What Nicole and Mallory Did Together Today

by Nicole and Mallory · October 8, 2013

mouseMallory has gone to Utah to visit Nicole, and Utah has thus far lived up to all expectations. We will be providing you with semi-regular updates of our adventures together, because life is short and time is fleeting. So far we have made carnitas and pumpkin chocolate-chip bread and gone to the mall.

Sunday night, the cat (heretofore known as Cat) dragged a mouse (hereby known as Brimley) into the master bedroom, where both of our heroes were blogging heroically and also watching, if memory serves, either Behind the Candelabra or the season three premiere of Scandal, but it might have been something else. Brimley was the Platonic ideal of a mouse: small and mouse-shaped, particularly grey, and possessed of a lovely set of giant ears. He terrified us all. Here is our story (for those of you who are faint of heart, a spoiler alert: the mouse survived, as did the cat. Nicole’s baby slept soundly and remained unhurt in her bedroom).

Nicole would like to add that Cat does this several times a week, and the obvious “do not let your cat outside” solution is only workable if you can sleep over the dulcet tones of Cat delivering elaborate monologues about sovereignty and cultural imperialism and Cat’s Rights and the pursuit of happiness, and also that Cat, when relented to, then crunches mouse bones very loudly, very deeply under the bed into the small hours of the morning. She is a country cat, and formerly a Brooklyn street cat, and she isn’t going to change.

Tonight’s schedule involves watching Lost and Delirious with the ladies of Autostraddle, as part of our upcoming “The Toast and Autostraddle Watch Bad Gay Movies” series, and also Five Guys. Nicole worked out this afternoon, and Mallory attempted to soothe Nicole’s baby, with success in the sense that the baby is still alive. Nicole’s hammer curls were great.

See you tomorrow.

(Ed. note: Related to the general treatment of mice, the title of this article should not be “Why Binge Drinking Makes You More Likely to Break Your Bones” but “Scientists Get Mice Drunk, Then Injure Them.” You monsters.)

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Nicole and Mallory

Nicole and Mallory

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72 Comments

  1. elsamac +36

    I want “She is a country cat, and formerly a Brooklyn street cat” carved on my tombstone.

  2. icebergmama +16

    “oh he’s so cute I don’t want him to die but I also don’t ever want him to touch me”

    this would have been my reaction.

    I loved this! More Adventures please.

    1. alexiscoe +28

      One day I will compile a list of things Mallory is ambivalent about. It will be long, and I will rank them, but my favorite will likely remain the same:

      “Skin is amazing, but also disgusting.”

    1. elsamac +16

      AND SHE ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE!

      I can’t decide whether “She is a country cat, and formerly a Brooklyn street cat, and she isn’t going to change” would be better on my new business cards, or as the intro to a country song, or both.

  4. bgprincipessa +8

    PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP BREAD, YES. That is what I’ll be doing this weekend. I have only ever made pumpkin chocolate chip cake though, so can someone teach me the difference between bread and cake?

    Also please tell me that Mallory, Nicole, and Nicole’s husband were all hanging out on the bed together, 4th grade sleepover style? Head to toe even?

    1. NicoleCliffe +20

      The answer to your first question: there is no difference.

      The answer to your second question: that’s a thing that has happened.

      The answer to your third question: that is not a thing that has happened.

    2. Lily Rowan +1

      I totally made pumpkin chocolate chip cake/bread last weekend!

      PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP CAKE/BREAD FOR ALL.

    3. emily_white +5

      The bread/cake distinction is, I believe, the same as the muffins/cupcakes distinction, which is somewhat artificial–all cakes are quickbreads but not all quickbreads are cakes.

      In my practical baking experience, cakes usually involve creaming butter and sugar together, whereas breads/muffins involve either oil or melted butter for their fat content. But not always!

  5. summercampbitch +8

    wait wait wait, I wanna know more about the part where you’re watching bad gay movies with the AS ladies!!? Will these movies be reviewed? Live? On twitter maybe?

        1. NicoleCliffe +10

          We are doing this thing. It will be on The Toast and on Autostraddle. Details to follow.

      2. summercampbitch +24

        Also where can I make nominations for Friday Fem(me) Slash!? Cause CONNIE BRITTON AND KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND WERE COLLEGE ROOMMATES.

  6. mkpatter +8

    Are you SERIOUSLY not posting a link to the pumpkin chocolate chip bread recipe, YOU MONSTERS!?

      1. msjinxie +4

        You trickster! Both of those links just link back to this very post – you have no intention of sharing either recipe, do you??

        1. NicoleCliffe +3

          They should be fine now. For some reason, links only redirect back to the site unless I do them directly from IntenseDebate, which is…a thing.

