we don’t have to be
always so much of touching
we could just touch one hand, or none, for a while
touching’s fun but you know what else is fun? not touching
babe
you are SUCH a good kisser
it’s like i don’t even have to give you any kissing tips
but i wonder, just from being curious
what kissing would be like if you weren’t holding my entire throat
like i think it might be really sexy if we tried it
like how i’m not holding your throat at all so you’re just breathing through it normally
like that, but you do it to me
i think it’d be hot
it’s really hard for me to look at the sea while you’re holding my hand
if i tried to make a break for it now
i’d probably get cut on those hedge thorns and he’d be able to follow the blood trail
what I should have done was fled when he left me alone in the library
“mmm, yes dearest, I love these long, silent embraces among the ruins as well”
no, no, you misunderstand
I’m tensing up from joy
you know
how like of when
someone coming up from behind you and unexpectedly grabbing your shoulder makes you so happy you freeze up
please don’t let go until he stops
and you’re sure
you’re sure that this is what kissing is
how many times do I have to tell you, you silly goose
kissing is when men stay as far away from their girlfriends as possible and only touch the very edge of their skirts
while their girlfriends get to keep embroidering in peace
and you don’t actually touch me
right, right
sorry
it’s all right
silly goose
oh no
she definitely wants to talk to you
this is just a condition my arm has
sorry!!!! idk why its like that haha
maybe try again later when my arm isn’t doing that thing where it pushes you away so much
ahh it’s SO GOOD, babe!!!
i can just hear you better when i’m facing away and talking to Lisette
something about the acoustics of talking to Lisette
really helps me listen to you playing
definitely don’t stop playing and try to come over here, i’m listening so much
no it’s SO WEIRD but like
i can see and hear you better if the fan is actually blocking my face??
please
just go away and leave me with the dog
forget the crowns
just bring me something i can use to distract him long enough to get away
i am looking at you
this is just something my neck does
i definitely would rather listen to you propose than finish my book, don’t let me stop you, i just have to let my neck do this otherwise something really bad could happen
to my neck
Tags: artwork, no, saying no, women in western art history
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“someone coming up from behind you and unexpectedly grabbing your shoulder makes you so happy you freeze up”
HELLO, NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.
Her whole posture is like, “Dude if you interrupt me one more time asking if I know Wonderwall, I swear to God…”
You can see her hand is already open and ready to wheel around and slap him across the face.
I was thinking whack him over the head with the lute*.
*or whatever
The thing that’s worrying me is his own face is like ‘wait hand no why are you doing this?’
Everything about that painting is wrong and where is the lower hald of that woman’s skirt and the perspective is ???
Photoshopped, is what I’m saying.
I can’t even focus on the awkwardness in that picture because the whole thing is painted in M.C. Escher perspective. EVERYTHING IS SIMULTANEOUSLY IN FRONT OF AND BEHIND EVERYTHING ELSE WHY//?????//221!//11111!!!
Yeah that whole painting is kind of terrifying. Why is there a baby on the dinner table? Why is that lady about to clock that dude on the head with a metal teapot (well, I guess because he’s freaking that other lady out)? Who is the solitary person in the next room?????????????
is he a wizard? what’s with the solitary parsnip? Why is she pouring tea at the same time as plucking a bird (turkey?), and why is she plucking a bird while a roast one is on the table already? This is more like a strange dream sequence than a normal painting, and I do not like it! But I do like the tea-pourer’s nice blue hair ribbon…
She’s pouring tea at the same time as prepping the fowl for the wizard in the back dining room, because she’s in the weeds because Marie didn’t show up today which is just like her.
The solitary parsnip is right next to that turnip, if you know what I mean.
It could be a turnip…. or an orange, those dutch!
“Is he a wizard? What’s with the solitary parsnip?” is going to be my go-to comparison for any two opening sentences of anything from now on.
blech. my least favorite mansplainer actually does that ‘trick’ where he will tap you on the opposite shoulder to make you turn around but no-one’s there…. like a 5th grader. He was also a fan of weird touching, and I developed this freezing up reaction very quickly.
I am going to print that quote out and put it on a card. I’m sensory defensive and cannot stand being touched unexpectedly, especially from behind. Especially if I’m holding something fragile!
