WHY THERE IS SUFFERING

by Mallory Ortberg · February 18, 2016

1. GOD IS A SMALL DOG THAT DIES EVERY NINE TO TWELVE YEARS, USUALLY DUE TO HEART VALVE PROBLEMS
GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH BUT UNFORTUNATELY ISN’T VERY EFFECTIVE

GOD IS DIMLY AWARE OF YOUR PARTICULAR PROBLEMS AND HOPES TO GET TO THEM BUT IS ALSO HAVING A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEEZING PARTICULARLY AFTER STRAINING AT THE LEASH ON WALKS, SO GOD’S TRYING TO FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME AND ALSO HAS FAIRLY DIMINISHED LONG-TERM MEMORY DUE TO THE LIMITATIONS OF DOGS’ SKULL SIZE

GOD’S OTHER PROBLEMS INCLUDE:
EYE CRUSTIES, LIKE THOSE TRACKS OF GOOP YOU SOMETIMES SEE ON THE INSIDE CORNER OF DOG’S EYES, AND FUR MATS
HIP DYSPLASIA
ALL SUFFERING EXPERIENCED BY ALL BEINGS THROUGHOUT ALL TIME
SEEING OTHER DOGS ON TV OR SOMETIMES HORSES
ALSO TRYING TO GET UP TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS HARD ON GOD’S JOINTS

 

2. GOD IS ONE OF THOSE PIGEONS YOU SEE SOMETIMES THAT LOOK RAW AS HELL EVEN FOR A PIGEON AND AFTER A WHILE OF LOOKING AT IT YOU REALIZE IT’S NOT JUST STANDING ON ONE CLAW IT FOR REAL HAS ONLY ONE LEG AND ITS EYES ARE ALL WET AND RED AND THINGS ARE JUST NOT GOING WELL FOR THAT PARTICULAR PIGEON AND IT MAKES THAT SORT OF MOURNFUL CROONY “WHOOMPH, WHOOMPH” NOISE TO ITSELF WHILE ALL THE OTHER PIGEONS BUSTLE-GUSTLE AROUND PAST IT

IS IT SICK?? I DON’T KNOW, HARD TO TELL IF IT WAS BORN JUST ONE-LEGGED OR IF IT HAD A BAD TANGLE WITH A RAT’S MOUTH. YOU NEVER SEE IT DIE, JUST ONE DAY YOU REALIZE THE CLOT OF FEATHERS BATCHED TOGETHER ON THE SIDEWALK ARE WHAT’S LEFT OF ITS EATEN-UP WING AND YOU THINK, OKAY THAT PIGEON DEFINITELY DIED

 

3. GOD’S BEHIND A DOOR SORRY I CAN’T GET MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT

 

4. GOD’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AND IT’S AWFUL 
GOD CAN’T OR WON’T TELL US WHO IT IS OR WAS BECAUSE HONESTLY GOD IS EMBARRASSED AND DID NOT SEE THIS COMING
GOD HAS NO PLANS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS
“JUST WAIT IT OUT,” THAT’S THE PLAN

IT’S NOT THAT GOD IS SELF-ABSORBED BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THERE’S OTHER STUFF GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND HONESTLY IN THE BIG PICTURE GOD KNOWS THIS WILL END UP BEING FAIRLY BLIPPY AS THESE THINGS GO
IT’S JUST PRETTY NEW FOR GOD AND IT’S THROWING GOD FOR A REAL CURVE BALL

 

(IT’S A TREE)

 

5. GOD IS A VERY SMALL GENTLEMAN, NOT LIKE A PERSON-SIZED PERSON BUT ABOUT DAVID THE GNOME-SIZED, AND CAN’T STOP CRYING
GOD ALWAYS WEARS A PAIR OF VERY NEAT GLOVES BUT CAN NEVER STOP CRYING
GOD IS SO SORRY

 

6. GOD JUST TRIED TO CALM DOWN A DOG AND THE DOG WOULDN’T CALM DOWN AND THEN GOD KIND OF SNAPPED AT IT BECAUSE NOTHING WAS CALMING THE DOG DOWN
GOD DIDN’T HURT THE DOG OR EVEN TOUCH IT OR ANYTHING GOD JUST SORT OF SHOUTED IN EXASPERATION BUT IT WAS ENOUGH THAT THE DOG SHRANK AND SKITTERED AWAY
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DOG SKITTER AWAY FROM YOU EVEN FOR A SECOND
GOD THOUGHT ‘OH OH OH, OH NO, I’M THE KIND OF PERSON A DOG SLINKS AWAY FROM?’

