Previously: A Mouse, An Interloper.
Mallory has gone to Utah to visit Nicole, and Utah has thus far lived up to all expectations. We will be providing you with semi-regular updates of our adventures together, because life is short and time is fleeting.
This week, a small child voluntarily spoke my name aloud and then settled herself into my lap, because I am not completely lost to better things. To be more specific, the small child was Nicole’s baby Amelia; I do not make a habit of reading to any young person who attempts to insinuate herself onto my person. Amelia is not given to unnecessary affection; this marked the zenith of our heretofore friendly but strictly professional relationship, and made me very happy.
What are you going to do this weekend? Mallory and Nicole are going to feed newly weaned mini horses. Somehow Nicole has managed to wangle an invitation to join a friend who is mini-horse sitting, a job which Mallory was previously unaware existed. Yes, we have heard mini horses aren’t actually very nice, to which we would like to point out: were you aware that mini horses sometimes have naturally ombré manes? Think about that.
What are you up to this weekend? We’re going to make banana bread, and Mallory is thinking very seriously about leaving the house at some point and going outside. In the spirit of truth-telling, it should be noted that Nicole will probably make the banana bread, and Mallory will vaguely check Twitter on her phone in the kitchen, which isn’t not helping, if you think about it.
Nicole learned that Lars von Trier is a Catholic convert while watching the scene from Antichrist where the fox eviscerates itself, and then both of us spent the rest of the evening trying to growl “CHAOS REIGNS” in as menacing a manner as possible. We also argued whether or not watching a scary movie with your hands slightly over your eyes (but not actually blocking your field of vision) has an evolutionary basis (Nicole leans towards maybe; Mallory leans towards no.)
Pictures of tiny horses to come. See you Monday.
Tags: meta, nicole and mallory, tiny horses, vaguely checking twitter
I hide my eyes during horror movies and the British version of The Office.
What a heartwarming baby story! (I demand more baby/parenting content not written by me on The Toast, btw) but where are the photos of the mini horses? and potentially a baby riding a mini horse.
I don’t watch horror movies anymore, but my sister and I hid behind a record album when we watched Poltergeist as kids. Why we didn’t just turn off the movie, I don’t know. You’ll be able to tell what decade it was when I tell you we were watching it on Betamax and hiding behind Ghost in the Machine. Really.
Love the baby story! I would consider writing about parenting but there’s only so much you can say about juggling after-school activities and pestering your 10-year-old to put her clothes in the hamper.
And yes, baby on mini horse photos please!
I saw Jurassic Park in theaters with my dad when I was 9, and I spent about half of the movie hiding in his baseball cap (it was pulled over my eyes). Still loved the movie though. I guess it’s not properly a horror movie, but dinosaurs were eating people and also VELOCIRAPTORS, so.
I also do this while watching the British Office. I can manage to not do it if I get drunk first, though.
LITTLE SEBASTIAN. Is it Little Sebastian!?!?
As Leslie reminds us, “Sebastian may have been li’l, but his impact on this town and the Parks Department was anything but li’l.”
you rang?
HOLYSHIT THEY GOT LIL SEBASTIAN!
Oh god that picture is adorable and it has been so long since I’ve spent time with a little one that young. Who wants to lend me one
I’ve spares!
I’d love to take one off your hands for a while. (just one. I can’t handle more than one.)
I will hang out with ALL THREE as long as there are at least two other adults in the room with me and them at all times. Once they outnumber you, you are lost.
Yes, whenever friends or family members have a third child, we remind them that now they will be forever playing zone defense instead of man-to-man.
yes, THAT PHOTO. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I also just noticed Mallory’s booties.
Whoa, you actually watched Antichrist and lived to write about it? I am in awe of your fortitude; just reading about that movie makes me feel ill. And I made it through Irreversible, so that’s saying something.
is Antichrist the one with the clit and the scissors and the dead kid?
Yep that’s the one. I have a love/hate relationship with his films. He can be so brilliant (Breaking the Waves/ Melanchollia) and so sick & repulsive (Antichrist/ Dogville). I’m apprehensive about his new film “Nymphomaniac”. Sounds intriguing but a grueling watch to be sure.
