I’ve become obsessed recently with receiving wisdom. Not, like, Pinterest-fake-Marilyn-Monroe-wisdom: pro-tip, she did not say any of those stupid things.
I mean, actual things people have said to you in conversation that are deeply wise. Whether because you’re in crisis, or because the person in question is very old and learned (“the word is LEARNed, Pepe”) or because the stars simply align and allow you to appreciate what is being said to you.
Here are the two wisest things I’ve heard in recent memory (and I’m dying to hear yours):
When asked why, despite the hassle and boredom and resource-suck of parenting, you never really blame your kid for it:
“Does your brain complain when you spend money on your foot?”
Wow. I am very unromantic about parenting, I would say, versus the popular conception of MOTHERING, but this sat me down in its truth. Parenting is a huge pain in the ass, and on the worst day, you might say, wtf am I doing this for? but, truthfully, it’s never occured to me to be annoyed at my daughter about it. Because she’s my foot. If my foot needed bunion surgery, it wouldn’t be something to get mad about, other than to an unhelpful insurance representative. She’s part of my body. If I didn’t look after her, my body would suffer. That’s it. That’s parenting, for me. It’s selfish. Your child is like your foot. It’s not even some mystical perfect love you might or might not feel: your child is an extension of your physical body.
When solving a problem at work or in a relationship where the other person is wrong and you don’t know how to make them admit it:
Stop trying. No one is willing to admit they were wrong. We are DESPERATE to avoid admitting wrongdoing; for whatever reason, the emotional and psychological cost of saying “you were right, I was wrong” is incalcuable.
So, here’s a thought: why do you need them to say it? It’s an ego thing, especially in the workplace. It’s very satisfying to hear that you were right. But it’s meaningless, ultimately. People know when they’re wrong, they just struggle to say it.
Here’s the deal: what are the concrete things you want out of this exchange? Because people are so horrified at the idea of verbalizing wrongdoing that they will do almost anything you want to circumvent it.
Fix the project in three days? Sure!
Arrange a belated birthday party for you? ABSOLUTELY.
Get a sitter after six pm on a Saturday night? Bob’s your uncle!
Because if you know what you want, and can say “well, that happened, here’s what I need” without the step of “hey, buster, you screwed the pooch on this, right?” people will do almost anything for you. The gratitude a person feels when they do not have to admit wrongdoing is limitless. Embrace it! Having someone say “you were right, I was wrong” is lovely, but it’s fundamentally ego-driven and unnecessary. You’re not wrong to want it, but if you can free youself from demanding it, you can actually get more concrete things than you would if you forced someone over a barrel to say they fucked up. TRY IT. It’s a golden ticket.
Okay, what marvelous advice have you received? What are the game-changers?
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Tags: advice, truth, wise things
“People are the way they are because that is how they need to be.”
As much as I *love* playing armchair psychiatrist, we can never fully understand what other people are dealing/have dealt with in their lives, or what purpose their attitudes and behaviors are fulfilling for them. There’s a lot of time wasted trying to figure out WHY someone is being mean/angry/bitter/whatever — and really, the why is not important. They are that way because they feel they need to be that way right now, and the only thing you can do is decide how or if you want to react to them.
I think learning that no one knows what’s going on in your head except for you. I’m not sure if it was just one moment, but being taught to ask for what I wanted was invaluable. I feel like so many people, especially women, will hint at things but never say them forthright and then get upset when their needs aren’t met, when they never actually took the time to say what they wanted out loud.
I also appreciate learning that you can forgo some traditional “wisdom.” Like that whole “don’t go to sleep mad” in a relationship one, because sometimes you’re sleepy and you’re saying stupid things in an argument and a good nights sleep will probably give you both some good perspective on things.
Yes, for me it was Captain Awkward’s blog that introduced me to the concept of ASKING PEOPLE FOR WHAT I WANT. It’s so obvious and simple but before I stumbled across it, I wasted so much energy feeling awkward and angry when my patently obvious (to me) hints didn’t do the trick.
