Inara wearing a dress that was clearly repurposed from Tara’s wardrobe.
Other entries in the series can be found here. Most recently: Ann/Leslie Are Endgame.
I feel nervous about this one, like Indiana Jones right before he stole that idol and got crushed to death by the giant rock. Talking about Joss Whedon shows on the Internet is a fraught prospect. And yet I am willing to put my head in the lion’s mouth, because for all the ink that has been flung about over Firefly over the last ten years, not nearly enough of it has been about lesbians in outer space.
[10,000-word {951 of which are “problematic”} essay about Joss Whedon and intersectional feminism]
[20,000-word essay about why Zoë is the most attractive woman in the ‘Verse]
Okay, moving on: it is my deeply-held personal belief that Kaylee Frye and Inara Serra from Firefly should be having lesbian sex (with each other) in outer space. In order to get there, however, there are a few preexisting entanglements that we’re going to have to get out of the way; namely Mal Reynolds and Simon Tam.
Mal, I’m sorry. We have almost the same name, and it’s real fun when you insult people, but you are going to have to get gone for the greater good (the greater good is space lesbianism). It is my understanding that there are people who consider this character to be sexually charismatic: I have nothing to say to you. Nathan Fillion is a great many things: smooth-faced, a human man, fun on Twitter. To say that this makes Mal Reynolds a romantically compelling character is not only incorrect but a grave disservice to the concept of sexual attraction in general. He dresses like a butch lesbian and I like him a lot, but he is clearly the Dorothy in the Golden Girls lineup of Firefly: like the angels in heaven, he neither gives nor is given in marriage.
It’s become an altogether-too-common trope for two characters who routinely snipe at one another to secretly want to bone one another up (I don’t know how sex works). While this can be done well (see: future installment of Blair/Jo, The Facts of Life), more often it just makes viewers wonder what on earth these people would talk about if they ever got together and “sexy insults” turned into “regular insults that wear down affection.” I don’t find it charming when Mal calls Inara a whore. It does not make me root for these two crazy kids to get together, even if he does get angry when other people call her names.
For all Mal’s posturing about defending Inara from outsiders, he sure doesn’t have a problem insulting her in front of strangers. Kaylee’s not like that.
Inara: “Ambassador” is Mal’s way of saying –
Mal: She’s a whore, Shepherd.
Kaylee: The term is “companion.”
Damn right.
Having disposed of Mal (he’ll be fine, he has the ship, don’t worry about our little buddy), we must turn our attention to Simon.
[pause for laughter]
Simon Tam is perhaps the least convincing heterosexual on television in the last fifteen years. He has a lovely face and is a terrific brother and really outstanding moral fiber, but he has never once in his life wanted to touch a woman’s body outside of his capacity as a doctor. Search within yourself; you know it to be true.
“Ah, Kaylee,” he has never said. “How good to see you, and your breasts. Let us kiss each other with our mouths, now; me with my man’s mouth, and you with your mouth that is a woman’s mouth.”
And yet each of his scenes with Jayne are like watching an old Spencer Tracy/Katharine Hepburn film. 90% of their dialogue could be replaced with “You damned brute. You awful, dirty, monstrous ape of a man, you [pounds ineffectually on chest with fists]. I hate you. I simply can’t stand you” and “Shut your pretty mouth [rough kiss]” and the show would have been substantially improved by it. Simon was the Hepburn of Firefly: smart, arch, lovely, aristocratic, and desperately in need of a rough, earthy man to ground him. Jayne Cobb was his Spencer Tracy. (This, by the way, is how to write sexually charged arguments. Take note, Mal.)
Here is an actual line that Simon has actually said to Jayne:
Simon [to Jayne]: My god. You’re like a trained ape. Without the training.
Which, if I am not mistaken, is also a line from the Hepburn/Tracy classic Woman of the Year.
Simon is Kaylee’s Xander. She needs to go through the experience of having a crush on him, but he is not endgame for her. But this series is not called Why Simon Tam Should Be Explicitly Homosexual; this series is called Femslash Fridays and we must move on to our real goal: praising the hushed, luscious, supportive, mutual love that springs up between the ship’s mechanic and the ship’s Companion over the course of the series.
Who is a better partner for a sex worker: someone who calls her a whore, or someone who cheerfully says “Bye now! Have good sex!” as she goes to her next appointment?
“You have such lovely hair.” One of the first scenes between Kaylee and Inara is quiet, domestic, intimate, and tender — something there’s very little of in the series as a whole. The two of them talk about longing, and art, and swan sculptures, and they motherfucking support one another. They don’t snipe at each other, and they don’t tear each other down, and they don’t send each other mixed signals, and they both think the other is an unbelievably beautiful woman.
