The author was inspired by #NYTwomensobits.
Clementine Churchill’s husband, Winston, son of the famous American socialite Jennie Jerome, has died at 91. Sir Winston was an accomplished amateur painter and famous for his tea-cakes.
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Rosalind Franklin’s lab partner, James Watson, has passed away at 98. For many years a scientist, his true calling was home cooking and he was said to make a wonderful macaroni and cheese casserole.
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Adele Astaire’s brother Fred Astaire, 88, popular dance partner of Ginger Rogers and fashion icon, has passed away at his home in Southern California.
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Elizabeth of York’s son Henry Tudor has passed away at Whitehall Palace. Henry, 55, was father of Elizabeth and Mary Tudor, husband of Catherine of Aragon, and five other wives. Henry was an excellent dancer, and well known for his fabulous wedding dinners.
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Janet Armstrong’s ex-husband Neil, 82, has passed away in Cincinnati. Neil was a famous practical joker, active in the Boy Scouts and had earned the rank of Eagle Scout. He was a popular Professor in his later years, and everyone loved his butterscotch Blondies at the faculty potlucks.
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Henry Ford, grandfather, folk dancing enthusiast and husband of Clara Jane Bryant, has passed away at 83 in Dearborn, Michigan. Henry was an avid gardener, and specialized in growing tropical plants.
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Marion Estelle Edison’s father, Thomas, has passed away at 84 in New Jersey. According to Marion, he was a great father and loved to tinker around in the garage. He is survived by his second wife Mina, and many loving grandchildren.
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Loving husband Karl Marx, devoted spouse of Jenny von Westphalen, has died in London at 64. Marx was father to eight children, and loved organizing parties for his many friends.
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Composer Fanny Mendelssohn’s brother Felix, has passed away in Leipzig at age 38. Home schooled by his mother and musically inspired by his sister’s talent, he was moved to compose a little himself. Felix was also a devoted husband and father.
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Devoted father and grandfather Thomas Jefferson has died in Virginia. Mr Jefferson was an avid gardener and a gourmet cook, and his friends and family recall that he took took the greatest joy in home decorating, entertaining, volunteering at a local school and arranging musical evenings with friends. He is survived by his daughters Martha and Mary, and a son, Thomas Woodson.
Tags: feminism, kathleen cooper, misandry, obituaries
I want to go to a party at the Marxes’s house. I hear everyone generally has a pretty good time, right?
dying
This would make an excellent tshirt…especially with his obituary on it
My husband has this tshirt. Wait. Now I’m trying to figure out how to spin this towards misandry. Damnit.
Loved this.
Perfect. You are perfect; this is perfect.
YEP the Toast is the best place on the Internet.
Karl Marx was actually a pretty good feminist for a bourgeois Victorian. His wife and surviving daughters were both very active in left-wing political causes, with his full support. (His daughter Laura committed suicide with her husband when they were in their 60s and decided they had nothing further to contribute to the revolution.)
I get the sense that Jefferson would have actually been content with that description.
“volunteering at a local school” heehee
His actual gravestone says, per his instructions:
Here was buried
Thomas Jefferson
Author of the Declaration of American Independence
of the Statute of Virginia for religious freedom
Father of the University of Virginia
So, close!
These are all amazing. I think the Henry Ford one might be my favorite, as it mentions literally nothing about vehicles, not even as an aside.
WONDERFUL
“Famous for his tea cakes” — will be laughing about this all day …
+1 @lassotabasco This was fantastic.
John Keats, fiancee of Frances “Fanny” Brawne Lindon, beloved brother and friend, passed away at 25 on the 23rd of February in Rome after losing his battle with tuberculosis. He spent much of his time nursing his younger brother and comforting him before he passed away in 1819. John will be remembered by his friends for his emotional support and how great he looked in a blue velvet jacket.
Also known for his devotion to correspondence and his stylish penmanship
THANK YOU for that very true addendum. Here’s some proof of that very stylish penmanship if anyone’s curious: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/03/30/article…
Perfection.
“… loved organizing parties for his many friends.”
Win.
I LOVE THIS.
Fanny Mendelssohn!
First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln lost her husband, Abraham, suddenly last night. Mr Lincoln was a devoted husband and father, and was fond of composing aphorisms. He will be missed.
Thank you all for your kind words !
PERFECTION. I loved the one for Fred Astaire.
ok… the “The husband of [x] has passed away” joke only actually works if the [x] is reasonably prominent. Mendelssohn works, many of the rest don’t.
Neil Armstrong’s first wife was Janet, not Jane; they divorced in 1994. She is not, to my knowledge, a public figure in any way.
