Oatmeal with soy sauce, banana bread (when there is some), kefir, black tea, herbal tea, and some water is the the breakfast of champions and bartenders. What are your aspirational summer activities? The Bartender dreams of picnicking in the park, but has literally never in their life picnicked anywhere. Sitting on the ground is uncomfortable! And bugs get into the food! And there are crumbs. But one can dream. Open-thread!!
Neko Atsume! Has anyone seen any of the new “rare” kitties? How do I cotch them???
I have been visited by Ganache and Apricot. 😀
Giant cake stand!
I think either of the two new big items (umbrella and treat stand) should attract them. I haven;t seen either of them yet, though, so maybe they only respond to a certain type of food.
But I was excited to discover that the new royal bed attracts Xerxes
I think they like expensive foods — I’ve seen them a lot with deluxe tuna bits out.
I have the fancy tuna out as well because I had loads of gold fish and nothing to do with them so may as well spend them on food…
I got Jeeves and Sapphire! They’re adorable. I had the fairy tale umbrella and the fancy tuna food.
That is how I got them too! Jeeves gives you a pocket watch as a memento.
I am ALL ABOUT the pastry-themed update
Yes, the two super-fancy rare new cats like the umbrella. They’ve stopped by for me but I haven’t cotched them yet!
I’ve also seen Ganache and Apricot! Ganache has quickly become my favorite.
Also, I introduced my mom to Neko Atsume recently and when she got her first cat she called me to let me know because she was so excited. And now she texts me semi-regular updates: “I love Spooky. I want him to be real!!!” This is the best thing I have ever done.
Spooky is the one that most closely resembles my real life cat, who is a gem among cats. Your mom has excellent taste!
I also have warmed the fastest to Ganache!
I just started playing this last night–excited for all the kitties to discover! Except that I think it drained my phone battery something awful even when the screen was off–is that a thing with this app?
I haven’t noticed mine being particularly different.
Maybe you left the app open? You can close it and the kitties come and go and eat all the food.
Maybe you accidentally downloaded the version where the cats eat battery power instead of cat food?
The big issue seems to be that Sapphire’s power level is super low, so much like Peaches, you just need to have patience. Check out the rare cat guide on the Neko Atsume wiki, but they’ll show up for most of the fancier foods. It’s just a waiting game!
I haven’t gotten either of them to show up yet either, but I did get Ganache’s memento yesterday!
And I finally got Frosty’s memento, weirdly she started showing up several times a day and within a week had given me a lovely gift.
New rares require deluxe tuna bits. That’s how I caught them both (and got both their mementos!)
I just downloaded this for the first time and WOW WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG
Me too.
Welcome to the club!
I’m excited by the phone backgrounds you can buy as well!
I have the teacup background, I love it. 🙂
I’ve seen all of them – Jeeves and Sapphire just gave me mementos too! :O it seems like these kitties are a lot more generous with their tiny gifts than usual, hehe.
OKay i just got this app and how long does it take to find kitties?
You should have Snowball fairly soon, then just buy some stuff and put some food out and you should have at least one or two within a couple of hours.
thanks! I think I should have had Snowball already since I was told that a cat visited, but I can’t find her in my catbook. Am going to restart my phone.
I had that problem too when I installed it a week or two ago. Just leave it for half an hour and check back.
Tangent, but I’ve been trying to photograph peaches for three days. I got an elborate theory from reddit but I think the new kitties throw the equation off. You guys have any tips for catching peaches?
Her three favourites in my yard are the glass vase, cakestand and pancake cushion.
Her favorites in mine are the art deco cat tree, the pile of leaves, and pink cat macaron. She’s also gone for the ball of yarn and the hot mat, according to her album!
Thanks!
In my yard she really loves the tiramisu cube, but I also really love the tiramisu cube so there could be some selection bias there
In my yard, she likes the Zanzibar Cushion (I always leave it out because Xerxes is my favorite), the Paper Umbrella, and the Cat Metropolis.
Ok for the Cowboy cat one, Billy the Kitten, you need to put out the cowboy hat. For the baseball cat one (Joe De Meowgio!), you need the baseball.
There’s also this rare pirate? cat, named Senor Don Gato, and you need the Mister Mouse batting toy for him. St. Purrtrick requires the Kotatsu . Conductor Whiskers comes out for the twisty rail toy.
The odd looking Kathmandu visits the Temari Ball. Tubbs visits periodically to maraud the food, if you have 2 dishes of fancier food out, such as sashimi, Frisky bits, or Ritzy Bitz. Tubbs only responds to food.
Conductor Whiskers also likes the Cardboard Choo-choo, and St. Purrtrick comes to my yard for the Silk Crepe Pillow.
I am in Tubbs Hell. I put out all the toys and foods that I am told in combination will get me the rares I have yet to collect, and instead TUBBS. ALWAYS TUBBS. As soon as I put food out, the next thing I see is TUBBS. SCARFING IT ALL DOWN. I hate you, Tubbs.
I hear that Tubbs won’t go inside – so I keep frisky bits outside and he eats them all, and put the fancy tuna inside. So far this seems to be working.
Yeah, I’ve only ever gotten Tubbs on the outside food.
I’ve been visited by Ganache too! And Apricot, but I haven’t caught Apricot visiting yet. The Candyland-esque remodel is cracking me up.
So I just discovered the Name of the Year tournament this week and am hooked. Anyone else have a favorite contender? I’m vying for Peola Smith-Smith to win the Crotchtangle Regional and from there take it all, but the Dragonwagon Regional is also mounting some strong contenders (Howdy Goudey and Inta Mulch, among others).
I’m pulling for Burm Snart.
I’m also Team Burm Snart! He’s a septuagenarian table tennis player! Named Burm Snart!!!
Burm Snart forever.
Of the remaining contenders, my faves are, in no particular order:
Howdy Goudey
Saint Schwing
Cosmo Bjorkenheim
Burm Snart
I was really pulling for Rusty Justice and Sicnarf Loopstock, but they had pretty tough competition in the first round.
Team Furious Carney / Sweet Orefice
Onno Hoes- Dutch mayor undone by a sex scandal or Brodarious Hamm
I’ve got a great fondness for Pope McCorkle III, but Howdy Goudey is definitely a close second.
I’m fond of Onno Hoes because I live in the Netherlands and remember the Onno Hoes sex scandal (which was mostly that he couldn’t keep it out of the press) and thinking ‘even by Dutch politician standards, that is a phenomenal name.’ And now everyone can see it!
Onno Hoes might be the best aptonym I’ve seen anywhere.
I remain incensed that Tchaikovsky Cantalicio was knocked out in the first round. One of those things that really makes me question what goes on in other people’s heads.
I know I mentioned this already, but I KNOW DR. SHARK BIRD!!! (Or, at least, have had professional dealings with him over the phone). I still can’t get over how weirdly random life is at times.
I’ve got my money on Billie-Jo Skeleton to win, though.
GUYS thanks to your support my campaign is off to a great start! I am being endorsed by two women’s groups and it means so much to have their help. I LOVE YOU TOASTIES
LOOK AT ME, IT’S LIKE I’M A REAL PERSON http://www.ellajanegoeppinger.com
Lovely site, well done! I can’t vote for you because geography but I wish you the best!
If there was a single other Toastie in my district I would be SHOCKED. But I really appreciate all the love!
I really really really hope there is one, or are many.
There are a few in the city I live near – I know because I created them. 🙂
Just kicked ten bucks your way! Good luck. We need more people like you at the state and local levels.
Thank you so much. Considering my opponent got $50,000 from an anti-choice PAC to run unopposed two years ago, every cent really does count.
Another long-distance Toastie who’s going to send a little money your way!
Thank you! I had a lady ask me before I gave a speech at a Bernie rally if I took “big money”. Missouri is the Wild West of campaign funding – there are literally zero limits on anything – and I was just like “sure! I will take all the money anyone will give me!” And she was all aghast, like I was accepting thousands of dollars from multinational corporations. I am proud that my campaign has been funded by donations between $10 – $25, besides a big money donation of $250 from my brother and $1,000 from a nonpartisan organization encouraging women to run for office in rural areas.
A very long story to just say a hearty thank you! Looking at the list of people who believe in me enough to donate gives me strength when I am flagging.
I would give my left arm for campaign finance reform in Missouri, but I can’t see that happening unless all the current GOP people all got an attack of the ethics at once.
But oh mannnnn how sick would it be?
And maybe this will make you feel a little better: some A+++ legislative trolling
Actually, you know what, I need to do some digging to find out what I can do to help support campaign finance reform and PROMO’s stuff. You running is inspiring me to try and change things instead of feeling hopeless.
That is awesome and I will tell you what another Toastie told me that cemented my decision to run:
DO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR SHOT.
I don’t know what part of Missouri you’re in, but there’s some pretty amazing stuff going on down here in the Springfield area. PROMO is an incredible organization and I think people really are starting to get hungry for change. No matter the political preferences of people I speak to, they are all fed up with the cronyism in Jeff City, so I think now is a perfect time to work for campaign reform.
Especially with everybody up their harassing their interns.
I’m actually in Jeff City, working across the street from the Capitol. I’m pretty sad that I wasn’t able to attend PROMO’s rally yesterday cuz work but wow, it made the day less oppressive knowing they were *there*, supporting people like my partner and I.
I am not going to throw away my shot. I’m not a good choice to run for office, but there’s a lot of work to do besides that. There’s some good stuff in MO – we just need to halt the legitimate corruption and awfulness that’s taken over the legislature, and build a government that supports its population in living fantastic lives.
With roads.
In my stump speech I open with “have you driven in Oklahoma lately” and it always gets a huge laugh and I talk about how I’m going to get those darn roads fixed and everyone is like YEAH HER SHE IS GREAT and then I sneak in all the stuff about raising standard of living and expanding Medicaid and people are still just like YEAH ROADS and that is fully my plan to win my extremely republican district.
You do you. I hope I get elected and we can meet and I can do something to make your life better. Like smash SJR39.
This is an extremely good plan. Seriously: we need the damn roads fixed!
Can you run in Cleveland, please? Damn pot holes practically destroyed my car.
I’m not that cool. I’m more like this:
Congrats and best of luck! Your district is fortunate to have you running 🙂
Thank you!
AWESOME!
Go you!
Good luck! Your website looks fantastic.
Hooray! I donated, although unfortunately I am on the west coast so am of limited help. But I am totally rooting for you! Please keep us updated!
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU 😀
Wow, this is so very cool! Good luck!
So, Broadly did an interview this week about the Nazis and occultism, and the takeaway seems to be that they were not, in fact, trying to gain power by magic, but I don’t know that I buy that. I mean, I’m sure Dr. Staudenmaier is a reputable expert and all, but I’ve seen Indiana Jones.
(Last Crusade over Raiders, no shame.)
I refuse to believe this. I’ve read Hellboy. I know Mike Mignola wouldn’t lie to me.
This was literally the thing I opened this comment thread to say, so thanks for clearing that up right away. I don’t want to live in a world where Hitler and Rasputin weren’t practicing dark sorceries together.
I mean, the Nazis were willing to try literally anything to gain power, why not magic? (Also Lammas Night is pure historical fact and I cannot be convinced otherwise. It explains why British occultists are so full of themselves.)
I am embarrassed to admit how many times I’ve read Lammas Night. My copy is falling apart. I’ve done the same to the Adam Sinclair books.
I mean, if it helps, my best friend and I once wrote an elaborate science-fiction reincarnation AU of the Adam Sinclair books. (We were fifteen, but I don’t think that’s an excuse.)
Peter Staudenmaier is the best! His investigations of Rudolph Steiner and Waldorf schools is eye-opening.
Do you know of a place to read these things or should I be not-lazy later and look it up myself?
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you… this is a link to some of his stuff online, including his book that was referenced in the original link. Unfortunately, he’s hard to google, since he has so many haters posting about him online. He’s confronting some of the most deeply cherished myths and ideas of spirituality in the holistic movement, and seeing the historical ties between something as crunchy granola as Waldorf Schools and actual historical Nazis sets off some people’s cognitive dissonance.
Staudenmaier’s thesis is interesting, compelling, and pretty solid historically… basically, while he says that the Nazis generally weren’t as interested in the occult as popular mythology would hold, they were supported by a number of occultist groups; and that the nationalist sentiment and racial mythology of the time was foundational to the development of Rudolf Steiner’s occult Anthroposophy, which was itself an offshoot of Madame Blavatsky’s Theosophy movement. The subsequent formation of Steiner’s Waldorf Schools were based explicitly on the racialist thesis of spiritual development and the migration of souls through reincarnation, and applied these ideas to the education of children.
You’re 100% right Last Crusade is the best of any Indiana Jones movies, and my life was changed forever when I found out that the official trope name for magic nazis was /ghostapo/ http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Ghosta…
how have I never seen that tvtropes article before? THANK YOU!
(except now i’m on tv tropes, and i won’t escape till the computer turns off)
It’s Monday, and I *still* have TV Tropes tabs open on my phone thanks to this link.
Last Crusade is the best Indiana Jones movie and anyone who says otherwise has chosen poorly.
Always Last Crusade over Raiders. Never ashamed.
(I watched it Sunday because it is perfect Easter viewing for a lapsed Catholic.)
Also, Captain America. There’s definitely something there.
Even in a parallel universe were Raiders was the better movie it wouldn’t matter because after my parents got divorced every time my dad came down for a week or two we’d end up watching Last Crusade through some combination of coincidence and tradition.
That movie is deep-childhood to me.
I’m reeling: my younger brother died a few days ago. It was completely unexpected and we still don’t even have a clear idea of what happened.
So, that’s my baseline grief. To make things worse, I’m feeling horrible because he and I haven’t even been particularly close in recent years. We didn’t talk a lot and, frankly, didn’t necessarily have a lot in common. Now I’m feeling terrible that I wasn’t a better sister and didn’t work harder at being in touch.
Also, (and I feel horrible saying this) I’m really dreading the fact that I’m going to have to spend so. Much. Time. with my family in the upcoming weeks. Not only are my parents (understandably) devastated and that’s going to be so hard, but being with my family is not always the best or safest emotional place for me. There’s a LOT of emotional manipulation and bullying and lack of boundaries and disrespect at the best of times, but during a time when everything is heightened by grief?
Any advice? Help!
Please don’t feel horrible saying how you feel – just because you’re family doesn’t mean you should be close. Look after yourself first and foremost during your interactions with your family. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
Along those lines, don’t feel bad about not working harder to be in touch. You sound like you’re good at respecting people’s boundaries, so a distant relationship is better than a false pushy one. You didn’t fail there.
How devastating. I’m so sorry for your loss.
So sorry to hear about your brother. Be gentle with yourself. The only advice I have is try to bring/call/text an ally who can keep you from second-guessing your reactions to family b.s., and who can provide support for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that whatever your family might say, there is no wrong way to handle this; you are doing the best that you can in a hard situation. Talk to someone outside of your family’s realm of influence, if you can; I don’t feel like I can invite you to vent here since this isn’t my space, but you can find me on Livejournal under the same username and you are welcome to vent in comments there if you need it.
I am so sorry for your loss! Please, try to be gentle with yourself; the self-judgement and self-punishment urges might be really strong, but I do not think they will make anything better for anyone. We do not have experience with this kind of grief, but I do think that you do not have to let your family trample over you even at a time like this; keep your distance, set some boundaries, process in your own way, and focus on getting *yourself* the support you need. It is not your job to be there for your family right now; it is your loss too!
Oh I’m so sorry! This sounds crushing on so many levels, and I wish you weren’t having to face any of them.
You and your brother always had the bonds of family, but even in non-stress-inducing families those sibling bonds tend to stretch as we get older. It’s not a failing on your part that you weren’t close when he died. It happens, and you are not to blame for anything.
For being with your family in the near future – having a few defined tasks to focus on (cleaning out his stuff, meeting with people about arrangements, being the one to take multiple trips to the airport because then you get some solo drive time) can give you an excuse to focus on something other than their bullying. Also, take a leaf from my brother’s book, and every time you’re driving to meet them, have car trouble (my brother gets so many fluke flat tires when he doesn’t want to deal with family gatherings), or appointments that require you to leave early (that allergist you’re seeing can’t reschedule you until 5 months from now, you have to leave.) Anything you can do to reduce time with them or isolate yourself while you’re together is a victory.
I hope you have some time to process your loss on your own as you get through the next while. And all of your emotions are valid, even the dread about family. You don’t have to feel bad about any of them.
((Hugs))
I’m very, very sorry for your loss. I lost my brother too about 10 years ago and it’s so hard — I really sympathise. I know it’s much easier said than done but it’s really normal to not be super close to your siblings and there is absolutely no need to feel guilty. Regarding difficulties with your family — can you ask a good trusted friend and/or partner stay with you to support you? Talking incidents through with them might be good for recognizing when your family are acting manipulatively and to help you to respond in a way that would be good for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss; Losing a sibling is often one of my anxiety holes of ‘what if’
If I were you I would use your grief as an excuse to look after yourself; if you need alone time, just play up the grief and leave even if that’s not actually the reason you want to leave.
Just remember that the most important person to you is you! Look after yourself first, no matter what your family try.
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with all of this. That sounds really hard. Internet hugs if you want them.
I don’t have advice really, except to observe that complicated relationships can mean complicated grieving. You don’t have to figure any of it out right now – just feel your feelings (whatever they are) and be as kind to yourself as you can be.
And you are NOT horrible for not wanting to spend time with difficult / abusive relatives while you’re grieving. You may not be able to avoid it, but it’s ok to want to. For me, the most useful things for going to difficult funerals with difficult family were making sure I had a team me – people outside I could talk / txt with and carrying a physical reminder of who I am now (rock in the pocket, Wonder Woman bracelet, etc).
If you haven’t done this yet, looking through Captain Awkward might help – she has some good advice for dealing with difficult family, especially around funerals.
Good luck!
Oh I LOVE the idea of carrying a physical reminder of who I am now. That is fantastic and I will definitely do that. I think one of the hardest things for me about interacting with family is how swiftly we fall back into old family roles. As the middle child I automatically revert to peace keeping (which for me unfortunately usually equates to burying my own needs and wants and trying to make sure everyone else is happy).
Thank you for your kind words and support, truly.
I hope it helps! It’s helped me a lot – I still fall into old patterns of course, but having a physical reminder really does help. I have a lot of stone pendents that are perfect for clutching when I find myself starting to get sucked into the black hole that is my extended family.
Lots of love and good wishes to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t really have any advice to give, I have a very difficult family also and the best way I know to cope is to repeat to myself “this is their stuff, not mine” when the name calling, disrespectful times go down. Love to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally get your instinctual feeling of guilt over having not kept in touch; who doesn’t fall into guilt holes while grieving? I hope that when you look back on positive memories of him you’ll remember that he too probably had all kinds of positive memories of you and your influence on him.
Oh, I’m so sorry. Please keep checking in here, if it helps. I will be thinking of you in the weeks to come.
I’m so, so sorry. If you can manage it, find times to get away from the family and do what you need to for you. Go grab a meal or drink on your own or just sit in a coffee shop and read or whatever. My thoughts are with you.
Surf through the waves of grief as they come, and know that there is massive variability in how people process loss. However you feel is how you feel.
Do the best you can to take extra care of your physical self; get enough sleep, eat, take walks.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry. That sounds like a recipe for all the feelings at once– loss, confusion, guilt, apprehension. And I hear you, about people who are hard to be around when all is well, being yet more impossible when they’re grieving.
When I was staying with Kind Of Appalling Aunt and Uncle for my cousin’s funeral, I arranged to text a friend when I was in need of a reality check (“This thing A&U said– that was messed up, wasn’t it?” “Am I wrong to be on edge and nauseated after being in a room with Fox News on constantly for several hours?”). That helped.
So did having to bring non-negotiable homework. Awesome Brother brought a work-related project. I brought a couple of books related to my then-dissertation. Both of us took multiple occasions to withdraw to “get some necessary work done.” (A&U are somewhat prone to “BUT FAAAAAMILY!” reasoning, but A&U moved their family for U’s work umpteen times and understand why someone would care about a career.)
Your feelings matter. Your well-being matters.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t have any advice except making sure you do nice things for yourself amidst your family, even if it’s just little stuff–a cup of tea, a new book, coloring pencils, a manicure. . .whatever. Also, sometimes it helps me to have some kind of little talisman on my person–pocket-sized, generally, that I can surreptitiously squeeze/rub when stuck in an awful conversation.
I’m so sorry for your complicated loss. Are there friends or chosen family who you can keep on standby to text from the bathroom (ha ha ask me how I know of this coping strategy)? Or even someone who could come with you for a little bit? It sounds like a good time to lean on Team You a little bit.
I’m so sorry! If you can, stay in a hotel (rather than with family members), and give yourself permission to retreat there when you need to recharge or get some distance.
Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel– everybody experiences different emotions after a loss, and there’s no “right” way that you should be feeling.
I am so sorry.
I lost my younger brother as an adult, and it’s devastating. Losing a sibling is not just losing that other person, but losing a piece of oneself, losing history and identity. Close or not, that person shares a part of your life few other people see. That’s very painful.
I am sorry for the ambiguity surrounding the circumstances. I hope that becomes clearer and provides some closure.
With regard to the quality of your relationship, I think it’s normal to regret the things that didn’t happen and the things you wish had happened. Dive in and feel it, inventory it, get to know every corner, but then let yourself see the other stuff – ways in which you were exactly the sister he wanted you to be, and the ways in which you did share a satisfying sibling bond, and what you both contributed to the relationship. You co-created it, and it was satisfying enough that neither of you chose to change it. Hopefully that will come to be enough.
I am just cringing for you, about your upcoming family time. That sounds like buckets of suckitude. Don’t feel a moment of guilt for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and heal. Grief and family deaths bring out the worst in people. Be prepared, and be sure you look out for yourself. Do you have friends you can call for back up, for emotional support but also to attend whatever in-person family stuff is happening you want to attend? Really, ask those friends who can be there to do so. It’s what they (and we) are here for and want to provide. And truly, spend the time that is okay for you and not a moment more. Do what you need to be healthy.
My heart goes out to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Co-signing everything that has been said about being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself complicated feelings.
I’m so sorry. I don’t even have any good advice, just please know that some stranger on the internet is keeping you and your family in her thoughts. Sending lots of light.
I’m sorry for your loss. Please know that there is no “correct” way to grieve, no set timeframes, you won’t necessarily go through the “seven stages of grief” etc. Similarly, your family will probably be reacting differently at different times. So just be aware of that and that it is normal and okay.
I think one of the best things you can do is to acknowledge to each other how terrible losing your brother is. And then don’t feel bad if you need to leave early, or go for a walk, or run errands, or whatever to spend less time with your family. Take care of yourself still. Keep your existing coping mechanisms going.
Hello Toasties! Can we have a weird celebrity crush thread? Who is your weird celebrity crush?
I had a Very Nice Dream about Karl Pilkington a couple nights ago, and at first I was not sure how I felt about it but now I think I’m okay with it?
My celebrity crushes often start with dreams. I had a dream that Daniel Radcliffe was my boyfriend and let me stroke his pet lemur (not a euphemism) and suddenly I sort of have a crush?
I was not a Tom Hiddleston fan until recently after watching The Night Manager I had the most blush-making dream about him and now I … could get down with it.
I am here for weird celebrity dreams! One of the defining moments in my realization that I was queer was a strange dream about having a commitment ceremony with Renee Zellweger, who I’d never even paid much attention to.
I had a dream that I was Gwyneth Paltrow recently. But pre-conscious uncoupling. It was like a POV documentary about her life, in a sort of Peep Show way. Sort of like I had been body swapped with her but still retained my own thoughts and ideas.
THE HORROR
I find Michael Ian Black disproportionately attractive. Like, whatever level of attractiveness the universe finds him on average, I find him way, way, way, way more attractive than that.
Greg Kinnear. I love how he always looks like he was crying 5 minutes ago.
That is a perfect way to describe him.
I’m here for Greg. Also Michael Keaton. I don’t know.
My celebrity crushes are usually very not-weird. Alessandro Nivola? Ryan Gosling? Objectively gorgeous. Justin Trudeau? Objectively awesome. But I seem to have a budding thing for Hannibal Buress! I watch a lot of Broad City and I didn’t care for him for a while but I can’t get over his chill. And his laugh especially. OK, maybe that’s not weird either.
I ADORE Hannibal Buress as Lincoln! I definitely have a crush on Lincoln… not sure about Hannibal himself. I watched some of his standup and it’s like… 50% Lincoln, maybe? Not enough!!!
I haven’t watched his standup beyond one very brief bit. I am sure I would be with you!
I usually don’t like standup very much. I liked Louis CK for a while and now I am 99% over him. It was charming and then it just wasn’t.
I don’t know whether these are weird or not, but Peter Sarsgaard (always) and, after a very hot dream years ago, before he lost his marbles, Charlie Sheen. Also Nick from New Girl, whoever that actor is. And Jack White ever since I saw that tall drink of water in person.
Jake Johnson (Nick) is the best.
Yes to all of the above, other than Charlie Sheen. Hard pass, although I will always love him in the garbage Three Musketeers with Kiefer Sutherland (that movie was a huge part of my childhood).
I wasn’t introduced to that movie until I was in my 20s, and I still love it.
Okay, good, because I secretly love it a whole lot. (Also, your username is fantastic.)
Thank you!
Oh man, me too. It is so great/terrible.
Yass plz to Peter Saaaaaaarsgaaaaard
I would like to put my face on Michael Shannon’s face.
John Hannah, especially with a Scottish accent.
OH, I loved him in Four Weddings and a Funeral!
To be fair, anyone quoting Auden would probably go up like 1000% in my book.
Concur! To further cultivate weird celebrity crush in a weird setting, may I recommend his turn in the relatively recent Agatha Christie’s Marple. He was in the 4:50 from Paddington episode, and it was peak adorable Scottish-ness.
YOU are my celebrity crush for that username. My original Twitter handle, which I’ve always regretted giving up, was MadamePsychosis. <3
**blushing**
Gwendoline Christie, not weird because she’s unattractive, but because I have never actually seen her in anything
I have some weird pants-feelings for Iron Chef Michael Symon and I don’t care to interrogate them.
I like his voice.
Same here, although milder than pants, but conflicted! He is like a magnet in that I can’t gauge the attraction/repulsion response I have. He seems to have lust for life! But he seems awful! I can’t tell! I am reasonably sure I would hate him in real life.
Doesn’t he also have a funny giggly laugh? Maybe I am thinking of a different weirdly-compelling iron chef
Definitely the same weirdly-compelling Iron Chef. Many find the laugh irritating. I find the laugh. . .something different.
Michael Socha. He’s in a new show and he’s grown up a bit, but he still has all this sweet genuineness about him that is so working for me.
(New show is The Aliens, it’s awesome go watch it.)
Do athletes count? Then it’s David Luiz for me. He has crazy hair and he used to play for Chelsea. I should not love him. But I do. Also weird (but more understandable because he plays for the team I love), Mesut Ozil.
DAVID LUIZ!!!! Right there with you, buddy.
He’s adorable! I don’t understand it!
Columbus Blue Jackets manager John Tortorella.
I’m more sort of vaguely embarrassed by how little I’ve been able to shake my Ben Affleck thing, despite everything.
During Batman vs. Superman I found myself being guiltily very attracted to him. Solidarity.
Bill Hader. I’ve always found him funny and cute, but I had a dream in which he was a laid-back stoner type who rescued me when my car battery died, and I woke up with a major lady boner for that skinny, toothy dude that has yet to go soft.
I’m obsessed with Josh Helman? Like, I feel like I’m 16 again (and woooboy I haven’t been a teenager in years) and also might actually leave my husband for him if he wanted?
Iggy Pop!
Literally the only celebrity I have ever had a sex dream about is Jonny Lee Miller. This has happened more than once.
I’ve been oddly drawn to Robson Green ever since my first watch of Wire in the Blood so I’m happy to see him on Grantchester with that other cheekbones fellow.
My type is very much “scumbag” so my actor crushes are: PETER SARSGAARD #1 scumbag in everything, Joel Kinnaman in The Killing, and Corey Stoll as Pete Russo in House of Cards.
OMG Detective Holder forever and ever.
I recently started watching Voyager, and the Janeway/Mulgrew crush hit me HARD AND FAST. I’m still recovering.
Paget Brewster. She’s lovely in all her roles, but it was a audio-only podcast (Thrilling Adventure Hour) where I developed a fully blown, very significant, crush.
This is not so much a crush as a Very Nice Dream as well, in which I was awaiting a massage from Kevin Spacey (as Frank Underwood). Never thought of him as attractive before, but my dream-self was looking forward to that massage…
I’ve always had a thing for Jason Schwartzman ever since I saw him in The Darjeeling Limited. He’s so odd and yet…
This week, at the age of nearly thirty, I bought my very first pan. What life events have you left unusually late?
(It’s so pretty and shiny and I LOVE IT. I don’t even own any cutlery, but I now own a PAN. I am an ADULT.)
I’m 24 and I still don’t have a credit card, I should get on that.
I’m 23 and got a credit card this week! I was positive I was going to be rejected but apparently paying your student loan off on time every month (shoot me)= EXCELLENT CREDIT.
I’m nearly 27 and I just got my first credit card last month. It feels dangerous. O.O
oh get on it, I made this mistake and now noone will give me a mortgage!
I’m 24 and I’m scared of letting myself get a credit card. I’m already dangerous enough with a contactless debit card.
I got my first credit card around 22 or 23, and was also scared of the temptation a credit card would represent. My strategy (which has worked very well so far except for a few unfortunate setbacks when I was between jobs) was to put a few small, monthly bills on the credit card – netflix, planet fitness, a charitable donation – and then keep the credit card itself “hidden” in an envelope on my bookshelf. The monthly amount was small enough I could always pay it off in full, and the card wasn’t burning a hole through my wallet as I went around my daily life, but it was still available in case of emergencies. As someone upthread said, it pays to start a credit history asap, even if you have to trick yourself into doing it responsibly.
I keep mine around in case of emergencies and to pay for things online and I am SO glad I have it. The number of times my bike has broken down a few days before payday made it worth it, but I’ve also had to pay for emergency dental surgery this week and there’s no way I would be able to eat right now if I didn’t have that option.
Also, I don’t have ID but showing a bartender my credit card and tattoos has always worked to get me into bars
I’m 40 and still don’t have one.
I have had a credit card since I was about 18 (it was offered along with my bank account), but I still feel like I’m not using it right. I have only ever had a £500 credit limit and have never really needed it; I put the odd small purchase on it now and again when I remember and then pay it off in full every month, but I never really buy anything that costs more than I have in my account, so it doesn’t feel necessary.
I am nearly 31 and just applied for FAFSA for the first time and it is very nerve stuffing.
I am temporarily regressing a little bit at 31. I got rid of most of my stuff before I moved to a new city and I’m considering an apartment complex with furnished rooms because I can’t yet afford a one bedroom apartment.
I’m okay with this though. I’m slowly working towards a better life (my twenties were rough)
I didn’t learn how to pump gas until my mid-20s, and I grew up in Wisconsin where cars are, you know, abundant. I was just lazy and cheap. I still get a little nervous that the system won’t work and gas will overflow everywhere.
I was never worried about that until it happened to me. Don’t rely too unguardedly on the little click-tab-thingy.
yeah, definitely have had a surprise overflow situation. i was half-sitting in my car, playing on my phone, and suddenly there was gasoline gushing everywhere. i hurriedly stopped it and then ran in and asked the lady behind the counter if it would make my car blow up or anything, and she said no, it was fine.
See, I’m always worried that the click-tab-thingy will stop working so I just don’t use it.
when i bought my first car (which was very, very crappy and old) I blithely pulled up to the petrol pump, then realised I had NO IDEA how to open the little door to the petrol cap. My old crappy car did not come with instructions and I just sat there for about five minutes until I saw someone open theirs by reaching down and pushing some kind of lever and I was enlightened.
I have only had two cars. One had a locking gas cap, but the current one doesn’t. First time I went to fill it up, I looked around for the unlocking mechanism and couldn’t find it. I was out of the car, looking everywhere I could think of, nothing.
By the time it dawned on me that there was no mechanism because the cap wasn’t lockable, I was so embarrassed I got back in my car and drove to another gas station where no one had seen me circling my car and muttering.
Once upon a time in college I borrowed a friend’s car to drive an hour to take the GRE. I had to stop for gas on the way, which I thought I had left ample time for, but then I could not figure how to open the gas cap. I could not find a lever or a button or an instruction ANYWHERE and my friend was not picking up his cell phone and I was convinced I was stranded and would miss the test and everything would be ruined forever.
I did finally get ahold of my friend (in time to get gas and make it to the testing site and everything) and it turns out the damn thing was a hidden button in the glove compartment. WTF.
My dad still has a 1972 Oldsmobile convertible that he bought new. They brought me home from the hospital in it. It was the only car we had until my sister was born. Point being that I am well familiar with this vehicle. I just noticed last year that the gas cap is BEHIND THE REAR LICENSE PLATE. mind blown.
I’m 27 and don’t have a driver’s license (or learner’s permit) and not the slightest intention of acquiring one.
I’m 29 and have never even had my learner’s permit, let alone an actual driver’s license.
i’m 27 and i still don’t have a credit card. i know i ought to do it, but ehhhhh
Ya gotta, friend!
I’m also 27, and I finally got one in November. I’m still all sorts of ehhhh over it, but I like the idea of my credit score going up more. and possibly getting a loan for a house. You know, eventually. In my mid-30s.
I’m in my early twenties and have had 4 different apartments and I still don’t own a table or plates or flatwear? Those items have just always been provided by roommates. Anyways, I’m moving soon, maybe to a single person apartment, and have just realized I’m going to have to buy plates.
I’ve lived with so many people and i had a set of plates once…. but then I sold them because everywhere I moved, other people had better plates. I now own a cheap set (and silverware) that was given to me by an old roommate and 4 bowls I picked up from walmart for 89 cents each because I wanted microwave safe bowls.
It’ll happen!
Goodwill!! Get a nice set of plates cheap from someone’s estate.
I’m 26 and I can’t drive. (I have always lived in the south-east of England with access to plenty of public transport, though, and have lived in London for the last two and a half years, where a car is unnecessary.)
I have also never had a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage, owned a hairdrier or had a “proper” haircut (where they wash and dry your hair for you). Possibly I should get on that.
I didn’t learn to ride a bike until about four years ago. I’m 43.
When my parents tried to teach me, the girl down the street already had her training wheels off so I decided, if I couldn’t be the best at it, I didn’t want to do it at all. That might be considered, by some, to be a bit of a character flaw.
Yep, my 100% accurate flaw from http://the-toast.net/2016/03/02/why-are-you-lonel… BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS #ThanksMallory
Are you me? I am 38 and have still never learned to ride a bike.
We just taught my sister (her younger years weren’t spent with my family) last summer at age 37. If you want to learn I’d be happy to share some tips!
But hey, at least you’re self-aware enough to own it! (And to name yourself BestLaidPlans)
Have avoided bringing anyone home to meet the family, or discussing my dating life whatsoever with my parents. 25. Yay, repressed embarrassed Catholic upbringings!
I’m 31 and have never done a ‘meet the parents’!
I’m 31 and have never done this but am now seriously dating a guy (for the first time in my adult life) and am already freaking out about the fact that eventually he’ll have to meet my family. My sister pointed out that we are way too WASP-y for anyone to act inappropriately so at least I have that going for me.
19 and can’t drive, tie shoes or tell time on an analogue clock, among almost every other kindergarten skill
I still tie my shoes bunny-ear style instead of the grown-up way. They always come out even, so I claim that it’s superior (even if it’s probably my own lack of skill at the normal way that causes the unevenness).
I’m 29 and have never had a driver’s license. I recently (……six-ish months ago) got a learner’s permit again, but the jury’s out on if/when I’ll ever use it.
Also I just adopted a cat for the very first time a couple months ago. He is the best and sometimes I’m still staggered by the amount of responsibility involved.
I am getting my (first) Bachelor’s degree this year at the age of THIRTY-FIVE! I’ve been going to school on-and-off since I was 19!
Now I just need to get braces (which I have needed desperately since I was a teen) and I’ll be pretty much caught up.
Right on! I did both these things in my mid-30’s. 10/10, would matriculate and orthodontiulate again.
High five! Better late than never and all that I guess?
My spouse just got his at age 37! Congrats!
I’m 29, and I finally visited an aquarium for the first time last weekend!
Fun!! I love aquariums. I get depressed at zoos.
31 and I only bought my first iron and ironing board a few months ago. Which I have only used twice.
I’m terrified of irons. I used to have one of the steam kind but I was so afraid of it that I never used it and gave it away when I moved. I just throw clothes in the bathroom when I’m showering to get at least some wrinkles steamed out and hope nobody notices.
27, just moved into a much larger apartment, only to discover that all the furniture I own is a love seat, a tiny kitchen table, and 5 bookcases. And nothing else.
Gonna hit up some thrift stores this weekend, I have to have something to put my clothes in.
I am 66 and recently ordered a nice breadbox on Amazon — my first!!
I didn’t have a car, a cellphone or air conditioning until my early thirties, and I frankly considered that a plus (this was in the 90s when not having a cellphone was more feasible than now, but still).
I was really excited when Mr Cleo and I bought our first car together – I was 37 and I felt like such a damn grown up!
Am I the first to the open thread?
My aspirational summer activities include a lengthy just-for-fun road trip with friends, which I will never take because I love to be comfortable and hate to be inconvenienced, and a casual but passionate fling in which we both mutually understand the boundaries of our limited but wonderful love, which I will also never have because I am insecure, very bad at flirting, and take everything too seriously.
In other OT news, I committed to a graduate program last week, and my senior essay is due Monday! Rather terrifying (and I am very tired because of working on it until literally 6 am the other night, I am not designed for all nighters and should accept my frailty now) but I’ll be glad to be done and it’s time for a change.
Congratulations on the graduate program & good luck with the essay!
Our aspirational summer activities — get rid of 75% of our belongings in preparation for moving into new house so that we may live the life of cool Finnish (why Finnish? no idea) minimalism that would go with being a stone-cold ice queen. This is aspirational because getting rid of things is SO HARD and many of those things are thousands of books!
Oh beloveds, the week caught up with me. I’m going home at noon to nap so I probably won’t be on OT much today. Many kisses and see you all next week.
I had to take Mr. Thuja to the airport ridiculously early Wednesday and then picked him back up after midnight last night. I feel you. I wish I could nap.
I hope you have a wonderful nap! Thank you again for your kind words this week. I am looking forward to hunkering down at home tonight and ALL DAY tomorrow by myself! Dog cuddles, blankets, and Apple TV are in my future 😀
Wishing you a magnificent nap with the perfect amount of blankets, the temperature exactly right, and waking up refreshed and lovely without dry-mouth or that weird nap-headache.
Toasties, it’s my birthday! I got highlights put in yesterday so my hair looks amazing, my makeup looks fantastic, my new shoes are super comfortable, and basically I think 29 is getting off to an A++ start.
happy birthday! my brother is also turning 29 today! I need to remember to call…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
oh hey i am also 29 today! very exact birthday twins!
ahh, i am so excited to be an exact birthday twin with a fellow toastie <3 happy birthday to us!
happy birthday!
happy happy to you!
yayyyyyy!
(Here’s a silly secret which I will now share with the-toast in honor of your birthday: because you have an apple in your icon, and I have an apple in my icon, every time I see you post I think “wait, that is…. not… me..?….”)
haha, that is awesome – apple icons unite!
It’s my birthday too! April fools babies unite! Happy bday!
yaaay you and us!
Happiest of birthdays!
Happy Birthday!
You’re in your prime!
Happy Birthday!!
Happy Birthday! I turn 29 a week from tomorrow, so I can hope than on my birthday, I too have great new shoes and fantastic makeup. 🙂
Happy birthday!!!
cw for body horror
GUYS. DID YOU KNOW THIS???
Source
I need a book written about each individual sentence in this paragraph.
My beloved Toasties, under what circumstances would you decline to sell Napoleon’s wang for $100,000?
i… I honest to god don’t even know what to do with this information
I feel very strongly like I should have known about this already. Like, I have read many books in my life, and none of them mentioned this?
Yes, this information should be added to literally every book in existence.
So that I could tell everyone I had declined to sell Napoleon’s wang for $100,000, of course. Eccentricism doesn’t just happen, you have to work for it.
Hold out for the currency of the future. HOW MANY BITCOIN, hmmmm?
Because I’ve seen Jurassic Park.
Grant: “She? You mean it’s a female?”
Wu: “Oh yes, Dr Grant. All of our Napoleons are female.”
Baby Napoleon: :: screeee! ::
#wouldwatch
I’m waiting in a doctor’s office right now and having a very hard time from stopping myself from laughing hysterically.
I remember learning about this in third grade or so, because the Guinness Book of World Records in the classroom inexplicably thought “Most Expensive Body Part” was an important entry in the few pages on the human body, where everything else was the tallest/heaviest/shortest/lightest/etc people.
It was a piece of knowledge I never forgot but also never had a moment where it was ever useful or relevant until just right now.
OH MY GOD THAT’S INCREDIBLE
I’m so happy it was owned by a urologist, though.
I feel like if I were super super rich and had already disposed of the bulk of my estate to deserving charities, I might keep Napoleon’s wang just for an ELABORATE POSTHUMOUS GOOF at my will-reading. Like, leave it to my least favorite child or something.
This is what I shall now aspire to.
That’s almost as bananas as the story of Rasputin’s Peen!
“As it turns out, Rasputin’s penis has had a rather colorful history since its separation from his body. Here are some of the highlights. In 1916 Rasputin and his penis parted ways due to the machinations of a murdering gang of angry nobles. But, according to rumor, a maid found the bodiless member at the crime scene and saved it. During the 1920s a group of Russian women living in Paris acquired it (or acquired something that they believed to be his penis) and worshipped it as a kind of holy relic, while keeping it inside a wooden casket. Rasputin’s daughter, Marie, didn’t like the idea of her Dad’s penis hanging out with these women, so she demanded the thing back. And it presumably stayed with her until she died in California in 1977. It then disappeared for a while until it came into the possession of Michael Augustine, who found it tucked away in a velvet pouch along with some of Marie Rasputin’s manuscripts that he bought at a lot sale. Augustine sold the well-travelled penis to Bonham’s auction house who then discovered (surprise, surprise!) that what they had bought was not a penis, but instead a sea cucumber.”
http://hoaxes.org/weblog/comments/rasputin
But, according to rumor, a maid found the bodiless member at the crime scene and saved it.Y’know, as you do.
If I was a mad scientist who was going to use it to clone a race of short meglomaniacal military geniuses? Or at least someone who could very successfully cosplay Miles Vorkosigan?
Napoleon wasn’t actually that short, is a piece of trivia I know! He was reported as being short initially because the units of measurement used the same language in French and English but were actually different sizes. He was around 5 foot 6, but when translated to English that came out as like five foot one. The error was found out but spread around on purpose, kind of like how Shakespeare made Richard III a hunchback to curry favour with Queen Elizabeth.
/pedantry
“and stored it under his bed”
…that is just not a good place to store a penis, man.
But what if it were in a *lunchbox* under the bed? Surely that would be better?
centuries of people raggin on Napoleon’s hog, the conquest of Europe wasn’t worth it
i have a lot of questions about the decision of the doctor to remove the napoleonic wang in the first place. and give it to the rando priest. and then how did it get to the jersey urologist???
Can’t trust anyone.
I know about this and Rasputin, and there was also a rumours about Dillinger’s penis being preserved. My parents always keep trivia books in the bathroom, I feel like growing up one of them must have had a “famous penises” section.
Cat thread! I lost my sofa-duvet yesterday, but at least she was on the correct side of the sofa. 🙁
CAT THREAD!
I got home late last night and Julie Andrews had an OPINION about that:
THE HORROR!
NOT ALLOWED, HOOMAN.
Freya and Teekl have found space on what they clearly consider to be the world’s largest cat bed:
I will never be this relaxed, I fear:
If it wasn’t a cat bed, it wouldn’t be perfectly positioned for looking out the window/soaking up sunbeams! #logic
This is the face Amka makes when he’s successfully wedged himself onto the 3 inches of lap between my belly and the desk. So smug, so confident in my love for him despite his annoyingness.
Captain makes the same face when he does the same thing.
Look at these dummies pretending to be friends. Max and Mavis will do this for about 30 seconds, once a week now.
Gahh, sideways. My photo upload skills are not great, sorry!
Gertie likes to drink water out of the hair trap of the bathtub (she is a lady), which results in the tap dripping all over her head. Atticus always cleans her up.
Oliver wasn’t sure why I was up so early in the morning, but he appreciated the available lap
Asa, feeling that all the world is against her, despite being on a little bed made especially for her with leftover fleece in my sewing room.
Poor woeful Asa! The bed doesn’t have enough sequins, obviously. Also a minion feeding her prawns would be nice.
small cleo sat like this for like ten minutes
SO FLOOFY
I’m on a rollercoaster! Whee!….for ten minutes.
This is the cutest EVER.
In which Nathan helps me with my spinning:
Such a helpful fiber arts minion!
Knittleworking cat!
KNITTLEWORKING 😀
This week Bella remembered that there’s a couch in our game room with a view out the window, so her new daily routine is:
1. Throw a fit until someone puts her on the couch.
2. Supervise neighborhood birds until noon.
3. Hop down for a kibble/litterbox break.
4. Throw a fit until someone puts her back on the couch.
5. Nap until sun goes down.
I’m hoping she throws a fit because she is Too Dignified to fight against gravity.
She is not very dignified at all! No, she just can’t jump anymore, she had back surgery last year and it left her with one weak back leg. She gets around pretty well and can even get up the stairs by putting the bad leg up first and then hopping up with the good one, but the couch is too high for that trick.
After stealing two fresh green beans right out of the bowl and sticking her nose in a cup of soaking chia seeds, Calliope pauses in the sink:
Meanwhile, I disturb Clio’s slumber:
and am accordingly shunned.
Calliope = rife with rebellion, amped for more.
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar was the star attraction at my housemate’s Easter party, even though he spent it mostly hiding from everyone. I still want to track down the friend of my housemate’s who was taking photos and videos of him all night.
He’s currently asleep on my legs, although this picture is from yesterday when he was also asleep on my legs:
Here he is on the stairs:
FRIDAY GIF PARTY
My new fave
My week in a gif.
OMG I hate him so much.
Oh, Toasts, if I sent a Prospective Landlord my application on Monday, is it a terrible sign that I have still not heard back?
Also, if cramps are in the abdomen, why do the arches of my feet hurt?
I don’t think so! If they’re running a credit check, calling references, etc., it could definitely take like a week/week and a half.
Thanks! I feel better now!
I don’t think it’s a bad sign. My current landlord sat on our application for about a week until I anxiously called them to inquire and they were like “oh we approved you days ago, we just didn’t call!”, so.
Thanks! Maybe if I haven’t heard anything by Monday I’ll email him.
Also they may be waiting to hear back from your references/current landlord
True. I gave one of my roommates as a personal reference but she has not mentioned hearing from anyone yet; maybe he’s waiting to call on the weekend.
If you have a tennis or lacrosse ball around, rolling it under the arches of your feet when they hurt feels amazing. I’m going to go do that right now, actually.
Or a frozen water bottle!
Thanks! That is a great idea. I am going to close up the library like Soft Butch Mary Hatch and go home and DO that very thing! 🙂
You can also freeze a water bottle and roll it under your feet. Have you been walking a lot? Do you wear shoes with good support? Look up “plantar fasciitis” and see if that describes what your feet feel like–if it is there are lots of stretches you can do.
Thanks! I do walk a lot- I thought my shoes had pretty good support but they might just be wearing out.
Oh, Toasts, you are so knowledgeable and kind. 🙂
Also, check to see if your calves are tight. Calf tightness can result in arch pain. I don’t know why precisely, but bodies are curious.
Apparently all that tissue is connected. My podiatrist taught me achilles stretches for arch pain.
Thanks! Pretty much my everything is tight (and then had a lovely chat with my father about politics, which…did not help. But then I had a nice bath, which did.)
Good things that have happened this week: I have a tinder date tonight, I finally got my boiler fixed after a week without hot water and I got a new phone today! I got a Nexus 5x and I’m so happy I no longer have not download new apps because my phone is terrible.
Bad things that have happened this week: No hot water for a week. And I got screwed out of £100 by a photography ‘studio’ and I’m strongly considering just letting it go because I don’t have the energy to fight it out with them in small claims court where I’ll probably loose. I’ll write out the saga in a reply if anyone cares for some schadenfreude or boiling rage.
