Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,
And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground. But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden. And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every word that is pleasant and unpleasant to the ear, but there was one word in the middle of the garden, and that word was the n-word. And in the garden he put white people, and told them to dress it and to keep it and to hold dominion over it.
And the Lord God spoke to white people, saying, All other words you may gladly say, and yet this n-word you may not speak, just the ONE word that’s off-limits. Literally just the one. Look at all the other words I have made for thee in this thy garden. Try saying all of them. There’s so many.
But the white people were sore angry and said Why can’t we say it and the Lord God said Seriously I made you a whole garden of other words and the white people said Yeah that’s great and we really appreciate but can we say it just once? What about if we’re singing along to a song and it comes on the radio and it would sound sort of weird not to say it, can we say it then? and the Lord had not expected such a question.
And the serpent – which was more subtle than all the other beasts of the field – said Seems pretty unfair there’s a WHOLE WORD you can’t use, and of the white people many nodden their heads at the rightness thereof.
I don’t understand why this is such a big deal for you, the Lord God rumbled over the garden. There are so many other words to say, I’m just asking you not to say one of them. When would you even want to USE it.
‘Unno, said the white people in response to the Lord their God. Just in case, we guess. And the white people said While we’re on the subject why is there an ENTIRE MONTH about black h– and the Lord said I’m going to bed.
Enjoy the garden, or whatever, he muttered listlessly before turning off the light behind him, and the world was plunged into eternal night, and it was evening, the seventh day.
YEP
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha.
Also, this is great.
And the serpent said I mean, what if you’re at karaoke and you want to do this wicked Wu-Tang jam and the Lord God said Really, that is the hill uponst which thou will die ok well I do not think I can help thee,”
This is so funny.
And then the serpent said, But I’ve got this one black friend who says he thinks it’s okay if I say it when rapping and the Almighty rolled his eyes and said You know that one person can’t really speak for multiple groups of people, right?
Luckily, we whites are a proudly awkward people, and when the song comes on we can just kinda go “Uhhhaaaggghh” and then launch back into the verse, and others will know that we sagely employed white-awkwardness as a diversionary tactic.
When I was a kid, I used to love that song “I’m a Bitch I’m a Lover” by Meredith Brooks, but my mom would always change the radio station if there was ever any profanity. Whenever that song would come on, I would anticipate any curses and distract my mom very loudly by pointing at things outside the car: ~I’m a b—“MOM LOOK AT THAT TREE OUT THERE HAHA ISN’T THAT WEIRD…” ~I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother…
This tactic also applied to “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground.
I was a clever child.
whawkward
I have heard it suggested that the word “neighbor” makes an appropriate substitute. I haven’t tried it, but it makes me think of Mr. Rogers rapping, which makes it so much better.
I wish that were still the case, but the rules seemed to change right around the time Kanye released “Gold Digger”, when white people (at least where I live) collectively decided that they’d had enough and were finally ready to reclaim the N-word. Kanye’s “All of the Lights”, with the line “MJ gone – our N* dead” helped ease the transition, and by the time ‘Ye (yes, him again) dropped “N*’s in Paris”, the re-taking was complete. Now white people seem to take great joy in freely rapping the word at shows with full gusto while standing right beside me (a black man) as though I were invisible. I blame Kanye.
Which is sort of funny, considering how much hate they throw at Kanye whenever he says anything else or they think he said something obnoxious.
Where do I go to get this post engraved on two stone tablets?
I will even settle for this little bit embroidered on a throw pillow:
“‘Unno, said the white people in response to the Lord their God.”
So God, like everybody else, doesn’t really have a good action plan for combating racism, he just gets tired and gives up.
God is all knowing.. except for knowing how to get white people to stop getting worked up about the inappropriateness of saying the n-word.
Can God create a word so powerful that even he could not prevent white people from saying it?
Tangent/open thread re. race and ethnicity: why am I getting an AdChoice ad that wants me to fill out a survey that’s written in Korean? (note: I don’t think the Toast is remotely responsible for this, just the weirdness of browsing tracking software)
Asian related things I frequent are generally 1) Asian American political websites, 2) wikipedia pages where I read about Asian history prior to the 20th century, and 3) recipes. What a weird coincidence.
p.s. whew, it went away! Let’s never speak of this again.
one of the many awesome things in this post is the picture, where – although it’s small and hard to see – it looks like God is actually pleading with Adam and Eve like “OMG C’MON PEOPLE JUST DON’T DO IT.”
The best thing about this is that in their narrative white people are in the garden of eden
All the white people
Everybody gets a garden!
Abortions for some, miniature flags and gardens for others!
White person here. I would just like to say I have trouble even making my mouth form that word, and have no desire to ever say it, even when singing. I only note this because my grandparents from Arkansas used this word casually. My dad, their son, didn’t. And neither do his children. It’s small, but it’s a start.
My grandmother used to refer to Brazil nuts as “n-word” toes. Not out of any sense of maliciousness, its just what she thought they were called. I distinctly remember her doing so when I was in late grade school (probably around the time we read Huck Finn) and was really horrified. After I said something to her, she stopped. I really don’t think it ever crossed her mind that the phrase was super offensive until someone identified it as such. Like you said, baby steps. Some people just need you to point obvious things out to them.
My grandparents, too, with the Brazil nuts 🙁
It’s weird to even think about now, because all racial slurs aside, who wants to eat something named after part of a foot?
No one should want to eat those nuts at all, regardless of name. They are the cilantro of legumes.
pssst, not legumes (the botanist speaketh)
NUTS. I knew I would get that wrong.
not even technically nuts, but I give you a pass 🙂 and i agree with you, they are gross.