“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” –Henry James. This gets me through the most difficult friendship disappointments and irritating workplace interactions. I think the repetition is key. I really need to be reminded of this, at least three times daily.
“People will tell you the truth about themselves”
(and if you admit it to yourself, you know when it’s happening. trusting this could have saved me a looooot of time. I think everyone already knows this one, but it’s the wisest thing I know)
Oh my God that second one! I’m going to totally rethink how I deal with people at work. The best advice I’ve gotten recently is that just saying “Tell me something, [name], [request for advice]” and looking the person you’re talking to sincerely in the eyes will make people feel so valued that they will not only help you out but also appreciate you more. Meta-advice!
1. “Don’t make threats you won’t follow through on.” That was originally advice for my relationship, but it’s also been invaluable for dealing with my daughter because I have to make sure I’m willing to actually follow through on any punishment I threaten her with and it’s made me a more aware parent.
“People notice more and care less than you think.” My dad said this to me, and, as someone who hovers constantly on the verge of bursting into humiliated tears, I repeat it to myself often.
Also: A lead fall places outward force on your first gear placement, so make sure you use a dynamic piece.
But that’s a little less universal.
Absolutely agree with allowing people to save face wherever possible, it makes life so much easier. You know they fucked up, they know they fucked up, and being generous about not making them admit it will pretty much always serve you best in the long term.
I’d just like to co-sign this forever. You can get so much more out of people if you don’t make them grovel.
I think of it as building the other person a back door/escape hatch.
To be honest, I think most women do this as a matter of personal safety, don’t they? I always find a way to turn down unpleasant men’s sexual advances in a way that saves their ego, because not bruising their ego is a form of self-protection. Fucked up, but there you go!
“Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. You’re the one who’s going to have to clean it up; they get to walk away.”
My mom told me this years ago when I was learning to drive; it was in the context of someone behind me leaning on the horn because I wasn’t moving quickly enough into a traffic circle. (The wording was actually “you’re the one who’ll get into an accident; they can just drive away”.) I’ve returned to it again and again.
My driving instructor used to say to me ‘don’t let anyone else make you drive like an asshole’ in the context of ignoring other people tailgaitng or whatever. She is a wise lady.
One more driving-related thought: Always drive as though there are other cars around you. If you keep in mind all of the habits that come from being around cars in your vicinity (using your turn signal, looking carefully before turning and changing lanes, backing out slowly) and do these even when you’re the only car around, the habits will be ingrained and will flow naturally when you need them.
My dad always says ‘The only thing the indicator tells you is that the lightbulb is working’, basically, don’t assume a car is turning just cos the indicator is on.
Love this, especially as a cyclist! Please look out for us, folks! (At least the ones who are also following the rules.)
My teen just got his license, and I will pass these on because they are great.
My mother has two great life mottos that she has applied to every aspect of her life, from the religious upbringing of her children to her dealing with chronic illness, and they have served me well in turn:
“Any excuse for a party,” and
“Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.”
Those are both brilliant and worth repeating on the regular!
My mom’s motto is, “Life hardly ever lives up to our anxieties.” Useful for tiny things like being afraid of shot to big things like weddings. Moms!
Your mom sounds awesome.
oh! am i your mother? “fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke” is one of my core principles.
My Mum and Dad had two drink/drugs rules for us teenage kids: 1) Always do it to make a good time better, never do it to make a bad time good and 2) Never inject anything. 2 very, very good rules. Not enough rules actually, but the two most important ones.
Those are definitely the most important ones. I would also add that if:
1) someone can’t have fun without drugs or alcohol
2) they won’t accept if you won’t do said substance with them
3) you don’t like hanging out with that person unless you’re drunk/high
…then you’re better off not being friends with them.
