a dog who doesn’t really exactly enjoy it.
Just remember that it doesn’t have to be a forever thing — your dog training can adjust as he gets older and you’re past the intense puppy stage.
Although, if you do stop crate training, there’s no going back. If you stick my dog in a crate now, he will bark incessantly until he’s let out. I’m very happy he’s past the wanton destruction stage.
Just keep trucking with what you’re doing – it really is a long game. Have you given him the delicious kong snax when you’re going to be around the house, too? So that crate doesn’t automatically equal “I’m going to be left alone.” Leave the door open & reward him if he sniffs around it, and reward him doubly if he goes in on his own. Also remember the extinction burst! Puppies are just hard work, and I cried probably for 2 months after we got our guy (who we were told was a 50 lb adult and is now 75 lbs, 4 years later.) He still has his issues, but is for the most part a dreamy gentleman beast who high fives and cuddles constantly and is sweet with children.
And puppies should never have free reign of the house because they WILL kill themselves. Dear lord.
Yeah, he was getting Kongs on the weekend during crate training, but then we haven’t given him too many over the course of the week while we’ve been home. We should probably do that more.
Also thank you, I have gotten a little shade from friends about my “post-partum puppy depression” (their words). It is SO HARD and sometimes not fun at all and you kind of want to give the little guy back! I feel like people don’t really talk about that.
We have two dogs, one we got at a year old as a rescue, one as a puppy. Puppies are a lot of work (though they both had and still have their issues). Our corgi would not get the whole “go to the bathroom OUTSIDE” things down until about a year old! And she still has accidents inside all the time (she is a filthy dog who just does not give a damn ha).
So keep on working at it, it’ll get easier 🙂
Oh man, it is so definitively not fun sometimes! Our guy had NO bite inhibition and so we just had a lot of minor injuries and torn clothes for a while. I mean, seriously, imagine a toddler who is extremely mobile, has razor sharp teeth, an innate desire to herd and zero impulse control – who would want to live with that?! Thank god they grow out of it (and they do.)
I can talk about naughty dogs forever so if you ever need some “why is my puppy trying to destroy my life” commiseration, say the word. 🙂
I agree! The shelters are filled with 8 month old puppies of people who just gave up– it really should be more acceptable to talk about how hard puppies are, and the first few months are brutal.
Keep on training, keep on doing what you’re doing, and you’ll end up with a reasonable, good, adorable dog in the end (he will probably have one or two annoying tendencies because, in my experience, most dogs have one or two vices that no amount of training will stop them from doing).
I actually COULD NOT watch past the first five-ten minutes of Marley and Me because of people dumb enough to leave a puppy in an open cardboard box all day.
Are you feeding him all his meals in the crate (even if you leave it open)? I find that helped a lot to crate train our dogs. Any way that you can make it feel like it is their space.
Yup, meals in crate.
I think what others have said, just keep at it, it’s a long game. Plus al ittle bit of luck (some dogs like crates some hate them).
The only other thing I could think of would be to work training around the crate to (“go to bed” command or similar) and try to make it a game for him. Otherwise, he’ll probably settle into it with some time, once he realises that this is just the way things work.
I love talking about puppies! If he’s not sleeping in his crate I would recommend it. I can understand if you enjoy having him sleep in bed ( we have a huge goofy lab pup, who does not fit in our bed), but I think it is really helpful because then he spends time in the crate every day, while you’re around, and it makes it easier when you’re gone.
What also helped me was something I read in a Cesar Milan book (which I otherwise kind of hated, tbh) which said that leaving your dog alone is one of the only things you have to teach them that totally goes against their instincts. They are pack animals and they freak out when they’re alone because they’re afraid the pack left them and will never come back unless they make themselves VERY LOUD. So training them to be alone will be one of the hardest things you will have to teach them. That helped me calm down a little about how hard it was.
And I agree with amanita, puppies are so hard! I cried a lot when our guy was little and may have had a couple of panic attacks. But even now at 8 months, he is so much easier to deal with, and I’m much more relaxed about my own behavior with him.
Yeah we ended up have to crate our lab/pit mix for bed for a while, since when he slept in our bed, he’d end up shoving my wife out of bed (and ending up sleeping lengthwise on the pillows like a human, with me cuddling him :P). Needless to say, my wife was not happy with this arrangement.
Ha! Yeah, I can imagine being pretty grumpy in that scenario.
Our pup no longer sleeps in his crate, he has a bed by our bed. But yeah, he weighs more than half what I weigh and he’s almost as long as both my partner and I, so it would be like adding a third similar sized person to our bed. Even when he was smaller I knew it wouldn’t be reasonable long term, so I didn’t want to get him used to the bed.
The real test will be our first camping trips this summer, to see how sleeping in a tent goes…
I used to have a dog who could not be crated humanely. He was an adult and had been so badly abused *while in a crate*, that crates were intolerable. He would just about lose his mind if we put him in one. But he did fine when we made him comfortable in a powder room when we had to leave him alone in the house. Tile floor in case of accidents or protest puddles. Favorite toys. Old blankets for cushioning. Tee shirts Mr. Rose and I had worn to bed a few nights in a row so he would have our scent for comfort. So the powder room was just an oversized crate. But the old dog didn’t know that and it worked.
The powder room was better than giving him run of the house. Most dogs feel the need to patrol all the territory they have access to, especially breeds intended as guard dogs. So a whole house keeps a small dog on the move, constantly making the rounds. Our old guy would become exhausted and anxious with the whole house to patrol.
Good work on crate training a puppy. Ye gods, that’s so much work. But you’re an excellent dog guardian. Rub behind those soft doggy ears for me.
Oh goodness, that poor boy- so glad he ended up in your care.
I don’t know about your climate, but I’m lucky enough to live in a place where most of the year my car is a perfectly safe/comfortable dog habitat. Other than being completely covered in fur and tracked-in dirt (and the loss of three seatbelts during a phase) it’s been great- they come to work with me, get out every hour or two to play, get a long walk/run at lunch, etc.
But today it is negative 40 degrees and they are home and I am having separation anxiety.
It snowed 28 inches. Now we’re getting another 8 to 10. And I’m too sick to shovel. In short, woe is me. Me is woe.
Craft time.. Based on toast feedback I used the gnome buttons. They do make it a little less ugly (the warmth is unaffected)
Now I’m working on a double knit cowl with an octopus (kraken cowl on ravelery). Double knitting is easier then I had thought,but soooo slloww.
You in Boston? We could hang out but oh yeah, the snow. Fuck.
I picked my knitting back up after a… year hiatus? I had to rip a ~10 inch lace scarf (Emma Scarf on Ravelry) back to the beginning because I lost a stitch somewhere and couldn’t figure it out, so I have restarted and am almost back to where I was, but this time have put in a brake line every 20 rows or so to prevent that from happening again.
I also am going to try and knit a cardigan (Abalone on Ravelry) based on the yarn weight I have rather than the requested one in the pattern, but I have gauged it out and the pattern itself is presented in percentages rather than absolute number of stitches, so I feel like it might work? Also, I am a very tight knitter. I did spend some time learning how to make backwards loop increases not look like garbage in preparation for it.
Ooh double knitting, I need to learn how to do that for these Harry Potter bookmarks I’ve been planning on making forever. Glad to know it’s going well for you! Before the HP project, I’m figuring out how to do fair isle knitting. My friend and I are taking a class together in February, and I just got the recommended yarn in the mail yesterday! Pretty excited.
Superb gnome-cowl. Love it, you look great & warm & toastie
Guys, my relationship ended last week. It’s for the best but it’s still sad.
Ooof, ow. Let the sadness happen and be as kind to yourself during its stay as you can. There’s no way to skip relationship-grieving, unfortunately. *hugs*
The end of things is always sad, but I hope you can revel in it a bit. It being… melancholy, singleness, the thrill of new beginnings. Remember that you are wonderful and will find better things and your life will continue to improve from here on out.
Oof, congratulations and my condolences. Treat yourself to the finest pulpy books/movies/etc, and some sunshine if that is a thing where you live?
Me too. hugs. Here for you if you need it.
::hugs::
Yesterday, I went in for a second interview for a job AND I GOT IT.
It fits into my grad school schedule, it’s a consistent/dependable amount of hours per week, it’s relevant to stuff I might need to know how to do in future jobs, AND it pays literally twice as much as the last part-time job I had. For the past few months, I’d been sliding from “oh man I really do not have a lot of extra money” to “actually panicking because I don’t know if I can pay off my credit card bill,” so this is a BIG DEAL for me.
Also, boyfriend is away for the weekend so the cats and I have the apartment to ourselves. I am planning to finally finish watching Legend of Korra and I am excited about it.
Toasties in management or similar: how do you deal with someone who cannot take the least bit of (constructive, i swear) criticism without bristling and constantly deflects problems (that are unquestionably his) onto other people? Getting really frustrated and unsure how to proceed, especially since I am his supervisor but am 15 years younger, which I think does not help at all.
The Billfold had an article sorta related to this topic this week, at least on the older people you supervise aspect. http://thebillfold.com/2015/01/ask-the-grindstone…
Thanks, definitely useful but I am more looking for the after suggesting improvements phase–how to basically cut the bullshit of “oh it was that person, oh that wasn’t me” etc etc. It’s really hard to move forward when someone flatly denies they’re making mistakes!
I seem to remember reading an Ask A Manager question about this recently, I’m going to do a search and see if I can find it. But her site in general has really good advice on managing people.
Perhaps instead of trying to get him to fess up, focus on what to do differently in the future? Maybe try something like “I’m not interested in playing a blame game, I just need to make sure that X doesn’t happen again. Let’s think of some strategies going forward that will work better.”
I have a really, REALLY hard time with criticism of any form, no matter how kind, because I am a perfectionist; I feel like a failure, or that I’ve let the criticizer down; and because words of praise are how I feel most loved and appreciated.
I don’t know if this employee also has those things going on, but it helps when a boss praises me for something (no matter how small), and then moves into a criticism after. It makes it sting less. Maybe acknowledging that it’s hard to be criticized while expressing that you’re glad to have his contributions on your team?
(Also, do you ask “why” something happened or wasn’t done a certain way? It’s a fairly common question, but it is *asking* for a defense. My boss does this to me, instead of simply saying, “Hey, I noticed that ______ wasn’t done this way. Please do it this way next time. Thanks.” It’s frustrating to both parties, because my employer is asking me to defend my actions, and then gets annoyed when I do defend them, because they’re not actually looking for an explanation, in spite of the language they are using. “Why” is really common, but if you’re not looking for an actual explanation, it’s not useful.)
The more trust I have in a relationship, the easier the criticism becomes. I know it’s hard on your end, and it sucks. Find out what he’s afraid of–that usually helps get around the blame game. Good luck–managing people is difficult, and it’s really awesome that you’re looking for ways to help this guy instead of just getting rid of him.
I really appreciate this, I definitely am more like you when it comes to criticism; my reaction is to shut down and beat myself up about it later. My read on this guy is a) his masculinity is a bit hurt and b) he’s a rather coddled individual outside of work and has probably not been criticized much at all. He is certainly not a perfectionist! I do try following your template above but again, his reaction is deflect blame anywhere but himself, no matter how impossible it is that it was anyone’s fault but his. Sometimes I don’t even get to finish what I was pointing out before he’s jumped to someone/something else.
Agh this makes it sound like I’m always on his case, I’m really not, just trying to find out how to deal with his patterns in future.
You describe an immature person. While you cannot make him grow the fuck up, you can hold him accountable. The age gap, if it is a problem, is his problem. Only his.
Ask questions. Prepared questions. Requiring him to respond keeps the responsibility on his shoulders.
Decide the single most important behavioral change you want from him. Design a question that should elicit his description of your expectation. (The next time X, Employee is expected to Y.) Repeat that question as often as necessary. Particularly when he derails into blame shifting or subject changing.
Good luck with your man-child employee. I have confidence in you.
Thank you, I was hoping you’d have some advice for me! I always appreciate your words.
What would happen if you were super straightforward about the issue? “I’ve noticed that when I give constructive criticism, you tend to take it poorly” or something similar? I always feel like those conversations are a little awkward to bring up, but that’s just part of the job of being a manager. Sometimes I’ll even say, “I feel uncomfortable bringing this up, but I think it’s a conversation we need to have” – my tactic is basically to just say everything I’m thinking, except calmly and often rehearsed ahead of time.
I also find it sooo much easier to have these conversations as a part of a regularly scheduled 1-on-1 meeting, where both of you are sort of prepared for things to come up, rather than randomly at his desk or as part of a specially scheduled “hey can we talk for a sec” meeting.
I successfully salvaged a Zee-Clipper with the help of 12 dancing princesses (by which I mean princess-thugs) and also visited the Cave of the Nadir for the first time. Came out with….a recipe for Zzoup? It was a little anti-climactic but I’m just pleased to have gotten rid of all those eyeless skulls.
Also, you know you’re addicted to Fallen London when your pre-travel to-do list includes “Abandon Knife & Candle Form”.
(this is for the FL thread, obv)
I’m also confused by the Cave of the Nadir. It did turn my frock purple and give it a +1 shadowy boost, which is nice, but I’m not sure what the point of it all is.
So I was having the weirdest problem in the world: TOO MANY SLEATER-KINNEY TICKETS?? None of my friends were interested? BUT just this morning my cool neighbor said he would go and because we live across the street we can split the cab back! Yay!
The Berenstain Bears and Too Many Sleater-Kinney Tickets: By far the most upsetting book in that series. P.S. Please scream extra loud for me.
I’m going to put my face up against the screen and yell really loud so the sound can travel through the tubes. Listen close! Okay, you ready now?
Ha, I meant at the show, since I have A Series of Unfortunate Events preventing my attendance (among them, no ticket). But I heard you!
I have the opposite problem: zero Sleater-Kinney tickets. They are playing here on Valentine’s Day, and I keep thinking “people will break up with each other between now and then, and have to sell their SO’s ticket.” This is both mean of me, and totally illogical.
Makes sense to me. You gotta do what you gotta do!
I am wearing my sleater-kinney tee shirt at work today! i’m bummed they didn’t book a show anywhere near here 🙁
Running toasties, anyone else having trouble with a winter slump? I prefer running outside, but it’s too cold and slippery for me right now (although I did see a guy on the running path mid-blizzard, so clearly this isn’t a problem for everyone). Also I jammed my knee while frolicking in the snow, so I couldn’t even do a mile on the treadmill last night. I might start going clubbing again just to have a fun way to exercise until the sidewalks are less gross.
YES ugh I have a slight fracture in my left foot that isn’t so terrible (I’m still playing soccer every week) but I’m scared to go out on the icy roads in case I hurt myself more. Instead I’m just watching a lot of Parks and Rec and slowly going mad.
If it makes you feel better, I live somewhere where it’s not even cold but the short days are completely ruining my running motivation. I can’t run after work and running in the morning is hit or miss. I’ve definitely felt very schlubby and slump-ish this week.