I have happily fixed “Janet.” I think that most of us are quite confident that the jokes are working.
your website, your call, of course. But featuring non-prominent women in this way kind of reinforces the stereotype that men are prominent public features/intellectuals/do-ers and women aren’t.
*blinks rapidly, breathes heavily* CAN WE KEEP THIS ONE
*gorges mouth so full of popcorn I explode*
*crosses “entertain mallory” off of bucket list*
I think the idea is that these are “misandrist” as opposed to “feminist” obituaries, which make sense in the ongoing context of our misandrist coverage. Therefore, a man, famous or not, will be mentioned only in the context of his female partner, regardless of her accomplishments.
“Ofanny,” “Ofjanet,” The Handman’s Tale.
Misandry, after all, is about hating men, not celebrating the achievements of women.
oh don’t explain it you’re ruining all the fun *spits out string of half-masticated popcorn*
The work is EVERYTHING, Mallory. The work is all.
It’s not that distinction that doesn’t work for me, it’s the deviation from standard obit form that’s tripping me up, humor-wise. I mean, it’s a kind of writing that’s really stylized, which is why whenever there’s some sort of weird ass obit about how their family secretly hated the deceased person, it runs on gawker and people chat about it around the water cooler. That said, obviously this joke is working for everyone else, so, to each her own, build it they will come, etc and so on. Can you tell I work among people who like to discuss each and every choice of adjective and the very minute variations of tone and style in printed texts of any kind? I’ll see myself out.
Which kind of jokes do you like best?
Fanny Mendelssohn actually preferred to go by her married name, Fanny Hensel, but was advised to publish under her maiden name so that people would make the connection to Felix. She’s also known as Fanny Mendelssohn-Hensel for this reason, even though that was never her name at any time. In the world of this post, I like to think that Felix would be “Felix Hensel.”
I will think of him as Felix Hensel from this moment forward.
I would love to see Jefferson’s obituary with reference to his partner, Sally Hemings, and the children they had together.
Or!
Thomas Jefferson passed away today. In the future, he will be remembered for sharing the same surname as “The Jeffersons,” who have recently moved on up to the east side, and nothing else.
I, too, would have liked to see that.
Haha so funny!
These are brilliant.
On my page the son (in Thomas Jefferson’s obit) cuts off and his name is alone on the next line so at first glance I read:
“He is survived by his daughters Martha and Mary, and a son” and thought it was so perfect that the son had no name.
so excellent
so very excellent
Noah’s Wife’s husband Noah passed away today at the age of 1200. He was an avid sailor and animal lover, and took to making homemade wine in his later years. He is survived by his daughters-in-law, Shem’s Wife, Ham’s Wife, and Jafeth’s Wife, and their husbands.
YES
I’m giggling so hard at this one, good job.
Anne Hathaway announces with sorrow the passing of her husband William, 52. Will, as he was known to friends, left a youthful career on the stage to settle down as a devoted husband and father of three. His venison stew won the Stratford-on-Avon PTA Cook-Off three years running, and family and friends from all over England still treasure the Hathaways’ annual Christmas letter, which Will took great pleasure in crafting each year. William is survived by his wife Anne, his daughters Susanna and Judith, and his grandchildren Elizabeth, Shakespeare, Richard, and Thomas.
crying. just tears of laughter.
Could a gentlemen please throw a cat at me.
Piles of love. Giant fluffy piles.
Jennie Jerome was a political FORCE, yo. Way more savvy than her husband. Plus she not only had an affair with the king but also chose as her second husband a man the same age as her son.
In other news, I’m reading To Marry an English Lord. These two things are not at all related, I promise….
this post makes me happy
the best part for me is this phrase: “Rosalind Franklin’s lab partner, James Watson”
that’s a GOOD phrase.
Yeah, that one is actually pretty accurate.
This article just seems bizarre but it may be a cultural thing. Newspaper obituaries are written by the family where I’m from, as such they’re glowing exaggerations of how perfect in every way the deceased was, and not even most misogynists want to downplay their mother’s achievements.
I'm giggling so hard at this one, good job.
This is so perfect in every way.
This is so perfect in every way.
Well, this is genius!
Consider making some of them contain more about the woman, and ensure that all claims to greatness are given only by female approval – we need to know what a *woman* thought of him:
Rosalind Franklin’s lab partner, James Watson, has passed away at 98. For many years a scientist, he gained recognition from Franklin during her work to measure the structural properties of DNA, which had only been guessed at previously, and whose work has changed the course of biology. James will be fondly remembered for his wonderful macaroni and cheese casserole.