Further drug advice (which, granted, might be hard for teenagers to follow with peer pressure and all) would be to do some “field research” before trying something. See what people are like when are on the drug. Do you want to be like that? Does this drug help people have more fun, or does it cause problems for them? Do you know anyone who does this drug a lot, and if so how does it affect them? If you do the drug the first time you encounter it, that normalizes it and you can’t make an objective decision. But if you sit on the sidelines and observe for awhile, you can see it for what it is. That way, you know exactly what you’re getting into if you decide to try it, or know that it’s something you would be better off without.
I was very influenced by the “just say no” campaign and by what the teachers told us in school. I was afraid of drugs and alcohol (rightfully so), and hung out with people who smoked pot for several months and realized that, while some of the anti-drug dogma is 100% true, some of it is biased. I realized that the only people who had a problem with marijuana were the people who did it all day, every day, so I just made sure I didn’t do that. When I finally decided to try it myself, and I felt comfortable with my decision because it was well-informed.
that’s great. i’ll have to keep the first one in mind for my non-teenage self.
When my wife was young and working with emotionally disturbed children, her supervisor said of the kids: “They’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.” This turns out to be useful way to think about all sorts of people who you might find irritating to deal with!
Oh oh, I like this one! My friend who has a 2 year old and who works in neuroscience says she often has to remind herself: “This kid is not being an ass, she just doesn’t have a prefrontal cortex yet.”
It’s hard to remember this sometimes, when their acting up seems so deliberate! But yes, I need to try!
I love this. I’m going to get it tattooed on my palms so I can look at it when I cover my eyes and take deep, calming breaths.
95% of the things people say and do have nothing to do with you, and don’t assume that anyone else knows the 95% rule. I.e., don’t take things too personally, but assume others will take things personally and act accordingly.
yeah, that’s mine too. Which also means, if someone offers to help you out, just say yes without feeling weird and guilty about it. Because that ALSO is probably more about them wanting to do a favour than anything too much to do with you
My husband frequently says ‘don’t ask questions when you don’t want the answer’ and he uses it in the context of his never-ending trolling and ridiculous life decisions but I find it works well as life advice.
I cannot tell you how many people I know who insist on absolute honesty but really, really do not want to hear that the answer is anything other than perfect. If you can’t handle reality, yo, stop asking people about it and just keep hanging out in your pretend world where everything is groovy.
“No is a complete sentence.” If just plain “No” feels too stark, you can gussy it up with “No, thank you” or “No, I’m afraid not” or “No, that doesn’t work for me,” but the essence of your answer resides in the “No.”
You don’t have to add anything — in fact, adding details is often counter-productive.
No, I’m not going to do that. No, I don’t need to give you an explanation. No, I’m not making excuses that give you an opening point for arguing or negotiating. No, this is not a discussion. No.
This is fantastic. I’m fairly confident I’ll have a use for it today.
I used this the other day and it was brilliant! I just said, “No,” and waited. The person wasn’t happy, but they accepted it and we moved on. It felt so good, I can’t even put it into words.
I use it all the time on my persistent [PERSON REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS] and the reaction is priceless; s/he feels around it looking for gaps and just. can’t. find one.
Especially since I’m so cheerful and positive about saying no! A sample conversation, complete with translations:
“Hey, guess what? I made reservations for [insert fait accompli here]!” The whole [GROUP REDACTED] is doing something stressful, time-consuming, and expensive, including you. SURPRISE!
“Oh, we won’t be able to make it. Thanks for thinking of us, I’m sure you’ll have a blast!” NOPE!
“… is it your schedule? We could make it earlier. Or later.” I would like to know why you said no so I can argue about it.
“Nope, it just doesn’t work for us. Have fun!” Nope!
“I bought your tickets already.” You owe me this, and now you’re trapped.
“Oh, that’s a shame, but I’m sure you’ll find a use for them. Have a great time!” I will not accept responsibility for plans you made on my behalf.
“We REALLY want you to come.” If you love me, you’ll cave in.
