Impossible Movie Remakes I Demand To See Nonetheless -The Toast

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1. Issa Rae in Ever After. Dougray Scott is already perfect in his role — and you know what, so is Anjelica Huston, so it would have to be just some sort of stop-motion capture situation where Issa Rae has to green-screen herself over Drew Barrymore and insert herself into the 1998 version. Not that Drew Barrymore wasn’t perfect for that role, obviously, I just think that Issa Rae would look amazing in that butterfly-wing dress and also would have some really adorable, shy chemistry with 90s-era Dougray Scott.

I mean, look at her. Look at how good she already looks in white dresses. Can’t you just see her shakily but boldly holding a sword at that evil baron and reading Thomas More and inventing Enlightenment-era feminism? And she’d tell Dougray Scott’s hairstyle to hurry up and invent public access to universities already, and he’s say “Who are you, madam, that you think like this?” and she’d say “Oh, nobody,” and he’d say “No, you are different, there’s something different about you,” and her face would grow SUFFUSED WITH LUMINOUS AND QUIET DELIGHT.

2. Phil Hartman in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

This one hurts my heart to even think about — Phil! — but it would have been absolutely perfect. It would have been his Truman Show. No one could switch as gracefully and effortlessly from bombastic self-confidence to quiet despair as Phil could.

3. A gay remake of Love & Basketball with Brittney Griner as Omar Epps’ character and Rose Rollins as Sanaa Lathan’s character. (Sanaa Lathan has to play a coach, or something, at least).

“I never asked you to choose.” “You never had to.”The subtitle of this movie could be Two Perfect Sets of Arms, but I’m not married to that. Do not get me wrong, I think the original is perfect too and cannot be improved upon, but there’s something about this story that cries out for lesbian reimagining.

Also featuring a thematically unnecessary non-speaking role for a nervous-looking red-headed lady who mostly just sits in the front row during their games and brings them tea or a hot towel whenever they ask for it.

4. A version of Macbeth with Erykah Badu as Lady Macbeth and Jada Pinkett-Smith in a natty suit as her husband. I know gender-flipped Shakespeare can feel a little gimmicky, but admit that this would be flawless. Erykah could channel some really intense, powerful energies from the earth.

She would destroy the Unsex me monologue. I’m getting shivers just picturing it. I want to watch Erykah Badu murder everybody. And Jada’s always so effortlessly cool and sure of herself, but I know that she could draw on a reserve of terror and ambition and fidgetiness for this.

Also necessary: Michelle Rodriguez makes an appearance as Banquo.

5. A third, all-male remake of Steel Magnolias with B.D. Wong (Queen Latifah/Sally Field), Daniel Dae Kim (Jill Scott/Dolly Parton), John Cho (Darryl Hannah/Adepero Oduye), and Steven Yeun (Condola Rashad/Julia Roberts). Search within yourself, you know this would be amazing.

6. Nat King Cole, Sammy Davis Jr., and Ruby Dee in Some Like It Hot.

Nat King Cole and Sammy Davis would have had a weird, funny, hyperenergetic energy between the two of them for sure (Cole is Tony Curtis and Davis is Jack Lemmon, obviously), but this would really be about Ruby Dee.

This is a woman who was born to sing “I Wanna Be Loved By You” and breathe “Shell…Oil?” incredulously on a beach. I have no idea who would play Osgood, though; this is the only remaining flaw.

7. A remake of The Wiz where Janelle Monáe plays all of the characters in elaborate makeup.

I care about this more than anything in the world.

Okay, so…great talk. Someone make all of these movies, please. I’ll wait.

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