WHY ARE YOU LONELY: CHOOSE ONE
- FAILED TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS BORN OUT OF CONVENIENCE ONCE CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES REQUIRED ACTIVE PARTICIPATION FROM YOU
- WATCHED NETFLIX FOR SEVEN HOURS INSTEAD OF SLEEPING BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST
- CONFUSED “SELF-CARE” WITH “SELF-INDULGENCE” AGAIN; YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING GENUINE REFRESHMENT OR RESTORATION BUT YOU DO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY AT NAIL SALONS
- ONCE AGAIN CONFUSED “EMPATHY” FOR “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” AND INVITED OTHERS TO UNLOAD THEIR EMOTIONAL BURDENS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING RECIPROCITY, WHOOPS
- ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM
- ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT
- BELIEVE “PERIODICALLY EXPERIENCING THE HUMAN CONDITION” MEANS SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN WITHIN YOU
- CONSTANTLY LIE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS THEN WONDER WHY YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE KNOWS YOU
- MISTAKENLY BELIEVE THAT NEGATIVE FEELINGS MUST BE MISTAKES EITHER TO BE AVOIDED OR FIXED RATHER THAN EXPERIENCED
- DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF
- BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS
- TRY COCONUT OIL
- CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
- STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD
- THINK YOU’RE BEING PLAYFUL BUT ACTUALLY YOU JUST GET MEAN WHEN YOU DRINK
- SPEND ALL YOUR TIME SAYING THINGS LIKE “EITHER’S GOOD” OR “DOESN’T MATTER TO ME” WHEN IN FACT ONLY ONE THING IS GOOD AND IT DOES MATTER TO YOU BUT YOU THINK “NOT EXPRESSING A PREFERENCE” IS THE BEST PERSONALITY TRAIT YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHERS
- PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE
- NO GOOD REASON, SORRY
Oh.
Oh.
🙁
No, I think this IS about me.
it is definitely about me.
oh my god.
ONCE AGAIN CONFUSED “EMPATHY” FOR “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” AND INVITED OTHERS TO UNLOAD THEIR EMOTIONAL BURDENS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING RECIPROCITY, WHOOPS
It me.
This Ask Polly is about dating but I found it really, really, really important when trying to figure out why all my friendships with dudes from college felt so lonely and bad.
Oh my GOD. Flashbacks to “friendships” that make you feel like you’re to that part in a dream where you can hear The Waking World happening around you so you just concentrate on continuing the dream in a very focused unfocused undemanding unseeing way that you ask less and less of your surroundings until you realize there’s nothing actually worth retaining so you wake up.
Or ones where they assume a shared set of beliefs that demonstrate that they never listened to you at all.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this Ask Polly. It’s exactly what I needed to read right now.
you and me both
“all my friendships with dudes from college felt so lonely and bad”
Genuinely feel comforted by the fact that this happened to other people.
“Feeling crazy and needy” for wanting what it turns out are just, you know, normal parts of friendship was basically my 20s. My 30s has been more about “jettisoning people who make you feel bad.” It’s been nice.
It’s also been instructive when the people who are being removed from my life act like I’m being some kind of over emotional crazy person who is making bad choices because of possible mental illness (this got said to me) instead of saying “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings and I’d like to work things out.” Educational. I’m still recalibrating my friendship meters.
Yes, me too, exactly. I’d like to think more and talk about this. That chop can feel extremely surreal — like where am I? Who are my people? My truest friends feel scattered and sparse now, and it can be of disorienting – and they they pack a fucking beautiful punch. I imagine that having a partner/family puts a lot of this off?
Means so much to hear so many of you sharing these experiences though. Wow wow wow.
I go through phases of figuring things out and then falling back into this whole list of loneliness and confusion. Everything you said is me, and the person you responded to, too. I’m 32. I don’t have a partner (not a life partner – a still new and “what will come of this oh I’m so anxious” relationship after what feels like a lifetime of traumatic relationships). I don’t want children. I had come to a place of comfort, of realizing my 20s were about figuring all this shit out, relief to be in my 30s and finally starting to figure out what I want and growing a goddamned spine…
But yeah, my chosen family is scattered all over the globe. My friends disappear as they marry and have children. I don’t want children. I don’t want marriage (life partner yes, but not for the SAKE of it — I know I don’t want to settle!), but the pressure is daunting, and the result is loneliness. And these potentially toxic people who are left, how can I cut them out if that means isolating myself even more?
I have fears. I have a lot of fears.
Oh my god. Thank you for posting that. The situation the letter writer describes is almost exactly what I’m going through, it is uncanny. I had the talk Polly tells her to have with my dude yesterday, and I’ve been in doubt all day whether it was the right thing to do and I really needed to hear that it was. All those things are the things I needed to hear.
Yes on the Ask Polly. What did we do before the Internet?
Suffer alone.
so this is what it feels like to be subtweeted
I know, right? Jesus.
STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD
Listen, between this, the executive function article and the flirting thing from yesterday, I am CERTAIN that The Toast is Out To Get Me Personally.
AGREED BUT IT IS STILL KIND OF NICE TO KNOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY?
… I need to stop reading articles about grit and freaking out about how I have none of it.
Looking back on my life I am convinced that I do have grit, or stick-to-it-ive-ness, or SOMETHING, or else I couldn’t have made it this far given my nearly-constant levels of worry and despair and loneliness. Like, there must be SOME inner strength, right?
But I took that NY Times quiz about grit and it basically said NOPE, askelade, you thoroughly grit-less.
Hence, no more grit articles henceforth.
“Grit” is a crap term and persevering in the face of anxiety and depression DOES make you a strong person!
AGREED
like when your day is 10000x harder than it could be because of brainweasels, and you barely manage to fend off the brainweasels long enough to present yourself as a human who could possibly be mistaken for functional
you have won, you have grit; you have all the grit
AMEN. This article, which basically calls out that concept for being repackaged protestant work ethic, managed to break me out of that specific, insane mindloop: http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/downside-grit/
LOVE this article. “Grit” seems to me to be just yet another ‘poor people gotta bootstrap’ shit fiesta.