Also, there’s always a crazy person out in every weather. I lived in Boston until about a year ago and I would feel hardcore running in the winter while wearing a million layers and then get passed by some dude in short-shorts. If you really want to try to run outside but are worried about slipping, you could look into adding traction to your running shoes. There are definitely things that you can just put on over your shoes as well as spikes that you can screw into normal running shoes (which are probably not removable). I have no personal experience there – Boston was very good about keeping running paths clear and I’m currently in California – but they are certainly an option people bring up a lot.
So awful. I can’t bring myself to run outside in the winter; it’s always so dark out and no one looks where they’re going up here and ICE. So we bought a treadmill, and that’s okay, I guess, but it’s going to take that moment of oh-fuck-HOW-long-until-that-half-marathon?! panic to actually get me motivated, so, March before anything happens.
When is your half? I’m doing one in Gloucester in May, so yeah, no panic yet.
Memorial Day weekend. I hope to finish somewhat faster than I did last year (2:25, I think). The initial goal was to get close to 2:00 but lololol.
Twin Lights! A lovely half, though the hills do roll a bit through the middle.
…if that’s the one you are doing, though I guess it might not be.
Yes, that’s it! It’s my first time running in Gloucester. Usually I just go there to buy vinyl records and eat my weight in seafood.
I joined a gym only to use the treadmills in the winter. And it is horribly difficult during the week. Then I punish myself by running extra long on weekends.
I just want the sun to come out.
The new YMCA in our town is planning an indoor track for Phase II and I will definitely join next winter if it’s ready.
ME. It is so cold and it gets dark so early, so half the time I’ll realize at about 4:30 that I haven’t gone running yet and it’ll be fully dark by the time I actually get my shit together.
I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be running in in the dark, with all the snow and ice and cold; so added a second yoga class to my week instead. It’s definitely helping to minimize the self-loathing that just not! running would have incited.
I don’t like most of the classes at my gym right now, but I’ve been making excellent progress on assisted pull-ups and other strength-training machines. It’s not as fun as a good cardio routine, though.
YUP. I’ve barely run at all this month. I know it’s not terrible once I get out there (I live in North Carolina and recently days have been hovering between 25 and 40) but I just…I just can’t make myself. And I loathe treadmills.
I used to not mind running at treadmills, but as soon as I got used to running outside I completely lost interest in the treadmill and now I can barely make myself do two miles indoors.
Bingo. Last winter it was fine because no context, but now I’m like… ugh, kill me, I CAAAAN’T.
Currently sidelined from my half-marathon training by minor injury concerns and EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED about it. But I’m hoping to hop back on the treadmill next week, having now consulted the running store about my shoes, and both a sports injury clinic and my GP about my leg pain. Here’s hoping. Sorry you’re struggling with the winter. It can be such a momentum-killer. Clubbing sounds like a great way to spice up exercise until the weather stops being awful.
Hello Open Thread! Do you want to come complain/brag about your workouts? I started a Google Groups thing and you should come over! Burnt Toast!
Thank you!
Thanks for creating this!
I joined the group. I hate everything exercising and am avoiding it until it looks like more fun. That is all for now.
Oh – except I rode the gray horse twice this week, and he was a dork about cold and winter so I had massive amounts of trotting in swingy circles and it made me pant. Which is probably good. I do not hate the gray horse. I hate all the boredom machines and all the torture machines at the Y and the free weights are currently inhabited by a half dozen perfectly nice men but I am intimidated anyway. Grrr.
Back in the days of iMac, whenever our computer put up an error message, after a few seconds of delay, it would read the error message aloud in its computery voice. But before it read the actual message, it would say, “It’s not my fault.” Every single time. I have no idea how this setting happened and have never heard it on any other computer.
I remember this! She never sounded very sorry when said it though, which, annoying.
AA lost my luggage from my holiday vacay that in addition to all my christmas presents had priceless heirloom family jewelry and i am TRYING VERY HARD not to be completely distraught. They’re only material things etc. etc. etc. And from my dealing with this for over a month, I *KNOW* the “reimbursement” part of this process is going to be a goddamn hot ass mess and they will try to make me prove the monetary value of things that have so much more than $$ value GRRRRR
Oh no, oh no, oh noooooo. Fuck them so much.
Oh no! I am SO sorry. Wish I could say/do something more. x
Uuugggh that sucks! The truth is that some material things mean a lot, and it feels like no one wants to admit that! I am sorry your jewelry is gone and that you’re wrapped up in this terrible mess. Hugs.
Hiya Toastlingtons. I bet some of you have lived in foreign countries for longer than a vacation, yes? How do you deal with…that?
I love the country I moved to this year, but I’m struggling to maintain friendships back in my home country (which I will be returning to in a few months). I’m often alone here but my schedule and rural-ish location make it difficult to travel to cities where I could meet more people. It’s also starting to wear on me that there are so few native English speakers around.
The solitude and perceived difficulty of living abroad are making me a self-centered whiner as well. A close home-country friend recently called me out on that and even said she doesn’t want to talk to me again for a while. Everything she said was right on the money and it hurts like hell. I love her and I’m aghast that I caused her so much pain. I don’t even know how to dig myself out of this hole.
Yep. I lived in China as a teenager, many years ago before even reliable Internet for communicating with home, and then went back for a briefer stint in college. Both times (especially the second, when I was in a more rural area), I experienced the same isolation. It’s hard because to your friends back home, it looks like ~adventure!~ and that you’re being whiny. In fact, never having easy conversations with people around you is really, really difficult and life abroad is far more often a grind. I’m sorry about your friend, too.
I don’t know if I have any really great advice for you, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. I never really solved this problem, and I have taken from it that travel alone is not really for me, and that’s okay!
Obviously you can try to prioritize travel to the extent your schedule will allow. And since you’re going home in a few months, you do have a finish line. Can you commit to a certain number of activities a week that bring you happiness or connection that can get you through the day-to-day? How well do you speak the language and do you know anyone who might take you under their wing? This is kind of crazy, but do you interact with children there? Kids aren’t going to satisfy your need for adult conversation, but they do have a way of coming to you with less baggage and treating you less like an outsider, sometimes.
If you want to post/talk more, I’ll be checking back. I really feel for you.
I second what Thebellewitch said about kids! I don’t know how feasible or desirable this is to you, but the last time I lived abroad (Finland), I made a point of being friends with locals. I also lived with a bunch of locals, which meant I didn’t have to try as hard to make friends outside. My first semester when I was having the most culture shock, my housemates lent me a bunch of Finnish picture books to read to their sweet toddler. It was the best! She didn’t speak much in those days except to say “teddy bear,” and being a baggageless tiny kid, she was completely undjudgmental.
I am living abroad now for nearly two years and have done other stints of living abroad. On staying connected if you have Internet aps like what’s ap and viber make it easy to text friends back home for free which is easier than trying to schedule a Skype call. Just the act of sending a text makes me feel less far away and connected.
On friendships the friends that are really your friends will be there when you go back. I have friends that I only see in person every few years and would maybe just have sporadic emails and fb contact with but then we hang out all the distance and time is just swept away. I hope that helps!
Thank you guys for your comments. I definitely do travel as much as I can 🙂 Almost every weekend! I’m living with a local family too, which I’m really grateful for. They’ve been absolutely wonderful. And I do speak the language well enough to do pretty much anything I need to do. (Except talk on the phone or understand yelled conversation at crowded bars.)
I’m in this country to teach English, so I spend most of my people-time with teenagers. There are so many though. Over 500. I only know a handful of names and each group I teach is so big that I don’t get to spend meaningful time with any one student. Sometimes teaching makes me happy, when the kids seem happy to be there and appear to be learning. Sometimes it’s a real struggle just to hold their interest though.
I was put into this job with no experience or training and the students’ main teachers can be difficult to communicate with because they plan everything at the last minute/go several days without checking their email/do not tell me what the students are currently learning. This school year has been the definition of “trial by fire”.
This job can make a person selfish because you receive no help unless you ask for it. You have to be intensely focused on what you want/need and be loud about it because no one is looking out for you to make sure you’ve understood the insurance paperwork or have whiteboard markers or have been informed of a class cancellation.
I would like to make friends with locals but I don’t even know how to begin…maybe I’ll look for some kind of community service. I wish this was a university town so I could get involved in young-person things. There really aren’t any people between age 18 and 35 living here. /whine
You are on the right track. Please give yourself lots of credit for self awareness. You had a very mature reaction to your home-country friend’s communication. You could have been defensive, but you aren’t. I am impressed. You should be, too.
I recently reached the absolute end of my rope in my job and am seriously considering starting a nonprofit with a friend of mine. I am simultaneously terrified and excited! The more I research the more doable it looks, and the more *needed* it seems to be. And oh gods, getting out of a job where I constantly have to pretend to be someone I’m not* and to be doing something I truly believe in, would just be so amazing.
*I know we totally all do this to a certain extent, but we’re talking “nodding and smiling at anti-gay and anti-choice rhetoric” here. Eff that.
I put a countdown timer app on my phone to keep track of the time until I plan to hand in my notice, and it’s helping a lot.
Sounds awesome (starting the non-profit, not the dickbags at your curren gig)! I have found that feeling terrified and excited often means you’re doing something right, so good luck!
I totally agree — it’s also a feeling I had kind of forgotten existed, since my anxiety ate like the past 10 years of my life and I’ve been so terrified of being fired that I’ve stayed in shitty soul-ending jobs instead of doing exciting/terrifying amazing things and having adventures. That was also part of my recent realization and hoo boy I am MAD at my brain.
Hey, I am ALSO talking to a friend about starting a nonprofit and feeling terrified and excited! What kinda nonprofit you starting?
We hope to start a low-cost or free shuttle service from food deserts in my town to the Saturday farmer’s market. I have lots of good connections and smart people who have experience in nonprofits, so it really might happen!!!
That is a great plan!
That is awesome! I work for an urban agriculture project that runs a Farmers’ Market and when we’ve been able to have shuttle service for people in farther out areas, it’s been awesome.
Holy moses, this is something I write about a lot and always want to promote awareness around, so if you launch it and need anything I’m heatherlseggel at gmail. Good luck and thank you! It’s a great idea.
I’d love to help. I make spreadsheets. May I donate some help?
I am quite serious about wanting to help.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement! I will post in the open thread once we have a website and contact info up and running and will gladly consider offers to assist! We are still doing research and working on finding a lawyer to help with the paperwork right now but hopefully soon!!!
My job is in nonprofit support, so if you decide starting your own is the way to go, I’d be happy to help direct to some good resources!
Ooh, a countdown timer! I am also planning to give notice and was intending it for the first of January, but then someone slipped in the thin end of the wedge, and then I got scared, and here we are. I love this idea. Things are going to be better when I’m done there and I know it – you know the feeling!
Successful book club last night was successful (by which I mean almost all the food is gone), and now my house is clean and I have leftover wine!
So, Toast Community, I read regularly but comment rarely. All of this reading tells me that you are a lovely and varied source for information, which I’m hoping you will generously share with me! I am in the VERY EARLY stages of looking to buy my first place (aiming for a condo/townhouse situation), and as somebody who has minimal ideas on where to start (I love obsessively checking websites for places in my [theoretical] price range, but I know that first I need to do things like talk to banks and find a realtor), I was wondering if any of you can share good resources for first-time buyers? What did you all find most useful during the process? (Aside from patience and whiskey, of which I’m planning to lay in a large stock.)
Do you have friends or family who have bought houses in the last few years in the general area you’re looking in? Ask if they can recommend their realtors. Mine was my parents’ realtor when they bought their current house back in 2000, and then last year I referred one of my oldest friends to her. One thing I didn’t realize was that you can actually work with multiple realtors during the house hunting process if you want – an ethical one won’t make you sign a contract with them until you’re ready to make an offer. A good realtor can also help you find all the other people you need to work with while buying a house, including a mortgage lender, although independent research is also encouraged.
Open houses!
I mean, obviously talk to your bank and find out your actual price range. But then pick a neighborhood and a Sunday afternoon and just drive around and attend all the open houses you can. It’s a ton of fun to see everything, and it will help you form an idea of what is out there at your price range. Try and find at least one $1 million house, though. Trust me.
I’m kind of in the same boat – I’m in another country though so I can offer no advice, just sympathy – it’s scary!
There is a program for first time buyers in my city that was very helpful. It was basically a couple of workshop-y things where we sat in a classroom and a realtor and a lawyer and a mortgage broker and I think a home inspector explained how various things work. It was local, so unless you’re in Edmonton you would have to go looking to see if there’s something like that near you, but if there is then I recommend it.
i prepared myself by reading a couple of books. “Houses and Mortgages 101” type stuff. nothing too heavy. i know one was a “Dummies” book.
anyway… it made me much less anxious when it cam time to deal with realtors and banks and paper work.
Thanks, all! This is reassuring and helpful. 🙂
This is condo (and possibly US) specific, but ask if they have in the works/ anticipate any assessments in the near/ foreseeable future. An assessment is basically an unknown (sometimes big) chunk of money they ask for all at once to repair/ replace jointly owned portions of the building (e.g. the roof). And if you don’t come up with the money the HOA can foreclose on your place, so…learn about assessments, get a good inspector to look at the publicly owned bits, and try to leave yourself a cash cushion at the end of the process so you can keep yourself out of trouble. I’ve only come at this whole thing from the “architect trying to fix the falling down walkways” side, not the ownership side, but the ownership side seemed…difficult.
Also, I’ve found the Dummies books to generally be a whole lot better than their reputation would lead you to think, and Amazon seems to think their home-buying guide is pretty good (I’m not in the market to be house-buying, but I have been buying house-buying guide books for other people lately…)
We are in the process of buy our first house. The best thing we did was read every and all books about buying you first home. The best was NOLO’s Guide to Buying Your First Home.
Also, make sure you have a list of “must haves” and “would likes” and whether you are ok doing renovations, and what those renovations look like (repainting vs ripping out walls and kitchen renovation) once you are ready to actually jump in and make offers. You can go see a few homes (like through an open house, or even with a relator) and then get an idea of what you like. For us we had our list long before we went to see any houses, but (with our price range) our list was more like “close to a grade school, walking distance to a grocery store, big yard, solidly built, on a quiet street”. So when we found our house, we were ok and ready to make an offer since it hit all those things, even though it is UGLY, but we knew we were ok with doing renovations.
The last tip I have is to go spend as much time as possible in the area you want to move to (if you are moving neighborhoods). We went grocery shopping in this new area, walked and drove as much as we could. So we knew if there were any areas we weren’t comfortable with or roads that were too busy for you.
Hope this helps! If you are in the Chicago area I have a great relator!
Here’s what I learned this week: men in their 30s who work at college campus coffee shops, date undergraduates, and make a big show of protective masculinity are not to be trusted.
YES.
What happened?
Coffee Shop Guy set me up to date a dude who turned out to be sexually abusive, while knowing he was a sociopath (Coffee Shop Guy’s words). The setup and abuse were years ago, but I found out this week that coffee shop guy KNEW THE WHOLE TIME, assured me that Abuser was safe, and then let 21 year old me swing in the wind.