“it’s really hard for me to look at the sea while you’re holding my hand”
NEW TOAST MASCOT Y/Y?
I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT
I was just thinking I needed a small reproduction of this in my bathroom, which I am converting into a misandrist paradise.
It’s titled “The Lovers” and I’m not gonna lie, that steals a bit of the sunshine for me.
He loves himself, she loves the Sea.
I go for beachwalks with my totally lovely boyfriend a lot, and honestly, I have thought the words ‘why are you still talking, I’m trying to LOOK AT THE SEA’ on a regular basis.
Is the guy in the third picture chewing on his hand?
I bloody love not touching or being touched.
“Oh definitely, Subway Dude*, I am for sure listening to your thoughts on my book. I just have to keep my headphones in and my book open so I can really FOCUS, you know? On your thoughts and words?”
*not THAT Subway dude–just, you know, some A Train rando
Pretty sure you don’t want THAT Subway dude touching you either.
“Just go away and leave me with the dog” is my one GPOY to rule them all.
How do these always show up on the days I need a laugh the most? Thank you Mallory. I’m hugging my screen as we speak.
I tense up from joy all the time; it’s totally a thing. “I’M SO HAPPY THAT I’M GOING TO SIT HERE MOTIONLESS UNTIL I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.”
Do you have the same work strategy as me?
One difficult email/phone = toast page refresh
Yes! I switch between near-constant refreshes of the Toast, Autostraddle, and this gem: http://moar.edgecats.net/meow
Thank god for the internet and all its validation-y glory. Praise be unto Al Gore! (right?)
Bless the Toast, for helping me discover Eleanor Fortescue-Brickdale’s magnificent work, especially the one featured here which is so wonderfully named “The Pale Complexion of True Love and the Red Glow of Scorn and Proud Disdain from As You Like It”
Oh hey, I know that feel. “You know what makes sex really awesome? When you don’t deliberately try to asphyxiate the person giving you oral by stopping her nostrils while her mouth is blocked. Totes the hottest new thing. Breathing. Look it up!”
D:
“I mean okay if you want to try this old, uncomfortable nose-blocking thing, have at it, but be aware that if you do I will show you the other newest thing, aka me biting down on the thing in my mouth to make you stop.”
Oh, if only.
Honestly that is legitimately my panic response, I clench my jaw and give myself headaches on the regular sooooo
Ugh, is that a thing people do in real life, like, without explicitly agreeing on it beforehand? If so, is that one of the things dudes pick up from porn?
Yes and no idea, in that order. I think part of it is this idea that consent means “I’ll just do this thing to you and if you don’t stop me, that means you like it.” Which isn’t the greatest way to go about things when the other person has no idea what the hell you’re doing over there or why! The reason I let him get away with it for so many years was that I thought my breathing somehow made it not feel good – I didn’t make the connection to erotic asphyxiation until long after I got rid of the bastard.
“I’ll just do this thing to you and if you don’t stop me, that means you like it.”
0/10 would not recommend this approach to sex, especially when other people’s breathing is involved!
Mr. Skirt-Kisser seems like he’s getting the hang of it. Verdict is still out but I’ll give him a pass for now.
call me cynical but Mr. Skirt Kisser is taking creeper to a whole new level.
“why art thou so upset by the ministrations of mine attentions upon thee? i doest not touch thine person. i touch only thy hem“
The pigeons are having none of it.
“M’lady.” *tips form-fitting black hood”
I’m not touching you! Does this bug you?
I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!
You ARE, you’re touching me through my GOWN.
AAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHBBLLEeeeeaaahhHAAaahhHHNNOOOOO
GUITAR/LUTE/VIOLA DA GAMBA/WHATEVER INSTRUMENT PLAYING DUDES AGAIN
THERE’S NO ESCAPING THEM
here is a recent example of this from my own life: a friend and i had driven for 12 hours, after a long week of camping, and we arrived at a hot springs. we situated our vehicle and then settled into the spring. it was dark. there was no light pollution – stars everywhere. in the high desert, surrounded by sagebrush.
and then, at the other end of the pool, a man appeared. and he STARTED PLAYING A GUITAR.
