Like me, you have a great deal of trouble frying eggs, but are not currently in the market for egg-frying advice. (I am not in the market for egg-frying advice; I am too contrary by half for it at the moment, probably due to a lack of choline.) They dribble out into enormous white pancakes no matter how hot you make the flame, and no matter how many wee saucers you crack the eggs into first before gently insinuating them onto the pan. Frying eggs is useless and impossible. Here, specifically, is a very particular way not to fry eggs.

Do not turn your stove on over medium-high heat and let a pat of butter come to a sizzle in your skillet. Then, do not crack two medium eggs into the widest coffee cup you own. After this, you are by no means to slam the coffee cup face-down onto the skillet and hold it there for forty-five seconds in an attempt to contain your egg whites-spreading problem without buying an egg ring.

Remember that you are still a worthwhile and a vibrant person.

Finally, do not lift your coffee cup only to find that a ring of half-congealed egg whites have stuck to it and are ripping the sodden remains of your egg yolks (still in the pan, sundered yet unwilling to completely sever themselves from their albumenic counterparts) in half.

If, against my advice, you have done this, all that is left is to use a fork to tear away the useless whites and salvage what is essentially two yolks in a tiny white frame. Put it on bread, or don’t. You will find that somehow you have managed to cook the yolks almost entirely through, rendering them pointless, while bits of the white remain translucent. Why. Why. Why. Why are eggs composed of two diametrically opposed components that require two completely apposite methods of cooking?

While you are doing this, which I do not advise, also do not clean the pork bones from last night’s dinner off the plate you eat breakfast from. You do not deserve a new plate. Go back to bed.