I Love 2012. So I Decided To Live In It. -The Toast

I Love 2012. So I Decided To Live In It.

ByJesse Berney

on September 10, 2015 in Humor

Previously by Jesse Berney: The Other Avengers Are Pretty Busy Right Now

No one knows better than I do how cruel society can be to those who choose not to conform to its mores. My wife and I have chosen to live our lives strictly as though it were the year 2012, and we face near constant mocking of our uncompromising lifestyle.

The looks I get when people see me using my iPhone 5 are deeply hurtful. I can see the judgment in their eyes.

They look at my slightly unfashionable clothes and see a freak. But I am no freak, just a man who chooses to live in a simpler, more innocent time, a time when abortion was slightly more accessible in several states.

Yes, our choices come with sacrifice. When I went to HR to complain that my coworkers were creating a hostile work environment by discussing Seasons 6 and 7 of Mad Men — seasons that literally don’t exist in the world I choose to live in — I was met with disbelief and derision.

I don’t need your fancy modern technology. My 2012 Mazda gets us around just fine. Our high-definition, flat-screen television isn’t curved, but we manage.

Do you think it’s easy maintaining a lifestyle so different from yours? You think we don’t face challenges? I want to make jokes about how it’s the year in Back to the Future Part II, just like you do. I’d like to support someone for President other than Barack Obama.

Your social life is probably full of hot new restaurants and the latest movies. Not us. If we want to go on a date, we have to choose a place that’s successful enough to have been around for at least three years. The movies we watch are all on Netflix — and that means the DVDs come in the mail. (Streaming was available in 2012, but it’s really hard to keep track of what was available to stream back then.)

Yes, we have to make a few concessions to live in the modern world. We do our best to ignore our son, born in 2013, but the law requires us to feed and clothe him. Society’s cruel discrimination against us means that our six-year-old daughter was moved up from preschool against our wishes.

But we soldier on, committed to our 2012 lifestyle.

Are we better than you for choosing to live this way? No. Well, maybe a little. We are definitely not worse than you, and we are sick of being treated like pariahs just because we choose to live in a time different from yours.

The year of the London Olympics. The year Christopher Nolan’s vision for Batman came to a close. Benghazi. Clearly 2012 was the peak of human civilization, and I for one refuse to move on.

Jesse Berney is senior editor of Blue Nation Review and a stand-up comedian in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter at @jesseberney.

Comments (83)

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+113 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 499 weeks ago

This could not be more perfect.

+200 Vote up Vote down

kilks401 119p · 499 weeks ago

"a time when abortion was slightly more accessible in several states." lolsob and too real

3 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+155 Vote up Vote down

houblonchouffe 123p · 499 weeks ago

Okay but I'll grant him the London Olympics though

9 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+87 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 499 weeks ago

Modern society is just full of throwaway things, and no one cares where their technology comes from. I take pride in being able to fix my iPhone and my laptop by myself, instead of just buying a new one every few months.

2 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+226 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 499 weeks ago

pls note i used a gif from the 2012 olympics to conform to your lifestyle choices

1 reply · active 499 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

v_d_budenmayer 127p · 499 weeks ago

SO BEAUTIFUL, SO PERFECT

+83 Vote up Vote down

thebellewitch 122p · 499 weeks ago

Ehhhh, do we have to support someone else for president other than Barack Obama? I think I'm going to join you in 2012, when at least the idea of Donald Trump as a frontrunner had not occurred to America as a whole.

(Sorry, spoiler alert for 2015.)

4 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+161 Vote up Vote down

ughanothername 132p · 499 weeks ago

I'm a devout believer in Always Live in the Present and your past lifestyle is oppressing me and infringing my Constitutional rights.

1 reply · active 499 weeks ago

+41 Vote up Vote down

Merripat 115p · 499 weeks ago

Wouldn't want to live in 2012. 2013, yeah, in an instant, but 2012? Never. You're a weirdo.

+18 Vote up Vote down

crabbysister5 · 499 weeks ago

I only wish I had the willpower and fortitude to live my life with as much conviction as you.

+197 Vote up Vote down

bibliophibian 116p · 499 weeks ago

Sorry to spoil the party, guys, but there was no Toast in 2012.

6 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

squishycatmew 99p · 499 weeks ago

Beauty.

+61 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 499 weeks ago

But I am no freak, just a man who chooses to live in a simpler, more innocent time, a time when abortion was slightly more accessible in several states.
[harsh laugh, followed by ragged sob]

We do our best to ignore our son, born in 2013, but the law requires us to feed and clothe him.
[cough]

+8 Vote up Vote down

alady · 499 weeks ago

Everything about this is perfect.

+212 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 499 weeks ago

um hey can one of the editors put a trigger warning on the timestamp for this article? I've really had it with The Toast's multiple daily microaggressions against those of us with chronologically different lifestyles.