I feel so stupid over this whole thing. Before christmas I got sold a voucher for a make-over and photoshoot for me and a guest by two nice girls in a train station. I don’t really know why I bought the thing, I had thought of doing a similar thing before when I saw it on Groupon, and it was £50 down from £300 or whatever line they gave me. I thought it would be a bit of fun or whatever. And I remember thinking as I bought it ‘I sure hope this doesn’t turn out to be a scam.’
Well. They have all these restrictive policies, and they require a £50 deposit per person when you book. Once you’ve booked you cannot cancel and you can only reschedule once with 72 hours notice or you look your deposit. (these are just the relevant policies, there’s a buttload more.).
I thought I’d book the day for my birthday for me and my housemate, and without really thinking I booked it for a Friday afternoon in February, on the Monday of that week. Of course my housemate couldn’t make that because I didn’t check with her first, and it was stressing me out so much that I thought it would be best to reschedule. So I called about 48hrs ahead and asked to reschedule, the guy on the phone was pretty nice and did say it was within 72hr window, but if I wanted to reschedule I would have to put down another deposit of £50 person, I was kind of pissed but agreed because I just wanted it over with and I rescheduled for the end of March. My understanding of this conversation was that I was putting down another £100 on top of my previous £100 and if I participated in the session and complied with all the policies about lateness and outfits I would get my £200 back.
In the meantime my housemate went off and made other plans and left me in the lurch, and in the end a lovely Toastie from the FB group stepped in and agreed to go. At this point I didn’t even want to go, and I’d read some reviews online that told me the place was pretty crap and a rip off, but since there was £200 on the line I went and did the whole thing.
So after spending 4 hours getting made up and taking some photos (which only turned out ok.), I was told that there was only a £100 deposit on the booking I had and that was all that would be refunded to me (minus £50 I agreed to spend on 3 photos.). The staff got pretty worked up about it, claiming they were only weekend staff and not authorised to make any decisions blah blah blah (I imagine they have to put up with deposit shenanigans a lot and my major complaint was that there wasn’t anyone senior there to deal with it at the time.). So I left with my £50 refund and they said someone would contact me on Tuesday after the long weekend.
On Tuesday I got an email, including the recordings of my phone conversations booking both appointments, saying that my original £100 deposit was lost when I re-scheduled the appointment within the 72hrs (Essentially that appointment was cancelled and I booked a new appointment with a new deposit.) and they said I was made aware of the policy and that there was nothing they could do.
Having listened back to the calls, tbh its a borderline situation, yes I was aware of the policy, but I was calling to see if anything could be done about it. And the person on the phone never explicitly states that my original deposit is gone, although he also never explicitly says I’ll get both deposits back, but he does go on a big justification of why they take deposits and how they are returned to customers after the session. On the call he says ‘If you want to reschedule you’ll need to put down another deposit’, so in my mind I entered into an agreement with a representative of the company, and they should honour that agreement.
At this point I’m just generally bummed and fucked off about the whole situation (The photos really aren’t that good.), £100 is still a fair bit of money to me, and I could submit a claim to the small claims court over it, but I just don’t know if I have the energy for that fight knowing that it’s quite likely I’ll loose because policies and shit. Should I just let it go and write it off as a lesson learned?
Wow that sucks. Are there other less intense ways to get revenge/money- is there an ombudsman? Any consumer rights groups that could help? Would threatening them with small claims court and a bunch of bad reviews all over the internet help? Seems like they didn’t make it easy for you to understand, and if there were pages of conditions that’s not really realistic or reasonable to read and understand all of them.
That rots. I would be tempted to forgo the money, I suspect you are correct about the energy to funds recovered ratio not coming back in your favor. You could submit a report to the Better Business Bureau if you are in the States. I don’t believe they can do much with one report, but cumulative issues can be addressed over time.
Send a complaint letter registered mail, so someone has to sign it, and cc the attorney general for your state (findable online). Google how to use “Cc” in a formal business letter: I believe you put both addresses at the top of the page, in standard business letter format. Address the letter itself to the president or CEO of the company, by name, regardless of whom you expect to actually read it. Seriously. It implies you’re building a paper trail and getting ready to sue without requiring you to hire a lawyer. I have had 100% success with this method.
New phone high five! I am an email marketers dream and bought the new iphone yesterday after having too much coffee and receiving an email about it. So happy I put up with my piece of shit, cracked-screen, dies-four-times-a-day phone for 6 months. YAY.
It’s so shiny and new and I can go on the toast from it!!
I bought a Nexus tablet last year and it’s so good it made me buy the phone! I am now as android bro as it gets. But in fairness my last phone was 3 years old, and not a particularly good phone when I got it!!
I need a good old fashioned book recommendations thread. What should other people read?
I read a shit ton of historical fiction and memoirs and nonfiction.
Currently I’m working on The Witches (Salem 1692) and it is FANTASTIC. And most of it is about femininity in uncertain times and feminine power and subversion and it’s great.
Oooh the Languedoc trilogy by Kate Mosse might be right up your alley (Labyrinth, Sepulchre, and Citadel).
For historical fiction, I’m a big fan of Mary Doria Russell. A Thread of Grace is an absolutely devastating story about the Italian Resistance during WWII. She flipped a coin to determine whether her characters would live or die to make it more realistic. I love all of her books, but that one in particular sticks with me.
The Sparrow though. That book still haunts me.
Yes, that one too. Her latest is currently sitting on my shelf waiting for me. I really need to find time for it
Books that will put you at risk of dehydration from crying: The Sparrow
(see also Children of God)
I love that one. (I mean, in so much as love is the appropriate word for that kind of thing. . .)
I am all over Hilary Mantel’s A Place of Greater Safety, about the french revolution. I’m not smart enough to tell you if it’s good, or historically accurate, but I’m really enjoying it and, y’know, she’s won a lot of prizes! Also, I don’t know anything about the french revolution so I’m genuinely in suspense over who will live and who will die (my guess: sticky ends all round, but IDK!)
(Apparently the BBC made so much money on Wolf Hall, they’re also making this into a tv series and I wonder if there’s some poor screenwriter pulling their hair out right this moment over how to adapt it in a way that makes any sense.)
Oh, I need to read more Mantel! I love the Wolf Hall books but have not read anything else. <adds to list>
An Experiment in Love is not historical fiction but it is fantastic and somewhat chilling.
YES YES THANK YOU THIS BOOK IS MY FAVOURITE EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT
I JUST FINISHED IT AND I AM IN BITS. I didn’t know who was gonna die! I’m so sad!
Midnight at the Pera Palace is a fantastically written book about Istanbul in the 1910’s to the 1940’s. It made me understand a lot about current Turkey actually (I’m Turkish but my mom’s side of the family is super nationalistic so it’s hard for me to find unbiased sources on Turkish/Ottoman history. The other extreme tends to be “Turkey and its people are terrible.”)
I’ve been discovering that tragically few people have read the Thursday Next series. If you like literature, puns, badass middle age heroines, cheese, and Miss Havisham owning the shit out of everyone, I highly recommend you check them out.
Here for Thursday Next!! I love it and want to be a member of LiteraTec.
Yes! LiteraTec is definitely my dream job.
I started this series last week after reading about them from Toasties, and I’m now waiting for my library hold on the third one. Thanks, Toast, for yet another great book recommendation!
Right now I’m reading Euphoria by Lily King which is about anthropologists in New Guinea in the 30s, apparently inspired by Margaret Mead. I didn’t think it would be up my alley at all. It doesn’t really intersect with any of my interests. But I am *loving* it. I’m only halfway through but I already want to recommend it to everyone-FB, Goodreads, random strangers on the street…
Also, the cover is gorgeous
Rosemary Sutcliff’s historical fiction set in Roman Britain is pretty great. Beautiful and well-researched. They’re generally about Roman soldiers, so most of her characters are male, jsyk, but some female characters do show up and are totally badass. The Eagle of the Ninth and The Silver Branch are sequels, and Frontier Wolf is one of my favourites.
The Sword and the Circle was the book that got me into Arthurian legends.
It’s hella popular and you might have already read it, but Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett is fantastic. Super long, generation-spanning, excellently-researched historical fiction about a bunch of people in the Middle Ages trying to build a cathedral. The sequel, World Without End, is similar, set in the same town a couple generations later when the Black Plague hits. I love ’em both to death.
If you’re a sci fi person I just finished The Three Body problem and recommend it. Classic sci fi plot device, but written by a Chinese author and set against the background of the cultural revolution, plus a hefty helping of particle physics discussions.
I just started reading TBP today! It’s not an easy one to start over breakfast (especially when you HAVE to put it down and go to work).
I just finished Kindred by Octavia E. Butler (as recommended by Toasties to read immediately but then I procrastinated on). It was a one evening read and sooooo good. I’m pretty sure the next time I’ve replenished my book-buying budget I’m picking up every other Butler book.
Third-ing this rec – I thought TBP was one of the weirdest/best scifi books that I’ve read, and the sequel is even weirder/better. I think the final book in the series comes out soon!
Everyone who likes historical fiction should read the Aubrey/Maturin series, it is peak historical fiction and I adore it to death. (And I kind of want more Toasties to weigh in on Diana; the accepted stance in fandom is that she is terrible and the more I read it the more I like her.)
Also The Scarlet Pimpernel, because really.
Nonfiction: Traffic by Tom Vanderbilt is my go-to nonfiction rec, he’s so interesting and the psychology of traffic, it turns out, is fascinating. For something a little heavier but no less fascinating, Debt: The First 5,000 Years by David Graeber, an anthropologist who’s interested in the moral weight of debt and how that fucks with people. (This is the book where I learned that the destruction of the Mayan Empire was a direct consequence of an economic crisis in China, which I find inexplicably enthralling. Globalization: Not Just A Twentieth-Century Phenomenon!)
DIANA IS AMAZING, I WILL HEAR NOTHING AGAINST MS VILLIERS
I’ve been thinking about reading Aubrey/Maturin because I have a very strange affection for Master and Commander which I first saw on a transatlantic flight when I was a teenager and kinda fell in love with James D’Arcy and Paul Bettany. If it’s on TV I’ll always change the channel to it. (Also Pippin is in it!)
I adore that movie! It’s a fairly good match for the books, except for the fact that the books actually have women in them, and Stephen is even crankier than you could imagine.
We bought a DVD/Blu-ray player this week, ostensibly for the upcoming Star Wars release, but also because MrChouffe was feeling so incredibly depressed about not having seen Master and Commander in such a long time. It, and the books as a whole, are his very favorite.
My husband has read and re-read those books so many times, I can’t even count.
(I’ve read four of the Aubrey-Maturin books so far.) I love Diana although I don’t like her very much. I get the feeling she wouldn’t especially want me to like her. She’s always choosing to do things that will push people away, ruin her reputation, and hurt people who care about her; but I have a lot of sympathy for how steadfastly she refuses to abide by conventional wisdom, even when the results are destructive to herself; how she needs to prove her own freedom to do what she chooses, over and over again.
YES, THIS. She’s not a likeable person, but she is genuinely in a horrible position – her love live is basically the same as Jack’s and he’s just a bit of a philanderer and she’s the Bitch Queen from Hell, both in canon and in fandom.
She’s decided that if people aren’t going to like her, then fuck them, she’s going to give them a reason not to like her. And my inner sixteen-year-old punk still really admires that.
I have only read like the first 8 of them but … how can Diana be terrible?? Diana is AMAZING.
Also, both those non-fiction recs sound amazing and are going onto the Big Big List.
Other people should read Nicola Griffith’s Hild (and all her other novels too), and Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall (and the sequel and probably lots of her other novels.) But I suspect you have already read these things!
In memoir, Cassandra here is Very Slowly reading Helen MacDonald’s H Is For Hawk and says it is beautiful and harrowing and she recommends it 100%. We also just heard about a 1980 memoir called Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady by Florence King which is apparently filled with female rage and girls who like other girls, so we are going to get it from the library when our current TBR pile allows.
H is for Hawk was the best book I read last year. Co-sign!
Yes to Hild! That book is great.
If you, like me, get stressed out when you can’t pronounce the names of characters in your head I highly recommend the audiobook of Hild, because man would I not have gotten most of those names right.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/29681438?sh…
Alla these. 🙂
At the (Twitter, not in-person, or even to me specifically on Twitter) recommendation of Kate Beaton, I’ve been reading The Time Traveler’s Guide to Medieval England: A Handbook for Visitors to the Fourteenth Century and it is AMAZING. (it is non-fiction)
I LOVE THAT BOOK! There’s a tudor one too. The TV series was charming.
I always have to recommend Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter.
Also, The Turner House by Angela Flournoy which is soso good.
Burial Rites by Hannah Kent is fascinating, but harrowing.
The Maisie Dobbs mysteries by Jacqueline Winspear.
The Gyles Bandreth Oscar Wilde books are kind of fun, if you’re into Victorian cameos and the idea of Oscar Wilde and Arthur Conon Doyle tooling around solving mysteries. The Montmaray journals are also excellent for (WWII London) cameos.
Yes to Burial Rites! I got so much more attached to the characters than I thought I would and so consequently sobbed my heart out, and really kickstarted my obsession with Icelandic.
Oh, picnics. In the course of wine “tasting” with BestLaidPlans last weekend, I spotted a metal thingy that drives into the ground and perfectly holds/balances two large wine glasses and a wine bottle and thought, “Now that looks like a useful device!” but of course, did not purchase it.
I am just about ready for patio drinks. What is your favorite spring-is-here! patio drink? I favor light wines, but most especially dry rosè and sauv blanc.
those are my favorite wines too! I also like the “let’s go to the store and see what fruit looks good, stick it in the food processor, and mix it with rum” outdoor drinks approach.
That is my absolute favorite outdoor drinks approach, although in hotter weather I tend to lean toward gin over rum. (Cucumber also counts as a fruit for these purposes.)
I’ve actually gone so far as to read the reviews on the wine stake thing. it does not get high marks for stability. The little tables that roll up get a lot better reviews.
Also wine spritzers! And gin, grapefruit, sparkling water and lillet
Ah! See, this goes a long way toward assuaging my regret, THANK YOU
Always Read Reviews is how i spend $0 on silly things i want to buy all the time. i ponder the bad reviews
Light wines, yes, but also G&Ts. Also, tiki drinks when Mr. Ada and not me goes through all of the effort to make them. I’m partial to a Dr. Funk or a Three Dots and a Dash.
Sauv blanc is my absolute fav. I also like stuff with grapefruit, like palomas and greyhounds. They make me feel so virtuous.
I like the idea of the wine stake but it really needs a permanent placement in the yard. It isn’t something you can just cart around with you, willy-nilly, like Vlad the Impaler.
I’m just gonna say, though, that the Vlad the Impaler thing could come in really handy at some point at the beach
I do like to keep a six-foot radius of space around my beach blanket.
I’m just thinking about all the dudebros along the west side of Michigan and, hey, jousting.
I am doing so much rose drinking in an effort to bring spring a little faster. I love anything gin and grapefruit for a Spring! Patio drink too.
Yes to those wines, also sangria.
When it comes to Pleasant Outdoor Drinking, for my money you can’t beat a tinto de verano, which is what happens when you chill a fruity red wine, pour about 4oz of it into a glass full of ice, and then top off with a citrus soda (you can be fancy and use almost any kind of San Pelligrino, or you can go for Squirt, grapefruit Jarritos, or even Sprite/7Up).
To be fair, I think this really is more of a summer drink than spring (hence the name, which just means “summery red wine”) but lbr I break that shit out as soon as possible every year.
fruit, soaked in alcohol, then tossed into lemonade, forever
…vodka strawberry lemonade is a thing I never new I wanted until RIGHT NOW. Why is it raining and forty degrees outside?
I just started craving cider again after drinking wine all winter. Here’s to deck season! (in the Prairies, there is only deck season and winter)
Wear sturdy shoes, take them off, and put the wine bottle in one of them!
Vinho verde. It’s the perfect summer wine and it’s affordable ($7-$9 per bottle). I know you said spring, but I’d say it still applies.
YES. I am a lightweight where alcohol is concerned, and vinho verde is one of the few things I can have more than one glass of, without regret. Also, it goes with everything I want to eat in spring or summer.
Fruity beer! Oberon obvi, or Soft Parade.
Best rose wine tip is Alexander Valley Vineyards Dry Rose of Sangiovese. Dry without being overdry with some lemony overtones. Totally delicious and also reasonably priced!
This wine cooler recipe from the Hartwood restaurant in Tulum looks delicious because: mint, honey, and ginger.
an icy Moscow Mule (lime, ginger beer, vodka), or –I don’t even know what this drink is called, does anyone else? but I make it all the time — icy vodka, lime, fizzy water, elderflower syrup. Gin will work just fine instead of vodka, too.
ah, my kingdom for a patio! I have a front stoop, but it is really not the same thing to be sitting just above the sidewalk while cars whizz by and the neighbors need to edge past you to get in. I guess there is always Public Drinking in the Park with Friends and a Thermos.
Happy April 1, toasties! Please appreciate this Broadway style guide with one Leslie Odom Jr. http://broadwaystyleguide.com/2016/03/leslie-odom…
Hanging out in the DMV right now, but it’s for a good cause since I’m getting to officially take ownership of my parents’ car.
Oh, my. I do appreciate it.
HE’S SO PRETTY his skin is so smoooooth i love him
Thank you sooooo much for this. It’s like he’s looking RIGHT INTO MY SOUL and he sees nothing there that is any less beautiful than he himself is.
Most of them have been together since the show was at the Public Theater last year, and Odom wants to soak up the time they have left together, as most of their yearlong contracts will be up for renewal in July and some, including possibly Odom, might leave the show for other endeavors.
AHHH!
Yet another moment to be grateful to Mel of Oct ’15 for buying tickets for June ’16.
SAME. (:
I don’t think I’ve ever really taken the time to appreciate the male ankle, but damn.
“Can I take your picture, Aaron Burr, sir” might have made me tear up a little.
No words, just *hearteyes*.
RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO SEE THE DRESSMAKER IMMEDIATELY.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPCyjqGH914
THE TRAILER DOES NOT DO IT JUSTICE. THIS FILM IS SO FREAKING GLORIOUS. IT IS LITERALLY INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS BUT WITH DRESSES.
YESSS. I have watched the trailer about 70 times and I cannot wait to see it. Where did you see it (please say DC please say DC or at the very least the US).
Or even better, did you see it on video/DVD/the computer?
Computer! The Australians have already released the DVD. I’ll repent by seeing it in the cinema AND bringing all my friends with me (my preaching has convinced them already) when it gets here.
This looks like everything I want in a movie? How have I never heard of it!? I’m gonna find it for tonight!
It’s pretty new! It was released in Australia in like October 2015. Which I found out yesterday, when I desperately googled to find out why no one had ever told me about this movie. For some reason I assumed it was a few years old and that somehow everyone forgot about it? But no! It’s all new and shiny.
Seriously this is weaponised femininity incarnate. Male reviewers do NOT understand this film, they don’t get the humour. Don’t read their stupid manpinions, revel in the glory of the director Jocelyn Moorhouse: she calls it “Unforgiven with a sewing machine”.
“It’s a tale of a stylish stranger who comes into town to avenge some crimes against herself and her mother that happened 25 years earlier. She’s there to punish the evil-doers, but in the meantime she makes some amazingly glamorous frocks.”
how could anyone not enjoy that
why is the trailer trying to paint this film as a remake of Chocolat when the director describes it as a magical realism Spaghetti Western
(also try to avoid spoilers if that’s something you like to care about, because there are some great twists and turns in this movie)
Manpinions. Brava!
Whaaaaat that sounds so much better than I was led to belive, I could have seen this in theatres last year but the world has failed me burn it all down.
also, and I hate this is even a thing, but it’s nice to see a (maybe) romantic pairing of older actress/younger actor because come on. Why is this even a thing I have to be happy about because it seems rare?
I NEED THIS. Kate Winslet is everything.
I have not seen the film but I have read the book. It’s hilarious but also pretty dark.
Yes. Well. I just cried my face off.
I will see it nonetheless. Thanks.
I NEED THAT IN MY EYEBALLS RIGHT NOW, OH MY GOD IT IS ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY PAINFUL
Also, the new predictions about climate change this week have been especially heavy (not that they’re ever light). Even before I became a parent, my anxiety, fear, and guilt about what’s happening to the planet could be crushing if I dwelt on it long. I saw the appeal of the Dark Mountain Project’s manifesto:
“The end of the world as we know it is not the end of the world full stop. Together, we will find the hope beyond hope, the paths which lead to the unknown world ahead of us.”
Now that I have a baby, I’m at a loss about how to think about any of this. This Nation article was helpful in the sense that it shows that a lot of other people are in the same place, at least.
How do you think about climate change—or, as Dark Mountain puts it, being “poised trembling on the edge of a change so massive that we have no way of gauging it”? It just seems like we’re so far beyond the “doing your bit” pep talks I got when I was in school.
This remains one of my biggest parenting anxieties. I mostly deal with it by going “ha ha, whoo, I am functionally powerless” and then getting mopey whenever I think about it.
Honestly? I ignore it. I’m ashamed to say it, but I really do. I do my part–vote for politicians who I hope are on the right side, try to reduce my consumption, but–I’ve stopped reading the articles. I just can’t. It’s too terrifying and I feel too helpless.
If anyone has better ideas, I’m all ears!
Don’t feel too bad for ignoring it – the large corporations that caused climate change have managed to convince us that we as individuals can somehow make a difference. That’s bullshit of course, but it puts the blame on us and allows them to keep on wrecking everything while we re-use our cloth grocery bags.
I have such horrible anxiety over climate change, and also feel completely powerless to do anything about it. I guess I could volunteer at organizations that try to lobby for legislative change? Or march in demonstrations? But mostly those feel completely inadequate to what we’re facing and I get very depressed when I think about it, which is probably not helpful at all.
This bothers me so much. I was talking with my husband last night* about how we tend to be condescending about history and that future generations will RIGHTLY JUDGE us to have been willfully blind for not “believing in” climate change.
* he just finished a biography of Sidney and at the end of his life a medical-type-professional’s (not Sidney’s doctor but easily could have been) recommended “cure” was, no lie, the blood of a virgin younger than [young age] taken on a night when the earth was in [a specific astrological sign] and the moon in [another specific astrological sign].
Because we know what FACTS and TRUTH are and those way-back people were such backward morons.
I think that is so true. I think they will also rightly judge us for not doing more to prevent it when we could (or at least when it was conceivable). I already hold the boomers more to account for this than is probably fair.
I teach a course on climate change (plus I study glaciers, which is just depressing) and am always full of anxiety. I do take some solace in that my class’s focus on giving a scientific foundation before talking strategies seemed to work in that a whole bunch of students acknowledged that it’s happening who hadn’t before. So, I am immersed in climate, climate, climate. Yet, I still drive over 30 miles one way for my commute (my current dream is to get solar panels, one of those tesla batteries, and a plug-in electric car). I have no idea how bringing a kid into this is going to change my anxiety level, but at least I’ve got 6/7 or so months to mentally prepare (oh god, that’s soon). I have no idea about solutions because they really seem to need to be at the really big level, but I am reasonably glad I live and own a house in an area that’s not going to be water resource limited and will probably be an area of climate migration.
I have no idea. I read the Times piece and was an absolute wreck. Don’t have kids but we’re trying to, and I’m feeling tons of guilt about the idea of leaving a kid a world in which there is no New York (for starters).
I appreciate the idea that the world will go on, somehow. But fuck.
Yeah, there was a Toronto Star piece a while ago about what the world will be like in 50 years for a baby born today and the best case scenarios were still pretty bleak. I used to be kind of snotty about environmentalism – you know, like if a co-worker threw a pop can in the garbage I’d pointedly pick it out and put it in the recycling. Now that I have a kid (and that I’m more aware of what a colossal clusterfuck we’re in) I’m more often overcome with just despair. every individual in the world could become an avid recycler tomorrow and it wouldn’t be enough. Ontario just announced a Cap and Trade program that I feel awfully cynical about.
I’m writing a work right now where the world is fresh and green and all fixed again – but humans have been gone from it from ages, only immortal cyborgs live here now. I have plans for a near-future environmental detective story. I don’t know, fiction helps?
I can’t even imagine dealing with climate change anxiety as a parent, given that my current method for Dealing is to release all my human-centric feelings and embrace the weirdness and beauty of the universe in all its life forms. Must be pretty tough to do that when you have little lovable humans you’ve created…
Without getting too preachy, I do think it’s incredibly important to support politicians and organizations that address climate change, and to reduce your own consumption. It won’t fix the situation we are in, but we are especially damned if we don’t try.
I study it – I don’t know why that helps, but thinking in terms of individual impacts, rather than one big scary thing, somehow feels better. I also think about how the Earth will be okay without humans, if it came to that. And about how we’ve had big environmental problems in the past and made good progress on them. I also don’t have kids to worry about, which might change the picture.
Aspirational summer activity: I want to be on a motherfucking boat. By “boat” I mean a small canoe or sail boat to take out on the local pond, take it to the island in the middle and have a picnic. It’s a multifaceted New England fantasy involving well-stocked baskets and sweater capes.
This is an A+ goal. Canoe day trips are so much fun.
Does this fantasy include a small argument and someone and/or both of us falling off into the water from the canoe and then collapsing with laughter on the shore? Because in mine thats a necessary component.
In this particular pond I have in mind, that might lead to drowning? Or at least floating helplessly until I am rescued? It’s big and deep and I’m not a particularly strong swimmer (though I am EXCELLENT at floating).
Also, I meant to say “row boat” and not “canoe”–so much less risk of tipping!
Wear a PFD! I don’t care if it interferes with your sweater cape, wear it anyways.
Every summer for the past…quite a few now, some friends and I go overnight canoe camping down the Wisconsin River. This involves a lot of booze, delicious food, and lots of sandbars. It is one of my favorite things.
My sister and I have started doing this! We love finding a sandbar of our very own.
I got one of these a few years ago and it was one of the best outdoorsy things I’ve found. Don’t even bother with launches or anything, just hike out with the pack to wherever there’s a body of water and boat back.
Very ambitious. I just want to go spend a week in a lovely cool northern lake. No canoe necessary.
Also thank you to the few friends who listened to my worries a couple of OTs ago about my tiny-human’s possible hearing problems. I was not being paranoid– she was definitely NOT responding to my voice– but i WAS being impatient that she wasn’t doing what she was supposed to be doing by the prescribed milestone deadlines. Literally the day I made an appointment with an audiologist, she started turning to my voice and her name through every single test I could think of. I suppose the girl’s motivated by a deadline. ANYWAY thank you for your support! I suppose constant worry is the game we’ve gotten ourselves into.
What a relief!
My son used to do this too, as a baby. We’d take him to a well-baby check up and he’d not be meeting one or two milestones. The pediatrician would say “well, he’ll probably start doing so-and-so in the next two weeks, but if he doesn’t, give me a call.” We’d thank her, pick up the baby, bring him home, and he would IMMEDIATELY accomplish $MILESTONE.
My first kid literally walked for the first time 20 minutes after we got back from her 15-month checkup in which I’d had to tell the doctor, no, she’s not walking yet… Luckily, our pediatricians are a team of pathologically laid-back hippies so they didn’t have me freaked out, but seriously?
Glad your kiddo is doing well, Joelle!
My brother didn’t walk until about a week before our 18-month checkup.
I’m so glad your tiny human hit her milestone!
Our daughter is a perfectionist, so she hit a lot of the milestones towards the late end because she would not walk until she could walk perfectly. Our son is utterly easy-going, so he hit a lot of the milestones on the late end because he saw no reason to walk when he could crawl. Babies!
Glad to hear it! (pun inadvertent.)
I have Kid1 who hit every milestone at the front end of the range, and Kid2 who hit the back end, so on average I have 2 very average kids. But it was extra-freakafying for Kid2 to not walk until 14 months when his brother had walked at 9.
(Kid2 is just hell-bent on being an individual, it seems.)
You’re paying attention, and that comes with a share of constant worry, but it’s still a good thing.
So happy for your good news!
I get to play with a raven next week!!!! And every two weeks after that!! I get to decide if I want to simply hang out with him so he gets less skittish around humans, or conduct enrichment activities of my choosing. I am so excited. His name is Edgar.
Also, one of my fantasy fiction tumblr posts has been steadily gaining notes for a week, and it is now over 300 notes. Minor internet popularity success! Huzzah!
Edgar!!!!
Neat! There’s a raven who I believe is also named Edgar at the nature center in the park near our house, but then I suspect there are a lot of ravens named Edgar out there.
I, too, have met a raven named Edgar. Must be a popular name for ravens 😉
I am so envious of the raven thing!
!!! How does one sign up for raven friendship?? That is AMAZING.
For about 9 months now, I’ve been volunteering with the local wildlife center. I feed the owls in the evening once every two weeks. The wildlife center has hawks too, and they’ve recently acquired a raven (all of these animals are rescues who can’t be released into the wild). They’d ultimately like to use the raven as an educational bird, like they do with several of the owls and hawks at the moment, so the volunteer coordinator has told all of us raptor feeders that we’re welcome to spend time with him and conduct enrichment activities.
PICTURES PLEASE.
#corvidsftw!
I have to go start the process of resigning my one year contract job after six months in half an hour. I am completely dreading it, because I love my team, but the work isn’t a good fit and I’ve been offered a permanent position that’s kind of my dream job. Which is exciting! But I still feel absolutely horrid and have procrastinated on telling people as long as possible. (I’m giving a month’s notice at this point, but still.)
Please send me your good vibes!
It’s going to be ok. I think they can’t help but understand that a job with no end date vs one ending in 6 months is better. I would just put it down as, “I’m so sorry, I just wanted to start seeing what the market is like, since it’s only a year contract and I expected to be looking for at least 5 months, I never thought they’d offer me a job so soon!”
To fill in a little more background, this new job has actually been on my radar since last June (long before my current job was). When I spoke to someone there at that time, I was told that although I’d be a good fit, they’d just closed their vacancy announcement and wouldn’t be posting another for several months. So when that vacancy announcement did come open again in January, that’s when I actually applied.
Good vibes. And honestly, it’s a reality of the professional world. Your career kind of has to come first.
Congratulations! I think the usual advice is “go in with some succession planning in place,” but really, it’s up to your employers whether they want to be cool and supportive or cranky and selfish. Good vibes, good luck!
Friends, w/r/t an open thread a few weeks ago: I officially do not need a prophylactic mastectomy! Just lots and lots of extra screening. And I will definitely get to keep my ovaries for at least another 3 years, and maybe longer, depending on what new research comes out. So that’s pretty nice. I mean, not ideal. But not the worst!
Yay! That’s fantastic.
It IS!! Thanks, b&r. 🙂
Maybe not ideal but “avoiding major surgery” is always good news!
Right?! I feel pretty dang good about it! Happy spring to one and all!
woohoo!! Thanks for updating with the good news!
Yay, that must be quite a relief! I went to spit in a tube just this morning myself. I had breast cancer 14 years ago (one side only) and I never got the test because I simply wasn’t ready and it’s not in my family, so it’s unlikely I have the mutation, and I am already watched and watching myself very, very closely. But now – in no small part due to reading your and other Toasties’ stories – I am ready to know one way or the other.
Oh, I’m so glad to hear that!
Well I went on a highly successful date with a bona fide modern day Viking (tattoos, metal, PhD, grew up in fucking Greenland) that ended with lounging in bed being served espresso and weird Danish breads, soooooo I’ll call this a great week in dating history
Holy shit. That is epic on truly, truly Viking levels (also did you see there is a newly-found Viking settlement in Newfoundland omg omg)
YES I CANNOT WAIT TO BADGER HIM ABOUT IT THROUGHOUT DATE #2
Also I was like “I really need to go on vacation…” and before I could even finish my sentence with “…to Iceland” he was all “I’m going to Iceland this summer you should come too”
You’re gonna love Iceland – everyone’s a viking there, and they’re all hot. Like, literally the dude that worked at the car rental place in the airport was BEAUTIFUL and he couldn’t say the word “liable” correctly and my heart melted into a horny puddle.
Honestly I’m not sure I can even handle a romantic vacation to Iceland when I know that every person who speaks to me will reduce me to a sobbing horny puddle
That sounds like basically the best vacation ever. Please please please go. Do it for The Toast.
One photo album of me weeping and rending my garments at the feet of various perplexed Icelandic service industry workers, coming up!
horny puddle
A+++
I went to Iceland and went out on a Saturday night and ended up getting it ooooooooon and stumbling back to the Air BnB at 4:30 am (they can party there, they really can) and now I have Icelandic Facebook friends. Highly recommended.
Danish breads are good. Also a lot of scandinavians do the doona/dyna comforter thing, which I highly recommend between lovers so here’s hoping you get to take advantage of that for as long as you wish to!
The ‘doona/dyna comforter thing’ sounds so intriguing, and google is just trying to sell me comforters. What does that mean??
http://www.scandinaviastandard.com/hello-world/
It’s just that each person has their own comforter even on a big bed. It’s pretty nice.
This is BRILLIANT
It is a GAME CHANGER.
Sounds like a keeper. I hope the tattoo just says I grew up in fucking Greenland…
I have not found that one yet, but the one on his forearm I suspect to be Yggdrasil!
I am aromantic and asexual and I think I might date a guy with a tattoo of Yggdrasil on his forearm.
I am generally known to be an icy, heartless devourer of men and this guy is provoking all kinds of strange new ideas in my pantsheart. Starting to suspect he may not be a human man?
Not-a-human-man may not be a dealbreaker, though, right?
Oh I don’t know, not-a-human-man can also be very very sexy so long as we are not talking sparkly vampires.
It is indeed seeming like more and more of a positive quality as I grow older and wiser
Non-human man, only kind worth keeping around.
I am boiling over with envy right now, geez.
holy god it sounds like you stepped right into a romance novel IN THE BEST WAY
Who knew “I started hunting seals for food when I was seven” could make you die of the swoons?
It would be weird to demand a transcript of your every date, right?
But damn, this guy! Well-done you for allowing him to Viking up your date life!
Yeah, I’m going to also suggest that transcripts would enrich both your experience and as a modest side-effect, also ours. 🙂
Date #2 was just rescheduled from next week to two hours from now, will take detailed notes!
ETA he’s picking out wine, I’m providing a cheese/charcuterie spread sourced from the various regions I have called home, since he didn’t believe me when I told him Americans can make good cheese. I’m expecting strong results.
Once you go Viking, you never go……..biking………….
That sounds like a total WIN to me
Bravo, bravo.
I wish to live vicariously through you based in this towering success. Please keep us informed. Well-informed. kthx.
AIIEEE FIRST PAGE!
1. What do you do when you are completely frustrated by people being incompetent and you know you can’t yell at them because it will only make it worse? Where do you put the rage and how do you cope?
2. Anyone know any good sulfate free shampoo and conditioner brands for curly haired people and names of chain stores that might carry them, or locations in NYC if specialty stores?
3. I have been unemployed for 6 months and waiting for a start date from the job I was offered IN JANUARY and I finally start in a week at my dream job, and it is so exciting.
I mean, I wouldn’t call them “good”, but I use L’oreal sulfate free shampoo and conditioner, and they’re … fine! My hair looks fine! And you can buy them practically anywhere.
Congrats on your dream job, that’s amazing!
I use (and like) these, too. Everpure or Eversleek or whatever. I have color-treated, wavy hair, not true curly hair, though, so make of that what you will.
My very curly-haired partner uses the Devachan shampoo/conditioner brand and it can be found at Ricky’s. I just looked at the bottles and they are sulfate-free.
Bumble and bumble! I use their sulfate-free “invisible oil” shampoo/conditioner, but they have one especially for curls: http://www.sephora.com/bb-curl-care-sulfate-free-…
Ohhhhh snap. I love B&B but it’s not sulfate free and I like to bleach my hair. This is a game changer.
Sephora carries both DevaCurl and Ouidad. I have more experience with the latter than the former, but I’ve had positive experiences with both.
I also like Redken’s Frizz Dismiss, which you can get at Ulta and which I have also found at CVS.
My husband and I both struggle with number 1 on your list. Mostly, I swear at my computer because, frequently, the incompetence is on display in emails.
Shea Moisture products are all sulfate-free and the ones I’ve tried are pretty nice. I’ve seen them in Target, Walgreens, CVS, etc. The coconut hibiscus products have a lovely scent too.
1) I have two members of my team who get my ‘jesus god how can person x be this bad at their job and still keep it’ emails.
My best friend has definitely received multiple all-caps emails from me about “why are people at work so bad at things?!?!” So another vote for “venting to an unrelated third party.”
The thing is after I vent I’m usually still SO MAD. I want a way to let it go after a good rant.
Maybe a voodoo pinata? I’m thinking that might be really good for me.
Anyone else using Dr Bronner’s on their hair? It’s just saponified oils. No harmful or questionable ingredients.
1. I destroy them using what I call “the lawful evil plan”. Be better, reinforce best practices for your thing, and keep being better than them while quoting best practices/industry standards.
2. Devacurl is the go to, it’s at Ulta and other places, but it’s pricey and you’ll need a fair bit of it. Renpure is available at Target for sure and is less expensive.
I highly suggest checking out the No More Dirty Looks blog (all about organic/green beauty and skin care)… they have a series called Morning Routine and people write in all the products they love, plus they tell you the city they live in, their age, skin type, and hair type. I’ve definitely seen some curly haired shampoo recs on there!
UHOH. NOW I HAVE TOO MANY OPTIONS, THANK YOU. I will be paralyzed by all the choice for years.
I like DevaCurl but it’s spendy. If you can find it, try a brand called Accure, their argan oil conditioner for dry or curly hair is what I use (I’m no-poo), then a tiny drop of DevaCurl One Condition as a leave-in.
I get the Accure stuff at Wegmans, but I’ve seen it at Target and my local natural foods store.
Bad news for everyone, the one shampoo I really don’t like is Deva.
Renpure Organics has a MoroccanOil knockoff – sulfate free. I can use it for co-washing or shampooing and conditioning normally. 8 bucks for a 32 oz bottle on drugstore.com, available in most grocery stores and drug stores in Washington, but those are pretty regional so IDK about your area.
Accure! It’s so good and all-natural!
I just got back to the US after a trip to China and I am so jetlagged. I was warned by Mallory’s post a couple of weeks back, but that doesn’t make the experience any less terrible. All I want is to lay down and get rid of everyone who wants something from me, but instead I have to stay vertical for the next couple of hours so I can have a conference call that I’m not interested in at the best of times.
I’m back home too and kind of waiting for the jetlag to properly hit me – up until now I just feel tired, a bit disoriented, and slightly nauseous… tomorrow will be rough, I think.
Does anyone have experience with a medically monitored weight loss program? I just started one yesterday (Robard New Direction – the shakes? Not so bad!), and *fingers crossed* so far so good. I also know my anxiety is directly linked to my relationship with food, so I’m waiting for the anxiety flare up any day now.
I do not, but I am interested in hearing how you are doing with managing your anxiety while doing so. Good luck! Please take care of yourself.
Yes, I do. The weight loss portion went pretty well, but I wasn’t able to maintain it. That’s pretty much every diet for me, hope you have different results! The best thing about the shakes for me was that I suddenly had a bunch more time/energy that I had spent cooking, cleaning up after cooking, planning/shopping for food, looking up recipes, etc. YMMV.
My mom had great luck with this one https://www.jumpstartmd.com/ but I realize now it’s only in her area. She had been doing weight watchers and various diets my entire life, and this was the first one that really worked for her. It took her a long time–a year or more–to get off the weight she wanted to get off, and she has been maintaining it for a couple more years. It happened so gradually that one day I went to visit her and I was like, holy shit! All your clothes are too big! How’d you do that. Everyone asks her “what’s your secret??” and she’ll be like, uuh a lot of hard and consistent work over a long period of time? No magic shortcut! I don’t know what finally motivated her to have the stick-to-itiveness to see it through, but I think having a medical program made her feel like she was in better hands than like, drinking diet shakes and depriving herself. ALSO I’m pretty sure she spent a good amount of money on coaching, and that sure is motivating for her (though I know not for everyone). Anyway, good luck to you! That shit is haaaaard work no matter how you slice it. Slow and steady. I feel you on the food anxiety btw–no advice there, but anxiety is such an asshole.
Do any Toasties live in DC? I may have a job opportunity that would mean moving from Brooklyn to DC and I just DO NOT KNOW. Help? Is it a good place to live? Are you happy there? Am I downgrading from Cool Place to Politics Place? Or upgrading from Douchey Hipster Place to Clean And Nice Museums Place? Or is it a lateral move?
I’d say all of the above! On the whole, I wish I lived somewhere else (because I can never not see it as Politics Place), but there are some great parts, too. I’ve lived downtown (Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan, and Mt. Pleasant), which cuts out the horrific commuting part and adds in access to Rock Creek Park, which is such a great part of the city. FWIW, there’s a good group of Toasties here, too (though I haven’t had a chance to meet up with them yet).
I live in DC! I moved here almost two years ago and I love it. DC is definitely Politics Place but there also a lot of cool hipster areas too! It’s a really fun place to be a young person (assuming you are a young person) because there are a lot of young people here – lots of bars and clubs and restaurants. I have always wanted to live here though, for history nerd reasons, so I could be biased. Maybe you should visit before you decide to move? It would be an easy weekend trip on BoltBus or Amtrak.
if you visit with an eye to seeing if you’ll like living there probably stay away from the Mall, the Smithsonian is cool but it’s sort of equivalent to figuring out what New York’s like from a more desolate Times Square
I’m visiting next Friday, so we’ll see!
I don’t live there, but my friends do, and I’ve been there a bunch! My impression is Brooklyn-lite – and they have morning dance parties!
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/daybreaker-dc-get-do…
I moved from Brooklyn to DC in August to be with my partner, and I think it is highly dependent on what kind of community you surround yourself with. As a city, I love New York more, by far, but I was stuck in a dead end job and was on the edges of a lot of communities, but not really involved for a number of reasons.
The museums are very free and nice, but there are only three Taco Bells in the whole city, and roughly a gazillion Chipotles, a fact I am still bitter about. But pretty much if you find good people, and learn to lol at a lot of the politics stuff, it’s pretty nice. Although, I definitely don’t want to live here forever.
I live about fifteen minutes from the National Mall, though technically not in DC itself, but I’ve mostly managed to avoid any of the Uncool Politics Place side of things. I think there’s some definitely cool stuff and it’s a really walkable city, and I’m definitely a fan of the free museums. (But I’m also the person who could wander around different parts of they city for hours, as well as wander museums for days.)
Oh man I’m sorry to jump on this, and if you don’t want to disclose more specific info that’s totally cool, but I’m moving to DC soon and my ideal situation would be to live within 30 min walking of the Capitol end of the Mall, since that’s where I’ll be commuting– is that kind of where you live? If so, is it possible to live there as a single person in her 20s level of income?
Oh, sorry! I meant that I’m about fifteen minutes by car–so technically not DC, but basically across the street from it. From my experience, as underpaid admin assistant in their 20s, the best bet rent-wise in the DC/NoVA area is sharing a place with roommate(s), but in my bouts of apartment hunting, I don’t honestly notice a huge difference between how much it costs between living in DC proper or one of the DC-adjacent parts of Northern VA. (I can’t vouch for Maryland, though, ’cause we mostly live in VA because neither of us actually work in DC.)
Any idea about parking costs in DC? I actually own a car, so I’m not averse to a daily commute, but if I’m paying $200-300 a month for a spot and then walking anyways, I figured I might as well put that money towards rent and live closer by. (Thank you for answering my questions, I don’t mean to make you my Personal DC Realty Consultant but I literally just made the move official today and am desperate for information.)
I worked at the DoL building for years and would not try to bring a car to the Capitol end of the Mall
you’re also not really looking at a $200-300 price differential between equivalent housing by the Mall and in Arlington though
I have had a car in DC for 6 years, and only paid the ~$100 a year for my DC registration and neighborhood parking permit. Two of my places had a parking spot included in rent, these were all in older buildings farther from city center. The other places I park on the street. While living on Capitol Hill (farther out) I commuted by car to Virginia and was able to park a block or two away when I got home each night. It was row houses so not a dense area.
I live in a denser area now, but walk to work, so I don’t need to re-park my car often. In my current ‘hood if you get home past like 6:30pm you have to park like a 10 min walk away, it can vary greatly my neighborhood.
If you want a reserved spot, or spot in a garage I think $200-300 is probably right. I did have my window smashed once parking on the street (oh yeah when you move here never have anything visible in your car, I mean like no lose change, nothing… although I didn’t and still got my window smashed, but it helps. Particularly like a gym bag or a backpack)
Honestly, I don’t know a ton about parking costs in the city itself, since I work in Virginia, I’m usually there only on evenings/weekends, so I’m either parking in the Reagan building on weekends (which is 13/day on weekends) or using the free-after-6pm parking meters near the Mall. (Or the one cheapish garage I know of in Adams Morgan–It’s next to a florist called Little Shop of Flowers.)
I do know in looking for an apartment that there are some places that charge waaaay more a month for a parking spot than others. There were some places that were real nice with comparable monthly rent to the place I ended up living, but they wanted to charge me an extra hundred or so a month for a parking spot, so I went with the place that charges me ten dollars. (I’m not totally sure what’s typical in the city itself is, though, but I imagine many apartment complexes/neighborhoods have some kind of monthly parking fee.)
Also, I don’t know who you’re working for, but a lot of govt agencies reimburse for commute in some way–I think my father’s agency and the folks I knew who worked at the Smithsonian both provided X dollars a month on their Metro cards if you used the Metro. And my neighborhood has a shuttle to/from the closest Metro station on weekdays at around the rush hour times, so there are potentially non-terrible ways to commute to/from DC without driving if need be. (I have a friend who works in the heart of the city and has never driven in DC.)
I have no idea if that helps at all, because I mostly know things about living just outside DC, but I am totally willing to try answering any questions anyway 😀 😀
I’ve lived in DC for 8 years now and absolutely love it. I haven’t lived in New York but I find that DC has lots of cultural options, a variety of different neighborhoods and food, but is still very accessible. I’m honestly not tuned into the politics part much and find that, beyond remarking at the coolness of walking by interesting embassies, it doesn’t frame my experience here. On the car front, I have a car and live in Dupont Circle, and am able to park it on the street for only the cost of the residential parking pass. I barely ever drive and only need to move it occasionally if there is street cleaning, construction, etc.
Come join us! (Not said in a creepy way, but in a friendly one)
I love talking DC neighborhoods so I will chime in too 🙂
If you would be working on Capitol Hill and want to walk, you would look in the Capitol Hill neighborhood, which is a name that has grown to stretch out to RFK stadium/ the river (although people call this Hill East). Also the Eastern Market neighborhood, which is near the metro stop of the same name. Most of this area is all row houses, so you would be looking at renting a basement apartment. I lived about 30 min walking from the Capitol directly east in a basement in 2011-2013 and it was $1,400 a month all utilities included. That has probably gone up. Anything much cheaper would probably have to be a room in a group house, which can be hard to ‘win.’
The Capitol is a good commute via metro (when metro behaves), for either the Red Line or Orange/Blue/Silver, which would open up a lot more options. Capitol Hill is also flat (well until you get to the actual hill), and has bike lanes if you bike.
North of the Capitol can get you into NoMa (north of massachusettes ave), which is a lot of large new developments. I think they can run expensive, but I haven’t looked into it.
Thanks so much, this is great info! I’ve done a little trolling around Trulia and Zillow and was wondering what was up with all the basement apartments. I’m down with a basement apartment, but I’m thinking I should look into roommates. A couple college friends are living there now, if they’re down to move to Capitol Hill maybe that would be good.
Also!! The people who run the DC Toastie group: how do we join?? I have tried to find it without success… (going to Call Your GF podcast live show next Sunday if any other Toasties will be there 🙂 )
I am a member of the Google group and if you like, you can send me your info and I will pass it along. I don’t have group management privileges but I can probably get your deets in front of the right person.
I am at [email protected]
You can also ask to join DC Hairpinners on FB, it’s a hybrid Hairpin/Toast group. There’s housing stuff/dr recommendations there, plus occasionally people plan events through it. I just got a new dentist through the group recs, and am currently wearing a shirt I got at one of the clothing swaps.
there are no shortage of douche hipsters in DC. or clean places, or dirty places. It’s a p big city and aside from having the local arts scene of maybe a smallish town has all the normal big city stuff, varying significantly by neighborhood. IDK what the Brooklyn equivalent would be, probably Dupont?
Tell me more about the local arts scene? Is it terrible?
There’s the big fancy museums full of dead famous guys’ million-dollar paintings, and little hobby meetups where people get together and compare photos/crafts, and less of anything in between than I have ever seen in an urban area. It’s gotten significantly better in the past few years, but I’m looking to get out of town specifically because there’s such little support for making and selling art there.
