If you have ever leafed through an issue of The Economist or any other glossy magazine meant for the upwardly mobile as they wait in first-class airport lounges, you have seen a Patek Philippe ad: a blond father and son, usually on a boat, are laughing sternly at the sea, while the tagline reminds you that You never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it for the next generation.
And yet the father never looks quite ready to hand his beautiful rich man’s watch off to his smug, soft son, does he? A Patek Philippe is not relinquished that easily. You can almost see the brutal fight for mastery simmering just below the surface, certain to erupt as soon as the camera’s watchful eye withdraws.
“Give you my watch? Give you my watch, boy? Look: I will hold it out in front of you. Tell me what you have done to earn this watch. Tell me, and I will listen.”
“So never kick a dog/Because he’s just a pup/We’ll fight like twenty armies/And we won’t give up/So you’d better run for cover/When the pup grows up.” The father will get it, in the end. His elbow patches are a clear sign of weakness. Look at the boy’s calculating eyes. He will abide. He is too small to press his hand now. He will wait, and grow strong, and take the watch that is rightfully his.
Look at the father’s calculating, unsmiling eyes. He will leave the boy — perhaps in the woods, perhaps in a park. He will leave him and let the cold finish him off. The boy is an idiot. He is not prepared, and his wool hat will not save him from winter’s searing kiss.
The boy is already learning how to cut the brakes on the car in such a manner that it is not clear that anything has been tampered with. There will be suspicion, of course. There always is. But suspicion is not the same as a conviction. The only trouble would be making sure the old man was the only one in the car when it happened, if the old man ever let anyone else behind the wheel of his precious machine. He will die with the car, the one thing he truly loves. The boy thinks of this as an act of kindness.
“It was an accident,” he maintained for the rest of his life. “I couldn’t hold on to him. His little hand just slipped out of mine…the wave came out of nowhere and he was gone.”
He rowed back from the island whistling.
Neither of them are worthy of the watch. A surprise upset: they are both killed by the boy’s mother, who takes to wearing men’s watches for the rest of her long and interesting widowhood.
Look at this disgusting, insipid boy. He will fall out of the window like a stone. He is not a worthy adversary. His father will forget his name in hours.
This one will be a masterful struggle that merits our interest. But the man has made one key mistake: he is not wearing a life jacket. When the crucial moment comes, the boy will simply fail to toss him a life preserver. “What’s that?” he’ll shout merrily over the wind, “I can’t hear you. What do you need?” as he steers back to the mainland.
The old man will go out the window. Goodbye, old man.
The son on the left has carefully highlighted hair and a provocative mouth. He is too indolent and given over to sensual pleasures for his own good. His father has the hair of a lion and a murderer’s hands. The pair on the right will be an interesting match. The boy has clearly killed before, and killed efficiently and well. The father is perhaps a year or two past his prime — but only one or two. He may have blood in him yet. Outcome unknown.
Tags: ads, murder, patek philippe, watches
“The pair on the right will be an interesting match. The boy has clearly killed before, and killed efficiently and well.”
He really does look like he’s plotting someone’s death, doesn’t he?
He looks like he’s auditioning for a remake of ‘Rope’!
What do women look after for the next generation, one wonders? What do we love and nuture and cherish, whilst being white and photogenic enough that a photographer takes a black and white picture of our gender-sterotype behaviour? What precious thing of value will our daughters kill us for? They will slip poison into our food, or suffocate us with a pillow in our sleep, for we have raised them to be clever and sly enough to make it look like an accident.
But what will they take from our cooling corpses as a trophy?
Clearly it will be those hideous Pandora bracelets.
If my daughter murdered me for one of those, I wouldn’t even fight as clearly I have raised her wrong.
Oh good point. Hmmm…well there must be something. We don’t teach them to be clever and sly for nothing, after all.
If holiday commercials are any indication, Open Hearts necklaces from Kay Jewelers.
As I said to RubeksCube.
We inherit the sweaters and pearls of our ancestors, graciously lifted as the head drops from the poison, the gold chains and rings that are our privilege and our future.
We despise J.Press, for it is enthusiastic of colouring and grasping of price, and knows little of the true price of an inheritance.
If the comment threads through the years on Hairpin and Toast have anything to say about it, I believe the answer is “our collection of Le Creuset.”
I mean, even if we wouldn’t murder our mothers over it, it seems pretty much a given that we’d murder damn near anyone else.
You could murder your mother with a well placed blow to the head with the grill pan and turn to the relevant Ask A Clean Person column to figure out how to clean it.
No son of mine will ever lay his ungrateful, worthless paws on my Casio Illuminator. ElectroLuminescence isn’t the kind of thing you just give away.
ElectroLuminescence would make a great band name!
I gave my daughter my mother’s jewelry already, so I’m safe. However my husband and his vintage Omega watch are on their own.
