Watkins Ale: A Really Dirty Song From the English Renaissance

by Nicole Cliffe · October 11, 2013

This is maybe the most beautiful and sprightly song about male ejaculate ever* written, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Personally, I prefer the version performed by Custer LaRue and the Baltimore Consort, but you have to fast-forward to the end of the eponymous album to get to it. Now you, like me, can never watch movies about olden people dancing again without thinking those songs are about come.**

I thought that it would be fun to share some of our weirder favourite songs this fine Friday. The Captain Beefhearts, the novelty singles, the bawdy 16th century pub songs. What have you got?

*Close second (NSFW).
**I refuse to acknowledge any alternate spelling of that word, unless you are Liz Phair in which case, do what you want, you’ve earned it.

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Nicole Cliffe

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26 Comments

  1. Alice +3

    of the many traditional irish folk songs about erectile dysfunction, this is easily my favourite
    http://youtu.be/Y1mrAMX56jE

    when i used to be a historical reenactor we would sing this song* in bawdy all- female groups, which was literally as much fun as i ever expect to have doing anything.

    * not historically accurate, but then if you are reenacting 16th century England many things which are fun are not historically accurate, and many thing which are historically accurate are not fun.

  3. Story #2 +16

    Before I propose any songs, I’d just like to say that people who spell it “cum” deserve to have it pronounced “coom,” because clearly they are using the Latin word for “with,” right?

  6. Lu2 +3

    “I refuse to acknowledge any alternate spelling of that word.”
    THANK you for that. And yes, Story #2, an excellent requirement.

  7. lyetteann +10

    In the middle of the Medieval morality play “Mankind”, which is all about getting one’s soul saved, there is a scatalogical song that includes the word “shiteth” (spelled “schytyth” in Middle English) sung by the comic-relief demons. It is known in academic circles as “The Shitty Britches Song.”

    I don’t know that that play saved many souls, since the demons are far and away the best part of it.

  9. Alice +4

    of the many traditional irish folk songs about erectile dysfunction, this is easily my favourite
    http://youtu.be/Y1mrAMX56jE

    when i was was a historical re- enactor we used to sit around singing this song* is large bawdy all- women groups, which was about as much fun as i expect to have doing anything.

    *not historically accurate, but when you are re- enacting 16th century England, many activities which are fun are not historically accurate, and vice versa.

  12. mbculver +5

    So when I was a wee tot my father introduced me to Tom Lehrer and Flanders & Swann. Lehrer is great and is a bit better known here in the U.S., but Flanders & Swann were even better. They were a British duo who sang light comic songs in the late 50s/early 60s.

    I was the only other family member who loved them, so my dad and I used to quote them at each other regularly as a sort of decades-long private joke. Our favorite was “The Reluctant Cannibal” – which you can hear here, in the middle of the 3-song recording. But they are all brilliant. (No references to male ejaculate, though, sorry.)

      1. mbculver +3

        I’ve lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn…gone!

        Wish I could see video of that variety show performance. I could never get the second ‘pop’ sound right in that song. Once I was upset about something in high school, and my dad put that song on the record player and made me dance around with him, and then even I, a sophisticated and cool teenager, couldn’t help laughing.

    2. slightlysatan +2

      Flanders and Swann and Tom Lehrer are part of our family tradition! My parents used to play their music in the car on long trips, and we all know it all by heart. Yes, we’re definitely weird and nerdy, but what’s not to love about the ‘roast leg of insurance salesman’.

  13. Bittersweet

    So when I was a wee tot my father introduced me to Tom Lehrer and Flanders & Swann. Lehrer is great and is a bit better known here in the U.S., but Flanders & Swann were even better. They were a British duo who sang light comic songs in the late 50s/early 60s.

    I was the only other family member who loved them, so my dad and I used to quote them at each other regularly as a sort of decades-long private joke. Our favorite was "The Reluctant Cannibal" – which you can hear here, in the middle of the 3-song recording. But they are all brilliant. (No references to male ejaculate, though, sorry.)

  14. elsamac +8

    Someday we’re all going to sit around the campfire and I’ll tell my carefully researched tale of how Sonnet 130 (My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun) is ABSOLUTELY FILTHY.

  15. Elsa

    Someday we're all going to sit around the campfire and I'll tell my carefully researched tale of how Sonnet 130 (My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun) is ABSOLUTELY FILTHY.

  17. BentleyOwen +3

    So quotable!

    “With that, behard a lad,
    What talke this maiden had,
    Whereof he was full glad”

    “With that the mayd began to smile,
    And saide, good sir, full well I know,
    Your ale, I see, runs very low”

    “All winkers are not blind”

    And the phrase “gave her well of Watkin’s Ale,” that has to be put into general circulation, right?

  18. Bittersweet

    I've lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn…gone!

    Wish I could see video of that variety show performance. I could never get the second 'pop' sound right in that song. Once I was upset about something in high school, and my dad put that song on the record player and made me dance around with him, and then even I, a sophisticated and cool teenager, couldn't help laughing.