Baltimore’s got a pretty great scene though
This might be considered under your category of hobby meetups, but I have a couple friends involved in http://exposeddc.com/, and some of their shows have looked like a ton of fun (and generally involve good beer/wine if you’re into that).
cool, thanks!
It is on the small side, but there are a bunch of scrappy collectives and organizations that are in at least their second stage of existence: Pleasant Plains Workshop, No Kings Collective, Monroe Street Market Arts Walk, Off the Beaten Track Warehouse, Pyramid Atlantic (this is in MD, but basically on the DC line), Anacostia Arts Center. Last year I bought a piece of art I love out of a small exhibit in a barbershop window.
Dupont Underground is getting closer to opening, which I think is p. exciting. Here is a good rundown of DIY music venues.
I’m a live theater person and I’m continually amazed by the quality and number of the shoestring companies in DC. Most recent discovery is a baby company, Nu Sass Productions, “a DC-based female-driven theater company.”
For me, there’s enough going on that there’s always something interesting to do, but not so much that I’m constantly kicking myself for missing something I know I would have loved.
oh yah shoulda qualified that there’s tons of theater stuff, and a small-for-the-city but not bad music scene, it’s visual arts that’s a wasteland
Torpedo factory’s worth throwing in the co-op pile too, even though it’s also not technically DC
I love living in DC. I only plan to move away since I could live better on my salary range elsewhere (particularly if I were to have children). But if you are coming from Brooklyn, there won’t be much difference in cost of living.
As a whole I think DC is a really beautiful city. Looking at a map you can see how much land is reserved for parks. I love the architecture here. Yes, we have great museums and they are free, all the time! Don’t need to stand in a line on the first Monday of the month at 7pm with 500 people. They are busy in the summer (but if you live here, you don’t have to do in the summer!). From my apartment I can walk what feels like every where.
There is a fantastic DIY music scene. We have great food, although you have to get into Virginia to get into the more diverse foods offerings.
We have issues with gentrification and crime and corrupt or disfunctioning local government as many cities do. We also have a metro system that may have to close complete lines for months at a time (LOL).
I find the Politics People to be somewhat insulated, i think the hyper-politicism skews younger.
This has been the most encouraging response yet!
I’ve lived in DC ~9 months, and I really love it. I love talking neighborhoods! I haven’t been to a DC Toastie meetup yet (schedule conflicts!), but I want to!
Lived in DC for 3 years and moved to Brooklyn three months. So I’ll say a few things about DC in a sec, but maybe it’d be helpful to know what someone doing the opposite move notices most:
– People are actually from New York (love hearing accents of all kinds)
– People do things other than 9 to 5 gigs to support themselves (okay, so of course that’s partly true of DC, too, but the city by and large caters to an office-going crowd)
– There are more restaurants here at all price points on the spectrum (DC’s light on the not-amazing but decent and super cheap stuff)
– Love having access to good pizza, bagels, Mexican & Chinese food again
WARNING: generalizations ahead. I agree with most of the comments you’ve already gotten. DC and New York have serious, but different struggles with gentrification. You can definitely avoid the DC politico crowd without too much effort, though it is harder if you live near Capitol Hill.
DC can eventually start to feel more like a big town than a city, and for you that will be even more likely coming from New York. I’m not a networker, and I’d still end up talking to a seeming rando at a friend’s party or happy hour, only to discover we have at least one other weird connection from our pasts.
Definitely agree with comments about DC’s art scene. Again, generalizing, DC isn’t really a city of boundary-pushers or rulebreakers. There are really passionate people there, of course. But it’s like the presence of the government means everyone’s got to have at least a veneer of ‘respectability.’ And I’m no rulebreaker myself, but I did sometimes feel like all my friends were a lot like me, doing something similar to me, and I appreciate more variety than that. (Related: DC Pride is one of the tamest Pride events I’ve seen in a major US city.)
I’ve lived in DC for 14 years, having moved from Chicago. I love it here. It took me about a year to settle in, though I was in grad school at the time so I had the benefit of making friends that way. If you’re going to be working/living on the Hill, then yeah, DC will seem like a Political Place. I live in the Adams Morgan/Kalorama/Woodley Park area and the only times the city feels political to me are when I meet someone and learn what they do for work or when the presidential motorcade comes through. 🙂 Some highlights to the city in my opinion: the food scene has improved tons in the last five years, free museums, lots of parks, the music scene is pretty good, there are lots of creatives and undergrad/grad students here to study at the many universities, other than the sweltering summer the weather is pretty mild, it’s clean, it’s very liberal, pretty friendly to all types of people (except tourists who block the left half of the Metro escalator 🙂 ), people are super smart and interesting…
It’s not perfect (it doesn’t have all of the amenities of New York, there aren’t skyscrapers, there are fewer people and establishments so fewer choices, there are issues in the city surrounding gentrification) but I think that if you think honestly about what really matters to you (e.g. bars close earlier here, and if that sounds bad to you, is it because you are someone who actually regularly takes advantage of the really late stuff, or do you just like the idea of it?) you’ll be able to decide better 🙂 Hope this helps a little!
Toasties, what are your dream furniture pieces that are still relatively reasonably priced? I am moving into a shiny new apartment on the 15th and thanks to a tax return, actually have some money to throw at buying nice things. We’re going for a midcentury modern look. Help me decorate my dream apartment!
ETA: Art/bookshelves/kitchen accessories also appreciated!
I don’t know if West Elm qualifies as reasonable to you, but I love basically all their furniture. I read too many interior design blogs that now a sofa under $2,000 seems doable… eek! Also, I’ve found some great MCM stuff on craigslist!
I LOVE West Elm. Their organic cotton sheets have completely revolutionized my sleeping situation, and their decision to open a store in my city has completely revolutionized the way that I throw away money.
Yes – if your tastes run to vintage, buying antiques can work out the same as or cheaper than buying reproductions and the resale value will probably be higher too. I furnished half my apartment through the ebay antiques section and am very happy with the result.
I would check out Dot & Bo for some decently priced/cute mid-century modern stuff.
I’ve never seen this site before! Definitely one of the more reasonably-priced places I’ve seen. Thank you!
I have this: http://www.westelm.com/products/rustic-storage-co…
and it’s awesome! We needed storage space and eating space because our apt is too small to fit in a real dining nook.
I would really love to have this bar cabinet because we have too many bottles of booze thanks to a tiki drink obsession: http://www.westelm.com/shop/furniture/bar-pub-tab…
OMG those bar carts. We are actually moving into an apartment directly above a wine/specialty cocktail store, so I definitely might have to invest in that!
Go slow. Don’t try to make it look perfect all at once. It’ll come out so much better in the end, and you won’t be low on cash when you’re looking to get rid of the thing you only kind of liked but could afford the first go around.
Ditto on Craigslist & Dot & Bo. Not a huge West Elm fan–I think the quality isn’t much better than Ikea and it’s WAY more expensive.
Yeah, I’ve mostly been saving a page of links to things that I really like, and then once I get my stuff moved in I’m going to fill in the blanks and see what I really want to do. The research tickles the same part of my brain as planning out a vacation or something like that!
West elm also appears to be having a pretty crazy sofa sale. That’s my favorite thing about West Elm, the periodic completely bonkers sales. i bought a huge all cotton rug for about $100 from them last time they had a big rug sale, and I couldn’t even find all cotton blankets for that price!
If you stained this a honey oak color or rosewood it would make a very nice mid century coffee table/bench: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/702976…
Or this one: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/702397…
In bookshelves i’m lusting after just wall shelves to free up the floor. I think we’re going to do bracket systems which are cheap and also can look quite nice: http://manhattan-nest.com/2015/01/13/the-renovate…
http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2014/01/build-organ…
I have a Drexel Precedent (by Edward Wormley) nightstand I found for a song at a huge flea market/antique mall thing and it’s the BEST. I adore the whole Precedent collection and wish I had a zillion dollars to hunt down and buy everything. The drawer pulls! The graduated-size drawers! So good. It’s earlier MCM — ’49? ’50? — so it’s lighter wood. Some folks out there want stupid prices for stuff, but if you look enough you can find nightstands for ~$150 and other pieces going up from there. Great prices for incredibly solid construction and a piece of Americana.
Not so much a design line, but check out Joss and Main–I got a gorgeous cabinet for about 80% off of retail.
this is more of a general piece of advice than a specific rec, but, get a secretary desk combined with a bookshelf, it’s amazingly useful and looks great!
Can anyone advise on nylons for people who want to wear garters but whose bodies (stomachs) aren’t exactly designed for garter belts? I can never find body suits with garters, or garter dresses / corselettes.
I have this and I like it a lot! http://shopmarinavintage.com/en/lingerie/450-wais…
Nice!
Sock Dreams has double clip straps that you could attach to any bodysuit, along with a bunch of other potential solutions like sock garters and glue. Everything should be 20% off today with the code NOKIDDING. It’s a magical place.
I so did not need to know there was a Sock Dreams sale. Damn. It’s a new month, though, so that would mean it wasn’t TECHNICALLY 3 orders in one month….
That may be exactly what I need, thanks!
Today is the day I actually click the button to buy from them, after ogling for like a decade!
You should get kickbacks. I just bought a mess of tights thanks to that sweet discount. THANKS!
I wish! I had to give up my Sock Dreams habit when I moved out of the country, so I’m living vicariously through you all. Enjoy!
I have a set of these and I particularly like that I can clip them in a different position than the standard garter belt layout. I normally clip two in the front but instead of putting the other two in the back I have them placed on the outside of my thighs so they’re not uncomfortable to sit on at my office job all day.
Bonus: if I clip them to the hem of an undershirt or button up shirt, they stop the shirt from riding up!
This week has been a whirlwind, you guys. Long story short– I’ll be moving to DC in August! It’s all good changes, but I am *stressed* beyond all words. I hate moving. I hate moving. I hate it. Stupid apartment searches and realtor fees and security deposits. Stupid moving costs. So much capital is needed!
So… want to do a Little Things thread? What are the little things improving your life?
Mine:
1) Coconut chips. A small luxury but an amazing one.
2) My boss brought in donuts this morning– and not any shoddy Dunkin dozen, real bakery donuts.
3) I’ve been really productive at work today!
4) Might indulge in a little retail therapy– I have my eye on a Sephora Favorites lip box. Anyone do the Sephora Favorites thing? Worth it?
IME with Sephora Favourites, there’s usually only one or two products in the set that I’m interested in, and the risk of the others being duds (or just meh) is high enough that I’m better off buying the full size of the one product I actually want.
I’ve looked at the current Sephora Favorites lip box online (the nudes, right?) and it has a full-size NARS lipstick in it, which already covers the value of the box, even if every other one in there is crappy (unlikely), so I’d say go for it.
That’s a good point! I’m still a little nervous about the nude lip, but I guess I can either try like 5 nude lips for $28 or one for probably $20 so I might as well?
1) Trader Joe’s cinnamon raisin bread with 3 times as much soy butter as I would normally ever use, so it is soaked with butter and incredibly delicious.
2) The rosa rugosa in our front yard has grown canes 12 feet tall and twined them into the orange tree, so there are bright red flowers in among the oranges and white orange blossoms.
3) The ramen place I went to lunch at yesterday had tilapia kabayaki, which is like eating unagi except guilt free!
4) Retail therapy at Daiso, also guilt free as partner’s new job came with a signing bonus (!!!) if he would start immediately. Not only do I now have like 50 packs of cute Japanese stationery, but there a caddy in the bathroom for toothbrushes which is all French-looking and adorable!
Cinnamon raisin bread should always be soaked in butter and toasted until brown. The absolute best.
Eep little things are my favorite things!
1. A bourbon and a tiny chocolate covered caramel from Trader Joe’s.
2. Sugar coated fennel seeds like you get in Indian restaurants. GLORIOUS.
3. A nap yesterday afternoon, followed by snuggling with my husbie who is the best.
MOVING IS THE WORST! It is the worst. We’re looking at an overseas move in a few years, and I’ve told the husb that there is no way I can do it unless we hire movers. It’s going to be more expensive by several orders of magnitude (and I am so grateful and recognize the immense privilege it is even to be ABLE to consider hiring people to help) but the mental strain… I can’t even contemplate it. ANYWAY sympathies on your move ugh *hugs*
Those fennel seeds are great! I always pop too many in my mouth at once,though (they’re small!) and end up kind of choking on fennel smell. But it’s worth it.
Thanks for the move sympathy, I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants movers. The cost is… substantial, but if I put a price on my stress and the number of hours it would take for me to DIY, I feel like it’s still worth it?
Movers are totally, totally worth it.
1. I’ve got good pump up jams stuck in my head for a Friday afternoon.
2. I’m stopping in the way home to buy nice cheese and beer for dinner. Nothing else. (Wel, maybe also some apples because cheese + fruit is my favorite.)
You just reminded me to eat my fresh mozzarella work snack, thank you! Enjoy your cheese dinner!
My summer dream is to… at this point, it’s to reach summer, because summer includes a lengthy stay in the countryside in Ontario, and then working in a garden for four months and taking care of all of the flowers which is very, very restful. Also the thought of being able to leave work at work is Great, I cannot do that with school and it is exhausting.
This last week of university is going to be hellish; I have two papers due in the next six days, neither of which I’ve written, and I’m so exhausted I want to sleep all the time, and I think I’m catching whatever my husband has. I just have to slog through this, but I am starting to run out of time and panic a lot. I foresee a lot of chamomile tea and coffee this week.
Advice for dealing with academic stress due to procrastination?
This is me write now and I’ve been eating meats and cheeses and watching America’s next top Model nonstop. This is my advice.
I did Things! this week! I finally got my first test scheduled for my A+ credential, applied to Western Governors University, did FAFSA, and tonight I’m getting my transcripts sent over. I am feeling much like a grown up right now. Adulting is awesome y/y?
Also omg I got to hear my super conservative mother in law use small words to explain to my father in law that Chaz Bono is definitely a man, stop misgendering him.
Does MIL get full credit? That is, does she recognize that Chaz is trans? That he used to identify as female? Or is she just certain he has always been a man?
She knows that Chaz is trans, used to live as a woman, and is now a man. It was honestly VERY EXCITING because I’m nonbinary and it’s been difficult/weird with her, since she keeps expecting a daughter-in-law and um I wear masculine clothing, bind my breasts, and have butch hair. Having her act like being trans is a) fine and b) to be respected = so cool.
Now she’s got six months to cope with me wearing a suit to an upcoming family wedding. 😀
Wow! MIL is impressive. Because she had to come a long way to get to the place where she can insist her husband be respectful of a trans man. Of course this is all common decency and should not be cause for celebration, but 95% of my extended family is so much more ignorant and bigoted than your MIL that this feels like a fucking miracle.
Anyone ever visited Palm Springs? Have any recommendations for a weekend trip? It’s very close to me and I need a break, with hiking (i.e. “walking in nature”, not like HIKING hiking) and floofy drinks. What else is Palm Springs good for?
Take the Palm Springs Aerial Tram. Great views and lots of easy trails.
Definitely take the airthingie (skybox? You will know what I mean) up to the mountains for some really top notch hiking – you gain huge altitude during the 10 minute ascent and when you get to the top, there are pine trees and, sometimes, snow! Worth it. Palm Springs is otherwise good for sitting by the pool because it is hot as balls.
Cable car?
Love Palm Springs! Last time I was there we hiked Tahquitz Canyon, which was an easy hike (I’m not a hiker at all). There is a tiny bit of climbing up rocks but it’s not difficult, just very hot and sunny, so bring lots of water. The trail leads up to and then back from a really pretty waterfall. We had a really knowledgeable guide who told us a lot about the history of the area.
If you’re into dates (the fruit), you could visit one of the date plantations in the area and get a date shake or another date-related treat.
Also, shopping and tacos. That’s what I’d be doing.
Throw in some poolside-lounging, maybe a caftan or two, and…that’s it, basically. I’ve heard there’s some great mid-century mod. art/architecture to spot (or buy, if you have $$$$).
if you’re close, i’d also suggest desert hot springs, for the mineral water soaking! and there’s always joshua tree for some nice walks and moderate hikes, though you’d have to drive back out for floofy drinks.
Date Shakes! Also drive through Joshua Tree and only do the loop hike at Baker (Barker?) dam, its maybe an hour tops of mostly gentle walking in the hot sun (have a nice hat, and a big water bottle). I did my trips on the JT side of that valley, so that’s my recommendation, but it’s all nice.
bedding, toasties. beautiful bedding! where do you buy yours?
i’m thinking of upgrading to a queen instead of a full, and for years i’ve been using the lovely handmade quilts my mom made. i could ask her to sew a new one, but that’s quite a big project!
so—bedding. quilts, blankets, duvets! give me your recommendations!
I bought a set of CuddlDuds flannel sheets this winter and I swear they are the coziest, warmest, thickest, best sheets in the WORLD.
All of my bedding is from Lands End and PB Teen, because for a while PB Teen was the only place I could find jersey sheet sets. I still love the way my PB Teen comforter looks, but I dream of getting a super fluffy down comforter one day.
Tkmaxx for the big bits (Duvets & pillows), I got a goose down duvet for myself a year ago for about £30, down from 100-odd and I felt like such a grown up.
I’m still on the hunt for really good sheets, but Ikea ones are decent and mostly cotton
I have recently decided that I am DONE with duvets. I’m sure there are some very nice ones out there that aren’t annoying, but I am done with shoving the duvet into the cover, then having it slowly shift around inside the cover, despite the ties and safety pins I use to keep it in place. I am looking forward to just using a nice, heavy blanket in the future.
I bought mine at Echo Design, which has some lovely prints.
Annnnndddd now I see they are having a 25% off sale, so now I want to buy things.
We just ordered bedding from Room & Board. Hasn’t arrived yet, but the blankets felt really soft and light in the store.
I’ve found Urban Outfitters have fun things for decent prices. Also the Land of Nod is ostensibly for kids, but if you want fun bedding things go up to grownup sizes. I have excellent flannel pillowcases with llamas on them from there.
I found a queen-size quilt at UO for $30 dollars back in 2010, and it is the most gorgeous thing in the world. Totally seconding.
Seconding Urban Outfitters, I love the stuff they have from Plum & Bow especially. I have an “ALL THE COLORS” aesthetic and the Painted Hills duvet was a dream come true.
L.L. Bean has really high-quality sheets for not too much cash.
I just bought a set of microfiber sheets and then immediately bought two more sets – they’re so soft and silky, but also cozy, but also not too warm, and I really just want to stay in bed all day.
Your favorite quits can be made bigger. Just add a wide border.
Depends on your price point I think! I just got a sheet set from Bohem (the bright skies pattern), which is way more than I’ve ever paid for sheets but they are SO soft and lovely and wonderful to gaze upon.
I also have a set from Target’s Room Essentials line that set me back about 35 bucks.
Overstock for duvets & fluffy pillows.
I was at the mall one day with our daughter buying her new shoes and there was one of those kiosks in the middle of the walkway for something called ‘Sleepy Sheets’ and they were having a sale and had many things to say about the benefits of their sheets and long story short, I ended up buying two sets of their sheets since I was tired of only having one set of sheets for the big king bed in our bedroom.
As it turns out, their sheets are every bit as soft and comfortable as promised, they are moisture wicking so the one time my daughter had a bit of an accident in my bed it dried in a couple of minutes, they have held up really well with normal washing, and I am just in love. So — if you can find them, I reccomend them!
For sheets:
If you like the crispy, all-cotton sort, Target’s Threshold brand has some wonderful sets for cheap. They outlasted my Land’s End sheets for years and years and even the oldest ones have that nice crisp crunkle when you lay them on the bed.
I also own–and here I feel a little ashamed but not really–a set of Williams-Sonoma linen sheets. They are AMAZING: thick, luscious, soft, slightly textured in a way that makes you wiggle your shoulders against them in enjoyment. They are also an investment: a queen set costs something like $380. However! The first set, which my sister gave me as an already-used hand-me-down, lasted for fifteen years of weekly use, summer and winter. I fully expect this latest set to last 20 years.
Land’s End has the best flannel sheets around, hands down.
I splurged and bought one fitted linen sheet a little while back and am now plotting how I can basically cover every surface or limb in linen for the rest of my days.
I’m saving up for a linen duvet cover and I cannot wait. I will be like a small child at Disneyland the day I go buy it. (I have an oversized king duvet, too, and I will make myself a nest and never leave it.)
I have a pretty solid set of IKEA bedding. I am allergic to down and I bought one of the lycocell comforters and it’s been doing well by me. I also have several duvet covers.
No real complaints with Ikea sheet sets, they all last a pretty long time for the price point.
this one: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/302829…
and this one: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/602409…
And this bedspread which I love when it’s not completely coated in my cat’s hair: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/201917…
I usually get sheets from LL Bean. Right now they have these whale print percale ones that speak to my soul.
I get mine from Joss and Main, which very often has high high thread counts for low low prices.
The Sweethome recommends L. L. Bean percale sheets. I have not yet tried them myself but I am about to order some because a set of my aging Costco sheets just tore.
I have and love these.
Flannel sheets from The Company Store – expensive, but SOOO soft.
I have unfortunate relationship things I could talk about, but ehhh not in the mood. Next week instead.
What’s everyone reading? I just finished an Agatha Christie.
I just read Jane Steele, which was basically a satire/fan fiction / I don’t know, a conversation? with Jane Eyre. It was fun!
Still doing my monthly Harry Potter re-read and this was month #3! Best book? I think so, unless one of the later ones changes my mind this time around.
Yelled about it on twitter here.
I just finished the first two of the Midnight land trilogy which was recommended on here (and I really liked and cannot wait for the next one) and have started the first Shetland murder mystery one.
I’m about 3/4 done with Royal Assassin, the second book in Robin Hobb’s Farseer trilogy. I’m enjoying these book more than I feel like i should. They’re so slow and the plots are a little all over the place and very tragic, but I’m loving it. I could hang out in this world for a good long time
I just finished Assassin’s Apprentice! Somehow I had never heard of or noticed these books until a couple months ago. I actually really liked the slow, meander-y plot — I kind of like fantasy and sci-fi books where nothing much happens, you just get to hang out and enjoy some worldbuilding — but are they really going to stay this grim? Does ANYTHING good ever happen to this poor chump?
Good things happen, but it seems like it’s mostly so it can be taken away. Maybe the last book will be better though
Have you read the Liveships Trilogy? That’s the best of all her work, I think.
I’m reading Life by Gwyneth Jones, which is amazing but kind of heartbreaking. It’s science fiction in the same way as Connie Willis’s Bellwether — fiction about people doing science! With some implausible science facts. But I just got to the part where her brilliant career gets derailed by a Jackass Man, and now I’m sad.
I finally broke my trend of Books That Made Me Go Eh with Will McIntosh’s Burning Midnight, a super fun YA book about teens hunting spheres that give you various powers…and the inevitable downside. Now I’m reading Silver On The Road by Laura Anne Gilman, which is about a young woman who becomes the devil’s Left Hand in a Weird-West setting. It’s surprisingly introspective and enjoyable so far.
I’m reading “First Family” by Joseph J. Ellis- and it’s about John and Abigail Adams. So far, it’s been pretty good.
I’m also doing a reread of “Little Women” which is always a good time.
I’m reading Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie! If you like speculative sci-fi with all kinds of things to say about gender and identity this is your series! To be honest though, I LOVED the first book, and found the second underwhelming, so hoping that this third book brings it all home.
The third book is better than the second, but neither is as amazing as the first one. What I do love is that now Leckie recognizes that nonbinary gender is a thing when apparently, she didn’t think about that at the beginning. 😀 But I do rather like the interactions with Breq’s cousin, and the recurring fish sauce joke with the Translator.
I’m reading Submission by Michel Houllebecq (sp?), which is really funny so far and also very french.
I just finished The Sellout by Paul Beatty – I was not wild about it at all at the time of last week’s reading thread, but funnily enough… once I decided that I didn’t actually enjoy it I liked it a lot more? weird! but it was pretty great (and I say this as someone who can get really tired of satire).
Right now I’m getting into NeuroTribes again (had put it on hold to take a fiction break).
I couldn’t be more passionate about The Sellout! I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I get that, but I’m so glad it’s getting more recognition (including winning The Rooster yesterday) and glad you found it great in the end.
I think I had been so determined to like it when I started that it distracted me from actually… liking it, haha. but without that subconscious pressure, whoosh. it got so much better 😛
and it definitely deserved that Rooster! (…that’s not to say I didn’t stomp my foot like a big baby after reading Jeff Vandermeer’s judgment on Monday, grumble grumble.)
Vandermeer’s judgment was way off what I’d expected it to be, though I agreed with his choice of course.
I can’t even remember why I picked it up to start with last summer, but I had no idea what I was getting into, and I was captivated all the way through.
Despite my best attempts to convince her that listening to Lyle Lovett is equivalent, Cassandra is still reading The Sun Also Rises but fortunately we are getting close to the end. I try not to be annoying but I cannot help hearing it read aloud by William Shatner which I am sure is distracting her. 🙂
I am rereading the original 101 Dalmations novel (by Dodie Smith) for the first time in a very long time, and it is quite strange because on the one hand it is a very typical English middle-class 30s novel with servants and so forth, and on the other hand it has had this long life as a kid’s movie about dogs! I think after this I will finally reread I Capture the Castle (also by Dodie Smith) since it has been forever.
Just finished the new Julia Quinn. Does anyone else want to talk about it?
I’m still on hold for it. Is it a good one?
Not as good as the original Bridgerton series at its best, but still enjoyable I felt. I didn’t think the dialogue was quite as engaging as I hoped it would be.
Housekeeping and still working on Infinite Jest with my book group. Housekeeping I’m liking, reminds me of reading Alice Munro a bit. Infinite Jest alternates between being good and being a slog.
I bought a 3 book set for a dollar of Rebecca, My Cousin Rachel and Jamaica Inn, and I get DuMarier adoration now. I have some thoughts about how she writes waaaay too much about the flora in the gardens at manderly, but aside from that what an interesting writer. I like how she refuses to do certain things in each book- the structure of Rebecca is brillant, but for my money, I think My Cousin Rachel is the most insane thing of them all.
Just finished The Marriage Game, Alison Weir’s newish Elizabeth I novel. Slowly reading Anna’s Book by Barbara Vine–I like Vine/Rendell books but the reading sometimes seems a trifle laborious.
Recently read Black Chalk and The Bellwether Revivals, because I will read pretty much anything if it’s described as being like The Secret History, and The Family Fang.
Not sure what next–considering a Kate Atkinson/Jackson Brodie series reread. Am kind of fighting a depressive episode and don’t really know what I want.
I am just finishing up the A Discovery of Witches trilogy. Solidly written and some fun world-bulding and great historical porn (erm, as in, lovely details and tidbits and fantastical history stuff, not, like, vintage style porn), which is delightful, but devolved into more relationship stuff than I generally go for. Was still an entertaining read when I needed one.
hi, I’m late; it’s sunday night and hellooo just now having time to read OT!
– I just finished sea of poppies, which is the first of a trilogy set in 1830s india; really enjoyed it.
– I also just-just finished james baldwin’s if beale street could talk and for real it was absolutely stunning.
re: agatha christie – when mr inkwashed and I were first friends, we bonded over a junior-high love affair with agatha christie novels – me in the midwest and him in iran! so delightful.
<3 and positive waves for your more serious things.
Misandry Thread!
Last night I had an hour-long fight with a male friend because he doesn’t understand how come we can’t date just because I don’t want to. Is it really fair, he wonders, that I get to make this decision unilaterally?
Then when I was walking home angry, waiting to cross the street, this guy behind me was saying “can I see you later? miss? ma’am? so I can’t see you later? can I see you later?” and I was ignoring him, but then all the sudden he was right in my ear “can I see you later?” and I spun around and shouted “NO” and he kind of startled backward, and then of course I apologized, because it’s an irrepressible instinct. He was laughing. I was just so furious.
Sometimes it feels like there’s this whole mass of male humanity that’s just a sea of hands grabbing at you, always. can I have your number can i fuck you do you want a drink what’s your name why don’t you smile can we talk can we go somewhere alone will you blow me can i help you can i see you later will you let me walk you home can i will you gimme gimme gimme
What do you do with your misandrist rage?
UGHHHHHHHHHHH
Honestly? Mostly, I rage to my husband about it and he gets righteously angry also and it’s very soothing.
eta: although I know that isn’t an option for everyone! it really is nice to vent in a safe place that is also filled of misandrist rage.
Ugh yes
So. Perfect. I’m going to picture exactly this in my head the next time a guy wants my attention on the street.
I was just thinking the other night how fabulous it was that one of my childhood role models was a teenage girl who gets to look at a beautiful male authority figure and say, “You have no power over me,” and win.
This is a super minor thing in the scheme of all Things One Can Be Mad About, but I was climbing last night and working on a project (so, something I’ve been trying for a while but have not yet sent) and a bro came over and was like, “HEY HERE’S BETA FOR THE START” and I tried to explain that no, I knew how to start the route, it’s the stuff after that that I am struggling with, but I want to figure it out myself. But he just kept talking at me! And it sucks, because by telling me stuff I already knew, I felt like he was detracting from any success I might have– like, because he gave me all this advice, even though it was unnecessary, he claimed a bit of my accomplishment for himself. Do you know that feeling?
I’m super sorry about your friend. He’s not a very good friend if he tries to make that kind of decision for you. Friend-dump him, or if that’s not possible, just treat him with thinly-veiled contempt from now on.
Unfortunately, yes, I know this feeling. I used to climb more with several dude friends but I’ve been doing 90% of my climbing lately with another woman & it’s great. Still not much to be done about the bros who want to offer unsolicited advice though, except very strong “fuck off” glares.
A couple other bros witnessed this bro’s behavior and then we all worked together on the problem, which was rad and fun and mutually beneficial. But I still felt gross and mad and they didn’t really understand that, nor had the bad bro tried to give them unsolicited advice, even though we were all struggling with the same things. I wish I still had a lady climbing group but the two women I used to go with on occasion both moved :/
Oh hey yeah, I’ve taken bouldering advice from a random strangerdude at the gym before.
The thing about dudes telling ladies how to climb is that they tell you how THEY would do it, which is completely unhelpful if you have a completely different body from theirs. Say, a body with differing upper-body strength, differing arm lengths…
Following his advice netted me a 15-or-so fall from the top hold, a broken ankle, surgery, and two screws in m’bones.
He was gone before I hit the mat. So.
I’m not really into the Taking Random Advice thing anymore.
Ugh. When you want to just turn and say “STOP TALKING” but the social atmosphere of the gym would make this a Bad Thing. Ugh ugh ugh.
I do know that feeling exactly! Whenever I ask for help (which is not even what you did!) I want to actually explain the problem first, because I want credit for what I did try and all the parts I did figure out, and also they’re wasting everyone’s time if they insist on telling me things I already know! But dudes don’t want to do that, they just want to SAY ALL THE THINGS THEY KNOW.
The number of times I’ve asked a guy for help and he has answered a different, easier, question with great satisfaction, and then when I explain my actual question he can’t answer that one–it’s a large number.
Sometimes (often) guys want you to be helpless, because they love “rescuing” you. To the point where, when you are not helpless, or in any need of help, they will try to create situations where you are, or at least be keenly on the look-out for those situations to arise. There are guys I feel like I have to be on my guard around to avoid any situation where they could correct or instruct me, because they’d just enjoy it too much.
And then sometimes when men give you genuine, needed advice, it’s colored by all your experience with that shit and you feel resentful and mistrustful.
Seriously. I’ve had maybe two or three male coworkers I’ve been able to work with as actual teammates, with each of us helping and encouraging the other with no insecurity or drama. I’ve had a boss come out and tell me he didn’t like me because I was more valuable to the company than he was. I’ve pretty much learned to rely on myself as much as I possibly can.
Ugh, there is a guy at my work that does that “answering a different, easier question” thing to me constantly, like that never doesn’t happen if I ask him a question. I hadn’t fully pinned down why I hate talking to him so much.
Completely unrelated to your problem but I am so glad I read that article about the rockstar girl climber so I knew what you were talking about.
Enough to attempt a pun. PROBLEM. GET IT?
I’ll show myself out.
Hahahaa you got me with that one. High five.
I was at a yoga workshop on Friday, led by one of the world’s top people in that style of yoga (David Swenson). I can’t do utpluthih yet (lotus position while you lift yourself up with your hands), so I was doing a modification that’s recommended by David Swenson in one of his videos. The random dude next to me asks if he can give me some unsolicited advice, doesn’t wait for a response, tells me I’m doing it wrong, tells me what to do, and when I tell him that won’t work for me because my arms are too short (they are–my palms don’t reach the ground in dandasana), tells me I’m wrong again.
I went to the workshop because I wanted to learn from David Swenson (who is amazing). I didn’t go to get yoga tips from a random stranger who, by the way, doesn’t know what he’s talking about! I was doing it right!!!!
” Is it really fair, he wonders, that I get to make this decision unilaterally?”
UGH. You can’t go on half a date! It’s not a situation where there’s a compromise! The only alternative is that HE gets to make the decision unilaterall…
Ah. There we go.
UGggGGGHhhhHHHhhhhhh.
Right? RIGHT??? I can’t get him to understand it this way at all, because he really thinks of himself as a romantic hero, and the fact that I’m refusing to play my part in his (our!) love story is just mean.
I’m so glad I have Toasties to help me fight gaslighting!
“Romantic hero” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Oh this sounds like a time you may have to accidentally delete his number. This situation is a tiny bit red flaggy for me in all honesty 🙁
Yeah, like…does he understand what consent is? Or would he get upset if a woman “unilaterally” decided that she didn’t want to have sex with him? Because this is some creepy entitled nonsense.
TW
He sounds like someone who has no problem “unilaterally” deciding to have sex.
YOU CAN’T DATE SOMEONE AGAINST THEIR WILL
This dude needs to go back to square one of Relationships, How to Have Them.
I really hope that your “friendship” with that dude comes to a swift close. He sounds TERRIBLE!! When I am feeling particularly ragey about The Patriarchy, I generally like to scroll through misandrist tumblr while watching funny TV shows and brainstorming ways to be rude to men in public.
You’re so right about this dude, I really liked him as a friend, and after he insisted on confessing his feelings and I told him I wasn’t interested, I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, so I said we could keep talking if he thought he could handle it.
But I think this was a classic example of a time where “let’s still be friends!” is impossibly naive. It’s sad, but I clearly need to stop drawing it out…
Yeah, seems to me like you said what you felt you had to in the moment, but it’s perfectly fine to tell him that upon later reflection you’ve realized he’s not the kind of friend you want to have. I wish you the best of luck, and I am confident you will thoroughly enjoy your post-ThisDude existence!!
“Let’s still be friends!” will read to this guy and his ilk as “Lol, bitch, ur so FRIENDZONED now!!!1!” He will either play victim b/c you’re so cruel not to date him or try to crawl out of his (self-created) Friendzone Box by attempting to date/fuck you yet again. Save yourself.
God, this is exactly the wisdom I needed a month ago, to save myself a month of him trying to do both of those at once. A victim who thinks he deserves pity and also sex? Today he asked me to get drink twice and called me twice, I said no, twice, and didn’t pick up the phone. Y’all are seriously inspiring me to avoid round 2 of this fuckery.
Also! Misandrist tumblr was my first instinct too, but when I searched ‘misandry’ I got a lot of MRAs taking themselves very seriously. Do you have misandrist tumblrs you like?
Hmmm, I think I’ve managed to cultivate a circle of delightfully misandrist friends over the years… many of them Toasties! My tumblr name is antiquelands, and I bet if you asked everyone else would tell you theirs! And maybe there’s something on my page that speaks to you and can lead you into a delightful misandrist tumblr k-hole??
Your tumblr is gorgeous!!
Thanks friend!!! 😀
I’m hawthorncrataegus!
I do a martial art, so I just get super aggressive when I spar. I’m new at this, so I still get my ass kicked but my male classmates are so friendly and helpful that I end the day hopeful.
This is a solid strategy.
This sounds so good! Right now my only exercise is yoga, and I’m starting to think I need more outlets for rage more than I need more calm breathing.
Delurking for the first time ever in an OT to heartily endorse the practice of a martial art for venting misandrist rage. I mean, I find that martial arts culture will also induce quite a lot of misandrist rage on its own, but the convenient thing is that I’m already kicking and punching things when it does!
for some reason i read this in dogspeak (not dogespeak) so it came off as YOU ARE DOIN ME A MARTIAL ART THIS HECKIN HURTS
WHAT DO WE WANT? TO BAN MEN! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? RETROACTIVELY!
I yell on Twitter, where my delightful man friends take no offense and silently fave my tweets and my delightful woman friends yell with me and loudly fave my tweets.
Also I fantasize about the matriarchal space colony I will one day found.
I love your protest chant and I would yell it forever. Protests are probably my best outlet for anger. Getting together with your friends to scream in unison should be a prescribe-able mental health treatment.
I’ve never been to a protest specifically about a feminist issue, though, I clearly need to find some and start introducing people to this chant.
Dude at the bar around the corner, who my bartender friend refers to as “Thirsty Dave,” when you sit down next to me and I’m reading a book and you’re all, “Long time! How’s work?” and I reply that I’ve been super busy and I’m happy to have this time to catch up on my reading and then I rest my elbows on the bar and raise the book closer to my face? Thirsty Dave, that is your cue to stop talking to me. That is not your cue to ask if I heard that Trump’s aide had been charged with simple battery in what was, no doubt, a preamble into a longer political discussion.
I do not want to talk to you, Thirsty Dave. I have made the mistake of humoring you in the past because you wouldn’t stop talking at me, but no more. I will talk politics with just about anyone, but I will not talk about anything with you.
So instead of reading, I went home and worked on cross stitch.
Having been a teacher for almost a decade serves me so well in situations like this! I look over my glasses (I’m nearsighted but THEY don’t know that) and say in my firm-but-pleasant listen-with-mother voice, “When a person holds up a book and starts reading, that is a polite social cue for you to stop talking to them! It’s impolite to interrupt people when they’re reading!”
I love reading at bars! I rarely ever drink alcohol when I’m at home, but sometimes I’m in the mood for a stiff drink along with a good read. Except one time this annoying conversation happened:
Dude: Hey can I ask what you’re reading? [Closes the book that I’m holding so he can see the cover]
Me: I’m reading this book right here [At the time this happened I think it was Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut]
Dude: Oh, cool. Is it good? What kind of book is it?
Me: Yes it’s very good. It’s science fiction with a dash of social commentary.
Dude: Why are you reading at the bar?
Me: Because I have ten pages left and I figured I’d finish my book while I finish my drink.
Dude: So, are you like, waiting for someone to hit on you or something?
Me: NOPE, I’m trying to finish reading this book.
Dude: What are you going to do when you finish your book?
Me: I’m going to go home.
Due: Alone?
Me: YES
The part where he closed the book in my hand made me want to hit him in the face with my book.
Uggggggh.
“The part where he closed the book in my hand made me want to hit him in the face with my book.”
In my fantasy world, this is exactly what happened.
I wish dearly that were a socially acceptable response.
Few things make me RAGE inside more than people grabbing/closing my book to see what I’m reading. It takes all of my self-control not to smack them across the face with said book.
UGH I love reading in bars, partly to invite conversation – if I wanted zero interaction, I’d read at home. But for every “ooh, I like that book, when you pause I’m going to start a friendly chat” person there’s at least one “your social cues to not interrupt you are a challenge to overcome” person.
Right? I get that bars are not exactly the best environment for reading- full of people, loud music, conversation, etc- so it’s understandable that someone might be confused or curious about someone who’s reading. And, I’m happy to engage in a conversation with someone about what I’m reading, if they can be polite about it. If the dude had opened with “Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt you…”, I might have been a little easier on him, at least until the “are you waiting for someone to hit on you” part. I don’t remember if I did this, but I hope I rolled my eyes at him really hard at that part.
Why do ladies go to bars, if not to be hit on? The mind boggles!
Uggghhhh, I hate that, because it’s awful to feel like men have chased you out of space you want to be in, but sometimes there’s nothing else you can do. Unless you want to spend what’s supposed to be your time to relax listening to men say “but I’m just being friendllllyyyyyy why are you a bitch.”
Seriously. My friend was like, “Oh, one and done?” and I flicked my eyes over to Thirsty Dave and my friend just gave me a tiny, knowing nod.
Ugh. I’ve just started rehearsals for an am-dram show, and two of the cast are older men. I just have a real skeev about men over 50 being anywhere near me because it usually ends in me being uncomfortable.
And what do you know, one of them is def giving me a skeevy vibe. Like not in a creepy way, he’s not staring or touching exactly, but I just don’t want him near me. And there’s a scene in the show where both of these older gentlemen are supposed to be saying goodbye to me and another girl, and this guy insists on kissing us both on the cheek and putting a hand on my waist and its just annoying me (plus he has BO and bad breath.). The other guy is fine, he managed to do the scene without touching.
So yeah, I’m discriminatory to men over 50. I just don’t want them near me.
The skeevy vibe is the worst thing, because it never feels quite concrete enough to say anything about. There are so many times I wish I could say, “please just don’t get near me at all,” no justification, no push-back.
All my misandrist rage is directed at men who sit next to me on the train, in a seat that clearly doesn’t have enough room for both us to sit comfortably and then proceed to a) elbow me repeatedly b) read a newspaper that they hold open all the way, so I can’t move my arms and it feels like I’m wearing a straitjacket c) sit on my open jacket and then don’t move so when I need to get up I have to yank it out from under their ass d) stand up long before their stop and hover over me with their stupid messenger bag or backpack coming thisclose to smacking me in the face every time they move. WOMEN DO NOT DO THESE THINGS.
Men who sit next to women on the train when there are dozens of completely empty seats for them to sit in by their damn selves need to just stop. Stooooop. I actually got up and made a dude let me out the other day when he did this to me on a nearly empty train.
YES I was so angry when this happened to me the other day, I was squished against the wall and there were tons of seats elsewhere. Obviously The Man didn’t move, because why would he, he was perfectly comfy to spread himself out and keep listening to loud house music that I could clearly hear through his headphones.
This sucks so hard and it should never happen. I hate public transportation for so many reasons, almost all of them jerk-related.
I spent some time in not-USA, and in this place, if a woman sat next to the window on a bus or train, men (gross, jerkface men, obviously) considered it an invitation to creep on you. Nobody told me this ahead of time. When I mentioned that I’d been creeped on, my hosts were like “oh, yeah, sit on the outside only”. Not 100% jerkproof, but it helped.
Ugh one time in Italy I sat on an outside seat on a bus, and some guy stood next to me and rubbed himself against me the entire time. I wish i would have yelled at him or hit him in the balls. dlkjslkdjf
I feel you 🙁 I’m studying in Naples rn, and have decided that standing is just easier. It’s at least easier for me to move away.
I was on a train a couple of weeks ago, going to visit a friend who lives about an hour north of Naples, and some skeevy old dude came and sat right opposite me in a basically empty carriage. Leaning forward so our knees were touching and everything. Fortunately he got off after a couple of stops, but not before asking me for my number!
Ugh I hate that. And they aren’t even hitting on me! The last guy who did this on a nearly-empty train promptly went to sprawly sleep so I had to poke him to let me off at my stop. They just don’t want you to have the whole seat to yourself I guess?
I write the inciting incidents down in a journal, word for word, so I have them as fodder for the screenplays and novels I want to write someday!
Me and my friend write man hating poems about their balls. Makes me feel better.
Hairy saggy balls
droop like melted ice cream scoops
shrivel up when chilled.
#haikuinspiration
There are guys who rent office space on the same floor as my little company who purportedly rent out luxury vacation homes and they’re both weasel-y and gross (the one who’s in the office most of the time is bald and super skinny and looks like a Sphynx cat). I heard one of them on the phone once talking about wanting to hire a hot girl to work for them because when people were signing contracts, they’d be so distracted by her they wouldn’t pay attention to what they were signing. *BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVER*
In the last year they’ve had at least 20 different employees who’ve come and gone, 90% of whom have been these pretty little young things that they’re very clearly attracted to.
Yesterday they were having a discussion with the newest hire in the common space. Several times this week already I’ve heard them on her case about not doing her job correctly. They were talking to her this time about needing to get her act together, and one of them actually had to say to her “So what you do is, you get a little notepad, you make a list of things you have to do, and when they’re finished you cross them off.”
I want to scream at them “STOP HIRING BASED ONLY ON LOOKS!!”
Every day I’m silently hoping their business fails so that I can enjoy my righteous anger.
Wowwww this is so shitty. If that business were in my building I’d probably be plotting ways to sabotage them daily.
Squid and bananas in the air vent.
I wish. But my desk is in an open area, so if I did that, I’d probably end up smelling it too.
I hope she’s fucking with them because she’s annoyed at their skeevy ways.
I don’t do anything with it except stew, but here with you in solidarity. Burn it all down. I am an executive assistant to 6 men, ugh does not begin to describe it. I pray a lot for patience.
Ugh, I feel you this week. I am looking to change jobs, and had an interview in City A, which is very close to City B, where my s.o. lives and where I frequently visit. My boss (who is significantly older than me) knows I visit City B quite often, and said “Oh! If I’d known City A and B were so close together, I could have ridden up with you sometime and had you drop me off to visit friends in City A!”
O_o
He also told me, “not to sound patriarchal, but make sure you don’t tell anyone else you’re planning on leaving until you have a solid offer in writing.” ‘Cause the little lady in her 30’s needs instruction on job etiquette.
“not to sound patriarchal.” that’s new
wtf. “I recognize what I’m going to say is insulting, but it’s ok because I’m warning you first.”
WHAT IS UP WITH MEN WHO WANT TO DATE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT TO DATE THEM
Dating someone who isn’t that into it sounds like a NIGHTMARE, like, a neverending job interview or audition, instead of fun like dating is supposed to be 😛
Anyway. I usually let my anger out here or with Toastie Twitter, but sometimes I realize between living with a dude, enjoying dude-heavy activities, and having mostly dude local friends, I haven’t had dude-free social time in forever. Going to a ladies-only event or friend hangout is a good balance restorer.
Seriously! Females seem to figure this out WAY earlier. I recently brought home a box full of old middle school/high school journals from my parents’ house. The theme through ALL of them? *Crush on boy* *Confess crush to boy* *Boy does not reciprocate* *Eh, what can you do?* *Crush on new boy* *Repeat until senior year when a boy finally likes me back*
It has never ever occurred to me to “convince a guy to like/date/whatever me.” IT SEEMS LIKE SIMPLE LOGIC.
I hate that whole trope of dating is soooo much easier for women, men get rejected so much more often, it’s hard and sad. Why have I, a woman, not been rejected by many men? Because I learned to read a damn social cue and not ask them out in the first place.
[insert clever animated THIS gif]
YEESSSS. THANK YOU!
Just think of how this behavior is represented in pop culture, especially movies. Dogged persistence from a man = plucky hero in a romantic comedy. Dogged persistence from a woman = scary stalker in a horror movie.
Persistent refusal to hear and accept “no” should always be in a horror movie.
YES TO THIS. As someone who has been called a stalker behind one’s back among co-workers, because the guy I liked would not actually say no thanks, I’m not interested, so I asked him to do stuff with me on more than one occasion. COMMUNICATION WORKS BOTH WAYS PEOPLE
YUP. I tried to watch “27 Dresses” awhile back and had to turn it off about 30 min in because the supposed love interest finds the main character’s notebook and keeps it and starts stalking her and when she confronts him about it and demands it back, he straight up says no. I just turned it off. Clearly the movie wanted me to think this was exasperating but cute, and I was like, nope this is a horror movie and I am OUT.
Dating someone who isn’t that into it sounds like a NIGHTMARE, like, a neverending job interview or audition, instead of fun like dating is supposed to be 😛
I’ve always been confused about why more straight dudes don’t realize this. At least for some of them, it seems to be that they haven’t really dated anyone seriously and just don’t know what they don’t know. Or they just want to have a starter relationship on their resume and move on.
Holy crap, what an asshole your friend is. And the guy that followed you! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Ugh that is HORRIBLE. I hope this person ends up out of your life quickly, that is not at all something a friend does.
I deal with misandrist rage with full force self-defense practise on pillows. 🙂 Back when we taught self-defense we could do it on actual men wearing padded suits which was very nice, but for now pillows will have to do.
My partner and I started collaborating on a story that’s boarding school teen girl fight club that slowly evolves into a misandrist murder cult just to have someplace to funnel rage from day to day interactions like this (& also bc of realizing that when female villain protagonists exist they never get to win but that’s a whole nother thing)
I am 100% ready to read this today!
Also everyone is lesbians at first bc writing romance is way more fun than reading romance & then bc “the lesbians get in fights with men but the men they’re fighting are the ones who die” is kind of a response to us being killed off in every media ever (I’m not sure if this puts a damper on the misandry or not but i sure love it)
oh UGGGH I hope he is an ex-friend soon, that sounds like the worst
did he… did he expect that the two of you were going to hold a vote on it? What happens if it’s a tie?
