The Reasons That Everything Happens For, In Order -The Toast

Everything happens for a reason. Here are the fifteen reasons things happen for.

1. The universe is completely indifferent to your desires.

2. She hates you.

3. Terminal velocity applies to everything.

4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.

5. Unhappy people behave badly towards others.

6. Thermodynamics, probably.

7. You made a bad decision.

8. You got unlucky.

9. You got lucky.

10. It was your turn.

11. Something about cell division.

12. Why not?

13. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

14. There’s a good one, but nobody knows what it is.

15. They were a bad person, and you were nearby.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+179 Vote up Vote down

wheelofthyme · 519 weeks ago

I would respectfully submit "you knew you shouldn't eat that and you did anyway," which accounts for a sad number of happenings in my life. Although often this is covered by "you weren't paying attention and time only moves in one direction."

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+60 Vote up Vote down

Eris · 519 weeks ago

This is a lot more comprehensive than I thought it'd be.

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+12 Vote up Vote down

hungrybug · 519 weeks ago

13 is probably my go-to for everything.

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+109 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 519 weeks ago

Witches.

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4 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

Laine · 519 weeks ago

Bad Vibes Have Been Placed On You And Your Family.

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+123 Vote up Vote down

MameDC 130p · 519 weeks ago

Jesus Mallory, you are like if Mad Magazine and the Dalai Lama had a baby.

(In a good way)

(I have never read Mad Magazine)

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+11 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 519 weeks ago

My personal favorite reason is "band gaps."

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+24 Vote up Vote down

CleverManka 143p · 519 weeks ago

I can think of an instance of something happening to me that fits every single one of these. Things always happen to me. I swear sometimes I'm my own Truman Show.

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+19 Vote up Vote down

Social · 519 weeks ago

Astrology. There's always some weird shit happening up there.

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+25 Vote up Vote down

rookstone 136p · 519 weeks ago

Stupid jerkface universe.

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+148 Vote up Vote down

Munchlette_Belle · 519 weeks ago

I was literally thinking about people saying "everything happens for a reason" this morning. Which I have not always bought into, especially when people say it about really horrible things, like the death of a child or something equally awful.

But... Remember Michael Jordan, the basketball player? And how he was really good at basketball? But then decided one day that he would stop playing basketball and would instead play baseball? And how collectively, as a nation, we were all like, "Whaaaat? Why?!" And then he wasn't even that good at baseball, which just made everything even more awkward.

But you guys. If all of that that hadn't happened... The movie Space Jam might not exist.

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1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

jenavira 117p · 519 weeks ago

#13 seems to cover about 90% of it, really.

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+37 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 519 weeks ago

Oh, Mallory.

The reason things happen is because I (wonderful me) am the centre of the universe. When I am sad, bad things happen. When I am happy, good things. When this does NOT work, obviously it is because I have upset the universe.

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+9 Vote up Vote down

deleted182847 101p · 519 weeks ago

" There’s a good one, but nobody knows what it is."

See: Superman III; Why Pip and Jane Baker were ever allowed to write Doctor Who; putting k.d. lang's far, FAR superior Bond theme over the end credits

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+17 Vote up Vote down

Gzortenplatz 104p · 519 weeks ago

I intend to print multiple copies of this, and hand one out, without comment, to every single person who drives me smack out my mind with their "everything happens for a reason" mantra. Thank you Mallory, this may save me from going to jail for committing mayhem.

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2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

miprisci 132p · 519 weeks ago

Why is #6 all the way down at #6? That's arguably the only reason anything happens.

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+63 Vote up Vote down

aqwaplop 143p · 519 weeks ago

I'm reminded of this classic John Darnielle tweet:

"Everything happens for a reason. A single, monolithic, terrifying, dark, secret reason."

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+17 Vote up Vote down

halloweenjack64 115p · 519 weeks ago

Everybody plays the fool, sometimes; ain't no exceptions to the rule.

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1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

knittingBAMF 102p · 519 weeks ago

This needs to be one of those notepads with a checklist, so that when someone asks why something happened you can tell them.

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+12 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 519 weeks ago

Everything Reasons for a Happens

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2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

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OriginalShakti 117p · 519 weeks ago

It's Ironic.

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+4 Vote up Vote down

badmuthahydra 131p · 519 weeks ago

Because capitalism!

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+1 Vote up Vote down

Ellen W. · 519 weeks ago

#15 covers so, so much.

My mother is very fond of #5 and #6. I feel they are the crucial parts of the Accepting The Things I Cannot Change project.

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+15 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 519 weeks ago

16. It's just because of your fundamental failures as a person.

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1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

CremeBrulee · 519 weeks ago

The only time I've ever claimed to believe "everything happens for a reason" is when I was trying to justify getting involved in something I should have stayed out of.

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+28 Vote up Vote down

katenepveu 98p · 519 weeks ago

My favorite variant on #6 is:

"Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics."
--@NightValeRadio, April 17, 2014

(Which I could never say to anyone who says it to me, because they're trying to be comforting and it would be an asshole move, but WOW I want to sometimes.)

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1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

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LeastBittern 120p · 519 weeks ago

Once when I was in college I needed to buy a pregnancy test, and the cashier started to pressure me to, you know, keep the theoretical pregnancy because said cashier was unable to have kids, children are a blessing, etc.

I was young and scared and just generally overwhelmed, so I said "Oh, I know, it'll be hard, but everything happens for a reason, there's a plan." And that is the only time I've used that shitty shitty sentence as a justification for anything; escaping from an asshole who wanted to make me feel WORSE when I was not doing great.

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2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

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neuromanticism 114p · 519 weeks ago

"4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction."

The merciless directionality of time is my SINGLE WORST ENEMY in life, right after my ability to pay attention

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1 reply · active 519 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

Ronit · 519 weeks ago

4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.

This is the most important thing I've learned between the ages of 20 and 30.

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+18 Vote up Vote down

roboticaquatic 87p · 519 weeks ago

My little cousin posted a status update that said "Everything happens for a reason <3" and a boy replied "oh yeah? what reason is that?" and she said "deez nuts!" I'm so proud of her.

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MsFern · 519 weeks ago

Why does the toast not have an online store so that I may purchase this in poster form? Woe is me.

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+2 Vote up Vote down

Perdita McLeod 112p · 519 weeks ago

Mallory. Nobody gets me the way you do.

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+1 Vote up Vote down

poletopole · 519 weeks ago

May I have this on a tee shirt, please? thank you

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MaladyDee 86p · 519 weeks ago

I'm going to write this out in big gorgeous calligraphy and put it on my wall.

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+4 Vote up Vote down

MeinFurrier 72p · 519 weeks ago

I thought it was "anything can happen with a razor"

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+2 Vote up Vote down

dominicfox 0p · 519 weeks ago

Aliens.

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0 Vote up Vote down

Givesgoodemail · 519 weeks ago

A corollary to #1: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. (Larry Niven)

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elle · 518 weeks ago

I would like to suggest entropy as the number one -- and, possibly, only -- reason. When entropy gets too great, I just move, change my name, and start over.

The Reasons That Everything Happens For, In Order

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

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