5 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+72 Vote up Vote down

catweazlol 142p · 499 weeks ago

When I was little and didn't understand the concept of time, I thought that when 1993 ended we would go back to 1990 and just live those three years over and over again forever. Turns out it could be a valid life choice!

5 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+39 Vote up Vote down

bocadelperro 112p · 499 weeks ago

I, too, choose to live in an era where the 49ers are superbowl contenders, Breaking Bad is still airing episodes, and California was just in a "business as usual" drought.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Edie · 499 weeks ago

Isn't ganging up on people online fun?

6 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

lmrrrr 153p · 499 weeks ago

"And now I choose to post these musings on a website that definitely was not around in 2012. You have to draw the line somewhere."

+152 Vote up Vote down

Virginia · 499 weeks ago

Well SOME of us use the iPhone 5 because we suffer from Little Hand Syndrome, which all the perfumes of Arabia cannot sweeten.

*tries to clutch pearls*
*fingers too short to grasp them*

DAMMIT

2 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

MissCrystal 108p · 499 weeks ago

I love you.

+10 Vote up Vote down

megalesias 116p · 499 weeks ago

this is a little bit the opposite, but: taking retro to its logical conclusion

1 reply · active 498 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

rolotomassi5 103p · 498 weeks ago

After going to confirm it on IMDB, 2012 was the year the moviegoing public got introduced to Jessica Chastain, who was in every other movie that came out. I'm in!

+24 Vote up Vote down

Amphora 112p · 498 weeks ago

The last decent Spotify playlist I made was in 2012, so I'm jumping on this bandwagon.

+18 Vote up Vote down

spinstersound · 498 weeks ago

2012 was actually such a fantastic, cool year. i encourage your denial of this current reality 100%. sorry about your son cramping your style.

i personally live in a blending of the years 2007-8, and drink lots of red bull and wear plenty of oversize plastic jewelry and bizarrely athletic clothes to cement my belief. also, sia has not yet written "chandelier", so i will.

+18 Vote up Vote down

spinstersound 97p · 498 weeks ago

2012 was actually such an awesome year. i encourage your denial of this current reality 100%. sorry about your son cramping your style.

i myself live in a blend of the years 2007-8 and drink lots of red bull, wear oversize plastic jewelry and bizarrely athletic clothing to cement this worldview. also, sia has not yet written "chandelier", so i will. be prepared! it shall be fire.

+7 Vote up Vote down

jennycieplak 120p · 498 weeks ago

2012 actually really sucked for me, but I will take the first 6 months of 2013 over any other period in time, ever, because IT WAS AWESOME.

+44 Vote up Vote down

jlper 125p · 498 weeks ago

"Change we literally can't believe in"

+3 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 498 weeks ago

I'm crying from laughter.

+5 Vote up Vote down

PA_Jane 77p · 498 weeks ago

Fuck, I just remembered, I got laid off in 2012. I'll pass.

+11 Vote up Vote down

NotThatAmy 112p · 498 weeks ago

How does the "life is a rich tapestry" tag not have any other articles?!?

Also, are you sure it's okay to post this on The Toast? It wasn't even a thing in 2012?

2 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

chai_party · 498 weeks ago

Between Trump, drought, and the numerous horrible sex abuse scandals in the evangelical world, I for one would be QUITE happy to do a retread of 2012. I think I would appreciate it a great deal more this time. Last time I was a recent homeschool-highschool grad who, while she was NOT quite sure Obama was the Antichrist, was definitely voting resignedly for Mitt.

Anything to avoid a present in which I am trying to resign myself to Trump's winning the primary and perhaps the general election so as to avoid progressive attacks of apoplexy, and a future in which I shall have to confront his telling-it-like-it-is antics with a stiff drink in hand.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Eviec · 498 weeks ago

I love this article and I love all you commenters, whether in this time or others.

+26 Vote up Vote down

30Litresof 132p · 498 weeks ago

GUYS Victorian bullshit lady has sparked a MASSIVE debate on my Facebook on a scale I haven't seen in years, including a man I haven't seen in two years telling me to 'get off your high horse for once' and insulting me at length because my criticisms of this woman were rude(???) I think he wanted me to apologise for being impolite to someone I've never met and thought the best way to achieve this was to be INCREDIBLY rude to me directly.

A lot of strong feelings on this subject, is what I'm saying.

1 reply · active 498 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

mrtafadhali 113p · 498 weeks ago

I both delight in this, and also cannot personally imagine a more gruesome punishment than being forced to live in 2012 for the rest of my life, like I'm pretty sure I had literal nightmares about that while I was tagging my DW posts with "2012 is the apocalypse" and curling up in the foetal position listening to "This Year" by the Mountain Goats on repeat and weeping

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