“I know, but we can’t make it.” Your desires are not my responsibility.
Aaaaaand scene.
My life got so much less stressful when I realized that “Sorry, we won’t be able to make it” was a perfectly acceptable response to an invitation (when delivered in good time, etc., obvs).
I feel like making excuses/adding reasons implies that excuses are required or that questioning your response is acceptable.
OOH NICOLE I DISAGREE WITH YOU REAL HARD ABOUT ONE OF THESE THINGS
is it because you hate your sentient, malicious feet?
Right okay but it is actually very difficult to set someone afire in real life, whether it is your child or your coworker.
For one thing, they usually try to run away before you can douse them properly with accelerant.
I’m gonna drop my own wisdom yo – toddlers don’t need a fancy ass birthday party. They want to eat potato chips and cake all day, and open presents and play with the paper and the boxes and some balloons (blown up with air from your own mouth). You can hire a pony or take everyone to the zoo or make bento boxes for sixty kids with fucking rice Pikachus in them whatever, that’s great if that’s your thing, but you don’t have to, and you don’t have to feel bad about it if you don’t do it.
They’re never going to remember that party. No parties count, for children, until perhaps age 5.
They totally count for parents, though, so throw the party you want to have! Potato chips sounds good to my idea of a toddler party.
Potato chips sounds good to my idea of ANY party.
“Live your life in a way that you will proud of later. No matter how things turn out, be proud of how you handled yourself.” I like this because it helps me remember that I’m not responsible for everything, but I can still take control of my reactions to the things that happen. It’s proactive without being debilitating.
Ha, my advice was very similar to yours (though much wordier)!
Variations on these ideas: “Being a parent is not fun, but it will make you happy.” Basically it feels like Good Work to be doing. But it is work, and no mistake. (Okay, sometimes it’s fun.)
And, my dad’s worthy advice: “Would you rather be happy (or productive, or insert preferred end state here), or would you rather be right?”
While you let that sink in, let me tell you: I know people who have elected the latter. It is not what I would call a fulfilling choice.
Finally, let me Nth the basic premise that a huge percentage of the time, It Is Not About You.
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us. ~Hermann Hesse
I think ‘hate’ is a bit strong, but once I realised that the things that bothered/annoyed me about other people were things that also bothered/annoyed me about myself it made it a lot easier to bear. Like when I’m mad my partner didn’t do the dishes or whatever, well, I didn’t do them either so why should I be pissed at her?
Obviously this is only partially true – I am not a murderer and yet I hate murderers! So take it with a grain of salt.
Yep, I’ll co-sign this. Very often the things that irritate me most are things I dislike in myself, so I try to be more understanding when those things are turned on me.
I’ve heard that a lot, but I don’t think it’s true. I hate bigotry, and while I am sure I am not 100% free of all forms of prejudice myself, I don’t hate it *because* I secretly know I am also bigoted, I hate it in both myself and others because it’s intrinsically gross, stupid and hurtful.
Hence my disclaimer! I don’t think it holds true for big, objectively objectionable things, but for small annoyances it certainly helps me.
The best advice I ever received (which I still have trouble living by) was in a church bulletin, of all places. Not that that is not a place for good advice, but I’m not religious and don’t go to church unless someone is being baptized, married, or buried. But I just happened to go with a coworker after a multitude of invites on the one day they had this in the bulletin, which just happened to be a time in my life I really needed to hear it:
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church….a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”
I saved it, and it’s been hanging on my fridge for 18 years.
yeah this is great advice. similar: we can’t change other people, we can only change how we react to them.
Very true, and that side of the coin is also something I struggle with.
It’s so hard when our capacity to control our reactions is hampered (in my case, by intense stress and depression). I react to my boyfriend in bad ways sometimes, and I don’t know how he lives with me. I hold my frustrations in, and when they come out I’m awfully passive-aggressive with him. But the things that upset him most in our relationship are the things that are in his own head as the result of baggage from the past, and he recognizes that. They’re the things that aren’t my fault. And the things that are my fault he forgives me for and doesn’t take it to heart. It’s pretty amazing. He’s pretty amazing.