Aw, what are you reading to her? Nicole, you should write a Kids’ Books That Don’t Make You Want to Eviscerate Yourself column.
Oh man! I work at a book store (and regularly in the kids’ section) and there is a new-ish book called “Rosie Revere, Engineer” that is pretty much the best thing.
Also the only Sandra Boynton book I ever recommend to anyone is “But Not the Hippopotamus” because the end slays me every time.
Also “Tickle Time,” also “The Belly-Button Book.”
Also “Hippos Go Berserk” also ALL OF THEM.
It’s one of Mo Willem’s Elephant and Piggy books, but I can’t tell which one. (They’re all boss.)
EACH ONE IS A TREASURE, and, yes, there will be a post.
We have “Today I Will Fly,” and I think we’ve taken all the rest out of the library at some point. Have you guys read “Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs” yet? It is amazing.
Goldilocks and the 3 Dinosaurs is great, but it always makes me crave chocolate pudding.
The Frances books, written by Riddley Walker author Russell Hoban! Whenever I end up reading them to one of our passel of nieces and nephews, I have to suppress snorts of laughter.
We have all of them! A Bargain For Frances is the definitive How To Deal With A Frenemy Manual in our house.
what I am
is tired of jam
Also, I wish they really made Chompo bars.
I keep promising myself that I’ll make homemade CHOMPO bars for my sister for her birthday, complete with the green-and-white striped paper. ““Chompo Bars have a soft nougat part inside, and there is a chewy caramel part around that, and the outside is chocolate with nuts.” It shouldn’t be toooooooo hard. I even have foodsafe stamps to press “CHOMPO” into the chocolate.
I also think this might be the year that I make Frances’ lunch for my eldest sister’s birthday:
” ‘I have a thermos bottle with cream of tomato soup,’ she said. ‘And a lobster-salad sandwich on thin slices of white bread. I have celery, carrot sticks, and black olives, and a little cardboard shaker of salt for the celery. And two plums and a tiny basket of cherries. And vanilla pudding with chocolate sprinkles and a spoon to eat it with.’ “
the paperbag princess!!! I think this book sparked my baby feminist tendencies.
I Want My Hat Back! I came across the book the other day and it’s about a bear asking all the woodland creatures he comes across if they’ve seen his missing hat. Totally dark and deadpan, but simple and straightforward with cool illustrations. It made me snort a lot.
this is my favorite series. start a toast commune, please.
sorry, a the-toast commune. not just toast, the-toast dot net commune.
But also may we please have toast? Cinnamon toast and toast with honey and BLTs on toast and toast soldiers to dip into our breakfast eggs? Puh-leeeeese?
I’ll toast to that.
No no no no–you cover your EARS during a horror movie, because:
1. If necessary, you can always shut your eyes
2. They’re rarely scary without sound, and you’ll miss less plot
3. It leaves you less vulnerable to attack by cruel movie-watching companions, and/or supernatural entities.
My strategy is to cover my ears and close my good eye, so that I can only see vague shapes and blobs and I can only hear faint, muffled noises.
Why no, I do not enjoy being frightened.
Oh wow! I never thought to just take my glasses off while watching the scary bits.
Next scary movie: do your worst!
(don’t really do your worst. Or, go ahead, I just won’t be there.)
Too many horror movies rely too heavily on the jump-out-and-scare you method, accompanied by loud noises, so I always plug my ears when I sense that one of those moments is coming. If you can’t scare me with something other than loud noises, Movie, then you are rubbish.
I always turn the soundtracks off on video games for this reason. I know, I know, Skyrim’s music is fantastic but also: the ‘dragon is approaching’ theme makes me tense up and throw the controller at someone else to kill it for me. One day I had it muted while my boyfriend was on the phone and I slew the dragon BY MYSELF. Solutions! (Slewtions?)
Replying many weeks after this just to say I COVER MY EARS TOO AND EVERYONE THINKS I’M WEIRD.