Can you imagine how celebratory their sex life would be? It would be like if a living statue of Athena had sex with a living statue of Artemis. There would be nothing but soft silk pillows and low music and jumpsuits and strong character and slippers and strawberries and soft, delighted hums of discovery. It would be playful. Kaylee would almost certainly rig up a series of homemade, ship-powered sex toys the two could use for going to town on one another. (Try to imagine Simon’s terrified reaction to that and tell me the two of them belong together.)
Inara’s work requires an enormous amount of mental and physical energy and generosity — the first lesson a Companion learns, she tells us, is control — and the last thing she needs is a partner who requires constant reassurance and emotional management. I love Mal, but he would be exhausting. Kaylee, though. Kaylee is sexually inquisitive in a way that would charm and delight Inara, but she’s also easygoing and the least moody person to ever draw breath. She would look for ways to make Inara happy; she would bring her gifts, she would ask her questions while respecting her boundaries, and the two of them together would make the ship quake.
Tags: femslash friday, firefly, joss whedon, joss whedon looks like an evil ron howard, making people lesbians by argument, my mixed feelings on joss whedon nothwithstanding
😀 Yesss
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS.
They’re always so happy together! And they only ever moped about the boys.
I’m convinced. I would watch them brush each other’s hair for hours.
I do find Mal to be sexually attractive (quite, ahem), but I always thought he and Inara should never ever be together. He is SO MEAN when he calls her a whore; there’s just no getting past even one instance of something like that, much less a pattern. Mal is strictly a hit it and quit it, for sure.
And Simon and Kaylee? Oooooh, you are so right. Simon’s clear aversion to the doin’ it with beautiful perfect Kaylee always troubled me. But Simon + Jayne would be HOT.
ngl I basically just ship everyone on Serenity/everyone else, and possibly several crossover pairings as well, depending on my mood. for instance, you know who would whip Mal into shape right quick? BUFFY.
That idea just broke my brain.
I mean at least it’s Friday, so you’ve got a couple of days to recover!
Fillion-as-Caleb complicates everything about the crossover, but still—it’s a fascinating pairing to consider.
He could be some ancestor! That is part of why Mal has such distrust of the church now, because he has learned what someone in his family did as a preacher centuries ago. Or you could write some really weird tragic time travel epic to rival that of River Song and the Doctor.
you just changed my life
“ships Buffy with pretty much every fictional character ever” was supposed to be my middle name but it didn’t fit on my birth certificate 🙁
Buffy/Echo? Anyone? Anyone?
I am willing to be sold on it, you should pitch that for Femslash Friday. We need some crossover representation up in here.
Aaaaaand there goes my afternoon; I’ll just be over here daydreaming about Buffy’s facial expressions in response to particularly clueless/assy Mal comments.
yesssssss she would just pull him off by the ear so much, and/or Zoe would just sort of guide her away for sparring practice and let Wash explain to him why his choices are terrible, possibly using hand puppets
I’m literally never going to stop laughing about the Tracy/Hepburn comparison
RIGHT?? It’s so perfect!
Who would like to draw Simon/Jayne fanart for me where Jayne is only wearing Simon’s vest? (You know what I’m talking about.)
This is one of the reasons I’m sad there’s so little Firefly, though– because the characters were written with so much scope for growth and development. Obviously first-season Mal is childish and damaged and doesn’t deserve Inara, but he is also clever and loyal and clearly sees women as people. It’s a complicated depiction of gender roles: the Verse sets up this weird past-future where in theory gender roles are equal (women have respected positions in the military and sex work is under their control and not stigmatized) but then we see constantly that sexism is still pervasive, not just in the backwater planets but also among the rich men who think that buying Inara’s time is buying her. It’s AHP’s postfeminist dystopia: you can experience sex as empowering, but you don’t have control over how your claims are being received and reinterpreted. I mean, that scene where Inara tells Mal she’s happy he slept with her friend and then sobs her eyes out sets up such an interesting potential discussion of sex and love and pleasure and commerce that we (frustratingly) never get to see play out!
God, this makes me so happy. Yes to everything you just said, especially the part about Kaylee being sexually inquisitive and supportive about Inara’s work. So compatible! So need to be together! And you even threw in a nod to Simon/Jayne, which, just, THANK YOU.
Femslash Friday is one of the best things about Fridays. XD
“Cannes was blown away by The Infinite Black Void of Space Is The Warmest Colour.”
Staying in this thread all day.
Mallory, this is the best thing you have ever written.
The Rory/Paris one beats this by a wee margin, I think 😀 Inara/Kaylee is soooo perfect, yum.
But OH DEAR LORD the Hepburn/Tracy thing. I straight-up died.
seconding both of these sentiments.
