“Just to be safe, let’s marry our cousins.” “To be safe from what?” “…Just to be safe. For safety.” – Dynastic Egypt
Clubs: Mathletes, Model UN, Astronomy Club, Yearbook Committee, City Planning Club, 4-H – Ancient Mesopotamia.
“Quiet, you.” – Sparta
“Oh, do we have to have a god? Fine. Fine. We pick…fire. That fire over there, our god is fire now, you must respect our religious views and our religious views are that fire is amazing.” – Ancient Persia
“Carthage must be…something something.” – The Roman Republic
“Lemons and oregano, we’re set. Let’s never change.” – Hellenistic Greece
“Hello, I’m Cai Lun. You may have noticed that I have invented paper. Here, have some. It’s nothing. I can make more. If you’d like to have sex with me, as the inventor of paper, I certainly would not object.” – The Han Dynasty
“Hmm, yes. Interesting. But…can we have sex with it?” – The Roman Empire
“Just to be safe, let’s poison all of our cousins.” “To be safe from what?” “…Just to be safe. For safety.” – The Middle Ages
“Oh, just let the Habsburgs have it, if they want it so much.” – The Renaissance
“Hello, hi. I’m Ben Franklin. You should have sex with me. I’ve invented newspapers.” – The Enlightenment
“We have no formal affiliation with any future overpriced novelty hardware stores.” – The Restoration
“Ben Franklin again. You should have sex with me. I’ve invented the fire department, and possibly bifocals. You won’t need them now, of course, but eventually they’ll come in very handy, especially if you want to read the newspaper in twenty years. Which I also invented.” – The Enlightenment again
“Just to be safe, let’s marry our cousins.” “To be safe from what?” “…Just to be safe. For safety.” – Regency England
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.