Yesterday E! broke the news that long-running CBS series Two And a Half Men will be introducing a lesbian character for the eleventh season:
E! News can exclusively report that the pivotal new role of Charlie Harper’s illegitimate daughter has been written as 21 years old, “sexy and gorgeous,” and gay. The new character, Jenny, will share many traits with her deceased father, including her love of women, per our sources.
The Toast has procured an exclusive copy of the script for the episode introducing Charlie’s daughter to the gang (“Lesbians, Lesbians Everywhere And Not A Drop To Drink”). See the shocking excerpt below:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ASHTON KUTCHER is perched on the kitchen table playing Candy Crush. ANGUS JONES, surrounded by luggage, is saying goodbye to JON CRYER.
JONES:…And that’s why it’s really important for me to go to college. I hope you two have a great time without me, immorally touching women and also with your swears. I will miss you.
CRYER (sadly): Now we are but two men.
KUTCHER: [plays Candy Crush audibly]
The doorbell rings. JONES and CRYER react in genuine surprise. KUTCHER does not move. CRYER opens the door. CHARLIE SHEEN enters, wearing a cheap woman’s wig and carrying a stained backpack.
CRYER: Jesus. Charlie? What are you doing here?
SHEEN: (stiltedly, as if reading aloud): No, I am not Charlie, although he is my deceased father. I am Jennifer, Charlie’s sexy and gorgeous lesbian daughter.
SHEEN (hurriedly): Who is 21. Charlie’s sexy and gorgeous lesbian daughter who is 21.
CRYER looks offstage, panicked.
CRYER: Oh. Well…it’s good to…meet you, Jennifer. What brings you to town?
SHEEN (stiltedly, as if reading aloud): I share many traits with my deceased father, including her love of women. His love of women.
JONES (gamely): Oh. Well.
SHEEN: I have come to avenge my father’s death.
SHEEN appears to be having difficulty breathing. He is visibly pale. He sits down heavily on the couch, closes his eyes, and appears to immediately fall asleep. Moments later, he jerks awake.
SHEEN: I will be your half-man! I will be your lesbian!
CRYER: Charlie, is that blood? On your backpack?
SHEEN: It’s a lot of things. I’m not–I’m not a backpack expert. Fluid is, fluids are attracted to backpacks, so I don’t know. It could be a lot of things.
CRYER: Could one of the things be blood?
SHEEN: I don’t know.
CRYER: Whose blood is it, Jennifer?
SHEEN: I said I don’t know. Maybe it’s the backpack’s.
CRYER turns away. JONES looks at him anxiously, as if for guidance.
CRYER: I can’t do this. Charlie, I can’t do this.
SHEEN: I am not Charlie. Charlie is dead, and I am his lesbian daughter Jennifer, who shares many traits with her deceased father, including–
CRYER: You know I’ve been doing this show for ten years?
SHEEN: Including his love of women–
CRYER: I don’t even have a parking spot on the set anymore. Do you know that? They paved over that section of the lot during the summer break and they kept saying We’ll get you a new one, we’re going to paint you a new one, but they never did. And you just leave. Your parking spot is still reserved, by the way. I asked if I could have it and they said they’d look into it but they never did, and then Ashton shows up and I don’t think he’s ever even read the scripts–
KUTCHER (without looking up): I told you, I won’t read something unless it’s texted to me. That’s in my contract.
CRYER (breaking down): The girls from the Big Bang Theory threw garbage at me this morning for ten minutes. They rubbed it in my hair.
JONES: Jon, I’m so sorry–
CRYER: Mayim Bialik just kept laughing and laughing.
CRYER: They rubbed it in my hair.
JONES: Is that what that–
CRYER: Yes, Angus, that’s what that smell is. I don’t normally smell like garbage.
JONES: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–
CRYER: I am a good person. I take showers. I don’t smell like garbage.
JONAS (worried): No, you smell good, Jon. You do. You really do. People are always saying that, how good you smell.
CRYER: My whole life is garbage. Everyone else gets to come and go and I’m just stuck here on this fucking set smelling like garbage and I’m not even, I’m not even the main character in my own fucking life.
He begins to weep. No one moves.
CRYER: You didn’t even say goodbye. When you left.
SHEEN: Jon, I–There’s nothing else out there. There’s nothing else out there for me. I didn’t want to say goodbye because I was ashamed. Okay? I was ashamed. And then I couldn’t call, because I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t doing well. I’ve been sleeping in that parking spot for three weeks.
SHEEN: You don’t mean that. Jon, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
SHEEN runs his hands through his hair. The wig falls to the floor. Everyone is silent.
SHEEN: Damn…lesbian alopecia. Just like Dad’s. Just like what killed Dad.
KUTCHER (without looking up): Are we still shooting? I’m giving a TED Talk in like an hour.
CRYER: It’s fine, Ashton. You can go.
KUTCHER: It’s for this app where every time you level up in Candy Crush–shit, shit, it’s striped, it’s striped—
CRYER: Don’t worry about it.
KUTCHER: Someone in Africa gets…
CRYER: Have a good time, Ashton.
He leaves through the set door without looking up.
KUTCHER (offstage, almost inaudibly): Someone in Africa gets another app.
Silence once again.
SHEEN (softly, as if to himself): Pri-va-ate eyes, they’re watching you…
CRYER: Are you singing “Private Eyes”?
SHEEN (realizing): Oh. Huh. Yeah, I guess I am.
CRYER: It’s a good song.
SHEEN: It’s a great song.
CRYER: It’s a great song.
The two of them make eye contact. SHEEN smiles tentatively. After a moment, so does CRYER.
CRYER: It’s good to have you back. Really good. It’s great, even. Jennifer.
SHEEN: They something every move…
TOGETHER: Pri-va-ate eyes, they’re watching you…
FADE TO BLACK
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.