DO MY TEARS OF STIFLED LAUGHTER GIVE YOU STRENGTH, MALLORY
I want to get this entire thing tattooed on my ass.
HOORAY
you are 1000% correct in this assessment
I was convinced about this from the pilot, Inara’s sweet little “hey, you” and her bright, beaming smile when she sees Kaylee the second she walks back onto the ship.
UH BUT ALSO SIMON AND MAL. Mallory, we’re in a fight.
From the first time we see their eyes meet they have 1000% more chemistry with each other than with anyone else ever. The “hey, you” just slays me — and post-meeting-Book they immediately go off with their arms twined around each others’ waists.
Yeah, when I first watched the pilot I actually thought that Inara and Kaylee were in love. So I was really confused for like an episode or two.
I felt so strongly about this that I actually logged into WordPress, wow.
Unf this is just perfect. Do another one where Zoe pops in for occasional domplay threesomes and it would be extra perfect.
I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
A;SLKDJFA;SLKDJF
Oh my God.
Wait, haven’t we made “Zoe grieves/heals post-Serenity in Inara’s bed” canon yet? I’m fairly certain that’s canon, because how could it not be?
Also I’m sitting here with a hot oil treatment in my hair but seeing Inara’s hair makes me want to just give up and shave it off in defeat.
Morena Baccarin is maybe the only woman i’ve ever disapproved of getting a pixie cut.
Of course her face is perfect too so a pixie looks gorgeous on her, but I wish she’d saved all that hair and just given it to me.
That sounds creepy. I don’t care.
omg but what if she donated it and someone somewhere has that wig
EDIT: just leaning into the creepy
Then I will make it my life’s mission to find that wig.
I actually thought Kaylee was gay for a while. In that first episode, Jayne makes a joke to Simon about how Kaylee “wishes you were a gynecologist” or something like that, but the first time I heard it I thought he said “Kaylee here wishes she were a gynecologist!” So that whole Simon thing was a really rude awakening for me.
I thought she was more on the banging guys end of the spectrum, but not necessarily opposed to lady lovin’? She was pretty intrigued and supportive about Inara’s female client situation, wasn’t she?
Intrigued, supportive, and GIGGLY.
I always thought Jayne was not the only one who reacted to the female client’s arrival with “I’ll be in my bunk.”
That’s what I thought he said too! But then it was never brought up again and I thought “Oh, that went nowhere. :-(“
IS MAL A SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE BEING
Pros: that face, that SMIRK, that hair, that butt
Cons: when he calls Inara a whore so viciously, I worry that he would be incredibly unimaginative and shitty in bed
this comment is giving me such joy
Interesting you say that, because I’ve always thought he was – you know, because he’s so hot and all – but now I’m rethinking. I always thought of him in the same lovable, maverick-y, scruffy yet sexy category as Han Solo, but he’s …not quite seasoned enough? Too much of a jerk?
I’m in the computer room of the university library, silently quaking because of years of library-going is the only thing that’s keeping me from busting a gut over this monitor. Thanks for that.
It would be like if a living statue of Athena had sex with a living statue of Artemis
This is perfect, and feels accurate.
You are 10000 percent correct, and the pilot hints so heavily at this that I definitely thought it was going to happen or at least be alluded to have happened.
But being that I am a straight lady, Simon Tam… such a jawline. I would do terrible things to that frightened little tall dark handsome bunny.
I’d watch Zoe knock him around, sure.
Could there be oil of some kind involved?
(I got a necklace that says ‘cunning’ for my birthday today, in delightful synchronicity.)
YES.
But but but…Inara is so boring. Kaylee deserves not-boring, and Zoe is already taken, and she’s like River’s big sister, so I think she’s going to have to look off the ship for her adorable lesbian relationship.
COUNTER: It is not Inara who is boring, it is the storylines she was (not) given.
Inara has traveled the ‘Verse and lived richly throughout it.
Inara has received top-rate education in many areas and skills.
Inara has skill with both sword and bow, a woman who fights like the proverbial man.
Inara has the ability to command the attention of an entire room.
Priests come to Inara for absolution.
Inara dresses for success.
Inara has known many, biblically.
Conclusion: She is the perfect partner for anyone, but especially for the unjaded, super dextrous, cute-dressing, space happy, sex positive bundle of wonderful joy that is Kaywinnet Leigh Frye.
Further Conclusion: She should have had more episodes. And they should have been better.
you, much like Inara, are a treasure.
also there were the heavy implications that she had a mysterious/dangerous past and was in a self-imposed hiding/exile from the core worlds.
basically yeah it always enraged me that we never got Inara’s backstory–my headcanon is that she had a side gig as an assassin.
The “in case of emergency” SYRINGE! Her knowledge of battlefield medicine! Her handy way with a cover story! Her natural heisting abilities!
