Previous entries in the series can be found here.

Brett
Brett did you get that picture I sent you
I did, yeah
the picture of my penis I mean
yes
Brett
guess how much of my penis I still have left
you know
after my accident
after my penis accident
I really don’t want to play this game, Jake
no come on guess
I don’t have unlimited texting
these messages are kind of expensive for me
I’ll give you a hint:
it’s definitely SOME

at the bar
u coming
brett
bretttttttttttt
brettly
brettles
oh my god yes
give me like ten minutes
okay
awesome
I’m bringing Cohn with me
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh
Jake
uuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh
you don’t own the bar
he can come to the bar if he wants to
no but brett
brett listen
fuck that guy
we’ll be there in ten minutes
ask him if he wants to come with me to spain tomorrow
are you serious
uuuuuuuuuugh yes
i don’t want to go to spain alone brett
that’s so lame
who goes to spain by themsleves
haha
sleves
k fine i’ll ask
see you soon
slevvvvves
hey im gonna send u a real quick pic of my penis
please don’t
no its ok it’ll be super quick

six missed calls
brett
brett did u get my messages
brett im so sorry
im so sorry we cant have sex
oh my god im so sorry
im gonna call you again just in case

its so awful that you cant have sex with me im so sorry
thats why ur so lost brett
brett u cant keep living like this
going to bars and traveling
being friends with jewish guys
oh my god he’s so jewish
and having sex with men who like you
its killing u brett
its killing u inside i can tell
hang on i gotta throw up im gonna call you
oh fuck im throwing up so bad
and we’re all gonna die someday
and ur never even gonna have sex with me even