That’s basically exactly what I was going to say. We can’t control anyone’s behavior – all we can control is our reactions to it.
My dad, a middle school guidance counselor, is my master of pithy and valuable wisdom. He is renowned for sharing HALT- when you’re struggling, check to see if you’re feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, and respond accordingly.
He also gave me this generally-applicable advice before a big long trip: “Be flexible and stay together.” I use that one for navigating marriage on the regular.
YEAH HALT! In my therapy we also used to call these “vulnerability factors.”
I have never heard of this! I like it a lot.
HALT is from AA, I think, and Vulnerability Factors I think is from Dialectical Behvioral Therapy (or that is where I learned about it). Vulnerability Factors was a little more broad and included physical illness, intoxication, other stressful things going on, intense emotions, etc.
This is a little bit more specialized, but after I quit drinking, I’ve used HALT a lot to avoid situations where I really want a beer. Trying not to get myself into a placer where I’m too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired helps fight the good fight. Excellent advice!!
“you will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy”
inspirational quotes usually fill me with blind rage, but i was at home wine drunk at 3am, looking at tumblr in the dark, like an adult, and it really stuck with me.
I disagree with the wrongness part because the best piece of wisdom I’ve acquired is that admitting your’e wrong is actually OK. Especially if you are a naturally pedantic and argumentative sort, being able to say “actually, you’re right and I was wrong” is essential to coexisting with other humans.
I do absolutely agree with this, but being able to admit you’re wrong for yourself is very different to insisting that someone else does. Accepting mistakes with good grace, apologising and moving on/making amends/whatever is a hugely underrated thing, but you can’t force that on someone else if they’re not ready or willing to hear it. I think both points come down to generosity of spirit, which is something I really value – you’re not selfish enough to insist you were right when you weren’t, and equally you’re generous enough not to make someone else embarrass themselves by having to admit their mistakes if they aren’t able to do it unprompted.
That wasn’t the point, stuffisthings. The point was that you shouldn’t waste time trying to convince OTHER people that they are wrong. But, you know, congratulations on having achieved a superior state of humaness or whatever.
Sorry — I *do* agree with the overall idea that you shouldn’t try to force other people to admit that they’re wrong, what I disagree with is the idea that people fundamentally *can’t* admit that they’re wrong. I guess many people can’t a lot of the time, myself included, but it should definitely be a goal to aim for. Though it’s certainly easier to admit it when someone else isn’t trying to get you to.
I think @Es_Petal has it exactly right — you both shouldn’t try to force your rightness on people, AND should strive to admit when you are wrong. Two sides of the same “generosity of spirit” coin, I think.
Yes, I think it’s spectacularly freeing and wonderful to admit you were wrong. I, myself, have done it at least four times in my life.
I have no advice today, just coming to read all the advice. Apparently I need it since my love has had it with me- – I made him mad last night and I think he is done. I don’t feel sorry for myself because it was all my fault. I just feel disgusted and heartbroken and kind of queasy.
If anyone has advice for someone who is trying to change something about themselves but it’s probably too late anyway, hit me up.
I’m also in the beginning of a break up (with my partner of 8 years!), and I think the main point that gives me some emotional relief is that even though I love this person and want to make them happy, trying to be the person they want me to be DOESN’T make me happy.
Yeah, I am definitely experiencing some of that. My partner is outstanding in his morals and he treats people excellently. I, on the other hand, haven’t evolved that far yet and sometimes lash out at him due to my own insecurities. I love him a ton, but it’s become a situation where I’m basically just waiting until I mess up again. The role I’ve fallen into is not a very good version of me.
I’m so sorry, that sounds painful.
My only advice about that is the advice I try (and often fail) to take myself: remember that all your feelings, including the small and ugly feelings, are okay to feel.