All my insides are made of acid this week.
Holy shit, that’s awful. What a horrible horrible horrible person.
I’m so sorry that happened to you —
Thank you. I suspected this guy was Not So Good, but the independent confirmation came this week.
A female friend did something similar to me once when WTF you should know better and we are no longer friends.
All the hugs for you and none of the fucks given for him. That is revolting and careless and so typically a dude fuckup.
Also one time he vouched for another dude who managed to CHEAT ON HIS GIRLFRIEND while in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP
where do all these useless assholes come from I s2g
I don’t know! Assholes vouch for other assholes, and just continue to do it for years?
The only solution is to light them all on fire.
Second-to-last Friday of being a mother of two. Toasties with more than two kids, talk to me about transitioning to the Zone defense!
Get a large St. Bernard? Worked in Peter Pan.
Would that our house was big enough!
Vice-quitting thread!!
T-minus less than two days until I’m quitting smoking! QuitNow app is set to start February 1st at 8am–trying to decide if I want my last one to be the night before or if I should have a sunrise farewell.
Anyone else working on anything? Or any words of advice? robotneedslove, you were amazing last week!
Night before. Trust me. Please, do not try to do a sunrise farewell. It is a bad, bad idea.
Half of my brain knows you’re right, but the other, lizard half is all “but but but!” Gdi, lizard brain, you’ve run the show too long!
Shut that lizard brain up. (Physiologically, it will be so much easier to start with a clean slate, so to speak; you’ll already have however many hours you’ve slept under your belt with no nicotine. If you do the sunrise farewell, you’re setting yourself up for a huge craving an hour later.)
A good point, I hadn’t thought of it that way exactly!
SunSET farewell!
Go, have Feb 1 be your new slate. You can do this!
Honestly, our lives are SO much better since quitting. It’s amazing! It’s so so so great.
You 100% got this. It’s going to be hard at some points. That’s ok! That’s where the good stuff happens, where you grow and change and get better. I think quitting has been so positive for my beloved, because he has learned a lot about himself and found and developed inner strength he wasn’t sure he had.
We’re so proud! We got your back. This is a good thing and you can do it.
😀 😀 😀 Thanks!! Congrats to y’all on keeping it going and being so positive!
SO, do what works for you but here is what finally worked for me. Someone told me “IF you find you fail. just quit again. Give yourself a mental slap on the wrist and then pretend it never happened. As long as the space between the failures gets longer you are QUITTING. For some it’s a process, for some an event.” I was a process person. then one day I realized i hadn’t had to quit again for over a year. And now it’s like 3 or so. GOOD LUCK!!!
I start my New Year’s resolutions on February 3rd … I don’t celebrate New Year’s on the first because my birthday is in January.
This year, a goal is to lose 50 pounds. But I take Seroquel, an anti-psychotic, and it seems to hold you hostage to a certain weight level. Like, right now, I think that weight is 292 pounds. I know, I know … I did gain a lot of weight on Seroquel. Right now, my goal is to lose 10 pounds, just to see if I can get below 285 …. Um. I’m going on a Lean Cuisine diet, since I can’t seem to make myself eat smaller portion sizes.
I’m trying to tell myself that getting my glucose levels down with this diet will be good enough, if I can’t break the 10 pounds barrier … but realistically, I will have to find an alternative to Seroquel’s magical ability to get me to sleep. I have to lose this weight. I do feel like a prisoner in my own body.
So I’m going on this diet with a mix of exhilaration and trepidation. If I lose weight, I’ll be able to get around more easily and do City Things; if I just get the lower glucose levels and the exercise endorphins (sp?) well I’ll have to live with it.
Now all I have to do is find a scale that goes beyond 250 lbs and then I’ll be able to gauge my success. I’m giving myself 6 weeks to lose the 10 pounds. And then, I’ll do a re-evaluation of my options … in other news, my daughter is actively trying to find a get-to-sleep alternative to Seroquel, so she’ll be my at-home cheering section.
But, please, Toasties, put it out in the Universe that the weight loss will happen for me!
Really, though, fuck Seroquel.
Have you heard of the 5:2 eating plan? It’s really big in England and I’m thinking of trying it. It’s based on the theory that humans are meant to intermittently fast, but our current environment has us primed to eat all the time. So 5 days a week, you eat healthfully, but with no real worry for calories. And for 2 days a week (these can be consecutive or non-consecutive) you keep yourself to two small, low calorie meals (focused on protein and fibre). I’m thinking of trying it because a sports injury has resulted in some major weight gain and I feel like I need to reset my affinity for sugar.
The books is called the Fast Diet, which is a terrible name! But it seems pretty well researched and isn’t making claims that are too wild.
I’ll look into that … it sounds do-able and not over-the-top and strange like some of the other diets I’ve been looking at.
I don’t want to talk too much about weight loss here, because the Toast is a safe space for me, and I think others, who want to feel positively about their bodies. Not to say your goal is not a great one for you! Just that I come here for, among other things, talk about bodies that doesn’t trigger me. And lots of people here are happy being fat and don’t want to participate in talk that makes them feel less than happy being fat.
But, as a person for whom efforts to lose weight have been really positive experiences, I want to share a few things, and wish you lots of luck and love! 1) finding an online community where healthy weight-loss talk happens is great. There are lots out there. 1) I have successfully lost weight in the past with the help of Weight Watchers. The way I did WW, I just ended up eating tons of vegetables and having help controlling my portions of other foods, and exercising more, which was great. 3) Don’t be hard on yourself. This is a very difficult thing, especially on Seroquel. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
The very best thing that has happened to me in my 20’s was developing a loving relationship with my body. It’s not perfect, but it’s incredible to feel like my body is a beloved aspect of myself and not my enemy. I’m heavier right now that I have been in the past, and I still love my body. I like to do things for my body that make it feel good. I love the way my body looks and feels. I wish that for everyone.
Lots of luck with it! My biggest ways of losing weight have been a) doing things I love that involve exercise, like hiking all over Italian countryside while on a really tight budget, which is also like your walking somewhere in the city that you’re anticipating; and b) lifting weights.
It’s weird but true — lifting some weights can make a huge difference. (It can also probably make you fitter for walking about). I wonder if doing some arm and leg exercises with weights might not really help things progress Some people buy nice little weights that look like bracelets, but others just use cans of food from the kitchen since they work well as light weights (1-2lb.)
I forgot that I live in a city of lakes, and almost every lake has a walk and bike path. I love biking. I can do that in the summer.
And with the weights — the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, if I remember correctly from college all those years ago. I’ll have to see if there’s a weight room near to my apartment building.
If you want to get into exercise in a relaxed, low stress way, I recommend finding some fitness videos on YouTube (there’s also people with dedicated channels – I like anyone who’ll do a good dance routine). It’s basically free (the only exercises I like are very expensive and I can’t afford them, so I resentfully do free things instead) and if you can always pause the video for a break in a way that doesn’t work so well in real life classes. If they ask for weights, soup cans are fine.
They have dance routines on youtube as exercise?? Count me in, I’ll try to find those!
I just did this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ozm24HaIMM
protip: you will feel silly 😉
Just search dance workout – there’s lots and lots and many are just the one song, so they’re done in like 5 minutes.
Kind of a cumulative response by way of the responses already here, but: 1. I played with the 5:2 regimen and it does seem do-able but I found it hard to focus on anything but dinnertime on those days. Would like to try again during warm weather, when all-day lemonade might help. 2. Yes to everyone who said strength training. Totally changed my whole life and I did not ever use the word “swole” (though I might now because it’s hilarious). Bodyweight as resistance. A ten-second plank this week can become twenty next week, you’re done quickly and it *totally* builds aerobic capacity. I was struggling to go up stairs and now stairs are my friends. 3. I like that you’re clear on not wanting to work with portion control now. I was in the same place myself, and it felt good to simply control not wanting to control portions! *If* that changes, it’s fun and cheap to just hit the dollar store for some measuring cups and spoons and begin by using them to take a visual survey of what X amount looks like, then eat whatever the heck you want. It’s a thing I resisted for a long time, then tried and liked, then gave up later when it got too homework-like, but just seeing a plate of food and understanding it in terms of energy value helped me switch out some foods for others, and it was low-stress and pretty much fail-proof. It sounds like you have a really solid game plan here, and I wish you the best of luck and good health (and sparkly jewels, too).
So this is late and really more medication-focused than the others, but I’ve been using Trazodone for sleep. It’s not an SSRI or SNRI so you can use it independently of your brain-meds. If you’ve been hanging on to Seroquel for its sleepiness properties, trazodone can put you to sleep. Its side effects are thirstiness.
I’ve tried it in the past. I have bp along with a traumatic brain injury. It’s the brain injury that’s causing the sleep problems right now. But, I think I tried the trazodone a few years after the TBI when my brain was really really soooo dysfunctional … in the meantime, thru the years, my brain has been slowly healing (or finding different pathways) so I should basically start over on trying various sleeping meds. I forgot about Trazodone, though. The only new thing I’ve tried is melatonin, and I was zombie-ish the next day. (So after two weeks on the couch, staring up at my interesting white ceiling, I stopped taking it. Maybe I was taking too high of a dose.) I’m seeing my doc next month so I’ll bring it up with her then. But oh, just the thought being off Seroquel: it’s like a dream.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Hope you figure out a medication that works for you, and good luck!
Friend, I will recommend two (the only two?) body positive fitness relates sites on the internet. Go Kaleo (.com) and Fit is a Feminist Issue (wordpress blog). They both link to other sites on occasion.
SPORTS SPORTSSSS OH BOY THE NFL IS JUST JERKIN OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE HOOO BOY IT’S SUPER BOWL TIME
So, who ya got/who do you hate the most involved in the game/is anyone betting money/is anyone going?!(haha, no, you are not, the cheapest available ticket right now is 8,100 dollars, oh yes, you heard me)/is anyone else just rooting for “giant sinkhole”
Here is Gronk and Marshawn Lynch playing Mortal Kombat with Conan, it is delightful (warning, the game is VERY VIOLENT HOLY SHIT). http://deadspin.com/marshawn-lynch-and-gronk-got-…
The Wizards have been crap lately, barely beating the Lakers and losing in pathetic form to the Suns. I think Ima see them play Bron Bron and the Cavs next month and I am PUMPED.
Djoka v Andy in the Aussie Open finals, Ill be watching live, so if anyone else will be too, let me know! (And of course, Serena v Sharapova, but I don’t think I can swing that live or I might die of exhaustion and I’m super excited for my boy Djoka, so, decisions)
Guys, lots of sports things happened this week, hockey (Martin Brodeur, you maniac, godspeed) soccer, etc, so talk in this direction about ya sports!
(and have fun this weekend party people, stay safe!)
All my friends and loved ones are rooting for the Pats, and I kind of am too, but I hate when they’re in the Super Bowl because it makes the party So Stressful. It’s much more fun when no one has any rooting interest!
I feel you on that. Luckily my team will never go to the Super Bowl, so we are fine here.
The Superbowl media blitz has been excessively silly this year, and I am salty because the administration of my Niners is using it to completely ruin the coaching staff while no one is looking. I am even more down on football than I was last week.
However, I did find this upsetting/hilarious set of photoshops this morning.It’s just like it says on the cover: they’ve replaced Richard Sherman’s face with a big ol’ Sherman mouth. I can’t stop laughing at them. Mr. Delperro thinks they’re horrifying. You be the judge. http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2015/01/what-…
They are…I do not know what to say.
I’m not sure if you’re talking about the Niners implosion (IIRC you’re a Washington fan and so know the pain), or the lovecraftian horror Sherman, but that’s an appropriate response for either.
Richard Sherman’s girlfriend is maybe going to deliver their baby during the Superbowl and I am FREAKING OUT!!!
Congrats to Sherman!! and babies are great!! but if this means the Pats win due to lack of Boom, I will probably be upset for like 5 days. (I’m a terrible person)
Richard said he was sure the baby would “be a disciplined young man and stay in there” so lets hope he’s right.
Pete Carroll apparently said he’d support Sherman missing the SuperBowl for baby!Sherman. Pete Carroll is #PeakDad.
Additionally, what are you lovelies making for game day? I’m going crab cakes, salmon dip, sliders, potato wedges, and so on.
Raspberry-chipotle bean dip. I make it every year for our Superbowl Party, and it’s always a hit. I am going today to buy those new rolled Tostitos, which I have been obsessing over since I saw the commercial. http://patinawhite.typepad.com/patina_white/2013/…
Mr. Delperro is going to try his hand at thai-style chicken wings, which I am looking forward to.
That dip looks awesome and I may just copy you on this.
you should! It’s really easy to make, and people love it. It’s a bit stiff for a regular tortilla chip, though, so plan accordingly.
Seven layer dip (because I’m watching it a foreign country and promised to make traditional super bowl food) and bbq baked beans sweet potato thing that Jamie Oliver makes and is sooooo good
Seven layer dip today, seven layer dip tomorrow, seven layer dip forever.
It is funny to be responding to a sports thread cause I don’t care about sports per se, but we are doing something this Sunday which is to go to a friends’ place to have a combo board game day Super Bowl day. The people who don’t care about the game can keep playing, the people who do will have it on to watch there. Bringing some kind of cheese dip and also smore’s dip.
That is a fantastic idea.
What is this smore’s dip of which you speak? It sounds AMAZING and I need to make some immediately.
Here ya go:
http://www.fivehearthome.com/2014/08/10/smores-di…
Good Things About Football:
– It makes friends of mine very happy. Sometimes. Other times very sad, so.
– Drew Magary posts on Deadspin
– Chicken wings
– Missy Elliott at half-time woohoooooo
Magary lives in the DC area, so I get to hear him do local sports talk sometimes, and for so long I laughed because he was always funny, but surprisingly calm and relaxed, and NOT ALL CAPS LOCK. But then one day he went off about the NFL and it was VERY CAPS LOCK and all was right with the world.
Oh, Martin Brodeur. I luff him. At one point I had an autographed rookie card of his. He’s a fucking maniac, yes. I remember being absolutely heartbroken in the 1994 Eastern Conference finals against the Rangers (how the fuck do I remember this stuff?) when he missed that easy save in the third triple-overtime game of that series to lose it, augh, awful, terrible, and he was only, like 21 at the time.
I live smack dab in the middle of Devils/Rangers territory, and those are fighting words around here haha. (I’m impartial personally, though more of my friends are Rangers over Devils which is weird because this is Jersey?? At least they’re not Flyers, I guess)
“At least they’re not Flyers.” Words to live by.
Oh, Martin Brodeur indeed. My favorite thing about this has been all the fanfare the Blues did around his retirement. It’s just all so weird. I’m more of a Rangers fan myself, but I do love Marty because I love goalies in general. For all that he’s a maniac I hope he continues to stick around. Maniac goalie coach!
Even though football is dead to me, I’m actually legitimately excited about attending a Super Bowl party this year. I’ve been craving social interaction lately (which is very not like me) and I don’t have to give a half a crap about the game this year, so I’m free to just be social and have fun!