Thanks! I happen to agree! Maybe I just have some other quality heretofore unknown to science!
And if so….. I BET WE ALL DO
This whole thread is the best and I want to hug it.
Not everyone likes grit.
Take Mr. Grant. from Mary Tyler Moore. (He called grit “spunk.”)
“Mary, you’ve got spunk. I hate spunk.”
Sometimes a curmudgeon can really take the pressure off.
Carry on.
Same. Ouchie.
But it’s also kind of heartwarming? Like, oh, okay, it’s not just me, we’re all just total messes at some point or another. (And for some of us, we’re just rather messy all the time!)
Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by Mallory Ortberg.
A, B and Penultimate are my main personality traits
And I am a mean drunk but I aint apologising for that
Yeah, I thought I knew which of these was aimed at me, and then I got to penultimate and was so chagrined.
MALLORY
ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT
i need to go cry under my desk again because JFC MALLORY THIS CUT TOO DEEP
ETA: CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
goddammit mallory do you have spyware installed in my therapist’s office or something jfc
See also, that lingering MomVoice in your head that insists that It’s Rude To Invite Yourself, TinyChouffe, Don’t Be Rude.
My mother would yell that from across the room if she heard me on the phone asking a friend if they wanted to hang out at my place or theirs.
I have a friend who once told me, “my mom likes you because you don’t invite yourself places.” Then we both burst out into uncontrollable giggles because I am FOREVER inviting myself places.
YEAH THOSE ARE MINE TOO!!!! i’m just soooo chill heh heh i don’t care about nothing (sweats)
Yeah I am right here with you, guilty of all charges.
Ugh all of those things. I have lost more friendships because I can’t tell the line between being needy and being friends. And I can’t allow myself even the hint of needing anything and I must pretend to be chill and easy going. And apparently friendships need communication to be maintained? Who knew.
This hits too close. u__u
Damn you, Mallory. Damn you straight to misandrist heaven.
GODDAMNIT, MALLORY
Also, I’ve tried coconut oil. It did not fill the yawning void within my soul.
are you using organic? maybe that’s the problem.
And gotta make sure it’s raw, too, because that’s a thing and it’s important.
optimize the benefit of your organic raw coconut oil by also applying kale.
IS IT GLUTEN FREE YOU SHOULD GO GLUTEN FREE
Maybe re-read Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog about it. It worked for hers?
I suspect that Gwyneth Paltrow and I have rather different spiritual voids.
I choose “Anticipatorily blame other people for not calling…” But also “Lie about your feelings…” I know it said choose one, but I’m a rebel (this is a lie). At this time, I am not interested in considering whether I am really a mean drunk or less-sneaky in being judgemental than I think I am, thanks all the same.
Oh, I relate to a lot of this!! Particularly the human condition bit. But it also calls to mind this conversation:
Me: I can’t read your mind, you have to tell me what you want.
Someone: I can’t say what I want out loud – what if I hear “no”?
It me. All of it, at different points in my life.
But mostly:
BELIEVE “PERIODICALLY EXPERIENCING THE HUMAN CONDITION” MEANS SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN WITHIN YOU
It me, all of it, too, oofta
Most of yesterday was this exact fear, does Mallory coming to Australia mean she just suddenly knows the hearts and minds of Australian Toast readers?
well, shit
This is TOO real. ugh all of this is me.
Graduated from college and all of the acquaintances you once had based on proximity scattered to the winds and trying to keep in touch became increasingly one-sided and then the unemployment just continued on and you had to move back in with your parents and move to different states multiple times in a few years and then all of the online friends got lives or went to different platforms and listening to you talk about how your life is empty and miserable got old for them and one day you look around and realize life is empty and hollow and meaningless and you are afraid to do anything at all until you get a job again because surely that has to happen some day right?
Um…I’m in a mood.
it does happen! it literally did for me last week! keep the hope!
oh hey, me
most of my online friends are younger than me, so I’ve got a buffer, I guess?
noooo get out of my heaaaaddd :<
Whenever I feel that way, I look up generational economic statistics. Most of us are *not* doing well and it’s not just you and me. The people who are showing lives of spending money are either: 1) broke, 2) living with parents and broke, 3) trust fund kids, 4) more likely to be* engineers, doctors, or in IT or 5) showing off the little they *do* spend online.
I’m an “older millenial” (under 35). When I graduated university, it was the mid-2000s. Recessions for young people always last longer and hit us harder and we had just gotten out of the post-2001 recession. I didn’t have a half-decade before we hit the 2008 recession. How in the world are you supposed to set up an adult life with a stable career when you don’t even get anything beyond one handful of years??? And for us young people, we still haven’t really bounced back from the 2008 recession.
*not including lawyers because law as a field of employment has been really brutal. Lots of underemployed/unemployed young lawyers.
MALLORY. FUCK. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO CALL ME OUT LIKE THIS.
I’ll be in my bed, hiding from Mallory’s all-knowingness
It may be too late already.
She knows where you are hiding, from the all-knowingness.
And then evening came, and Mallory walked again in her garden, calling “houblonchouffe, where are you?”
Dude.
Dude.
Yup.
I’ve long wanted to make a t-shirt with a rotoscoped Harrison Ford on the chest in a dynamic pose, across the top HAN SHOT FIRST, across the bottom BUT EVERY LIVING CREATURE NONETHELESS DIES ALONE
I would buy 10.
Yep.
I have a Han Shot First shirt but this would be better.
I’ve looked into the legality of it briefly and it looks like I couldn’t get away with it with the image included, which I feel like is an important part. maybe if I called it parody?
Would definitely buy; would request to be buried wearing it, too
Good call.
You need an Achewood “Future Dead Person” shirt
I would definitely buy that t-shirt, but the second half makes me think of an unexpectedly cheerful-sounding song by Fred Smith called ‘Die Alone’.