      2. bgprincipessa +2

        “1) Preheat the oven to 350°F. Lightly grease two 8 1/2″ x 4 1/2″ loaf pans (if you’re making the plain version of the bread); two 9″ x 5″ loaf pans (if you’re adding chocolate chips and nuts); or one of each, if you’re making one plain loaf, and one loaf with chips and nuts.”

        We’re considering this simple? My head hurts and it’s only step 1.
        No I mean I guess it’s fine, I will try it but I make no promises. Also I only have ONE of those pans and who knows what size it is, but that’s what I’m using, stop bossing me around recipe.

          1. bgprincipessa +2

            How did you know that I have a muffin tray which is still to date unused? You’re brilliant!

  7. meetapossum +8

    We had a mouse in my apartment that my roommate let outside, and then the next day I saw ANOTHER (the same?) mouse in my room. I have a cat. I tried desperately before work to catch the mouse in Tupperware, but he kept running under the bed. I kept trying to shove the cat under the bed to go after it, but he just kept coming back out with a “wtf are you doing, lady?” face. It was getting late so I said, “Mouse, I am trying to set you free, and you’re not being very cooperative. If you stay here, the cat WILL get you and it will be far worse than me catching you.” Then I spent the whole day afraid that I would come home to a mouse corpse on my bed.

    The next day my roommate found a little mouse body underneath his clothes in the bathroom. Sorry, mouse! I did warn you.

    1. MrsTeacherFace +1

      We have a very similar situation with the lizards that insist on coming inside our house. We have two cats who love to eat the feet off of lizards. We try to get to them before the cats do, but they will not always listen to reason and come down off of the wall. The cats once, somehow, left a lizard corpse inside the couch cover on our couch. That or the lizard was in there and one of us leaned up against and squished him. He did not smell nice.

      However, the cats absolutely refuse to capture or eat roaches/water bugs when they break into our house, so that burden is on my husband and I.

    1. cuntessvonfingerbang +7

      It’s like everyone I love on the internet is hanging out together without me! (Again.) Get the ladies from Tits and Sass on board and I will LOSE. MY. MIND.

  9. johnwthompson +16

    A prime opportunity to write the phrase “pursuit of cattiness”, senselessly squandered.

    My cat used to bring in garter snakes from the creek behind our house. Harmless and pretty little things. He would sometimes kill mice (and ruin my shirts with mouse blood 🙁 ) but mostly we would see him walking around with something in his mouth and then he’d drop it and a mouse would start scurrying away, and he’d act surprised and pick it up again. We saved a fair few rodents from Shamu’s whim.

    I wonder if the impulse to play with food is natural in adult cats or a product of cultivated neoteny in pets.

    1. RubeksCube +5

      We used to have a cat who would bring home baby rattlesnakes. Alive. And then proceed to toy with them before killing them. Terrified my grandmother (who was already afraid of anything and everything reptilian) to bits.

    2. Spriggina +1

      “I wonder if the impulse to play with food is natural in adult cats or a product of cultivated neoteny in pets. ”

      I’ve wondered this on more than one occasion. The best job ever would be to study African wildcats and/or feral domestic cats behaviour.

      My cat’s favorite prey are insects, especially moths. He caught a cricket once, which impressed me. He then leaves their half-dead bodies to writhe on the floor and *I* have to put them out of their misery.

    1. miprisci +6

      I won’t go so far as to say that, but I will edge closer to the argument that it’s not a good restaurant.

    4. cuntessvonfingerbang +5

      *high five* Seriously fuck that place, there are a million and a half better restaurants out there and at least a million better burger joints. Fatburger all the way.

      1. johnwthompson +1

        You could be spending $12 at a place that has good burgers as well as good fries! SMDH.

        1. NicoleCliffe +39

          WE ARE IN UTAH. WE HAVE TO DRIVE TWENTY MINUTES TO GET TO FIVE GUYS. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE.

          The only place that delivers to my house, which is on the side of a literal mountain, is Domino’s, and “only if it’s not snowing.”

          ALSO, fuck you, I love Five Guys.

          1. johnwthompson +10

            hey I’m not responsible for your poor restaurant choices… what about MY rights

        1. NicoleCliffe +71

          “Who the fuck is the guy in the comments who doesn’t like Five Guys?” – actual international telephone call from my mom

          2. johnwthompson +6

            WHO AM I? I’M THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE, THAT’S WHO I AM. BRING IT ON MRS. CLIFFE

            I’M SURE YOU’RE A LOVELY WOMAN BUT THIS IS ABOUT WHAT’S RIGHT AND WRONG

  11. jfruh +24

    UGH, cat’s without killer instincts, UGH. My cat once carried a tiny terrified mouse in its mouth and dropped it at my feet, only to sit motionless as the mouse ran away in total panic and I screamed girlishly. “Bye mouse friend!” the cat said. “Let’s do this tomorrow, it was fun!”

