Previous entries in the series can be found here.
Brett
Brett did you get that picture I sent you
I did, yeah
the picture of my penis I mean
yes
Brett
guess how much of my penis I still have left
you know
after my accident
after my penis accident
I really don’t want to play this game, Jake
no come on guess
I don’t have unlimited texting
these messages are kind of expensive for me
I’ll give you a hint:
it’s definitely SOME
at the bar
u coming
brett
bretttttttttttt
brettly
brettles
oh my god yes
give me like ten minutes
okay
awesome
I’m bringing Cohn with me
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh
Jake
uuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh
you don’t own the bar
he can come to the bar if he wants to
no but brett
brett listen
fuck that guy
we’ll be there in ten minutes
ask him if he wants to come with me to spain tomorrow
are you serious
uuuuuuuuuugh yes
i don’t want to go to spain alone brett
that’s so lame
who goes to spain by themsleves
haha
sleves
k fine i’ll ask
see you soon
slevvvvves
hey im gonna send u a real quick pic of my penis
please don’t
no its ok it’ll be super quick
six missed calls
brett
brett did u get my messages
brett im so sorry
im so sorry we cant have sex
oh my god im so sorry
im gonna call you again just in case
its so awful that you cant have sex with me im so sorry
thats why ur so lost brett
brett u cant keep living like this
going to bars and traveling
being friends with jewish guys
oh my god he’s so jewish
and having sex with men who like you
its killing u brett
its killing u inside i can tell
hang on i gotta throw up im gonna call you
oh fuck im throwing up so bad
and we’re all gonna die someday
and ur never even gonna have sex with me even
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
Tags: ernest hemingway, jake barnes, texts from, the sun also rises
Oh my god. I just. I can’t.
Good. This is good.
ur
slevvvvves
yesssssssssss
I can’t. I totally lost it in public while reading this.
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD POOR JAKE ABOUT CUNNILINGUS
#sweatymissionaryHemingwaysex
Of course Jake would send dick pics. Everything about this is perfect.
Are you kidding? Cohn would send the dick pics. Brett would tease Cohn to send dick pics and then he would send them and she would show them to everybody but Jake, but Mike would get drunk and tell Jake about it, and Jake would stick up for Cohn for no reason, and then Cohn would turn up and indignantly take it out on Barnes, who would wake up with an absinthe hangover and a black eye and go off fishing until Brett needed a shoulder to cry on.
Embarrassing confession: I read this book 2-3 times in high school and I never, never picked up on Jake’s impotence. I don’t know how I missed that entirely.
But let’s all move to Spain and have hot 18-year-old athletes in tight pants for boyfriends.
please don’t ruin them with your independence
please just let them be men
I can’t help it. I’m just one of these bitches that ruins children.
I don’t have enough adjectives left in my vocabulary to continue expressing how I feel about “Texts from” posts. Just. God. BEST. Always the best. (And even best-er when you’ve actually read the book…unlike past editions that were maybe about whales.)
I wish I were still in college. I’d print this up and leave copies all over the English building.
I wish I were a high school English teacher so I could discreetly direct my students to this series of posts. It would make me the coolest high school English teacher.
BRB, printing off 100 copies of this on my university printing account. My department is the next building over from the English department. THEY’LL NEVER SUSPECT ME.
You don’t own the bar, Hem!
HEM
You don’t own the good bars on Place St.-Michel or the bad bars on Rue Mouffetard
You don’t own the bar even when you’re dreaming about sharpening pencils in the woods and some guy comes to talk to you about your writing
You tell (h)em, Brett!
I love the “Texts from” series but I feel like this book is a tough one to translate to texts, at least from Jake’s point of view, because Jake thinks a ton of things he would never say.
ugh jake is literally the worrrst
This explains what is wrong with our education system. My school mentioned it, and of course the class got the giggles. Which means that we need better sex ed. If Jake had sex ed, he would know about cunnilingus.
This was amazing. I was expecting it to make fun of Brett, and this is SO MUCH BETTER.
This is amazing but also “oh fuck im throwing up so bad and we’re all gonna die someday” is pretty much the story of my life, so thanks, I guess?
This is amazing but also "oh fuck im throwing up so bad and we’re all gonna die someday" is pretty much the story of my life, so thanks, I guess?
You know how they used to (do they still?) make comic book versions of classic novels, to be all hip and stuff, for the kids? That’s what this series is doing for me. I first read this book when I was ~8, and it didn’t make any sense and was boring, so I didn’t bother again with Hem until I was in my 20s. Tried reading this again, but the headaches from constant eye rolling became debilitating. It made sense, and I could comprehend the artistry, but…ugh.
“You, a foreigner, an Englishman, have given more than your life. You have made yourself like the William Hurt character in that annoying movie!” [Kisses both cheeks.]
I couldn’t help but read all of Jake’s texts in Archer’s voice.
Made it so much better