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Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 1.33.23 PMPrevious editions of the Quotable Jane Austen for Evil People can be found here. Most recently: Mansfield Park.

When your friend asks if you like her new haircut:

“We are not all born to be handsome.”

When ickily scamming on some chick named [Something] Elliot at a garden show:

“You need not be afraid, Miss Elliot, of your own sweet flower gardens being neglected.”

When your son tells you he’s gotten a merit-based scholarship to nursing school:

“Nursing does not belong to a man; it is not his province.”

When you know Anne is in the next room, but you just really want to make your dislike for her clear:

“Then I’m sure Anne had better stay, for nobody will want her in Bath.”

When you’re crafting your OkCupid profile:

“Anybody between fifteen and thirty may have me for asking.”

When announcing your intention to violate your father’s trusted collaborator’s intellectual property rights:

“I have been making a duplicate of the cataloge of my father’s books and pictures.”

When devaluing someone’s lived experience of chronic illness:

“I wish you could persuade Mary not to be always fancying herself ill.”

When telling your partner you don’t do oral:

“I have not nerves for the sort of thing.”

When your quivering prey asks you how many blows are yet to come:

“Sixty, or perhaps sixty-two.”

When your husband finds you in bed with someone on shore leave:

“Sailors work hard enough for their comforts, we must all allow.”

When really upping your nasty game on [Something] Elliot:

“I should recommend Miss Elliot to be on her guard with respect to her flower garden.”

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