Men love to share their bathroom pics
Are these to be admired?
Self-portraits of Toms, Harrys, Dicks
Leave much to be desired
A scowl doesn’t turn me on
That grin seems insincere
They say choose brains instead of brawn
But you’ve got neither, dear.
Who’s that girl?
Which one are you?
Your mother’s cute
Will she come too?
Oh good, a troupe of improv actors
Bully, you’re with the band
Stage lights, and sweat (and other factors)
My ship may go unmanned
A motorcycle? Say, that’s rich.
I find your taste deplorable
Your dog looks like a little bitch
And your children are adorable
Oh, you ski?
And yoga too?
You ran a race?
Well, pour me two
The drink of choice for many lad
Is canned beer at the bar
Weak and pale and cheap and sad
Is not just PBR
Rock-hard hair and fake teeth flashing
A gold chain just for show
You think your suit makes you look dashing
I’m running faster, though
Tiger-petter
Costumed guy
Burning men
Need not apply
Moustache and trilby are the norm
A beard paired with a glower
Dear God, I swear that I’ll reform
If these hipsters ever shower
On and on through endless gents
Their horrid faces blending
But no one hearing my laments
Takes the fun from condescending
Oh, God, who’s next?
Of course, my ex
It’s just tonight…
Perhaps…swipe right
Tags: dorothy parker, heather alexander, humor, online dating, poetry, tinder
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YES.
Honestly, I love this so much. The most poetic exchange I’ve ever had on Tinder was the following:
Dude: Let’s fuck
Me: Let’s not.
This is wonderful.
“Who’s that girl?
Which one are you?”
Why do they do that? WHY? “I OBVIOUSLY CAN’T RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW YOU!” Sometimes it’s three to five photos, all of the same two or three women.
Do the guys do that too? Yeah, I’m sure they do.
The rock climbing. Christ…….the rock climbing.
Dammit, I just wanna be Robert Benchley, not Davy Crockett.
“But no one hearing my laments
Takes the fun from condescending”
My friends enjoy my reviews of OkCupid profiles on Facebook. They’re very sympathetic. And married.
(I only hear contemporary pop radio in my doctor’s office, my dentist’s office and liquor stores. I try to not be in any of them too frequently…though at least there’s a chance of hearing classic rock depending on the liquor stores. There’s no chance of escape when I’m getting a cleaning) (my doctor’s office used to play the contemporary Christian station–I feel like it’s been a lateral move)
Mind you, the first thing might be what a guy asks *you*, which is, you know, RUDE. But really…sometimes I really don’t know who I’m supposed to be looking at.
I have to admit to being a fan of rock climbing photos (I climb, though, so I’m biased), but OMG – all the fishing photos. I swear, 2/3 guys on Tinder in my city have pictures with some poor fish.
Samesies. Fish on fish on fish.
This is all kinds of wonderful!
(Nerdy sidenote – would also love to see Plath’s The Applicant redone for the modern age)
Constant Reader passed out from delight.
I feel this on a deep emotional level.
I feel this on a deep emotional level.
<img src="https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8360/8289174602_7562bf3f0c.jpg">
Honestly, I love this so much. The most poetic exchange I've ever had on Tinder was the following:
Dude: Let's fuck
Me: Let's not.
so many dudes petting tigers. and holding dead fish. and loving “fitness.”
this was great. fucking great.
this was great. fucking great.
Tiger-petter
Costumed guy
Burning men
Need not apply
I feel like you truly channeled Dorthy Parker here.
This is probably the place tell this story – they used to run this t.v. commercial (maybe for an eye glass chain?) where an attractive woman in glasses asks “who says ‘men don’t makes passes at girls who wear glasses’?” – I always shouted “Dorthy Parker said that!” at my tv, but the pretty tv lady never heard me.
Tiger-petter
Costumed guy
Burning men
Need not apply
I feel like you truly channeled Dorthy Parker here.
This is probably the place tell this story – they used to run this t.v. commercial (maybe for an eye glass chain?) where an attractive woman in glasses asks "who says 'men don't makes passes at girls who wear glasses'?" – I always shouted "Dorthy Parker said that!" at my tv, but the pretty tv lady never heard me.
Tinder is the cruelest app, trotting out
a tawdry parade of selfsame selfies.
Call it a Duckface Grotesquerie–
all plumped, painted lips;
heaving chests, mirror moves…
While the spiritually inclined trade in
Yoga poses of studied serenity,
the wacky ones outfit themselves as
apocalyptic zombies, the insecure trumpet
Ivy educations, and the worldly rattle off
lists of far-flung locales visited.
Why doesn’t anyone tell them–?
A love of job, friends, family, self
is admirable but wholly unoriginal–
As are platitudes like
“Work hard, play hard.”
And the queue of exes. Oh, the exes.
I wish they all moved to Texas.
nice poem. write about some dating apps
That was a great poem! 🙂