I think we may be making buffalo chicken dip. It’s the only application of “buffalo sauce” I can stomach, and I’m prepared to undo a week’s worth of exercise for it.
Yeah, usually I go out for the game but this year it’s just me and my girl pretty much, which I am very much looking forward to. I’m feeling the opposite of you right now.
Enjoy that buffalo sauce.
I am from Seattle, so I am excited and also TERRIFIED, because my formative sports experience was the Mariners in 2001, and it genuinely broke me as a human being. Now I secretly always suspect Seattle teams that are doing well, because they’re going to choke at the last second and ruin everything (which, is what I thought was going to happen during the championship game, and I’m not really entirely over it tbh).
Also, my mom has traditionally thought football to be a bizarre white person thing, but she watched the NFC championship game and has gotten really excited about sportsball — she just sent me a care package that included a Russell Wilson jersey and an NFC Champions hand towel, which is cute, and also bizarre.
Oh boy, a Mariners fan, yeah I can see why you’d have a complex.
Haha aw your mom!
Haha, I had the exact same formative experience re: the 2001 Mariners. I wonder if it’s a universal thing among Millenial Northwesterners.
I’m always rooting for “giant sinkhole” all the time in every aspect of life.
Jon Bois’ Breaking Madden did its annual Superbowl game this past week, pitting a virtual team of 5’0/160lb Seahawks against a team of 7’0/400lb Patriots. Recommended if you like football, or if you DON’T like football, because Breaking Madden might be one of the funniest article series ever to appear on the internet: http://www.sbnation.com/2015/1/27/7916937/breakin…
The animated GIFs alone, man. Actual tears of laughter.
Oh my god I read that yesterday and can’t believe I didn’t post it. Thank you for linking it, it is tremendous. Like football, don’t like football, doesn’t matter, everyone should check it out.
I firmly believe the NFL should just be replaced by Breaking Madden.
I am down with this.
Yuss.
Dick Lebeau is leaving but not retiring and it all seems very odd to me?
Also I hope the Pats lose and we get more Sad Tom Brady images because they are the best because fuck that guy and his whole cheating team.
Yeah I guess he’s getting pushed out? Which…? The whole thing is weird.
Not enough Martin Brodeur marrying his sister-in-law jokes for me this week, but at least the few I saw were good.
I want to go out/hang out with work babes for the Super Bowl, but my very introverted bff wants to watch it Just Us, and I can’t blow it off because her mom is being released from a mental hospital into a not-super-safe home situation today and I’m not a huge asshole. But totally enough of an asshole to complain about it.
Oh man. You’re a good pal for hanging with her, I’m sure she appreciates the support.
The Pats and the Seahawks are legitimately my two LEAST FAVORITE teams in the ENTIRE NFL so I have been calling it the “hater bowl” and am making gimlets and calling them “haterade” to sip this weekend, but I cannot just not watch the game, I have NEVER missed one. So that’s my Sunday.
I am a Patriots fan and yet I am so impressed with Richard Sherman’s willingness to be so outspoken in a league that does not look kindly on people who make controversial statements, “[T]hose aren’t the things that people focus on when talking about student-athletes. They are upset when a student-athlete says they need a little cash. Well, I can tell you from experience, I had negative-40 bucks in my account. Usually my account was in the negative more time than it was in the positive
http://deadspin.com/richard-sherman-and-michael-b…
Michael Bennett is not a player I know, but his points were also good.
I am dug into a deep hole of SAD and have all this free-floating anxiety and depression that is trying to pass itself off as based on real things. It’s not based on real things. There is nothing remotely negative happening to me except the lack of sunlight. My brain churning night and day looking for semi-persuasive reasons I feel bad (e.g. IS IT YOU, LOVELY AND LOVING MR. ADA? IS IT YOU, SUPPORTIVE FRIEND? HOW CAN I MAKE THIS ABOUT ANYTHING REMOTELY TANGIBLE?). I’m starting to have a hard time not letting my interactions with the people around be affected–it’s either be prickly and difficult or be withdrawn. Do any of you Toastrons deal with a similar thing? How do you do it?
I deal with the free-floating anxiety by making up something to attach it to: I get super over-invested in fictional characters and cry about them a lot. Then my free-floating anxiety is firmly anchored in something that doesn’t bother my real-life relationships and eventually I get interested in something else and it goes away. This may not work if you don’t have a lot of practice being over-invested in fictional characters, but it might be worth a try.
I totally can over-invest in a character, but I think I need to change my reading material. I’ve been reading a lot of fiction with fine-grained explorations of various relationships that have gone/are going wrong. It’s making me paranoid. 600 pages of Doris Lessing isn’t exactly what the doctor ordered, perhaps.
I get really over-invested in the news and spend a lot of time worrying about overseas crises/ getting way too upset about the deaths of public figures/ obsessively tracking the progress of legislation. It has the added advantage of making me feel like the kind of person who knows and cares about things. I’m not always sure it’s healthy, though– flashback to 2009 when I stayed up all night for several days because I was FREAKING OUT about the Egyptian revolution
Oh my god I do that too and have gone through exactly the same thought processes ‘This is bad. ‘But it’s good cos it shows I’m nice right?’ ‘Don’t get self-satisfied. You haven’t done anything to help. Now stop worrying and do something useful.’ ‘But just ignoring and not caring about the world’s problems is bad.’ ‘Well…yes I suppose so.’ ‘So what do I do?’ ‘I don’t know. Maybe you should stop talking to yourself.’ ‘Okay.’
Not with SAD, but a great deal of PTSD, yes, I (Cassandra) do this from time to time. I try to spend time meditating, to sit with the anxiety and upset and not think about it, so that my brain quiets down and is willing to accept the ‘it is the past, but feeling now’ portion. Also a great deal of naming it, every time I am prickly and difficult (which some here would say is perhaps 80% of the time), I try to say out loud, “I am prickly and difficult because of the past, not because of –” the dishes or my partner not emptying the trash or the cat jumping on me or whatever it is I am trying desperately to attach it to. It is very much a work in progress.
This approach makes a lot of sense to me–thank you. I’m not very good at the moment at identifying what is happening while it is happening–I just get caught up in the whirl o’ feels instead. I will have to start practicing stopping and naming the thing.
Practically speaking, I tell my boyfriend very directly when I’m feeling crappy. That way he knows. I think it helps me not take it out on him, and it also helps him understand my behavior.
Feel better!
London Toasties announcement: Judith Butler is speaking at the LSE next Wednesday evening at 6.30 and it is free and you do not have to book, just turn up.
No, I had carry-on only exactly for that reason! Fagh.
Did anyone else watch the US figure skating nationals this past weekend? I am so dang happy for Ashley Wagner, Adam Rippon, and the deeply adorable Josh Farris. And then at the exhibition (my beloved and woefully underscored in the short program) Jeremy Abbott skated a tribute to his recently-deceased dad and it was Fry’s dog at the end of “Jurassic Bark” levels of sad.
I watched! It was great, although I missed Davis and White in Dance.
As a Canadian, and weird shipper of Tessa and Scott, I cannot like Davis and White. She’s like, the villain in the Tessa and Scott reality show!
Thank you so much to everyone who helped out two weeks ago with my Gabapentin questions. I did decide to take it but it makes me mad dizzy, so I don’t think I’ll be able to continue with it.
So sorry to hear about the dizziness. I hope you find something that works well for you.
Thanks! I’m still hopeful, but it’s definitely frustrating.
Dunno what to say, except that I’m a similar size, and have found that there can be a huge difference in fit in the same size in the same brand. Fantasie has one bra that fits me perfectly, I ordered a different style in the same size, and it is the worst.
Good tip, thank you! One day, if I’m ever supreme ruler of the universe, I will enforce cross-brand consistent sizing with a big fat iron fist.
I’ve started taking krav maga classes, and it’s AWESOME. I feel squishy and pathetic, but soon I will stop being squishy and pathetic! Come at me, everyone, I’ll fight all of you!!
(Note: at my last lesson I punched myself in the side of the neck really hard and accidentally hit my sparring partner in the dick when I was actually aiming for NOT the dick, so, I’m not going to fight anyone well. I’ll still do it, though!)
I’m also going through a messy friend breakup, and it really sucks. The last proper friend breakup I had was in high school (MORE THAN 10 YEARS AGO, goddamn), so I’m not really equipped for this. It’s okay, though, because my other friends have been incredibly supportive and kind, and I’m also starting to go from, “it will be the worst thing if my good friend hates me” to, “you know, I took responsibility and apologized for the things I did to exacerbate the situation, but my friend did not treat me nearly as well as he thinks he did, and he’s never going to acknowledge or apologize for the things he did that were unkind”, so I’m less sad than I could be. It’s still hard and shitty, though.
Yay beating people up! Coordination is totally a learned skill- soon you’ll be hitting people where you actually mean too! (And if you decide you want to throw some people around, you’re always welcome at your local judo dojo…not that I’m biased or anything :P)
I’m going to try this again! Are there any Madison WI Toasties? My fiancé recently accepted a job at a certain pompously-named company there, so I will be moving there later this summer. I’m a Ph.D. student desperately trying to finish her dissertation while also planning a wedding, moving, and looking for jobs. Great planning, I know. (At least I’ve given up on tenure-track, but I’m hoping that parlaying the Ph.D. into some kind of work is not another pipe dream.) I am a total lurker here, but have been reading the Toast (and before that, the Hairpin) since the beginning, and I would love to meet other excellent women.
I just finished my PhD in Madison and I miss it so much! The town is absolutely filled with grad students/academics and Epic people, meaning that it’s pretty easy to meet some fun nerds in their 20’s and 30’s. If you’re even a little athletic, try a rec sport (like MUFA (ultimate frisbee) or a climbing gym). Other than my department, that’s where I met most of my friends/friends-of-friends. Lots of my friends were involved in various orchestras/choirs/theater groups too, and seemed to find a pretty nice community there as well. Honestly, pick a hobby, and you’ll probably be able to find someone totally into it in Madison to geek out with!
Good luck with the dissertation/wedding/move/job hunt. My husband and I just made a similar transition (actually, it’s still a work in progress), so I know how tough and exciting it can be.
My excellent sister-in-law lives there (with my brother-in-law and their kids). She is a comics-and-sci-fi-reading feminist Muslim. (TBH she really should participate here, if she doesn’t already. Are you out there, N?) I can see if she knows any good places to meet folks … How can I get in touch with you? (You can email me at lauren at my username dot com)
Me! I’m in professional school so my ability to do social things is pretty limited, but I am happy to give recommendations for restaurants/neighborhoods to live in/whatever. I also worked at Epic for three years, so I know what you’re getting into (but only ask me about it if you want the opinion of a jaded pessimist). Lemme know what questions you have!
Toasties I lifted something heavy at work a few months ago, my back hurt for a couple days, and then went away. EXCEPT for a couple times – even though I have been so, so careful – lifting less-heavy things, when it hurts the same way for the rest of the day/24 hours or so. This just happened again yesterday. :/ I did some yoga last night that I thought would help but seems to have exacerbated it. Does anyone have any advice? Do I just need to suck it up and ask my doctor? (I feel like a baby.) I don’t exercise while it’s actively hurting, but I’ve lifted weights since and had no problems… it’s literally only been 2-3 times that it’s flared up again, since the initial Lift Incident, all those times while carrying boxes and/or bags of cans.
(Any good/easy stretching ideas would also be much appreciated.)
One stretch that helped me a ton when I overdid stuff in my old yard and royally trashed my back: Lie on your back with knees bent, feet flat on the floor and hands down at your sides. Lift your right arm straight back and overhead and at the same time straighten your left leg on a long, slow inhale. Exhale and bring them back in again. Repeat on the other side. Do 8-12 reps and focus on gently extending through your fingertips and the heel of your foot. I hope it helps!
Just reading that feels relaxing. Thanks!
So a window in the attic of my rented apartment is broken and the storm blew in a ton of snow (which is it’s own story but the following is better). While I was up there shoveling it out I had a chance to take some photos of the ghost wall. Check this out – how can it not be haunted?
BE WARY, you definitely have ghosts. That is so creepy.
sometimes my bedroom door locks itself. some people say it’s just a faulty lock, i say GHOSTS.
….locks from the inside… or the outside?
That wall is DEFINITELY haunted and I am SO JEALOUS.
FULL HAUNT
Holy crap! One of my friends lives in a rented house with a basement that is similarly wallpapered with CRAZY TERRIFYING BULLSHIT. Was this a thing at some point? WHY?
WELL, that sure is a haunted attic alright.
Is there a picture? Why can’t I see the picture? Is it the ghost?
there are pictures! weird. the ghost might be hiding it from you?
omg she is the one the ghost fears!
Teachers have serious weight in the ghost community. Ghosts fear and respect teachers, as should we all.
Knitting thread?!
I started my first cables project! It’s a purple scarf and I find it very pleasing and magical when I make the cables. What are you knitting, Toasties?
I am knitting a cardigan, almost finished, and I bought my buttons yesterday! All I have to do is knit the button band, which, yay! BUT it involves picking up 180-ish stitches. I’ve had to pick up stitches a number of times in this project, and all I have learnt is that it is the worst. Who here hates picking up stitches too?
I am no good at it.
I’m working on a pair of fingerless gloves. With any luck I’ll finish them this weekend!
I’m making baby hats for a couple of coworkers who are both having babies in the next few months. But as far as bigger projects go I’m kind of stalled out: I hit a wall on a sweater I was sort of making up as I went along, and I have so many unfinished objects lying around that I’m feeling like I should just pick one and see it through to the end instead of diving into a new project (which is my usual approach, hence all the UFOs). I need to find a regular knitting group, and I think some friends and I may be forming one but it’s not off the ground yet.
Video Game thread!
The Metroid Prime trilogy is now available and on sale for $10.00 on the Wii U virtual console. I bought it even though I have it for Wii and could have just put that disc in the Wii U. I also have all the original games for the Game Cube/Wii. I hope that a lot of people buy it so that Nintendo thinks “Hmmm, maybe we should let Retro work on this franchise again.”
I am still not finished with Dragon Age, but at this point I think I am going to concentrate on the main quest instead of earning more power, I think I am at about 120 power right now. I also charged my 3DS up in preparation for losing power during the snowstorm, which never happened, but I am thinking of getting a new game for it. I did download Pushmo, and I also got Minish Cap for the Wii U, so I guess I will see how those go.
What is everyone else playing? Did anyone else play the indie game The Fall? I loved it!
Still trying to get over the trailer for Five Nights at Freddy’s 3 – how is he putting them out so fast?? How do they constantly scare the jibblies out of me? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO POOR MARKIPLIER??
Also, Pokémon Toasties, don’t forget that the Emboar giveaway went live yesterday!
Captain Toad Treasure Tracker (still). I’ve got all the gems and the challenge on every level up to Mummy-Me Maze Forever, and I’ve been trying that a few times a day for probably close to a week? So I hope I’ll get it soonish.