Later police found him strangled, and the E-string missing from the guitar (the lowest pitched one, for that is the sturdiest).
That is what happened, right?
ETA: Alternate scenario should this be considered too violent: The man was later found silently crying, with an expression of utter bewilderment on his face, kneeling before a pile of wooden shards that would never again break a peaceful silence.
Ahh no! Take it out on the player, not the instrument! Your second scenario is almost too painful for me to read.
Hmmm yes, you might have a point there. Guitars don’t disturb people, people disturb people, right?
On the other hand, the guitar DOES help with the disturbing.
“and then, at the other end of the pool, a man appeared. and he STARTED PLAYING A GUITAR.”
That sounds like the start of a horror story.
[EXT: HOT SPRING. NIGHT. We hear ominous chords as our heroines relax in the soothing waters of the hot spring. Out of the darkness, a LONE MAN appears. As the music increases in urgency, we see that this figure is wielding a GUITAR.]
[Our heroines proceed to drown him in the spring]
If just reading this gives me a full-body seizure, I can just imagine the violence of your own reactions.
(cue Worf from Star Trek smashing Geordi’s mandolin)
“I AM NOT A MERRY MAN”
W… was he BY HIMSELF??
is that a sacrificial baby on the table in #5???
I’m just going to go with “yes”.
Yes. I do not know any parents who lay babies flat on their backs on the dinner table where the meal should be.
I *Think* it’s supposed to be her lap. Which is also the table. Which is also behind and also in front of the other woman.
They are all the table, is what I am saying, I guess. The Table Is Us All.
Those dogs in #10 don’t look too happy about things, either.
Heck, the beings portrayed in the mural behind them aren’t too happy about things.
Also: Manspreading lutist. Seriously dude?
THE TIGER RUG IS BACK THO
maybe try again later when my arm isn’t doing that thing where it pushes you away so much
I don’t know you guys, I think the guy in #2 kiss-choked the lady to death days or years ago. She’s a little limp is what I’m saying.
I dunno, it seems her hand is grasping for her handkerchief, the one she’s hoping is dosed in chloroform to reach up and smother his loving face.
Well the painting is named “Daemon love”, so I’d say yes, definitely.
Anything that looks like grabbing on her part is obviously rigor mortis.
#8: The two women are a couple, and the one in the middle wants Armour Guy to GO AWAY ALREADY because neither women are interested.
he’s getting a stiff-armed NOPE for his efforts. love it.
The woman behind the fan in #10: “Whadda maroon!”
“it’s really hard for me to look at the sea while you’re holding my hand” I swear to you that I have literally been on this date. (Except that I didn’t know it was a date. I thought it was a between-classes-friendly-outing. La!)
There is some real M.C. Escher stuff going on in #5, with the lady reaching BACK to pour a drink for that guy whose flagon-holding arm is patently much closer to the viewer!
And is it just me or do Rosetti’s people always look very strange and oddly twisty and long about the neck?
Rosetti is the dude who first let his mates try to freeze his lady in a bathtub, then dug her up after death because of poems. Necks are the least of his problems, is what I’m saying.
Honestly want to know wtf the painter thinks is happening in #6
I’m going to put it out there that the man sitting quietly reading a book, non-intrusively patting a dog and maintaining a cordial but respectful distance from the lady with the killer umbrella while not gazing at her, speaking at her, aggressively lute-ing or otherwise incommoding her with his thrusting personage is Doing It Right.
Carry on, good sir, you are doing the Lord’s work.
I sort of liked reading it as if the lines were coming from him, and he’s just trying to have a quiet afternoon in the park with his dog and book but she’s busy being super umbrella killer creepy.
Hilarious
Idk, #4 looks like the guy is trying to peel her hands off him. That lady looks intense
‘forget the crowns’
the model for the lady holding the crowns was definitely Meryl Streep.
I don’t understand how Mallory Ortberg has also been on every date I ever had during my teenage years. My teenage years happened in Texas in the 1970s so I don’t think Mallory Ortberg was old enough to drive around behind me and listen to what I was saying, yet here are all those dates, carefully and unforgivingly limned, knowmsayn?