Official Toast Stances: Volume Five -The Toast

Official Toast Stances: Volume Five

ByNicole and Mallory

on December 20, 2013 in Official Toast Stances

If you do not like the things we approve of, we suggest you revisit your stance. You are still allowed to like and/or engage in the things we dis-approve of, you are just wrong. Previous installments can be found here. – Eds.

The Toast Approves of the Following Things:

1. Talking to a spam comment like it’s a real person and being friendly to it.
2. Purely decorative hats on women.
3. Movies where something goes wrong in space.
4. When old British actors say the word “homosexual” but not when anybody else says it.
5. Books and movies about a tense, playful, strained male friendship that only makes sense if you read both characters as being in love with one another.

The Toast Disapproves of the Following Things:

1. Chiropractors when they say anything about medicine that doesn’t relate strictly to manipulating your bones to get that pleasant cracking sensation (yes, we are talking about when they tell people not to get vaccines.)
2. People who change the radio constantly in the car, like, they never let a song finish before flipping elsewhere.
3. People who won’t stop laughing and exclaiming things like “Oh my God!” repeatedly while reading/watching something but won’t say what they’re reacting to even after you’ve said “What is it?” like four times.
4. White shirts that you have to wear some kind of stupid camisole underneath because they are completely sheer.
5. Maraschino cherries.

Nicole and Mallory are the Editors of The Toast.

Comments (157)

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+99 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 590 weeks ago

For number 4 on teh disapprove list, can I also add 'button-up shirts you have to wear a camisole under because no-one cuts for tits and you can't button it up all the way'?

12 replies · active 589 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

cosmia 123p · 590 weeks ago

"4. When old British actors say the word “homosexual” but not when anybody else says it." Can we revise this to say "When Sir Ian McKellen says it"?

3 replies · active 564 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

tibia_ 103p · 590 weeks ago

I sometimes will listen to my radio on "scan" for....... an embarrassingly long time (an hour?). But never with other people in the car! I am the worst, though.

3 replies · active 589 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

plspassthePinot 121p · 590 weeks ago

Besides The Great Gatsby & Moby Dick, what other man-lationships meet the criteria of #5? I would like to revisit them.

11 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

MrsTeacherFace 99p · 590 weeks ago

I have a question about chiropractors. Is it super common for everyone to think they are useless quacks? Because everyone in my family (my mother, my husband, etc.) seems to think this. I've been seeing one that my OB recommended in order to mend my busted butt/sacrum (back problems due to a fall and pregnancy overall), and it seems to be helping, but I've been going for about a month, and the chiropractor told me not to lift weights or run until we can get the inflammation down, and my husband is FREAKING OUT because I can't work out with him now. I would like to work out, but I also don't want to pay for a treatment and then ignore the dude's advice in a way that will make my pain worse and make the healing process more slow.

So I guess the question is, is the chiropractor totally full of shit?

13 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+38 Vote up Vote down

bustedsneakers · 590 weeks ago

Oh no. I see what you did there. Maraschino cherries are, along with Canadian Kraft Dinner, the last bastion of the processed-food wars of the 1950s, and I REFUSE TO GIVE THEM UP. Glacee is not the same, because it does not smell LIKE CYANIDE. IE: ALMONDS.

Which are the best. As you know. I am not giving you this point, and I am not giving you a Manhattan without one.

11 replies · active 589 weeks ago

+50 Vote up Vote down

alex_geedee 125p · 590 weeks ago

Honestly though, why are all shirts see-through now? I feel like an old person, but BACK IN MY DAY, you could purchase a non-sheer shirt. I'm not entirely convinced they exist anymore. Thinking of creating an opaque shirt store on Etsy. Also movies where something goes wrong in space stress me out a lot, but like, in a good way.

14 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

MrsTeacherFace 99p · 590 weeks ago

I hate all cherries! I hate how they pop in my mouth! They are all gross.

PS - love cherry flavored things. I also like grapes, but hate all grape flavored things. It's a mystery.

5 replies · active 589 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

stuffisthings 110p · 590 weeks ago

It's obvious neither of you have graduated from the Alex Balk School Of Putting At Least One Egregiously Wrong Thing On Every List So People Will Talk About It. Who could argue with these stances??

2 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

angryporcupine 113p · 590 weeks ago

3. People who won’t stop laughing and exclaiming things like “Oh my God!” repeatedly while reading/watching something but won’t say what they’re reacting to even after you’ve said “What is it?” like four times.

My boyfriend does this, it is EXASPERATING.

3 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

noodge4lyfe 109p · 590 weeks ago

I HEART how Brits say homosexual... "homoseks-ewe-uhl"

2 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

mollpants 98p · 590 weeks ago

Movies where something goes wrong in space are simultaneously addictive and horrifying to me. I am so so so so so so so scared of space...but I can't stop watching those movies. They're so bad for me. So basically, they are maraschino cherries.

2 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

normal_catlady 78p · 590 weeks ago

#3 on the approved list does not include Gravity, right, right?? I can complain about that movie forever. Like, astronauts wear booty shorts underneath their astronaut suit? Hhahahah, no.

4 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

lyetteann 112p · 590 weeks ago

Oh god, I am totally #2 on the Disapprove list. It is honestly a wonder that my husband hasn't tossed me out of the car yet. My kid yells TURN IT BACK at me all the time now.

+3 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 590 weeks ago

Last Drynuary I was drinking a lot of soda water with maraschino cherries, and one night at the bar I found a PIT in my MARASCHINO CHERRY.

1 reply · active 590 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

mandarinmarie 98p · 590 weeks ago

FUCK YOU MARASCHINO CHERRIES!! My husband gets migraines from red food coloring (specifically red 40) and basically that's all maraschino cherries are made of. We have to act like dicks every time we go to a bar, saying "and no cherries in that!" even if it's a drink one wouldn't normally put a cherry in because some bartenders don't care and will put a cherry in anything.