They may not be okay to act on, and that’s the part you can control. Don’t waste energy being ashamed or disgusted by feeling them; spend that energy taking charge of them.
I can’t imagine that helps at all at this moment, though, so I’ll also send along my give-it-to-myself advice about feeling sad and heart-sick: it’s a terrible feeling, and at its height it feels insurmountable, but it will lessen and then pass. Remember that and hang in there.
Thank you, this is wonderful. The part about not acting on those negative feelings is where I got caught up, of course. I’ve even been doing CBT to try and stop this negative dialogue I have with myself, but in this case I’m pretty sure it is a case of too little too late.
Stick with it and take good, loving care of yourself as well as you can. Treat yourself like a beloved friend: recognize that you have foibles and faults and love yourself anyway.
*solidarity hugs*
*attempts to return hug, melts into sniffling puddle*
It’s possible to love people, and things, without letting any of them consume you. You can love your job and forget about it when you leave the office. You can love your child and not forget your own needs. You can love, and even help, your mother or your husband or your friends, without allowing their personal troubles to cause you to lose sleep. You can love your mother or your husband or your friends without taking everything they say to heart and obsessing over it…
This is excellent. I need to hear this today.
This is something I’m working on very diligently lately.
My mom always told me that you need to recognize your emotions and let yourself feel things, even if they’re illogical, mean, or just plain wrong. Once you recognize what they are, you can figure out how to deal with them. And it’s easier, then, to say, okay, this isn’t fair, so I’m going to act this way, but I’m still going to let myself feel how I feel. I always always always tell people this because so often people (including me) deny their emotions and then they end up coming out in all sorts of unexpected ways.
Also, I once timidly told my mom I thought I might be bisexual when I was thirteen, and she shrugged and said okay, but labels didn’t really do sexuality justice. A few years later, when I had figured out that I think women are aesthetically beautiful but am mostly attracted to men, I told her I thought I was straight. And she shrugged and said that it’s about who you fall in love with, not gender, and not to place any artificial restrictions on myself.
Basically, my mom is awesome.
“Feelings are reality,” which I think is pretty much the same as safvn-momma-advice-1, is one of my favorite phrases this year–both in terms of forgiving myself for being ungenerous, irrational, etc., and when I’m trying to be supportive of friends/family.
My usual phrase for this is “Feel your feelings.” That is, how you feel and how you act are two different things, and it’s okay to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, even if acting upon those feelings would be unkind or unproductive or immoral or dangerous.
I first heard this bit of wisdom as ‘you can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you behave’ – which has helped me through pretty much all the horrendous situations I’ve found myself in when I’ve been utterly miserable or furious and wanted to lash out at the people who made me feel like that.
back in The Day, someone (christina kelly i think, but am not certain) wrote, as the last sentence (?) in her back-of-the-mag column of Sassy: “I eat your hate like love.”
I eat your hate like love.
at the time i didn’t know it was a Bikini Kill reference, because i was cool enough to have a Sassy subscription but not cool enough to know who Bikini Kill were. but man oh man that stuck with me. it’s problematic if you unpack it, mostly because it’s at odds with the whole “it’s Not About You” wisdom (with which i wholeheartedly agree). but c’mon. I eat your hate like love.
f’yeah!
When I was in college and my shy/awkward friends had a hard time talking to their crushes, I just always repeated “If you are friends with them, you can talk to them, and it’s weird if you don’t talk to them just because you like them.” And several of those crushes became relationships.
I’m not sure how wise that is, but when I realized it, I started doing better talking to people I liked.
Doing the thing is usually less bad than thinking about doing the thing or not doing the thing. Do the thing.
yes, but it is so hard to power through the anxiety stomachache and do the thing!
I say this as a person who has not checked her bank account in eight months and the post box in three and the Important Email account in one and a half. I am so bad at powering through the anxiety stomachache, and I am a very anxious person. But still, it’s good advice.
