The following transcript of a speech given at the Ladies’ Botany Society of Philadelphia in 1874 was believed to have been lost until it was discovered last month in the attic of a house scheduled for demolition. It has been reprinted here in full for the first time, courtesy of the Lady Doctors of Pennsylvania Association.
Honored ladies of the symposium, I thank you for your invitation to speak today. I shall begin my address with no further overtures. The male of the species is perhaps more to be pitied than censured, as it is his physical inability to complete a normal, healthy menstrual cycle that is the root cause of so many of his woeful ailments.
As scientists have discovered, it is the unhealthy retention of aged or “angry” blood (generally more than 2 to 3 months old) that leads to so much of the liver agitation and spinal rage that plague our modern society. The average woman, capable of storing and regularly releasing this blood through the act of menstruation, keeps herself in constant and excellent health, and should be commended for so doing [Pause for applause].
The reason that men — poor things — commit so many murders as a sex is likely due to their failure to slough off this overabundance of old blood through the regular act of menstruation (which not only clears the body of bad blood but also the mind of anti-vitamins, as scientists have so recently and effectively demonstrated). The average male body is so overstuffed with a surfeit of old blood that he may swell as much as six feet tall, which is a height both unnecessary and grotesque for human purposes. This male blood, which is generally unable to be regularly flushed out through the womb, must find some sort of outlet, lest it tumefy and cause the man to burst (a not uncommon sight, I am told, in parts of rural Germany), which I believe is what leads to knife fights and stabbings among men. This makeshift replacement for remedy is exceedingly dangerous, but it does perform the necessary –sometimes life-saving — act of bloodletting.
It has been noted anecdotally, though not yet in a laboratory setting, that many of these men display considerably more rational and intelligent brain-power after these impromptu pseudo-menstruations. Many of you, I know, have told me stories of your own husbands behaving nearly as prudently as yourselves for days after cutting themselves accidentally in the kitchen or coming to blows outside of a public house. It remains to be seen, therefore, whether we as a group can seize upon a more regulated and humane system of replicating the effects of menstruation in our poor masculine counterparts. Imagine how improved our society might be if someday we could teach men to menstruate blood from their own wombs! [Pause for laughter.]
[Unintelligible question from an audience member] It does not seem to me to be altogether necessary to obtain the male opinion on the subject. Do we ask the dog if he prefers a place by the fire before offering him one? Is not their improvement a mutual goal of both of the sexes?
Tags: doctors, health, hysteria, misandry, science, today is apparently victorian medical advice day
this post is my life, basically
McSweeney’s should just give up.
I think I love you, Dr. Mallory. Tell me, what should we feed men to prevent the effects of this aged blood?
we could try to revive bloodletting as a sex-specific medical practice… or we could stab them
So you’re saying I should feed men knives?
Or ground glass.
honey, your whiskey is ready
brb, attributing everything to “spinal rage”
God, I need a good leeching.
I’m so content right now. Just…suffused with delight.
This post fits perfectly in the screenplay I’ve been working on where women are the dominant gender in society and cannot understand why men are whining all the time about how rough they have it. I mean, come on, everyone wants to have sex with them, how hard can life really be?
I have started viewing Mallory’s tweets as spoiler alerts for all upcoming articles. Something to perk me up on the commute in to work every morning…
Could leeches to the testicles be a reasonable approximation to menstruation?
[I’m a bit delighted and horrified with myself for thinking of it..]
BE DELIGHTED
Edit your bio to say “Mallory is an editor of The Toast and a noted misandrist.”
What about “decorated misandrist”?
Let’s just keep it simple and change it to “Kill all men.”
I have been so mad, y’all, since my hysterectomy. What can the womb-less woman do about her spinal rage?
No joke. Three months after my oophorectomy, my boss called me into his office to tell me to take a paid four-day weekend because he was afraid I was going to burn the building down. He was sure to offer me candy both before and after this conversation. I felt like frickin’ Pele, and was happy to pospone my co-workers’ fiery end for a short holiday.
I say, roll with it. Stab and be stabbed, like a man. I mean, I’ve still got a positive attitude towards menstruation and all, but I have a much more positive view of the burning entrails of my foes.
Oh, the burning entrails! Such a glorious light they spread upon the horizon, bathing the sea of my vanquished in a subtle mauve glow that really just makes the tears of joy well up.
I’ve heard some of the treatments for hysteria are quite nice, though.
shhhh….
MALLORY YOU GODDESS
There’s nothing of worth I can contribute to this so I’ll just sit here obediently, panting contentedly and occasionally whimpering with ignorant discomfort.
My husband has swollen to 6foot 5 inches and I am concerned about how much bad blood he is storing. He seems quite rational and non-violent – for a man – but he spilled something on the carpet earlier today and swore loudly. He scared the cats,
Can I get a doctor to safely let some blood?
Perhaps the cats would be effective in the bloodletting efforts?
Oh, I had to sign up despite my internet social anxiety because victorian medical advice speaks to my soul. I work in the history of medicine with a predominantly 19th c. collection. And my boss has pet leeches and leeches himself regularly (for fun). No wonder he is a standout amongst his sex!
MORE. I want MORE ABOUT THE MAN WHO LEECHES HIMSELF IN 2013. And MORE ABOUT VICTORIAN MEDICAL ADVICE, obviously.
You know, it’s funny, I never asked him why he does it because I figured why not? Their names are Hunter and Harvey, and he can just sit at his desk and work while one of them feeds. They stayed latched for a really long time, too. The other night we had a work dinner where a hot topic of conversation was sending smallpox crusts through the mail.
They have NAMES?!
I can just sit in the corner of your office for a while, yes? I’ll be quiet.
That’s raw as hell
“sending smallpox crusts through the mail” can you please explain???? I hope nobody actually does this (seeing as smallpox has been eradicated!!!!)? Did people do this??
Yes, people did this in old timey days. notably during the Civil War. They sent their smallpox scabs home so that their loved ones could be inoculated.
They totally did this! I work with community museums and we share weird scenarios to help small institutions understand why policies are a good idea. An American museum had the smallpox scabs of a prominent local family offered as a donation. What to do? It’s an important historical artifact/scientific specimen! It’s a potentially hazardous human remain! IT’S BOTH. And, probably falls way, way outside the mandate/capacity of any community museum! DO NOT ACCESSION…
And, people used to ingest tapeworms for health reasons (translation…to help them lose weight).
The good old days were pretty horrifying…
Please share your stories with us in full!!
ha! I wouldn’t know where to begin!
Now I know why I have remained a rational and calm male of reasonable stature (5’6″) – regular blood donations. Not only do they give me cookies and juice, they spare me from exploding or brawling in front of public houses.
Your whimsical misandry sustains me, Mallory.
It sounds all formal and scientific so it MUST be true.
I would like to know what search terms were employed to look for the featured stock photo. “Man overtaken by hysterics”, “Women pitying a pathetically passed out man”, etc.
All I can think about is Gendry’s dick leech now, thanks.
Also someone could totally write Melisandre fic about how her whole real agenda is turning Westeros into a misandrist paradise.
This is a really good week, and I only anticipate it getting better.
That's raw as hell
I love this post with all of my heart.
“he may swell as much as six feet tall, which is a height both unnecessary and grotesque for human purposes.” This 6 foot tall, regularly menstruating, Midwestern lady finds it no problem at all to reach that thing on the top shelf for fellow misandrists. In fact, I would be glad to.