(I get visions of the undertaker callin’/Telling me it’s nearly time to go/I get visions of Joe Hannah/Eatin’ a banana/But in the end you’re going to die alone. [In the end you’re going to die alone.])
Not sure if links work, but here’s a YouTube version jic: https://youtu.be/8ZgfYTXu9bE
(My favourite version is the one he does with the Spooky Men’s Chorale on the album Urban Sea Shanties, but that doesn’t seem to be uploaded anywhere.)
I sometimes consider making a “everything dies baby that’s a fact” shirt but haven’t yet gotten around to it because what if it doesn’t result in instant perfection?
Mallory, I wish you a thousand million really nice hugs from people you like and versions of yourself you like. Because like, these posts are reaching deep inside my soul, and that’s what I wish for myself, too.
Forgive me, I “met” my “inner child” in a guided meditation yesterday and am feeling kinda weepy.
Can we hear more about this guided meditation if it’s not too personal?
Sure! My therapist took me through it yesterday. It involved a grounding bit, then imagining a sort of sanctuary space, then greeting a younger version of myself there, exchanging gifts and messages, and eventually parting.
It sounds corny as hell but it was intensely real for me, and it’s definitely (at least in the past 24 hours) prompting me to re-think a lot of the ways I treat / talk to / make decisions for myself.
ETA: I don’t know if you wanted specifics, like, exactly what took place or whatever, but feel free to ask for more details if you’re curious. It was kinda personal, but not in a way where it’s like, PROTECT THE PRECIOUSSSS but more like, the events wouldn’t necessarily have much meaning for an outside observer? Almost exactly like having a very vivid, symbolic dream.
I use this one, it’s very nice and helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6tP8Efiwos
ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT
well shit
Boy howdy, the truth helps, I mean hurts!
What’s up with all the realism, Mallory. Can we tone that down a little, please.
Also, I did TRY COCONUT OIL, but i was out of coconut oil so substituted wine, OK?
A+ substitution
Sounds healthier than the ice cream I usually go with. And not coconut ice cream, either. Full on, regular fat ice cream.
I came to The Toast to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
(okay, not really, but this is So Real.)
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck with each bullet on this list I kept thinking “oh this will at some point veer away from being exactly 100% about me” and I WAS MISTAKEN
Right? Goddamnit.
Clearly I’m lonely because of coconut oil. None of the things apply. Even a little. Nope.
Fucking coconut oil.
BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS
…I mean, many of the options are Very Much Me, but this one. Ugh.
Yeah, that’s the one that really cut deep. If I were able to deal with being bad at things where other people could see me, I’d be happier–and probably in better shape, since i wouldn’t have had the same pathological terror of anything sports-related growing up. Also, I would not have had a near-breakdown at a “painting while drinking wine” event last year.
Like, I get that it’s not the point of karaoke to be good at singing. In fact, one could argue that the point is to not be good at singing. Does that stop me from nearly freezing in panic at the mere contemplation of getting up and singing karaoke in front of literally anyone? No, it does not.
Yeah, it takes a lot for me to be okay with karaoke.
A lot of vodka, specifically.
I cried while playing Mario Kart with my partner and losing horribly. It was not good.
I can’t play board games. I wind up alternating between depressed and petulant. It’s not a good look.
Yeah, I’ve been doing this one from the cradle. For instance, in fourth grade: sport? there are sports? but everyone else is already so good at it I am way too intimidated to try! when they were eight. it did not get easier over time.
I have literally cried about the fact that, for some people, doing sports as a child was a way to build friendships and get life skills, rather than protracted, mostly self-inflicted, humiliation and misery. Because that sure sounds nice.
YUP. It started off with a bang on the first one, and smacked me right in the kisser with this one.
Apparently, Mallory is the therapist none of us knew we signed up for.
(In a good way.)
– get facebook invite
– respond vaguely positively, weeks in advance
– assume they don’t actually care if you come or not, and also if you went you don’t know anyone there THAT well, and what if you fuck it up somehow
– do not go to event
– never check facebook again, until the next invite a few months from now when the process repeats itself
CONSTANTLY LIE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS THEN WONDER WHY YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE KNOWS YOU
Oh God.
I just feel like everyone should have figured out all of my feelings by now! I don’t lie that well. And sometimes I do a very slightly different voice that is supposed to let everyone know that I am joking about that feeling. The voice is sometimes in itself a lie, but that’s no excuse for anyone not understanding what I really mean.
Saaaaame! My emotions feel so strong on the inside, I shouldn’t have to say them out loud, right?
*tiny voice* this explains my relationships to my mom and sister so, so much
*even tinier voice* me too, me tooooo
i long for someone to tell me i’m clearly lying and come here let me give you a hug you poor lonely little punctuation mark
WHY DO YOU KNOW ME SO WELL, STRANGER ON THE INTERNET.
Okay Mallory the flirting stuff was all in good fun but YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY
Dayummmm
KVETCH THAT NO ONE EVER CALLS YOU.
LITERALLY NEED THREE DAYS TO PSYCH YOURSELF UP TO CALL ANYONE.
I CAN’T EVEN ORDER PIZZA ON THE PHONE. I NEED TO USE THE INTERNET TO BUY PIZZA.
but then answering the door to collect the pizza is the worst 90 seconds of my life. so the system still needs work.
Have you considered installing one of those meal tray slots, like they have in prison? But pizza-sized?
I am a 35-year-old attorney and homeowner, and I still make my boyfriend do all of my customer-service-related phone calls so I don’t have to talk to people.
I tell my husband it’s a fair division, because I do the noticing that calls need to be made and the figuring out who to call, and he does the actual calling. He hasn’t objected yet.
Preach.
I clicked on the link to see the comments for this, missed, hit the reply button instead, panicked, hit the back button, closed out of the webpage altogether, dropped the phone, ran off shrieking.
Okay the last one didn’t happen but the rest? TOO REAL.
