Early Signs of Pregnancy -The Toast

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Mild to moderate telekinesis

Occasional skin leakage

Shadow loss

Pearls or roses falling from mouth during speech

Reverse fingernails

Occasional resistance to thermodynamics

Breasts disappear

Precognition (for restaurant lunch specials only)

Total memory loss

Lung fossilization

Sudden-Onset Unexplained Eye Syndrome

Dawn terrors

Partial memory loss

Sound allergy

Total memory awareness

Muscle wandering

Constant involuntary daytime hissing

Occasional transfiguration into swan

Sudden quarrel with bees


Total authority over the coming harvest

Inability to urinate

Mood removal

Neck migration

Unexplained gold

Permanent Tetris Effect

Phantom honesty

Periodic continent disappearance

Hearing but not seeing witches

Permanent dreams

Total ancestor loss

Living sphinx appears in garden

Increased air of maddening mystery

Sudden appearance of a graceful, mouthless lady’s companion

Uterus whirpool

Blood enlargement

Peaceful hands

Irreversible involuntary silence

Suspicious of trees

Unable to touch eggs without breaking them

Full-body hallucinations

Anger-induced earthquakes

Loss of ability to speak to birds

Back ecstasy

Some sleep-induced levitation

Reversible Death Syndrome

No longer needing to eat or drink; capable of living on light alone

Spiders suddenly understand and obey your commands

Spontaneous name change

Hundred-year coma

Begin speaking only in riddles

Minor haunting

Night resentment

Persistent hepatomancy

Inability to sing

Smiles that draw blood

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