NOT EVEN TECHNICALLY NUTS!!?!?!
Hereafter, I shall refer to them as “Satan’s Testes.”
So let it be written, so let it be done.
I approve. So let them be smote from the earth.
Likewise my grandmother, but with Tootsie Rolls, because that’s what they were called in candy shops when she was a girl in OK. So then we had to have the “Ummm…. not okay because childhood nostalgia old timey racism is still racism, Grandma” discussion.
It is SUCH a strong taboo. I once uttered the n-word in an academic discussion of, well, the n-word (among other words) and had what I can only describe as a full-body physical sensation of horror as it left my mouth. I was surprised at the magnitude and physicality of my body’s response, actually.
I can so relate to this. I once was recounting the famous scene from Blazing Saddles and “quoted” the word in the interest of accuracy (bravely, as an experiment, or something??). My body revolted – and of course I blushed intensely from my ribs to my hairline. I felt like my head might actually catch on fire. Lesson learned.
I took an American Novel class where a couple books on the reading list were from the Twain era that used that word with distressing frequency. One time I had to read a section aloud in class, and the word was used at least eight times. I stumbled over it every single time. It’s a physical struggle for me to ever say it for any reason. I can barely stand seeing it written.
seriously why can’t we all just use “people”/”person” instead, it makes songs much less problematic and 100% more adorable.
“straight outta compton, another crazy ass person…”
“you want it, i got it. go get it, i’ll buy it. tell them other broke people be quiet.”
“got my people in paris, and they’re going gorillas…”
I have heard the suggestion to use “brothers”/”brother” when singing along in the car or at karaoke, which I like and have applied as a clueless white person.
I would feel uncomfortable and appropriative doing that too. I usually just pause for that beat and keep going. UGH SO STRUGGLE BEING WHITE AMIRITE
Yeah, it does feel kind of appropriative, which is why “people”/”person” might be better? yup life is SO HARD FOR US WHITE FOLKS
“But she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke.”
I legitimately never realized those weren’t the lyrics to the original song. I just had to look it up.
When singing along with a song, I replace it with “mister.”
The most entertaining alternatives I’ve heard used are ninja and neighbor, both of which are funny in their absurdity.
Ninja is almost too close for my personal liking although it does provide for some great mental images.
My mother-in-law once emphatically said to my husband “ninja please” and I was honestly a bit flabbergasted. They’re both black, which made it better/more absurd. [He refuses to use the n-word and she rarely does.]
I don’t really use any alternatives myself because I can’t really imagine a situation in which I actually would need one…
But I would say your mother-in-law sounds like a fun one to have from that anecdote alone.
She is pretty fantastic! She likes cheap wine and as a PA transplant in MD, likes to troll her Ravens supporting friends and family (like yours truly) during football games.
What makes my eyes roll the hardest whenever this argument comes up in real life is that so many white people feel the need to express their oppression at being asked not to say one word. “A harm to our constitutional rights!” they cry, which isn’t accurate, and if you think being asked not to say the N-word is oppressive then try being a PoC for a day.
But, like, actual, normal, everyday adult human beings who you know say this? Aloud? In earnest?
I don’t get it. Never mind the richness of our language containing a jillion lovely words we all rarely get around to using, so stretch yourself a little, but – how? How do you think it’s oppressive to censor that one word from your vocabulary? Are you just that stupid?
Standing and clapping.
This is glorious.
My dad read me Huck Finn, as a pretty youngish child and i still to this day remember him starting to read and then stopping and turning to me and taking a deep sigh and saying, “Ok, there’s a word in here. Sometimes old books have words in them we don’t use anymore. This word is a very ugly word, which I am going to replace with the word Negro, which is also not a very good word, but I can’t say the first one no matter what. When I read the line and say negro i want you to understand that this book is about racism in america, about horrible things people say about other people. This is the very bad word and it’s very hurtful, Ok?”
And I recall how much it impressed me as a kid. Like, “wow. My dad let me know there was a thing so bad a dad can’t handle it. And he’s telling me that, he’s treating me like a grownup person, letting me see the word and know it and trusting me never to say it.” And I could tell that it upset my dad to replace a single word in literature that he loves- I mean, he loves loves love books and Mark Twain, and he’s trading one out. It deeply impressed me. I never have to this very day said it, and I plan to never say or write it in my whole life.
I do not remember if he did the same thing about “Injun Joe” but given that we also read the Boy Captive of Deerfield, I’m guessing there must have been a similar talk in there somewhere….i hope?
Which is the long way of saying, if white people can go around with smug xs on their hands to prove how they’re so badass as to NOT DRINK, can we not find a way to give ourselves yet more overinflated smugness awards for being reasonably decent?
WHY DID YOUR DAD STORY MAKE ME CRY
NUTS. I knew I would get that wrong.
NOT EVEN TECHNICALLY NUTS!!?!?!
Hereafter, I shall refer to them as "Satan's Testes."
So let it be written, so let it be done.
and I think they missed one. something to this affect… "What if it, the n-word, what if we call other white people that. you know Lord, like it would totally show that it has lost all meaning if we call one anther, white to white that is, the N-word." and the Lord face palmed muttering what have I done…
I know I'm a day late, but this reminds me of when a good friend was expressing frustration with people who argue "it doesn't mean anything, it's just a word!" …because…as a word, that is actually THE ONLY THING IT DOES. IT MEANS A THING. That is the POINT OF WORDS.
"That is the POINT OF WORDS" is going to shortly become my most-quoted phrase, I think.
I love this! Made me laugh so many times while reading it. Mallory Ortberg is a fucking genius… Whoever she is.