Welp, I’m obviously gaming for 100% completion on this text game…
Also, I just texted my Friend I Occasionally Visit and FaceTime With to see if we could get together again soon, so good things are coming out of this, I guess?
Achievement unlocked!
Mallory, have you been reading the laundry list of codependent traits again?
I don’t know, Mallory, this feels quite a lot like it’s about me…
This is me and also apparently all of us? Can we have a discussion about how this is all of us? What does that mean? Should we band together in it? Does that result in un-loneliness? What are we doing? Is it ok? (I think so? This makes it feel more so. Oh, you guys.) (Also what the FUCK.)
*scared*
*but also THE ANSWER IS YES*
SOLIPSISTS UNITE!
Yes! Yes to un-loneliness. Sharing all my schitz for the first time a few years ago was the hardest, hardest seriously most heart-poundingly difficult thing I have ever done but now I just will mention it in casual conversations like it’s nbd? And people will open right up in return and it’s amazing to see the whole-body sigh of relief when someone is all, “Oh this is an ok time for me to not be perfectly together and instead to be a normal human THANK THE GODS” and also opening up about my worst darkest stuff led to a whole like 5 years of learning to improve on my failings while being kind toward my weaknesses (I’m Christian and it was a big part of my spiritual practice during that time; happy to talk more about that). SO MUCH of this list resonated with a place I was 5 or 6 years ago (and uh probably 10 or 15 consecutive years before that), and I am now less so in that place because of finding other people who were just as screwed up as me who would walk with me in my darkest places and I could walk with them in their darkest places. So yes. Yes yes yes.
yes, oh yes, thank you for this. i myself receive a “whole-body sigh” from it. i’m wondering how much this has to do with age, as I feel like this list pertains to this very distinct moment in my life (and I suspect mallory is around my age as well – i.e. about to tip into 30). there’s a shedding of many old ways of thinking about myself/others and the process of letting go and learning new ways is hard and a little isolating. that is why this list hits so hard. i thought i had it figured out and it was everyone else’s fault but nope. (so, i pose this somewhat to you also, mydonkeyfeet)
though also, yes, it must also have to do with the patriarchy (wish i could link to the comments below, somehow? pygmalion person?), which must also be tied to the time/age thing? not only inadvertently conforming to it but also, simultaneously, being overtly unwilling to abide by it, which is isolating. meaning, as the number of fucks we can give to The Man/to people accepting of The Man evaporates into negative infinity – who is left that can actually hear you? that is safe? that is worthfuckingwhile?
except that again – oh, right you guys. the beauty of this list seems to be about cracking yourself open anyway, right in the face of all that self-righteous calcified anger and armour and trying hard etc. which is why we all need each other, bleeding and open and awkward as we all are in the dark places – and why you’re all so fucking amazing. god damnit, toast. i love you.
i’m not sure this makes sense or will be legible to below responders but – my women – i salute you from my respective crevasse.
This is lovely.
I already want to apologise for its sleepy incoherence but since that would fly in the face of its sentiment I shall NOT.
Am going to print out Mallory’s list & try to watch myself better, though.
Votive candles lit for you all.
You are great.
I have a good answer! These used to be me, and then I kind of just grew out of it! So yay, the future?
Can we blame the patriarchy for some of this though? Like couldn’t some of this be a result of inadvertently conforming in part to society’s expectations of women? I’m really just looking for an out here because I’m uncomfortable with how much I identify with all these.
I will support anything that blames the patriarchy. I blame the need to eat as a small child, i blame the urge to procreate, i blame the urge to be known.
Sames.
I used to be all of these but with work you too can make improvements (it’s totally ok if you don’t have the time or energy to do so and it’s best you go at a pace you are comfortable with no matter what people in your life tell you). The ones I still am I am working on even though anxiety makes it tough but I’ll get there and hopefully everyone else does too.
ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT
Wait.
What?
I’m sorry, my worldview has just experienced the Blue Screen of Death, I need a reboot.
BSOD here too except I’m worried it was my personality chip
I lost my shit at “try coconut oil”
Let’s be real, most of my problems started after coconut oil came into the picture. It was all downhill from there.
okay, fine, you’re right, I’m way too invested in “being low maintenance” even though I KNOW it is a toxic sexist construct aaaaaaah
a friend shared this with me today and it rocked me https://medium.com/matter/against-chill-930dfb60a…
FUCK YES.
(also that article is almost a year old. can chill be dead now?)
PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE
Oh. oh. this is the seed of drift of so many friendships. I am guilty of it. They are guilty of it.
Not to be That Guy but it’s kind of a relief to have it pointed out to me. Maybe I can be better about it.
No kidding. Pretty convinced that successful adult friendships are entirely about squashing the That Guy in all of us.
That Guy, how did he even get in here
Aaaaaaaaaah, I was waiting for someone else to post this, but had copied just in case no one else saw themselves in this particular funhouse mirror. “don’t shit on things ppl like” is definitely a thing I struggle with (thanks to my older brother for pointing that out, along with ALL OF MY OTHER FOIBLES).
The trick is to surround yourself with people who _also_ share your barely-concealed contempt, and then save all of your good coworker/stranger stories for them. Like that one friend who will totally understand why wide-eyed “admiration” for Motley Crue’s latest/lastest tour was the only possible response to a 20 minute monologue on this very subject.
Everyone needs a friend who hates the same things as them. My mean friend and I used to go to a mall to make fun of rich old lady’s pantsuits. It was great, but unfortunately the first point in the list.
I actively only have one person that i do this with, and they are WAY nicer than me, because my uni version of myself got… a little too mean. Turns out scorpios especially have an inside voice for a reason.
Same, actually! All of my high school friends were like that. Like, I didn’t realize until undergrad, and maybe not until the year or two after, that it was not only ok but often downright enjoyable to like things and express feelings in earnest. But too much of that can feel a bit stifling.
My guts felt like they were being dragged up my gullet by a hook when I first read that. BUT TO BE FAIR TO MYSELF: the five – count them – five whole friends I’ve lost because of this were all massive fucking racists. So. I win?
ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM
But seriously tho, a good friend from college and I pretty much did this to each other and now we don’t talk and I miss her. How do you forgive yourself/others for this stuff and move on and be friends again????
I used to call my friends but then I heard that calling people was out of fashion and even horrifying? so I stopped calling. p.s. your friend misses you
You send them an email saying “hey, I miss you, would you like to get together sometime?”
Yes. Literally. This is how I reconnected with my first year bestie. It was glorious.
Seriously this. I sent a flaily facebook message of “hey, miss ya, what’s up?” to a friend who I have, if timestamps are to be believed, not spoken to since 2007. The two minutes of dread before she cheerfully sent a hello back were tense, but after that it was super lovely .
Sometimes it just doesn’t work. It depends on the friend. I actually was the friend who always wrote, called, emailed etc. and kept things going, but eventually I had to accept that a couple of the old friends just didn’t care enough to keep it going. It takes two to tango.
Send them a link to this page and say “I miss you, let’s catch up”?
Is this someone everyone feels, or just a particular kind of bookish, maybe introverted female? I feel like I spent years cycling through all of these, trying to figure out how to Person, Friend, Woman, and Adult, and am still not that great at it. Therapy has helped, and so has getting older, but I still feel kind of hamfisted and awkward a lot of the time.
Well I’m a particular kind of bookish introverted man and Mal is pretty much batting 1.000 (well I don’t do self care because I try not to spend money and don’t feel I’m worth self care. Also I get 6-10 hours of sleep every night because I am lonely and thus have few demands on my time) . So I guess take heart that it is at least gender universal?
Maybe the introverted females are just better at it but want to be really good, like painters studying in a master studio, where the other clueless ones are happily coloring with crayons and not noticing or caring about technique. And who knows, maybe they have more fun with it. Ugh.
(Come to think of it, I have moved on to more easygoing hobbies that are happier and less perfectionistic for me, like quilting instead of art. Maybe that’s how Peopling should be too. I always overthink things.)
I think this is a thing that a lot of women are trained in from early.
THINK YOU’RE BEING PLAYFUL BUT ACTUALLY YOU JUST GET MEAN WHEN YOU DRINK
uh oh
Uh Oh
Dodged this one! I get “philosophical”. It is not like mean, notatall.
It me- every time I try to flirt!
Oh my gosh, SAME. My default flirting style is to always be mean :X
Replace mean with depressing and it me
Me too.
Embrace the mean!! It’s hella fun.
WHY ARE YOU LONELY: CHOOSE ONE
I can’t though 🙁
(so many of these are way too close to home. Also, I would add: MOVED FAR AWAY AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS.)
Making friends as an adult is hard! Especially if you are no longer in school (which you may or may not be, I don’t know, making friends when you ARE in school is hard too)
This is my first year out of school (after 12 years, plus 4 years of undergrad, and 4 of grad school, oh god). Making friends in grad school was easy – we just all commiserated about grad school! I wish going up to strangers and being like “soooo, adulthood sucks huh?” was a thing.
It’s my first year out of grad school too. :/ And my first “career” job. I feel like this is such a weird stage to be in. Like, on one hand I finally see the appeal of getting a good night of sleep, eating well, buying work clothes from places other than the clearance rack. But on the other hand I still want to be silly and goofy like a student (work colleagues don’t respond as well when you try to commiserate with them). It’s hard to find new friends when you are stranded between “real” adulthood and student life.
I think you should just go up to people and ask them their opinion on whether or not adulthood sucks. I think you will actually get some good responses. 🙂
I really like this idea, even though I am trying to have less friendships based on commiseration! but it would definitely help in New Place I Just Moved
You could totally start a convo with me like that and I would grab you (gently and lovingly) by the forearms and practically yell, “YES! Let us go commiserate about paying bills over Thai food.”
Hurray! Let’s be friends!
Ditto. 4 states, 9 years.
Ooh, so much of this. I think daily of moving back to the place where I had friends. It was…not easy to make friends seven years ago, but it happened! I had friends! I did things! Regularly!
A year and a half later in this New and Terrifying Land, and I have maybe three friends, with one being a roommate, one who moved to the opposite side of the country two weeks ago, and the last also actively trying to move.
All of the things Mallory said, absolutely yes. But this comment is SO TRUE. 4 states, 1 year, and the most recent move is a) likely to be (at least semi-) permanent and 2) the hardest one to make friends in, so far. Also filing taxes has been the worst.
Like, I worked REALLY hard to get this job, and it is a great job! I’m so much less poor than I have ever been before! I am learning things, and being respected, generally! But watching 7 hours of netflix instead of sleeping, or trying coconut oil has so far not effectively replaced the human relationships from my past communities. BETTER TRY GETTING MY NAILS DONE I GUESS.
Oh my gosh, I know. I’ve learned that it takes FOREVER to make friends in a new place, especially as an adult. It’s almost been two years for me, but I have made a couple friends and just today one asked if I want to step it up to “best friends” status. So, hang in there! A stranger on the internet believes in you!
ouch
just one?
what do you expect me to do, Mallory?!
drunk is the only time I get to be mean
Welp, gonna go make some gravy and drink it from a mug and crawl under the covers to whimper.
Goddamn it, Mallory.
This is my favourite comment. Thanks! I could also you gravy blanket time now. Oof.
PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE.
Oh, shit.
Dammit Mallory, now that you’re Dear Prudence you have a crystal ball to peer into our greatest self-inflicted miseries?
It must be part of the title, carefully handed from one Prudence to another in a moonlit ceremony.
I love that makes me envision a sort of Dear Prudence superhero.
like Promethea
Dear Promethea
“PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE”
Oh noooooo
YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST
no
CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
nooooo
^ my exact reaction
I am printing this to hang on my wall
Yes, okay, fine, those are the reasons.
Is it hard being right all the time, Mallory?