Solidarity.
You know EXACTLY what I think about ombre
But does this stance apply to tiny tiny horses?
I guess they get a pass if they let me braid it and put flowers in it.
And by me I guess I mean you, can you braid their manes and put flowers in them? LMK
In the neighborhood where I used to live, there was a man who had a miniature horse ON HIS URBAN RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY and would take it for walks like a doggie.
Service mini-horses are now officially allowed on (one system of) buses in LA. I keep hoping I’ll see one so I can…say “eeee” really quietly while never ever ever bothering a service animal
Oh my god the service mini-horses WITH THE TINY HORSE SNEAKERS I would just die.
You can get a Service HORSE?
I work at a college with a policy on service animals and a SEPARATE one on service horses. I have never seen a service mini-horse on campus 🙁
I would expect mini-horse sitting to be rather uncomfortable. Somewhere between a squat and a perch. Exposing oneself to the risk of being thrown without experiencing any of the satisfaction of the basic functions of a seat.
Are there any photos of the said Man sitting on the said mini-horse?
While signing in to comment above I somehow accidentally typed “whizzdump” and made myself laugh. It’s official: I’ll never grow out of toilet humor.
that’s a really quick one. like, “Hang on a minute, I just have to go take a whizzdump”
If you grow out of toilet humor, I’m not sure I care to know you. FART JOKES FOREVER.
So this is the open thread, right? Or should I expect a photo of booze and cake later?
nevermind, found it –
Tomorrow my baseball team is having an end-of-season awards banquet. It’s going to be fun because we are not jocks, we are punks and artists. I’m spray-painting a twelve pack of PBR cans gold; those are our trophies. One dude made baseball cards that look just like MLB baseball cards from different eras.
I am super jealous of you that you have a baseball team to play on! Is it a city interleague thing or is it just whoever shows up?
This year there were 7 teams from either San Francisco or Oakland, so it’s a small league we started that is not the most organized. Basically it’s up to each “Manager” (that’s me) to buy all the gear and make sure everyone shows up. We hop fences/break into fields or sometimes get permits. We pay umpires (people from other teams) in beer. I do feel very lucky to be a part of something so fun, except for the fact that I’ve broken both my elbows and dislocated my shoulder in the last year and a half (I am a mess).
oh my God I want to make fun of you so much right now J
Rightfully so.
Stupid mini horses. Stupid tempting mini horses. “Oh, look at me, I’m adorable and wee with more flowing mane and tail than is logical for my size. Look at my adorable muzzle, perfect to fit in your cupped hand and gently lip up the food you feed me and then BITE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I’M A TINY ASSHOLE”
It’s like fan fic but real! Oh no I’m a creeeeeeep
Yes, whenever friends or family members have a third child, we remind them that now they will be forever playing zone defense instead of man-to-man.
what I am
is tired of jam
Also, I wish they really made Chompo bars.
I keep promising myself that I'll make homemade CHOMPO bars for my sister for her birthday, complete with the green-and-white striped paper. "“Chompo Bars have a soft nougat part inside, and there is a chewy caramel part around that, and the outside is chocolate with nuts." It shouldn't be toooooooo hard. I even have foodsafe stamps to press "CHOMPO" into the chocolate.
I also think this might be the year that I make Frances' lunch for my eldest sister's birthday:
" 'I have a thermos bottle with cream of tomato soup,' she said. 'And a lobster-salad sandwich on thin slices of white bread. I have celery, carrot sticks, and black olives, and a little cardboard shaker of salt for the celery. And two plums and a tiny basket of cherries. And vanilla pudding with chocolate sprinkles and a spoon to eat it with.' "
My baby girls is learning to speak right now, for her the world is a great & new place 🙂
If you grow out of toilet humor, I'm not sure I care to know you. FART JOKES FOREVER.
Ah, love this blog you guys! pretty new to it. but yeah between “chaos reigns” and “I’m an oil man ladies and gentlemen/ this is my son H.W.” I haven’t really needed any other impressions or jokes for about 4 years.