AND GOD PICKED THE DOG UP AND GAVE IT WAY TOO MANY TREATS AND PETTED IT UNDER THE CHIN AND WITHIN FOUR SECONDS THE DOG HAD FORGOTTEN ANYTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED BUT LATER THAT NIGHT GOD HEARD THE SOUND OF THOSE DOG-FEET SKITTERING AWAY ON THE FLOOR AND THOUGHT ‘OH, OH, OH’ AGAIN

 

7. GOD IS AN OLD OLD ARMADILLO THAT IS LITERALLY ALWAYS DYING

 

8. GOD WANTS TO TELL YOU BUT GOD IS SO AFRAID
THERE’S A VERY SPECIFIC REASON BUT GOD HOPES YOU NEVER FIND OUT AND THAT GOD NEVER HAS TO TELL YOU

 

9. GOD IS IN A HUGE BUILDING WITH DOORS AND HALLWAYS THAT KEEP SHIFTING AND EVERY TIME GOD THINKS GOD’S FOUND THE EXIT THINGS RUMBLE UNDER GOD’S FEET AND EVERYTHING MOVES AND GOD’S NOT SURE WHO BUILT IT BUT WHOEVER IT WAS LEFT OR DIED A LONG LONG TIME AGO BUT THE HOUSE DOESN’T NEED ANYTHING TO KEEP GOING

 

10. GOD’S HANDS AND JOINTS JUST HURT ALL THE TIME
GOD DOESN’T REMEMBER WHAT NOT HURTING IS LIKE
AND GOD WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WANTING AND NOT-WANTING SOMETHING
SO EVEN IF YOU ASKED GOD WOULD BE TRULY INCAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN “YOU HURT” AND “YOU NOT HURT”

 

11. GOD IS RUNNING TOWARD YOU AS FAST AS GOD POSSIBLY CAN TO TRY TO HELP SO JUST HANG ON

 

12. GOD IS AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE AND CAN’T BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS US SO THE BEST GOD CAN DO IS SEND GOD’S “BEST WISHES” WHILE BURBLING FURIOUSLY UNDERWATER IN FRUSTRATION

 

13. GOD ONLY SPEAKS ONE LANGUAGE AND NONE OF US SPEAK IT

 

14. GOD IS A RED BIRD OR ELSE AN ALLIGATOR CHEWING REAL SERIOUSLY ON AN OLD HUNK OF SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A ROCK AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN SINEW EITHER WAY IT’S BEEN OUT IN THE SUN FOR A LONG TIME

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


88 Comments

  1. Pamu +13

    Poor old old armadillo!

    This reminds me of David Eagleman’s Sum, which is also surprisingly heartbreaking.

  2. winterbymorning +158

    Between the words “a small dog that dies” and the image accompanying this post I am now filled with concern for Murphy.

    IS LIL MURPHS OKAY

    2. fwippins +42

      I ran to Mallory’s Twitter to check, and all signs point to Murphy is fine! *Toast breaths a collective sigh of relief*

      1. steveramstad +69

        Is that to say that God is neither trapped inside a giant house of impossible movement /nor/ burbling in frustration? Because a lot of puzzle pieces sort of fell in to place and I’m unprepared to return to a universe of callous mystery

    5. vividshivers +12

      ME TOO. Thank you for reassuring us Mallory, I don’t think we could’ve collectively withstood it!

    1. veryfinestlions +13

      Only in your sleep. I suppose if god isn’t a lucid dreamer that might be part of it too.

    2. alula_auburn +10

      Me too! This is one of my three stock stress dreams.

      Number 10 also applies to me; this is a lot for a Thursday.

      1. swords-and-spindles +2

        Easy to test: just do a handstand against a tree. If you fail, you’re obviously God.

  5. sheistolerable +49

    Every time I read one of these (cf. Mallory’s Bible fanfic) I wonder why I am getting a Ph.D. in theology without this gift for capturing unsayable truths. #11, dammit.

    1. Biblioholic +24

      I was repeatedly reminded of my class on 18th century/19th century intelligent design theories and teleologies. All of the readings were filled with stuff like this. God is an architect who has done the best he can, so if there’s an uncomfortable breeze from that window, just know it would be worse if the window was over there. God is a watchmaker. God is a stick insect.

      Ok, I made up that last one, but…yeah. Mallory could definitely have made a living as a Natural Theologian back in the day.

      1. mysterious_m +1

        If you don’t mind my asking, do you have a link to the specific “god is an architect [….] window over there” thing? Or more information about where it’s from? For some reason I find it really intriguing and would like to know more.