She was ever-brilliant and surely holding on to some AMAZING secret we would have gotten in a second or third series.
holy SHIT i’d forgotten about the syringe, she is so obviously a spy!
I thought the syringe was because they were going to have a plot about how she was secretly dying of a terminal disease? Anyway I like your idea WAY BETTER.
Ugh, the plot they were going to do with that syringe was way worse than that. They were going to have a scene where the Reavers attacked, and Inara used the syringe on herself, and the contents would kill the Reavers…after they raped her.
Then Mal would come in, and find all these dead Reavers, suggesting a really terrible gang-rape, and he’d hold her hand, and treat her like a lady.
Please note that I am just barely paraphrasing Tim Minear, and that disgusting “treat her like a lady” line is a direct quote.
Basically, they were going to have a brutal rape scene to make Mal a more likable character.
No fucking thank you. Hearing about that was the only thing that made me feel thrilled that Firefly was cancelled.
Hahahaha, oh man, I cannot help but laugh at that insult of a plotline. “You’re a whore who used your vagina to kill evil people! That finally makes you a lady in my eyes!”
Wow. Yeah, kinda less upset about the cancellation now.
But Joss Whedon took women’s studies! He’s so enlightened! (I know you’re not attributing this particular plot point to him…but it IS his show.)
Yeah. I don’t understand people who act like josh can do no wrong, just because he made buffy and calls himself a feminist. Like there weren’t(verse speak ftw) tons of problematic shit on that show and behind the scenes. I’ll never forget the Riley storyline of Charisma Carter’s firing.
The Mal constantly calling Inara a whore thing is, wait for it, yes, problematic. I get that they were going for the “immature boy who can’t deal with his attraction to a girl so he calls her mean names” thing but to make it such a specifically loaded and vicious insult and repeat it so often is just really hard to move past. And I DO like Mal and find him charismatic/sexually attractive!
I have never considered this ship but now that I have I see that it is right and true. (the stuff about Simon’s sexual preferences did occur to me; almost immediately when he was introduced on the show).
For real, the first time I watched Firefly, I thought Inara was Kaylee’s canon love interest for several episodes, and was super confused when it turned out she wasn’t. After all, Whedon had given us Willow and Tara.
ME TOO! They had such chemistry, right from the beginning.
Will The Toast accept my longform piece about Gina Torres’s mouth?
If they won’t, I will.
This is so good I have nothing to be mad about, despite the numerous veiled snipes at several characters & people that I actually like. (evil Ron Howard?! ok fine.)
How are you gonna tease like that and then make me wait for Jo/Blair though
*fanning face delightedly*
I will never again watch Kaylee deliver the line “Have good sex” without thinking that she is the homebody sending her partner off to work with a smile. When Inara comes home all tired, Kaylee will make her a drink and cuddle her. They would behave like the ideal fifties couple, except that one would be a companion and the other would stay at home puttering about the garage. In space.
They would probably roleplay fifties couple once or twice too.
I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT EVERY SENTENCE OF THIS POST
I need an Inara to my Kaylee. Except the sexing bits, as the hetero is a great failing of mine. But we can have the romantic friendship forever and ever, with the hair-brushing, and the cuddling, and the making fun of Simon for being a useless tool, and I will tell her to have good sex every time she goes out.
“this is great I need an Inara too because I want someone to brush my hair and cuddle with but not the sex stuff I’m straight lol”
Lyzz you are probably a fine person, when you say other things.
You make a good point. I apologize for being an ass.
*SHOWERS OF LESBIAN ACCEPTANCE ON YOU BOTH*
I am a very bad queer, because the first thing I thought when Sean Maher came out was “Duh.”
Same. I think he’s just not a very good actor, honestly. He’s certainly very pretty, though.
I haven’t ever seen him in anything else, so I don’t have a basis for comparison. His prettiness is without question, though.
I liked him in Much Ado. I may have been dazzled by the jawline though.
This is perfection.
Let’s pretend Inara’s friend who quit the Companions’ union survived that gun fight, and Mal settles down with her on planet Spaghetti Western to fight the man and tell people to stay off their land. Then Inara and Kaylee are free to become the most amazing sex-positive couple in the ‘verse!
I approve of all of this.
Inara’s friend JULIE COOPER (Melinda Clarke!)
I am here for the femslash, for hymns in praise of the perfect hair-brushing relationship between the engineer and her blessed Companion.
I am here for the (perhaps gentler than deserved) upbraiding of Mal Reynolds.
– Here also for the line, “like the angels in heaven, he neither gives nor is given in marriage.” Gold.
I am especially* here for the bonus revelation that is SIMON/JAYNE. They are a married couple without knowing it, their open hostility a thin veil for the attraction roiling beneath the surface.