The boner always gets a vote ergo no ties.
Ahhh both these comments are my favorite, laughing forever. This is seriously exactly want he needs to read, to clear up all the confusion.
Ughhhhh my personal Misandry Moment is this dude I was posting about last week (the co-worker I was casually seeing who showed up to a work function with a date and then played dumb when I tried to talk to him about it)- he was supposed to text me this week and hasn’t yet, so I texted him this morning to say basically “I haven’t heard from you, what’s going on?” and STILL haven’t heard back, and every passing minute is making me more determined to stomp over to his house and yell at him in person. ASSHOLE, you don’t get to ignore me whenever you’re not interested in sex!
You deserve 1000% better than that shit. Please accept 2 cents from internet stranger and ice his dumbass out. That guy has nothing to offer.
End unsolicited advice.
Is it really fair, he wonders, that I get to make this decision unilaterally? <–that right there, reason enough to de-friend him. IT IS NOT A MUTUAL USE CASE.
slam poetry has turned out to be a pretty good place for that, for me!
also emphatically fuck both of those dudes, except also emphatically not in the literal sense
haha I so often want to say “fuck him” in exactly that way. Maybe we need some dude specific curses.
for reeeeeeal, “send that dude to the corner with no dessert” just doesn’t have quite the same ring to it
I hope it’s not rude to comment twice bc I /do/ have an actual “ugh men” thing to vent about: all semester my writing prof has set off warning bells for me bc he’s 32 & seems to keep trying to play into the “cool young teacher” thing that’s been discussed so many times in discussions about creepy teachers, and then he assigns a Chuck Palahniuk (i know!) book about a sex addict and reads the sex scenes out loud to a class of 99% freshman, has not taught us anything about writing, schedules meetings w/ us & then cancels them at the last minutes, and there are 6 girls in this class & I’m the only one who still talks in group discussions because I don’t usually let him interrupt me.
SECOND writing class douchnugget is this 50-60 something commuter student who’s trying to get back in the work force after being in the navy his whole life. Whatever that’s admirable. You know what’s not admirable? Saying parents who abuse their children are just “following human nature” and when a 19 year old girl says “what so they deserve it then?” in a clearly hurt tone of voice yelling at her about how she’s being the thought police and if her parents were harsher on her maybe she’d know how to respect her elders and then getting pissed when she bursts into tears and has to leave the room for 20 minutes bc she has ptsd from /abusive parents/.
So totally not rude. I also had a creepy freshman writing professor who assigned Palahniuk! And also Sanctuary, mostly so we could have truly horrifying conversations about rape. They just love “introducing” freshman girls to the “openness” of college. Like, your high school teachers would never have done this! Ugh forever.
Your second story is seriously jaw-dropping. Did he seem at all chagrined when she started crying, or was that what he was going for?
Oh my god he made us talk about human trafficking for just that reason good to know this is a Very Specific kind of guy.
Oops my weird speech patterns have gotten the best of me again, that was me in that story, and since he refused to apologize or even speak in class today instead of sitting in thorny silence and sighing whenever I spoke I’m pretty sure that’s what he was going for. It sucks cus I thought he was cool cus he’d argue with the professor & he couldn’t get mad bc this guy would pull the “but I’m older than you and was in the navy and have life experiences” card every time. I know logically that just cus a guy argues with somebody shitty doesn’t mean they’re not also shitty and yet….
Oh wow, I’m so so sorry that happened to you. And yeah, there are so many ways to be shitty that the enemy of your enemy can be very much not your friend. So much misandrist solidarity to you!
You know, it recently occurred to me that insisting on holding doors for women also means entering rooms behind them, i.e. putting yourself between them and the door. Am I conspiracy theorist? Probably. Is this something that gross predators who practice performative chivalry would do? Absolutely.
I can back this up: I always get stuck holding doors for people and at least once a week there’s a guy who gets up in my space because he refuses to walk in in front of me, I always figured it was to stare at my ass but your explanation makes way more sense
THIS. And I’m convinced they’re watching you walk/looking at your butt. Yes, my ass is spectacular, but I can open my own fucking door.
“Performative chivalry”. Now adding to my vocabulary, bless you forever.
I vent it, then I try and remember that all people are terrible, not just men. Then I vent it some more. Then maybe tv? I enjoy watching both The Fall and Happy Valley where men get what’s coming to them with the help of some kickass ladies.
Man, Happy Valley Season 2! So much going on there with Molesley’s affair entitlement. Have you see Scott & Bailey? It’s got a superstrong female cast and was written/created by the woman behind Happy Valley.
I have not, but I will now!
Also man, I was like, MOSELY, what have you DONE?! This is the most moseleyest thing you have done yet!
The ending of season 2! Best ending. So chilling. Also I read someone somewhere saying what they like best about it is that it shows how after a crime is finished the jagged little pieces just…carry on, existing, how that’s woven in, that they’ll never be done with Becky’s death and Ryan’s issues. Also that she’s a physically intimidating woman and that she’s a sergeant instead of a detective are also awesome- just seeing her put people in headlocks and things is soothing, every other bad ass woman police officer on tv is also physically slight….and this makes a difference in the kind of fears you have for her. Anyway lots of heart shaped eyes.
It’s so true! I am descended from actual Moseleys so I totally would have been some sort of charwoman on Downton Abbey. Although for some reason Fellowes really spells it Molesley, which is comforting for its differentiation.
Sarah Lancashire is just so amazing. I’m always struck by how powerful her character is while she is just _exhausted_. These crazy things keep happening and she just keeps going. Because that’s what people have to do in real life, and it sucks. I also really liked what they did with her son Daniel’s character this season. And Ryan. So many feels.
Scott and Bailey is about female detectives, and they are badasses too, and they actually have lives that interfere with their work. It’s nice to see that acknowledged as A Thing.
I have been dying to talk to someone about this; you made my day! 🙂
ME TOO. WHY IS THE WORLD NOT WATCHING?!
I love it when she does something hard and then gets in her car, cries, and then sucks it up and gets out and does something else hard. You know your typical fictional dude detective would go on a bender for ever and be mean to his wife and sleep with some barely legal woman then have to be yanked back to work by his partner who puts up with all his shit. And I’m so GLAD to see a different version.
Or when she snaps at people and then has to go soften it up.
I love it. I LOVE THIS SHOW. All my women people are watching Top of the Lake and The Fall and Broadchurch and I have to keep being like, no NO NO (I mean, yes I want more like this but please prioritize), HAPPY VALLEY PLEASE PLEASE GOD.
You’re so right about the man-detective. That guy doesn’t deal with the consequences of his actions whereas Catherine deals with _everybody’s_ consequences. Such a complicated character and situation. I like that sometimes she just can’t deal with the emotional labor of the Ryan situation–it’s such a genuinely human response. “Looking at you reminds me of all of my heartbreak and anger, and I can’t nurture right now.” She is everyone’s security system and has no fallback herself.
Her description of therapy as covering the walls around you with wank” is so genius in immediately conveying her discomfort with such self-indulgence. What a gift to have this brilliant MATURE woman as a heroine.
Thank you for this thread! I was stewing the whole way home about how the warm weather brings the creeps out like flies and this is, while not exactly making me less angry, at least making me feel less alone.
(Vent time! This one chumpbucket in my neighborhood is really getting to me. Pro tip: when you first introduce yourself to someone, don’t lead with “long time no see”. I DON’T KNOW YOU EVEN IF YOU’VE WATCHED ME BEFORE. Also, stop getting off your bike when you see me to try to walk with me. I will find a new route. I am running out of fucks to give, and you will get told off next time.)
So this is what I do when I hate all men:
There was this 4h meeting one year that kept getting rained out and postponed, and also (we had goats), the lady who burdizzo-ed the goats was just learning, so by the time our club had our working meeting it was WAY past time to wether the boys. We had a 30plus member club, with chickens, bunnies, goats, everybody was all over the advisor’s front yard, burning horns, clipping bunny toenails…and wethering goats.
The advisor was a vet, so she knew it was time to surgically wether them, and I was one of the people who had to restrain the poor things while we did it. Now, we had to do this because the goats had grown too big for us to use other methods on. The other woman helping me hold the goat had to go help chase a chicken, so I asked my ex to help.
By this time we’d already neutered several goats. He didn’t know that was our job. We had a big steaming pile of testicles on the driveway, and his face. His face when he looked down, and saw that we (two women) were doing a very good job at testicle removal….well, when I am totally to my limit with him, when he is being a total ass, I just conjure up the memory of him looking greenly at me with newfound fear in his eyes. I totally recommend it. It always brings me joy.
(I’m not cruel. I am very good at raising goats and usually you give them some hugs and some treats and they are fine in about 30 seconds. But my ex’s face? priceless)
I used to have a picture on my phone of a pair of horse testicles newly removed and thrown onto the stable floor. It was fun to show it to new boyfriends and see how they reacted!
Also explaining the process of castrating a horse to boys is super fun. There’s a tool involved that’s called something like the masher/grinder and all it does it masticate the connective tissue with a loud crunching sound that I found very satisfying but makes men very uncomfortable when you tell them about it.
TELL ME ABOUT ARTS AND CRAFTS. What are some arts and crafts you haven’t tried, but want to? What’s your favorite obscure one that you want the world to know about?
Earlier this week I was gripped by a sudden intense desire to do some painting. I did Paint Nite awhile back and loved it in spite of the awkward stranger small talk, and thought, hey, why not do this at home, where there are no strangers and the wine is way cheaper? So I got a little table easel to test the waters – and I’m having so much fun, despite being limited to Crayola watercolors on printer paper! I’m gonna pick up some acrylics tonight.
I often think that if I were a Sims 3 Sim, my lifetime wish would be to Learn Every Craft.
I signed up for a ceramics class that starts next week! I’ve never done anything with a pottery wheel before, so I’m very excited.
Oh man, you’re gonna have so much fun! I did ceramics in school and wasn’t very good at it, but it was so satisfying to get my hands dirty on purpose and take my aggression out on a defenseless lump of clay. The great thing about pottery is that even if everything you make turns out ugly (not that this will happen to you, of course), it’ll still be useful.
I am kind of expecting everything I make to turn out somewhat ugly, especially in comparison since I’m taking this class with my much more artistic best friend, but I am still going to be so proud that I MADE THINGS.
Yay yay yay! The learning curve can be a bit steep because I think one of the hardest things with ceramics is the thing you basically have to do first – which is get your clay centered in the middle. So don’t be discouraged if you struggle with that! I had week after week of not being able to do it, and then all of the sudden, I could! Also, watching pottery videos on Youtube is very helpful and also weirdly soothing.
…my history brain needs to calm down. I was fully prepared to go on in capslock about the Arts and Crafts movement.
You can do that, too! The Arts and Crafts movement is super interesting!
BRITISH ARTS AND CRAFTS OVER AMERICAN ANY DAY. THERE. I’VE SAID IT. COME AT ME, STICKLEY BROS.
Gurl I am WITH YOU
YAS
MY FIRST STOP WHEN I GET MY TIME MACHINE IS LONDON CIRCA 1900 OR SO. I WILL BUY OUT LIBERTY’S IN ITS ENTIRETY.
If I get a time machine first it will be EMPTY except I am a kind and generous soul and will make sure they restock!
CAN I GO WITH YOU IN YOUR TIME MACHINE AND SHARE SOME OF LIBERTY’S PLZ, I WILL CONTRIBUTE MONEY FOR GAS/TELEPATHIC CIRCUITS
PLEASE DO – I have no idea what this is but it sounds delightful.
HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR HOUSES THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW TO BE USEFUL, OR BELIEVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL.
This is a perfect place to plug Phoebe Anna Traquair’s monumental work of the Scottish Arts & Crafts movement, The Progress of a Soul, which is both part of the movement AND a giant, magnificent series of embroidered pictures.
They are glorious in person and a recommended stop if you happen to be in the National Gallery of Scotland.
I WANT THIS IN MY LIFE.
I want to do more embroidery!
I THINK YOU SHOULD. I wish I had more stuff to embroider, because I’d love to get good at it myself. It’s such a beautiful art form!
These kits are so fun and also adorable! I did the fox one over the winter and it was v. relaxing and I’m still charmed by how it came out. I FINALLY got the French knot right with her instructions.
We have all these cutwork embroidery pieces from my great aunt. (bonus: It’s apparently a traditional Portuguese craft which is exciting- my mom and I occasionally discover things that we thought were personal preferences are actually “traditional things of our people”- see all the roosters in grandma’s house, hydrangeas, homemade cherry liquor, and this embroidery). It’s so pretty. I prefer other sewing, but I bought some cutwork table cloths to celebrate it.
I like to embroider even though I’m not very good at it! I tried a few kits/patterns but what I really like is just doodling on a bit of old cloth (usually an old clean tea-towel), then filling it in with all the colors. I traced a photo of myself and my boyfriend onto cloth and embroidered it in and framed the final piece – perfect anniversary gift! Do you (or any other Toasties) follow sarahkbenning on Instagram? She has some beautiful pieces, usually houseplants like succulents and small cacti and updates pretty frequently.
I am learning watercolours with a cheap crappy set too! My new year’s resolution is to post a picture to my tumblr every week. Nothing is very good yet, but I’m hoping to see improvement eventually!
Yes awesome!!!
Oooh I love this idea! The last time my friend and I went to a Paint Nite, we just ignored the instructor and made some weird abstract colorful things (the painting chosen by the group was a super cheesy Empire State Building with fireworks…WE ARE TOO HIP FOR THAT).
Weird abstract colorful things are 100% my jam, and I salute you forever. The painting at my Paint Nite was a rope swing hanging from a tree branch in a meadow. I mostly followed instructions but then added a witch taking a flying jump off the swing.
I recently started crocheting bead ropes. It is fairly simple in theory but it’s a big hobby among really intense Eastern European message board users who make elaborate necklaces involving thousands upon thousands of microscopic seed beads. So as I’ve been trying to teach myself I’m also feeling a lot of intimidation mixed with “bring it on, I will make the most complicated one.”
Also I recently purchased what experts would call “a shitload” of beads and supplies, and as much as I like working with them I also have the eerie feeling that I’m becoming my mother.
But piles of beads are so pretty and soothing to look at!
…Says the person who basically stopped beading several years ago and still has a box of beading supplies she hauls around everywhere…
Oh my gosh, SO COOL. I love beading but have never tried crocheting bead ropes, and looking at the Google image search results for it – wow wow wow, those are impressive! I’m impressed just hearing about it!
The stitching itself is pretty simple, the hard part is stringing all those beads in the right order (they have to be strung before you start) and then focusing on very tiny things.
I like looking at all the super-realistic beaded leaves and flowers and fruit tutorials but have not made the jump into buying supplies.
I just learned about the existence of arm knitting and kind of want to try it. Anyone done this?
I haven’t done it personally, but a friend of mine in college did it and she was always wandering around with multi-colored yarn looped around her like a rumpled magpie. She said it was easy and fast, and she regularly turned out piles of scarves that gave her a sort of Wrinkle in time Mrs. Whatsit aesthetic.
I want to learn how to weave!!!!!
Weaving is so fun! If you’re put off by the startup cost (I still don’t own a loom, but ONE DAY), tablet/card weaving is fascinating, more portable, and you can make the supplies out of a deck of cheap playing cards if you need to. And you get to pretend to be a Viking.
HMM, INTERESTING.
Oh neat! I might have to put this on my list of things to learn.
I could relive Hild inside my head!!!!
Yes! I was so stoked when I realized they were doing tablet-weaving in Hild, because I’d started learning at the same time I was reading that book, entirely by coincidence.
Someday I’m going to weave a cloak – you tablet-weave the selvedge, leaving very long strands off one side, and then you turn it sideways and put it on a warp-weighted loom and use the fringe that you’ve left as the warp for the cloak fabric.
The only possible response to this is: Oooooooooooooh.
Also, when you do, pictures!
Aaaah me too! The world is your oyster when you can weave!
The world of woven fabrics, anyway, but let’s be real: it’s a pretty big world.
I am making a model ship! Okay, it’s a cheap plastic kit, but I got it to see if I’d be interested in investing in an expensive one, and yeah, I think that’s gonna happen.
Cool!
Last night I had a conversation with a friend that inspired me to dig out a half-finished customized My Little Pony that I started on, like, 7 years ago and see if I can figure out how to finish it! So that will be part of my weekend, probably.
Pictures please!
(Did you see the Fury Road custom MLPs? AWESOME.)
I’ve always wanted to learn how to tat. It just seems fun and portable and ridiculously stereotypically feminine. I’d especially want to do it while wearing a muscle shirt and combat boots (I don’t own either of these, but I also can’t tat yet, so I have time to get everything set up).
PLEASE MAKE THIS THING (linked because huge): https://schmoozelfracs.files.wordpress.com/2012/1…
I learned to tat to make lace for a cosplay competition costume! I didn’t end up winning any awards, but I *did* end up with a cool and useless skillset. If you haven’t gotten started yet, I can’t recommend tattedtreasures.com enough – her video tutorials got me through the worst part of the learning curve and beyond the ‘wait HOW big is this tiny doily going to be when I am tying HOW many thousands of knots in this string? Why is it not bigger???’ phase. Post pictures when you have progress!!
I have started doing papercutting (and making paper flowers) recently and I love it! So much cleaner and less disruptive in my day than oil painting, which is my other craft.
I paint and papercut too! http://www.eghtelier.com papercutting is great.
Ah I love your work! I am just getting into following other papercut artists so if you have more recommendations, I’d love to know them!
Thank you!
Jen Stark,
Chris Natrop
Kako Ueda
Aoyama Hina
Su Blackwell
Beatrice Coron
Peter Callesen
Nikki McClure
Elsa Mora
Obviously Kara Walker, supreme genius artist, although she mixes up mediums and hasn’t done many papercuts lately that I know of.
I desperately want to paint! I’ve dabbled in the past 6 months, but it’s still super intimidating. Over Christmas my mother-in-law got supplies and organized us into working through a Bob Ross episode together one evening which was super fun.
I also want to spin and weave (I already knit) and maybe this is deviating from arts and crafts, but I really want to learn to build shit. Like, furniture. Bookshelves, a bed frame.
Oh, if you’d like to start small with the building, check out these Houzz tutorials! http://www.houzz.com/ideabooks/query/%22neat-litt…
Ooh, thank you! These look awesome, I am determined to build some of these as soon as I have workspace!
Hooray at-home Paint Nite!
We have been sketching and making envelopes and trying out making cards by folding a piece of heavy paper in half and collaging on the front of it.
Neither of these are obscure, but we would like to go do wheel pottery someday, and also to learn to make stained glass because wow.
I bought a woodburning kit a while back and have barely used it. BUT I am probably signing up for a class this summer so I can get more out of it and maybe meet some other cool arty people in my area??
I just had an meeting where my advisor briefly showed me the list of all the studio electives we can take, and honestly I am… emotionally compromised. There’s just so much shit!!!!
(Mainly I want to take the dangerous ones that I was not allowed to try in my living room as a child. Wood, because there are big choppy machines, and metal/glass, because you get to set stuff on fire.)
(I finally got to cut a piece of steel on the stomp cutter the other day and it was SO SATISFYING. I am the god of metal now.)
Hello I have just bought *alllllll* the craft feathers from TWO dollar stores in order to make feather tiaras/crowns/fascinators. I have no idea why. It struck me the other night while I was reading in bed.
I recently learned that you can felt hunks of wool into adorable little animals. I haven’t had a chance to look into what it involves (aside from poking at wool with felting needles) but the creatures are so cute!
Needle felting is still per easy and very fun. It’s a great way to work out your stab by aggression while making something soft and cuddly. If you take it up, make sure you buy lots of thimbles. I wear a leather thimble on almost every finger, because I end up stabbing myself A LOT. Also, buy plenty of extra needles, because they break fairly frequently, especially at first.
I am so late to this party but needle felting is my JAM.
Your local wool shop should have the supplies, or even some kits!
You need three things:
Wool Roving (Also sometimes called Wool Tops) (Choose Merino, it’s so lovely to felt with even if slightly more expensive)
A foam or brush pad to felt upon
A felting needle (or several)
Kits are great to start with if you just want to see if you like it! You really do just poke and poke until it turns into what you want. Some kits come with plastic eyes and so on that make it look super professional.
If you’re adventurous (or, like me, you watched eleven billion felting tutorials and become obsessed) you really can just buy some wool and start felting!
Ooh, thanks! I hadn’t realized my knitting store might have this stuff. I came into it sideways because I read a tutorial for repairing the balding heels of wool socks by felting wool roving onto them. It was only when I started searching Amazon for materials that I saw books about felted animals.
Is it time consuming? Does it take a lot of concentration, or is it something that can be done somewhat mindlessly (as long as you mind where your fingers are)?
I think it’s pretty likely you’ll find it in a local store! I live on a tiny island where you can find pretty much nothing, but I can get felting supplies here.
It can be very time consuming if you’re doing something big. I only work on small projects (smaller than my hand), and… hm. It really depends on the project. A small something like this (https://au.pinterest.com/pin/270567890086580947/) might take up to four hours, depending on how densely you felt it. A very loose, squishy kitty may take under an hour.
In comparison, I made a densely felted doll with a lot of details, that was about 9cm tall, and it took me about twelve hours.
There are also different types of needles with different notches that felt in different ways. You’ll felt faster or slower depending on the needle you have, but you can make pretty much anything with just one needle. Also don’t be afraid to stab right through the wool, even to the other side – my first project took way longer than it needed to because I stabbed too lightly. Embrace the stabbing. Rotate your wool. Stab some more.
It’s pretty mindless! Sometimes you have to concentrate a lot, say if you’re attaching a leg or something, just to make sure it’s stable. Otherwise, as long as you don’t look away from your fingers, it takes very little brain power. I wouldn’t recommend watching something, but listening to things and talking are easily done while felting.
This sounds like a great thing to do while listening to podcasts. I’ll have to give it a try. Thank you so much for the information!
I want to do all the things. I want collages and mixed media sculptures and crochet (esp. little stuffed animals) and embroidery and stamping and making little miniatures of everything and book art and stained glass. And to make my own Tarot cards in a bunch of weird themes/hobbies/niches.
Unfortunately my hands are not so cooperative. I just donated a huge ton of unused art and craft suppies, which is good but also sad.
I knit: I’m currently making my sister a lacy dress that she can totally pull off with the fanciest yarn ever that my Mom bought me for Christmas/birthday last year, and is sooo soft (silk/merino blend, in watercolor pinks and greens). Very much enjoying this.
And I recently started drawing again, which I haven’t done since high school when I decided I was not “talented” enough to art. I’ve even been showing it to other people (the scariest part of art for me): because it’s Critical Role fanart, and the Twitter community for sharing it is super fantastic at making you feel that even your terrible zombie sketches made at 2 am are wonderful. Basically, it’s the Toastiest corner of the internet I’ve found outside of here.
The critters are so wonderful!! I look forward to Friday and Saturday almost as much as I do Thursday, just to see all of the wonderful fanarts.
I can’t draw worth a damn, but I’m working on a (hopefully cool) embroidery piece to send to them. Who knows if it will ever be finished, though.
I want to try Japanese Sashiko embroidery! I’ve never managed to have the patience for most other embroidery or cross-stitch. But I can get down with some running stitches, and I love all of the patterns that I’ve seen. Most of the sewing I do is apparel, and not so much decor, but I could see this being my gateway drug to home dec sewing. I’ll probably try it out on something small, like a pillow cover? Although I could definitely see this being pretty as a skirt border.
eta: most of the modern examples of sashiko I’ve seen are in decorative applications, but I’m led to understand that it was originally a mending method applied to clothing around areas that get lots of wear and tear. So I might just jump right into the deep end with an apparel project!
I really want to learn how to knit but it won’t happen, ever.
On a more feasible level, I’d love to be able to do custom versions of toys.
I’ve been knitting like a fiend since my father died last summer; it helps with the grief & anxiety to have something to do with my hands. I love the play of color and texture.
Also, I recently discovered the existence of something called nalbinding, and now I’m dying to try it. It predates knitting and crochet, you use only one needle, and it looks really cool. Also, it’s sometimes called Viking Knitting, which is badass.
I love lots of other crafts, but it takes so long to unpack my supplies, then clear them away again that there’s no time left for the actual crafting. One of the great things about knitting is that I can stash my project next to the sofa in a basket, then whip it out in a jiffy and work on it for a few minutes.
Season 5 of Bob’s Burgers is supposed to be up on Netflix today! THIS WILL BE MY WEEKEND I CANNOT WAIT
Seeing that was the most exciting thing that happened to me today! I honestly didn’t even notice that Netflix had goofy categories for April Fools until after I celebrated seeing new episodes listed.
“British Movies That John Stamos Uses to Impress the Ladies”
The first one is North & South.
You have just made my life a better place.
I’m listening now! Work hard or die trying, girl!
WUT
HELLO TOASTIES LET’S TALK ABOUT FOOD. Spring eats? I’m killing it on the salad front right now – links below.
I am now 21 which is kind of weird and exciting! I had a sort of party and it was lovely. I have many houseplants and I feel very grown up, so I think this weird desire to be An Adult is working out quite well so far? I will be careful obviously but so far I’m bumbling along in a pretty anxiety-free, I-can-do-anything kind of way…
I played around with this because I deeply dislike pine nuts
and I’ve been recreating the BEST SALAD from Polpo a lot lately.
Last night I made a green bean and pasta salad with yoghurt dressing, loosely based on one from Arthur Street Kitchen . The original uses broccoli, I had beans, once again ditched pine nuts for toasted almonds, and chives because I had them.
this is a late reply but all your links just redirect back to the open thread?
Oh no, I tried so hard… I was sure they were working! http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/06/pesto-pota… http://cheapcooking.com/zucchini-salad-lemon-parm… (I upped the rocket/leaves volume to make it a real salad) http://charlotteeats.tumblr.com/post/92532575361/…
Oooh! We made the Thai steak and noodle salad that’s been making the rounds, and it is PHENOMENAL. The ingredient list is intimidatingly long, but it comes together really easily and is just breathtakingly delicious.
Hi toasties! Today is the team’s penultimate practice before our first game. We are having a pizza picnic and then walking over to watch the varsity’s first home game. Yikes!
I am the x’s and o’s person, I almost understand what I’m doing, holy cow.
High school boy has not fainted since, but thought he had an ear infection this am.
Girl is sick and will miss the team night. “College” boy informs me that he’s been missing his thyroid pills all week. Argh! I will refill them but it’s bad for him to run out, right?? And he has to come get them from me. This requires communication, not his strong suit.
We keep bouncing between 70 degree days and 30, it’s making practice schedules difficult.
I need to get my butt in gear looking up custody lawyers. The running over her foot incident makes this pretty urgent.
So, all I have to do is figure out how to get my professor to let me skip both classes next week for my games and we’re good, ha ha!
Toasts, I want to thank each and every one of you who responded to me about Las Vegas yesterday. I stopped replying individually because, in a shocking turn of events, my husband was actually offered a SECOND job, for a considerably higher salary, in … Boise. So apparently we’re moving to Boise.
Any thoughts?
I live in Boise! It’s actually pretty awesome! Can I answer questions for you?
YES YOU CAN! Number one is will you be my friend. Numbers two through twenty are about where we should live and the school districts and where to find like-minded friends, etc etc. Can I email you?
1. YES!
2. 2-20, definitely feel free to email me. It’s kmarmsky at yahoo
I look forward to hearing from you!
I have a very good friend who lives in Boise. If you need recommendations on anything, you can email me at thujaplicatamt at the gmails and I’ll ask her and get back to you.
Emailed!
I have a friend from school who lives there and posts amazing photos from the mountains with her dog and it looks fabulous. I think Boise sounds like it could be incredible.
It’s definitely beautiful!
Umm…is it me? I’m kinda wondering if I’m your friend because 1. I live in Boise, 2. I have friends from school and 3. I frequently post photos of me and my dog in the mountains.
Hmmm…
My friend goes to Burning Man pretty regularly and was famous in school for her red cowboy boots. Any of that sound familiar?
Haha, no. I guess it’s not me. Who knew there would be TWO people who have friends and go to the mountains with their dogs 😉
I was born in Idaho, and my parents apparently really loved it and had a great time cross country skiing and looking at beautiful scenery and stuff until I came along (heh).
Yeah, I asked my husband what outdoor activity we’d be taking up, and he said “fly fishing”. Ha.
My favorite prof from undergrad retired to Idaho pretty much just for the fly fishing, so yeah.
I’ve never been to Idaho but I thought very hard about applying for a job in Idaho Falls, and I’m still not sure it was the right call not to, warnings about a large and possibly insular Mormon population notwithstanding. So anyway, all my basic research on Idaho suggests that Boise could be pretty damn nice. I had people who had moved from Idaho to more “desirable” locations (e.g. Fort Collins) say that they actually felt it was easier to do stuff and get their kids involved in stuff in Idaho.
I mean, I’m not going to join the Mormon Church or anything, but my experience is that they make pretty darn great neighbors, and wherever they live is almost guaranteed to be family friendly. Works for me!
Agreed! I grew in the south around evangelicals while not even being Christian, so I don’t have any problem with being a fish out of religious water, so to speak. It was just something that kept independently coming up when I asked people about Idaho Falls. I’m kind of jealous of your upcoming move??? (We live in Denver which is objectively a great place, but I might be more of a medium-sized city person.)
At the risk of doxxing myself to family who may be reading, I am trying to find a way to say this in an appropriate and respectful manner. The issue with Idaho Falls and southeastern Idaho in general and the Mormon population is the overwhelming majority and, yes, insular nature of the community. It is difficult as a non-LDS person to live there and feel welcome. And by that I mean that, individually, the people in the region are nice, but there is a pervasive LDS-bent to life in the area. If you are liberal and nonreligious (and a feminist), you need to have a thick skin and be strong on your own because it can be difficult to form friendships and the local political scene is very nonchanging.
Boise is less insular in that manner, and, because it is much larger than Idaho Falls, there are other opportunities and communities that one can be involved in — more theater, art, or music options, clubs, etc.
My brief experience in Idaho was very much like yours. (Twin Falls) Very…closed to outsiders. I did make a few good friends, but I seriously left for college asap. Boise is probably the least conservative part of the very RED state.
Congratulations! The ONLY thing I know about Boise is that the Boise Fry Company is on my bucket list. It’s a burger place where you chose what potato your fries are made from, what cut (including curly, which my inner child adores), and then there’s a number of different sauces and flavors and, for a french-fry aficionado like myself, that’s pure heaven.
I’m in Boise for a few months right now and I can definitely say it’s gorgeous and far more hipster than I imagined. I was here in the fall too so I can definitely say that spring and fall are gorgeous and that the outdoorsy stuff to do is fabulous and super close to town. I’m just checking out the area myself, but it definitely seems like somewhere I would consider moving.
Thank God for the open thread.
So, as I thought would happen, my ex-fiancee wants to get back together. But not really together. As she told me last night, we’re not girlfriends, we’re two people who are dating each other and who live together. It’s “monogamous dating.” It’s not friends with benefits (which is what I’m calling it) it’s something more meaningful than that. But there’s no commitment whatsoever.
I am not wild about this in any way, shape or form. Historically in my life, the combo of “decreased commitment” plus “the same, or increased, amount of responsibility” has led to mistreatment or outright abuse.
But I ask Toasties to remember my ex is a person with active PTSD who is severely triggered right now due to her mother’s death. (Her mother was one of her abusers.) I don’t think she is likely to be abusive but the whole situation we’re in has hit a lot of my NO NO TIME TO EJECT buttons.
Today I asked her if I could split my time between her apartment and mine and she told me I don’t believe in her, or us as a couple, and that I need to make a choice: either I live with her and we work things out, or I don’t live with her and we’re done as a couple.
I am really miserable. I’ve stated what I want and she shot it down, so now I have to figure out whether she’s for real or not. (She offered to marry me today!!! But she won’t even call me her girlfriend! She’s talked about how happy she is to be free of our commitment to get married!! What in the everloving fuck!!!!) Have I mentioned I don’t care for ultimatums or false binaries as a relationship tactic either. I don’t care for any of this. But she has an illness and I don’t want to walk away just because of that.
Get out. Get out now. Don’t live with her, you’re done as a couple. Damn her PTSD – her treatment of you is already abusive and you need to get away.
But she has an illness and I don’t want to walk away just because of that.
I understand this, but it also can’t be the reason you stay.
Absolutely. She has an illness, but it is her responsibility to cope with it in a way that does not harm other people.
Right. Like, think about it this way: if the illness wasn’t an issue, would you even be thinking about staying?
… oh.
hm.
Sweetie, her illness is leading her to treat you badly. Your feelings matter. If she can’t respect that your needs are equally important, she’s no one you want to be with.
Mental illness doesn’t prevent people from being abusive, nor does it obligate you to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. If you walk away, it will be because of the shitty things she is doing, not because she is mentally ill.
It sucks that she has so much to deal with, but that doesn’t give her permission to hurt you–you deserve to keep your heart and head healthy and whole if you possibly can. Please take seriously your intuition about the possibility of mistreatment and abuse. I don’t know of anyone in my life who saw those red flags and it turned out everything was Just! Peachy! It has usually been quite the opposite…
If it helps: if you decide to walk away, you’d be walking away from the damage she is doing and will do, not just because she has an illness. You don’t have to sacrifice your well-being to her–it’s not going to make her better.
That’s the thing that prompted me to ask to split my time– I’ve been on PTSD forums reading about relationships with people who have PTSD and one thing that’s emphasized by everyone I’ve talked to is that giving in to what she wants and ignoring my own needs doesn’t make her better.
Thanks for the reply.
Along with the others, I don’t think you’re running away because of the illness, I think you’re considering staying [when you otherwise wouldn’t] because of the illness.
You have to do what’s right for you, and put yourself first.
I second the sentiment that she is being manipulative and abusive. You deserve better. You don’t owe her anything. You do not have to commit to being someone’s caretaker (especially someone with no regard for your feelings) just because she has no one else. Your life is your own; it is important. Please seek your happiness.
But she has an illness and I don’t want to walk away just because of that.
You’re not walking away just because of that, you’re walking away because you’re miserable and because of the many, MANY red flags she is waving in your face. Please take care of yourself.
i’ve seen a lot of these propositions lately: a person who says they want a relationship with this name but not doing most of the thing that this name describes [be it marriage or girlfriend or whatever] and the main 2 feelings i come away with are: if you want to do this but you think your partner doesn’t, why are you manipulating them by putting the wrong name not it; and: if you’re so progressively experimental then drop the now-meaningless name already.
this is a lot of manipulative stuff going on. and a lot of it sounds like a distraction technique to take focus off the fact that this ex person has enough shit going on that they don’t need to be forcing a relationship on anyone [non-relationship, call ourselves girlfriends, prove to me you believe me by staying here–whatever]. they need to focus on themselves and getting through what’s going on there.
and more importantly, you’ve stated what you wanted and that got entirely lost in your ex person’s demands. which means, your wishes and your voice are kinda seeming pretty low on the list of priorities of this person, right? so, back away. wish them well. remind them that they’re not ready, that you can’t fix it, that you understand they have needs and desires, but you do as well, and until yours can be heard equally, this is not a conversation.
Seconding all of this. So, so, so important.
I know it is hard, but please, walk away. Speaking as people who have severe PTSD and have spent our lives figuring out how not to do this kind of stuff to people, you are truly not doing her *any favours* by putting up with it. Letting her hurt you is not going to make her any better, plus you in NO WAY deserve to be treated like that. She can learn to do better.
Thanks y’all. People with PTSD can have great emotional skills like anyone else and can be great partners. It sounds like you did a lot of work on yourselves to get to where you are now. People like you are amazing and I have so much respect for that.
I feel like my ex is a good person and have hopes for her to sort this out. But I just don’t want to be the target practice? And it’s hard because I love her too. She just looks at me and suddenly I am willing to do so many things for her.
I am sure she is trying to be a good person and has many fine characteristics! But having PTSD (or any other issue) does not mean she gets to live in a consequence-free zone for her behaviour, or that she is entitled to anything more than the basic treatment with respect & dignity that every other human being is entitled to.
A few years ago, right before I found the Toast, I spent some time on a mental health forum looking for people to talk to, because I was pretty lonely and frankly not expecting I would find the sort of acceptance and affection I have found her. But what I discovered is that while there were some great individuals there, the culture of the forum was based around the idea that, having been subjected to trauma and misery, these people were now Special Snowflakes who should get to go through life without anyone ever making them feel bad NO MATTER WHAT. And people who made them feel bad by having their own needs and issues and boundaries were often demonised as being horrible monsters.
Now, emotionally, I totally get that, I definitely have those emotions sometimes! But actually, other people do not owe me (or anyone) that. Life is not some kind of transaction; the fact that my system’s early years in this world were mostly awful does not mean the rest of the people I meet have to balance the scales by only giving me good things.
I am bringing this up because I wonder if your ex is (perhaps unconsciously) pulling you into this mindset, where because her life has been so hard, it is your job to make it up to her by providing her with whatever she needs at any given moment? There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU that she is asking for something you cannot give. It is fine for her to ask; it is fine for you to say no. At that point if you were both able to be functional adults you negotiate it and find out what works for both of you & do that. The fact that she is unwilling to do this and just escalates her demands is such a red flag!
So… do not be target practise, even though you love her. If what you need is splitting the time, and she won’t do that, then *she* cannot meet *your needs* and that is too bad, but it is just not going to work out right now.
I am thinking many good thoughts for you!
If it helps, toastfriend, it sounds like from what everyone else has said and from my own experiences with anxiety and depression, like the most loving thing you can do is to step away from her right now. Maybe not forever, but at least for now. People can’t get the kind of help and have the kind of self-reflection they need when they are using something that numbs them, whether that’s booze or a girlfriend or video games. I know I never would have taken the steps I needed to take if my partner didn’t lay down for me “here is what I’m not doing for you anymore.”
YES, THIS. I wanted to say the gist of this but couldn’t find a way to put it into words. But my own experience corroborates it; codependency is not going to help her or you.
The CA piece recently about how a girlfriend isn’t a pacifier I think might be good reading for Social.
Your ex wants to monogamy without commitment. At best, she does not have a clear picture of what she wants. At worst, (and probably most realistically) she wants your full commitment to the relationship wants an “out” from making an equal commitment. That is some controlling behavior.
I think she has one good idea; you live in your own place and you’re done as a couple. You need to be able to control your own day-to-day life and put your needs first. She needs to figure out her own illness and get treatment to reach a healthy place, without this relationship question hanging over the whole situation.
I know that you feel very responsible for helping her through her mental illness and her physical illness. But if she can’t accept that help without manipulating you, you have to protect yourself first.
This sounds so hard; I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with it.
I think I remember you saying in an earlier comment about your relationship (forgive me if this is wrong) that part of why you wanted to get married was to provide stability for your girlfriend’s child. The sort of relationship now being proposed feels like it would just increase the uncertainty for all of you, which doesn’t sound like it’s what you want.
Yes, that was the purpose of getting married. That, and my ex was explicitly asking for more stability in our relationship. She’s still asking for stability, but now her definition of stability and mine don’t… match up.
If I had a do-over, I would not have met and gotten involved in her daughter’s life so early in the relationship. I felt weird about it then and wish I’d said something. And sure enough, it opened a door that cannot now be closed. I have a responsibility to this girl now. I still wonder why my ex was totally okay with introducing me to her daughter within two weeks of our first date though.
“I still wonder why my ex was totally okay with introducing me to her daughter within two weeks of our first date”
This is a very astute consideration. It says a lot about your ex and her priorities. It does not say good things about her. I think you have always known it.
Okay Social, I’m going to go way the heck out on a limb here.
I have a family member who faced almost your identical situation (save being in a hetero relationship), and while I hope it doesn’t apply to your life, I worry that it might.
Before I get into it: if you think that your ex is incapable of parenting and is endangering her child, then any mandatory reporter would tell you to call CPS so the child can go live with her relatives or be placed in foster care with trained caretakers until her best interests can be determined.
Assuming that that is not the case:
My uncle bonded with the little daughter of his manipulative, unstable (and eventually violent) wife. He stayed in the marriage for years longer than he should have, and suffered terribly, largely so he could stay in the kid’s life. After the divorce he continued to try to parent this child, still putting up with regular emotional and financial abuse from his ex.
His ex undercut him constantly whenever he tried to actually parent this girl; she trained her daughter to push his buttons, and would use “I’ll cut you off from my kid!” to get every possible concession out of him.
After thirty years of this yanking-around, he ended up suddenly taking in this step-daughter’s OWN kid after discovering that she had grown up to be an abusive mother (and a felon, wheeee!), and nearly lost his second marriage from the resulting stress.
It has been decades of drama, anxiety, moral agony, legal entanglement, colossal expense, all heaped on an incredibly kind, nurturing, honest man. It has traumatized him, and if it were a matter purely of his health and wellbeing, he would never speak to his ex, or his ex-step-daughter, again. But he has chosen, again and again, in favor of keeping them in his life forever, to avoid the initial heartbreak of separating himself from whatever generation of children are currently on offer.
Cutting off this ex and saying goodbye to her child may not feel like the “right” thing to do. That is because your ex knew, on some level, that prematurely enmeshing you with her child might come in handy to prevent you from breaking off the relationship. It is an awful thing to do, whether she consciously meant harm or not. Her successful manipulation does not obligate you to parent her child for the next forty years.
Nobody should propose marriage to a person they don’t feel ready to commit to just because it offers her child some theoretical sense of “security.” Plenty of kids have single parents and feel perfectly “secure,” because their parent doesn’t enlist new love interests into child-rearing roles after the third date! If her child feels confused at your absence, the fault lies squarely with her – not you.
There are many children in the world who have commitment-ready parents, or no parents at all, who would benefit tremendously from your love and care. But this child is already spoken for. You can only say goodbye to this child as clearly, cleanly, and as compassionately as possible, and hope that your time with her will have a lasting positive impact.
I’m so sorry that you find yourself backed into your corner, and that the way out is such a hard one. I hope that your future happiness will eclipse the darkness of this particular chapter.
Such a good point!
I suspect the second you get 2 weeks alone to yourself, without her, it’s going to feel like this ocean of calm. My ex spent about 2 years going back and forth on commitment with me- he wanted to get married and then didn’t believe in marriage both in the same week sometimes. And I was so tired at the end that when he broke up with me I think i stunned us both with how fast I walked out the door. I just said, “ok fine.” and he said, “Wait I wanted to do this differently and talk!” And I said, “I’m done talking.”
I was very sad for about 5 days, then medium sad for a week, then ok in 2 weeks, and by week 7 I was with someone else (not something I planned). The feeling of just being in my grief without him around changing his mind all the damn time was a relief in itself. By week 3 I realized I wouldn’t take him back even if he came back and agreed to everything I wanted because I couldn’t trust him after all those years.
I think you need to go no contact for a while. Tell her that you don’t agree to a relationship under these terms, and that you will talk to her in 3 months, when you’ve both had time to figure out what you want and have therapy and be apart. It may be that once you see your life can go on without her you might realize that’s what you want. Or it might be that you both realize you want to be with each other and have some time to figure out how that can work.
You aren’t responsible for other people’s illnesses. I truly don’t believe you got put on the planet in your “one wild and precious life” to tend to her demands. It’s her job to deal with her illness, and find appropriate structures to support her with that.
“I think you need to go no contact for a while. Tell her that . . . you will talk to her in 3 months, when you’ve both had time to . . . have therapy and be apart.”
Very good.
I’m pretty certain I’m paraphrasing from Captain Awkward, but: you can’t burn yourself on the bonfire of her illness, because it will consume you and then it will come right back around for her. Pay attention to the fact that she’s hitting your ‘I’m done!’ buttons and /get out/. Look after yourself, and you will be in a position to look after her (because it’s OK to care about her, even though things are crap and difficult and right now she is treating you in a way that is not OK)
Everyone else said what’s true but here is the Captain Awkward reference text:
http://captainawkward.com/2015/10/24/i-want-to-br…
Nonononono
Her illness is very sad but as well as illness she has a manipulative streak a mile wide. You are not her life preserver. Get out now. Listen to yourself. Read what you wrote. What would you tell someone who told that story to you?
Toasts of Toronto and Environs there is a Toast-Up tomorrow! Here is the link to the Facebook event.
I am very excited about my weekend because of the Toast-Up on Saturday and then a SWAN PARADE on Sunday. Hundreds risk life and limb to watch small feathered dinosaurs carefully herded from their winter home into the river and I shall be one of them.
YES. Thank you for first paging this!
Also, swan parade?? That sounds … absolutely terrifying. Unhappy swans are nightmare-material
A building near me has a mechanical swan to keep the geese away. Whatever geese are afraid of has to be TERRIFYING.
HOLY SHIT
I’m in Toronto. And last night (I posted about this further down but didn’t go into detail) I had a stress dream about attending a Toast event. But I’m positive I didn’t know there was one here tomorrow! No, I must have known. I must have seen it in passing (I don’t think I would ever pass a mention of a Toronto Toast-Up without a serious consider.) Because I DON’T BELIEVE IN PRECOGNITIVE DREAMS.)
So in my dream, I went to a Toast event but no one would talk to me (because social anxiety) so I just kept eating the plethora of pastries that were spread out on a table and then I decided to steal some (I would not do this but in the dream there was a fruit bread that I just absolutely had to take home) so I plopped it in my purse but one of you saw and then I knew that none of you would ever like me because now you knew I was a Gluten Thief.
So if I come (I probably won’t) please hide your bread.
I would like to be there in spirit as I am neither available nor on Facebook. Have fun!
Toasts, I have fulfilled my destiny and finally become a maiden aunt. I feel like this inevitability has been stalking me for like 20 years, and hey, turns out it’s not so bad!
Also my weird superpower of guessing baby sex continues to hold. [that was a weird sentence to write.] As I suspected, he’s a boy. I need to find some way to monetize this freak ability of mine.
Congrats!! I think this will be my future, too. It’s why I’ve always loved this Lizzie Bennet line from the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice:
“So, I shall end an old maid, and teach your ten children to embroider cushions and play their instruments very ill.”
Life motto, right there.
what gender is my sister in law’s baby going to be????
uhhhhh I don’t think I’ve ever tried it with people I haven’t met, but the first word that popped into my head was girl, so, maybe that? *shruggy guy*
OH GOD I HOPE SO I HOPE SO SO BAD!
My “guessing the sex” success rate is pretty high, but I have to remind myself that I generally have about a 50/50 shot of getting it right.
yeah it’s a bit less impressive when you remind yourself there’s only two choices. But I recently learned that apparently this is a thing my dad does too so it’s like generational, and it’s a good party trick 😉
A friend of mine, her mom was convinced she was going to have a girl. Carried like a girl, she just knew this was going to be a girl-child. Well, it looked at first as if she was wrong, but fast-forward 30 years, and turns out she was totally right after all.
Ok, I have to dash so I don’t have time to detail my grocery plan, but here’s my meal plan and a bit about how I decided it!
Over the past two weeks, my spouse and I have started lifting weights again, and OH MY GOD SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME GIVE ME ALL THE PROTEIN AHHHHHHHHHHHH so I’m trying to get in more high-protein meals. Spouse doesn’t eat meat, so I’m doing a lot with tofu, yuba, beans and lentils, and yogurt/dairy. Please feel free to share your favorite protein-rich recipes!!! PLEASE?!?!?
Here’s what I have so far:
Lunch batch: spinach-ricotta (ok ok it’s actually cottage cheese because $$$) calzones with lentils and whole-wheat crust
Sichuan boiled fish with tofu in place of fish (yeah this is a repeat from last week but it was SO GOOD I just had to have it again!), rice
Deep dish pizza (another repeat but it’s so good and a nice Sunday evening meal to make together)
Tanzanian potato and coconut soup, will probably add some lentils to this, bread
Bell pepper and potato curry, rice, yogurt
Yuba (dried tofu sticks) stir fry with bell peppers and bok choy, rice, maybe some sort of salad with lentils???
Red lentils dal with lime and scallions, rice, yogurt
Pasta cacio e pepe (pasta with romano cheese and black pepper)
I have to stock up on frozen chicken breasts (for my post-workout lunches), fresh veggies (carrots, bok choy, shiitakes, garlic, onion, bell peppers), pasta, cheeses (for the pizza and pasta), and some nuts and seeds so I can make my favorite pre-workout snack. (I would usually link to My New Roots itself but it won’t load for some reason and I HAVE to run out the door like five minutes ago!)
I am all about the vegetarian protein life. Here’s a couple faves:
Avgolemono soup, made this on Wednesday and have been eating leftovers for lunch. Eggs add protein, spinach gives some iron.