Oh god, definitely second from the bottom. D:
Came all the way back here to the second page to confess.
My scalp was super itchy yesterday so I fucking put coconut oil on it.
I hope you’re happy.
Did it work? B/c I am at my wits end with all this winter bullshit.
yeah actually! I leaned over the sink and rubbed it in real good, then shampooed it out 30 minutes later. Maybe there is some kind of sleeping hat so I can leave it in all night?
I tend to put my hair up in a bun and then sleep on a towel on the coconut oil nights. It has worked pretty well so far.
Old lady shower cap! And put a towel on your pillow just in case.
You could just reprint this every single time for Dear Prudence and call it good. That and Hax’s “you can change how you respond, you can’t change how other people respond” is pretty much all the advice anyone needs, really.
What is the difference between self-care and self-indulgence and does it have anything to do with the fact that I just stress-ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy?
But in all seriousness what IS the difference???
Excellent question. I’ll take a shot at it.
Self-care is based in self-respect, self-esteem, self-awareness, choice.
Self-indulgence is compulsive, unaware, hurts others, hurts your precious self.
Coconut oil (or rather, Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter) is the only reason I haven’t scratched my dry, itchy shins to oblivion this past month, so if that’s why I’m lonely, fine. The alternative is having shins that look like I’m turning into a lizard, which I don’t think it’s going to get me any friends, either.
I do a shea butter/ coconut oil thing that fights lizard skin pretty dang well. Nothing else works!
The TJ’s stuff is coconut oil, shea butter, aloe, vitamin E, and more herbal extracts than you can shake a stick at, and it makes you smell like a macaroon. I love it.
That coconut body butter is awesome.
• ALL OF THE ABOVE
BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS
ahahahahahaha
hahahahaha
Right now I’m at “believe that trying something inconsistently for over 5 years should’ve resulted in perfection/elite status, and find yourself horrified and ashamed when you experience realistic results and those who have been more diligent in shorter periods of time and/or have other advantages have better results.”
D:
aka “why I haven’t finished another piece about my personal journey with lifting yet”
Shit just got toooooo real.
I thought “ahhhh crap it’s my weightlifting mentality” as soon as I saw that
To be honest, it’s my mentality with almost everything and I’ve managed to struggle with it. It’s mellowed the most with lifting or else I wouldn’t have stuck with it for so long, but yeah, it’s such a hard thought process to unravel. I can never let all of the friendly encouragement of “it doesn’t matter as long as you have fun!!” sink in as well as I’d like.
I feel this. I have somewhat enjoyed many extracurricular activities and sports, but they feel like a chore at least 60% of the time and I just don’t have the willpower left after Doing the Day to Do More Unpleasant Things.
Liz’s weightlifting plan: either instantaneously or after a two minute montage I become incredibly perfect without ever having to stop eating cheese and all fruits
Actuality: my talent and progress = bad/average
That was me and martial arts, which I stuck out till black belt (grit!) Luckily I have (mostly) escaped mental comparisons in yoga and weightlifting so I can still enjoy them. although I am secretly TWEAKED that my partner, who I talked into squats and deadlifts, has made more progress in 6 months than me in 6 years. Damn you testosterone.
This was way too accurate to my current life, “FAILED TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS BORN OUT OF CONVENIENCE ONCE CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES REQUIRED ACTIVE PARTICIPATION FROM YOU”
Just too accurate.
…Yeah. 🙁
Me too
THE WORST DRUNK
honestly I can’t pick just one. all of the above?
(the second to last one though….)
i see that evilmelis is back
No shit, shouldn’t the photo for this post be a tortoise with evil eyebrows eating a strawberry?
MAL
LO
RY
Can we have a support group for everyone who feels that this article is definitely about them?
Looks like it’s here in the comments!
*Laughs*
*Smiles*
*Silence*
I have a dog OKAY Mallory??
Hmm… well, as long as I can confirm that I deserve to be lonely, I’m not sure the details matter.
</3
You deserve to not be lonely ok.
WHEN YOU OVERCORRECT FOR A LIFETIME OF BEING NICE, ACCOMODATING, AND FLEXIBLE BY SUDDENLY STATING YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY, ENFORCING BOUNDARIES, AND DUMPING ASSHOLES.
HA! WELL let me tell you, the friendships you make on the other side of that are GREAT. It just takes some time.
I agree. It’s temporary.
Sometimes loneliness is worth it. Boundaries4lyfe!
Yes!
Arrrgghhh but all the fury and anger from people when you change your MO, how do you deal with that????
Breathe. Be thankful for your new spine. Go to yoga. Go to the library. Save money. Buy a house. Become a feminist. Make friends with the worthy.
‘Be thankful for your new spine’ this is good. Thank you.
Build yourself a model Mjolnir and use it as a reminder that you, only you, ARE worthy. (YMMV, worked for me, though)
Theory: Mallory is actually an omniscient being?
On the one hand, these are tough because they really are shine the mirror sort of stuff. BUT on the other hand, seeing the comments and how everyone is “yes, me” helps reaffirm that I am not a special misery snowflake, we are in fact all in this handbasket together.
WHEE!!!!
sobs
… wait. every commenter is relating to this as much as I am. I guess because all these traits are somehow obscenely common? …I’m not special!!!?
sobs
Mallory…
One of my other websites has a love button that you can click. (No. Not Facebook.) Y Toast no have love button. I need to demonstrate my love for everyone in this thread.
Okay fine <3 <3 x infinity
Y Toast no have love button
I think it’s called the Tip Jar.
“Love me with your money.”
I’m just going to hide under the covers now. This was too much.
I don’t spend ANY money at nail salons so obviously that negates every other point and I am FINE, PERFECTLY FINE THANK YOU.
Holy Shit, Mallory. I am reading the Toast in a daily basis and it has begun to stare right back into MY SOUL.
Basically, all except one so to me. These last two weeks were horrible for a lot of reasons (work -related aggressions from a certain coworker, mostly) and I just. Can’t. Even.
“ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM
ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT”
Oh. Welp.
(Seriously does anyone know how to train yourself out of doing this? I am The Worst about it and it’s a huge problem but contacting people to socialize feels like I’m imposing a burden.)
IT ME, ALL OF IT
😀
🙁
Oh no. This is causing way too much introspection for a Wednesday. The only one that isn’t me is the coconut oil one. I’m going to go cry now, and maybe try some coconut oil?
SPEND ALL YOUR TIME SAYING THINGS LIKE “EITHER’S GOOD” OR “DOESN’T MATTER TO ME” WHEN IN FACT ONLY ONE THING IS GOOD AND IT DOES MATTER TO YOU BUT YOU THINK “NOT EXPRESSING A PREFERENCE” IS THE BEST PERSONALITY TRAIT YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHERS
Oh. I um….
I’m working on this, mostly by uncomfortably choosing pizza toppings when my partner asks.
Just fake it and say something decisively. CHEESE!
Oh, Mallory! Mallory!
How did you know?
How did you know that on this day of all days I needed more than water, more than air to spend a few minutes doubled over in agony and in helpless laughter at my own expense so I could get the heck out of the blue funk into which I had settled?
You got some kind of magic, you have.
BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS
CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
Ow ow ow.
I just made lentil soup AND NOW THIS.
God damn it, Mallory.
DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF
god damn it Mallory.
Um, this is literally every thing I’ve fantasized about screaming at my ex while shaking him violently at the shoulders.
Except the coconut oil thing. I already talked him into using that.
Group hug, everyone.
Aw jeez. AW JEEZ. The sign of a great Toast piece, I’m realising, is reading it and wishing it were still proper and respectable to raise an army to defend you from a deeply personal attack.
I have never posted here before, but I just had to say that these statements here basically describe what it took me months of therapy to understand about myself @.@
I know, right? I feel like this is a list of descriptors for the Ghost of Pierre Poutine Past! Thank heavens for therapy.
Now if only I could learn not to embody The Toast’s queer flirting haikus…
This post makes me want to go back to therapy and fix all the things I identify with. Oofta.
We’re all the same~!
This is not me (thank God) but if I had a dollar for all the friends I have who go on and on about having no friends when they CONSTANTLY AND REPEATEDLY IGNORE OR REJECT MY INVITATIONS TO SOCIALIZE EITHER ALONE OR IN GROUPS in favor of binge-watching Netflix I’d probably be able to buy at least one very fancy dinner for myself.
ETA: I should clarify that I’m lonely because I’m on the extreme end of extroversion, which means that pretty much any time I’m around people who aren’t ACTIVELY SOCIALIZING WITH ME (including people who live with me) I get my feelings hurt even though intellectually I know they just want some time to themselves and it is not, in fact, a deliberate attack on my character that they don’t want to talk for four hours.
Fellow lonely extrovert here! My problem maybe was spending way too long throwing attention and time and effort at people who wouldn’t or couldn’t give anything back to me and now I feel really under-socialized?
ONCE AGAIN CONFUSED “EMPATHY” FOR “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” AND INVITED OTHERS TO UNLOAD THEIR EMOTIONAL BURDENS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING RECIPROCITY, WHOOPS
why did you have to come for me like this, mallory. whyyy
…so when you say “choose one” you mean choose 5 or 7 or all of them, right?
I feel CALLED OUT, although the universal panic this is inspiring makes it a little better?? Maybe??
If I’m horribly vulnerable inside and you’re horribly vulnerable inside then who is flying the plane.
CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
Ah. Well. Ow.
WATCHED NETFLIX FOR SEVEN HOURS INSTEAD OF SLEEPING BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST
But inertia is so much easier than proper rest! (It just leaves you feeling much worse afterwards.)
ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM
If I called people I would be putting them in the awkward position of having to interact with me when they don’t really want to; clearly, the best thing to do is to never make any advances and wait for other people to make the first move, so as not to impose.
PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE
I try really hard to conceal it, but I am just fundamentally a horrible person and it seeps out.
feelings? never heard of em.
The first point is a more brutally honest version of a feeling I like to call “sadly looking at Facebook photos of college friends’ weddings that I wasn’t invited to, feeling hurt that they kept in touch with so many other friends from college who aren’t me and wait, the common denominator here is… me.”
(But seriously I hate when people go on about “omg i have soooo many weddings to go to, I’ve been a bridesmaid like eight times this year”)
NOPE it’s about me
Lol, so hard to choose only one. This piece was really great…. Putting a positive spin on something negative. I love it!
It wasn’t like I had anything great planned for this evening, anyways, might as well turn into a sobbing wreck.
On the bright side, the fact that this made everyone else feel terrible too gives me a warm and pleasant feeling of belonging!
Dammit.
I backed so far away from this so fast I started trying to climb the wall.
Because…
I had REALLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS of that coconut oil.
>.>
<.<
🙁
CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
But if I tell people my problems and if they’re heavier than expected I’ll have TRICKED them into hearing my problems and been MANIPULATIVE and a BURDEN
DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF
But what if my full explanation isn’t accepted? What if it isn’t good enough?
Basically I feel exposed and raw and damn it Mallory and your knowledge of people in general
Oh. Oh. Oh.
I feel like this is completely probably directly related to Mallory being Dear Prudence now.
HAS THE STRAIN PROVEN TOO MUCH. THERE THERE. WE’LL ALL DIE SOMEDAY ANYWAY.
But…
…how did you..?
I have to try coconut oil.
STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD
Ouch.
This was a very painful/cringey read, but I also feel like I should bookmark it and come back to it periodically to remind myself of things I want to work on. So. Thanks? I guess?
Oh this is too too close for comfort :\
YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Oh. Wait, I see, yes. Yes you do.
DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF — the root of this one for me is being unable to explain myself. Having FEELINGS but not being able to understand what they are or why they’re happening.
