Previous editions of the Quotable Jane Austen for Evil People can be found here.

When a guy at a party asks if you want to go see a movie with him next weekend:

“Do not you know that, of all things upon earth, that is the least likely to happen?”

When preparing your children for the arrival of your foreign exchange student from Scotland:

“We shall probably see much to wish altered in her, and must prepare ourselves for gross ignorance, some meanness of opinions, and very distressing vulgarity of manner.”

When talking to a third party about your friend’s fondness for white denim:

“I am sure I should have been ashamed of myself, if I had not known better long before I was as old as she.”

When discussing your niece’s decision to attend a state college instead of going to Bard like your own daughter:

“To be sure, my dear, that is very stupid indeed, and shows a great want of genius and emulation.”

When informing your child that you’ve decided to murder her and bury her with her dead aunt:

“So, Fanny, you are going to leave us, and live with my sister. How shall you like it?”

When loudly commenting on the prelude at a child’s violin recital:

“This is not a very promising beginning.”

When gazing down the rows to select a sacrifice for the giant ape:

“A girl of fifteen!”

When telling your housekeeper that you will not be giving her bus fare to your knitting retreat in Big Sur:

“But you must come up and tack on my patterns just the same.”

When announcing your divorce to your six year old son:

“It can make very little difference to you, whether you are in one home or the other.”

When attempting to convince terminally-ill patients to check into your homeopathic clinic:

“Stay with us, and we will cure you.”

When justifying your decision to dump a visiting cousin on your babysitter without advance notice or more money:

“It will be just the same to Miss Lee whether she has three girls to teach, or only two–there can be no difference.”

When refusing to throw a rope to Mr. Crawford as he sinks further into the swamp:

“Mr. Crawford must take care of himself.”

Works Referenced:

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park (Indiebound | Amazon)