The easiest, most convincing palak paneer
My favorite sandwich, inspired by Clover in Boston: get a pack of unseasoned seitan. Sautee sliced onions low and slow until they are caramel, then add seitan, sautee for a couple minutes to warm, and add your favorite bbq sauce. Serve on an onion roll with a slice of tomato and cheddar, or on a pretzel roll with a quick brussels sprout slaw (chop brussels into ribbons, sautee with a little oil, your favorite vinegar, and a whole grain mustard)
That sandwich sounds so yummy, I will have to add it to my repertoire
My favorite dal is coconut oil, onions-ginger-garlic-chili, turmeric, ground coriander, cumin seed, garam masala, bay leaf, can of coconut milk, can of chopped tomatoes, 2/3 red split lentils + 1/3 plain brown lentils, water to cover. I never measure the spices but always toast them in the oil before adding the liquids, and I use quite a bit. It smells heavenly, is the most beautiful speckled orange, has great texture from the two kinds of lentils, and is *BONUS* vegan! I may need to make it tomorrow. It’s the shiz.
If you’re cool incorporating protein powders into recipes, Terry Hope Romero has a new cookbook out called Protein Ninja that might be of interest. It’s vegan, but if you want to use dairy cheese/yogurt/whatever in recipes, that’s easy enough. Also the falafel are excellent.
Does your person eat eggs? Because if so – frittata, quiche, etc. There are recipes for egg bakes out there that can be eaten well leftover, too.
Well, person does but I cannot, alas. Things could be so much easier without malfunctioning guts! I can’t have quinoa or the Quorn brand meat substitutes either argh.
I don’t know that it is a summer activity, maybe more a result of (half-hearted) spring cleaning, but I would like to make my home more comfortable and pleasing. Right now it is functional, if cluttered. This week I’ve slowly developed an obsession with some new bedding that was on clearance at Target. It isn’t even really unique, it is a white duvet cover with gray border and matching shams. I have two dogs and a cat. I can’t have white bedding!
Oh well, I saw it on Tuesday so it is probably long gone.
oh man, house-pride is totally my spring/summer jam. My summer aspiration is to take an old bedframe and turn it into an outdoor plant-pot rack, frame + hang a shit-ton of art, paint the bathroom, fix a wonky window or two, and reorganize the kitchen for the 3rd time since we’ve moved in.
Next week at this time, I shall be basking in the post-chat glory of Mallory and Nicole at Cornell. http://events.cornell.edu/event/shop_talk_featuri…
Yes, this is a SHAMELESS pre-brag. SHAMELESS.
Do you know if the plans for a Toastie meetup for dinner are still in effect? I was included on the super early pre-planning email chain, but I don’t know if any more solid plans were ever made?
Unsure. I wasn’t in on that but I am excited to hear about what is planned!
Last night I got to meet another toastie (whose username I would spell badly)! We went to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me and it was SO MUCH FUN.
Tell me about fun things you have been doing or have plans for!
I met Miss Catherine IRL a few weeks ago! She trusted me inside her house and willingly got in my car. Her gray cat is secretly a dog, so he and I got along very well. Miss Catherine’s partner was sociable and impressively tolerant of this strange, intense woman who gabbed in their house for hours.
And Miss Catherine herself! What a fascinating person, with a very Toastlike wry sense of humor. And so very welcoming. She made me feel I was important to her.
You may all commence being jealous of me.
It was me! It was me! And it was SO MUCH FUN! Hooray for Toastie meetup and new friends.
THERE YOU ARE! Hi!
And I would totally have messed up the spelling of your name. 😛
Yay! I’m glad you guys were able to meet up in spite of my space cadet-ness.
(I’m Marie, in other places.)
I WAS AT THAT WAIT WAIT TAPING!!
they really did a whiz-bang job on that one.
Daredevil s2 thread? Spoilery thoughts below the cut…
There were things I loved about this season (most of them being Karen Page), but I wasn’t enamoured of it overall. The Punisher got more compelling as a character as his arc went on, and Karen’s projection of her own guilt onto him was convincing, but I felt the ‘villain’ slot really suffered from not having one central person or force filling it. Were we supposed to hate DA Reyes/the system? Stick and his fanaticism? The wooly, over-Orientalised Hand??
The gore quota also seemed to go up dramatically which I found it hard to deal with at times. And Matt and Karen’s relationship is so unconvincing that I really hope they’re not intending it as any kind of endgame.
Elektra was a pretty great introduction though, and I loved the flashbacks to her and Matt’s time together.
What did you like and dislike? Where do you see the story going next?
I LOVED Karen so much. She’s the heart of this season for me.
Oh definitely. I was expecting them to do more explicitly with her having killed Wesley though – it was there implicitly a lot, especially in the first half of the season, but I wonder whether it will ever come out to Matt and Foggy at least, and if the show will address the effect it had on her in a more direct way.
Also, related: excellent Karen as Daredevil fic ( based on s1) http://archiveofourown.org/works/4081771
I just watched the first four episodes (of the second series), and YEAH. Matt always seems so distant and dismissive of Karen. I don’t understand why the show is pushing this relationship! Foggy is so much better. He actually acts like he cares about her! Gaah.
I felt pretty meh about the Punisher. I didn’t feel like there was such a big difference between Daredevil and the Punisher as the show wants us to believe. Daredevil chokes people with chains, hits them repeatedly in the head, pushes them down stairs–am I really supposed to believe none of them have died? Seriously? JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT SHOOTING PEOPLE DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT KILLING THEM, MATT. Does this get explored later? Probably not.
I want Karen to get more respect. Gah.
here’s the thing I have about Daredevil:
he’s got these two metal sticks (he used them at the end of ssn1) and you can see them in a thigh-holster in almost every shot, and all he ever does is THROW them at people. Like, look, I mean, there are a lot worse things that you can throw at someone and a metal stick is fine for that, but why on earth would you give a guy two metal sticks and then think “oh yeah, first thing, huck it at a guy”?
Later on when he is fighting ninjas, he keeps punching them and then in order to fight them better he picks up a nearby stick to hit them with! His metal sticks are RIGHT THERE ON HIS PANTS why does he pick up a different stick to fight the ninjas!?!?
AND THEN when he finally gets a new super-stick what is the first thing he does? He shoots it! He shoots it at and pulls it back with a rope! IT IS A STICK HOW IS THE FIRST THING THAT YOU THINK OF TO DO WITH A STICK SHOOTING IT AT SOMETHING?
i don’t know, I don’t know
So um… I’m not saying my dog is the cutest ever when she sleeps, but examine the evidence.
I’d say the evidence is pretty conclusive.
You’re not wrong.
Ah… Cloe with a bed all to herself, to be shared only with the cuddly toy of her choosing, and no cats trying to squeeze her out. That is a contented dog.
Oh my gosh, how are you not petting that dog RIGHT NOW?! Those ears!! They look so soft and perfect!
Also A+ paw positioning.
Want to see the meanest goddamn April Fool’s prank in existence?
http://brokelyn.com/hamilton-prospect-park-show-2…
If you call the number provided, it goes to Trump campaign HQ. Diabolical.
NO
IF IT IS JUST A GOD DAMN PLAUSIBLE LIE IT IS NOT A GOOD PRANK
That’s what I said last year about the Amazon instant buttons. They were neither.
I am in love with themarysue for referring to today as Gaslighting Day. I fucking hate April Fool’s Day so much, I can’t even.
Me, too, I hate it so much but everybody else seems to love it so I keep my hatred to myself every year. (But this year I am ECSTATIC that it falls on a Friday, my work-from-home day, so I don’t have to live the whole day in constant fear of being-made-fun-of at work.)
Library and Archives Canada’s announcement of their acquisition of military records for Wolverine was pretty goddamned hilarious, though.
GASLIGHTING DAY!!! How did I miss this? Sooooo perfect, thank you both.
TIDYING THREAD
I think I might, after seven years of a good run, be having a bad Freecycle experience. But we are SO CLOSE YOU GUYS to having a usable spare room rather than a big old box room full of things I don’t like or want to deal with! Only a table and an office chair to get rid of! I know these are actually huge items!
I came back from my trip to Barcelona which was amazing, and now I’m in a deep post-trip funk, not helped by the terrible weather in nyc and my general moodiness surrounding living here. I’ve been here all of my adult life (went to college here and stayed) so I have no idea how living outside of here is like, but being in Barcelona and seeing such a different way of living, idk. I’ve been feeling for a while that I want to move somewhere else but I don’t know where (I grew up in NJ, so I have not gone very far) and I feel selfish and bad because also one of the main reasons I want to move is to like.. date people… seriously, which feels incredibly impossible here (the most I can manage is one or two month “hanging out” sessions until the dude decides he really needs to “focus on himself” and “having a relationship will interfere with my career” as if I don’t have a career I need to focus on too). I have great friends a literally amazing day job and a fledgling freelance career in what I want to do, I shouldn’t move, but I think I want to, really badly.
Anyway, point is: did you ever move just because you felt the need to? How did you feel about it after?
I have moved several times just because. Turns out it’s true that wherever I go, there I am. I want to move again right now, actually, but am trying to remember that I follow myself and be patient.
That’s a really good phrase to remember, thank you for that
I came back from my first trip to Barcelona with the same feeling that moving to Barcelona would be the best thing I could possibly do. It’s been 8 years and I haven’t done it (yet) but you’re not alone. There’s something about that city, man.
It’s so interesting seeing that that’s what everyone’s response was, I’m not looking to exactly move to Barcelona, just somewhere else, but I think barcelona is literally magic. I read Homage to Catalonia by George Orwell before going (lol) and it’s very cool to see how a city/country can bounce back so vibrantly from something as terrible as the Spanish Civil War/ensuing dictatorship and also how they’ve hung onto their catalan culture so strongly and I think all of that has something to do with the ~vibe~
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with moving just because you feel like it! Especially to Barcelona, which is some kind of magic city that apparently everyone wishes they could move to. (Can I ditto the other two dittos already on this thread? What the hell, Barcelona.)
Maybe it helps to think of it as like, instead of giving up a bunch of irreplaceable things that you have where you are now, you’re just… moving your talents at getting those things to a different place? Like, if you have great friends now, you are probably a person who is generally good at finding people to be great friends friends with, most likely because you yourself are a great person to be pals with. This doesn’t always work out, but a lot of times it does. Also – you’ll have even more great friends, but now they’re in more places and you have an excuse to travel to those places! This will be true even if you go home.
Also, honestly, it sounds like you’re in a pretty good place right now to up and move. Probably the best place, even. Like, assuming that this urge to wander isn’t going to go away, now that you have the idea – would you be willing to do that after you’ve stuck around here for a while and have accidentally acquired a Very Nice Boy, and probably even more roots for your career? Will future-you resent it if you had to give up on traveling in order to keep those things?
(Also: have you seen the dudes in Barcelona. Come on. Like, come on. Seriously. If you’re moving abroad to date, may you always move abroad to date a Barcelona Dude.)
Amen, if you want to live abroad, I think it generally never gets easier the longer you live and the more responsibilities you have and the older your family members get. It can be done, but if you have an impulsive dream, the time to do it is before you have a pet, a spouse, a kid, a mortgage, etc.
Your paragraph about friends actually helped a lot, because that’s one of my main issues. I really love my support system here and it’s very scary going off to a place without a structure in place (like school) in order to meet friends, but I definitely feel like I’m much better equipped now to make friends randomly than I was even a couple years ago.
And why are the dudes so attractive? I don’t even get like, crazy over conventionally attractive dudes here, but man, all of them are so so hot there?? Like I was like “stop gaping at people it’s rude.” And the way most of them talk to girls is just really refreshing too
I am in the middle of that process and one of my hopes is that when I get to my new city, dating will be a heck of a lot better than NYC. It is seriously awful here, and I say that having exchanged stories with friends in so many other cities around the world and the US. It is pretty rough everywhere but I feel like here it’s just… on another level! And I also say that as someone who dates guys who are fairly older than me (aka one would hope men in their mid 30s could be looking for something more serious than just hanging out/hooking up… but no)
Astrologically speaking, I think this is a good time for you to be reflecting like this (if you’re into that at all), and so it makes sense that you are coming to this realization now- not just bc of your trip.
Also, to go off the idea that Linabobeena says about “wherever I go, there I am”… I have done those kind of moves too with the same results. BUT it sounds to me like you want to move to experience something new! Which is different than the “I want to move bc I can’t deal with my life here right now” move. And I think the “I want to try this out and it feels right” moves can be the best ones of all! Not to say they don’t have their hard moments. But so worth it in the end!
I vote a move to Barcelona 🙂
Right, like I know technically dating is bad for women pretty much everywhere, but I don’t think people outside of the city get how truly awful the attitude of most men (even older men) here have towards even engaging in anything remotely emotional (did you see that NYT article about the sad poor bachelors in their 40s in NYC who never settled down/ever had a real meaningful relationship with someone and now they’re sad boooo hoooo). I love being alone and prioritizing myself and haven’t had a real relationship in many many maaany years and while I feel icky having that as a reason, I’ve gotten to a point in my life where sharing it with someone would be really nice, and I would like to prioritize it.
And also thank you for the astrological reading! I’m not up on it enough to know that myself but I love having friends give me astrological advice so that’s relieving too that the stars might have something to do with it
I am exactly the same! Spent many years prioritizing me (never dated seriously even when I would have been happy to do so), am happy to be on my own and do my own thing/ would rather be alone than with the wrong person, and also didn’t want to date someone unless I *truly* liked them… and of course that was the real clincher bc I never met anyone here that I really liked!
And now I’m really ready for partnership and something more. I’m ready to not be the focus of my own life. I want to commit to finding someone. And I’ve dated guys here age 30-45… and not a single one seemed to be in that stage yet! (And I read that article and wanted to roll my eyes right out the window at their “sad-single-man” stories).
Also sorry we all piled on about Barcelona! I know you didn’t mean that place specifically, but you mentioned enjoying it and who doesn’t want to tell someone to follow a dream and move, not only for a new experience, but a new experience in Barcelona! ^_^
FWIW: Everyone I know who has been to Barcelona wants to live there.
I think perhaps I worded the post wrong, I don’t want to move to barcelona specifically, just away from here in general, but its so interesting seeing that that’s what everyone’s response is to visiting there!
This is a late response, but I’ve done that three or four times. It’s actually how I ended up here in Brooklyn! I’ve lived in every major city on the West coast, and did not fully enjoy any of them. I finally said fuck it, moved across the country, and have been in NYC for just over a year now! I finally feel happy and settled, and not like I’m planning to break up with the city any time soon. Everywhere I’ve lived I’ve just been me, but it took me a long time to find a place where I felt like I was the best ME I could be. If that makes sense.
I think we should make more of a habit of asking ourselves what we REALLY want out of life. If right now what you need and/or want is to seek out a longterm relationship, and you feel you can’t do it here, then follow your heart and leave. I don’t think there’s any shame in deciding to do something, even something so momentous and life changing as moving cities, for no “good” reason. If it makes you happy, do it! Change will not ruin your life, and sometimes pushes you on to greater heights, imo.
Next week is my spring break! But I’m dreading having to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning, which I feel terrible for complaining about, since the reason I can’t sIeep in until my normal decadent hour of 9:30 is that I have to be at a friend’s house at 7:30 tomorrow morning to help with her sell-basically-everything-they-own sale (necessitated by family-wide health issues). I’m a jerk. It’s official. Anyway I’m so sad for them and so worried they won’t raise the money they need. Prayers/good vibes/etc. appreciated.
Just read this article (http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/interrogation/2016/04/an_interview_with_peggy_orenstein_author_of_girls_and_sex_navigating_the.html). I’d be interested to hear what Toasts think. I know nothing about the author, and her sample group seemed to be a bit limited, but some of what she said resonated with me a lot:
“The commodification of female sexuality and the use of female sexuality, and that very narrow, very commercial and superficial idea of “hot” as being the end all and be all of female sexuality so that what young women learn is that what’s important about them is to express and perform sexiness, has been intensified. That it’s more important how their bodies appear to others than how those bodies feel to them.”
I remember feeling that sense of having ‘perform’ rather than be sexual as a teen and a young woman and I came up long before the internet was ubiquitious. I definitely agree with her about the difference between celebration and commodification.
she was on fresh air this week, so i didn’t read that piece, but heard her interview instead. i thought it was amazing and so telling about the many ways we’re groomed to serve men / dominating partners rather than ask anything of them. it was heartbreaking, really.
I heard the Fresh Air interview and so many things she said really, really resonated with me. I have spent a lot of time working on issues of adolescent sexual health and so much of what she talked about is stuff that reflects what I talked to teens/young adults about during education sessions, what other studies reflect, what my own research demonstrated, and what I and my peers experienced. I am glad that this book is coming out. I know that it is a limited sample wrt class and education levels (and probably lgbtq questions) but I would be very surprised if other groups experienced the pressure to perform sexuality less than the people Orenstein interviewed.
It’s not really that much of a surprise that fewer than one-half of girls 14 to 17 have ever masturbated, and then they go into a partnered experience, and we think that they’re going to be able to have a voice or advocate for themselves or have a sense of what their own pleasure is. It’s completely unrealistic, and it puts girls not only at a disadvantage in terms of having a satisfying sexual experience but also just having an equal relationship.
I haven’t even finished it yet, but jesus christ yes to this.
I was in a group of men and women talking about sex ed and brought up the fact that female pleasure wasn’t something I ever really learned about. I thought I was alone in not experiencing orgasms every time I had sex until – no lie – the age of 20 (so 2 years in). And I never really got much out of sex until my mid-20’s. Every time I’ve discussed this with women they were understanding or shared something similar. In this mixed-gender group, one of the men said “well, it’s the responsibility of the woman to speak up and tell the man what she wants.” And everyone seemed to accept that and the convo moved forward before I could really respond. So I’m responding here.
WHAT THE FUCK MAKES SOMEONE THINK A GIRL (LIKE A TEENAGER) WITH SHITTY SEX ED JUST WAKES UP ONE DAY KNOWING HOW TO TELL A MAN HOW TO PLEASE HER.
Also, I believe strongly that the vast majority of men I’ve had sex with just didn’t really care about my pleasure or notice whether or not I got off unless I spoke up and said something. Which I still have trouble doing because I’m so conditioned to be polite and protect a man’s feelings on this subject they’re so damn sensitive about.
Which isn’t to say I don’t have the responsibility to be more vocal, just that discovering people online in feminist spaces talking in ways that confirm for me that much of my experience is culturally conditioned and not just me has been so meaningful to me.
Hooray! Tonight I get to go out for the first time in what feels like ages, to see Chris Hadfield perform with the VSO! Are there any other Toastfolk out there who are attending as well? Bf & I are in the upper balcony as thems are the seats we could afford.
This sounds awesome! And has made me realize that I think I stopped getting emails from the VSO, since I had not heard about it. Have fun!
Most of the time I just moan to myself ‘noooooooooo’ and ‘whyyyyyy are these people coming when I can’t afford tickets’ but since I was completely locked out of Flight of the Conchords tix, we did this instead.
OMG, I didn’t realise that was a thing! I’m buying a ticket right now.
Well, if you see me & bf, please say hi. I’ll be the short-haired gal in a navy blue dress, silver wrap, (probably) sparkly shoes…No idea what he’s wearing beyond dressy trousers (shirt of some form or another but no clue what colour yet) but he has short, dark, curly hair and we are the same height.
Biology (Ecology/Evolution/Entomology) Toasties who feel inclined to offer grad school advice! I am slowly psyching myself up to apply for grad school and am utterly terrified! I realized about halfway through my senior year of undergrad that I had no desire to immediately sign on for another few years of schooling and that I didn’t want to eventually try to become a college professor, so I’ve been working as a lab manager for a few years. I have quite a bit of research experience, but my grades are not particularly good (above a 3.0, but just barely) and having heard several coworkers refer to people with GPAs of 3.3-3.5 as “not good” has made me scared that there is no way I can get into grad school. A lot of the problem with my grades was due to untreated depression + the deaths of several close family members, but I’m also scared that I just don’t react healthily to the stress of school and that doing a PhD or even a masters might actually kill me. Am I freaking myself out unnecessarily? I also know that this is super early in the cycle to be worrying about applications but it may take me several months to actually work up the confidence to apply.
Listen, You will never ever get into grad school if you don’t apply.
APPLY, YOU CAN DO IT. You have experience and such.
I used to work in the admissions office of an ecology program (and went to grad school for ecology myself) and I’ll tell you a secret- If a professor wants you in their lab, your grades don’t matter. At all. And because you have a few years of experience they matter even less.
I was about to say the same. Find a prof you want to work with, approach him/her, get them to agree to take you on, THEN apply.
Also, don’t take just any research topic. You’re going to be living and breathing it for years, it has to be something you care about.
Schools have support systems, and you’ll be working closely with other grad students too. Be sure your grad supervisor is supportive as well. Good luck to you!
Disclaimer: All of the following comes from my own experience, as I just finished applying to developmental biology PhD programs, so I can’t really speak to a PI perspective. If you have any other questions at any point, I would be happy to offer advice on any stage of the process 🙂
This is just my own experience, but hopefully it will be helpful:
First, what I understand of grad school admissions is that what matters ABSOLUTELY the most is your research and how well you talk about it. This means that the fact you were a lab manager is a huge strength, because not only do you have research experience, it also tells me that you’re an organized person who can deal with logistics/people. In my experience, lab managers are 100% some of the most knowledgeable and helpful people, and those are really good qualities that people (and PIs I expect) will be excited about. Make sure that you can explain your research clearly and concisely, as that will be really important for your personal statement and in interviews.
Second, your GPA is on the low side. BUT, given your experience, I don’t think it will be as much of a drawback as it otherwise could be. All the applications I filled out had a place where you could explain any extenuating circumstances that might have impacted your GPA, so most places definitely take those sorts of things into account.
Third, I obviously can’t comment specifically on how you will deal with the stress of grad school. When I interviewed, some schools stressed mental health issues/the available support much more than others, so if you look for that, there will definitely be support systems that you can take advantage of. A PI that you feel comfortable with will also be a plus. I think if it’s something you are really concerned about, it might be worth doing a master’s first, and that will give you the added opportunity to boost your GPA. However, if you are certain you want a PhD and you can clearly articulate the reasons why to yourself, then my inclination would be to just go for it. Maybe you can also apply to a couple master’s programs at the same time just in case or choose programs that offer a terminal master’s? I knew a couple people who did that.
Fourth, it’s not too early to start thinking about your application – for instance, now would be a good time to make sure you have all the references you need/cultivate some new relationships with professors if you don’t have enough. Strong references will really help your application. Also, ask your PI/professors in the relevant fields what they think the best programs are for what you’re interested in, and start researching them. That will help you figure out what you want in a program, so you can be a bit more targeted in where you apply. I’m not sure if your field does rotations, but if so, it’s probably not worth it to apply anywhere there aren’t 3-5 professors you would really want to work with.
Apologies for the novel I’m about to write you! I have OPINIONS about grad school and how grad students are treated:
I think the stress of grad school is beyond high, but it can still be doable! I think the trick is considering what resources you’ll have at hand once you’re there. When you’re applying, check into what the school’s insurance is like (often beyond shitty for the basic plan and expensive for the actually helpful plan) and what their on- and off-campus resources for mental health are. Don’t be afraid to email people involved with mental health and counseling on campus if you have questions. They’re not going to tattle on you and you can gauge how comprehensive their services really are in actual life, as opposed to what they take credit for on their website, and how responsive they’ll be when you need them.
Once you get in someplace, visit the school if you can and talk to the current grad students, or see if you can email some questions if you can’t travel (or both!). The grad students can tell you so much about what departmental and lab culture is like–and often they’ll be excruciatingly honest and if they’re not, it’s usually pretty easy to read between the lines. The gist of it all the following questions are: Are you just going to be a drudge expected to take whatever is dished out or do they take mentorship and work-life balance seriously?
So: What do students do to blow off steam? Do they feel they’re respected and listened to? What’s their workload like? Do they actually get breaks/vacations or are they expected to be there all the time? Does the department sponsor clubs, social activities, etc. for grad students? Do grad students feel like they belong to a community? Does the department put a high value on mentorship and do they train the profs on it? Are there certain professors to watch out for whose lab culture or behavior isn’t so hot? What happens when there isn’t a good fit between a student and a lab or the professor is being a dick? Is there an actual policy in writing about how to transfer labs? Is that student actually supported when they try to find a new lab? What’s the policy for reporting bad behavior and how does the administration respond?
Also, before you finally go, no matter if you have a known possible issue or not, it’s really good to have a plan for mental health in place: commit to feeding yourself well, sleeping, and having some kind of regularly scheduled activity/hobby/exercise/whatever that isn’t school and makes you feel good; round up your supportive friends and family to check in with you; and have an explicit plan in place for what you’re going to do if your stress interferes with your physical or mental well-being. I found it really hard to figure out what to do for myself when it felt like all of the shit was hitting all of the fans.
No matter what though, good luck in applications! I’m sure you will rock it!
Re: grades: These are things to address in your personal statement, and, ideally, things that your recommenders will back up in the letters they write in support of your application. Have references who will rave about you, and work hard in studying for your GREs. Grades do matter, but schools are also looking at a total package. (Also, if your GPA within your major was better than your overall GPA, highlight this as well if the application doesn’t automatically ask for both calculations.
A PhD is tough, and hard on one’s mental health, but going in eyes open and having a plan before a crisis comes would go very very far. The real issue is people waiting too long to get help: have your system and support network in place in advance and take advantage of every resource available to you. If it would help, make your plan before you apply, so that you have a sense of how this would be manageable.
Good luck! It’s tough but when you go in with your eyes open it can be worth it.
I’m in immunology, so a little different, but I think it’s generally true that research experience is 100% more important than grades. If you can talk competently and passionately about your research work you should have good luck getting in.
When you get to grad school, sometimes people think that if your grades are too high you aren’t working hard enough in lab!
You’ll probably end up going to interviews, and you should ask the students about psychological support. Grad school is incredibly stressful, I’m not going to lie, but my school has a dedicated psychologist for the graduate students and post-docs. The students will know what’s available and if it’s any good or not.
Hope you’re still reading — PhD student in ecology/evolution here, six weeks out from defending, was pretty much in your exact boat when I was applying. I will say that I found grad school straight-up less stressful than undergrad, despite coming with new and significant challenges. I’m getting paid to go to school, for one thing, which is huge. Another thing is that I lucked into a department where overworking yourself is not a status symbol. Also, I find the type of work to be a lot less anxiety-making; like, even if I’m putting in long hours, most of the time it’s for well-defined tasks (collect data until all the data are collected), which I find soothing and satisfying. I love my research topic, so reading and writing and studying come really naturally. Deadlines are a lot more…er…optional, because you have more of a personal relationship with the people you report to and can renegotiate your workload as needed. (Of course, try to make sure you are working with good humans.) And finally, I’ve just grown up and matured and have faith in my own resilience! I know I can deal with challenges as they come up.
As others have said, get in touch soon with professors you might be interested in working with. If you’re not already, keep an eye on listservs like evoldir and ecolog to get a better idea of the landscape of opportunities.
Good luck!
It’s April 1st, the anniversary of my move to New Mexico, start of chapter 7 (or 8 depending) in my theoretical autobiography.
It’s also pretty undeniably spring (even if it did snow a little this week) aaand it’s a lot closer to my birthday than most other new year’s-es and April is when Target gives it’s (pathetic) raises. So:
Happy New Year.
Any new goals? Any significant progress on last years goals?
I’m closing in on going back to school full time (just waiting for class registration to open). My goals include getting back into the gym and eating fewer pounds of candy a week (not that a pound or two a week would go amiss but I consume candy at work almost compulsively and thus with little joy).
I’m living in the city of my choice (a huge accomplishment). Now my goals are to make this place feel like home and make friends.
I went to a gynecologist for the first time since I was 18 and it was kind of a terrible experience? She was running 30 minutes late, and obviously trying to make up for lost time: I was out of there in all of 8 minutes. She told me to undress and was shouting questions at me while I was behind the screen – I didn’t hear half of it. She didn’t explain any of the stuff she was doing, at all, even when it hurt. She didn’t take a medical history or ask anything about my sex life. I should obviously have said something but I was just so baffled, plus she was rushing me so much I didn’t fully realize this was a bad experience until she had gotten me out the door. I googled her and found a few Yelp reviews from people who had the exact same experience. Lesson learned. It was a routine checkup w pap smear and I’m bleeding now, hours later? Is that normal!? I wouldn’t know because she didn’t speak 10 words to me. I’m real mad.
first of all, i’m so sorry this happened to you.
a little bleeding with a pap smear can happen. but it should be from when she scrapes your cervix to gather cells, and not from inserting a speculum hurriedly.
if you have a venue for complaining (for instance, is she part of a medical group?) and you’re feeling up to sharing this story, then you definitely should.
Oh my gosh I’m so sorry 🙁 🙁 that is the worst. I’ve never bled after a pap smear–I don’t think that should happen and I’m so angry on your behalf at this doctor. If it’s not heavy bleeding, I’d wait it out for a day and then go to any other doctor to get it checked out if it lasts overnight.
I am sending you my warmest internet hugs. I hope you find a better gyn, they do exist.
Oh dear, I’m so sorry that happened to you!
Yes, it’s normal to have some light bleeding (that would require a pantiliner or show up on toilet paper) post-Pap. If you’re not due for your period, bleeding heavy enough to require a pad/tampon/cup/whatever you use, would be unusual. Hope that helps.
once i asked for a referral rather than go to my GP and it was THE WORST. i persisted and did end up at a good office, but that first time i was like “you specialize in this and you suck at it!”
Been there. It’s the worst.
Oh ugh. I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible. If you’re in the NY or Long Island area, I HIGHLY recommend the Women’s Health Pavilion, esp Dr. Santiago. She’s WONDERFUL. I’ve been dealing with an unfortunate cascade of lady-parts nonsense in the last couple years (ruptured cyst, mysterious cells in cervix, surgery, just barely escaping cervical cancer…fun). They have surgeons and doctors and everyone is professional and lovely. Also, Dr Santiago is like the Fastest Hands in The West (of my vagina) which I REALLY appreciate.
Oh no, I’m so sorry. Bleeding after a Pap smear can happen for sure, but yikes I would not see this provider again. I’ve had good luck getting compassionate, attentive gynecological care at my local Planned Parenthood, if you have one. I’ll tell ya, you could tell those doctors and nurses you were banging a herd of elephants, and they’d nod and say “so have you been using protection” without even blinking.
Just to add to the chorus here, my gyn always tells me “if a pap smear hurts, there’s something wrong with either your cervix or your doctor!” This might be slightly exaggerated for effect? It seems like some people are just more sensitive. But yeah, this sounds awful.
Ugh I made a terrible mistake, I had nothing in the house for breakfast so I went out and ordered the smallest breakfast on the menu that wasn’t just yogurt and granola (which means eggs, sausage, fruit, pancakes, and the obligatory never-empty cup of coffee) and now I am at work when all I want to do is sleep off the glorious, glorious carbs.
Breakfast humble-bragger! 🙂
(only 40 more minutes to lunch (so hungry))
Open Thread! I need your help!!
So, I agreed to give a talk/workshop at a conference over six months ago, thinking it was going to be an average classroom-size (20-30 people?). I find out yesterday that, now that the conference is two weeks away, 100 people have registered! I was planning on giving a little talk, but really opening it up for discussion. That seems unruly in a lecture of 100 people, so I kind of have to fill out my script AND get over my stage fright AND guaranteed jet lag. What public speaking tips do all of you have, especially the teachers among you???? How do you connect with such a large room & not freeze up! I hate public speaking!
Also, I’m going to be in Madison in two weeks!! Any Wisconsin Toasties with recommendations on what to do?
Formerly Madison Toastie deeply envying your visit, here.
There is a great free zoo in town, if you like that sort of thing. (Henry Vilas Zoo) Also lots of free art museums. The Olbrich botanical garden, the Arboretum.
I assume you will be on the UW campus? The lakefront terrace (Memorial Union) will be open and wonderful.
Foods: The Old Fashioned, Paul’s Pelmeni, the Tipsy Cow, and Buraka (not exactly downtown, but not too far) and all places I crave when I am away.
ooohh! This is all good stuff! I agreed to go in the first place because I care deeply about dairy, and I was thinking raw cheeses, but ICE CREAM sounds super legit. I literally plan all of my travel around food. I’m staying at the Madison Concourse, which is where the conference is–I have no sense of where that is in relation to campus. All of my commitments are over by 5 p.m., so I know I’ll have evenings to myself for exploration!
Cheese: Fromagination on the Capitol Square
And, the Madison Concourse Hotel is by the Capitol Square. The campus is at the other end of the semi-pedestrian (no regular traffic, but buses and delivery stuff) mall which is State Street. You are in the perfect spot to get to a lot of good things.
Sooooo RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the Concourse is Teddywedger’s, do yourself a favor and buy a gigantic pasty at least once, they are delicious and will last probably two meals. They also do breakfast ones. You’re also pretty much right next to Michelangelo’s, which is a v. wonderful little coffee shop that makes fantastic iced coffee, or there’s an Ancora halfway across the Capitol Square where you can get a white zombie latte, which I highly recommend.
(The Concourse is where I go to WisCon every year, so I have SO MANY food recommendations.)
FELLOW WISCON TOASTIE!!!
I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE MORE THAN ONE OF US! We should meet up for lunch/dinner sometime (if you’ll be there this year) y/y?
I will be there! Yes we should. I imagine there are other WisCon Toasties. There has to be. Right?
Fancy dinner on the Square – Graze! So good!
Fair warning, Buraka no longer has a restaurant, but I believe their food cart still sets up outside Memorial Library on campus.
(Me, bitter? Nooooo.)
Do stop and get some Chocolate Shop ice cream. I’m partial to Zanzibar Chocolate.
No! This is no longer true! They just re-opened where Jolly Bob’s used to be, on Willy Street. I am OVER THE MOON.
MY BEST FRIEND’S AUNT LIVES A BLOCK AWAY FROM THERE, WHY DID SHE NOT TELL ME THIS WHEN I WAS UP LAST WEEKEND.
The Terrace is wonderful! But it is currently under construction, so large chunks of it are closed/inaccessible/not as cool as it normally is. But it’s going to be so pretty when it’s done!
And ice cream. Babcock Hall stuff if you are on campus.
this is awesome! you will be great at it!
when i did a lot of public speaking i looked at people’s heads a lot. i think looking them in the eye is an advanced-level skill and most people won’t even notice if you don’t do it.
also your friend: “hey, that’s a really good question! i think it’s a complex issue with a lot of different facets to it. would anyone in the room like to respond to that?”
they’re just individual people you are having a little conversation with, the room is rooting for you, you are gonna do great. good luck!
You do not have to make eye contact with everyone in the room, but do make sure that you look around the room so that you’re not staring at the same person or your notes the whole time.
I have a lot of experience as a tour guide where basically the only “notes” I had were the visuals I was discussing, so I actually prefer not to speak from notes (though I will use powerpoints and/or other visuals that I am discussing). If you are going to use notes, make them bullet points of things you want to remember to cover, not an actual script that you will read verbatim (unless you’re really good at writing scripts that sound polished and also natural).
You CAN do a Q&A with that many people, but it’s less of a group discussion and it’s very helpful if you have someone who can help manage the crowd a bit.
Practice your talk – out loud, in the mirror, walking around the kitchen, in your hotel room – muttering and at full pitch.
Practicing delivery is the best way I know to calm speaking nerves. (preacher experience)
You’ll be great! How exciting! How lucky that they get to hear your thoughts!
Good things:
– I’m going to Montreal this weekend to spend quality time with my Tiny Nephew and some of my best friends 😀
– Blood tests show my thyroid is normal, but I have a B12 deficiency, so I’ve started taking supplements for that and I’m looking forward to potential improvements in my energy and irritability levels.
– We’re moving next week! Really looking forward to floor-to-ceiling windows, a kitchen with counter space, appliances that aren’t older than I am and a sink that doesn’t constantly drip, air-conditioning and an extra bathroom.
– My work contract was extended for another year. I hate this job, but hey, I can’t complain about remaining gainfully employed while I look for another one. (I’m still waiting to hear back about that job I interviewed for in February! I know they called my references, but government hiring always takes a painfully long time and it doesn’t help that my current manager took 2 weeks to respond to their request for a reference…)
I just want to add an addendum to the LR thread on raising progressive sons – last week I was playing Life (ugh, not a fan, this was not at our house) with my 6-year-old, and when it came time for his piece to get married in the game, he chose a pink peg. I said “okay, you’re marrying a girl,” to which he immediately replied, “No, I’m marrying a pink boy.” I think this means I’m killing it as a mom?
Yes.
Yes, you are.
That is the most beautiful story I’ve heard all day.
YAYYYYYYY *confetti* (the confetti comes in all colors)
I love this so hard.
Fwiw my friends and I always played Life with same sex couples, made it more fun to us.
Definitely killing it!
I got a part time RN position at my dream job! I’ll be working at a reproductive health clinic primarily providing nursing care to abortion clients and I could not be more excited!!! Ahhhhhhhhh
***lots and lots and lots of confetti***
welcome to team abortion, it is my favorite team to be on!
Hooray! What fantastic news for you and for all the women you’ll be caring for!
Great news! Thank you for doing this important work!!
Hooray! Congratulations, and also THANK YOU!
No more dating. No mooooooooooore.
That is all.
Would you like an AMEN?
Or, if you prefer the secular version, a RAMEN?
Or (if you swing this way) NO MEN?
I mean I don’t have horror story to go along with it and I haven’t been dating but yeah, after 6 months on OKcupid and 1 message and literally half a dozen people willing to admit they’ve even visited my profile I am declaring that experiment officially done.
Ugh similar problems here.
Sometimes I try to be proactive and email first and more times than not it goes ignored!
WTF OKCupid people.
Tinder is a little better….but it’s also filled with people who just write “hey” or “sup” which drives me up a fucking wall.
I deleted all the online dating apps and profiles and it feels pretty good. I was so sick of playing the game of judging real people in a quick shallow way. Plus my recent ex who hurt me emotionally was one of the first people to come up on that bumble one. That was annoying. Also, I would get dates and they’d go fairly well and then there’s an ambivalence because it was just a hookup to them apparently and I’m not a fan of frivolous sex. I care about people even if I just met them. Anyway. I’m resigned to be lonely and recalibrate my romantic expectations down to zero. I am convinced that this will make me more attractive to the type of woman who will find me and sweep me off my feet in a few months. hahaha but really I’m done trying to make things work with people who are not good for me.
but really I’m done trying to make things work with people who are not good for me
THIS. This is why I’m done. I’m tired of being convenient or a conquest or a replacement. The next time somebody holds me, I want it to be because they’re excited about me, dammit.
This is a completely reasonable thing to hold out for.
My aspirational summer activity: I want to pack a tiny pup tent and sundry supplies on the back of my bike, take the Metra out into the country, and then bike to a state park for a weekend of solo camping. I have the location picked out already, and most of the supplies; I just need the tent.
I first read this as “I want to pack a tiny pup…on the back of my bike” without the “tent” part and thought, well that sounds pretty perfect to me.
Does anyone want to talk about hormones?
Ugh.
Below the jump!
I have been on the pill since I was 13 because of evil doom periods – combined from 13-16, pop from 16-21. I had a horror story three month period at the end of last year and switched from Cerazette to Micronor/norethisterone in January, since then I’ve been having regular monthly “periods”. I’ve also gained weight, started having migraines, and my anxiety/depression has gotten so much worse.
SO! This week I’ve decided to come off BC for a couple of months and basically see what happens? Because maybe I’ll be able to handle periods better this time, and I need to know what my brain is like when I’m not on the pill. But mainly because my GP is fucking useless.
The plan is to see what happens, then maybe go to a gyno for a proper discussion of options (implant? coil? who knows!!). I don’t need contraceptives right now so that’s fine.
Am I being an idiot? Who’s done this? Will it be awful? Aren’t periods the worst?
i don’t have the same experience as you BUT i have been researching pill alternatives and what’s come up a few times is using a hormonal iud (mirena or skyla) to lighten periods—mirena, in particular (it has a higher hormone dose than skyla, but overall they have lighter doses of hormones than pills, patches, shots, implants because the hormone is absorbed directly into the uterus rather than through the digestive system or bloodstream) can help some women get rid of their periods entirely.
My old gyno suggested a mirena iud might be good for me once I was sexually active, but I never really understood why that was necessary? If I do decide to go back on some kind of hormone thing, that’s definitely my first choice
that’s bizarre—it really should have nothing to do with whether you’re sexually active or not? a uterus is a uterus!
I was very young at the time, 14 or 15, so possibly she just meant “when you’re older”? But it has confused me a lot
I have a mirena, it’s pretty great. I have no periods, and I’ve had very little side effects except for extra unsightly chin hairs- although for some reason if I have heaps of dairy I get hormonal migraines/anxiety which I didn’t pre-Mirena. So I just avoid that and it’s fine?? Bodies are weird
Periods are The Worst. I haven’t been on birth control for awhile, so mine have been very terrible. What has helped, if only psychologically, is to be very indulgent in self-care. Current tools include: menstrual cup, Thinx, hot water bottle that has its own cute little sweater, electric blanket, baths with fancy salts, period app on my phone for tracking. Sometimes I proactively schedule a massage for the week where my PMS/PMDD is the worst, so I have something to look forward to.
I realized this list does not include my very enormous bottle of Advil. Which was an oversight.
I am braced for the worst. My periods were always super regular which is something, and I’ve gotten pretty good at self care since I last had them. I use a cup too, and I’m definitely getting myself some thinx. And my aunt posts me super painkillers from Australia that sometimes make me feel like I’m floating but they’re the best. Love and solidarity to you!
As an Old who had terrible periods back in the day, then somewhat less terrible periods later in life, you might find that it’s gotten better. You might also get some psychological or libido benefits from going off the hormones. Many people do.
I won’t tell you to have a kid because it resets everything. It does, but you don’t know what you’ll get. (I got lesser cramps, plus day 2 horror bleeds with days 1 and 3-5 minimal).
Good luck! I am currently thinking about doing this (have been on the combined pill since about 19, plus one year from 17 to 18; I’m now 26). My periods as a teenager were very heavy and extremely irregular, and I like knowing when they’ll come and being able to control it somewhat. Plus I have a boyfriend and definitely do not want children. But I have depression, and am more overweight than I’d like, and I would like to see if not being on the pill helps with either of those things (also, I am very scared of blood clots). I’m considering the copper coil and going hormone-free, but the pain of insertion and the fact that it can make periods heavier puts me off the idea. And my periods when I was younger were such a pain.
I switched to a mini pill because my 16 year old cousin had a pulmonary embolism and I freaked out about blood clots… Maybe that’s an option for you?
Thanks! I’m feeling kind of weird about the whole thing because I’ve been so evangelically “pills for all, nobody should have periods unless they want to” for the last few years and now I’m… Not sure. I still LOVE free birth control and will continue to recommend it (because seriously only have periods if you want to) but maybe it’s just not right for me at the moment? And I was super happy on it for about six years. Is that too hypocritical?
I might have a look into the mini pill. Whenever my GP has checked my blood pressure they’ve always been fine with it; I just find clots so scary because a family friend died as a result of DVT (not pill-induced) when I was a child. What I’m on at the moment does seem to work fine for me, but it would be good to see if there’s anything that would suit me better; I’ve only ever tried the one type.
I don’t think it’s hypocritical! Stuff changes, and what’s best for you at one time might not be best at another. Free contraception is great, and I think the pill is brilliant in a lot of ways (regular, planned, light periods! Not having to have something inserted through your cervix!), but it’s perfectly reasonable to want to try a different option.
Is anyone doing a monthly creative challenge like Blog Every Day in April or Vlog Every Day in April? I’m doing VEDA on my YouTube channel for the fourth time in seven years. It’s pretty amazing to have these snapshots of my life!
(My goodness, you folks are quick on this thread!)
HELLO TOASTIE MAKERS, what did you make this week?
5,000 words of incredibly shameless Daredevil fanfic. You will trip Karen/Frank out of my cold, dead hands before I grow tired of this ship. It is so WEIRD to have a het ship but here I am!
I will go down with that ship, definitely.
The houpplande I have been working on failed it’s test, and now must be remade of sterner stuff.
Yesterday just sucked.
I have a baby quilt almost finished! There only half of 1 side of binding to sew down, so an hour max. This is the quilt I ended up piecing the back and somehow I like the back more than the front! What have you been making??
I made a jewelry box that came out quite nice and two food bowls for my friends’ cats. One came out really adorably (so I engraved their names on the inside and then made a little kitty face to stick on the outside of the bowl). The idea was to have the kitty face match their faces, and one of them came out excellently and the other one…the face kind of melted off and somehow turned green (???) when it was being fired and looks like it needs an exorcism (SORRY ELLA). So I will have to definitely re-do that one.
Demon kitty! That sounds great.
I finished a Black Canary corset for a friend, made 3 lanyards out of nerdy fabric, and started pants for another friends cosplay for ECCC next week. Next. Week. I need some calming breathing excercises I think. Also lots of lists of what I still need to finish…
I started knitting a baby blanket for my awesome guitar teacher and his wife and their impending baby! Now I just have to knit like a demon to finish it in time for the baby shower O_O
A very tasty cake! And I started knitting a pair of gansey socks.
A poem and the first of many handkerchiefs. (I couldn’t find affordable handkerchiefs or bandanas, so I got a cheap woven scarf with a pattern I like from Goodwill and am using it for fabric.
Professor Toasties: Have those of you who teach undergrad and/or grad students noticed a sharp decline in their executive skills and ability to think critically? This school year has been startling for me, in terms of what kinds of reading, writing, and problem-solving abilities my students (2nd and 3rd year law students) bring to the table. I’m trying to meet them where they are, and am reconfiguring my own expectations and teaching goals in the process, but it’s become much harder to find the joy I once had in doing my job every day. Any suggestions or strategies (or commiseration) is warmly welcomed!
Based off nothing but my own experience, there are a lot of things that would have come in handy in college that my high school did not offer. I know my teachers must have thought I was stupid, but I really would have loved the opportunity to learn and flex my skills, instead of desperately playing catch-up. Here’s a few ways my HS experience killed my college experience:
-HS Biology was powerpoint, cheating on the standardized test, and hearing about the Cool Young bio teacher’s messy divorce. For 4 years. I didn’t know what I didn’t know to even take the college Intro to Biology course.
-Accelerated Reading at school was a sign that you were all done with your work, in a kind of snotty way, and you need to put your book down and tutor other students.
-From kindergarten onwards “Just skip the Critical Thinking”.
-No study skills because everyone got passed so the school could get more money so studying was literally time wasted.
-Class was disrupted by people passed along so we never got to the end of the book, never studied space or trig or anatomy and physiology, just the same cells and timetables, so there was no point skipping a grade if you were unchallenged.
-Classes for slow kids = coloring maps, getting yelled at. Classes for bright kids = didn’t exist.
-No one seemed to read the assigned essays and marked them for length rather than content.
I’m not gonna make a master post of public school failings, but just please remember the kids did not have control over their education and were more than likely ill-prepared for college, even if despite 12 years of BS they did truly want to learn.
Pretend you’re their first good teacher.
Professor husband says he finds there’s an unwillingness to engage in independent higher-order thinking. He attributes some of this to complete dependence on team-based homework, tests, projects…everything. No one wants to take responsibility for what they think.
Sigh… birth control. Any advice/opinions? Like I know this is my body and I have to make the ultimate decision but words of experience and advice will be welcome for me to consider.
Wrote it all out and it’s a bit long, so I’ve put it in a reply. Thanks in advance for advice!
I’m now on my third type of pill. The first made me a bit tired (though at the time I put it down to moving house and lots of stuff happening at once) and gave me spots. The second gave me pretty bad permanent headaches and was bad for my stamina. The third, which I’m on now, seems to be also terrible for my stamina — I have to have like 10 hours sleep to not feel tired — and gives me occasional headaches and (probably because of these things) it has an absolutely disastrous effect on my motivation and efficiency in working. (Quite important as I’m basically freelance at the moment so I need to be self-motivated.)
The standard medical advice suggests that you should take the pill for 3 months to let your body adjust before deciding it isn’t working. . I’m thinking I can’t put myself through being this depressingly useless for another 2 months. Like I would be much more willing to give it time hadn’t been that I’ve been on pills that have been disruptive to my health for months before this. At the same time, I much prefer being on the pill because it fixes how (1) my periods are generally pretty unpredictable, (2) bad PMT (3) terrible stomach cramps for a day or two, and (4) prefer not using a condom during sex.