Excellent as usual, Mallory. These ads have always weirded me out and now I know exactly why.
Absolutely fantastic piece! Hmmmm…considering I have no children of my own, and being a dismal failure in all things food-wise, perhaps my only niece would stage an unfortunate riding accident. After all, that highly coveted black leather motorcycle jacket that is on the verge of being broken in just right can’t wait forever.
So happy to see this. These repulsive ads are SO long overdue for ripping off.
Making up horrific alternative narratives for smug rich white people in advertisements is one of my favorite things ever and I didn’t even REALIZE IT until just now.
Dear everyone in that current Audi commercial, the one where the kid and the dad and the grandpa are drving up to their fancy fucking mountain house that’s all full of Christmas lights: a guy that just lost his job as a factory worker because Dad’s Bain Capital-like firm took over and “restructured” is waiting in a snowbank to do some “restructuring” of his own on the wiring. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I hate that commercial with the fire of a thousand suns. Every time I see it it’s like someone hit me in the face with a stick that has “Rich White People! Tradition! 1%!” written on it. Burn it down, factory man. Burn. It. Down.
The only commercials I hate more than that one are the Lexus ones with the pretty white family that just hangs out in their mansion making giant bows that they then put on cars that are already in their own driveway, because not only is it rich white people all one-percenting all over the place, but it doesn’t even make sense.
Oh look, little girls ‘n moms too: http://www.thetimetv.com/news-patek-philippe-new-…
“Patek Philippe’s female audience increasingly regards a watch as more than a fashion accessory”
Yes, you can see the glint in her eye as she pretends to laugh along with her mother (there are so many ways for stilettos to slip on marble floors), the boredom behind the pasted-on smile as she waits for the poison to take effect (just a dab on earring shafts is all it takes — so sad that the maid didn’t clean the polish off properly).
But no matter how hard she tries, she is still a woman. Worthy to take the watch, but not yet worthy to do it like a man — in black and white.
Somewhere months ago I saw a great blog post dissecting these (including contrasting the men’s and women’s ones). I can’t find it, but I do remember that they had copies of the European and North American versions, and the pictures were the same, except that the European women’s ones didn’t have a wedding ring, where all of the American ones have a wedding ring photoshopped on.
Was it this?
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/11/luxury_bra…
Yes! I guess I forgot all the other good stuff in that, too.
“Something truly precious holds its beauty forever” Oh lovely, the dudes get an ad all about preserving their legacy for the next generation, while the ladies get “fancy watch as means of preserving one’s beauty.” Beauty being the most important thing a mother can pass along to her daughter, after all.
You say that like it’s not a perfectly legit ideal.
“Neither of them are worthy of the watch. A surprise upset: they are both killed by the boy’s mother, who takes to wearing men’s watches for the rest of her long and interesting widowhood.” GO ON
Yes, PLS go on…
I was JUST talking about that 4th ad yesterday after seeing it the NYT mag. “NO, Timmy, we do NOT touch Daddy’s watch. Row me to the bar”
Pish, women don’t wear Patek. We wear only Chanel. Inherited Chanel. Inherited after the murder of Coco in 1971, two invisibly tragic years after the opening of the boutique, death from anaphylactic shock from many stings, followed by the stinging deaths of however many relatives it takes to get it.
I loved this so much, made me laugh and laugh. You are clever!
You have underestimated the first boy's ambition. Note that out of every individual in all of these ads, he's the only one wearing gloves. All the better to not leave fingerprints. It happens tonight.
Genius: I salute you.
I laugh harder on each reread
Pictures 1-9 from Top (Multi-comments) #1: Little boy with gloves: “Zut alors! I’ve got the gloves, but not the grip strength for his beefy neck… Five more years and the watch if Mine! Mine! Mine!”
#2: Frumpy attire indicates boy is actually clone of Dad’s dad. No need to kill Dad, just outlive him, take BACK watch.
Pictures 1-9 from Top (Multi-comments) #3: Nothing to add, brake tampering, the simple and elegant road to premature watch acquisition. #4 Son: “Just one perfect kick to his crotch and Man Overboard! Better grab the watch.” #5: Agree with article. Both clearly too stupid. Undeserving of watch.
Pictures 1-9 from Top (Multi-comments) #6: Father’s plan to strangle son with cord prempted when son hides under desk, then sticks out foot to trip Dad, who falls down dead. Watch is crushed however, so son jumps out window on his own. #7: Disgruntled stepson shoots both from lighthouse! Takes watch
Pictures 1-9 from Top (Multi-comments) #8: Son: “Die, damn you die, old man! Soon, my wrist will be too fat for the pretty, pretty watch…!” #9: Father/son pair on left are con men, steal identities of pair on right, kill & bury them under lighthouse (See #8) and take the watch. Son hits father on head w/spade @ gravesite, get watch!