1. GOD IS A SMALL DOG THAT DIES EVERY NINE TO TWELVE YEARS, USUALLY DUE TO HEART VALVE PROBLEMS
GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH BUT UNFORTUNATELY ISN’T VERY EFFECTIVE
GOD IS DIMLY AWARE OF YOUR PARTICULAR PROBLEMS AND HOPES TO GET TO THEM BUT IS ALSO HAVING A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEEZING PARTICULARLY AFTER STRAINING AT THE LEASH ON WALKS, SO GOD’S TRYING TO FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME AND ALSO HAS FAIRLY DIMINISHED LONG-TERM MEMORY DUE TO THE LIMITATIONS OF DOGS’ SKULL SIZE
GOD’S OTHER PROBLEMS INCLUDE:
EYE CRUSTIES, LIKE THOSE TRACKS OF GOOP YOU SOMETIMES SEE ON THE INSIDE CORNER OF DOG’S EYES, AND FUR MATS
HIP DYSPLASIA
ALL SUFFERING EXPERIENCED BY ALL BEINGS THROUGHOUT ALL TIME
SEEING OTHER DOGS ON TV OR SOMETIMES HORSES
ALSO TRYING TO GET UP TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS HARD ON GOD’S JOINTS
2. GOD IS ONE OF THOSE PIGEONS YOU SEE SOMETIMES THAT LOOK RAW AS HELL EVEN FOR A PIGEON AND AFTER A WHILE OF LOOKING AT IT YOU REALIZE IT’S NOT JUST STANDING ON ONE CLAW IT FOR REAL HAS ONLY ONE LEG AND ITS EYES ARE ALL WET AND RED AND THINGS ARE JUST NOT GOING WELL FOR THAT PARTICULAR PIGEON AND IT MAKES THAT SORT OF MOURNFUL CROONY “WHOOMPH, WHOOMPH” NOISE TO ITSELF WHILE ALL THE OTHER PIGEONS BUSTLE-GUSTLE AROUND PAST IT
IS IT SICK?? I DON’T KNOW, HARD TO TELL IF IT WAS BORN JUST ONE-LEGGED OR IF IT HAD A BAD TANGLE WITH A RAT’S MOUTH. YOU NEVER SEE IT DIE, JUST ONE DAY YOU REALIZE THE CLOT OF FEATHERS BATCHED TOGETHER ON THE SIDEWALK ARE WHAT’S LEFT OF ITS EATEN-UP WING AND YOU THINK, OKAY THAT PIGEON DEFINITELY DIED
3. GOD’S BEHIND A DOOR SORRY I CAN’T GET MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT
4. GOD’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AND IT’S AWFUL
GOD CAN’T OR WON’T TELL US WHO IT IS OR WAS BECAUSE HONESTLY GOD IS EMBARRASSED AND DID NOT SEE THIS COMING
GOD HAS NO PLANS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS
“JUST WAIT IT OUT,” THAT’S THE PLAN
IT’S NOT THAT GOD IS SELF-ABSORBED BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THERE’S OTHER STUFF GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND HONESTLY IN THE BIG PICTURE GOD KNOWS THIS WILL END UP BEING FAIRLY BLIPPY AS THESE THINGS GO
IT’S JUST PRETTY NEW FOR GOD AND IT’S THROWING GOD FOR A REAL CURVE BALL
(IT’S A TREE)
5. GOD IS A VERY SMALL GENTLEMAN, NOT LIKE A PERSON-SIZED PERSON BUT ABOUT DAVID THE GNOME-SIZED, AND CAN’T STOP CRYING
GOD ALWAYS WEARS A PAIR OF VERY NEAT GLOVES BUT CAN NEVER STOP CRYING
GOD IS SO SORRY
6. GOD JUST TRIED TO CALM DOWN A DOG AND THE DOG WOULDN’T CALM DOWN AND THEN GOD KIND OF SNAPPED AT IT BECAUSE NOTHING WAS CALMING THE DOG DOWN
GOD DIDN’T HURT THE DOG OR EVEN TOUCH IT OR ANYTHING GOD JUST SORT OF SHOUTED IN EXASPERATION BUT IT WAS ENOUGH THAT THE DOG SHRANK AND SKITTERED AWAY
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DOG SKITTER AWAY FROM YOU EVEN FOR A SECOND
GOD THOUGHT ‘OH OH OH, OH NO, I’M THE KIND OF PERSON A DOG SLINKS AWAY FROM?’
AND GOD PICKED THE DOG UP AND GAVE IT WAY TOO MANY TREATS AND PETTED IT UNDER THE CHIN AND WITHIN FOUR SECONDS THE DOG HAD FORGOTTEN ANYTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED BUT LATER THAT NIGHT GOD HEARD THE SOUND OF THOSE DOG-FEET SKITTERING AWAY ON THE FLOOR AND THOUGHT ‘OH, OH, OH’ AGAIN
7. GOD IS AN OLD OLD ARMADILLO THAT IS LITERALLY ALWAYS DYING
8. GOD WANTS TO TELL YOU BUT GOD IS SO AFRAID
THERE’S A VERY SPECIFIC REASON BUT GOD HOPES YOU NEVER FIND OUT AND THAT GOD NEVER HAS TO TELL YOU
9. GOD IS IN A HUGE BUILDING WITH DOORS AND HALLWAYS THAT KEEP SHIFTING AND EVERY TIME GOD THINKS GOD’S FOUND THE EXIT THINGS RUMBLE UNDER GOD’S FEET AND EVERYTHING MOVES AND GOD’S NOT SURE WHO BUILT IT BUT WHOEVER IT WAS LEFT OR DIED A LONG LONG TIME AGO BUT THE HOUSE DOESN’T NEED ANYTHING TO KEEP GOING
10. GOD’S HANDS AND JOINTS JUST HURT ALL THE TIME
GOD DOESN’T REMEMBER WHAT NOT HURTING IS LIKE
AND GOD WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WANTING AND NOT-WANTING SOMETHING
SO EVEN IF YOU ASKED GOD WOULD BE TRULY INCAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN “YOU HURT” AND “YOU NOT HURT”
11. GOD IS RUNNING TOWARD YOU AS FAST AS GOD POSSIBLY CAN TO TRY TO HELP SO JUST HANG ON
12. GOD IS AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE AND CAN’T BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS US SO THE BEST GOD CAN DO IS SEND GOD’S “BEST WISHES” WHILE BURBLING FURIOUSLY UNDERWATER IN FRUSTRATION
13. GOD ONLY SPEAKS ONE LANGUAGE AND NONE OF US SPEAK IT
14. GOD IS A RED BIRD OR ELSE AN ALLIGATOR CHEWING REAL SERIOUSLY ON AN OLD HUNK OF SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A ROCK AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN SINEW EITHER WAY IT’S BEEN OUT IN THE SUN FOR A LONG TIME