After that I will probably buy the Metroid Prime trilogy. Plus I got Lego City Undercover for Christmas and I haven’t even opened it yet. And I got a Wii classic pro controller too, so I’m planning to replay Ocarina of Time & Majora’s Mask when I get a chance.
Basically, I have a zillion video games to play, which is good.
Oh, I have Captain Toad too! I love it but it’s so adorable that I don’t want it to be over, so I… ration the levels? Like, every time I play I only do 4-5 levels at a time.
That is probably sensible!
I do like that sometimes I have to play levels multiple times to get all the things, that delayed it being basically over. And after you’ve got the gems and the challenge for every level in an episode, it adds challenge times for each level, so if you enjoy trying to do things fast then you can replay them yet again. I’m not that fond of the time challenges, though, so I’ve mostly been ignoring them.
I’m going to be playing one or more Kairosoft games on my phone, and probably some FIFA 15 on the PS4 (best totally unexpected Christmas present ever!) with Abracadaniel. And, as always, poking at Game of Thrones: Ascent.
I only just got a Wii U, so I am currently playing the game it came with: Super Mario 3D World. I partially got the Wii U because I recently completed SM 3D Land 100%, and was pining for more. I am debating whether to get Mariokart 8 or Captain Toad next.
Before that, I was playing Fantasy Life (still haven’t reached my goal of becoming a Creator Alchemist, and I’m something like 80+ hours in!)
I finished DA:I over the snow day! And immediately started a second playthrough, whoops. I’m playing as male this time so I can romance Cassandra (damn it) and it’s sort of weirding me out. All the flirting feels creepy.
How far are you in the main quest line? 120 power is WAY more than you’ll need for anything, but it just keeps building up. I was well over 200 at the end of the game.
I just finished the “Assault the keep and then fall into the Fade” quest, and then boned Cullen. After which I leapt out of his loft instead of taking the ladder like a madwoman.
I’m playing as a dude my next playthrough so I can get at Dorian and his glorious mustache.
I totally just bonded with a coworker’s girlfriend last night over a mutual love of Dragon Age: Inquisition. It was totally awesome, and our loud discussion of Iron Bull’s sexual proclivities (and Dorian’s butt!) confused the entire table of dudes at dinner.
I need to finish The Fall! I got stuck on some puzzles at some point, but I really loved its discussion of the philosophy of robotics and consciousness. For a game with a similar aesthetic/themes, have you played The Swapper? It’s totally fucking awesome, and reminds me a lot of a philosophical, (2D) space-y version of Portal.
I’m currently about to finish up the last episode of The Wolf Among Us. Love the art and music, and even though it stars a dude, I find it to actually be a pretty good exploration of privilege. I’ve also got a bit of a crush on Bigby, so, uh.
I eventually had to look up a couple of puzzle solutions for The Fall and it was of those situations where I was just totally not on the same page as the game so I didn’t feel bad.
I finally rushed through the ending of Dragon Age cause I wanted to start over with a new character, however I didn’t get very far on that. I am actually right now teaching myself Unity 3D and Blender (and digital painting, got a Wacom tablet) to try my hand at making my own games. Lets see if I can actually finish something.
I basically haven’t played much of anything else since Dragon Age came out. I’m on my second playthrough (female Qunari warrior) and I’m trying to decide between Sera and Josephine.
I did get minecraft and have been playing it with my husband. I feel like I could write an essay on self determining gender roles in minecraft. I plant and harvest wheat and corral animals. He goes into the scary deeps and mines.
Somewhat related: I am of the belief that all Minecraft animate beings, including all player characters, are female.
I mean, every chicken-duck lays eggs, every cattle beast gives milk, and in species which breed, every animal is able to give birth. So clearly they are all the same sex, and that sex is more like what we call female than what we call male. And it wouldn’t really make sense for the player characters to have two sexes when nothing else in the Minecraft world does.
(This is only tangentially relevant to your post about gender, of course. I usually play by myself, and I do spend a lot more time farming than mining, unless I am out of iron.)
I really like this theory!
The husband and I recently moved to a different state. I was able to keep my job (which I love) but I now work from home which means I get next to no actual human interaction beyond my husband during the day. I’ve joined a book club, have a few friends, but do any of you have advice on other ways I can get in people time? Also, slightly related: any Toasties in Southern New Mexico?
I move often. I share with you my best strategy: volunteer weekly with Planned Parenthood. If there is one. Texas closed the one near me. May the gods help us. If no PP, volunteer with a girls club or women’s shelter. They always need reliable volunteers and it puts you in contact with the local progressives.
Toastfriends my office just threw us a super bowl party for having a whole calendar year without a single injury and I am STUFFED. I love free food.
If you had your choice of free food, what would it be?
Sushi. The company my fiance works for threw a swanky holiday party with an open sushi bar and it was basically the greatest thing that had ever happened to me.
Holy crap I would probably put the company out of business if that happened to me. SUSHIIIIII
Someone jokingly said that there was going to be a sushi buffet today and there WASN’T and now I’m sad, because sushi tops my list.
Sushi, absolutely.
Once upon a time in the very long ago past, we had a contract position at SGI, and at one of the random constant parties they had a sushi bar & chef in the parking lot outside of our building. It was marvelous, but even at the time I could not help but think that if they kept doing things like this they would not last very long as a company. 🙂
Ooooh, yeah. The only thing I miss about a particular ex-boyfriend was his work holiday party that was hosted at a fab sushi bar every year. The highlight would be the WHOLE TUNA that we’d watch the sushi chef carve up and then all the toro anyone wanted.
Dim sum.
Once I went to a party with a mashed potato bar and it was great. That’s what I’d choose.
We get baked potato bars at work sometimes during the prep-days. Every time it’s good but I wish it were a mashed potato or fries bar. (If I ever get married I want a fry bar. Delicious)
CRAB! King crab, dungeness, etc.
In fact, let’s make it a whole seafood bar. Crab, oysters, shrimps. Let’s add lots of smoked and cured fish.
As a broad category: dessert.
But more specifically, my girlfriend’s office once had an event with different kinds of pies in jars (apple, pumpkin, I think there was a pecan as well), and since then, every time she invites me to another work event, my first question is “will there be jar pies?”
The answer is almost always no (because apparently tiny pies in jars are not sustainable, somehow?) but I go anyway, because I love her and I learn things about SCIENCE.
wine
CHEESE!!!!! all the cheeses pleez. because i love cheese and because there are soooooo many kinds to try.
and for some reason i don’t get full eating cheese. i can just keep going and going and going. (both amazing and terrifying.)
Infinite chips and queso.
TACOS.
the inside! I will definitely move out if it starts locking me in. Though, when I first got together with my boyfriend (who was my roommate first and had his own room) it locked itself when he got up to go to the bathroom. He came back to the door locked and assumed I was kicking him out. I was asleep so I didn’t hear him trying to get back in. I’m sure the ghost laughed and laughed.
I was supposed to go visit a friend in hospital today (about 90 minutes away in good weather); but it is snowy and icy and blowing; and I feel guilty about not going.
🙁
I’m sure your friend would not want you to end up in hospital too if there was an accident!
Could you talk by phone instead this time?
Ah, thank you! I could probably do that. 🙂
Thank you THANK YOU.
I called and chatted with her on the phone and we prayer and cried and I don’t know why I didn’t think of that until you suggested it.
<3 <3 <3
It’s funny, hey? I don’t really ever think about the phone as an option anymore in terms of using it with my voice (maybe because I spend all day on one and am sick to death of them by the time I leave work?) instead of texting or FB message or whatever.
I am glad you got to connect. 🙂 <3 And may the roads clear so that you can safely drive another time!
Tell me about the pleasant (or unpleasant) mid-sized cities where you live. I’m potentially going to be on the job market in a few months and I kind of want a change of scenery. I’m in DC right now and the housing prices/traffic/staggering social inequality is starting to grate on me. I’d also like to get maybe a little closer to my parents in the Midwest, without getting so close that I have to experience actual winter. But for right now I’m open to pretty much anything.
I would vouch for a handful of cities in Michigan. Grand Rapids is an up-and-coming city with lots of great breweries, restaurants, art exhibits, museums, and concerts. Nothing much happens in Lansing, but it’s still a fun place to live, and having the University nearby means you still get some nice theatre productions and concerts. Ann Arbor (and the surrounding areas) have lots to like, if you can tolerate being in proximity to that many Big-10 University students.
GR is great for almost everything you want except the not-experiencing-actual-winter thing.
I was in that area a few months ago for work and had a great time! One of my big dilemmas in life is that I HATE cold weather but I’m from the upper midwest and have a huge soft spot for the region.
Oh man. I totally missed the “without getting so close that I have to experience actual winter” part. Never mind me, I’ll just be over here, re-learning how to read!
Having lived in all of the above-mentioned cities, I will definitely say that for all its faults, and they are LEGION, I liked the people in Lansing far, far more than A2 or GR, and it’ll always be my favorite for that reason alone. Ann Arbor is the smuggest city you’ll ever experience and it is exasperating to try to deal with it long term, and GR can be a thoroughly cliquey, closed-off place to live if you don’t have a pretty solid network there already. Lansing lacks a couple of things (namely a diverse/high quality food/beer/wine scene, though that’s improving) but the people there are just passionate about the place, and they’re super rad and laid back and overall don’t take themselves too seriously. Most of my friends are in Lansing, and I miss them a great deal. Lansing also doesn’t get nearly the amount of winter that GR does.
All that said, I wouldn’t trade Traverse City for anything. It’s just perfect here, even with the winters being as they are. Great food, great people, amazing beer and wine scenes, frankly shockingly good cultural stuff for being a town of under 20,000 (see: Traverse City Film Festival, Old Town Playhouse), scenery that’ll blow your mind, and housing–in comparison with DC–that is eminently affordable.
No suggestions but just want to say I feel your pain re: DC … my job contract ends in several months so I’m in a similar spot, except I would like to stay around here because this is where my family is. It’s just a hard place to live in some ways. :/ I hope you find a great place that you love.
mmmmmhm, I moved from DC to Milwaukee a few years ago and it’s hard to articulate what I didn’t like about DC (aside from the cost of living, which is VERY easy to articulate!). I feel like it was just a very intense place to live, in a way that even bigger cities in other parts of the country aren’t.
I liked a lot of things about living in Mke, but the weather & job market make it probably not a great recommendation in this thread. Just, I hear you on the DC to Midwest thing, it was a huge relief to move away and tales of DC rents made for good horror stories to tell at the bar.
I think what I’m really looking for is somewhere that I can walk into a bar, any bar, and expect to get a decent beer for under $5. And then scandalize everyone with tales of how I used to pay $1200/mo for a crappy apartment.
I doubt you’re looking in Canada, but I live in Edmonton, and it’s pretty nice so long as you drive. It’s got most of the big-city-ish amenities and stuff, plus lots and lots of green space. I don’t think social inequality and such here is any worse than average for Canadian cities, though I don’t know that it’s any better, and admittedly I haven’t looked into it in that much detail.
We definitely get actual winter, though. And I don’t think we’re any closer to the US Midwest.
Also Canadian, not closer to the midwest, but with substantially less terrible winter than Edmonton: Guelph! I lived there for undergrad and my masters, and I <3 Guelph so much. Close enough to Toronto without being a suburb, fantastic arts scene, excellent university, nice parks.
I live in the Raleigh/Durham area of North Carolina and I absolutely love it. There are lots of jobs in Research Triangle Park. There are three or four mid-sized cities within half an hour of each other, all with distinct personalities. Housing prices are low, think $450-550 with a roommate, $600-800 if you’re living downtown. Weather is gorgeous most of the time, winters cold enough to feel like winter but not scary cold. Incredible food. Basically no public transportation, though, so you do have to have a car and pay for gas. Let me know if you are interested in visiting, I can recommend some restaurants!
Ooh, I didn’t think of that. I have a friend in Chapel Hill who absolutely loves it but I’ve never been.
It’s a very doable drive if you have access to a car – 4 hours in zero traffic, 6 in heavy traffic. And unlike in DC, there are always places to park! 😀
Dayton is definitely wintery and it is missing quite a bit that other cities have. However, it is among the most affordable cities in the country and is within driving distance of Columbus, Cincinnati, and a few others. It’s also getting better with more things opening, so hopefully will be a more fun place to live over time.
Pittsburgh has turned out to be wonderful. 2.5 years here and it has totally won me over. Unfortunately, we do have “actual winter”, but at least we get a lot less snow than some of the other cities of the mighty Midwest. They also take their professional sports way too seriously.
I have a reasonably promising job interview next week. I am trying not to get too excited because this is my third reasonably promising interview in six months (it’s a small field, that’s a lot), but perhaps the third time is the charm?
I almost, but not quite, quit my job on the spot yesterday. (Bad idea for all sorts of reasons, I know, but would be GREAT for my mental health.) I talked myself out of it by saying that if I can just hold out until Feb, I get another whole month of health insurance. Then I went home and had cupcakes for dinner. The end.
Hang in there!
I’m also in a bad job situation, but I’m polishing my resume and sending it out, since the new normal is a long wait for any call back/interview, and most interviews don’t go anywhere (I was out of work for almost three years in spite of sending out resumes daily, and had relatively few interviews-to-resume-sending. And yes, I have a degree and a ton of experience in the fields I was applying. It’s ugly, but this is the new normal in our current economic state.)
Be as patient as you can–the fact that you’re getting interviews is AWESOME! Good on ya!
I’m buying a car! Using the toast method! It’s been sleazy, but I’m finally there. I just have to go get a billion dollar insurance policy and send in my paperwork. The idea of having debt unhinges me (I paid off my school loans very fast). but oh well! Car! Driving! I had a dream that they delivered my car last night and it had no tires, and that was how they scammed me. “Oh it doesn’t include tires at that price.” said the guy.
And separately, my feller is coming to town in less than 2 weeks. Hooray. I’m so excited. We’re long distance and new and I still get butterflies thinking about how we got together, and we agreed that after this trip is when we start making A Plan to End The Distance.
I read about the study that makes strangers fall in love, and copied the questions over to my google docs and then I thought better of asking that we do them- I thought, “oh of course this is very me, using a list approved by science to increase intimacy, I’m not going to do it, I’ll just relax for a change, we’ll just talk about whatever when we talk on the phone.
So then last night on our phone date he said, “oh hey want to do that 36 question thing?”
!!! Did I ever! We only did 2/3rds because it takes a LONG TIME. It took about 3.5 hours. Hard questions, very intimate. Anyone else doing them with a lover or friend? Anyone doing them with an attractive stranger? DO TELL.
Hooray, car! What flavor of car is it? TELL TELL TELL.
MrChouffe and I did the 36 questions thing as a half-joke over a beer lunch a few weeks ago and it was endlessly entertaining, especially the bit at the end about looking into each other’s eyes for four minutes. There was very little new information revealed, but we’ve been together for three and a half years and both know each other’s scariest memories. I bet it’s fascinating with a new beau, though!