+19 Vote up Vote down

theskyrbeast 105p · 590 weeks ago

I get through movies about Things Going Wrong in Space by pretending I am a person on a far-away planet (possibly Beta Colony or Barrayar, because Lois McMaster Bujold's space-colonizing future is the best space-colonizing future)*, a few hundred years in the future, watching fascinating historical documents about our ancestors making their first steps into space.

*Unsubtle attempt to find other Bujold-loving Toasties.

11 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

actualmeg 113p · 590 weeks ago

To the maraschino-haters out there, may I take a moment to recommend Luxardo cherries? They are what those gross, plasticky, supermarket-brand, Red 40-doctored cherries are pretending to be, but they are WAY BETTER and taste like actual fruit.

2 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 590 weeks ago

List for #5? List for #5! Also known as books-and-movies through which I came of age that left me very confused about being a girl:

- A Separate Peace
- Newsies
- School Ties
- Swing Kids
- Dead Poets Society

What else?

4 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

corfay 102p · 590 weeks ago

i <3 u, spam comments/emails

3 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

dotcommie · 590 weeks ago

Is #3 on the approve list in reference to Gravity? Because I am trying to decide whether to see that tonight. Please advise.

Okay on the Maraschino cherries, but Luxardo Maraschino liqueur is the BOMB.

5 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

thebellewitch 122p · 590 weeks ago

When I was a kid, my dad told me that maraschino cherries can't be digested, and they stay in your stomach for 7 years. I believed this for ... let's not talk about how long.

1 reply · active 590 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

faebl 81p · 590 weeks ago

uh-oh, I like/do about 3 or 4 things on the disapprove list this week.

don't make me leaveee

0 Vote up Vote down

Lyzz · 590 weeks ago

The only thing maraschinos are good for is to decorate the middle of pineapple rings in Pineapple Upside-down cake. At which point, you pick them off to eat the caramel-butter-goo-crust underneath.

+5 Vote up Vote down

sluts4ever 107p · 590 weeks ago

Fuck camisoles. Sluts 4ever!

Also: maraschino cherries?????? But what about manhattans?

+2 Vote up Vote down

robot_dinosaur 115p · 590 weeks ago

What about stories where something goes wrong in space? Like "The Cold Equations"? Which I was about to write was by Theodore Sturgeon, but it totally isn't. It's Tom Godwin.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Aimee · 590 weeks ago

Unsurprisingly, you are correct on all accounts.

+22 Vote up Vote down

SarcasticFringehead 113p · 590 weeks ago

Can we also include people who flip through the channels on TV and stop on a show just long enough for me to get a little invested in seeing what happens next, and then change it? My brother & my mom's boyfriend both do this, & drives me NUTS.

1 reply · active 590 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

molly 92p · 590 weeks ago

i reconnected with an old friend over our shared passion for #5! her name is also molly; it was two mollys being pulled together through time and distance to delight over the obvious implications of the slash relationship of two characters who literally spend every minute of their lives trying to murder each other (out of misplaced affection of course!)

1 reply · active 590 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

thesweetandlowdown 100p · 590 weeks ago

Once more, I'm pleased to find that The Toast and I are on the same wavelength.

About #2: I'm a republican through and through, but one reason I tolerate the British monarchy is that they're helping to keep the millinery industry afloat.

+1 Vote up Vote down

cuminafterall 108p · 590 weeks ago

I hate a nasty maraschino cherry as much as anyone, but I've heard the Luxardo ones are actually good? Can anyone confirm? Is this just a marketing ploy to make me buy a $17 jar of cherries?

2 replies · active 590 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

keristars 105p · 590 weeks ago

ahahahaha i didn't know that cherries didn't come off the tree like maraschino cherries (i figured the liqueur was sugar water like with canned pineapples, to keep them fresh) and i was SO disappointed when i learned otherwise. i must have been in middle school if not high school at the time.

as a result, i've never been able to enjoy regular cherries. they're just this enormous fakery to me. also, the noise my mom makes when eating them is 100000% disgusting.

+19 Vote up Vote down

donkeywork 94p · 590 weeks ago

Homo Secks-Sewell. Love that guy, and his wife, Lady Secks.

+5 Vote up Vote down

Chickensalad 58p · 590 weeks ago

I once had a chiropractor who said we should all eat a lot of red meat and avoid dairy because it leaches calcium from our bones; the fact that it builds stronger bones is a DAIRY INDUSTRIAL LIE. He also once followed me out to the car to berate me for smoking cigarettes and try to get me to talk about the fact that I was cutting to him because "[he was] a doctor". I DON'T HAVE A CHIROPRACTOR ANYMORE

1 reply · active 590 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

MuseKray 101p · 590 weeks ago

You guys, I literally shouted "Yes!" about number 1 in the disapproval list. An old roommate who was a chiropractor went on a rant on vaccines when I let slip my old job paid for my flu shot. I could not get him to shut up about it.

In other news, I really don't understand the level of ignorance people have about flu shots.

+11 Vote up Vote down

MsHuntingCreek · 590 weeks ago

Mr. Hunting Creek said of the cherries, "But we're making Canadian Old Fashioneds! For Christmas Eve! We need them!"
"Too bad," I said, "Nicole and Mallory have spoken."

+4 Vote up Vote down

clairezulkey 78p · 589 weeks ago

#3 is my husband. He also will sometimes look out the window and go "What?!" and not tell me what he's looking at. I hate him.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Blake · 581 weeks ago

I don't care for #3 either - People who won’t stop laughing and exclaiming things like “Oh my God!” repeatedly while reading/watching. Actually just always saying "Oh my God!" for any reason puts me off.

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