– Here especially for the way that this would outrage Adam Baldwin, real life Jayne Cobb in the worst ways.
What Mallory has joined together, let no Joss put asunder.
*In this I have a vested interest, make no mistake. Pun fucking intended.
lololololol “vested interest”
“Here especially for the way that this would outrage Adam Baldwin, real life Jayne Cobb in the worst ways.”
Ha! Lalala I love to forget that Adam Baldwin is the worst, because I so enjoy Jaynestown.
Ditto, my friend. Ditto.
Can we also talk about how obviously Kaylee is intrigued and thrilled about Inara taking female clients? “They just look so glamorous together,” she says, starry-eyed, biting into her apple. Uh-huh.
“I didn’t know I shipped it until now. Bless.” — Me after every installment of Femslash Friday
Yes!!!! Kaylee and Inana were so gorgeous together, and now I simply must rewatch all of firefly. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me, because other than Kaylee/Inana I always shipped Jayne with Mal. (Hides in shame.)
Nothing shameful about that. They would take each other in a manly fashion.
Shipping Jayne with Mal is totally valid! It fulfills the fandom bingo trope for Boys Who Have Lots of Sex but Suck at Talking About Feelings, Thus Secret Pining.
(The reason Mal doesn’t remember marrying Saffron is because he and Jayne made out afterwards.)
sighs about it
One of my college friends had an LJ icon that had Inara and Kaylee giving side-eye with the caption “we’ve been patient. now we’re going to be lesbians” and I saw that and thought, HMMM and have never looked back.
When I start reading a new Femslash Friday post I’m always skeptical/unsure about the pairing and then by the end of the post I’m 100% convinced. This is no exception. Simon/Jayne is a revelation, YOU ARE A GENIUS MALLORY.
We don’t need season two anymore, this has taken its place in my headcanon where everyone is happy and varying shades of queer forever.
“Simon Tam is perhaps the least convincing heterosexual on television in the last fifteen years.” Agreed, I like Sean Maher but Kaylee/Simon kind of just made me go “huh…” Also, Much Ado About Nothing beautifully showcased his inability to appear to be willingly sexing a woman. He’s like John Barrowman in that way – that sort of aura of “where do my hands go?! I don’t–I–what even is this?!”
I’m super late… BUT
I have to disagree RE John Barrowman.
Why is nobody posting links to fic yet? WHY WHY WHY?
YES I AM NO LONGER ALONE IN MY OPINIONS! I feel so validated now 🙂
I am 100% straight and even find Mal to be quite attractive, but I 100% agree that Inara and Kaylee are pretty much fucking 24/7 off-screen (OR THEY SHOULD BE). One of the things I love about Firefly is the fact that it presents 3 female characters (Zoe, Inara, and Kaylee) who are openly sexual in different ways. It sucks that Kaylee only gets to demonstrate that in a flashback, and spends most of the show mooning over someone who does not deserve her.
So, given the kind of community this is, I expect to see a significant uptick in the amount of Kaylee/Inara and Simon/Jayne porn available to me on the internet. It would be a great study break from NaNoWriMo, right?
Here’s some Simon/Jayne. http://kylielee1000.com/firefly/index.html No kidding, these fics are what convinced me to watch the show in the first place.
Still waiting on some Kylie/Inara fic recs, though. COME ON PEOPLE.
You have just made November a much more bearable month and you have my thanks.
Hurrah!
I think my original attempt at replying to you didn’t work, so:
Here’s some Simon/Jayne- -http://kylielee1000.com/firefly/index.html
Those fics are what convinced me to watch the show in the first place because I was *really resistant* I tell you what.
STILL WAITING on some Kaylee/Inara fic. COME ON PEOPLE.
This is everything that I never knew I always wanted.
I feel like if this show ran for long enough, it would have eventually happened at least once.
Oh also I feel like this should be my obligatory “Mallory should play Mass Effect because I really want to know her feels about it really badly” comment.
Just reading the title, I thought of the scenes you reference and thought “yeah, I get it.” There’s a lot of chemistry and warmth there. If we make the crew to be one person, and the crewmembers different parts of its psyche, Kaylee is Love and Inara is Desire (Jayne is Id, Mal is Ego, Simon is Reason and River is Intuition. I leave Book, Wash and Zoe as an exercise for the reader) Of course they should be together.
And you don’t like how Mal treats Inara? Good. I don’t think anybody likes it, not even Mal himself. I’m fine with sidelining him.
But then there’s this:
Simon Tam is perhaps the least convincing heterosexual on television in the last fifteen years. He has a lovely face and is a terrific brother and really outstanding moral fiber, but he has never once in his life wanted to touch a woman’s body outside of his capacity as a doctor. Search within yourself; you know it to be true.