“Is this (optional) activity better than sitting at home on the couch?” This is a Words of Wisdom from my mom that I always weigh up for myself. Because sometimes the answer is “yes, obviously” and sometimes the answer is “no sitting at home on the couch is great.” So figure out how you feel about the activity and go from there.
When I was in college, I interviewed a woman in the porn industry who was giving a talk about sex and free speech on campus. One of the things she said that stuck with me was “if somebody has a problem with you, that’s THEIR problem. Don’t make it your problem.” It’s not totally revolutionary or anything; it’s just something I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. And, so far (10 years later), I’m still able to tell myself that, and it actually helps.
What would happen if everyone you know behaved like you?
If the worst that would happen is that you would be mildly annoyed sometimes and super-bored because everyone is the same the rest of the time, you’re doing fine.
If you would hate everyone, hate the way they treat you, and feel constantly under attack or misunderstood, then there may be some stuff you need to work out.
This was the best bit of wisdom for how to self-determine if you’re a healthy individual I’ve ever heard. Also works for figuring out whether you need to break up with that person you kind of want to break up with.
“The porcupine in you needs love too.”
My mom has periodically forced me to level with my anxiety by asking “What is the absolute worst outcome?” This was a good strategy for me because I had (have) the tendency to freak out about things like: “What if I don’t get into this graduate program?” “What if I don’t get this job?” “What if [high school boyfriend] and I break up?”
This would not be helpful if you save your anxiety for actually important, devastating things, but if you- like me- tend to obsess about things like “What if my boss thinks this report I wrote is terrible?” then it’s good to remind yourself that the worst case scenarios are usually not that bad.
Yes, and pair that with: “What is the absolute best outcome?”
then “What is the most likely outcome?”
Then you can ponder whether there’s anything you can do to make the most likely skew towards the best end of the spectrum. And either way, it makes the anxiety easier to handle.
My great aunt used to say: “You don’t have to tell everything you know.” And you know what? She was right.
My mother always used to say, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”
Then there’s something that I’ve recently come to on my own: “Nobody wants my advice, and even when they ask for it, they don’t take it.”
I find both of these quite freeing. (Big reveal: I am a perfectionist who thinks she knows how other people should conduct their lives.)
“Hey, I failed out after my first semester of college, it’s okay” Said by my gainfully employed for 30 years super smart Dad with a Masters degree after I almost failed out. That helped a lot in terms of not falling into a shame spiral and actually bouncing back.
Something picked up from somewhere is the idea that when you stop judging other people on superficial stuff, it magically transfers and you stop worrying about other people judging you for the same.
Also I do not get not admitting when you are/were wrong. I mean I get it but do not relate. Guess who’s wrong sometimes? Everybody! Not that big a deal.
Wisdom I got from my dad about 15 years ago. I still remember the corner we were driving around when he said it. “On their deathbed, nobody ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.'”
So that has kind of informed my life.
“The cure for anything is salt water — sweat, tears, or the sea.” – Isak Dinesen
My boyfriend has a talent for accidental zen koans and several months ago he said something like, “I think about how every book, someone wrote that.” I think he went on to expand on that, with the way that a library represents so much work, but that part stuck with me so much.
Someone wrote that. It’s easy to think of the way a work disappoints, but it’s hard to see all the things it did right, and all the effort that took. I regularly get frustrated with a book I liked all the way through which peters out into a not incredible ending. But thinking about how that person wrote it, and how they didn’t want it to suck either…helps me keep perspective when I think about art- especially art that has so many good notes that one wrong notes hits harder. People have such ownership of shows and books and we complain so viciously when it doesn’t live up to our every expectation, and it’s helpful to remember that someone wrote it. A person did that work, and they wanted it to be good and wanted people to like it.
It’s not life shattering, but when I heard him say it I said, DUH and then I said, “oh…hmmm”.
No one gives you a prize for Most Rational. Learning to say “this is a little silly, but I would like [X]” was a life-changer.