This post came at me right after dealing with a sort-of breakup (his “empathy” which I thought was endless and vast and could handle all my negative shit and feelings I couldn’t even explain suddenly turned to a responsibility he couldn’t handle anymore because I was not. doing. the. work.) and the death of a family member and the realization that the human condition is happening to me whether I like it or not. I need a community. I need friends (maybe). I need interests (definitely). Is self-love at the center of this? How to deal with my first relationship which I’ve just firmly labelled as abusive? Is this how comments work, or am I being an Old Person Online right now? (I swear I’m in my mid-twenties)
internet hugs to you, if that helps.
somehow, it does. thank you 🙂
I have a little bit of advice for transitioning from a place of inchoate confusion or loss, working on you and having interests, as a person who has struggled with similar things. First, I would say consider therapy. But that is hard to begin. Second, I have found a low-key guided meditation in coloring mandalas. A decent book from a new-agey/self-helpy/book-type-place that discusses the principles and has a collection of them, plus a nice set of pencils. I did one per day for a long time, now I do them less frequently but it has been valuable to me for years now.
It sounds like you need to get to know yourself better–understand and be able to label how you feel. If you know, then you start to get to make deliberate choices about how to comfort yourself, meet your needs, ask for support, and so on. Therapy and regular journaling are both really good for this. If you’re scared of what you’ll find, self-compassion work and self-esteem work are probably necessary. It does sound like you need more social support than just one person can offer–who doesn’t? Get yourself some friends, get yourself some extra-cirriculars, both of these can often happen together through meetup or other kinds of group activity things.
It is a really big deal that you are realizing that understanding, naming, and clearly sharing your feelings is your job to do, not someone else’s to divine. This is a huge step, and remember it.
therapy can help many/some people, and it can also be a waste of time for many/some people. remember that if you choose to try it or if you are trying it and it’s not making you feel better.
This hurts. This hurts a lot.
“ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT”
I actually unofficially ended a friendship over this. Not that I didn’t value my time with her when I was always the one initiating time spent together, because I did. Buuut do any of ya’ll have a friend that literally NEVER makes plans with you? The kind of friend who promises they will call and never do? Or won’t text you back? Or doesn’t respond to your facebook invites/messages? Does anyone have a genuine friend who consistently flakes out on the plans that YOU initiated with them?
Probably not. Granted, if she were the kind of friend who responded to those initiations in the first place, I probably wouldn’t have stopped trying.
YES. You have to let go of people like that. You just have to. Friendships are two-sided, and you should never feel like you’re the one doing all the work, or you’re the one who needs to constantly– relentlessly– ask for attention from someone who is meant to value you.
I’ve been the person who has flaked over and over, for different reasons. Sometimes intimidation. Sometimes a deep feeling of lethargy and depression. Sometimes I just didn’t want to see them and wasn’t Adult enough to communicate that with them. But I realize now that all of those things hurt. And I understand why the friends I’ve done that to in the past had to let me go.
Exactly! Thank you. For a while, I felt bad. I thought that maybe she wasn’t doing well, maybe she needed help. But even when I tried to reach out to her to see if that was the case, I couldn’t get a hold of her. So naturally I had to stop trying. I couldn’t keep caring about a person who didn’t seem to care enough about me to even talk to me over the phone or text. And when she WOULD get in touch with me, which was rare, she would always apologize, saying she was a terrible friend and that she didn’t mean any harm by it. But it DID hurt and I was tired of it. So that game had to end.
I will say, it’s easy to end a friendship when that friend doesn’t put much effort into contacting you in the first place.
Damn. I feel like I’ve gotten over most of these (took so much work), but the realness of it all is gut wrenching.
well, this is me, I will be getting off at this stop and crying forever
*sinks slowly into the sea*
WATCHED NETFLIX FOR SEVEN HOURS INSTEAD OF SLEEPING BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST
CONFUSED “SELF-CARE” WITH “SELF-INDULGENCE” AGAIN; YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING GENUINE REFRESHMENT OR RESTORATION BUT YOU DO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY AT NAIL SALONS
Oh my god. This speaks to me so much.
this fucked me up/
Oh.
Right.
(well said. I’ll go stare wide-eyed at the wall now)
this is my ex who was lonely and frustrated the whole time we were together 🙁 hard to read. damn you toast, you were supposed to make me laugh but NO.
This me
SPEND ALL YOUR TIME SAYING THINGS LIKE “EITHER’S GOOD” OR “DOESN’T MATTER TO ME” WHEN IN FACT ONLY ONE THING IS GOOD AND IT DOES MATTER TO YOU BUT YOU THINK “NOT EXPRESSING A PREFERENCE” IS THE BEST PERSONALITY TRAIT YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHERS
…….ouch……………
All of these are me (except I don’t drink! So I’ve got that going for me!). Ugh.
The coconut oil worked! That’s a relief.
The coconut oil worked! That's a relief.
I just came here to have fun and am honestly feeling so attacked rn
I just came here to have fun and am honestly feeling so attacked rn
Mallory, you’re probably tired of people telling you to GET OUT OF THEIR HEADS by now but…this one was acutely necessary. Well done.
i think you left out the most fundamental reason: “because you are still alive, which is because most people believe dying intentionally is wrong and make it unnecessarily painful and frightening and difficult for you to die safely”
I clicked on the link to see the comments for this, missed, hit the reply button instead, panicked, hit the back button, closed out of the webpage altogether, dropped the phone, ran off shrieking.
Okay the last one didn't happen but the rest? TOO REAL.
BECAUSE YOU ARE FIFTY AND NEVER MARRIED OR HAD CHILDREN AND FEEL SMUGLY HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND FREEDOM AND PEACE IN YOUR LOVELY, QUIET HOME YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED BUT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE TO TAKE THEIR KIDS TO SOCCER GAMES ALL THE TIME.
Never been to a nail salon!
Every word apart from that, though. Ugh. Direct hit.
Oh no.
Oh no.
this describes me way more than I wish it did
…anybody wanna start a club? not me, though
This text adventure is definitely low in grues.