This is my nearly delivered baby: http://automobiles.honda.com/images/2015/fit/exte…
It was so interesting because in one way we know each other so well- we met when he was my college roommate’s boyfriend (!!! It’s ok, she’s fine with it! ) and though we met at college it turned out we grew up one town over from each other, so what I find kind of funny is how I know him so well and we have jokes that are over 7 years old, and yet there are these other places where we don’t know a lot about each other.
Mostly it just felt so intimate. I can see how it works, because it really does push up the intimacy, and in a way that makes people’s good sides come out.
Haha I did that with my boyfriend, but we skipped the ones we knew would have really sad answers and we knew most of it anyway. So, it was ok – not much new for us.
Hah, you can’t skip the sad ones! Its like…75% of the whole thing. All about predicting your death.
I only skipped the ones that would make him talk about his dad dying young from a heart attack. It was nice Saturday morning in bed. We’ve been over that stuff. He was already not SOOO into it. It just didn’t seem worth it.
My roommate and I did it. We’ve been friends for like a decade. We skipped all the timed stuff, and lots of the repetitive stuff, like whenever it would ask us questions about our families that we had already answered. It was kind of a nice exercise — we are both in weird career spots and weird relationships spots and it was sort of nice to assess those things formulaically.
Guys, can anyone comment on what might be causing my left wrist to continually feel so sore? Over the past 5 years, I’ve had a recurring problem with this wrist suddenly feeling painful for weeks on end. I can’t trace the problem to any injury. I thought it might be caused by a reaction to my diet (specifically dairy, which I cut back — within cheese-loving limits — over the past year), but it’s flaring up again for no apparent reason. It’s not worse in the morning. Anyone been through a similar issue and have any advice?
I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, but could it possibly be carpal tunnel?
Tendinitis, possibly?
I had tendonitis in both wrists in high school and it basically is just awful pain on the undersides of your wrists. There’s no real fix for it except rest and staying away from whatever activities caused it (in my case, color guard!). I also got some extremely cool wrist braces (they were not actually extremely cool).
I don’t think there is any way for a lay person to tell the difference between tendonitis and carpal tunnel or anything else that might be the problem though, so I think a doctor visit is in order!
I’m having the exact same issue (same wrist, even); I was wondering if maybe it was the cold or something, somehow, but based on the other responses to your comment, maybe a doctor’s visit is in order.
I’ll go if you do. 🙂
Thanks for all the comments! Tendinitis — and according to Wikipedia, tendonosis — hadn’t occurred to me. I don’t think it’s carpal tunnel (which is supposed to involve numbness?) or a cyst. I do have a wrist brace that I wear at night, but it’s hard to use that during the day. I sure hope I didn’t give up delicious 1% milk for nothing?! Guess I do need to ask a doctor.
hello! apologies for such a late reply. i would like to recommend hot yoga for your wrists! whenever i have this weird kink in my tailbone, i go to a bikram class, and feel better. it’s good for all kinds of random aches and pains. it’s been great.
whatever you do, i hope you feel better!
Sorry for the even later surreply. I definitely can’t put much weight on my wrist, but the heat and stretching aspects of yoga sound like a good idea — I have been getting some relief this week from using my heating pad and doing gentle stretches.
So I was contacted a while ago by Basic Rights Oregon. They’re looking for conversion therapy stories in the Portland Metro area. Sadly, I’m no longer an Oregon resident and can’t testify when the Youth Mental Health Protection Act (HB 2307) goes up for a vote – plus my shit-storm of an experience took place in Northern California. If anyone in Oregon has had an experience with that bullshit, you can contact Basic Rights Oregon and tell them your story. If you don’t feel up to testifying, they can use quotes from your story, and I think they would also like leads on practitioners of conversion therapy who specifically target minors. The hearing will be in Salem on February 23rd. If you don’t have any experience with conversion therapy, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU and it would be so wonderful if you could call your representative and show your support for this act.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I didn’t even know such things existed here (I’m in Nor Cal). Our idyllic open-mindedness gets more and more Swiss cheese-like the more you look around.
You know, I actually came out of it all ok – I was old enough & stable enough to get out and find a place to live (and a non-evil therapist who charged on a sliding scale) but that’s not the case for a lot of kids, obviously. I still Google my old psychiatrist though and she IS still evil and practicing. I’m toying with filing a complaint against her, though it’s been about 15 years.
Northern California is weird, isn’t it? You’re closer to the coast than I was, If I remember from your writing. The top of the central valley is pretty far from open minded, though there are little pockets of progressives here and there. I love it out there and I have a lot of anxiety when I go back to visit. Swiss cheese is an excellent descriptor!
I figured you for under the trees bc mushroom username! I grew up in Cazadero, which was evenly divided between virulent racist/homophobic rednecks and lesbian covens. Trying to move back to Ukiah, which advertises itself as “home of the redneck hippie,” so apparently I have failed to execute much personal growth. Only seen the ocean once in the last nine years, though, which is a tragedy.
It sounds like you manifested some post-traumatic growth in your move away from that therapist and locale, for which Thank Your Deity Of Choice Or Equivalent Powerful Thing. The aunt I’m crashing with now volunteered with Basic Rights Oregon during her existential gap year in the PDX. They sound like good folks, so hopefully this garbage behavior will soon be a thing we can look back at and wonder how it was ever allowed.
I live in Austin where the weather has been unseasonably warm and beautiful for the last couple of days–highs in the upper 70s and low 80s. But yesterday a cold front blew in and today the high will be only 59 🙁 Yes, I am weather trolling.
Ugh, I’m glad I’m not the only person who does this. I feel like I need a lot of validation to just do what I want, which is stupid, but it’s nice to know other people have the same anxiety.
I have no need to ever find out what Fallen London is, but I really love when the posts to that thread go AWOL and someone happily reports that they got a human head in the mail or whatever and it somehow isn’t scary.
Me too!
Hahaha I’ve been enjoying that exact experience.
I have been sick this week, and that + blizzard + work issues = rather unshakable and bone deep malaise. HOWEVER, in a brilliant act of self-care last night, I ordered the trade paperback of Henry & Glenn Forever and Ever. Yay!
This week I started seeing a therapist for basically the first time, to try to deal with the major anxiety I’ve had almost all my life, which has lately gotten so bad I can barely get any work done. I’m really looking forward to perhaps recovering from this, though setting up therapy appointments and going to them is nerve-wracking in itself.
Please give yourself a congratulatory hug for me – you did it! Despite feeling anxious, you booked an appointment and went! 🙂 That’s a big step.
I hope therapy works out well! I should really follow your example but yeah, I am too nervous to even start calling places.
Good job!! It can be hard to get going but I hope you’ll find it useful. <3
Go you! Therapy appointments are work, indeed. And you did it! And you’re doing it! Go you!
Good for you! Seriously, I think the 3 hardest things are 1) deciding you need to do it 2) getting a referral and making that call and 3) getting to the first appointment. You’ve already gotten through 1 & 2. You’ll feel so good about yourself when you get through #3! I hope you buy yourself a congratulatory cupcake.
Go you! That is a huge thing. Therapy has been great for me to learn better ways to manage my anxiety. I feel more good more often than I have in years. You can do it!
Toasties, I got engaged last week and I’m really happy about it. I have a lot of other Feelings about the things that surround getting engaged (so many congratulations from almost-complete strangers! planning a wedding ?!?!? making VERY public and VERY up for comment something that is very private to me, my relationship) but overall I am just really happy.
Enjoy the being-happy, then! Sending very warm thoughts your direction. 🙂
Congratulations!!!
HOORAY!!! Enjoy it, lady!
Also, Offbeatbride.com is a treasure, and will make you feel awesome.
Congratulations to you and your beloved and may your wedding planning be as stress-free as possible (and your marriage long and happy)!
Tooooaast. I am watching a new show that is AMAZING, but it’s very depressing. It took 13 episodes (out of 20!) for the main character to finally a) do something right and b) be recognized for it, and then episode 14 went right back to the discouraging. On the other hand, I never thought I’d be so on edge about a corporate presentation for a business plan to sell used cars.
(the show is called Misaeng, it is a Korean drama about people who work in a corporate office. Each episode is just about business stuff they work on, and the snags that happen, but the characters are too compelling for it to be anything but good).
Intentionally burying this. Internet drama from last week has worsened- friends keep urging me to reconcile with the person I’ve been fighting with, and I just. don’t. want. to. There’s nothing specifically that she’s done, I just have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and she makes weird comments sometimes like, “Sometimes I keep people’s personal posts to use it against them later.” (Um, WTF.)
Everyone thinks I’m an evil bitch for freezing her out, but honestly I spent most of last night catatonic, watching Bob Ross with a quart of ice cream, and this morning I had a panic attack in front of a coworker.
So… that’s my week. Cheery post I know! Sorry. It’s just been Insane with a capital I.
Luckily one of my good friends is in town this weekend and we’re going to hang out and do fun things while I ignore the internet forever. Except the Toast, obviously, because y’all are cool.
She doesn’t sound like anyone you want to be friends with. It can be really liberating to just say ‘nope, don’t like you/him/her, we’re not going to be friends’. People will be horrified at first but sometimes you just need to do it.
Oh dear, I’m so sorry. I am mad at those folks urging you to reconcile. You know your boundaries best and I wish you strength in continuing to uphold them. (Also that comment is VERY wtf.)
I am so sorry this is happening. I think you know this, but you are not obligated ever to be friends with someone, and you are not an ‘evil bitch’ for staying away from someone who makes such creepy vicious comments like that!
Throw her out. And the people who like to weigh in about it are just spicing up their lives on the back of your drama, so screw them. Their opinions hold no weight.
Friends do not cause friends panic attacks. Period. This person is not a friend, you do NOT need to justify it to the internet or to anyone IRL or to her or to yourself, even. Redirect anyone who gets on you about it, or say “why do you feel it’s okay for you to question my decisions?” and wait nicely for them to answer, even when they try to get on you about it from a different angle. Just keep saying “why do you feel it’s okay?” or similar until they shut up about it.
Sorry for the insanity.
You are a very wise woman.
old, mostly, but thanks
Guys. Today is the best Friday. I started the day terrified because I had an “evaluation follow-up” today and was (as always) certain the follow-up was going to be “pack your shit and go.” Instead, it was that I GOT A RAISE! And not a minor one. A very awesome one. Only a day after sitting down with my fiancee and making budgets and being content but a little disappointed at the amount of disposable income we have/also finding out that a car repair I need is going to be $900+. Oh man. I am going to CELEBRATE this weekend.
I asked my boss to recommend me for that social media panel I mentioned last week, so we’ll see how that goes. Taking career risks is exciting and terrifying. Thank you to everyone who provided advice and encouragement!
Also, I am reading Wolf in White Van and have found it interesting, engaging, but just weird enough that I’ve had to take a few days off from reading it. Anyone else reading? Any spoiler-free thoughts? I’m about half-way through.
I liked Wolf in White Van. I didn’t love it. It felt like reading a Mountain Goats song’s character’s memoirs (duh, also sorry for that sentence construction) which sometimes was like “yeah!” and sometimes I was like “this would be better if it were shorter, and also set to music.”
I loved the Trace Italian through and through. The overarching narrative I was more meh on, but it didn’t ruin the book for me or anything.
YAY you! I do that a lot – every time I get called to talk to my boss I think I am getting fired, but it’s always great! I’m glad I’m not alone in that…
So! Like a coward, I’m posting this late(ish) so not as many people will see it, but guys, I’m pregnant! I’ll already told family, work and most of my friends although I want to tell people in person and it’s the winter so I never leave the house sooooo. Yeah, a lot of people still don’t know and I’m 13 weeks and starting to show. Buuut that actually makes it easier because now I just have to wait until I see people and wear tight shirts. Haha.
Also I got pregnant either on my wedding night or on my honeymoon, so I am a giant cliche.
Congratulations!
Yay! Awesome! Congratulations!
Yay baby!
Congratulations!
Adorable! I love cliche babies.
Congrats. Enjoy the tight shirts!
Congratulations!
Salesforce training starts today! Here’s to being more and more employable!
What training are you going through? We use Salesforce quite a bit at my job, but there’s so much it can do, that I’ve debated taking some additional trainings.
Oh gosh, I don’t know! Today turned into a bummer alert- the one guy on staff who has Salesforce experience just showed us a quick run through of the Sandbox… which we’ve seen before. I did learn how to put together a report (chock full of logic) but other than that it was not helpful. I’ll post when real, actual training begins I guess?
Relevant:
At work this week I got to publish a piece by Ursula K. Le Guin! I’m excited about it because A. it’s Ursula K. Le Guin (!!!!) and B. she addresses the Pope’s recent decision to canonize Junipero Serra, which is really, really messed up.
Ooooh, that is awesome!
I didn’t put this in the initial comment because I was afraid of sounding too advertising-y, but my coworkers have been doing a really good job of covering the story–especially by amassing statements from Native writers, elders, and leaders. I hope it’s okay if I post that link here!
I’m not really one to answer, but I want to read that ,so I hope you post it!
Oops, sorry, should have clarified–my name is the link in the reply comment. (I so don’t trust myself trying HTML in a comment box.)
(This is in response to robotneedslove):
Oh, gosh, I guess I should have mentioned that I’m at “pre-diabetic” glucose levels — which Seroquel can certainly cause. It’s a moment of truth … I have to do something.
I said I felt like a prisoner in my own body, because I couldn’t seem to exercise enough to get to a point where I can walk 2 city blocks. I was blaming it on my weight … . The thing is, a few weeks ago, I went out to the City Center, and somehow managed to walk 3 blocks without getting out of breath. Earlier in the day, however, I walked 1/2 a block to get my mail, and it took me 30 minutes to catch my breath. What happened? Well, in the city, I was doing something fun and was anticipating going to the next place … so I wasn’t focused on the negative thoughts of “you can’t possibly walk 3 blocks”. I just did it. I was an empowering moment for me.
In other words, I can do the exercise thing and get to a point where I can walk where I want to go … and it really was a breakthrough for me.
With the seroquel and the weight gain … I’ve been taking it on and off for 15 years and was in the mindset that my mental health was more important than worrying about my weight gain. What makes me happy is wearing my jewelry — it’s pretty and sparkly and I love it — so as long as I could wear what I wanted, I was okay with my obesity. But my weight now is such that I can’t wear necklaces or bangles anymore … nothing fits. It’s made me very sad that I can’t do that sort of self-expression … . It may sound shallow to like wearing jewelry … but there it is.
I’m glad you pointed out body image and triggers … I’ll be more careful of that in future if I post on my weight loss success or failure. Like I said, I will be okay with getting my blood levels down, and on being able to walk around the City if I don’t lose weight. On the other hand, if, on my diet, if my blood levels DON’T go down, it means that the Seroquel is causing the pre-diabetes and I will have to go off of it. And then, I know, because it’s happened in the past, I will be able to lose weight, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.
So thank you for your post.
Warning: unsolicited advice about walking and jewelry follows.