    1. Mallory Ortberg +108

      I’m having a marvelous day. I’m an excellent writer capable of capturing more than one feeling or impression even if I don’t currently happen to be feeling it at the time.

      1. PonyAlong +14

        I hope you keep having marvellous days because this was one of the most beautiful pieces of poetic (yep, poetic…or maybe spoken word…nah, sticking with poetic) verse I’ve read (today).

  8. mkpatter +22

    My own old God dog has figured out the whole eye boogies thing. (Picks them himself with his own dew claws.)

  9. MrsPontellier +145

    Yo, I had just gotten comfortable with the idea that God is just on a bus trying to make his way home and now this!

    1. Teka Lynn +4

      That song was just going through my head as I read this essay and making me more depressed about it.

  10. Unreadaethel +15

    GODDAMNIT, MALLORY

    I appreciate all the opportunities lately for this to be extra-appropriate.

  11. sausagedog +24

    A) this is amazing and I’m going to go cry quietly in the bathroom at work about it
    B) just in regards to (1) on your list, is Murphy ok?

  14. irreverantontheinternet +83

    #2 is so specific and yet I know it so well. I’ve seen that pigeon many times. I’ve seen that pigeon’s wing many times… (I was walking back to the hostel, drunk and in St. Petersburg, Russia, one night and came across a pigeon-less wing. “Hold the fuck up!” I shouted “I’m not going anywhere til someone tells me where the rest of this bird is.”)

    1. sneftel +52

      THINGS THAT WERE POTENTIALLY GOING THROUGH HANNAHFISH’S HEAD AT THAT MOMENT
      * I know it’s just litter to you guys, but I guarantee you, there is at least one being out there who is EXTREMELY INTERESTED in the location and disposition of this wing
      * The wing is probably by itself, but the potential existence of mostly-invisible pigeons must be considered, if only briefly
      * My god, it’s the most beautiful wing I’ve ever seen. Where is the rest of you, pigeon? I HAVE TO DRAW YOU
      * Look, there are just some situations that deserve a PROPER ACCOUNTING

    2. GoatseFanfic +19

      while I can relate, I also recognize that I am definitely happier not actually knowing where the rest of the bird is

    3. EntropyMachine +7

      I saw the Pigeon today while walking home. Unfortunately, it was, as my friend way too casually pointed out, quite dead. Woe unto us all.

  15. apofenia +15

    I love that everyone seems to have their favorite!

    Mine is #10. I studied medieval mysticism and scholastic theology for waaaaaaaay too long, and #10 is more plausible to me than any theodicy I’ve encountered.

    Not a Christian anymore but I may or may not be doodling St. Mallory iconography on my peechee folder rn.

  16. britomartian +73

    very that one kid in every single philosophy class voice “Actually God is omnipotent so he could get himself out of the lake, also will this be on the midterm”

  18. haistag +35

    God looks uncomfortably like my own crusty-eyed, small skulled, fuzzy dog. No wonder s/he never gets anything done.

  21. howardbann1ster +36

    “8. GOD WANTS TO TELL YOU BUT GOD IS SO AFRAID
    THERE’S A VERY SPECIFIC REASON BUT GOD HOPES YOU NEVER FIND OUT AND THAT GOD NEVER HAS TO TELL YOU”

    …

    Oh, God, I know. I feel like I know the reason, but if I put words to it everything will be ruined forever and I’ll never be able to look you in the eye again. We’ll just go on pretending I don’t know, and maybe it’ll work out.

  22. Katelyn +17

    Have you read Annie Dillard, Mallory? This reminded me of her book Holy the Firm. “Every day is a god, each day is a god, and holiness holds forth in time.” And the moth. Oh, man. The moth. And “the god of today is a boy, pagan and fernfoot. His power is enthusiasm; his innocence is mystery. He sockets into everything that is, and that right holy.”

  23. betsymore +25

    It never occurred to me that arthritic joints would figure so prominently in the definitive explanation for the existence of suffering, but it makes so much sense.

  24. GoatseFanfic +23

    are these alternate, competing proposals or are we looking at a new trini quaterdecani uh thingity?

    1. GoatseFanfic +49

      in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of his Dog, and of his Other Dog, and of the Dog-Sitter, and of a Pigeon, amen

  25. typewriterandgramophone +18

    Maybe the Lord has been having a lot of insomnia issues lately, which have ramped up Her depression and anxiety, which in turn have really devastated Her executive function?

    But no, that can’t be right, omnipotence never sleeps anyway.

      1. typewriterandgramophone +17

        “Look, I see injustice, I know about it, it’s on My list, and I will do something to fix it just as soon as-I wonder if there’s a page for this on TV Tropes?”