Ouch. I get that you have to get him out of the way (or do you? What about a threesome? Well, Simon is probably waaaay too skittish for that. At least at first.)
I identify with Simon very strongly, and to the best of me and my wife’s (and our two children) knowledge, I am heterosexual. You seem to be thinking that unless a man can’t keep his hands off a woman, he’s gay? That sexual caution makes him into a not-man? It certainly doesn’t make him gay, there are any number of gay men I have had the pleasure of being acquainted to that are certainly not cautious.
Really, it seems to me that the gender system within which we work makes it impossible to conceive of a “man” who is cautious sexually. It is not possible that a man might find things other than sex which compel his attention? Things like rescuing his sister and keeping her safe, for example. It is not a coincidence that Simon has sex with Kaylee at the end of Serenity after River has demonstrated that she is no capable of taking care of herself.
Upon returning from Vietnam, the testosterone level (and consequently the level of sexual interest) of the POW’s there was at an extreme low. Circumstances affect us strongly.
Honestly, I feel you are acting out of anger toward him because he doesn’t jump on Kaylee the first moment she shows interest. And she does show interest, that’s clear. Sometimes it’s the person with the Y chromosome who’s slow to make up his mind, not the one with two X’s, as convention would have it. Can’t we be ok with that? Especially on an intersectional feminist blog?
Oh, dear. I’m not sure how Vietnam or the definition of a man enters into this, but I can assure you that the fact the fictional character Simon Tam has more chemistry with Jayne than with Kaylee has nothing to do with cautious heterosexual men, the state of your own personal marriage or the status of intersectionality.
Yeah, I promise I’m not reflexively backing up my lady on this one, but as an Intense Viewer of Firefly, I can state that there was zero chemistry between Simon Tan and Kaylee, and that’s what’s pinging the ‘dar here. Also, it’s not super relevant, because gay actors frequently play marvelous het characters, but when the ACTOR came out of the closet, my reaction was: “Oh, that’s funny, I was always waiting for Simon Tan to come out on the show as a gay character.”
I think there are lots of less grab-that-woman straight characters who still seem straight, but not Simon Tan.
And, too, you can identify with a gay/gay-adjacent/potentially gay character very deeply and be just as straight. You know this! I am not telling you something you don’t know. You like ladies, he doesn’t seem to.
Sure, but I think there’s a character/actor confusion here. The character gets to define himself, and he does, by eventually having sex with Kaylee. So the lack of interest previously in Kaylee must mean something about his internal state, right? Something other than “he’s gay”. That just seems so reductive.
I mean, if we want to start collecting stories of gay men who eventually have sex with women after successfully avoiding it for some time, this would drag on. I think we are going to have to agree to disagree about the sexuality of the fictional Simon Tan.
Well, no. That doesn’t actually work. We’re an audience watching a character, and we do not believe this character’s portrayal of the desires he was scripted to act out.
To use a completely non-relationship example, there is also a scene where Simon is clearly, if you just look at the script, supposed to be acting aloof and contemptuous and high-bred when dissing a wooden carving on a backwater planet. I never believed him in that, either.
The character does indeed get to define himself, but it’s the actor’s job to make that portrayal believable, and the actor who plays Simon is pretty not-great at portraying any emotion other than a compelling attraction/repulsion toward Jayne. I suspect, since he is kind of a crap actor as a whole, that the sexual tension being thusly portrayed is not the result of fine acting, but of the actor’s personal feelings leaking through.
Chemistry? What does that mean? If you’re saying, “It didn’t seem like Simon was attracted to Kaylee”, then go ahead and say that, but why should that mean he’s gay, or deficient somehow? (It’s goddam hard to write about this precisely because I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with being gay. But dammit, I’m probably more femme than 99% of my gay male friends. They aren’t the same thing.) That’s the feeling I got reading this, and I don’t understand it since I’m quite aware that you don’t think there’s anything deficient about being gay.
I find it curious that you should think that calling Jayne a gorilla would make it seem like he’s attracted. That’s not at all how I felt about it. Simon is too sincere to be negging, that’s my read.
I think what you’re getting at here is whether one can say “this guy seems gay” about anyone, really. Can it be done without simultaneously being “he’s kinda femme-y” and reinforcing the idea that gay men are effeminate? I think it can! I don’t think Simon seems gay because he’s femme-y, that’s not even the first thing I’d think of for Simon.
He doesn’t seem gay because he’s femme-y. Wash is more femme-y than Simon, and he is delightful and also very believable as someone who is attracted to his hot wife Zoe. Simon seems gay because he has sexual chemistry, on screen, with a male character, rather than the female one he is scripted to be attracted to.
Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Ok, so I’ve spent the last 20 hours (not including sleep time though) trying to figure out why this bothered me so, and I have an answer now that I think is better.
I have spent a significant fraction of time taking care of someone who is mentally ill – not some congenital thing, but more along the line of River – severely traumatized. It was all-consuming. I had no energy for anything else. I did not take care of my own needs, in fact I kind of dissociated them. This was not a good thing. My sexual interest dropped to nothing. I would call what I was “contingently asexual”. There wasn’t energy for it. And that was on top of my life-long inclination to over-intellectualize everything (which I also think Simon shares).
This is the place I think Simon is at for most of the show. Reading that as “he’s gay” seems to erase his truth, his struggle, his devotion to River, and all that’s cost him, and by association, my own truth. That’s what it means to me.
If you want to say that even when Simon does, at long last, show interest in Kaylee it isn’t believable to you, that’s a different thing, and I would put it as a problem with the acting. Maybe. But maybe men can just be kind of uncertain.
I see your point; not every man is a horndog. But I think there is a case to be made that it’s not that Simon is cautious about Kaylee, it’s that he puts her in a similar box as River. He doesn’t think of Kaylee as someone to date, or fuck, or whatever, and he doesn’t respond to her obvious interest in any way. And Kaylee is such a perfect mix of the virgin and the whore – sweet and innocent and adorable and also horny and completely unashamed of that, but Simon can only see the first part.
I also know some gay men who are not sexually cautious with other gay men but who are uncomfortable with women and women’s bodies, which I think is more Mallory’s point – not that caution makes you gay, but that an obvious discomfort with the idea of naked ladies makes you gay.
You know, I agree with this. It’s a very good read of Simon. I would contend that the box is there for purposes of safety, though. The box protects Simon from complications. I once had that box, in grad school. It’s just the equation of “He doesn’t notice her, he must be gay” that irritates me.
How often in film or TV do you see a man turning down sex and who didn’t turn out to be gay? I can think of once. As I’ll bet many of you ladies can attest to, that doesn’t mirror life very well.
Oh yes, there was a time when I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of naked ladies. I once helped a gay colleague plan a bachelor party for a straight friend of his, which included dragging said straight friend to a strip club (which he would never go to on his own).
Yes, yes, Kaylee/Inara, delicious wonderful perfection, the crunchy spicy tuna roll of Firefly relationships, my first sexy fanfiction, my last sexy fanfiction, of course, of course.
BUT CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT THIS?
“You damned brute. You awful, dirty, monstrous ape of a man, you [pounds ineffectually on chest with fists]. I hate you. I simply can’t stand you” and “Shut your pretty mouth [rough kiss]”
A whole vast new universe has unfolded before me.
Also, this dialogue makes me think of “Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape!” from the Planet of the Apes musical on the Simpsons, which in turn has made me contemplate how sad it was we never got a musical Firefly episode. Especially one with an achingly sad/sexy/yearning romantic quartet between Inara/Kaylee/Jayne/Simon, while Mal sits on the bridge singing “The Lonesome Ballad of Captain Tightpants.” Wash could get the Donald O’Conner number, Zoe a torch song about guns and war, and River the Act Three Ballet. Book is the Emcee. Wait I think this started out as sort of a joke but now I really want this.
this is so delightful 😀
Honestly, I think you have it backwards and Ron Howard looks like an evil Joss Whedon. His eyes point up like a pyramid of evil.
I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who thought in the Serenity pilot after their “Hey, you” that they were together. I quickly realized this wasn’t the case, but I’m totally on board with this.
Aw, the Internet is a tiny bit happier today. It even smells nice in here!
Mallory you have reached into my mind and articulated my Firefly opinions better than I ever could, I suspect you’re a witch. “It would be like if a living statue of Athena had sex with a living statue of Artemis” oh my god
This is perfect in every single way, except way more charitable about Mal than I am. I HATE MAL SO MUCH [hisses]
This is beautiful, wonderful, and perfect. I think what I love the most about their relationship is that they are always, always, always shown been loving and respectful to each other. Attraction comes and goes but affection and respect are necessary for loving in the long term.
"[10,000-word {951 of which are "problematic"} essay about Joss Whedon and intersectional feminism]"
I laughed so hard it hurt.
The usage of that word has gotten so bad that I immediately distrust the opinion of anyone who injects it into a sentence. You are a treasure.
Including the three of them together? That's…pretty hot, actually.
Okay but I’m pretty sure that Kaylee and Inara did, to some extent, happen. I’m guessing that professional stuff got in the way of their being an actual couple, but I’m pretty sure that this is one of the first things Kaylee says in Serenity when discussing Inara:
Kaylee Frye: Goin’ on a year now I ain’t had nothin’ twixt my nethers weren’t run on batteries!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Oh, God! I can’t *know* that!
