Scientists, who should know, would like to report after years of exhaustive study that all of the ice is fine and there’s no need for you to come see for yourself. Don’t come to where the ice is. Don’t come to where the north ice is, don’t come to where the south ice is. You can trust us. We’ll tell you where the ice is: the same place it’s always been, just like normal. What’s the ice doing right now? Being ice, mostly, at the same levels it’s been ice for thousands of years, so you don’t have to overthink it. Just know that the ice is here and you are safe at home and nothing about that needs to change.
Remember all the ice that used to be in Antarctica? Great news: it’s still there, just like how it was before, and there’s plenty of it to go around. All the animals are the same here, too, so no need to ask about them again. Penguins still live here and they walk very normally. All of the bears still have their faces and skin in the usual places and they very much enjoy all the ice that’s here for them to live on. Normal, normal ice.
Nothing’s different about the ice. Nothing has recently changed about the ice. We don’t have any pictures of the ice, so stop asking. Icebergs are the same as before and they’re not moving and there’s not any more of them that there used to be, so you can stop writing articles about the icebergs now, okay? Thank you, great.
Were you worried about the ice? Don’t be. Stop worrying, right now, and don’t ask us any more questions about the ice. We’re very busy and we don’t think that you should ask us any more questions about the ice, since there’s so much of it and it’s so normal.
We tested the ice. All of it. Tests showed the ice was good. Real good. Not going anywhere, not doing anything ice shouldn’t do, just normal ice that stays in an ice shape. You don’t believe us? Come up and see the ice.
No. Wait. Don’t come up. We don’t…there’s no room for you up here. Too much ice for you to come visit. We wouldn’t have anyplace for you to sleep, with all this ice around. Tell you what: you stay where you are, right now, and the ice will stay where it is — which is the normal places, Antarctica and so on — doing what it does, quietly being ice. Freezing the top and also the bottom of the world, which it needs to because that’s normal, and that’s what the ice left up here is: so normal.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.