Not sure what I should do now. I am considering a copper IUD though I’m a bit wary of this due to (a) don’t really like the idea of making my womb too toxic with copper to support life (sorry bit overdramatic in expression but…), (b) apparently often women get heavier/more painful periods and that was one of the big reasons I liked being on the pill, (c) the IUD can cause pain after insertion from anywhere between a couple of days to several weeks. Because of the latter, if I want to get it down, I should get it done ASAP since I’m starting an important new job in September and going travelling in June.
But not sure what to do… maybe I should just give up on contraception besides a condom? It’s just that considering right now until Sept I have an unimportant, undemanding jobs I do from home, it would be a good time to get used to new contraception. Realistically since I’m going into academia, I’m going to be getting a different job every year or couple of years for a while and having to work really hard to prove myself so there won’t be a better more stable time for me to start experimenting with my body.
first off, sorry you’re having such bad luck with the pill!! That’s super frustrating. My roommate reacts very strongly to any hormones, and she got the copper IUD and she likes it, although she said there is a lot of bleeding when it’s first put in. I would also actually talk to your doctor about nuvaring though, my other friend who has a lot of issues with hormones and blood issues (she bleeds too much) uses it and really likes it. You can skip your period with it and it has less hormones than the pill. You have to change it once (or twice?) a month and take it out before intercourse (not an expert tho!! don’t take my word), but that friend had a lot of issues with birth control as well and highly recommends it. Something to think about since I think a lot of people forget its an option!
don’t take the ring out before intercourse DON’T DO IT
Leave it in, neither of you can feel it. Then just check the sheets/towel/counter/table/tub/wherever afterward to make sure it didn’t fall out.
Yeah I hadn’t really considered that one — thanks! And even better if I shouldn’t take it out during sex as I don’t think that would really be practical for me.
+1 billion to The Ring. I don’t skip periods with it, so it’s a normal 21 days on / 7 days off cycle. But it’s been a dependable, no-stress, no-maintenance standby for about 5 years now (after a totally awful experience with a hormonal IUD in the middle). I’ve never tried pills and you might want to ensure the hormone mix in the NuvaRing isn’t one you’ve already tried in pill form, but talk to a doctor.
I also use the nuvaring, and it seems to have way less effect on me than pills did, I think because of the more even hormone release. It’s nice to not have to remember to take a pill, and you only change it once a month. It did lighten my periods even more than the pill (to the point where I bought a pregnancy test the first time I removed one because it took a couple days to start after the first month, and then was really light). I use the past tense because I’ve been avoiding periods entirely for the past two years or so. According to my gynecologist, it’s “not recommended, because we don’t really know how the hormones will affect you outside of intended use, but probably not dangerous.” So that’s also an option.
And yeah, you don’t need to take it out during sex. It’s really not noticeable.
You could consider a hormonal IUD (Mirena or Skyla). They use a way lower dose of hormones than BCPs because they’re delivering it directly to your reproductive organs, instead of having it percolate through your whole digestive/circulatory system. I’ve used hormonal IUDs for the past decade, after having briefly tried BCPs and been unhappy with the side effects. My periods have stopped almost entirely, which is the best part IMO, besides the whole “virtually immune to pregnancy” thing.
Thanks for the info! I didn’t realise that hormonal IUDs use much lower doses so I hadn’t been considering them.
I have a Mirena and I love it. I didn’t tolerate oral BC well and now it’s been about a year and a half with the IUD and I feel like a fucking commercial for it.
I have that diva cup reflex only it’s for my IUD – “have you heard about…”
Another vote for the Mirena. Mine had been so great, both for cramps and hormonal migraines. And also for not having babies.
Seconding this — we had very similar difficulties with pills, including some which actually gave us clinical depression. Mirena has been a dream come true, it did hurt for a few minutes when it went in, we had a few weeks of spotting, but it’s now been 3 years and no side effects, very occasional super-light periods. Highly highly reccomended!
It’s like 1/20th the dose of the mini pill. Definitely good to consider! there are plenty of online tools that can help you evaluate your choices too, like this one- http://www.fpa.org.uk/contraception-help/my-contr…
Ooh that looks really useful thanks!
I love my Mirena so much. No periods for 4 years now and none of the side effects I got on oral contraceptives (depressed libido+ dark blotches on my face)
Ditto all of this. I’ve had a Mirena for about a year, have had no bad side effects (minus mild cramps for two days post-insertion), and my periods stopped completely after three months. I love it.
Mirena forever! Varieties of the pill made me feel neutered but no issues with Mirena.
If you want to talk details about birth control with a birth-control professional, you can email me at gmail where I am askelade11
Thank you — that’s so kind. Toasties are the best! At the moment, I don’t have much info to add beyond what I put up there so far but I will keep your offer in mind if I have more things to take into consideration and I feel I need more professional advice. Thank you ever so much!
I have a copper IUD and it’s great and wonderful. I can’t do hormonal BC because I have a “female pain condition” and those tend to be exacerbated by hormones.
Insertion was no picnic, but it wasn’t terrible. I am fairly relaxed about physical, medical type stuff and also have a reasonably high pain tolerance. My cramps are more pronounced now, but they were relatively mild to start with so I take painkillers if they’re really annoying. I didn’t have a problem at all with initial pain.
Apparently, if you tolerate hormones better than I do the hormonal IUD is often a good option? It delivers a smaller dose directly where it’s needed so side effects aren’t as common. Also it stops your period/cramps like any other hormonal method.
Thanks for your opinion on the copper IUD! Yeah a couple of women I know use it and despite both of them having (unlike you) pretty bad initial pain, they seem also very pro it so I’m swaying that way.
I’ve been very happy with my copper IUD, too. I can’t give you much info on insertion, because I had two kids before getting mine, and that means your cervix is pretty ‘whatever’ about stuff. But I will say I had pretty heavy and crampy periods, historically, and the IUD has not worsened them at all. For me, I didn’t do well with my mood on multiple pills or Nuvaring, and I’ve learned that if I’m not ovulating, my sex drive goes to zilch — so I didn’t want anything that would disrupt my ovulatory cycle. May or may not be a consideration for you.
I’ve had every terrible experience with every pill & very similar reasons to you. I too asked my doctor about the copper IUD. Because of my terrible cramps, she strongly advised against copper & to go with Mirena. The hormone levels are so so so much lower than any pill on the market, and it doesn’t go through your entire bloodstream orally but is localized. I’m 99% happier with Mirena than any other birth control I have ever used.
My personal drawbacks: I clearly had more pain & more severe reaction to the hormones when it was first inserted than anyone else I know on Mirena. It took a full year for intercourse to be as comfortable as it was pre-IUD, and I’d say my sex drive is lower. In stead of a real period, I get mood swings and spotting. I can logically tell myself when it’s “hormone feelings” and “real feelings”–on the pill, it was actually scary to not distinguish the two.
Best: Reliable, less bleeding/save a lot of money on tampons, no daily pill/mostly don’t know it’s there/don’t have to think about it, cramps are practically gone, I feel less crazy. The last two were really important to me & was my birth control priority.
Thanks so much — wow cramps almost gone sounds amazing! But yeah thanks for the heads up about ‘hormone feelings’. That’s good to know.
For a time in my 20s, I used a diaphragm and then a cervical cap. Preferred the latter because it can stay in longer. Would give both methods thumbs up, although I think they are slightly less effective than hormonal birth control.
Have you tried, or had the option to try, the Nuvaring?
I had similar problems a few years ago. I ended up on the Nuva Ring, which I loveloveloveloved… Until my dr. took me off it. He said I’m at too high a risk of stroke to be on any hormonal supplements, so it was back to condoms. Cervical cap and diaphragm are okay, but less effective.
I have the arm implant and so far it’s working out great. It has hormones but I think a fairly low dose?
My sister has the copper IUD and loves it.
I just had my iud removed which was really devastating. I gained 50 lbs in about 8 months with the Mirena iud. It was nice not having periods or having to worry about a daily pill but now I’m so angry and resentful, I don’t recognize my body anymore.
Hello Toasts!
Update on breakup of long-term relationship, if you’re interested, in the reply.
Bex (new nickname for recent ex, because portmanteaux are awesome) came to Easter services with me every year during the 11.5 years we were together, even though he is atheist, because he knew that for me, Easter is a family day, and he was what I had of family where I live.
I didn’t ask him to come this year, and he didn’t come. He is not family anymore.
I realized earlier this week that a number of the things I kept trying to work through with him– what happened, how I felt about it, why I wanted an apology– were things that a betrayed spouse going through an affair recovery program would need to work through. They were things that aimed at making reconciliation possible.
Even though Bex said, the day of the breakup, “Maybe once I’m through all the grieving and guilt, and all the dating I didn’t do when I was younger and single, I’ll discover that I can’t handle polyamory and you are actually the person I want to be with,” I don’t think it’s wise for me to aim toward reconciliation. I don’t think it’s wise for me to wait around for him to work through a midlife crisis, hoping that he’ll discover that a monogamous relationship with me is actually pretty appealing, even if I feel that he has done some things to encourage that hope.
I’ve cried a lot recently about how disrespectful I was of my own preferences, abilities, interests, and well-being, in an effort to stay in relationship with him.
I have deleted his text messages. I have moved all his e-mails into a folder labeled “triggering.” I have unsubscribed from mailing lists I joined in an attempt to stay with him once he started crushing on, pursuing, and dating other people. I deleted all the stuff I’d found for him about “How to write a dating profile when you are male and attached,” in the hopes that if I were sufficiently helpful, he’d want to be with me. I am not in contact with him as of a couple of days ago.
He asked how long I thought I’d want our no contact period to last. I answered, “Until I feel like I no longer *need* to be in contact with you, and until I no longer care how (or whether) you respond to anything I have to say.”
It was sad for both of us. He’s been counting on remaining dear friends– we’ve known each other since childhood, and we’ve been close since high school. I’ve been counting on that, too.
But– just as him being in ongoing relationships with other people while saying that he wanted to be with me resulted in me feeling betrayed on an ongoing basis, being in contact with him has resulted in me feeling on an ongoing basis like the problem in our relationship was a problem in me: That I wasn’t open-minded enough to handle him having other partners, when that wasn’t the initial basis of our relationship and didn’t appeal to me. Or that I was possessive. Or that my childhood trauma meant I had a level of abandonment fear that meant no one would want to be with me. Or that I wanted a level of time and attention that no one could offer. Or that I wasn’t flexible enough to let go of what I wanted and be happy in a situation that wasn’t ideal for me. Or that I wasn’t sufficiently good, giving, and game– because clearly, he didn’t have any difficulty finding other people to date who were happy with what he could offer.
I think being in contact both encouraged me to be hopeful in a way that’s unwarranted and encouraged me to disparage and pathologize my own wants. As much as it hurts to be out of contact now– and at the moment, it’s pretty awful– I want to stop feeling like there’s something wrong with me, and I think this is a necessary step.
It sounds like you are making some really amazingly brave and difficult decisions in pursuit of caring for yourself. So much admiration and respect for you – and there is nothing wrong with you or with what you want from your life and relationships. Nothing at all.
Oh, friend. Look, being poly isn’t *better* than being monogamous. It’s not more evolved, it’s not cooler. Monogamy isn’t only for stupid, broken, possessive people who don’t have any meaningful relationships outside of their romantic partner.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting monogamy, anymore than there is anything wrong with him for wanting polyamory. The two of you didn’t have the same vision of your relationship. Which doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with you. There isn’t anything a little bit wrong with you. You tried to adjust your relationship, you tried to make compromises, and nothing was able to bridge the gap. That makes you a hero.
Thank you! I (mostly) know those things, at least intellectually, but I was forgetting them (doubting them?) when I was around Bex / in conversation with him.
It is 100% awesome and cool and okay to be monogamous.
I wish this was better respected by everyone from people who cynically think it’s “unrealistic” to poly lifestylers to plain old “smash all norms” punkers.
You are totally okay and not immature, selfish, or possessive or whatever. You did a really good thing ending this relationship and it sounds like you’re starting to take great care of your boundaries.
It’s so normal to hope that the other person will wake up and see what you wanted is achievable, if they’d just try. Or to blame yourself for not being the kind of person they want to try with.
But now that you are closing that door, you might find that there’s a lot more room in your life to be who you want to be, without apology. I am a big fan of the “6 month dating recovery hiatus” which I recommend to anyone heartsick from relationships OR dating. There’s really just one rule which is “don’t look for 6 months”. If someone comes up and says, “hi can I buy you a drink?” you can choose to go with it, but overall, I think the point is to tell yourself you are going to be single by choice for a good chunk of time and see what happens if you really roll with that. If you fail, oh well, too bad you fell in love, but otherwise, it just opens the world up to consider who you are as a stand-alone human. Gives you time to regrow yourself.
I generally opt for a “not until I’m over the last person” hiatus. Where the person I dated off and on for three years in college (previously the longest in duration) was concerned, that was a four year hiatus. In retrospect, it didn’t help that, when I said things like, “Please don’t hug me every time you see me. You broke up with me, and I feel messed with,” College Ex responding with some bullshit like, “I do this with all my friends. [LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.] I don’t know if I can be friends with someone who wants me to act in a way that is inauthentic for me.”
At least Bex isn’t fighting me about going no contact and has been graceful about whatever boundaries I set prior to this. I appreciate that.
I’m skipping other folks’ replies because I had to, HAD TO, reply to this shit:
“Maybe once I’m through all the grieving and guilt, and all the dating I didn’t do when I was younger and single, I’ll discover that I can’t handle polyamory and you are actually the person I want to be with.”
Are you familiar with the term “cat butt face”? For when you just pucker your lips and frown super hard at something? That had me, a poly bi lady, making that face. Good poly partners don’t manipulate like this, and aren’t cruel like this. The problem wasn’t, was never, with you. He sounds, the more you write, like a selfish jerk, and I wish you had found out sooner, in less painful ways. Many good thoughts are going towards you right now.
Ethylbenzene, I had never heard of “cat butt face,” but that got the first wholehearted laugh out of me in about a week. I needed that. THANK YOU.
I had a great phone interview on Wednesday that is resulting in an in-person interview next week! So of course now I want to completely stop applying to other jobs. And last night I had an annoying dream about not getting this one. STUPID BRAIN.
Also I totally called it when I said that dyeing my hair a crazy color would probably result in a job interview. Now I just have to hope that turquoise hair doesn’t lose this one for me!
An exciting spring thing for my cats: a mourning dove is nesting near my window air conditioner. It is loud as fuck in the mornings, but the cats are incredibly entertained. An exciting spring thing for me: outdoor soccer starts up again tomorrow!
I have my first outdoor soccer game of the season tomorrow as well! Good luck!
I was watching Line of Duty last night alone at home (Mr Smee is on a work trip in Helsinki) when the mousetrap went off, cotching and deading a mouse, making me jump during a tense moment. I am 36 weeks pregnant and have the sensitive smells thing going on, plus squatting is not the easiest thing right now. So I had to deal with a dead mouse that stank of piss, and because I put approximately 50 plastic bags on my hands before squatting to scoop it up, it kept slipping out of my grasp and I had to squat for minutes, whilst sniffing dead mouse wee. It was terrible and I’d just like someone to internet hug me.
Remember a couple weeks ago when we were talking about birthing 17# babies?
My dear, if you can Handle The Mouse, you can do anything!!!! While you’re in labor you can think to yourself “I fucking handled the fucking shit out of that dead mouse problem, I can do this too!”
Also *hug hug hug*
You are right! Am sure dead pissy mouse is worse than labour – will update in c. 4 weeks.
Oh no! That definitely sounds deserving of internet hugs.
At least the fact that it was dead meant you didn’t have to deal with it biting you (a problem when you have cats who like to bring in live mice and then drop them. I’m trying to rescue you, mouse! Don’t bite me!).
If it makes you feel any better this story convinced me not to set a trap for the mouse my nearly 18-year-old cat refuses to even feign an interest in catching.
Blarb, this week. On monday my family dog died– thank you all so much for all the kind words. I am feeling better, just sad. I still haven’t talked to my dad about it because I don’t think he wants to, but my mom says he is having a tough time and that worries me.
Work has been a nightmare this week, with one project blowing up in my face to the point that higher-ups who I’m not even authorized to email directly were personally sending ME angry emails.
And I just got a surprise two-week business trip sprung on me. Finding out you have to get on a plane in 3 days is bad enough; but to top it off I am going to Flint, MI. Woohoo?
Anyway, I plan to drink heavily this weekend. Anybody have any word on Michigan beers/ snacks/ etc. that should look out for next week?
Better Made chips and Faygo Rock n Rye. Bumpy cake for dessert.
I second longlostlullaby and amphora. My fav brewers are probably Jolly Pumpkin and Founders. But yes, all the michigan beer. It doesn’t look like the weather will be nice while you’re in michigan but if it does get a Bell’s Oberon.
Another rec for Bell’s Oberon!
hello I grew up in Michigan! I loooove Vernor’s ginger ale which is sometimes hard to find elsewhere. For beers, Bell’s and Founders, which other people have mentioned! A lot of people like Caribou Coffee but it’s a little sweet for me, though the actual stores are adorable and have local music nights and things.
I haven’t spent much time in Flint , but I love Detroit, Lansing and Ann Arbor, which are all about an hour’s drive from Flint — plenty of great museums/restaurants/concert venues/bookstores/etc. in those cities if you have any free time!
Bell’s, Founder’s, Short’s. I’ve never hung out much in Flint but I think there are some new places around UM-FLINT downtown.
Good morning Toasties, I am in Denver for a bachelor party! (These gummies have not quite kicked in yet, but sooooooonnnnn, this city is wonderful.)
if you’re into old school video games, hit up 1up!
Guys
Guys
I’m cutting off all my hair today and I just found out that my hairstylist has apparently done Tegan and Sara’s hair while on tour with them.
!!!
Woohoo hair cut, and SUPER EXCITING re: Tegan and Sara! You’re in good hands, for sure. 🙂
(I cut 9 inches off last week and I feel RAD. Big hair cuts are the best.)
Congrats on your cut!! I’m so excited and ready to get rid of all this length (although yesterday an eighty year old man drove by me on a scooter, said “Pretty hair,” and rode away).
WHAT. Amazing!
Can I go to your hairstylist??
Cutting hair off is always so great. Have fun.
Also: my husband is getting posted this summer but we still don’t know when or where. So my situation is basically “I am moving! Soon! And it will be fast! But I can’t plan anything more than that!” So basically I’m obsessing over making my house look beautiful so it sells at the drop of a hat.
Also I’m planning on how in the next move I will really truly make friends this time. For reals! Third time is the charm!
OMG talk to me about this. We’ve lived in four states in the past six years, and my friend-making has been … okay in some, terrible in others. Why is it so hard? How do we do this?
(We’re also planning an abrupt–like within three weeks–move, but thankfully this time around we have an apartment not a house, and we still haven’t finished unpacking from last time. Yay for procrastination.)
I feel like for me the answer is “leave your house every now and then” because I only ever go to work, and when I do attempt to do social things they are disastrous. But maybe I should try to be less shy? And Do Stuff.
With my most recent paycheck I’ve officially hit my savings goal that I gave myself when I started my job in the fall!! Now I can move into a new apartment without bankrupting myself! And take trips this summer to see my long distance pals!! Hurray!
That gif is my aspirational life goal.
Ha. I was going to respond to say the same thing. Possibly the best gif I’ve seen that doesn’t involved Hiddleston ass.
I am still recovering from Easter weekend. (So. Much. Food.) But the best thing about the weekend was the fact that my grandparents apparently celebrated it by taking my cousins to see their recently arrived headstones. (They are none of them dead yet, fyi.) And then they felt the need to document the occasion with photos and pass them on. I remember my great-grandfather doing the same thing when I was little and taking us all up to the cemetery to see his new plot. We then discussed exactly which way he’d be oriented and maybe he should reconsider cause if he faced the other way he might have a better view. …I’m not sure this is normal festive behavior in most families.
But my grandmother has a stack of books carved on her personal stone and I thought that would be Toastie approved. (Also the massive dog floof quietly meditating on the fleeting nature of life.)
(I’m currently planning mine. Winged skulls and creepy poems. Imma bring them back in vogue.)
Did they dance on their graves? I really hope they did. And if not, it’s worth a trip back.
I was reliably informed that there was a brief waltz that took place.
Love this.
When my parents were young newlyweds, someone from a local cemetery cold-called them to see if they’d be interested in buying their plots pre-need. My dad asked, if he got all his friends to buy plots too, and they all bought plots adjacent to each other’s, could they, like, get together on the weekend and picnic on all the plots? Set up a volleyball net? (Cold-call cemetery guy hung up.)
I like your dad. You could rent him out to take sales calls for other people. He’d be providing a relief service and entertainment simultaneously.
I’m late so I don’t know if anyone will see this but I know making introductory posts to delurk is a thing so here is my attempt!
Tell us more! No one will bite. What was your favorite moment in Mad Max and why was it the part where Nux whispers “witness me”?
I haven’t seen it yet tbh, it’s not available on any of my streaming services & I feel bad about pirating
It’s on HBO Now if you want an excuse to do the free trial.
::dies a little remembering that part::
*waves* hello! I’m fairly new here, too, and mostly lurk around.
Same and same! Hello to you both 🙂
ALSO! From this week’s adventures in bartending:
So there is this publication/speaking series/Instagram thing in my city that says that it shows off the city through the eyes of the people in it. Great idea! Except it’s overwhelmingly white, and any time the founder is asked about that he basically says, “Targeted marketing is gross and I won’t do that, if minorities want to be represented they should know that this is happening and reach out to me!” So, yeah, I have FEELINGS about this.
Well, guess who is a regular at my bar? I want to lay into him every single time I see his obnoxious face. Thank goodness I’m only at the bar another week or two and then I can say whatever I want – right now, it wouldn’t just be my tips that would suffer since we pool tips. When I’m just a customer…*taps fingers like Mr. Burns*
I shall stop complaining about pregnancy because I had my kid last Saturday! They’re healthy, I’m on the mend, and everyone needs more sleep.
Congratlations!
Yay! Congratulations!
Yay!!! Congratulations to all!
Hooray! I wish you much enjoyment of each other.
Way to go! Sleep tight!
Congratulations!!!
yay baby!
Congrats! The first few weeks are the hardest and then it gets better. I wish you a chill baby who really likes to sleep.
Gems from my amusing boyfriend, who is so French that I once had to remove a baguette from his hands in order to kiss him.
Me: …so the spin doctor—
Him: What is a spin doctor?
Me: It’s a publicist who presents events in a(usually rather dishonest way so that it’s advantageous for a political party.
Him: Oh. I thought it was maybe a DJ.
I got up to change the duvet to a lighter one as it was warm. He asked if I needed any help. I said no but then after a while I said ‘Actually I do need help now’, for which the French requires the expression ‘j’ai besoin d’aide’, literally ‘I have need of aid’. He said ‘ok’ and then settled himself in a more seductive position on the bed. (He was naked at this point.) I paused and looked at him quizzically.
“Oh” he said, “sorry I thought you meant visual aid.”
Omg this is amazing please share more
Haha thanks. He also genuinely asked me to clarify for him the differences in pronunciation between the words ‘heat’, ‘hit’ and ‘eat’, all of which he pronounces as ‘eet’. When I teased him about that the next day, he was a bit nettled and protested…
Him: I’m sure I can tell ze difference [pronounced différaunce] when I ‘ear eet!
Me: Oh, you can tell ze difference when you ear eet, can you? When you ear eet?
Cruel, but it would take a better woman than me to resist. And he occasionally teases me about my anglicisms in French, though unfortunately for him I do not have an endearingly hilarious accent.
Reminds me of a gem from a french friend of mine, while trying to sort out a new apartment: “I’m having problems with the eating system”.
I have only heard the term “spin doctor” in the name of the “Two Princes” music group! This is news to me as well!
I don’t know if it’s better known as a phrase in the UK maybe? I think it became well-known in UK in the Blair years due to Alastair Campbell, who was a notorious spin doctor.
Oooops I’m in love with your boyfriend now I guess
Frankly, I don’t blame you. 😉
He’s also ridiculously, devastatingly handsome and drives me round the beautiful French countryside on his motorbike…
Am I boasting? YES. YES I AM.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t mind some visual aid if the offer’s still open…
Omg the amazing French mangling is SO GOOD. My friend persistently wrote “still” as “steel” in emails to me and when I gently corrected him he said “no I’m doing eet as an homage to my fazer ‘oo work in steel fabrique”
Hello friends! I’m currently at AWP in Los Angeles. If any lovely writers are out there I’ll be happy for a chat! Our booth is 1058 and I have on a hot pink dress. I’ll be in and out all day but would love to meet some fellow toasties!
On another note my credit card is missing and I called the last bar I was at, which put me on hold for 15 min, and then never called me back once they promised to. So give me good vibes I won’t be stranded or starve while here.
Go see my amazing former colleague, Rachel Morgan! She’s representing the North American Review, and is a FANTASTIC poet.
I was going to submit this to Carolyn Hax but her advice hasn’t been doing it for me lately, so I thought I’d throw it out to a whole coven of agony aunts!
Basically my (wonderful) boyfriend does a thing that bums me out and I don’t know whether there’s anything I can or should do about it. What he does is he gets angry about tiny slights, particularly ones involving minor rudeness from strangers. When walking down the street and someone brushes his leg with a folded wet umbrella, he mutters “asshole” under his breath. The other day we were walking down a busy sidewalk and he indicated a guy who had just walked in front of us and said “That guy cuts me off and then gives ME a nasty look??” (I had not noticed any interaction between the two of them and I had been right next to him; this is not to say that it didn’t happen but that it was that subtle.) We were sitting in a crowded bar over the weekend and he stopped midsentence in the middle of a nice conversation to GLARE for a full twenty seconds at someone who had bumped against his back walking past and hadn’t said “excuse me.” That kind of thing. Every time something like this happens I get a massive stress-adrenaline spike. This is partly due to a moderately traumatic childhood growing up in a house of angrycrazy people, which he knows about. But also I think it’s OBJECTIVELY DUMB to get mad at basic facts of living in a city, which makes me wonder if I’m the asshole here. (For the record, he never ever gets angry at me, nor does he escalate things with the rude people; I just can’t deal with a lot of anger in general.)
Basically if someone said to me “Your feelings are irrational and your expressing them makes me uncomfortable, please stop,” that would not fly. So do I have grounds to say something to him about how this upsets me, or is that policing his emotional expression? And then what do I sayyyy?
I don’t have advice, but grew up in a family where this kind of anger was common and it still makes me super uncomfortable to experience it now. I don’t think you’re an asshole for not getting why someone who’s otherwise not super angry gets bent out of shape at regular, living in society kinds of inconveniences.
Maybe frame it as something that’s a “distraction” for you when you’re having nice times out with him? “Boo, I love it when we can have an evening at the bar together but when I lose your attention to [dumb thing], it distracts me from the fun time we’re having.”
Though I’ll be honest, I’ve told my partner “you’re ruining your own day!” more than once – but that’s normal and well-received within our dynamic.
I think you’re totally within your rights to not be happy about this and say something. It’s unpleasant being around somebody with so much unnecessary anger. While I believe it’s him being weird, not you, he’d probably be more inclined to change his ways if you depicted it as ‘it makes me feel stressed and sad because of my experiences so I’d really appreciate it if you modified your behaviour for me’ rather than ‘you are being weird and unreasonable, calm down for god’s sake’. Though really, as I said, I think it’s def his problem, not yours! But if we’re thinking effectiveness…
Hmm, can you try feeling it out in a neutral way? Next time you’re out and he has a reaction like that, ask him about it shortly after. “Did you call that guy an asshole earlier? What was that about?” Wait until your adrenaline spike subsides, of course. See how the conversation goes – maybe he’ll get sheepish about something he knows is a silly overreaction, maybe he’ll get defensive, who knows. Let him know it upsets you and see how he reacts to that. Another thing to consider – what if this never changes, is this something you can live with? Good luck, I know this is a lot easier said than done!
I second this! I think you should broach a conversation about it and see his response. Once you hear his reaction, you can tell him it stresses you out — that, in itself, is not a demand he change. He can decide what to do with that information.
I would also want to know how he feels in these moments. Is he truly full of rage, or does he maybe express mild irritation in an over-the-top way? If he’s full of rage, that’s no way to live and maybe he can work on that. If he’s expressing mild irritation in an over-the-top way, knowing that he’s not truly angry might help you feel less anxious about it, and being aware that he does it might help him tone it down. (Don’t get me wrong, this sounds incredibly unpleasant to be around and might be a deal-breaker for me if the guy wasn’t willing to chill.)
Yes, you definitely have grounds for this. You are not policing his *emotions* but you are asking him to change his *behaviour* because his behaviour is making you uncomfortable, and you are utterly within your rights to ask him to behave differently.
I have a lot of personal stuff about this because our partner also used to do this, and it turned out to be the tip of an iceberg of very narcissistic entitlement rage which he is (at long last) working on in therapy. I am not saying that is the case with your boyfriend! But… all those people bumping into him or glaring at him or whatever are not actually doing anything TO HIM, it is not some personal assault against him, it is just them on their own trajectory, and for him to react as though he is being personally attacked is pretty ridiculous.
I think what you say is something like: Sweetie, you know I love you and think the world of you,but it is *really hard for me* when someone bumps into you and you ragebomb. I understand that it makes you very angry but could you please… “fill in the blank here”
Fill in the blank with either the behaviours you’d like him to stop doing, or with behaviours you would like him to do instead. Keep it focused on /behaviour/ and don’t let him make it about policing feelings/emotions — not that he necessarily would, but if he does, say ‘It’s fine that you’re angry, but how you express your anger makes me feel really uncomfortable.’ Because that is true, and if he is wonderful boyfriend, he cares about your comfort.
*Is* telling him to change his behavior that much better than telling him to change his feelings, though? That’s how I’m struggling with, because I’ve literally had someone who ostensibly loves me say “can you go cry somewhere else, you’re bumming me out,” which was…terrible, even though theoretically they were only asking me to change my behavior because of how it was making them feel. (Different person and different story, to be clear.)
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks his behavior is ridiculous, though.
It’s OK to ask for what you want. You are requesting a change of his behavior. He can choose to comply or refuse. You’re just communicating what you want.
True, and I do have to remind myself that unlike some people I’ve known, he’s not going to fly off the handle if I ask for something.
Trauma is difficult.
Ooh, my husband used to do this, and it’s also standard behavior in both of our immediate families. I can’t stand it and was working hard to stop doing it myself when I met him. I think you’re absolutely okay to bring it up, because it is so draining to be around. It was an ongoing conversation with us for a while. I told him it was distressing me to see him get SO angry about seemingly small things, and he was surprised that it was coming across that way, and that seemed to prompt some self-examination on his part. So that might be a good place to start – how it makes YOU feel, as opposed to how his feelings are wrong (which I do get). Once the gates were open and he was receptive, we talked about giving the seemingly-rude person the benefit of the doubt when possible, because we all have bad days or do boneheaded things from time to time. And also about the idea that it’s not productive to carry around RAGE about these minor slights from strangers. But yeah, maybe lead with your feelings and see where it goes.
It’s standard behavior in both of our immediate families, too! Weird how that works huh.
This sounds awful and poisonous and I wouldn’t be able to be around it. 🙁 Also, in my experience, people given to angry outbursts don’t change, or if they do, it’s not because their gf helped them work on it.
Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I had a boyfriend who behaved like that, but at least we were both actual teenagers at the time. All the same, I learned that that behavior was NOT something I wanted to put up with ever again.
From what you described, it happens so frequently and you also have such a (justifiably) negative reaction to it — I don’t think it’s something you should keep putting up with. I want better for you. 🙁
This is a tough one. I see it both ways, because I can be the person who needs to vent about dumb stuff, and I can also be the person who says, “hey man, it’s just a line, I know he cut but don’t let it ruin our movie”. I would definitely be annoyed if someone bumped into me at the bar or hit me with a wet umbrella, and I can see turning to the person next to me to be like, “did you see that?! That twerp!” Sometimes you just need to be acknowledged or let it out. It’s really different to be like, “grumble grumble jerk” vs being pissed about it for the rest of the day, and it sounds borderline to me on if he is just reacting for a second or overreacting.
However, it upsets you and that seems like a reason to bring it up and hash it out. He might be pretty unphased by it, while to you it seems like toxic anger and ruins your night. So I think you could say something like, “sometimes you seem so angry at someone who does something pretty minor, and it always stresses me out. How mad are you when this stuff happens? Can we meet in the middle?” What would it feel like to you if he just stated what happened without any rudeness towards the other person? Like if someone bumped into me and he said, “that guy just elbowed my back!” Would you be sympathetic to that being annoying or would you be like, “so? so what?”
If I’m at a bar where people keep brushing into me, its so hard for me to have a nice time. Concerts are ruined for me when people hold up ipads and step on my toes. I don’t want these kinds of things to get to me, but they do, they reaaaaaally do. It always helps me cope when the person with me is like, “oh my god I know, what a jerk” instead of being like, “why are you letting it get to you”. Something about just being acknowledged in how I feel makes it easier- you feel like you have allies. Anyway, I think that’s what I’d look for for you both- for you to ally yourself with him a bit against all these strangers who whack people with wet umbrellas, and for him to tone it down, into merely, how annoying it is to be hit with an a umbrella, without hatred.
(I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ve spent so much time not being allowed to be mad that having a quick “ugh, asshole, let people OFF the train before you shove your way on!” moment feels healthier to me. I’m usually alone, but when I do have someone to eyeroll at it does feel less like it’s just going to get stuck inside me.)
and for him to tone it down, into merely, how annoying it is to be hit with an a umbrella, without hatred.
This, exactly. I’ll complain to a friend when someone does something stupid or annoying, but I don’t do it with RAGE. It’s the difference between ugh, I got hit with a wet umbrella and thAT ASSHOLE our eyes met for a minute and I just KNOW THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE. There’s a difference between pointing out someone’s crappy behavior versus taking it as a personal affront, and to me what Nicola said sounds like the latter.
How do men survive in the world? So delicate, so fragile.
Has this always been true or is he mega-stressed about something? I get like this when I am tamping down upsetness over major stressors I can’t do anything about.
OK I already did this on the link roundup but I’m posting it again for maximum audience… I hope this is not too annoying.
If you are a London-based Toaster, some of us are meeting for board games tomorrow at Ziferblat in Old Street. Provisional meeting time is 3pm. All are welcome! Please come! (London Toasts Facebook group just in case, and no I do not know how to embed a link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/435704426638315/)
HIIII Toast, I am a very infrequent poster but I just had to share that this week I was offered a job as a real! live! Young Adult librarian! Eeeeeee!
I graduated library school a few years ago in the midst of recession hell, and I’ve been doing various underpaid grunt-work jobs ever since hoping to move up in my super-competitive library system. And lo and behold! It finally paid off 😀
Anyone have any words of advice to share about working with teh teenz? I’ve been doing tech services stuff for the past few years so my public service skills are a bit rusty. I’m so excited but also so nervous!
Congratulations! A real, live librarian job of any kind is definitely something to celebrate. 😀
In my community most of our teens are college-bound and so over-scheduled by their hyperambitious parents that they barely have time to come to the library, but they come out in droves for Wii tournaments.
Yes! Wii tournaments were also the biggest attraction at my hometown library. That’s definitely high on the list.
Yes! Victory! I just started as a part-time public librarian/clerk and could use some advice for dealing with the youfs. I think I’m good with kids, but hell, what ARE teens these days about?
That’s amazing! We should do a thread sometime about favorite feminist young adult books so you can have recommendations ready for them!
I would have loved a friendly and respectful librarian as teenager 🙂 I’m sure you will be great!
So, I’m headed to Orlando on Tuesday for a conference and…I don’t really want to go. No one from my family can come so I’ll be there by myself. I know a few other people attending but they will have their spouses there. I’m staying on site at the hotel and will have no car so I’ll be trapped there with thousands of people trying to sell me something for three days.
I know I shouldn’t complain but social anxiety can be a bitch.
Ughhh. I have been there. I’m sorry. Maybe one of the couples you know attending won’t mind you tagging along? I don’t recommend hibernating with books during the off hours bc that resulted in a *more* of a cumulative bummer for me. *hugs*
I’m sure Orlando hosts a shmillion conferences this time of year, but if you happen to be going to IACT I have a couple friends who will be there with you and are telling me the same thing. Not a great city to be in solo and with no car, since pretty much nothing is walkable and now you have no escape routes.
No such luck. Litigation conference, hanging with the suits. Thank you for the offer!!
Video game thread? We haven’t had one in a while!
I finished my third playthrough of Dragon Age: Inquisition, this time as a female dwarf warrior. This time I played on Xbox One, so I got to do the Deep Roads and Avvar DLCs and also Trespasser at the end. This was my favorite Inquisitor so far, I loved having new content, and it’s just such a great game you guys.
I started The Witcher 3 a couple of days ago and am kind of starting to get into it! It’s definitely less silly and more creepy/violent than most things I play, but I like how complicated it is, and of course the animation is beautiful. I’m only in the opening chapter though, so we’ll see how it goes from here.
What are all of you playing??
I’m replaying Okami for the PS2. Such a beautiful game! However, it is not very challenging. I’m in it mostly for the visuals and the soundtrack, and the ability to make friends with all the different critters and make trees bloom and stuff.
I loved Okami. I should hook up my PS2 again.
I’ve had a hard time devoting myself to anything lately but I really want to find something to sink my teeth into. I jumped back into Fallout 4 after a few months away and I just can’t seem to get into it the way I did Fallout 3. When I look it up on TVTropes, it seems like I’ve missed out on 90% of the game. I can’t seem to get events to work out the way I want them to, I keep getting railroaded (pun intended) into choices I don’t want, and I seem to be suprisingly overpowered for someone who only uses a rifle and doesn’t wear her power armor ever. I want to love you, Fallout 4, but you’re making it hard.
I quit Fallout 4 at level 18. I hadn’t played any of the others, so it was a bit of a gamble anyway, but Fallout 4 just made me want to go replay Skyrim instead. Apparently I prefer my open worlds with dragons instead of zombies, which is not really a surprise.
The Witcher 3 is my second attempt at a new teeth-sinking game, and it is going much better.
I was really jonesing for something like Animal Crossing, to the point where I was considering buying a 3DS or similar, when along comes Stardew Valley being exactly the kind of thing I wanted. Hooray for timing!
Stardew Valley forever and ever!
I just finished Bravely Default and I’m really eager for Bravely Second to come out, even though I have to finish studying and testing for an IT cert before I can start playing it. I love jobs systems, I can’t help it. D:
I’m playing Fallout:New Vegas. I opened a door and there were 5 bark scorpions in a room.
Reader, I grenaded the SHIT out of that place, nearly killing myself, screamed a bit and upset the cat.
I’m playing it too! “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle Jangle” is basically stuck in my head all the time now. No regrets.
I got Witcher 3 for Christmas but can’t figure out how to make it run right on my laptop. I have good enough specs, but apparently configuring the game right takes some work…
I’ve been playing a lot of Hearthstone, which is just really fun and relaxing. My roommate and partner both play, too, and we spend a lot of time making the decks with the stupidest puns built into them and then trying to win with them. It never works.
The Division! It’s quite fun to play with my SO and a friend. We chat and drink and ignore the fact that all the enemies are the same. I like using sniper rifles because they make me feel powerful and skilled.
Single player-wise I’m playing DAI again (dwarf archer romancing Josie). Such a cute romance! I just got to the ‘major’ scene in that romance (vague in case of spoilers).
I should finish (Rise of the) Tomb Raider, but I sort of have to be in the mood, because it’s not an easy one to put down. I need 2-3 days to just play it straight but I always get distracted by responsibilities (UGH).
I’ve been playing Far Cry Primal. I’ve never played the other FC games, but man do I love riding my sabretooth tiger around, exploring caves, claiming bonfires and outposts from rival tribes, and skewering people with spears. If that’s wrong, weeeel…I just don’t care.
*sheepishly* I just got into Elder Scrolls Online. I really love the Elder Scrolls games, and now that I’m an adult with a job and not working my booty off in school anymore, I can come home and kill monsters and do quests for an hour or two a day. And it’s really fun! But I am not willing to reveal my MMO habits to people IRL.
I *want* to try Stardew Valley but I *don’t* want it to consume my whole life like Harvest Moon did many years ago 😉
I’m playing Ark: Survival Evolved. It is a blast! It is like Minecraft, with terrifying dinosaurs that you can tame. I die a lot. I’m starting up a new server tonight!
I’m playing The Division and loving it so much although I am not so keen on the whole PVP thing (I’ve enjoyed it in other games where the PVP was the whole point; not so keen on it when I’m trying to scavenge for loot).
I’m also debating whether to get one of the newer Assassin’s Creed games – I LOVED the earlier ones but ACIII was very disappointing – the areas were poorly set up so you couldn’t really sneak up on enemies, so for an assassin you spent a lot of time running up to people in broad daylight. :/ Thoughts?
People who have transitioned from non-profit to private sector: let’s chat! Especially if you were in development/fundraising.
I am having a tough time describing the things i do in private sector speak, and also what job titles to look for. Help me, I’m lost!
Also: has anyone used online career coaching? Good things? Bad things?
Oh man… Yes, I was in development for a nonprofit and left after 2.5 years to work in tech. I really jumped careers and the way I kind of buffered my resume was actually by scrolling a million (it felt like) job listings in the private sector (specifically the kinds of jobs I was somewhat qualified for), and breaking apart the language they used to describe stuff. And then I just applied it to my own resume.
I can’t give any advice on job titles to look for, unfortunately. However, I can say that in addition to copying their language, I got my job bc of a work project I helmed and had mentioned in my cover letter. So if you can talk about stuff like that in the cover letter- less “bullet point job words” and more project stuff, that can help too!
Good luck!
Toasts! I have an IUD question. I have the Mirena, and it’s just about time to get it replaced. For those of you who have done this – what was the experience like, relative to the initial insertion? Better? Worse?
Better, due to my actual doc doing the work instead of a clinician doing it for the first time. YMMV.
So much better! A little sore that day, but since your body doesn’t have to get used to it again, I was fine and bouncing around in bed with somebody less than a week later.
Disclaimer up front that my experience was kind of unique:
It was worse because the Mirena actually didn’t fit the second time around.
My uterus is/was on the border of “too small” for a Mirena. When I had my first one inserted, they did it while I was on my period – when you menstruate, your uterus is actually a bit larger than normal. So it was able to fit. But! Hormonal IUDs stop my period! So that wasn’t an option the second time around. My gyno for the second insertion, when reviewing all my info, actually commented that she would have judged my uterus too small for an IUD if she didn’t have the proof of one already being in there.
So when time came for the second insertion, she removed the first one, which kinda hurt but was very quick. Then she tried to insert the second one. And it wouldn’t. Go. In. Which was EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL to discover. While my legs were still in the stirrups, my gyno said, “We have a smaller hormonal IUD, the Skyla, which I think would work for you. Do you want to try that?” And I said yes, because what the hell else was I gonna do.
The Skyla also hurt, but it was hard for me to judge if it was more painful than my first insertion because I was still recovering from the failed attempt just a few minutes before. I don’t think it did.
Removal for me was making small talk, “Okay I’m gonna remove it now”, an odd but not painful feeling for half a sec and that was it. It was a complete non-event.
N.b. I got an implant so dunno about re-insertion. I’m sorry, I misread your question.
better! they do it all in one sweep, and I definitely didn’t feel nearly as woozy/crampy/etc. my doc told me to be sure to (a) eat a decent meal beforehand, and (b) take some aleve beforehand, and it was much, much better.
Also, I just need to vent for a minute. My maternal grandmother passed away at the end of February. I’m dealing pretty well, have a good support network, etc. – except for one thing. For context, my parents divorced when I was nine; my maternal grandparents had divorced shortly before. My brother and I split our time 50/50 between our parents, but my dad’s work schedule wasn’t great for childcare, so for that and possibly other reasons, my grandma moved in with him/us for a while. Even after she moved to her own place, she continued for many years to go the same church that he, and eventually my stepmom, attended.
After she died, both my dad’s parents and my stepmom’s parents contacted me with some lovely and touching expressions of sympathy. It is now a month later, and I have yet to hear a word from my dad and stepmom themselves – nary a text, email, Facebook message, phone call, carrier pigeon, etc. So I guess this weekend I have to call them and ask what the hell? Because what the hell. I don’t want to do that, and I shouldn’t have to, but I keep turning it over and over in my mind and I just need some kind of resolution. If, on the very outside chance, they did think to contact me and I just missed it (perhaps the card got lost in the mail?), I would definitely like to know that; if they care so little about me that they didn’t bother sending anything, or if they think I’m such a monster that I don’t care that my grandma died, or if they think there’s something I did or failed to do that warrants this kind of cruelty, I guess I’d like to know that too. Ugh.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your dad’s inconsiderate behavior 🙁
That entire situation just sounds awful, and I’m sorry you have to go through that on top of loosing your grandmother. Just sending you positive vibes right now
Thing an actual dude just actually said to me. I’m sharing because it is so precious:
“I guess because I’m white and male, I cannot have a valid opinion as to why I think one is better than the other.
I guess I’ll just take my privilege and sit in the corner where I belong, until my punishment is over for liking Bernie.”
Aw. The poor nipper. Wee lamb!
Boo hoo.
Tell him to come down from that damn cross already.
No. He is happier there in his natural habitat.
A few weeks ago, my coworker (we’re librarians) was helping a patron, and another patron walked up and started to interrupt her to ask for help, and my coworker said, “I can help you in just a moment,” and then went back to helping the first patron. The second patron didn’t take a step back or anything, just remained RIGHT THERE, STARING AT THEM, while my coworker continued to pleasantly help the first patron and ignore the second. Finally the second patron snapped, “I guess I’ll just go find someone who can help me!” and my coworker said, in a SUPER NICE and CHIPPER voice, “Okay, that’s a great idea!”
So now I say that a lot, and I recommend it to all of you, too. It is good for many situations such as yours.
Pretending Not To Understand Sarcasm is such a fun game sometimes.
(also, joke’s on you, your punishment is eternal!)
I spent a good chunk of the rest of the thread laughing at him WRT my misandry. I continued to riff on him after he flounced with this:
“lol I’m actually a feminist, but I can see I’ve pushed too many of your buttons now. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Seriously, I haven’t had this much fun in a while.
That’s too cute, lol.
I love how he managed to work “actually” in there, too. WTG, Secretly Feminist Dude.
lol I’m actually a feminist
OH MY GODDDDDDD
Why can I not upvote this more?
Toasties! I made it through my first week of a new job in events (after a spell of depression and underemployment)! I’m so glad to be in the workforce, and even better, I’m on a college campus and there’s *learning* happening all around. it’s magical!
Does anyone else ever does watch the Reading Rainbow opening credits over and over again when they are having a rough day?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwrybM6tL-8
I highly recommend it.
BUTTERFLY IN THE SKYYYYY
I CAN GO TWICE AS HIIIIIIGH
… I seriously sing it whenever I hear the word ‘butterfly’. And since I work in a place with lots of cannulas, I sing it a lot.
It makes me unhappier than perhaps it should that the RR episodes on netflix – even the old ones! – have the “new” opening credits sequence and I just can’t get behind it. It doesn’t sound right!
I was totally singing the RR song last night after a rough day! Love it
i don’t do the whole thing, but plenty of times i’ll sing “take a look! it’s in a book! the reading rainbowwww!”
[i didn’t grow up watching it, but babysat kids who did]
Professional toast femmes, especially in academia, what is a good way to get set up with a professional, minimal makeup look? I’m 32 and starting a grownup job soon and would like someone who knows what they’re doing to pick out some things for me and show me what to do and what not to do for a professional daytime look. I did this like ten years ago and liked the results but I suspect what a 20-something came up with for another 20-something ten years ago at a MaC counter is not quite right for my situation now.
Bonnie Brown and Clinique both have this kind of aesthetic. Going to Sephora with the dictate “minimal makeup look” could be hit or miss depending on your artist.
Fine, autocorrect, but I really did mean Bobbie even though you don’t like that.
Ooh, I use Bobbie Brown and I love it. It lasts the whole day and feels so light on my skin and provides great coverage.
I don’t have any suggestions for a professional, minimal make-up look, though. I stick to foundation, powder, a light blush, a neutral eyeshadow, and mascara for work. I occasionally wear lipcolor.
Thank you! “What makeup brands have this aesthetic” is, I think, the question I was trying to articulate but couldn’t. Like, MAC girls look fantastic and I loved when they made me up like a MAC girl but that’s not the right look for where I’m going next. I think I’ll check out Clinique, my mom used to give me the little free samples they gave her and the smell makes me happy/nostalgic.
You should look up when Clinique is having their bonus days, when they give you a ton of stuff if you spend like $35, which is a nice way of building a more subtle makeup collection.