My grandfather used to say: Never trust a person who doesn’t like music or animals.
He was absolutely right. I knew he was right when I was a kid and I know he’s right now.
I realised a while ago that I have never had a close friend who wasn’t an ‘animal person’. Someone was asking me why I hadn’t made any particularly close friends at work and without even thinking I said ‘none of them have pets. That’s just weird.’ And then I realised that I am on a totally different wavelength to people who make the choice not to have animals in their lives. I know sometimes the time isn’t right, you live in the city, you’re away too often to look after an animal properly, so it’s less about actually having a pet than being a person who would have a pet given the choice.
Can I be my mother’s hand instead? Because she inherited my grandpa’s feet. So.
I've heard that a lot, but I don't think it's true. I hate bigotry, and while I am sure I am not 100% free of all forms of prejudice myself, I don't hate it *because* I secretly know I am also bigoted, I hate it in both myself and others because it's intrinsically gross, stupid and hurtful.
This is heaps naff, but…
“can’t start a fire / worrying bout your little world falling apart”
I seriously repeat that to myself (or play the song) every time I’m scared of doing a big important thing (e.g moving overseas meant giving up my lovely apartment, doing the course I want meant giving up a well-paying job)
This is heaps naff, but…
"can't start a fire / worrying bout your little world falling apart"
I seriously repeat that to myself (or play the song) every time I'm scared of doing a big important thing (e.g moving overseas meant giving up my lovely apartment, doing the course I want meant giving up a well-paying job)
I really like something Amanda Palmer mentioned in her AMA over at Reddit recently. I’m paraphrasing, but instead of asking yourself what you want, ask how you can be helpful. I really like that as a means of working out what’s worth doing, where to put your focus. I find helping others usually helps me, within reason!
(I’m loving all these pearls of wisdom – I’ve noted down a bunch in my phone to chew over later!)
I really like something Amanda Palmer mentioned in her AMA over at Reddit recently. I'm paraphrasing, but instead of asking yourself what you want, ask how you can be helpful. I really like that as a means of working out what's worth doing, where to put your focus. I find helping others usually helps me, within reason!
(I'm loving all these pearls of wisdom – I've noted down a bunch in my phone to chew over later!)
I use it all the time on my persistent [PERSON REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS] and the reaction is priceless; s/he feels around it looking for gaps and just. can't. find one.
Especially since I'm so cheerful and positive about saying no! A sample conversation, complete with translations:
"Hey, guess what? I made reservations for [insert fait accompli here]!" The whole [GROUP REDACTED] is doing something stressful, time-consuming, and expensive, including you. SURPRISE!
"Oh, we won't be able to make it. Thanks for thinking of us, I'm sure you'll have a blast!" NOPE!
"… is it your schedule? We could make it earlier. Or later." I would like to know why you said no so I can argue about it.
"Nope, it just doesn't work for us. Have fun!" Nope!
"I bought your tickets already." You owe me this, and now you're trapped.
"Oh, that's a shame, but I'm sure you'll find a use for them. Have a great time!" I will not accept responsibility for plans you made on my behalf.
"We REALLY want you to come." If you love me, you'll cave in.
"I know, but we can't make it." Your desires are not my responsibility.
Aaaaaand scene.
“When you apologize for your feelings, you apologize for the truth.” Never apologize for your feelings! I remember this always whenever the husband and I disagree – it helps to get him to acknowledge how and why I feel a certain way, instead of just being hurt or confused by my feelings.
Dad learned this one the hard way: ‘What reason does not put into the mind of a person, reason cannot take out.” It has saved me plenty of times. Thanks, Dad.
An old nursery rhyme that has stuck with me since I was a child and I always fall back on is, The wise old owl sat on an oak, the more he heard, the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard, why can’t we be like this wise old bird. Just a really good reminder that it’s important to shut up and listen, you learn more fromabout people that way.