I walk a lot, and I recently decided I wanted to walk faster, because I was usually more strolling than walking briskly. I’ve found that the key, for me, is teeny but consistent increases rather than going all-in. I’ve been listening to music while I walk, using an app to play music at a particular speed. I started with a speed that I could walk in time with easily, and then bumped it up a teeny bit and left it at that new speed until I was used to it, and so on. Maybe something like that would help if you think the problem might be that you’re pushing yourself too hard when you walk?
Or if distance/endurance is definitely the main problem, maybe you could try something similar but with time, ie set a timer for a minute, walk at a comfortable speed until it goes off, then turn around and head back. Once that’s going well, add ten seconds to the timer. Continue until happy with how long you can walk.
Also: can you buy longer necklaces? Bangles seem to be mostly one-size-fits-some in my experience, but necklaces definitely come in different lengths. So do non-bangle-bracelets, I think. If some of the necklaces you have are pendants, maybe you could just buy one new chain and put a different pendant on it each day, to start with.
I think in my pre-diabetic diagnosis panic, I’m losing my common sense, so I appreciate your comments on both exercise and the jewelry.
I think, as far as the jewelry goes, I’ll buy a longer, 3-strand of pearls and then hook my brooches/pins on it … . That should give me some variety.
As far as the walking goes, I will be following your advice to the letter … . I am walking stairs right now to get strength in my legs. I was going to wait to go outside and walk around the block until I got up to 5 flights of stairs, but I won’t start with walking around the block, I’ll do a timed thing, as you suggested. 10 second increases in time … . It’s more reasonable and more doable. I have some renewed faith with your suggestions. Thank you.
EDIT: My daughter just pointed out that I used to do macrame, and as she said: “You can make your own damn bracelets, Mom, think about it.” God I love my daughter sometimes, you know?
I’m glad that was helpful. Macrame bracelets sound awesome. Best of luck with the walking!
That sounds so tough.
I’m really rooting for you. Walking where you want is such a pleasure, and I hope that for you.
Not sure if this would help, but I really love walking with podcasts in my ears for exercise. I find that they take my mind elsewhere in a really pleasant way.
Any tips on how to get over silly but upsetting things quickly?
Ugh got into a debate on facebook re one of No More Page 3 offshoot’s recent activity. Which was a fine and reasoned debate expect after the second time she wrote in a way that assumed that I didn’t know much about the campaign in general and she needed to explain it to me, I asked her as an aside to stop talking to me like that. At which point she completely blew up and started attacking me using the only personal information I’d inadvertently divulged about myself earlier while making a point — that I work in academia. Queue all sort of horrible sarcastic comments about ‘you learned people’ and how I’m ‘lording’ my ‘superiority’ over people. Apparently getting annoyed that people were condemning a project to which people had put in a lot of effort because they’d failed to read the information properly and thus completely misinterpreted it is being a massive snob. When I said I thought such ad hominem attacks were unkind, she claimed it was ‘a joke’ and told me I ‘shouldn’t take it personally’.
Internet trolls do anger me a bit sometimes but not much…but this really upset me. I suppose because it was a normal debate before she suddenly turned so I was completely unprepared. And because it was using my identity to accuse me of something that I hold in horror.
I really wish I could be one of those people who could just brush it aside and not let such silly things bother them. Because it IS trivial and I realise that. ( I did watch Mallory’s hilarious ‘How to Deal with Criticism’ which definitely helped a bit and made me laugh at myself.)
(Edited for more prominent advice asking. Though writing it up on here has helped a bit anyway.)
Trite, but true mantra: No one is as good at being me as I am. I am the best me there is or ever will be. People who cannot appreciate me are to be pitied and ignored.
Easier said than done, but worth repeating to yourself at times like this.
This is something I’m keeping in mind as I learn to meditate, actually – how to get off the track of seething/fretting/melting down about [any random frustration or setback], and go on having the evening I meant to have before [x] happened. It’s helping, actually. I’m getting better at saying ‘ah, I’m doing that thing. Okay, I”m going to briefly write down what’s upsetting me, then set it aside and go do something else, instead of repeating this story to myself in my head for five hours.’ (the writing-down isn’t a meditation thing; I just find it comforting to make lists.)
yesyesyesyes! Lists are the antidote to rumination. Stops it in its tracks.
Toasties! Suggestions please! As a sort of birthday present for a friend in the last few months of thesis write-up, I’m making a ‘Thesis Survival Kit’ box. It contains so far:
– A mug on which I will have painted ‘This Too Shall Pass (with flying colours!)’
– A token entitling her to my proof-reading at least 15 000 words of her thesis.
– A bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans
– A box of ‘Green Energy’ tea with green tea, guarana, ginger and some other stuff I forget
– A box of ‘Relaxing’ tea with cammomile, etc.
– A waterproof blow-up neck pillow for the bath
– A relaxing bath milk
– A copy of ‘The Moving Toyshop’ by Edmund Crispin as light reading before bed to wind down.
– It also used to contain caramel wafer things to put over your mug but then I ate them so…
Any ideas on what else I could pop in there?
I do not have any ideas right now but I think you are *so* awesome to do this for your friend!
Aww thank you! 🙂
Soup mixes, nice ramen, box mac&cheese, etc., or a gift card to a convenient dining establishment? Because if you are writing your thesis the last thing you have time to do is cook/feed yourself. I know this from experience.
Ooh that’s a good idea! Miso soup might be good. She’s quite into healthy eating. Luckily she lives with her boyfriend so hopefully he’ll cook for her a lot, but miso soup is easy and healthy. Thanks!
These are true words! Or a giftcard to Foodler or whatever internet food-bringer is available in the friend’s area. This was a magical thing.
Someone made me a jar I had to put money into if I moaned about writing up too much. It…kind of depends on your friend whether that would be helpful or rage inducing ;).
Lol, can’t say that would appeal to me! It would definitely be the latter for me. But kudos to you for that! I definitely moaned too much when I was writing up.
My lab was big on tough love – worked for me, definitely not for everyone!
Mini-champagne to be opened upon completion of thesis?
Like those wee Sofia cans, if they’re available in your area? Sturdier than glass and surprisingly tasty.
You are an adorable and wonderful friend–what a lovely gift!
A study playlist on a USB stick? I’m really fond of chill choral music for dissertation writing, but what does Thesis Friend enjoy?
That’s a great idea! A mix-tape!! Thanks!
This is a *wonderful* idea – I also love that you ate the caramel wafers. How about a notebook for non-work thoughts? Maybe something with lots of things to look at [[[[that are not words]]]] – a travel brochure, or a picture book, or a fashion magazine?
Offering proofreading! You are a top-notch friend 🙂
May I suggest cheap noodle bowls? Or any sort of food that generates no dishes that need washing (or just a fork). Or, alternatively, paper plates!
I had a terrible time when I had a digital antenna. The only channel that reliably came in was NBC… so I watched a lot of 30 Rock, but on the whole, not ideal. :-/
PBS does put up full episodes of recent shows on their website though….
ETA: Augh, this is a reply to Girl Named Jack
OH! I forgot to ask earlier! Who colors their hair with henna? Stories/tips/links please!
Backstory: I have dishwater blond hair. I don’t use shampoo anymore, and though my hair FEELS phenomenal and my scalp no longer itches like it is cursed, my hair also looks much darker, especially the day after I “wash” it. So I was thinking of going reddish? Haven’t used henna since college and I was using terrible cheap crap from my co-op.
Also: the idea of having red hair appeals to the part of me that also wants to wear caftans and big chunky necklaces.
http://www.hennaforhair.com
Well, I know where I’ll be the rest of the weekend. This is perfect. Thanks!
No problem! I made my own henna mix in college (I used herbal tea to darken it), and it worked really nicely. I also left it on longer than they suggested, so it came out really intense, but it maintained my natural highlights, which was awesome.
Seconding hennaforhair. I use the strongest version of straight henna every other month on my naturally dark hair. I have enough gray hair to need the full strength dye and I love how the gray strands become bright orange highlights on my now dark auburn head.
I recommend buying samples of the various dye strengths and testing strands from your hairbrush.
I use the Lush henna (thanks for the reminder, need to do that this weekend) and I don’t find it that messy, but I can appreciate that it IS, it just doesn’t bother me that much. The Caca Brun is pretty much my own hair color–a medium brown–but it turns my grey hairs a lovely goldeny blond color so they look more like highlights than greys, and it is the best deep-conditioner I’ve ever used in my life. My hair is otherwise completely untreated, I use a flat iron or blow dryer about once a month, and it’s seriously like Disney-princess hair after the henna, ultra shiny and smooth.
I used to use Colora, in the blue box. but it became impossible to find around here. Now I use Lush and love it – I use the brun and it makes my hair quite red… but I suspect my hair has a lot more grey in it than when I started.
I have! Not recently, but I have two boxes in my bathroom cabinet (I guess I didn’t realize I had one already?) calling my name. I’ve always used the brand in the blue box — I can’t remember what it’s called (and can’t go check right now), but it’s not too pricey ($10 Cdn?) and has worked pretty well. I’ve always used “mahogany”, and my hair is dark blonde, and it turns it a nice coppery colour.
It’s been a rough week. But on the plus side, I woke my husband up the other night chanting “I WANT CAKE” and pumping my fists in the air. While asleep. So, I’m making cake this weekend, because my subconscious is pretty stubborn.
This is pretty much the best sleep talking/walking story I’ve ever heard. Second only to the time my friend woke up, standing in front of his microwave, watching his wallet go up in flames.
I LOVE sleep-talking stories. One time very early in our relationship, I woke up to my ex saying “1969. Joe Frazier. Bear Attacks.” Apparently he dreamed that Joe Frazier (the boxer) had put out an album (genre unknown) in 1969 called Bear Attacks.
It’s really a wonder I don’t have this happen to me, considering how often I crave cake.
Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, simply for the context. It’s all about shifting relationships and emotionally unstable people- put it down for a second and you’ll lose all track of which old biddy is which and whether Jeanette is going to hell that day or not.
ETA: Ugh this was in the “books you can’t put down” thread.
oh boy, this is in my Big Stack of Books to Read and this description is making it 2x intriguing.
Thank you. Like, from the bottom of my heart.
This has been seriously interfering in my life and no one else understands it. I don’t even understand it, my mind is on constant replay going through 8 months of conversations – I caught myself wondering whether I’ve given her enough information to find my address.
Which, uhhh, kind of speaks for itself.
“Imaginary angry conversations” is one of the ways my anxiety manifests. It happens with work, it happens with friends, and it even happens with online comment thread conversations (this is one of the main reasons you’ll see me stepping out of contentious threads when they get really heated up — I don’t want to be up at 4 am thinking about how WRONG the other person is and how I want to SHOW THEM how WRONG they are and thinking of ALL THE WAYS I CAN SAY how WRONG they are etc etc etc). I hope you can find some peace with your decision and get some respite from your well-meaning friends as well as your own mind. <3
I’ve seen this play out before online and you’re doing exactly the right thing. She sounds like a bully.
YOU GUYS THE QI ELVES JUST TWEETED THAT QI IS COMING TO BBC AMERICA AS OF 2/17
PRAISE JIBBLIES
EXCELLENT
Depression thread, anyone?
So I’m in a really dark place these days. I’ve been on medication for a year and a half, and nothing has worked. I’ve been doing CBT, but because of my healthcare provider I only get to see my therapist once a month. I’m having suicidal thoughts (I don’t have a plan). It just feels like I keep waiting a little longer for a medication to work or some trouble to pass but the depression just doesn’t leave. I’ve resolved just to not think about the future. Anyone else feel this way?
On another note, it’s 11 am and we’re already on page 3 of friday open thread!
Just want to say that I hear you, and that I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’ve experienced the same suffering and my heart is with you at this time. That stinks so bad that your insurance only allows for monthly therapy appointments; I wish our country had better mental health care.
*hug*
I understand.
It sounds like this is a good time to re-evaluate your medication and dosage. My husband has been on a generic of Prozac for three years, and we have changed his levels about four times to find a correct dose. It’s okay to change your meds or how much of them you take. Do you have anyone who can advocate *for* you? I know that depression can take away any energy or ability to make a change on your own, which is Not Awesome.
Winter makes all this harder, too. Spring will come soon; brighter and warmer days are coming. Do what you can to take care of yourself: You are inherently worthwhile, Briarheart.
::hugs:: if you want them. I recognize what you’re feeling. I’ve been there. For years and years. Though not now. You are valuable as-is. Please remain part of this world. And reach out anytime: rcmcdowell at verizon dot com. Don’t even think about what to type. Just “hey” will do. And I hope to see you in the comments again soon, Briarheart.
Ah, I only just saw this, but I want to echo what RoseCamelia says — pretty much everything she says — except that my email address is lauren at myusername dot com. *** hugs *** if you want them; polite head nodding from a distance if you prefer.
Aw, you guys are the best. Hugs for all. My psychiatrist is putting me on another med after I titrate off my current one, and it turns out my next therapy appointment is sooner than I thought, so yay. Here’s to taking it one day at a time and screw the future. I watched Broad City all day and that turned out okay, so that’s what I’m doing tomorrow too.
Funny story about Prozac: so all my psych meds have killed my libido, right? But prozac. Prozac gave me physically numb ladybits. It was… interesting. (I know it’s tmi but I have to tell someone)
Thanks for the update. It’s OK to tell us anything you want. The Toast is a safe place. Yeah, while on Prozac I had to deliberately put my hand on my ladybits to remind my brain that they were still part of me. I get it, is what I’m saying. That, and you’re not alone.
Hi! I’m sorry, I just wanted to say hang in there.
Toasties, my boss got arrested on Wednesday. The police executed a search warrant at the office, and took several of the computers, the server, and my boss. So, in addition to not having half of the ownership around to help us figure things out and sell stoves, we don’t have the server, which is where we keep our accounting software, templates for all the letters and emails we send out, and .pdfs of our pricing documents and manuals. That also caused the internet to be out this morning, which really limited our effectiveness.
Oh, and my boss and I go to church together, so there’s really very little I can say to my church friends about what’s going on, since that’s all kinds of awkward. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Aaaand the media is naming the business, since the warrant was served here (I would like, at this time, to state that none of the stuff being investigated is actually related to the business). So that’s going to suck for us.
Wooooooow. That’s bananas. What was the arrest for?
Solicitation of a minor! Which may or may not have happened, I have no idea, not even dealing with my boss’s personal life. But damnit, he was illegally living above the store, so we’re fucking in this up to our necks. Jesus Christ, I hate everything.
BTW, I’d brought my own laptop with me so I could do some work for my other job (I create the Sunday bulletins for my church) after work, and the police really, really tried to seize my laptop. It took some doing to keep that from happening.
Oh man – that sounds really intense! I hope you have a nice weekend!
Our priest just sent an email to the congregation about it, since boss man was a youth leader at church for awhile D:
Choir rehearsal on Sunday’s gonna just be the best.