  12. joliekerr +21

    I’m lunching with Jane tomorrow. Can we find a way to make this a foursome? Skype? Magic? Magic.

    1. MalloryOrtberg +12

      OH MY GOD YES. If you eat a salad, take a picture of it and tell us what is in it! HOW WAS YOUR HONEYMOON?? Did you get my texts?? Hi! This is probably something I should do on email.

      1. NicoleCliffe +37

        HOW WAS THE WEDDING NIGHT? Remember that vampire babies gestate WAY faster, and also if anyone could get that room clean and looking like you didn’t have crazy monster sex in it, it’s you.

        1. joliekerr +12

          Dyingggggggg. (Oh and I have stories about washing my insane wedding night lingerie, of course.)

      2. joliekerr +18

        Wait, no I didn’t get texts! I will take it to email but hi hi hi hi hi miss you girls I wish I was there with the baby and the bloggers and the husband and the mouse but not so much the cat sorrrrrrrrryyyyyyy cat.

  13. maddoxkpennington +6

    I can’t decide whether I’m more jealous of Mallory or Nicole or the cat or, I guess, the mouse….

    I have the same problem with the mice in my apartment. Whenever I get a good look at them I’m like “aww, cute!” but whenever they’re just a fleeting grey blur CRAWLING ON EVERYTHING AND POOPING, GOD, EVERYWHERE It’s like “KILL IT KILL IT KIIIIILL IT”

    1. MrsTeacherFace +3

      I love to see them in my garden, but I’m not a fan of hearing them IN MY WALLS.

  14. majoseh +10

    My cat only brings mice to the house when we have guests. Most of the time she is the most lazy useless cat, but when we have company she decides to PROVE HERSELF and goes into Wild Cat Mode.

  15. clarissapalooza +1

    if you drink a bunch of wine while watching Lost and Delirious, you can pretend it’s not terrible! alternatively, only watch the first 2/3 and enjoy Piper Perabo makin’ out with Jessica Pare.

    1. elsamac +9

      I went from not remembering which of a bunch of not-good movies L&D was to wanting to watch it like this [*leans forward, perches chin on curled hands*]. Piper Perabo and Jessica Pare? That is a whole lot of mouth on a whole lot of mouth.

    2. NicoleCliffe +7

      I am actually obsessed with Jessica Paré, so much so that I googled and cut and pasted the “é.”

      1. Dana +2

        You can actually switch your keyboard to Canadian Multillingual Standard and then the é is question mark. Question mark becomes 6+ shift.

        -Signed, A Canadian

        1. tibia_ +4

          If you have a mac you can press option e, then e! ééé. (this works in various forms for most diacriticals too. yåy 4 vøwêls, ü knów?)

  16. Donkey_Cabbages +1

    I LOVE UTAH SO MUCH. I miss it. I also love cats, but my cat came with me to study in the dreary winters of Western New York. The bright blue mountain skies did not come with me, nor did the powdery snow. Nor did the Mexican food.

  18. LeastBittern +22

    Several years ago, spouse and I were having one of those awful prolonged arguments that last until wee hours and are not very important in retrospect. The cat began to frantically paw at the underside of the stove, an area where he swatted most of his toys. Mid declamation, I got a stick and swept all the contents of the underside stove out onto the floor. This included a large rat – and several cat toys. The argument was immediately forgotten, but I will never forget the look my cat gave me – it’s a look I’ve never seen on a cat’s face before or since. He was IMPRESSED by my rat dislodging skills.

    Ever since, he’s brought unharmed things into the house so I can do my stick sweeping trick again. It’s hard to be mad when he’s so excited about it – “Do the thing! Show mousie the thing!”

  19. briliantmistake +3

    There was a short stretch of time when my cat (now gone to the kitty beyond) brought home live critters on the regular, including one incident when I awoke to find her sitting on my chest with a live chipmunk in her mouth.

    Thanks to friends who had to train critters as part of their research*, I had learned that such wee furries, when out in the open, are very focused on finding a nice dark hole to cower in. So when a cat “present” got loose in the house, I would put down a poster tube along a wall near where the poor thing was cowering and give the intruder a nudge. They would usually run right into the tube, and I could carry it outside to release them. I soon also realized that the better course of action was to curtail the cat’s outside time. Thus ended her brief but bloody foray into being an indoor/outdoor cat.

    *They were training flying squirrels to glide in the lab (or off balconies around campus) so they could film them with high speed video cameras. They would set out a dark box for the squirrel and they would run right into it.

  22. ProfPumps +3

    How has no one asked the most important question: is the picture a symbolic representation, or the actual adorable cat and adorable mouse?! ADORABLE.