One tip, if you want it? If you go to get your makeup done by any of the brands, pick a salesperson/makeup artist who personally embodies an aesthetic you’re going for. I’ve noticed that a salesperson with a defined brow wants to do a defined brow on me, or if they wear a ton of foundation they want to put it on me, etc. Also Nordstrom will cheerfully give you free samples of a lot of stuff if you want to try it yourself at home. And most drugstores will let you return stuff if you don’t like it.
Finally, I work in higher ed and at least in the PNW area, makeup is very optional compared to some other industries.
Yeah, I work in higher ed in the mountain west and makeup is entirely optional.
Neutrals are your friend! I just use a variety of neutral eyeshadows and blend the crap out of them. That’s it. Tinted moisturizer, tinted lip balm, and eyebrow pencil and some mascara and you’re done!
Yup – I love the Naked 2 palette for this.
Totally just gonna say that. Tinted moisturizer and a colourful lip blam (for those dry air-conditioned academic offices) and a bit of contrast around the eye. I carry a powder compact for the occasions when my skin decides it wants to get greasy, but that’s about it.
I was just recently in this exact situation! I have sensitive skin, so I researched affordable natural makeup until I found a brand I liked (I settled on Pacifica since a nearby Whole Foods stocked it). Then I asked a friend whose advice I trust to go with me one afternoon to help me pick out, buy, and learn how to apply said makeup. It wound up being a great afternoon and she was super kind about my utter and complete lack of knowledge. So perhaps if you have a trusted friend/sibling that you can go somewhere with?
I have a “no makeup” look that requires at least 15 products and tools – but I think if you asked for that at Sephora you’d get what you want.
(If it’s helpful: Armani luminous silk foundation mixed with their highlighter, Anastasia brow wiz pencil, random light colored under-eyebrow highlighter, color-corrector crayon on my bonkers dark circles, YSL liquid liner under upper lashes, Diorshow mascara, a bit more of the Armani highlighter alone on the cheekbones and nose, subtle blush, nice rosy “my lips but better” cream lipstick – I’m a fair-skinned white lady so that matters too.)
Excellent, and I’m a moderately fair-skinned white lady so your product recommendations were on point. Did it take you a long time to figure out this combination?
Most of my adult life.
I recognize that these are pretty much all very high-end and expensive products but I truly believe that had I just started here, I would have saved money on all of the not-quite-right things I bought along the way.
I use tinted moisturizer, concealer, mascara and sometimes blush. I am the pasty office goth, so your milage may vary.
Brands:
NYX concealer (10 is yellow and good for hiding dark circles on pasty people)
Neutrogena Blemish concealer (for zits and the like)
Neutrogena Tinted Moisturizer
Revlon cream blush.
Tinted lip stuff of varying shades.
TINY SAMPLE Mascara. Mascara goes bad super fast, so don’t buy a big bottle of the stuff. Get the tiny ones for like 10 bucks.
I learned to do this with the help of a book. It sounds silly, but it was amazing! The Five Minute Face by Karmindy.
And it doesn’t even take me 5 minutes, since I was able to triage which parts were actually important to me for feeling finished and professional, and jettisoned the ones that weren’t (mascara).
EDIT: I see this isn’t quite the question you asked, but she also has recs for specific looks and for specific makeup brands, so still helpful, I think.
I think good skin is the secret to minimal makeup, so maybe put your investment there? I buy expensive, non-goopy, non-smearing, dark black mascara (very into Urban Decay Perversion lately), tinted lip balm, & brow powder. And that’s it on a day-to-day basis. But I do a lot of skin care instead of makeup applying. I asked my friend, who always always always looks radiant what she does, and she said, “Witch Hazel toner, Khiels, and Mascara.” (she also has some serious black girl magic skin, so that has 75% to do with it) But I was sold & it works for me too. If I have a lot of meetings, I’ll put on a light powder, a nudeish eye shadow, liquid liner/mascara, brow powder, blush, and a darker lipstick. I’m *very* femme, but over the years, I’ve started wearing progressively less makeup for a “rich french woman look.”
I think the most minimal look is some kind of eye look in neutrals with either some lip or cheek action. So bit o eyeliner, maybe shadow or mascara, foundation/powder if you use it, then either blush or a lip tint.
Then get a superb haircut and a solid clothing game and you are done. Studies find people find women with a bit of makeup most trustworthy and competent. For me that’s just a bit of eyeliner, plus lips or tinted face cream.
Femme, 46 and work in the church.
My go to makeup is: Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow; mascara and lipstick.
In the office I often wear a really neutral pink lip, and go a bit brighter if I’m preaching/teaching or presenting. (online or in person) I also rock a really bold red lip at times.
If I’m going with a bolder eyes, then I definitely go with a pale lip – for work I only ever glam up one or the other.
If you’ve go to a Sephora – don’t be afraid to ask for samples! And advice on what to select/how to apply it.
Echoing other posters with the recommendations for excellent skin care first and foremost, followed by tinted moisturizer (or foundation if your skin is still determined to be whiney, like mine), blush, and mascara. Additionally, I highly recommend Urban Decay’s primer potion before applying eye makeup–it can completely replace eyeshadow, or act as an incredible base that keeps the dreaded smears away.
My son was accepted at our city’s High School for the Performing & Visual Arts (the longest bumper sticker in town!) last week and we went to the open house and he loved it and NOW WE’RE MOVING which: yikes.
We’ve been in the house since ’97, which means there is a lot of crap. We’re moving to the cottage my parents bought when they downsized (they have since upsized by moving to acreage in the country and building a new building every couple of years, because they really like building things.) My sister & niece had been living there but sis bought a place of her own so it’ll be available just in time for the new school year.
Cottage has 2 bedrooms, so we’re like: okay, college-age son, you no longer have a bedroom, hahahaha, see what happens when you go to California & Argentina forever? Maybe we’ll put a futon on the sunporch for you!
Meanwhile, my friends and my high school son’s friends are all shocked and acting betrayed because we didn’t tell anyone he was applying. He’s been in school with a lot of his BFFs since they were 4, so I get it, but I feel like I’m responsible for a lot of people’s emotions right now, and I want instead to be responsible for a lot of decluttering and dreaming about hanging out in my new (cooler, WAY less Republican, close to downtown) neighborhood.
Congratulations! Let us know if you need help moving. All this weightlifting has to come in handy some time…
PS: where in town is the cottage?
Ha! We’re actually going to be very near you – Woodland Heights – so you can just bring your Sunday morning muscles over to help out when we move in.
Guys, I just made an appointment for consultation for top surgery and I almost cried on the sidewalk I’m so happy. It has been a very long 7 years waiting for this.
Omfg congratulations!!! I hope it is soon amd goes well and is very affordable.
That’s wonderful news!!!! Congratulations on taking this momentous step!
Congratulations! Wishing you all the best for your surgery and recovery.
yayayayay
Awesome!! Congratulations!
Aw hell yes. I has consultation about a month ago but now it’s time to save up for the actual thing. One step at a time!
Yes, but it’s one step closer! Congrats!!
Congratulations!
Yayyyy!!!
Toasties, someone I don’t even really know was awful to me on the internet today, and even though it is the internet where people are randomly awful all the time, I am much more upset about it than this warrants. It is such a small thing in the grand scheme of the world, but having someone out of nowhere tell me how unkind and rude and awful I am and how I don’t write nicely and stuff was just stupidly upsetting. After sending this ragebomb to me she blocked my account so it is not like I can even ASK what I did, but then, hopefully I would know better, because I already logically know I did absolutely nothing… but my brain is on a hamster wheel about it trying to figure out what I did that wasn’t nice enough. Argh.
In other news, our partner got an awesome job after 7 weeks of searching so there is no risk of our children starving! And we close on the house in 2 1/2 weeks! It is time to start interview contractors! Yikes!
::Toasthugs:: You have been kind to me. And I like the way you write. Not that you need my approval. And this ragebombing asshat does not merit your attention. She is unequipped to recognize your many virtues.
Hooray for partner’s awesome job! Y’all deserve some good karma. I remember reading about this house and how much you want it. So very happy for you. Don’t forget to call contractor’s references.
Thank you!
a) you write beautifully, it is one of the notable things about you
b) you are a very kind and generous person, those are two other notable things about you
c) I am very judgmental about this person I don’t know because anyone who spews venom then runs and hides is a garbage person whose words deserve to be sucked into zero-gravity
Yay for partner job & house closing & contractor fun!
Thank you for these lovely words — they really helped me shake off the funk. I honestly do not think of myself as particularly nice or kind at all, so it is very thought-provoking that you & several other people said I/we are notably kind. I may need to recalibrate my standards. 🙂
Well, I don’t know if y’all help old people laden with groceries cross the street on a rainy day or anything, but you consistently respond here with the generosity of spirt of people who give the best possible interpretation on the motivations of those you interact with, and your stories about your life/parenting build bridges to those who are seeking advice or a balm for their own concerns.
Strikes me as kind!
What?? You are literally the nicest, kindest people on the Internet.
Wow, that is some high praise, thank you very much! I kept thinking this to myself & giggling every time her awful words came back to me. 🙂
I’m sorry. :/ I had a Bad Internet Interaction this week, too, and it’s quite possible *I* was the asshole — basically someone posted a super-judgmental parenting article on a forum I was in, and I took a stand to say hey, maybe we shouldn’t fight the mommy wars here, and the person who posted it took offense and nobody really ended up seeing eye-to-eye, that’s for sure.
I don’t really feel bad about my stance, but I do feel bad about the whole interaction sucking, and yeah… solidarity on the hamster-wheel feeling. I have a hard time imagining from your posts here how anyone could declare you rude and unkind, so I’m sure that this person’s behavior says more about them than about you.
“unkind” is not a word I would use to describe you based on what I have seen of you here.
It SUCKS when things like this happen because it really is so easy to get on that wheel.
But here are some things to consider: you have no idea what else was going on with this person. Maybe you accidentally stepped on a trigger. Maybe their boss was an asshole five minutes earlier. Maybe they’re dealing with a medical issue that makes their fuse shorter. All kinds of things can lead to a person being awful to someone else, and a lot of times they have nothing to do with the recipient.
Also sometimes when I can’t get over something like this I try to look at what the other factors I have going on are: have I had enough sleep, am I hungry, do I have PMS, do I need to go outside and get some fresh air for five minutes, etc.
I’m going to see everyone’s favorite musical about the Founding Fathers tomorrow!!!
No, not that one. 1776, starring Santino Fontana as John Adams. This is the most excited I’ve been all year. The best part is that I’m going with five other girls who love the show just as much as I do. We have not stopped screaming since we got the tickets.
It is still my favorite Founding Fathers musical. I am suitably jealous.
My roommate’s favorite thing to say to me when I’m being cheeky is “INnncredible” in a John Adams voice
In times of frustration I tend to let out an “oh, sweet Jesus” ala McNair.
Yay! I love him so much in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend I would go just for him. Have fun.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
I literally just Kermit-flailed because I had no idea this was happening and it pleases me so much! Have the MOST fun! 1776 is one of my favorite musicals, and Santino Fontana is a delight.
I am in a constant state of inward Kermit-flail
no fourth of July at my house is complete without sitting on the roof watching fireworks and warbling “we are waiting for the chirp…chirp…chirp”
I love John Adams in 1776, and that sounds amazing. Have fun!
Summer goals: Fix up surfboard, take it out several times. First camping trip with the baby, somewhere high in the Sierras. Weekend trip to Mexico City to use a flight voucher I have on a cheap Mexican airline. Grilling out in the yard (though to be fair we do this year round because LA). Eating tons of tomatoes and corn and stone fruit. Make friend who has a pool invite me over for weekly pool date/girlfriend time. Attend outdoor music event/festival. Bluegrass?
I would also like to rent a cabin on a lake for a week, preferably somewhere like Wisconsin or Montana or, I don’t know, a Dakota? I am picturing a place with a healthy lake-vacation tradition. Michigan? Toasties, help me out with recommendations?
Michigan is FILLED of lake-vacation traditions. If you’ve ever read Jim Harrison (RIP), you’ll understand.
Wisconsin is a solid choice for this! Good summers/weekends at the lake house tradition. I would say, though, that a lot of the Wisconsin lakes are a decent haul from a nearby airport.
Oh man, going ‘up North’ to the lake is classic Michigan summer. I grew up going to my grandparents’ cottage on Higgins Lake, which is a beautiful lake. Other lakes I have enjoyed: Torch Lake, Crystal Lake, Lake Ann, Lake Leelanau. And then there’s always the Great Lakes! The entire Lake Michigan coast is beautiful and full of sandy beaches, and the Traverse Bay area near Traverse City/Leelanau Peninsula is also lovely (AND is the heart of Michigan wine country!)
Friends I need some advice! I just had a fabulous job interview for a position I’m really excited about and I need to send them references. The whole decision is a bit time sensitive – I have an obligation at my current job in early May, which I don’t have to stay for but do want to give them as early notice as possible about not attending. So I want to send the references ASAP to help the new place make their decision.
Buuut my current job is my first real adult job and the only real place I have ‘work’ references. I have a colleague who knows about my job search who could speak about me, but I don’t have a whole lot of other references that aren’t academic to provide…I’d have to reach further back into my past internships and that would obviously delay the process since I’d have to write to those people first…
Thoughts? Thanks in advance!
Depending on the academic references, you can definitely use those. For my most recent job search, I had a colleague from my then-current job (also a first Real Adult Job), a boss from an internship, and my grad school advisor as my references. If you’re academic references could reasonably comment on job-related skills or professionalism (so an advisor or research mentor, but probably not just a professor), go for it!
You could also get the colleague’s reference, and send that immediately while informing the prospective place that you’re contacting your additional references and will send that info shortly. They might decide the one reference is enough.
Thank you, that is great advice!
Charlie Potato thinks i should play with him instead of lounging in bed. Too bad, Charles.
Also I think maybe his bangs need a trim. He does have eyes, I swear to god.
I moved this week! Up one whole flight of stairs. This was complicated by the fact that apparently my left wrist has decided to mutiny and stop doing the things it’s supposed to do without fairly significant pain, but I had some help. Today I am taking a day off from work to rest said wrist, since all things working make it worse.
Which means I should stop typing this! Okay bye.
It’s okay, Tater. We Toasties shall admire you and your floof instead.
(But your mom is right about your bangs.)
That is all.
Hmm… second attempt:
I really think some more investigation needs to take place wrt “is CPH actually a muppet?” People need answers!
Nothing to see here, he’s a real potato!!!
/urgently stuffs ritually sacrificed stuffed animals behind back
erm, the previous comment has been edited to be five hundred percent less accidentally horrible
Suuuuuuure he is. Sure.
BARKLEY!
I regularly have to trim my own wee mongrel’s bangs and then for several days she just seems so SURPRISED by everything (mostly just because I can actually see her eyes again).
I just boarded a two hour train ride and there’s a fucking leg wiggler next to me
In better news I went on a cool bumble bff date this week with an awesome girl, and had two dates with a super handsome and seemingly great guy (lol after my recent dating experiences I’m just incessantly waiting for the other shoe to drop but maybe he is actually just a great guy??)
I am getting tested on Thursday by a Neuropsychology place for apparently EVERYTHING because they said it would take 4-5 hours.
I just want to know if I have ADD.
Please tell me your stories of brain problem diagnosis.
I went to an office that specialized in numerous psychological conditions to get tested for ADD. During the first interview, with a psychiatric nurse, she took me into a separate, smaller office.
“Don’t worry if you see things moving in the air conditioning vents,” she said. “There really are things moving in the air conditioning vents. I like to tell people so they’re not worried that they’re hallucinating things moving in the air conditioning vents.”
I looked at the air conditioning vents. I did not see things moving in them. To this day, I occasionally wonder if maybe I’m hallucinating that things are not moving in the air conditioning vents.
(And I did eventually get diagnosed with ADD, after that interview and one with the psychiatrist.)
Maybe she was lying? There’s nothing in the vents and if you’re like “oh good, you can see them too” it’s an indicator.
I have no idea how this will work.
Who knows? A few years later I started hearing things in the air conditioning vents at home, and then seeing a bit of movement, and eventually my husband heard it too. When he took the vents off to check, there was, inexplicably, pieces of brown paper in the vents that were moving around in the air stream. It was a 60-year-old house, so I assume at some point the ducts and/or pipes were lined with brown paper, but I have no idea otherwise.
My ADD interviews were fairly short and straightforward and took up maybe an hour–I think the psychiatrist was more interested in making money by cranking people through than in careful diagnosis. :/
At one research place where I used to work, they would do I think 8-12 hours of testing before participating in any research studies (not ADD).
4-5 hours is more reasonable and I think it’s a good sign that they’re really checking differential diagnoses. A lot of people have multiple things going on or sometimes two different issues present similarly but the treatment is different so it’s good to be thorough.
I’m glad to hear that. I read the letter they sent with the paper work and my eyes almost popped out of my head. I didn’t think it was going to take that long since most of the time I walk in to the doctor’s office going “Here are my symptoms, I think I might have this and would like your opinion.” I assumed this was going to be similar.
Has there been any news about the Toast tote bags going on sale? Did I just miss that entirely, or have they not been released yet? My old library-going bag is wearing out and I would love to replace it with a Toast one.
I am pretty sure they haven’t been released yet.
Damn. I have no wish to hassle our beloved Toast overlords, for they are undoubtedly busy creating delightful content for me to read when I should be working, but I really want that tote.
i don’t have any one thing to say, but 3 things.
+ my front door chrysalis hasn’t shown signs of hatching yet
+ my week 1 of whole30 is going well. turns out Thai Kitchen makes curry pastes with no preservatives or added sugar, so i’m going to the thai market today.
+ here’s a conversation i overheard at a restaurant bar the other day:
button-down plaid shirt bearded guy says to very nondescript normal guy friend, “hey, have you seen any of the feminist comedies out lately? like, uh, trainwreck? i think amy schumer is really funny.” and i crane my ear and wait for normal guy to say … “they’re too vaginal for me. they make me uncomfortable.” bearded guy smoothes this with some words of understanding, and my head fills with thoughts that prevent me from hearing more. instead i tell my husband and we laugh. you tried, bearded guy, you tried.
Toasties, keep your fingers crossed for me. I had a job interview a week ago today for a position I really, really want, and I know that since then they’ve been checking my references, and they promised they would be in touch soon, but the waiting is agony.
Aaaaah good luck! Pretend they’ve already rejected you, so if you get the job it will be a pleasant surprise. I don’t know if that’s really possible though, maybe just drown your anxiety in chocolate
Thank you! And there has definitely been so much chocolate. After Easter sales are dangerous!
Toast gamers, please help! I am so not a gamer. My 11 year old wants to play DOTA 2. What do you think? Too much chauvinism and general crappy culture for a kid?
Thx for your thoughts!
Ooof. MOBAs are definitely in bad territory when it comes to online toxicity, partially because they’ve just been like that historically but also partially due to the structure of the games — matches are long (about 45 minutes) with random spikes in intensity and a misplay can easily swing a game. And I will say it’s not likely to be every match, and both LOL and DOTA have been working on the community. But… they definitely have a ways to go.
The obvious solution would be to just say to turn off chat but unfortunately it’s one of those games where doing that can give your team a significant tactical disadvantage. (There are half-steps you can do like turning off all but computer-generated messages or the like.)
You could also say they could only play matches against bots or only play with friends, or try some other MOBAs like those on tablets (where the chat tends to be only computer generated).
(The sad thing is I do like DOTA and The International is super fun to watch but it’s hard to recommend, particularly for a younger kid.)
Thank you! This is very much like my gut reaction, but I really appreciate hearing from you. Online games are not my thing. We talk with him about treating people like people, but online can be so toxic. Preteen is such a tough time. He thinks he can handle all the stuff.
My 17 year old daughter plays LOL (*ONLY* with friends, though, due to aforementioned toxicity) and won’t go near DOTA or DOTA2 due to the rampant racism, homophobia, and misogyny. She’s wise.
My summer aspiration: Hiking and camping! Two of my favorite hobbies, but ones that have been put on the back burner a little bit with having 2 kids in 2 years. This summer, they’ll be over 1 and 3, respectively, so I’m definitely ready to tackle some low-key hikes and even a camping trip. Anyone have any tips on camping with little kids?
Stay close to home. The little ones don’t know how far away they are. You need to be able to hurry home in case of bad weather or a sudden toddler fever.
I know a woman who took her kids camping almost every weekend of every summer when they were small. They pitched a tent at a public camp ground 2 miles from their home. Mom often left the kids in the tent with their dad for 20 minutes so she could drive home for the forgotten, but necessary, comfort toy or for teething gel, etc. Mom and dad took turns going home to sleep in a real bed. The kids loved it.
Good advice! We have some close spots scoped out, but probably not so close that one of us could bail for a real bed – love that workaround.
Do you have friends with same-age kids who would camp with you? Divide-and-conquer is a great strategy with the preschool set. The Smiths make breakfast while the Joneses watch all the kids, then the Joneses clean up while the Smiths are on kid duty, and so on.
If your vehicle is big enough, bring bikes/scoot toys/etc.
Have a “Plan B” for when someone can’t fall asleep in a strange place. My youngest brother had to be read and coddled to sleep in the car, then he could be moved to his sleeping bag.
Maintain low expectations, and have fun!
Has you ever been called as someone’s emergency contact person?
I am unmarried and live far away from my family and BFF, so I never know whom to list as my contact person – is it better to use someone with closer proximity or someone who knows more about you (medical history, or the answers to all your password recovery questions)?
I am contact person for someone I barely know. I am new in town and she and I decided we could be friends. Then her best friend died. My new friend said this death leaves her without an emergency contact she can trust. I asked what she meant by trust. She said her only living relative is an adult daughter she does not trust to respect her wishes if she were incapacitated.
Turns out my new friend and I are on the same page about organ donation, when to end life support, what to do with a dead body. So I’m her emergency contact.
So yeah, someone geographically near, but also someone who will fulfill your wishes. You can choose someone else to hold your passwords if you like. Just give that name to your emergency contact.
RoseCamelia, you may know all this already, but just in case: Being someone’s emergency contact does not automatically make you the person who will be responsible for fulfilling their last wishes. That can be the same person and often is (spouse, parent, etc). But your friend’s daughter is technically her next-of-kin and, unless there is other documentation in place, is who a hospital would turn to as the person legally allowed to make decisions if your friend is incapacitated. (This of course assumes that she is in close enough contact that her daughter would be alerted if something that serious happened).
If your friend would like you to be responsible for fulfilling her last wishes if she is unable to make those decisions for herself, she should designate you as her Health Care Proxy. This website (http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289) has links to free forms by state, since the laws vary depending on where you live. This document should be photocopied and given to you, her doctor, and kept in an obvious place in her home.
It’s wonderful that you’ve found a friend in your new home who you are so in agreement with and who trusts you with this!
I have both of my parents listed as my emergency contacts. When I listed them, I sent them an email with reminders of some basic medical history information, etc. and numbers for who else they should call if I do have a medical emergency (including friends in closer proximity to me in case I need help from someone local).
I’d go with someone who knows more about you, I think! Maybe give them the name of someone who is nearby they can call on if needed?
I list my parents, who are not geographically near but know my medical history, and also know who I would like them to contact on a more local basis so that my dog is in safe hands, etc.
For a lot of years, my ex was actually my emergency person. He knew my passwords (or could guess them), he knew my wishes, and he knew how to contact my family (they were out of the country). I have his number memorised, and it was just easier. Now that my parents are in the US and I can use them, it feels almost strange to write my mom’s number down.
I have been putting down 2: my mom (who knows my medical history & I’d trust to make medical decisions but lives far away) and a roomie (who’s physically close if that is needed).
My aspirational summer activity is more instances of deciding last minute after work to drive 40 minutes to a state park with a lake and just swimming or reading by the lake until sunset.
Used to do this a handful of times every summer, but has decreased to “maybe once a summer” since I moved to Ohio. But I’m hoping to do so more this year!
The Toast featured in my stress dream last night. Why, brain why? I like it here. It is not stressful. You need not make it so.
I also had a Toast dream last night, though it was more hilarious than stressful! Someone tried to follow up on a piece they pitched to the Toast in a random comment section here, and the editors were like…don’t.
I just found out, on Page 1 here, that the basis for my stress dream is real (a local toast meetup) and now I’m anxious and also weirded out.
Is anyone else watching Miraculous Ladybug? I decided to try it out a few weeks ago, when the Steven Universe hiatus finally got to be too much to bear, and I just LOVE. IT. SO. MUCH. It is aggressively formulaic and charming and full of puns that probably worked better in the original French and I love every character and half the villains look like fancy clowns for no reason whatsoever. Also it has like the friendliest fandom I’ve ever seen, zero shipping wars because everyone is just distracted by the epic Love Rectangle that only has two characters, it’s great.
I started watching it a couple weeks ago because a friend is going to do a Chat Noir cosplay. It’s lots of fun, but I have trouble with the English voice actors they chose for dubbing. I might have to watch it in French with subtitles instead.
Is the animation kind of… weird? I’ve only seen screen caps but it looks like the movies that are knock offs of popular movies that are kinda claymation-y with very little shadow or texture. Is it noticeable while watching? The story seems very cute so I am down for it in theory…
Oh gosh, sorry, I am really not the person to ask, I never notice cheap animation at ALL. I haven’t heard any complaints, though!
UnREAL spun off its lesbian into a webseries!
[spoilers for the whole webseries coming in the replies]
I spent the whole series expecting unREAL to do something terrible and cynical and deadly and it mostly didn’t! They got to be churchy AND gay without any disasters happening! A nice change from the queer lady tv slaughterhouse that’s been even worse for the last month or so.
Thanks for the tip! I am with you on the queer lady slaughterhouse fatigue. All queer lady characters should just be assigned kevlar vests at this point.
YES with the kevlar. The webseries dropped yesterday and I noticed the internet flipping about two more dead tv lesbians last night, so I figured it’s good timing for something less dreary.
Question for the veteran homeowners: if there’s evidence that squirrels have been in my attic at some point, how important is it that I spend the approximately bajillion dollars I’ve been quoted to seal the space so they can’t get in anymore?
I’m getting the impression that if they really want in, they’ll get back in eventually. So do I pay a lot of money for a temporary solution (that comes with a 2-year warranty) and just accept I’ll probably have to pay it again in the future. Or can I live with squirrels hanging out in my attic sometimes? I don’t hear them making any noise. I only know they’ve been up there because the inspector mentioned seeing droppings before I bought the house (and they of the bajillion dollar quotes have confirmed sightings of droppings).
I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure the squirrels in the attic of our last rental house were the cause of the flea infestation our cats ended up with. (and one of the very many reasons we ended up buying our own home, so that we could actually fix problems that happened instead of relying on an unsympathetic property manager to fail to fix them.)
Maybe you could hire someone to do it this time & follow them around, so they could show you the problem spots & you can diy something in the future? Because also, if they’re that determined, they will probably find a way from the attic to the rest of the house eventually, which I imagine would be more expensive to deal with :/
I am very much not a fix-it person though is the thing. I’ve gotten the impression from online research that they’re usually pretty happy in the attic, it’s dry and comfy.
The main issues that come up is their leaving their droppings (which I could deal with cleaning myself every so often) and chewing through wiring (which seems to be top real concern that could become a big problem).
Tame them and have them be your familiars?
This would be my ideal solution.
I’ve had rats get into my attic on and off, and other than setting traps, I haven’t done much, because I kind of get the same impression – if rats want in, they will get in somehow. I will tell you that I have had some issues with them eating the foam insulation off from around some HVAC lines, which led to condensation dripping through my insulation and into the drywall in the ceiling, so now I have a 4 sq. inch hole in my guest room ceiling I’ve got to patch.
We had rats, not squirrels, but Mr. Rat and friends chewed through our TV cable wire and we had to call the dreaded Time Warner Cable as a result. And that, in and of itself, makes me never want rats again.
it’s best to do what you can to evict them and seal it off. whether they chew through wires or not, living animals who are leaving droppings and eating food up there are inviting bugs who scavenge the crumbs of food, molds growing on anything that decomposes, and as fluids soak into the wood, you’ll open yourself to mold or fungus in the wood which allows termites entry points more easily. we bought a fixer that had many issues similar to this, and all the reasoning for sealing off things and heading off infestations at the pass was made abundantly clear to us going forward.
while it may not be an immediate problem, it’s a good idea to start saving for it and get it taken care of as a goal.
Well sheesh. I was kind of hoping you’d all give me the answer I wanted to hear, but I guess I should accept it and shell out the cash. Any opinions on whether I should do it now or wait until winter’s closer (that’s when they mostly come inside, right?).
i know, we are terrible! i would probably do it when i think the lowest amount of them would be up there, because you probably have to humanely trap & remove them as well? so you’ll probably want to talk to an experienced person, but it sounds like you’d probably want to seal it up and minimize the animal removal.
It’s not important. Keep them in the house, befriend them, and get them to becomingly show up around you while you’re doing chores or getting dressed.
Checking now if my friend who’s an animal behavior expert can teach me how to train squirrels to do this.
As a kid we repeatedly had squirrels in both the attic and the basement who eventually made their way to the main floors. (famously, the first time the squirrels were knocking stuff over, but my mom blamed it on my brother and me until she found a wicker waste basket half chewed apart.)
Ugh guys I love The Toast and I love all of you.
Just needed to say that.
Seconded!
Ditto.
Is anyone else waiting to hear back from Fulbright? I’m feeling double the stress because I’m waiting until I know where I will be next year before I start trying to plan my wedding. Bleagh!
I’m not currently in your shoes, but I was a few years back. Found out at the end of April*, and sometimes they’ll do this fun thing where they’ll let half the grantees know on one date, and the other half know like 3 weeks later. I’ve heard it gets even more confusing/worse if you’re applying for the southern hemisphere.
Best of luck, though! The process is ridiculous but the rewards are amazing!
*Which was, uh, fun, because I was entering my last month of undergrad with no job prospects and having to figure out, like… do I apply for things? Should I apply for things? Am I going to have to live under a bridge like a troll after graduation, or am I going to be held in the generous bosom of Fulbright Commission? Good, nerve-wracking times.
I’m not in your position, but I know people who are. Crossing available appendages for you!
This week my physical therapist was out sick Thursday, so I played hooky too and henna-ed my newly (and horribly) cut hair, so I look like a caffeinated leprechaun. I have two more sessions, then a physical and a dental appointment…oh yeah, and cardiology…and then I might actually have a window of unscheduled time in which to look for work! Dios mio.
Hooray for henna! And go you! for tending your health. All those appointments. Those took some serious effort for scheduling and follow through.
weird experience: walked into the restroom at work, immediately thought, “oh, it smells like church” but SPECIFICALLY the whole room smelled exactly like the catholic church I went to growing up. It’s never done that before, soooo next question: was someone burning frankincense in my work restroom? If so, why?
Toast, I got House-of-Carded (ok maybe slight exaggeration no one died) today at work by people who I had totally trusted and oh man does it feel terrible. Anyone else had that experience? How did you deal with it??
What does it mean???
TOTALLY IMPORTANT QUESTION: I’m getting my nails done tomorrow and I have no idea what color. Ideas? Just not purple because I work for a school whose team colors involve purple and I don’t want people to think I have school spirit. Also, I have pale skin and hair that is currently red and blue.
I’m going to a library conference in Austin next week and want nice nails to make up for my total inability to actually network.
A nice sky blue or white might be nice!
Unsolicited advice: If you’re doing regular nail polish, and not gel (I don’t know anything about gel) you may want to bring your OWN color, so you can do touchups for next week.
Or just paint the ends of your nails with clear polish every day, but I always forget to do that.
I hope you have a great time at the conference!
I always paint my nails blues of various shades. I like it a lot!
Don’t forget one chrome nail.
I’m super pale and tend to like either really pale or really dark colors on my nails. Bright colors wash me out. My all time favorite shade is an ever-so-slightly creamy white with microglitter, which I think would look rad with your hair. Patriotic but edgy!
oo that sounds amazing
Grey! I love grey nail polish, it goes with everything.
I always suggest purple 🙁
So… maybe something sparkly? A rich metallic (gold)?
For the start of spring I did yellow which I rarely do but I’m feeling it quite nicely.
There is only one real option when it comes to nails.
JUNGLE RED MOTHERFUCKERS
But only if you also have a fresh bottle of Ooomph Perfume in which to drench yourself!
Personally I prefer Summer Rain.
For a great many years, my mother has reacted to news of family drama involving my cousins with “I am so blessed to have you and your brother.” This used to make me feel warm and fuzzy. Now that I am acknowledging myself as not-straight and have told people I know about this (which has been nice!), this makes me feel vaguely guilty and a little bit panicky. (I’m also starting to see how it’s kind of a weird statement to make, generally!)
So far, I have responded to this kind of statement twice with a “Well, there’s plenty of time for one of us to disappoint you,” in a light, off-hand manner, as if I’m joking. But I’m not really joking, because I’m fairly sure I will be disappointing her at some point.
Also I am going to be quitting a Bible study leadership position partly because of the above and partly because of other reasons, and my mom knows I’m quitting but HAS NOT ASKED ME WHY and I am just… she asks me about everything? Why not this? When will the other shoe drop?
Okay so, I haven’t come out to my parents (and probably won’t because I am in a het-appearing relationship and that is Good Enough for them), but I definitely empathize with the fear of being the black sheep/disappointment for the first time. I was raised as the perfect daughter and since I had no rebellious teenage years I made a lot of mistakes (that is Choices They Did Not Approve Of, as well as actual mistakes) in my early twenties.
But after your family gets over that first disappointment, it’s much easier (for you!) afterwards. Less anxiety, less worry about appearing to be perfect.
My life isn’t exactly what my mom wanted for me, but she sees that I’m happy and successful now in my own way and she’s proud of me for the accomplishments I chose, not the ones that she dreamed. So I hope you can cleanse the guilt because you don’t have to be perfect for your mom, just good to yourself. And good vibes to you through your coming out process!
Yeah. I mean, I haven’t been living my life just to please my mother or anything, and have had several times where I’ve made drastically different choices than she would have. Those things have been fine! They haven’t involved actual disappointments with moral code kinds of things (at least, not big ones). And I know you’re right. I do! I know that disappointing her is not the end of having a decent relationship with her, even!
Thank you for the encouragement!
I mean…there’s drama and then there’s drama, you know? If that’s how your mother responds to every slightly unexpected thing involving your cousins, be worried. If it’s how she responds to legit crises or genuine bad decisions, it seems likelier that she can rebound from any disappointment to realize she is still so blessed to have a kid who has her shit together, loves her, and makes healthy life decisions.
Every family is different, but I have seen loving, deeply religious parents choose to maintain a healthy relationship with their not-straight kids because A) they love their children, B) they can realize that that revelation doesn’t negate every other good thing their kid does, and C) they still want to be able to have input/be a source of help when real crises arise.
Familial love is both so simple and so complicated.
Thank you! Yeah, it’s kinda both. I mean, she’s going to be disappointed, but I don’t think she’ll kick me out of her life or anything. Familial love is exactly that simple and complicated.
As someone else who is decidedly not-straight, I just wanted to let you know that I’m rooting for you.
I’ve been really lucky that my mom adjusted really fast, though most of her missteps came from her being so convinced that I was super-straight like her, instead of deeply held religious beliefs.
About that guilt…I don’t know you, but I know that for me, having to lie about really ordinary things to hide the existence of my very serious girlfriend from family really amped up the guilt. Even if you aren’t dating anyone (thus reducing the number of outright lies you have to make), it really sucks to worry about your parents not accepting you. I hope you can remind yourself that if your mom does end up having a really bad reaction, it’s NOT your fault. Just look at the people you’ve already told who haven’t had bad reactions! I’m not suggesting that you should come out to your mother before you are ready to, of course. Maybe it would be helpful for you to get some pro-LGBT Christian resources on hand for when that time comes? They wouldn’t necessarily be to pass on to her, but to remind you that despite what your mother and church might say, you aren’t a categorical disappointment because you aren’t straight. I hope that the other shoe drops as softly as possible, but no matter what, you are on a road that will lead to way more happiness (since eventually even just keeping your mother from disappointment would probably turn into resentment which obviously isn’t great for relationships). Best of luck to you!
Thank you! And yes, I’ve already decided that I’m probably going to want to come out to my family sooner than later, considering 1) I really suck at not being open about my life, especially with my family and 2) Want to avoid the whole hiding a possible future girlfriend scenario. I’m definitely not ready for the conversation yet–not even close–but I know enough about myself and about them that I suspect it’s not as far off as I think.
Okay, so this will appear where not a lot of people can see it, and that’s good because I have an embarrassing question:
For people who seem to go on multiple dates and have tons of sexy fun, how do you do it? I’m not trying too hard to date right now (I need to move to a proper living space before I can), but how do I do that?
That’s a billion-dollar question! I wish I had a helpful catch-all answer for you, but mostly what I have is best wishes and support!
I do know that learning to take care of myself and putting myself in positive, fun situations was essential to my love relationships, and it sounds like you’re handling that.
Thanks! I’m not too worried honestly. Just in awe of some friends who seem to have a new date every few weeks or so.
Like logistically or mentally? Logistically, online dating and a meticulous calendar. Mentally, checking in with your emotions a bunch and honesty.
This! Although I would also add, details, being absolutely willing to say “ok, it was nice to meet you, bye” after the first drink if it’s just not working for you, and feeling strong enough to keep walking even if they get insistenty (this is advice for if you are a female type person dating male type persons. For more queerish dating things, different details might apply.)
I have a couple of friends who do this and genuinely just need less sleep than me. Turns out it’s way easier if you can happily get by on 5 hours rather than 8.
“Lots of dates” I’m terrible at (I am just not dateable? Dating is not my thing?) but lots of sexy times I am good with, as long as you’re okay with one night stands. What it boils down to is catch the eye of a few people, see who keeps looking, give them your best sexy eyes, and (9 times out of 10), BAM. Sexytimes. (Sometimes I literally think, “I want to bang you” while looking at them, just to make sure I’m conveying the right message.)
I JUST noticed the dog in the picture
Get a load of that dog!!
Indeed! Is that Mr. Wilson or are there even more adorable Toast spaniels out there?
Toasties, do any of you have motivational/fitness type quotes that you like?
My school’s doing a design contest for a big wall in the campus gym. I’d like to enter some kind of type-based thing (especially because of the size and the short time frame) but they want something gym-related and there’s just so many terrible motivational quotes out there.
I’m having a hard time sorting through the crap to find something that’s motivational but not straight-up unhealthy, especially with the wide variety of students that would be seeing it.
Would appreciate any ideas!
P.S.: This is for an exceptionally nerdy school, so if the quote is kind of goofy or pop culture related, that would still probably fly.
Here’s something in my “motivational” tag on tumblr, though I don’t know if it’s fitness-themed enough:
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”
Probably this is not school-suitable, but this tweet from the Rock is in my Inspirational Quotes file: “Being a true bad ass has no weight or gender requirement – just a 100% commitment to greatness.”
Since judo is my sport, I’m partial to Jigoro Kano (founder of judo) quotes: (I cannot promise that any of these are actually properly attributed)
If there is effort, there is always accomplishment.
It is not important to be better than someone else, but to be better than yesterday.
The man who is at the peak of his success and the man who has just failed are in exactly the same position. Each must decide what he will do next.
i don’t think it’s motivational necessarily, but the thing i say to myself anytime i get caught thinking about how much i don’t want to work out is: “stop thinking about it. put on your gym clothes and go.”
Nowhere else to put this, so I’ll share it with you fine friends:
A friend I’ve had for 8-10 years just decided she’s “not comfortable” following through with dinner plans we (along with her husband and my out-of-town boyfriend) had this Saturday. Why? Well, at my boyfriend’s behest, I’d emailed her on Tuesday to ask if she thought she might want to do something after dinner — have a drink, see a show, whatever, nothing specific. Just more time to hang out. She told me what she always does, which is she doubts she’ll be awake enough, she’ll probably be too full of food, they’ll have to pick their kid up from grandma’s super early on Sunday, blahblah. Fine, it’s what I expected. Then no more than 3-4 hours later, she emailed me to ask if I wanted to meet her and her other friends (who were also invited to dinner — no bad feelings there) for some show at some armpit downtown on Thursday.
My feelings were hurt, and I told her. “You can’t commit to spending a little more time out on a Saturday, but you’ll go into the city on a Thursday, because someone else asked you?” Now, I won’t pretend there wasn’t a little vitriol in my message, but frontmost was me letting her know I felt insulted.
Her response was basically that she should never have even asked me, and she can’t win with me since I’m mad if she invites me and I’m mad if she doesn’t. (The only time she “invites” me to anything is when she’s made plans with other people and at the last minute asks if I want to join them.) She escalated the situation with everything she had. I responded, something about how it wasn’t even my idea to ask her to begin with, since she NEVER says yes to me, and that it was actually my boyfriend’s idea (who barely knows them). I said, “I never expect you to say yes, and when you do, I’m always so happy to see you.” But then yes, I had to put a stinger after that, something about how “…since your life is so much harder than everyone else’s.”
I feel like the heart of what happened was I was hurt and insulted by someone I care about, I let her know that I was hurt and insulted, and she doubled down.
And people wonder why so many people are so fucking passive aggressive. What good is it to tell someone how you really feel when their reaction is, so often, “Well, have a nice life then.”
Sometimes other people just don’t put in the effort. And sometimes that’s lopsided too- where they seem to have new friends they will put in the effort for, or spouses that come first or whatever.
I don’t think its completely wrong how you felt, but it is perhaps just a little bit unfair? I could see it from her point of view where she felt bad she didn’t have enough time to give you saturday, so she offered you something else, even if it was a crappy alternative to what you hoped for? You aren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and thinking through why she didn’t want to stay longer on saturday (perhaps because its the only time she and her husband get the house to themselves on a weekend night, and it has nothing to do with how much she loves you, they just want to sit naked on the couch or something).
I think as an outside stranger, it sounds like you both doubled down and you aren’t giving each other the benefit of having good intentions right now. That probably means there’s something brewing from a while back- this isn’t the first time this happened, or you’ve both had life changes that affect how you interact.
I’ve been there and hit below the belt with friends before and I know how it is to feel righteous and defensive that the other person is in the wrong, but in 100% of the situations we resolved we both had to clear the air and understand each other to fix the friendship.
If you thought through what keeps hurting in this friendship is it that she only will hang out with you when other people make plans? Is that an insult or just the way she is with everyone? Is it that you try more than she does? Is that something you could accept or do you need it to be equal? Do you go to her more than she comes to you? Do you make fun of the things she invites you to (“armpit”)?
I feel for you going through this, but I think perhaps you need a bit of tough love right now to point out that you don’t have to be friends with someone who makes you feel resentment like you are feeling and to make you ask how fair your resentment is? If my friends get childcare and travel just to hang out with me I feel grateful, even if it’s not for as long as I want it to be. If they invite me somewhere I don’t like, I just decline politely and offer an alternative plan. I think you want someone to tell you that she’s rude, but…I’m having a hard time doing that based on what you wrote.
Thank you for your time and thought. But…no. I didn’t document 5 years of backstory that led me to this place…didn’t really think I needed to.
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me anything. Really I just wanted to get some of it out in a forum with people who don’t know her and wouldn’t feel the need to “choose sides” or even have an opinion. You know how some people are, they have to offer advice even when it isn’t asked for.
This is someone I’ve known for a long time, and she and I have even had this conversation before. It’s why I stopped inviting her to things, even though at least once a week she tells me how “boring” her life is, how “old” she feels, and how she “lives vicariously” through me. I give her more than a little benefit of the doubt, I do with all my friends. But I’m over being grateful just to be nominated with some people. They didn’t get a babysitter to see me; her MIL asked to take the kid for an overnighter. They ASK to take the kid, and she’ll still use motherhood as an excuse. Martyrdom is easier than leaving the house, after all.
And you’re right, I don’t need to be friends with someone who makes me feel this much resentment. I gave us both the opportunity to clear this up — I readily admit that I could have been gentler, but after saying the same thing enough times, to hell with it. I think this friendship has run its course. I’m frustrated, and I’m sad about it, but I’m at peace with my part in it.
*excuse any iPad typing/formatting weirdness. I can only see 2 lines at a time.
It sure sounds like this fight was the culmination of a lot, A LOT, of frustration from both of you. Could you maybe take a break from this particular relationship for a bit? It doesn’t sound like either of you are in a good place with it 🙁
Sorry, responded before I read the whole thread. Feel free to ignore my earlier comment.
I’m sorry your friendship is ending.
In reading your post, I just thought, wow, if this is based on this one thing, its intense for both of you, but I really don’t know the backstory and I’m not sure if you wanted to vent or to decide where to go next. I definitely do always offer advice, I hope even if it was unhelpful it was helpfully unhelpful in making you go, “no that’s not the situation at all rando internet stranger, you don’t get what the issue is, this is the issue”
I’ve definitely lost some long term friends at various points- some people just…don’t care enough to maintain friendships especially if they get married or move or whatever. It sucks, it can be as hard or harder than a breakup in a romantic relationship. For a few of those friends, we did hash it out later when we were less mad and came to be better friends afterwards, but there are other people with whom I just…can’t be bothered. Sounds like thats this friend.
Saturdays are not Thursdays, do not include the same activities. It is possible her Saturday routine requires lots more energy than would Thursday. I have days like that and they are not negotiable.
I mentioned knowing her for 8-10 years in hopes of communicating I know a little about her life. She isn’t a casual acquaintance. I’d have NEVER asked her to do anything on a Thursday, since she’s usually in bed by 8.30 on a weeknight.
I think I sympathize with her situation (although obviously you know the full situation better than I do). I’m an introvert with limited energy and often have to make choices prioritizing what social activities I’ll participate in because if I commit to too many in one week I just feel tired all the time. Maybe she saw this as a compromise – she wasn’t willing to give up that extra time on Saturday (could be she looks forward to getting to bed early on Saturdays), but thought maybe inviting you along for something she’d already committed to Thursday would fill that gap? If it’s something like that, maybe it’s just an issue of unsuccessful communication?
That LR article on millennials, childcare and gender roles touched a nerve.
My partner (male) and I (female) want to have kids several years down the road and I’ve been thinking about the domestic/childcare labor split. My partner has a high stress job that requires lots of hours (research scientist) and I have always prioritized work that’s low stress and leaves me free time over prestige or money. If there are so many work hours in a week between office and home, it makes sense that I do more of the at-home labor. Plus, I genuinely like childcare and most domestic work. But the feminist in me feels uneasy. My dad was a stay-at-home dad, I’m not used to traditional gender roles! Any advice? Anyone else struggling with this?
My inclination is just to swallow my insecurities (after talking about them with my partner) and accept that our personalities and priorities just happened to fall in the traditional gender dynamic and that says nothing about me as a feminist.
Hmmm… I don’t know about that. I work from home and have introvert hobbies and some people might perceive that as a result I have “more time” to do dish washing and laundry but I think that my partner spends his equal 24 hours doing things he chooses and enjoys so I ought to be able to do that as well. Even if those things look a lot like “sitting around.”
No concrete advice, but I’m going to go ahead and say that it really, really doesn’t say anything about you as a feminist. The role you choose to play in partnership and parenthood is just that—your choice!
I definitely understand why you’d feel uneasy about it, and certainly if/when the time comes, you’ll want to be sure the labor split really IS equitable given all the factors involved. But whether or not it will make you appear to be performing feminism adequately probably isn’t that important a criterion in major life decisions.
I really think that it’s about how the decision happens, not what the decision is. As long as it’s a conversation about what each of you genuinely wants and enjoys that ensures that both of you feel good about the amount of labor you’re taking on, it’s totally consistent with feminism. Maybe ask yourselves some probing questions about why the roles are falling the way they are, but you can’t rearrange your life in a way you don’t actually like just so it doesn’t happen to fall along traditional lines.
Ex: My brother was mostly stay at home dad for the first year or so of my nephew’s life because he was working a few adjunct jobs and she was working full-time as a high school teacher. Later on he got more work, and she was starting to hate her job and really wanted to be a full-time Mom, so they switched it up. The second arrangement doesn’t strike me as remotely less feminist because it’s what she really wanted to do and they negotiated from a place of ‘it would be totally reasonable for either of us to do more of the childcare, but what makes the most sense with what each of us want?”
I am currently pregnant. My husband and I both work and make a similar amount of money. My job requires me to be in the office M-F, 8-5. His has a heavy travel aspect (~25%), but when he’s home, he works from home and has a great deal of flexibility.
My current wish is to quit my job for a year or two to stay home with the kid. There’s a lot of other stuff going on around that. Particularly that I’m ambivalent about my current career and would like some time to consider everything. My husband is pushing my to continue to work, at least part time, not because we need the money, but just as a way for me to get out of the house and continue to have a life after the kid. And he’s totally on board with cutting back on travel and being home with the kid when I’m at work.
