Everything happens for a reason. Here are the fifteen reasons things happen for.
1. The universe is completely indifferent to your desires.
2. She hates you.
3. Terminal velocity applies to everything.
4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.
5. Unhappy people behave badly towards others.
6. Thermodynamics, probably.
7. You made a bad decision.
8. You got unlucky.
9. You got lucky.
10. It was your turn.
11. Something about cell division.
12. Why not?
13. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
14. There’s a good one, but nobody knows what it is.
15. They were a bad person, and you were nearby.
Tags: everything happens for a reason, humor, reasons, that’s all the tags i can think of
I would respectfully submit “you knew you shouldn’t eat that and you did anyway,” which accounts for a sad number of happenings in my life. Although often this is covered by “you weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.”
This is a lot more comprehensive than I thought it’d be.
13 is probably my go-to for everything.
Witches.
Pocket witches, to be specific.
It could be bunnies.
It’s never lepus.
…I’ll show myself out. *cough*
My scapegoat for everything I can’t explain is “a wizard who doesn’t like me.”
Bad Vibes Have Been Placed On You And Your Family.
Jesus Mallory, you are like if Mad Magazine and the Dalai Lama had a baby.
(In a good way)
(I have never read Mad Magazine)
My personal favorite reason is “band gaps.”
I can think of an instance of something happening to me that fits every single one of these. Things always happen to me. I swear sometimes I’m my own Truman Show.
Astrology. There’s always some weird shit happening up there.
Stupid jerkface universe.
I was literally thinking about people saying “everything happens for a reason” this morning. Which I have not always bought into, especially when people say it about really horrible things, like the death of a child or something equally awful.
But… Remember Michael Jordan, the basketball player? And how he was really good at basketball? But then decided one day that he would stop playing basketball and would instead play baseball? And how collectively, as a nation, we were all like, “Whaaaat? Why?!” And then he wasn’t even that good at baseball, which just made everything even more awkward.
But you guys. If all of that that hadn’t happened… The movie Space Jam might not exist.
Perfect.
#13 seems to cover about 90% of it, really.
Oh, Mallory.
The reason things happen is because I (wonderful me) am the centre of the universe. When I am sad, bad things happen. When I am happy, good things. When this does NOT work, obviously it is because I have upset the universe.
” There’s a good one, but nobody knows what it is.”
See: Superman III; Why Pip and Jane Baker were ever allowed to write Doctor Who; putting k.d. lang’s far, FAR superior Bond theme over the end credits
I intend to print multiple copies of this, and hand one out, without comment, to every single person who drives me smack out my mind with their “everything happens for a reason” mantra. Thank you Mallory, this may save me from going to jail for committing mayhem.
what are you going to do to the people who say “it is what it is”
murder?
Why is #6 all the way down at #6? That’s arguably the only reason anything happens.
I’m reminded of this classic John Darnielle tweet:
“Everything happens for a reason. A single, monolithic, terrifying, dark, secret reason.”
Everybody plays the fool, sometimes; ain’t no exceptions to the rule.
*doot doot doot*
I’m old: Everyone Plays the Fool
Cuba Gooding Sr schooled Cuba Gooding Sr.
This needs to be one of those notepads with a checklist, so that when someone asks why something happened you can tell them.
Everything Reasons for a Happens
Happenings Are Everything
Reasoning is Happening
It’s Ironic.
Because capitalism!
#15 covers so, so much.
My mother is very fond of #5 and #6. I feel they are the crucial parts of the Accepting The Things I Cannot Change project.
16. It’s just because of your fundamental failures as a person.
The only time I’ve ever claimed to believe “everything happens for a reason” is when I was trying to justify getting involved in something I should have stayed out of.
My favorite variant on #6 is:
“Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.”
–@NightValeRadio, April 17, 2014
(Which I could never say to anyone who says it to me, because they’re trying to be comforting and it would be an asshole move, but WOW I want to sometimes.)
That is so, so good. I feel like maybe that deserves to be on a pillow.
Once when I was in college I needed to buy a pregnancy test, and the cashier started to pressure me to, you know, keep the theoretical pregnancy because said cashier was unable to have kids, children are a blessing, etc.
I was young and scared and just generally overwhelmed, so I said “Oh, I know, it’ll be hard, but everything happens for a reason, there’s a plan.” And that is the only time I’ve used that shitty shitty sentence as a justification for anything; escaping from an asshole who wanted to make me feel WORSE when I was not doing great.
<cough> This article is great though! None of the shitty minimizing at all! Makes the shitty minimizing apparent!
Best response. “I’m buying it for my grandmother.’
“4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.”
The merciless directionality of time is my SINGLE WORST ENEMY in life, right after my ability to pay attention
Right? Stupid linearity.
4. You weren’t paying attention and time only moves in one direction.
This is the most important thing I’ve learned between the ages of 20 and 30.
My little cousin posted a status update that said “Everything happens for a reason <3” and a boy replied “oh yeah? what reason is that?” and she said “deez nuts!” I’m so proud of her.
Why does the toast not have an online store so that I may purchase this in poster form? Woe is me.
Mallory. Nobody gets me the way you do.
May I have this on a tee shirt, please? thank you
I’m going to write this out in big gorgeous calligraphy and put it on my wall.
I thought it was “anything can happen with a razor”
Aliens.
A corollary to #1: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. (Larry Niven)
No, probably the Calvinist Option. Catholic Option is you haven't been trying to fix your fundamental failures hard enough.
I would like to suggest entropy as the number one — and, possibly, only — reason. When entropy gets too great, I just move, change my name, and start over.
The above…..proof that we are lost in the woods.