My work friend is SO STRANGE! One moment, we’re all buddy-buddy and drinking wine together Friday afternoons, and the next she is throwing me under the bus. It’s sad, but I know I can’t trust her anymore. I’m not going to confront her on it, but jeez…
But at least I got my tickets to Chicago for St. Patty’s weekend! Anyone have recommendations? I’m super pumped, having never been to Chicago before. Can’t wait to see the green water!
Boo, I had a work friend do a similar thing, and it sucksssssss. Wah.
How do baby shower gifts work if the baby is already born? I am invited to a friend’s baby shower, but her twins were born two months ago and she has no registry. I’m a little unsure of what to get her, then, since I figure anything she needs she probably already has. I suppose I could get her a giftcard to a restaurant, although she lives in an area where she can’t get delivery so I don’t know how useful that would be.
What about a gift card to Amazon or Target or something where she can get baby supplies?
Since she has all the newborn stuff, could you get her something that will be useful when the babies get a teensy bit older? Like baby clothes in the next size up from newborn, or bibs, or whatever else it is that slightly older babies need?
Size 9-12 month clothes, target-type gift cards, or a big pile of books – all things she’ll need at some point.
Diapers diapers diapers!
had “given all of his cash to some yelling guy outside the train station”
??????? why would anyone do this, let alone tell their date about it?
LADY LIBERTITTY REPORT.
So, my burlesque course is SO FUN. It’s so great you guys. I have two minutes of my solo act choreographed, and it’s boss. We had a photo shoot this week that left me so jazzed I couldn’t sleep for hours.
Also, I had planned to tell NO ONE at work that I am becoming an amateur stripper, but I have a huge mouth and so have already told two people.
If you were going to strip in public for the first time, who would you invite to come see you? I’ve basically been inviting all my non-work friends, and telling them that it’s their call whether they want to see my boobs and butt or not. There are a few dude friends who I would rather not have there, but man, I’m taking off my clothes in public, it’s not exactly my call, is it?
When I was twelve or so and insisted on a bra more supportive than the training bras I was busting out of, my mother (punitively, because she was jealous/disapproving/batshit) took me to one of those “professional” places where surly Soviet grandmas outfit other surly Soviet grandmas in steel-reinforced band-aid-colored bras. (My two choices were “remain an unthreatening preadolescent with no physical changes” or “be a horrible shallow twit who somehow threatens my existence and Needs To Be Punished by virtue of having boobs that need support.” The punishment was having the most ugly, depressing, inappropriate-for-a-young-teenager bras she could find.) Anyway, the smallest size in the store was 36C, and they “measured” me and that’s what I got. For the next 15 years, I would buy 36C bras that gave me the shallowest quadraboob I could find (because they always gave me one), and wonder why my boobs were so sadly misshapen as to never fit in bras (I got measured again at Victoria’s Secret, where they’re as unscrupulously sale-oriented as at the Soviet Grandma bra store). If I ran or did other physical activity, my boobs would sometimes literally slither out the bottom of the band. Anyway, one day, shortly after moving to Toronto, sweating in my 36C-bra-plus-sports-bra combo that I usually wore, I was reading Kate Harding’s website and someone mentioned Secrets From Your Sister. I ran over there as fast as I could and found that I was a 32.5 F, which explained a lot, but should wear 34F. It was revolutionary, though it meant that I no longer fit into my tops, since I could only fit into the clothes that fit my relatively narrow torso by smashing ’em flat. And I only have half the migraines now without the pressure on my shoulders, which have deep grooves from decades of 36C bras. Now, post-pregnancy, I noticed my four-year-old bras disintegrating, and went to a similar store, where they told me I’m actually a 32H. My dreams of ever fitting into a bra in a “normal” store receded into nothingness, but it’s great to be comfortable. Now if I could only find some affordable clothes to go over them! I’m probably going to have to up my sewing game, since I have a button-down fixation.
ETA: This was supposed to go in the Bra Thread, but it didn’t (thanks IntenseDebate!).
Has anyone ever built a house? Like not DIY, but with contractors and stuff, but from scratch. And/or does anyone have experience with panelized construction? I need a goddamn house already but don’t even know where to start. Anybody?
(octopoda I haven’t emailed your friend yet, I will though!)
Please do! I think he’d be a great help. Good luck!
Built a townhouse in DC. Built a modular in Massachusetts. The builder and his reputation is where you start. If we ever move back to the DC area, we are contacting the builder again. Winchester Homes is fantastic. The Massachusetts builder was indicted for federal crimes related to his bribery and building fraud two years after we moved in. So we had nowhere to take requests for corrections. He’s going to federal prison; why should he respond to my complaint? And you want to visit the building site daily. You get a better product if they know you’re watching. How can I help?
Ah, yay, thanks! The cursèd RV in which I dwell is parked like a hundred feet from the building site, so presence shouldn’t be a problem, at least.
Would love to hear your experience with the modular (other than, you know, the fraud). Shall we take it to email? lauren at myusername dot com.
I know people who built a FirstDay cottage and it’s gorgeous. It’s a kit, they ship you the wood, you (or your contractors) build.
Hey, that’s a good lead! Thanks!
You can ask if First Day have any references you can contact within driving distance, they’re quite supportive; and there are a ton of online forum posts where people give tips on modifications they did to the base design, how much they spent on the non-kit part of building (foundations, plumbing), advice on heating, etc. Definitely worth a look; at least you might get some ideas.
Blizzard story: well, after watching all of Manhattan collectively freak out about THE BLIZZARD OF THE CENTURY, with words like “historic” and “paralyzing” being thrown around on the news, I woke up on Tuesday morning to…a few inches of snow. Very pretty, but nowhere near what we were predicted to get. But I got a day off work, so I basically stayed home all day and made banana bread and did very little else. Plus now my pantry is extra-stocked because I succumbed to the mass “run to the grocery store and buy snacks like your life depends on it!” panic.
Oh and also thanks to all the Toasties who gave me advice about going/not going to friend’s wedding full of crazy people who hate me. I let him know I wouldn’t be going, that my partner would still be there and in the wedding party, and he — get this — hasn’t said anything to ME but has talked to my partner about it. Sheesh. On the plus side, some reading about narcissistic parents has helped make some sense of the whole thing.
This afternoon just turned into my happiest day of the year, because I freakin love audiobooks so much & the whole point of writing books is to listen to other people do a stellar job reading them in my headphones, and today my first novel is out in audio and the narration is gorgeous and I can neither think nor speak of anything else. http://adbl.co/1DfqeQH
Plus I had a bagel dog for lunch. So. Perfect day, here.
I just bought the kindle version of your book. Perfect snowy weekend fare it seems.
Awww, thanks! I hope you enjoy it. Stay warm.
Congratulations! Audiobooks are indeed the best!!
Congratulations! I am proud to internet-know you.
I’m nervous, since I will be hanging out with a kinda-new group of people this weekend. I think they are great and I really want to make them my friends, but I’m stressing about how to achieve the exact right level of fun & cool and not come off as too excitable. I swear, it’s harder to prep for first “friend date” than first “romantic date.” Making new friends as an adult is so. hard.
I hear you. It’s harder BUT I think it has a better chance of going well, since with dating people are usually looking for one person (or a small number of multiple people) but with friends you can kind of keep all the ones you like. Good luck!
In my defense (not that I have much of one right now), she says a lot of this stuff like she’s joking. Cutesy hashtags are often involved. But there was something about that post in particular that made me realize… oh. She’s serious. She really does screenshot that shit.
And tbh, one of the reasons I tried to work it out with her is so I could look out for her other friends (including the one urging me to reconcile.) Which sounds kind of insane when I write it out like that. Um.
Thank you all so much for your comments, I feel 400% less alone now.
Your boundaries are yours alone to draw. I’m sorry this is so hard. 🙁
As another bi woman new to dating women, I would just like to say thanks for your awesome attitude about the legitimacy of that experience. 🙂 And I’d like to second chnellociraptor’s advice too. Try not to stress about it! Even if the experience doesn’t happen to be earth-shattering, her sexual orientation will totally be okay.
ETA: this is a reply to Passing_Strange in the online dating thread, in case it doesn’t show up there.
Latest installment(s) in the saga of MmeSiniichulok’s AWOL Periods (and thanks for the kind comment last week–I wanted to answer you but my computer got the vapors when I opened the Toast page): I had an ultrasound for my giant fibroid today as part of the process to see if it’s somehow the cause, or to see what’s going on down there, and it was in a hospital that did not suck (a first!), with a nice technician (also a first!) who told me my ovaries look normal before stopping herself and saying she was not the doctor and was not supposed to say anything. Then, nobody called me in right afterwards or called me on the telephone for the past few hours, so I’m cautiously optimistic that it’s not that much of a big deal (fingers crossed).
Then, M. Siniichulok and I talked with my MIL on Skype. My MIL, at my request, brought my photo (taken by instagram and sent to my BIL, who kept saying “no, not that one…not that one, I can’t see your eyes well enough…OK, I guess that one’s OK…”) to a local shaman for a diagnosis. (That’s standard procedure where they live, though it’s usually face-to-face.) She didn’t tell the shaman anything about me. The shaman said that I’m very healthy with absolutely no sickness at all, and that my problem is that I have something “at my waist and abdomen” that’s holding me back and making my luck “closed” and causing me sleepless nights and debilitating anxiousness (true enough). That something (culturally specific term) is being caused by the spirits of some religious ancestors of mine who had supernatural powers and are upset at being ignored or not thought of enough.
So I have to find relatives of mine who will have a feast in favor of them and pray for them on my behalf, which will take some explaining, and M. Siniichulok and I have to make fried-bread offerings and have a feast of our own and read the Koran. Then, everything will be fine. (If it’s not done, then it’ll be business as usual.) The shaman was right about a) the location of my health issue, b) my general state, even though I made myself as poker-faced and neutral in the photo as I could, and c) about my ancestors, who were pretty religious, and d) my being disconnected from them. So we’re going to do it. It can’t hurt, anyway.
I’m sorry to hear about your health issues, but I think your approach is good. It sounds really interesting, and what can it harm, acknowledging where you come from and trying to clear some bad energy? Let us know how it goes.
Noooooooo don’t be demotivated!
Seriously, you do you. I have been on and off OKC a million times and literally the only thing that has actually worked for me and brought me some measure of success is actually wanting to go on dates. If it’s something you’re forcing yourself to do, it’s the literal worst. No matter how perfect your profile, you’ll hear from way too many crazies and not enough from the people you actually want to meet. Never feel obligated to exchange messages with someone you’re not immediately interested in.
My current “About Me” section is almost painfully earnest, which is not normally my style; it was the last part of my profile I filled in, and I felt like the rest was peppered with enough weirdness and sarcasm that I could just honestly list a bunch of things I like and not worry about it. YMMV, but I hate when people go overboard on showing how cool and above it all they are with their profiles.
I recommend “Modern Dating: A Field Guide” by Chiara Atik for some good, solid advice for online dating. It is definitely geared toward women looking to date men, but a lot of the tips are practical, easy-to-follow, and will still make you sound like you. Alternatively, just google Chiara Atik — she’s really great.
Have fun!
Librarian problems: I am in the middle of a project that requires me to go through every one of our 20,000+ fiction books and evaluate them by subject. There are SO MANY BOOKS I WANT TO READ, and I’m only to McPhee.
How do you all handle the endless desire for new books? Alternatively, are there really people out there who do not have this problem?
I handle it by making yearly pilgrimages to the Cathedral of Powell’s Books, wherein I make my sacrifices and leave blessed with more Holy Objects (i.e.: BOOKS).
Any Toasties in RI? Anyone want to plan a get-together and/or can anyone make a doctor recommendation? I really dislike my current doctor.
So today I went to the dentist, reminder card in hand, to get my new crown on the tooth I broke two and half weeks ago and when I got there it was closed. Called to see if they were out to lunch, but the message said they should have been back from lunch 30 min before my appointment. Waited around (in the car, it’s warm for January here in SLC, but still, January) for 30 minutes and no one showed up. Went back to work super pissed and still missing most of a tooth. What kind of dentist no shows an appointment?
Also, I have major dental anxiety and was in a panic about being at the dentist for two days, and now it was for nothing and I’ll have to do it all over again. I go to this dentist because he specializes in sedation, which is the only way for me to get through a dental appointment at all.
Oh that is total bullshit! I am so sorry about the terribleness. I can’t believe that they didn’t call you once they finally made it back to their office. I totally feel you RE: dental anxiety and will be sending good vibes your way.
I know this is late, but I just want to say, I understand! The only dentist who’s ever understood my dental anxiety happened to be several months pregnant. I had two appointments with her and she prescribed me some super heavy duty anxiety meds. I was so proud of myself for making the third and final appointment and figuring stuff out with insurance and everything. I get to the appointment, totally doped up on the anxiety meds, and the secretary goes… “Umm.. no… you definitely don’t have an appointment, because Dentist just had her baby yesterday..” I go… “WTF, yes I have an appt…” and the secretary says, “huh, you’re right, you are pencilled in here, I knew they should have fired the other receptionist.” And I have not been back to the dentist since, and that was five years ago. IT SUCKS. However, I do not recommend avoidance. Get back ASAP. Write back on here if you need moral support!
Sometimes social media stuff is just too emotionally draining for me. You follow a person who mostly posts fun stuff and some good social commentary and they make a comment about something in the world that could perhaps have been better stated or more thoughtful. Sadly, however, then everyone piles on that comment with so much vitriol that you feel like you can’t support those people, even if what they are saying has a lot of merit. And then you close tumblr and look at baby animal pictures instead.
CHICAGO TOASTIES!
Meetup, Rogers Park Social, Sunday, February 15, 7:00.
Right near the Morse stop on the Red Line.
All of what you said is helpful, but when you said: “seeing a plate of food and understanding it in terms of energy value” … this will help me psychologically retool how I’m thinking about this diet, going from thinking of it in terms of it being a deprivation and hardship and instead, seeing food as necessary to keep me going during the day with the energy it supplies.
I mean, I think you’ve helped me over a big mind-game hurdle here with my relationship with food. I’m a little stunned by my “oh my god my head just exploded” reaction, but I’m lucid enough to say thank you for this.
You might find some of the writing at The Fat Nutritionist useful in terms of reworking your relationship to food: http://www.fatnutritionist.com
Thank you! And yes, completely agree about feminist fatigue and feeling like you're starting arguments even though you don't want to have an argument at all; you just want to feel free to point out when stuff is gross, because it should be pointed out.
"'Erbs" is the older pronunciation. At some point the Brits decided to deliberately start pronouncing the H in order to sound less French, but the US had already stopped paying attention to both the British and the French at that point, so we kept saying it the way we'd always been saying it.
Oh Fox, how could you do that to me when I am so fond of you? Well, I still like you anyways.
And did you see it's right here on our beloved Toast? Today's post about snoring includes this: "So there she was, a red mark on her forehead from where she made contact with the wall, laying unconscious on the floor…."
I think I need to *lie* down now.
Cool, thank you! I think I will add it to my wishlist.
Hey – are you around next week? want to breakfast or coffee or something convivial?