        (ETA: to be serious for a moment, I’m sorry, and it’s such a vicious cycle, and isn’t it the worst?)

          1. typewriterandgramophone +5

            Internet hugs back! I ended up going to a workshop for insomnia today, no less. I was the youngest person there :/

          2. betsymore +2

            Congrats on working to address the issue, though! That’s awesome. Was it helpful? I’m in the particular sleepless phase characterized by a baby who wakes every 1.5-3 hours, which would be bad enough on its own, but sometimes I THEN can’t get back to sleep even when she does, because I’m stressed about how tired I’ll be at work the next day, and how I have to apply for jobs (this one ends in June) and how will I ever get anything done when I can’t sleep AAAHHH

            It’s very constructive

          3. typewriterandgramophone +1

            It was helpful, but some of the recommendations are for stuff just beyond your control (“Keep your bedroom for only sleep and sex”…OK, but what if you share a small apartment with two other people and you all keep the peace by (mostly) keeping each person’s idiosyncratic leisure activities out of common space?) My big takeaways were:
            1. Breathe through your nose
            2. Our internal clock requires sixteen hours of awake time to make all the hormones for sleeping, so get up sixteen hours before you want to go to bed even if it’s agony.
            3. A short nap in the afternoon is OK.
            4. Darken your sleeping space so you can’t see the furniture. Then get lots of light (either sun or lamp) when you get up in the morning. So thick curtains?
            5. You make most of your melatonin and other stay asleep hormones in the ninety minutes before you go to bed and alcohol and blue light from tvs, computers and phones disrupts the production of that, so turn down your lights and do something other than screentime ior drinking in the ninety minutes before you’re supposed to go to sleep.
            6. If you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, breathe deeply in and out through your nose while counting down from 599. So *nosebreath* 599, *nosebreath* 598, returning to 599 if you lose count. If a worry or a thought comes into your head, breathe in and out through your nose while thinking “let go.” (NB I tried this last night but still couldn’t stop thinking about the election and work stuff and other stuff. Zonked out at 11, woke up at 2, didn’t conk out till it was getting light outside. 🙁 )

            But I don’t know how much that will help with a baby waking you up! They sent us the slides from the presentation and I will go through them and see if I can find anything else good.

          4. Pbsf +1

            I’ve just gone through this myself! This is what i told myself as i lay awake, unable to sleep because i knew the baby would go off any second: “sleep is all about appearances. If I lie still with my eyes closed and relax my muscles, my body will be fooled into thinking I’m sleeping and I’ll be well rested in the morning”

  27. sueyres +19

    WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?
    JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?
    JUST A STRANGER ON THE BUS TRYING TO MAKE HIS WAY HOME?

    HAHA, NOPE J.K. GOD IS DEAD

    1. GoatseFanfic +15

      “I’m pretty sure god’s dead, he just ran out into the road right in front of me”
      – Friedrich Nietzsche

  29. Kay +14

    I had a much easier time believing in a deity after I started wondering if rumors of God’s omnipotence had been greatly exaggerated.

  30. dorianneemmerton +35

    god has been feeling a little overwhelmed since amalgamation. He’s not complaining, mind you, he understands the bottom line and that it was a prudent move to consolidate all god positions into one. He knows that the only other option would have been a cutback in the total amount of divinity available on earth and that would negatively affect the customer base. And he cares about his customers, it’s just there’s only so many hours in a day and he doesn’t have the time for individual prayers and circumstances the way he did when he had a more limited portfolio. (And, to be quite honest, he misses his colleagues. It’s a lonely job, being the One True God.)

    1. Chance_Hale +24

      I know people have tried to sue God a number of times for the existence of suffering, etc, but has anyone ever gone after Him on antitrust grounds? Maybe it’s time for the DoJ to break up Big Deity.

  31. beakbreath +16

    God knows he shouldn’t steal and shred paper towels but is compelled to. He regrets it every time.

  33. whollyword +21

    A number of elements in this post figure prominently in my theology. Especially #4 and 6. I guess I need a God who is wracked with love and anxiety, to try to figure out how to cope with being wracked with love and anxiety. Also, this Cesar Vallejo poem seems pertinent:

    God
    by César Vallejo

    I feel that God is traveling
    so much in me, with the dusk and the sea.
    With him we go along together. It is getting dark.
    With him we get dark. All orphans . . .

    But I feel God. And it even seems
    that he sets aside some good color for me.
    He is kind and sad, like those that care for the sick;
    he whispers with sweet contempt like a lover’s:
    his heart must give him great pain.