Jayne Cobb: I could stand to hear a little more.
Would’ve been nice to see that explored had the series gone on longer, but it would’ve probably been heartbreaking at some point, because Firefly.
Oh God, this whole piece and all the comments. You people are my favourite.
I have never been attracted to Jayne at all, but this Simon/Jayne idea is doing interesting things to my lady parts.
You’ve done it! You’ve converted me to the church of Inara/Kaylee! Not that I was a hard sell in the first place; I was never very invested in either Simon/Kaylee (no chemistry) or Inara/Mal (a little light banter is okay, but calling your crush a whore? Not so much)
I look forward to your thoughts on Blair and Jo!
Bless you for coming up with a perfect way to address that sort of situation. I may borrow it when I see strangers saying insensitive things. 🙂
I do believe it was word of god that simon did in fact have a crush on jayne (which I don’t really see, I can’t ship jayne with anyone) but I definitely approve of Kaylee/Inara, but I also like kaylee/simon, they were awkwardly cute together, i think they could’ve tried a threesome,simon and inara did get along quite well. but i also enjoyed kaylee/river.
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This is the best. I feel so vindicated because I hate, hate, HATE Mal/Inara and Kaylee/Simon. Mal/Inara makes me actually uncomfortable. It’s sooo unhealthy and damaging. Kaylee and Simon are at least adorably awkward and amusing because they are both sweet and respectful to each other. I can’t see Simon/Jayne, though. Jayne with anyone other than Vera is a big no. BUT. Simon/Mal is a pretty big ship in the fandom. So there’s that possibility/option (though I usually only ship Simon with River–Crazy Space Incest FTW)
This is so awesome, I love it! Also, please do write one on Blair/Jo
I did not notice this the first time I watched the show, but then I rewatched it and immediately (after the cute "Hey, you"s in the first episode) shipped them. The first thing I did when I finished was search to see if anyone else thought they were an incredible pair, as well. This (and one other essay I found) perfectly sums up my feelings. I love it!
ok so. I am a straight guy and i thoroughly enjoyed the Firefly series. I’m not sure how I navigated to this page* and I’ve only in the past few years learned about concepts like “cis”. But.. your explanation of why this relationship actually makes more sense than Mal/Inara or Kaylee/Simon…(even though it’s slash, i.e. based, in this case, on changing the canon orientations of a couple of characters)…. you kind of blew my mind. I think you’re DEAD-ON about how sort of forced those are. Well done! If you wrote this slash I would read it, and not just in a prurient way.
—-
*alright, I just looked at my history and now I remember: I followed a link about that Grantland story about the golf club scientist, Dr. V, and found the article “Do Trans People Have a Responsibility to be Out?”
Yes Mal is awful [for Inara] and Simon will never be anything more than a very pretty pet bunny for Kaylee to either drag around excitedly or be kept at home for many a very boring pouty night in, but let’s not say “well in order to talk about these two being lesbians we have to get their relationships with males out of the way”. Let us rise above biphobia/bi erasure. I mean the way Kaylee got on the crew is when she was having what seemed to be very enjoyable sex with the ship and the pretty boy mechanic. She went after pretty boy doctor. I think it’s pretty solid to say that Kaylee is a very happy bisexual, if only (always) lacking outright representation.
I always imagined Kaylee and Inara were hooking up while waiting for Sam and Mal to get their shit together.
OMG.
(Belatedly. But, OMG.)
I know it's like THREE YEARS later, but I had a colleague/friend who introduced me to Firefly and who specifically identified with Kaylee.
And who had a male partner, but who I had a really delightful affair with (he was fine with it) for a couple of months. Intrepid, fun, slightly geeky. So yeah, it's canon for me.
I didn't read that as bi erasure. I read that more as "get these dudes you're emotionally entangled with for no good reason out the way so you can get it on with each other". I read both Kaylee and Inara (duh!) as bi, so it's more about not wasting time on lust objects who really aren't all that for you.
I have been returning to this post lately bc i love every word of it and also bc the girl im dating now is a sex worker and we do the kaylee/inara “have good sex!” thing before she goes to work. (Yes we are adorable)
I read the comments as well bc i usually love toast comments BUT there is one guy i really want to respond to he makes me furious but i don’t want to drag someone back into a year old conversation so I’m just going to say it here:
You Are The Only One Making The Connection Between Being Gay And Being “Deficient” Saying Gay Men Are Also Sexually Forward Doesn’t Make It Less Homophobic When You’re The One Assuming That Saying Simon Is Gay Doubles As Some Kind Of Hurtful Insult.
How will I survive without these Femslash posts??? Everything above is SO CORRECT