But part of me just doesn’t entirely trust that, and I think it’s all the society pressure about the mom stays home and the dad works. And also, I want to stay home with the kid. I don’t want to miss first words or first steps or anything. I want to have time to focus more on writing and volunteering.
Which is all to say that, yes, it’s a struggle. And I’ll probably end up being a a statistic, another drop of water lost out the leaky pipe of STEM. But maybe I’ll get back to it in a few years? I don’t know. I try to worry less about Feminism in general and focus more on what works for me as an individual when I come at these decisions.
Second what others are saying about not worrying about being a good feminist.
As someone who did the stay-at-home mother gig (his job was well-paid with good benefits, I’m an artist, nuff said) and as someone who struggled to negotiate or even to have these discussions (in the environment I was raised in, there were no discussions, no negotiations, no dissenting opinions or even valid preferences, only “the way things were” and things you had to do, and it’s taken me decades to learn how to articulate my views, and I’m still working on it), here’s some random comments about my rather unsuccessful dealings with this issue:
It doesn’t matter how high stress or how many hours his job is, him doing only his job and me doing everything else is not a fair allocation of labour. Even if my financial contribution was zero. His job is not a get-out-of-housework-and-childcare-free card. The working person has a lot of power to unilaterally decide how this goes, since they can just not step up, and whatreyagonnadoaboutit. I think it’s important that every adult person contributes and gets their hands dirty. From Barbara Ehrenreich’s Nickle and Dimed (she’s talking about paid house-cleaning but it’s still applicable):
“To be cleaned up after is to achieve a certain magical weightlessness and immateriality. Almost everyone complains about violent video games, but paid house-cleaning has the same consequence-abolishing effect: you blast the villain into a mist of blood droplets and move right along; you drop the socks knowing they will eventually levitate, laundered and folded, back to their normal dwelling place. The result is a kind of virtual existence in which the trail of litter that follows you seems to evaporate all by itself. Spill syrup on the floor and the cleaning person will scrub it off when she comes on Wednesday. Leave your newspaper scattered around your aeroplane seat and the flight attendants will deal with it. A servant economy may provide opportunities, however limited, for poor and immigrant women. But it also breeds callousness and solipsism in the served…”
I don’t think that an able-bodied person can be served in this way, have everything done for them, expect to have these things done for them, and still view those who serve them as equals. I don’t care if you’re a fucking billionaire CEO, you should still clean up after yourself and participate in all aspects of raising your children, even if it’s only some of the time. It doesn’t matter if you can afford to have someone else do it, you need to do it yourself, if only to minimize the inevitable erosion of respect for the people who serve you.
I met my partner at work. I used to do his kind of job. I know what it entails. I know the pressures. I also know that you never know all of what a job is until you do it. Whether you’re observing someone else, or even if you take over for a short period of time, like covering the necessary tasks while they’re on vacation, you never really understand it fully until it’s your job. As the stay-at -home parent, I know that job too. He, on the other hand, has never done the stay-at-home parent job. Yet, he thought he was just as qualified to opine on what a fair division of labour was.
The Cherrypicker Helper: During the baby years, my partner had health issues. The kind that doctors tend to dismiss or have a hard time diagnosing. Like fibromyalgia, though it wasn’t that. So, yes, I tried to be more accommodating. He would, when he felt up to it, offer to help. He would pat himself on the back for this. After some gentle and tactful comments, I finally bluntly told him the offers were next to useless. I had to be prepared to do 100% of the job every day, and coming to me half an hour before the kid’s lesson offering to drive them was not alleviating the burden. I could not depend on him to do anything. And the arrangement where he offers when he feels he’s able is grossly unfair because it assumes that I am never sick. I don’t ever get to feel I’m not able.
Have you read that famous Emotional Labor thread? https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBR…
Or seen that thing about time debt that Melinda Gates is talking about?
I think it’s ok to arrange your household however you like and you don’t have to stop calling yourself a feminist. But when you say that your “personalities and priorities just happened to fall in the traditional gender dynamic”… I think that it plays out that way not just because of your innate personalities when you were born as tiny babies, but all the gendered messages culture gives you each about what to like and how to be and all the steps along the way.
If you have a jar in front of you, and it’s full of 200 black marbles and 3 red ones, and your partner has a jar of 200 red marbles and 3 black ones, its not really just that it happened to work out that as usual he got the red marble and you got the black one.
If a house has a certain innate number of hours required to maintain it- say 7 hours in a week means you have laundry, dishes and groceries, and you both have jobs which you both chose of your own free will, why does the fact that he picked more hours in his job, and you picked less mean you take 6 hours of housework and he takes 1? Is the labor of maintaining a family and a home truly transferrable like that? And should it be related to who performs better in the economy? If he lost his job would he instantly say, “ok I’m taking all 7 hours”?
When you do the math are you saying, because of the pay disparity or because he spends more hours in the office than you, you owe the house more labor? It could also mean, you get to have a hobby and he doesn’t, because you gave yourself that time and lack of stress.
If your partner was in his job, and was single, who would do the housework? No one? Would he pay someone else to do it? There would still be work at home that needed doing to live in his life, and you wouldn’t be there to do it. How would food land on his table and shirts go from the laundry basket to his closet? How did they before you met?
If you (god forbid), died during childbirth would your husband not have to provide childcare simply because he has a demanding job?
I understand the idea of looking at the overall contributions and the allotment of time in a partnership means that a lot of time it makes sense to divide up, but the idea is that when we treat housework and childcare as transferrable off the male partner’s shoulders, it helps reinforce the idea that it was never supposed be half their job too if they have a female person in their life.
Imagine if every person in the world had a dog. And whenever a man met a woman, people started calling both dogs her dogs. And being like, “well of course it makes sense that you walk both the dogs, he has a more important job than you do!” And if he took his dog out for a walk everyone stopped him and said, “you still walk your dog! How nice of you, I hope your wife appreciates what a good person you are to babysit your dog!”
Our idea of nuclear families from 1950 was the man goes to the office and the wife runs the house and the kids. Wife WAS your job description. Now when most families are 2 income, why is the wife still running the home and also working and caring for children and that makes sense too, because her job is less pay and less importance, how did her list of responsibilities expand while men actually are now only responsible for between 75% to 50% of going to work and getting an income in a dual earner household?
I don’t blame any individual couple from making the default choice when looking at the stacked deck. I don’t think its a big deal if you like taking care of kids and doing laundry. But just…it is a default. It’s hard to opt out. To opt out you have to get very lucky or be able to buy your way out or maybe even pick an arrangement that makes less sense for your family just to preserve some equality. (See also, the issue of changing names in marriage and naming children)
Topical to my point: http://apracticalwedding.com/2016/03/wife-money-s…
Here’s another one from 2007 (posting the relevant part because there’s a lot of garbage blaming of women in there). It’s based on a 2003 study so we’ve known how this goes for well over a decade:
“It wasn’t supposed to work this way. When women embraced the role of providing for the family, they were also expected to take on some of the family power that flows from economic might, and men were supposed to start acting like co-caregivers by performing more of the female roles, tending home and offspring. Sociologists predicted they’d see the effect of an “exchange theory” in families: The more money a wife contributed to the family till, the more unpaid household and childcare work she could “buy” out of. They long believed that exchange theory would eventually be the undoing of gender roles. They were wrong. Some husbands of breadwinner wives have embraced their role as keeper of the hearth and home, but they are few and far between.
Exchange theory works to a point. Men increased their housework by a maximum of 2.5 hours a week (to 20 hours) when their wives’ contribution to family income rose from zero percent to 50 percent, according to a study done by a team of Australian and US sociologists, published in the July 2003 issue of the American Journal of Sociology. But even when they earned 50 percent of the household income, wives in this study group did 40 hours of housework a week, double what their husbands did at their peak housework performance…
The same study showed that when women start contributing more than 50 percent to the family income, the amount of housework the husband does actually begins to fall and continues to fall as the wife’s earnings climb. And here’s the really depressing part: The study also reported that when a wife becomes a family’s sole provider, she often does even more housework than when she contributes half the income. ”
http://archive.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/art…
If you’re doing more of the at-home labour, this is a shift away from your priorities of having more free time and less stress. I mean, kids will always take up time and cause stress? But your partner needs to share that with you, I think. I hope that makes sense.
I am so late to the thread but wanted to share with you all that I’m on the search committee for a chancellor position, and am tickled that so many old white men have decided to tell me that we really don’t need another old white man.
Puppy advice, please! My husband and I really want a dog, but we’ve talked ourselves out of it until now because we usually spend several weeks a year in Australia, and it seems unfair on a dog to board it for that long. We’ve been thinking about getting a rabbit instead, but we really want a more interactive pet. Can anyone reassure me that a dog wouldn’t really be sad if we found a good pet sitter for a few weeks at a time? Or that a rabbit would be a fun pet (or would a rabbit be sad, too)? I’m allergic to cats, unfortunately, or we’d already have one.
I had a doggy in grad school (still do, he is 16 now, a little fuzzy grumpy old man). We went on two long trips, 3 weeks each. I had a friend who liked dogs stay in our place to watch the dog. Dog had a blast with him. I probably would have felt bad putting him in a kennel for that long, but stay over pet sitter is a great option.
I’ve heard rabbits are easily stressed out/anxious animals, so it might be worse for them than for dogs? A dog breed that’s more sociable probably wouldn’t have an issue with a pet sitter, especially if it’s someone they know/consistently the same person.
Look for a labrador mix. They’re generally pretty sunny and adaptable. My lab mix has tried to leave the dog park with other families! She loves going to the dog day care that boards her. We got her from another family when she was a year old and she was never sad or homesick. She’s not smart, but that’s actually really helpful.
Our other dog was very intelligent, but he liked a routine and only wanted his people. The only place we could leave him overnight was at my in laws and even then it was upsetting for him.
If you go to a shelter or a rescue, let them know you are looking for a social dog that is adaptable to new situations. Be really clear about what you need.
My husband likes the idea of a smart dog, but I’m glad to have another argument on my side in favour of an affectionate doofus (my family had a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who was not even the sharpest crayon in the spaniel box, but so snuggly and adorable).
Yes! I wouldn’t call my family’s spaniel *stupid*. It’s more that all his intelligence is devoted to getting attention, snuggles, and proximity to his person, so that there’s no intelligence left over to e.g. remember to lift his leg when he pees.
But that also means that he doesn’t waste brain cells on guarding against intruders, protecting his people from Enemies, or otherwise nursing neuroses. The result is an easygoing affectionate snugglebug.
Get a dog! Do it!
Rabbits in my experience mainly just want to be left alone? I mean, you can hang out with a rabbit, but they either don’t care or actively wish you were not doing that thing. Also they poop, just, absolutely everywhere. (Apologies to anyone who loves rabbits. There are a number of great rabbits in the world & I am sure that your rabbits are in that category.)
Anyways, dogs! If you get a chill dog that can go hang out at someone else’s house, they will probably be super into that, because every new place means there are more friends, and also more things to smell. If you have an unchill dog (e.g., my dog), your unchill dog can be taught that the kennel has peanut butter, and then they will literally tow you into the kennel in their excitement over the forthcoming peanut butter. This might be more complicated if you get a special needs dog, but honestly there are a lot of dogs in the world, so I guess just keep in mind that whatever dog you get will need to cope with the occasional Dog Vacation? I am somewhat oversimplifying dog psychology, but in general, I would say that most dogs are mostly okay with any situation where there are a number of friends and also a number of snacks.
The nearby rabbit rescue claims all their rabbits are litterbox trained (which was another point in favour of rabbits), but yeah, the most sociable rabbit description I’ve seen was “will choose to sit next to you”, which would be cute, but not as fun as a dog. Thanks!
Eh? Rabbits love being petted. Mine often will head-nudge me when he wants to be petted. And he is very well litter box trained (he only poops outside the box when he is in High Dudgeon, perhaps because I’ve been traveling, and expresses his annoyance through Protest Poops). He also frolics when happy (at a minimum, every morning at breakfast time). And does ear-waggles and shimmies.
I think it varies a lot by breed, though, and also by how much the rabbit is interacted with (versus caged, alone, bored). Mine is a Dutch Dwarf, and they were crossed with wild rabbits not too long ago, so they are are a bit more anxious than other breeds but also smarter and quite lively (and bossy).
And it’s true, they are not attuned to you like a dog would be — no other animal is.
Seconding advice that if you do get a dog before your long trip, find an in-home dog sitter for him! Either your home or their home. We use the site DogVacay to find pet sitters for our lab mix when we go out of town, and it’s perfect. Perfect for our dog, because he gets one-on-one attention from people in their home, he goes on walks, can keep his normal schedule, etc. Perfect for us because we can get updates daily from the hosts about how he’s doing. It’s also SIGNIFICANTLY CHEAPER than boarding him somewhere.
Thanks for all your advice! I’ll go back to browsing petfinder guilt-free 🙂
Everyone here is correct, I think. It’s very dependent on dog breed and personality. Some dogs would be harmed by consecutive weeks of separation. Some dogs would be very happy with a sitter in their own home. Weeks in a kennel is awfully hard on any dog.
And why a puppy? If you get an adult dog from a rescue their personality will be fully formed, predictable.
Yeah, I’m all about adopting dogs at least a year old. You are much, much more likely to know what you’re getting.
I was really just using puppy as the more fun word to say. 🙂 Good point about predictability.
I think if it’s a person’s home (maybe even one with a dog your dog likes) vs a kennel, your dog would be fine. And very excited to see you when you return.
I’d say just check the local rates on DogVacay and Rover to get a feel for what the cost would be and if you do get one see if you can try a few people out (unless you find someone perfect on the first try) for shorter trips before you leave for that long.
Rabbits are interactive and social — that would stress them out too. But you could do it. You should get at least 2 rabbits, though, so that they have each other when you’re gone (and they should be a bonded pair or a bonded trio — i.e. rabbits that get along and have decided to be part of the same rabbit warren, metaphorically speaking — if you look it up online you’ll see what I mean). And then be prepared for the rabbits to let you know how they feel once you return from your trip (but they’ll get over it).
Dunno about dogs.
Am I too late to post? I hope not – I have a pen pal dilemma! For the past few months I’ve been emailing this friend of mine who is spending a year in underdeveloped regions alone on a fellowship. We met a few years ago during a semester off-campus study program. We were peer review partners and there *might* have been something there(??) – but at the time I was pretty sold on the idea that I was going to end up with this boy back at school, so I didn’t bother investigating.
Now I’m in grad school, the boy from undergrad didn’t pan out, and I’ve started emailing this peer review partner/world traveler friend of mine again. Around the holidays he sent out a particularly lonely note to this email list he has to let people know he’s still alive, and I started responding. It’s mostly just me sending him light, funny stories about trying to be an adult (opening a bottle of wine with toolbox tools, dealing with my first mouse, etc.) so he’s always sure to have something cheery in his inbox whenever he has access to a computer. He responds as he can, which is RIDICULOUS. It’s a really nice thing that I look forward to, but I’m afraid I’m teetering on the edge of developing feelings for him. And I’m LOSING.
I’m wary of getting over-invested in this person I probably won’t see again – and I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Should I just stop sending him notes? I’d started this project as a “cheer up and know someone’s thinking about you” sort of decent-people-don’t-let-friends-feel-lonely thing, but now I worry that I’m bothering him with unsolicited attention. Have I watched The Shop Around the Corner one too many times? I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to feel!
I think this is lovely and sweet. The main question for me is–how does he respond? Does he seem like he’s enjoying the back and forth?
He does seem to enjoy the back and forth – although his responses are understandably brief due to limited email access. But they are always thoughtful and friendly- as he is a generally thoughtful and friendly person.
I don’t know what this part means, ” He responds as he can, which is RIDICULOUS.” ?? What is ridiculous? (That’s for my own curiosity’s sake, it has nothing to do with my reply.)
I think my questions would be, do you think you are able to fall in one sided imaginary love easily? (Like in a movie when one person is in love and the other person doesn’t know they exist?) Are you an imaginative dreamer when it comes to love, and you can spin a whole future from a few clues when you have a crush based on someone you only know a little bit?
And, do you have lots of crushes or generally just one at a time? Do you tend to focus in on one person even if it’s just crush stage not dating stage?
If you answer yes to both, then I think you probably might want to step back just a bit- if you know you can fall in love just from how you feel getting the emails back and writing to him, without him saying anything romantic to you, and you know that while you are thinking about him, it’ll close off other choices, then maybe it’s good to be like, “okaaay this isn’t a good idea for me to get hung up on a relative stranger who lives across the world”.
In that case I’d just switch it up to tell him, “I cant write every week anymore, because I got busier, but I promise when you send me an email I’ll write back, and let me know if you need someone to talk to and I can be around, FRIEND.” Then try and make sure you keep your reply email about the same length as his.
If you are maybe developing a crush but you’d still go out on a date with someone who asked you that lived where you live, than I wouldn’t worry about it that much.
If you are uncertain about if the emails are too much, you could just ask. You could say, “hey is this too much emailing? I like sending you notes from my week and I know you can’t reply in detail, but does that work for you?” It’s really the best way to know what other people think.
In summary, I would keep this going as long as it’s not taking you away from things in your own life to give to someone else’s life if they don’t need it. That’s my general take on sweet gestures. Don’t make em if the other person is like “eh” at your hard work or if you know it’s going to upset you if they don’t care for it, or if it stops you from doing something for yourself, but otherwise, go for it.
What lovely and astute advice. Thank you – I appreciate your help more than I can say. I’ll try to respond from top to bottom in a list:
1. That wasn’t very clear, was it? I was going for “RIDICULOUS” as in, “Whoa! Who would expect someone on the other side of the world to respond at all to my dumb kitchen cabinet story? What a nice surprise!”
2. In answer to your extremely apt questions (have you actually known me all my life?), I think my answers are yes and a half? Yes, I become deeply attached to people without much romantic encouragement from the other direction. And yes, I’m very loyal to those feelings- and it’s tempting not to bother with other, more immediate possibilities. But at the same time, I do enjoy going on dates, and am open to the idea of seeing people in my area. Now, will I approach these dates as romantic possibilities as long as pen pal has my loyal affection, or will I consider them as fun, social things and nothing more? Jury’s still out on that one.
3. Your advice on toning it down and asking him about the emails is extremely sound. EXTREMELY sound. All of this advice – so sound. Really, truly, thank you. I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Haha.
1. Aww, I bet your stories are nice and not dumb and grounding for him in a strange place.
2. No…but I relate to that kind of crush- I have always had the kinds of crushes that leap forward in my head and play the fantasy all the way out, even if it’s someone I just barely know. I have a sneaking suspicion I’m a bit older than you based on assumptions about how old you are, and I really remember falling in love like that in college and grad school.
It’s fun except if that person is in the back of your mind as your real soulmate, it’s hard to focus on anyone in front of you. And it’s easier too, right? Like, of course it didn’t work out with this dude with his dumb nose hairs, my dream guy (who I can’t have problems with because he’s not around to let me see his nose hair) is across the world and when he comes back it’ll be perfect and always sexy!
3. good! I’m glad. Easiest way to know what someone thinks is ask em.
Hi Toasties. It’s my first time commenting with my new WordPress name, and I feel like it’s a leeeeetle over-the-top (I made it recently for a private blog). All my previous comments were under “wickedtongue” and I wasn’t registered for anything.
Moving on…I could use some venting space or possibly advice?
What do you do if you think one of your Facebook friends from college is married to an abusive, horrifyingly hateful person? Because that’s happening to someone in my college friend circle, and none of us can figure out a damn thing we can do about it. None of us know how to get in touch with her through non-Facebook means, although several people live near their area.
At first we thought maybe it was in our heads. Maybe she just didn’t post on Facebook because she had a kid and was busy! Her husband tags her in all his ranting, hateful posts about LGBT people and why any Christian who disagrees with him must be a secret atheist (this has been happening a lot more frequently). She never comments on those either, although occasionally she’ll post an anti-abortion link.
A friend dug up a post from a few years back about their marriage, in which the husband described a) how her friends and family told her not to marry him “for idiotic reasons” b) gave her an ultimatum c) he decided to go see her one last time “because she had not apologized for her part in our conflict” and brought her roses and a card d) got married two months later despite all the influences in her life telling her not to marry him up until the final hour she walked down the aisle. Yeah. This was framed as a romantic anniversary story, and a belief in God’s plan for the husband.
Does she have any contact with anyone right now? Her family? Friends? This guy has argued with any Christian gently pointing out that actively, loudly hating LGBT people is perhaps not doing God’s work and that love is the greatest commandment (like, even the mildest of theological criticism). He fully believes that he is the ONLY true interpreter of the Bible. So…something makes me think they maybe aren’t even attending Sunday services anywhere, which would take away the final place our friend B. could go to.
We literally cannot prove a thing. We have no way with getting in touch with her (if he obsessively tags her in his posts and she never posts at all unless it’s random abortion link, does she even have control over her Facebook?) We don’t even know her family. More and more people are watching as this guy veers into seeming instability. If he heaps verbal abuse onto those who politely disagree with him (and damns to hell anybody who gives him a bad Google review for his plumbing business), what the hell does he act like in person, at home, with his wife and toddler son?
It feels criminal to stand and watch.
We’re planning on inviting her to a reunion next year via Facebook (the invite will be coming from a person who is not really on Facebook, and so has never made a negative comment about him), but I can’t say we’re really expecting an answer. But what else can we do?
Geez. That’s not easy to witness and yet be so helpless about. Can someone who lives in the area invite her to coffee through Facebook just in a neutral, “let’s catch up!” way? Maybe using the upcoming reunion excitement as an excuse?
Maybe she doesn’t respond, and you’re back to square one, but at least it’s an attempt.
That’s a good plan. The reunion is…not yet even scheduled or rumored yet, it’s just a plan taking shape slowly between 4 or 5 of us (there are at least 12 people we’d invite), that we haven’t gone public with.
She’s in (big city in Texas), and it’s hard to know who in that area (who has not been arguing with her husband), has been watching the situation enough to be the one to reach out. When you rule out a) men and b) the uppity women friends who argue with her husband…things get a little thin on the ground…but maybe there’s someone we can deploy from a different city to ask for a “catch up,” while she’s in town.
So is this someone you never see in RL and only know about from her husband’s FB activity? That’s really tricky. I know how horrifically transfixing FB trainwrecks are, but they’re also almost impossible to intervene in unless you have RL connections. And it’s honestly a coin flip whether or not it’s really representative of their home life.
I think planning to invite her to a reunion is a good idea. Is she geographically removed from all of you? Hang out with her in person, if possible, but if it’s not — yeah, I just don’t see a way to get involved that will work out at all.
Yeah…it’s a trainwreck for sure. And we have no way of knowing, at all, except by her silence and his endless, horrible walls of text.
And I’m not sure any of us have RL connections anymore. Some people are in the same city, for sure, because it’s Texas, and a lot of Texans stay there.
Oof, that sounds incredibly hard. I’ve heard good things about this book (gonna copy and paste the link because my iPad likes to mess with my html): http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Famili…
Thank you!
One of my good friends married a dude like this. And the toast gave me great advice so I’ll pass it on to you. There is really only 1 thing you can do and that’s support her. Do your best to get in contact with her, maybe start through Facebook messaging and migrate elsewhere. And once you’re in contact with her it’s probably best to stay resolutely neutral on the terrible husband. She won’t listen to reason about him, it will only make her defensive. It sucks. Hardcore.
Thank you! Staying neutral is really key, which is why some of us are already out as potential contacts, as he would almost certainly see as bad influences.
Would the police make a health and wellness check? Without tipping off the abusive husband? Would the police create some kind of ruse to get her out of the house for questioning, to ask if she feels safe? Can we trust Texas police? Anyone in her city know a policewoman who could give advice?
It all feels so scary. You’re a good friend.
It’s hard to say…I don’t think we have quite enough evidence to take to the police…just growing suspicions based on context and, well, walls of text.
Thanks for the suggestion!
You could also talk to the police yourself to find out how you could help, in what situations they can do what. They may have family violence liaison officers which can be particularly helpful, or community liaison officers.
You’re sure there is no church community around her? Of course sometimes those communities won’t shield someone from a crazy husband, but sometimes they will.
It sounds very worrisome. Could someone go visit with some baby presents or something?
I wish I felt like a good friend. We weren’t terribly close in the group, and she wasn’t my favorite person for some reasons that seem kind of silly and superficial…but I do care about her. She’s unique and friendly and good-hearted, and it’s an ugly thought, that this guy might have crushed that in some way.
Can you write her cards? What if you sent her cards on standard holidays, without too much message in them? Address the card to both him and her, and be like, “Hi Sarah and Jeff, Merry Christmas. I miss you Sarah, hope I’ll meet you one day Jeff, hey if you ever have time for a phone date, my new number is, x-y-z, if you have facetime I could show you around my apartment, I think you’d love that painting of cookies I have in the hall.”
If you don’t have the address, send her a fb message, being like, “hey wanted to send you guys an easter card, realized I don’t have your new address, what is it?”
My thought on this is that you can’t pull someone out of abuse, but you can give them a feeling that someone else cares for them and doesn’t judge them. Even the most hateful guy is going to be hard pressed to come up with reasons to be mad someone sent a card, if it never gets personal. If you then each just take the time to send a card on regular christian holidays, she’d know people still care.
Like depression or addiction, you cannot save someone from an abusive relationship, it’s something they have to walk from. Also like addiction and depression, the trickiest part is that if you say, “oh I think you have a problem here” they might cut you out for pointing out something they don’t want to hear/judging them, etc. All you can do is remind them of the outside world, and people who love them as themselves separate from the relationship. So a card might feel so minor to you and might actually be life-saving.
Please be careful about rushing to conclusions based on Facebook. For all you know, he sees it as a platform to let out his vitriol but is otherwise self-restrained and your friend is just too busy to post.
Right now, the best immediate way to help her is reach out and show her you care. Send her a message to catch up where you mention your phone number. Ask her what a good way to stay in touch is because you’ve noticed she doesn’t use Facebook much. This will at least give her more reliable ways of getting in touch with you and the other way around. I like eegghh’s card idea too.
I agree with what everyone else said. Becoming closer to her and showing her you care might make it a lot easier for her to feel like there’s a supportive person in her life (you) when or if she decides to reach out to someone.
Toasties – Dating advice? Long description in reply.
So I am an Old (44) straight female with a 9year old kid. I have happily not really dated since she was 5-ish (I have an “I see him at a conference twice-a-year” hookup guy.) I think I am ready to stick my toe back in the water. While I’m not looking for leading-to-marriage-or-living-together kind of thing, I am looking for something slightly more in depth than hooking up. (Like, my ideal would be to see someone one or two nights during the week and on the weekends, but also to have my alone time — does that exist in reality?) Also, I am thinking that it would be nice to date an actual grown-up, rather than a man-child, which aptly describes my most serious exes (and is totally my own fault, I have had terrible taste/instincts).
But – I don’t even know where to start on the whole dating thing. Last time I tried online dating it was maybe 2008, and mostly I learned that online profiles appear to be creative writing exercises?
I am a little nervous. Any advice would be welcome.
You can do it! I used to use OKC; why not just add what you said here? My general online dating advice is to initiate contact, send messages to lots of people, expect nothing, block as needed right away, and meet sooner rather than later.
Thanks – v. solid advice.
I met my partner on OKC when I was 44! (two years ago now)
Alluvial_Fan has given great advice; and I would add – trust your instincts and have high standards.
My mother’s dating advice to me in my forties was: Women are looking for different things at different ages and stages. In our 20s, there might be more emphasis on shared values, and evaluating as potential parent. In our 40s (and older), running our own lives and looking after ourselves and kids – we might place a higher value on companionship. We’re not auditioning a new dad for our kid(s) – we’re looking for someone who makes us feel great – who sees us and thinks “Wow, she’s awesome”
Thanks for sharing (your mom sounds pretty wise).
I’m back home, waiting for the jetlag to kick in. Up until now I’m just slightly nauseous and a bit disoriented…
+1 is bringing me comforting gyros. My brain is mush. I have a few days before I need to be back at work. I’m slightly scared of my inbox and that I won’t be able to fit back in there because things will have moved on while I was on that other continent…
I will miss the USA a lot. I will go back. Soon.
Hi toasts,
I’m super late to the game today, but I just need to get all this out to whoever wants to read and/or provide reassurance.
I have to go for a biopsy in my breast in three weeks. I’m excellent at compartmentalizing things, so when I found out on Tuesday and got the appointment time I went right back to work and ignored it because shit is crazy busy right now. Now I’m spending my time completing blocking out the thought of it or panicking that I’m not going to be able to pay my mortgage if it’s something serious.
They saw a shadow on my ultrasound but didn’t find anything on the mammogram, so they’re doing the biopsy just to safe. I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want to freak them out or burden them with worrying about something that could be nothing. But, if I tell people after the biopsy and it is something (can’t type the c word, no way)…well I don’t know.
Has anyone had a biopsy that ended up being nothing? Or just reassuring pictures of cats? I’m 32, I have multiple other health issues, so this isn’t exactly unexpected, but I’m think I’m realizing how scared I am of the unknown surrounding all of this.
I have Toast Hugs available and offer them to you.
Thank you for the hugs! Much appreciated.
My mom had a biopsy and it turned out to be nothing. I’m sorry it is scary. Will be thinking of you.
Um, Pema Chodran’s “Comfortable With Uncertainty” helps me deal with life in general, if you are looking for book-coping.
I’m a fan of book coping, so I will check it out. Thank you!
Sure thing (this gif cracks me up):
Toast hugs to you.
Love it! I can totally see my own cat doing this. Thank you!
That is legit scary, be sure to take care of yourself after you get it done. But my understanding is they’re very, very paranoid about this kind of thing, because it’s so much better to catch things early, so they end up biopsy-ing a lot of things that turn out to be nothing.
Thanks, that’s what I keep telling myself and that’s what all the techs said to me as well. I’m planning to take the whole day off, so that I don’t have any work stuff on my plate that day, which will hopefully help stress levels.
Toast hugs for you, and I find this cat to be super reassuring: http://edgebug.tumblr.com/post/139476829014
Adorable! Thank you
If it helps, my mom has had several biopsies done (the only reason I know this is that my dad is the “share the possibly iffy health news” dad, otherwise my mother has never mentioned them ever), and they all came up fine. So there’s that!
Thank you! That does help.
Toast hugs to you. I’ve had 4 biopsies- 2 skin and 2 cervix. All 4 times it wasn’t the c-word! I’ve had some abnormal cells each time but knowing that was good! It means my doctors can monitor me more closely and keep a couple abnormal cells from being something worse.
It’s statistically likely that you’re totally fine. You said it yourself, the doctor is doing it just to be safe. You’re still allowed to freak out a little though! That’s totally normal. If it would help to tell some friends, tell some friends! If/when the biopsy comes up clear you won’t have told them for nothing, a biopsy is something!
Breast cancer screening was always the example used in my biostatistics classes about sensitivity and specificity, because they want the screening to pick up everyone who does have a problem, but that also means a LOT of people who don’t have a problem get picked up in the first round of screening. It’s more likely than not that everything is fine, they just really don’t want to miss it in case something is wrong.
The reason they started recommending women get screened less often is actually to reduce the number of women who go through the painful experience of thinking they might have something wrong when they don’t. Your odds are good that that’s what’s happening for you now. It still sucks to be waiting and not knowing, of course, so more Toast Hugs from me!
I was told that 80% of biopsies turn out to be benign, and I had two that were benign. (One wasn’t, but obviously I turned out okay.) At least where I live in the US, if they really think it is cancer from the scans, that biopsy is one or two days after your mammo & ultrasound, not three weeks.
The fact that they are not rushing you is a very good sign.
Yes this. They squeezed me in the same day after my mammogram and mine still turned out to be nothing.
I’m always late to open thread, but speaking up to offer support. I’m early 30’s, I had a biopsy on a lump after a mammogram was inconclusive but worrying/strange-looking enough to warrant a biopsy. It was nothing!
I’m mostly healthy but have a family history of breast cancer so I was freaked out. Brain had already begun thinking about surgery etc. Didn’t really want to share it with anyone as it was happening. I went to a breast clinic at a hospital for diagnostics and biopsy, and was the youngest person there by decades. The other patients in the waiting room kept looking at me like they felt sorry for me. I think that was the weirdest/hardest part. The actual procedure was easy though kind of gross.
BUT IT WAS NOTHING! And now I know what my boobs look like on the inside so that’s kind of cool. You can get through this!
Is anyone else going to see Nicole & Mallory talk at Cornell in Ithaca next week? (And some other people will be talking, w/e). I was wondering if anyone wanted to meet up after and talk Toast?
Two weeks ago someone suggested that we all Google our parents and you guys, this is advice I should not have taken! My mom is the subject of a documentary that I just assumed was not legit and that nobody would see, but it turns out that it played all over North America and Europe, including my own tiny artsy Mayfair theatre here in Ottawa.
You guys, all the beardy hipsters in town saw a documentary about my mom what is this even.
NEW YORK JUST PASSED A LAW MANDATING PAID FAMILY LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*12 weeks
*for everyone, not just birthmothers
*also extends to caregiving for gravely ill relatives
*no “for businesses with 50+ employees” BS
*payment will match 67% of the state’s average weekly wage (this works out to about $850/week… for EVERYONE regardless of original income)
*only mandatory after 6 months at an employer but that’s still great
*starts phasing in on 1/1/18 (8 weeks and 50%) with full length and payment in full effect by 2021
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
One of my friends was part of the team that helped pass that bill and I am so enthusiastically proud to know him I’ve been cheering about this all day. YAY NY WE DID GOOD THIS TIME!
Also, its paid for directly from your own paycheck so businesses can’t complain that it cost them ANYTHING. And it’s a dollar a week, which means if this works, everyone is going to be like, hell I’ll put in 2 dollars a week if that means we all get double the time, or make it 3, why not!”
it’s super exciting. if it works it might be a very viable path to single payer healthcare.
Toasts! I just handed in a big work-related thing I’d been stressing out over, and now it’s DONE and OUT OF MY HANDS, and I’m about to go out with a colleague (who had to hand in a similar thing) for a literal cocktail hour to celebrate. That is all.
I was on the radio today. That’s all.
Did it go well?
It did! It was only 2 minutes, a quick chat and picking a song.
Ugh. . .I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or venting or what, but I’ve been having a terrible week for a lot of reasons and one of them relates to one specific task that got added to my job awhile back that I find ENORMOUSLY stressful, to the point where I’m having anxiety dreams and taking Xanax to face it. It’s not that it’s hard (it’s maintaining an excel phone directory across 12 offices, with a fairly frequent rate of change, and all changes have to be made in at least two places), and I don’t even know what it is that’s the problem–if it’s an executive function thing or I’ve made it into something because I kind of resent that this task somehow got attached to my marketing responsibilities, which I can at least pretend have some scope for me to do well at, and nothing like this was part of the original deal? That it involves having to get information from lots of different people, not always the same people every time, and usually get yelled at for it not being done when literally no one is answering my e-mails about what the stupid extension for a new guy is? That I get yelled at and told that I haven’t been doing my job because someone looked up “First Last” as “Last First” and insisted I was lying about having added them? Part of it is that it has to be done in constant, interrupting bits of one at a time, where as one of my anxiety/fibro strategies is to try to do similar tasks together, whereas this I’m constantly going back and forth between that and the awful website platform we use and the actual marketing stuff.
Some other things: I work for my father (and I have so much shame about that), but with another person directly over me. (I also started teaching at one of the City Colleges, so I’m over-extended, but I really wanted the teaching experience)/ My father, and other attorneys, are frequently giving me more and more marketing type assignments, and all of those everyone has been thrilled with the presentation/writing/editing and I was supposed to be moving into doing more of that, AND moving our website to a less-awful host (by the way, my boss still guilt trips me about leaving our old host although she was part of and signed off on that decision), but my boss unilaterally decided we can’t move the website (even though in the long run that would hopefully make my work on that content a lot less time consuming to deal with) because I’m struggling with the fucking phone list. And despite the fact that in my last evaluation there was nothing but praise, she basically threatened to tell my dad I hadn’t been doing my work when I brought up the idea that maybe we need to outline my job description a little bit more closely. And yes, I’ve explained why I’m struggling with the phone list (including the aspects that I think are very much fibromyalgia related) and she won’t even consider any arrangement where that task goes to someone else.
I just. . .I actually was looking up how I could replace my health care if I quit as a direct result of how upset I am about this fucking phone list task. And I sit in my office with my door closed because I feel constantly on the verge of crying and/or hyperventilating, so I’m probably going to get yelled at for that, too. And I have to constantly lie to my nosy mom and to my dad when he comes by my office, because if I give the slightest hint of what’s wrong, it will ruin my relationship with my boss. (Once I told my dad, out of the office, something I was upset about and asked him specifically not to make any mention of it to my boss–he was telling me about upcoming changes and I was in trouble for not immediately informing my boss–and by not immediately, I mean between 7 pm and the time I opened my e-mail the next morning–and he did.)
I mean, this is particularly bad because I had a pretty upsetting therapy session Monday morning, came in and was immediately confronted by someone yelling at me about “First Last” not being in the directory, and then found out that I’m probably going to be fined by my condo board because the cleaners I hired through the professional organizer (ie I didn’t pick or brief them) at least temporarily left garbage in the hall and left boxes in a trash chute area immediately in front of a sign specifically saying you can’t leave boxes there AND had the train route I need to get from teaching my first class back to the office canceled AND had my cable/DVR box implode, for which I get to wait a week, pay $20 for the new one, set it up myself, AND take care of recycling the old one, so I’m kind of brittle, but I can’t get over this goddamned phone list issue.
sorry for length of whine; I know this is a really petty privileged thing to be this worked up about
That all sounds terrible, I’m sorry and I’m sending you a virtual hug and cup of tea.
thank you. 🙂
I don’t think you’re overreacting to this at all – having to update a thing that’s constantly changing while people are yelling at you because THEY can’t do it right (like, if you can’t find First Last, just ctrl+f Last, dumbass) and are also not giving you the resources you need to do it right sounds soooooo stressful, plus having to stop whatever else it is you’re doing to make changes as soon as they come up is a recipe for being totally unproductive. PLUS responsibility creep is obnoxious, especially if people are like, “oh, it’s just updating a phone list, nbd.”
The only advice I would have is to see if you can push back a little on the immediacy of the updates – maybe your boss will let you set aside x minutes a day to work on this, and if an update comes in after that window, it can wait until tomorrow? Also maybe see if you can get an in with whoever’s actually setting up new people/making changes. I maintain the directory at my firm, which is much smaller than yours, but I’m friends with the IT people who are the ones actually setting up the phones, emails, etc. (and they know which office the new person is going into, if you need that info as well). When a new person is starting, they’ll give me directly all the info I need.
This is really good advice. I particularly like the suggestion to quarantine time for it- I would make that conversation about how the interruptions are affecting your productivity/quality of your other work. Perfectly reasonable for it to say ‘last updated- date’ rather than be up to date TO THE SECOND.
Also that’s just a really rough week, hope you make some time for self care in there.
Thanks! I have brought up during the changes only during a set time before, but maybe I can think of a way to frame it better. And it would definitely help if where I get the info from is consolidated–as it is now, it’s kind of a mess between central IT, where I am, and various local companies who the phones are subcontracted to, HR to get full and correct names, the local managing partner to get a start date, and one of the local admins to get the phone ext/secretary assignment, and when I write it all out like that maybe I can show someone how convoluted it is.
Yeah to me this sounds like the procedure for updating it is tremendously inefficient. I remember an old boss who used to make us transcribe a report we got, and she basically got furious when one of my coworkers worked with IT to find a route that got this automated because she was a control freak. And we had to go to the bat and be like, “we aren’t secretaries! Even if we were, it’s ridiculous to not allow us to spend 4 hours one time to get this automated so we can stop spending 20 hours per month on something that’s in no one’s job description”. Thats a difference of paying out 600 dollars a month FOREVER vs 120 once. It’s a huge inefficiency in staff time.
Sometimes the issue is no one understands why the work is a mess, or what it takes to do it right. Sometimes the issue is no one wants to make your job better and prefers you suffer. Either way, the point is that you need to find a procedure that makes the process work smoothly. And if someone is blocking that you need to find the argument that to allow yourself the ability to fix it.
I’m a huge fan of throwing the work back to other people in this case- the idea that it’s the job of the person updating the phone lines to tell you when they changed people’s workstation, or the job of the person at HR who does hires to let you know who came on, and what phone line they get are both great. The idea that the directory is only updated once a month, and it won’t kill anyone to have to look that information up is also great. The idea of spending a week finding out if there’s software that does this for you, also great.
Did your dad hire you to do the phone list specifically? If not, the fact that your boss is threatening to go to him, I dunno. I think that’s going to backfire on your boss if everyone else outside your direct supervisor is happy with your other work, so check that off your list of things to worry about.
I think if you say, “you are right. This phone list thing isn’t going well. I want to try an solve this between us. Here’s are all my suggestions (type it out), aim for at least 5 reasonable solutions. Include your top preference, Option 1- assign it to someone else, and then go down the list with the options you’ve offered before and any new ideas you have. See if she’ll agree to any of them. If she wont, I think you can say, “ok I think we need to take this up the ladder. Because we disagree and he’s my dad, I think we talk about it all together all three of us and see what he wants to do. I will only talk to him without you if you insist that there is no other way that this work can be done than how it is now.
My sense of this is that if you really say, “look I want to work with you directly, I’m not a tattletale, I want you and I to be able to trust each other and the most important thing is that we come up with a mutual solution”, only the most unreasonable person in the world will escalate it. And if you go up the chain to your boss, even if he’s your dad, i think the person who is trying to come up with solutions always looks better than the person saying no.
It sucks when one of those months come up where you just keep getting knocked down. I hope you can take a good breather and just de-stress. for me it’s watching comedies or going for a good long walk that gets me back on track.
This is lovely advice.
Thanks! This definitely gives me some things to think about, and I’m going to try to work out a script with my therapist this week.
There is the problem that there is no other way for people to look people up, which more and more seems to me like maybe it is a procedure issue, and not a me being incompetent issue.
Is it possible to do an analysis of the spreadsheet ridiculousness and explain why it isn’;t working, and it should get replaced with something else? How many names are we talking about? Most people have databases for this sort of thing.
I honestly never thought about that, because my boss is actually the head of IT (even though I am not an IT person–I write and update the website content, which is mostly just via wordpress (and horrible Lexis, ugh). In fact, I’ve never even properly “learned” Excel–I’ve stumbled through the very basics, but there are often times it seems to me that even within Excel there should be a better way to do this, but no one ever has time to teach me. Being IT but not really also, I think, makes things worse because she doesn’t “see” when someone asks me to make them a flier or a client newsletter or anything.
Well I did NOT get the job that I had two interviews and am thinking I dodged a bullet there but I did haul myself to drinks with my old project team last night and shamelessly shilled myself and 3 different people asked me to send them my resume because they need people. That felt good.
Other bonus is that the last 2 days I have been playing with the neighbour’s new puppy to stop him being so lonely and it is super good times. What a cutie pup! He is some sort of hound and his big floppy ears fall in to his waterbowl while he is drinking! We all have puppy fever on our street now.
PICS REQUIRED
Thank you to everyone who offered cold cures/treatment suggestions! Although I’m not quite cured yet, I am feeling better today after lots of lemon and ginger tea and hot showers!
I found a dead bird outside my office after work. In the interest of keeping the flowerbeds vermin-free, I brought it home for a decent burial. In my garden. Under where I plan to plant watermelons.
Don’t judge me; I’m recycling.
I judge you absolutely wonderful, endlessly interesting, a sparkling marvel of a Toastfriend.
Aww, shucks. *scuffs toe in dirt*
I forgot I have a financial q too this week. I called Navient hoping to pay off about half of my remaining student loans (woo hoo!) and was looking forward to putting it on a credit card so I could get beaucoups de points. But stupid Navient won’t let you pay anything about the amount that’s due on a cc. So in a huff I spent a few minutes considering just paying the whole thing off to be done with them forever, but that would wipe out most of my savings which I’m not really ready for.
I’m considering asking them to switch it to much higher monthly payments so I can get those points and be done sooner, but I’m not sure if that’s crazy and could come back to bite me if I find myself stuck with super high payments + who knows what other surprise expenses. Or if they change their policy so I can’t pay with a credit card after all. Or if I end up paying more in fees in order pay by a credit card than I would get in rewards point (Reddit says if I call after business hours and use the automated phone system there will be no fees).
Is it crazy to make a big financial decisions like this based on a combination of wanting reward points and hating bad customer service?
I wouldn’t do it, even though I’m all about the points. Upping your monthly minimum is a TON of risk for a little reward.
If you’re looking at paying down $10,000 on a card with 2% cashback, you’re still only looking at $200. The ROI calculation isn’t very good. You’d get $100 just plopping that same $10k in a “high-yield” savings account.
I’d use other purchases to make a run at points. For the student loan, I’d just pay the sucker.
Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking as I ponder it more. I’m leaning towards still trying to pay it off fast with higher monthly amounts when possible (still want to be done soon!), but keeping the amount due where it is so I can not do that if I have surprise expenses some time down the line.
Nice to have some extra input though!
I just made random payments in addition to the monthly payment when I had money to pay mine off and it went fine. I never changed the amount that they asked me for, and it works great when some months are tighter than others.
Are there any Toastie database admins? I’m an information systems analyst right now, and because my job is BORING AS HELL right now (not enough tasks for me to do; the tasks I get take about 10 minutes) I started teaching myself SQL through Codecademy with some supplementary practice from SQLZoo. And it’s really fun! I have master’s in math and a teensy bit of coding background (Python), so it’s not hard.
So I guess what I’m asking is, how does one become a database admin? Is it fun? What other jobs use SQL?
My brother is a database builder, and he got into it from knowing a teeny bit of programming, working as a tech/IT help guy, and consistently doing any sort of training that was offered him — i.e. he learned it all on the job. He would have more specific useful things to say than me about this — but I just wanted to encourage you to keep self-teaching and then just apply for things. People in the tech industry are very open to that. I believe Codeacademy also has a placement program. My brother gets most of his jobs now through head hunters — maybe you could get on a few of their lists once you have even more skills.
My own tiny experience with coding (I did SGML for a bit as part of one job) is that male computer people will mystify what they are doing a lot, and/or are not capable of explaining it clearly. I was amazed –truly amazed — at how much of it was NOT hard at all, and just required some basic logic to understand and do. So a big vote from over here for self-teaching, not letting the men mystify what they are doing, and then just applying “higher,” i.e. applying for jobs even if you don’t meet 100% of the requirements, and seeing what happens! (This is also what men do).
So I’m having a pretty rough couple of days Toasties. Two of my best friends are going on a roadtrip and they didn’t invite me even though I could have gone and I just found out my uncle is losing his fight against cancer. I’m at work, dealing with clients while on the verge or tears. Needless to say I’m going home to drink a lot of wine after my shift ends.
That’s a bummer. Sometimes friends hurt your feelings without meaning it. If it helps at all, I’ll be having a glass of wine or two this evening. Long distance cheers!
That’s a lot of things to be dealing with. *toast hugs for you*
I’m so sorry. *Hugs*
360 people is a ridiculous number for one person to keep up to date with. Well, if it's Exchange 2010 and up, you can get the employees to SELF-MANAGE their own contact details without having to bug you with it.
People often forget/don't know that Exchange was created out of three different products – an email system, a scheduling tool, and an ADDRESS BOOK. This is what it's designed for!
You log onto the Outlook Web Access (OWA) website (the Exchange admins can give the URL), click on the Settings gear, then Options. In that view (the Exchange Control Panel), you then click on Account > Edit Information and update your address and telephone number details there. Unless it's been specifically disabled, any person with a valid mailbox can update their own details. If it's been disabled, get the Exchange admins to re-enable it. It sounds like you're simply relying on the information they're giving you anyway, so it makes no difference.
The method you use to get to the ECP might vary with different Exchange versions, but the place where you can edit your contact details will be somewhere.
I suggest writing a wee doco that demonstrates the procedure, with screenshots, and then inform everyone that this is the way to do it from now on. Sure, you'll probably have to walk a few people through it/remind people when they ask you to change their details, but it'll save a lot of time for you in the long run. As well as "empowering" people to make simple changes themselves (managers love that kind of thing.)
If you have an intranet, put the instruction doco up there under wherever you give IT tips or have information for new joiners.
For the birthdays, my view is if the individual cared so much about their birthday, they would respond pretty quickly when asked. I think asking more than once is generous, frankly. Why waste time with someone who evidently doesn't care?
Thank you! This is super-helpful–I've been so upset about it as a me-messing-up issue and a resenting-the-tedium-then-feeling-snobby issue I wasn't even thinking about part of the problem possibly being the entire set-up, minus any input from me at all!