    Oh, my God, I’ve only just come to you,
    today I love so much in this twilight; today
    that in the false balance of some breasts
    I weigh and weep for a frail Creation.

    And you, what do you weep for . . . you, in love
    with such an immense and whirling breast. . . .
    I consecrate you, God, because you love so much;
    because you never smile; because your heart
    must all the time give you great pain.

  34. StoatCat +10

    God is new here, all things considered, and wishes you would maybe be more understanding. He thinks it’s pretty good, on the whole, though He guesses he can see why you’re upset, and He’s sorry. He is. And aren’t we all sorry, really? Could we work together on this and be better in the future? God thinks so.

  35. Micah +4

    This is so nice! It’s now in my bookmarks under ‘bad day gonna be okay, maybe, but only after I read this’.
    The only other thing in there is Joey’s Comeau’s comment from http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=662. Maybe with their powers combined I can actually convince myself it really is gonna be okay and also God is trying pretty hard, okay?

    1. Natushka +2

      See also, Mallory’s “Here is a Baby Piglet that is also Yourself.” It needs to be in your file.

  36. KV +3

    I am number ten so good news everyone, as soon as I can figure out how to stop hurting, I will fox everything.

  37. Anonymous +1

    If God were David the Gnome, the world would be a much better place. But I’m considerably happier just with that image in my mind…

  40. betsaroo

    Congrats on working to address the issue, though! That's awesome. Was it helpful? I'm in the particular sleepless phase characterized by a baby who wakes every 1.5-3 hours, which would be bad enough on its own, but sometimes I THEN can't get back to sleep even when she does, because I'm stressed about how tired I'll be at work the next day, and how I have to apply for jobs (this one ends in June) and how will I ever get anything done when I can't sleep AAAHHH

    It's very constructive

  41. Siddons Packard

    It was helpful, but some of the recommendations are for stuff just beyond your control ("Keep your bedroom for only sleep and sex"…OK, but what if you share a small apartment with two other people and you all keep the peace by (mostly) keeping each person's idiosyncratic leisure activities out of common space?) My big takeaways were:
    1. Breathe through your nose
    2. Our internal clock requires sixteen hours of awake time to make all the hormones for sleeping, so get up sixteen hours before you want to go to bed even if it's agony.
    3. A short nap in the afternoon is OK.
    4. Darken your sleeping space so you can't see the furniture. Then get lots of light (either sun or lamp) when you get up in the morning. So thick curtains?
    5. You make most of your melatonin and other stay asleep hormones in the ninety minutes before you go to bed and alcohol and blue light from tvs, computers and phones disrupts the production of that, so turn down your lights and do something other than screentime ior drinking in the ninety minutes before you're supposed to go to sleep.
    6. If you wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, breathe deeply in and out through your nose while counting down from 599. So *nosebreath* 599, *nosebreath* 598, returning to 599 if you lose count. If a worry or a thought comes into your head, breathe in and out through your nose while thinking "let go." (NB I tried this last night but still couldn't stop thinking about the election and work stuff and other stuff. Zonked out at 11, woke up at 2, didn't conk out till it was getting light outside. 🙁 )

    But I don't know how much that will help with a baby waking you up! They sent us the slides from the presentation and I will go through them and see if I can find anything else good.

  42. redheadedwolf +5

    This is my favorite:

    9. GOD IS IN A HUGE BUILDING WITH DOORS AND HALLWAYS THAT KEEP SHIFTING AND EVERY TIME GOD THINKS GOD’S FOUND THE EXIT THINGS RUMBLE UNDER GOD’S FEET AND EVERYTHING MOVES AND GOD’S NOT SURE WHO BUILT IT BUT WHOEVER IT WAS LEFT OR DIED A LONG LONG TIME AGO BUT THE HOUSE DOESN’T NEED ANYTHING TO KEEP GOING

    closely followed by:

    11. GOD IS RUNNING TOWARD YOU AS FAST AS GOD POSSIBLY CAN TO TRY TO HELP SO JUST HANG ON

    But honestly this one’s the likeliest:

    13. GOD ONLY SPEAKS ONE LANGUAGE AND NONE OF US SPEAK IT

  44. Queenjulie +2

    I assume the building in Number 9 is the house on Ash Tree Lane from House of Leaves, AKA, the most terrifying book ever written, which was so brilliant and so terrifying that although I loved it, the minute I finished the final page, I literally jumped out of my chair, ran to my car with the book, drove to the nearest used book store, and donated the book away, because it was too frightening to allow it to stay inside my house another fucking second.