“Do you have a minute?”
“Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Do you have a minute to talk later?”
“Hey, do you have a minute to talk later?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Hey, can I ask you a quick question?”
“Can I ask you your advice on something?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?”
“I have to tell you something.” (Not technically a question.)
“Will you be around this afternoon?”
“Can you come into my office for a minute?”
“Can you come by my office for a few minutes?”
“Can you come by later?”
“can you come by later”
“How well would you say you know ____?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, do you think so?”
“What do you think is the problem?”
“Do you notice anything wrong with this?”
“Can you explain what you were thinking when this happened?”
“Can we talk about this?”
“Can we talk?”
No, I don’t, I can’t, I would rather blow myself up with a hand grenade than come by your office later, I’ll come by but only if you can promise me I’m not in trouble, can you at least tell me what kind of trouble I’m in so I don’t have to guess, how many minutes is a few minutes, why wouldn’t you end this email with a smiley face to put me at ease so I don’t think I’m in trouble, am I in trouble, are you sure, I don’t know what I was thinking obviously I wasn’t thinking at all, I don’t see what’s wrong, I don’t know who that is I never heard of him, I thought it was fine but obviously I’m wrong, just tell me what it is now, tell me, tell me what I did wrong because I’ll never guess, not in a thousand years with a thousand guessing machines, never ask me anything, no we can’t, please just leave me alone to die.
Tags: am i in trouble, just tell me what it is, no i will not come by your office i will blow myself up with a grenade, questions, uncertainty
Related Posts
Can I be honest with you?
NO ABSOLUTELY NOT
Seriously. “Must you?”
Soothing lies is all I ever want to hear!
“I’ve yet to see any evidence that you can, but I’m willing to be surprised.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Eng-pRT9uA
I just broke out in hives.
“We have to talk.”
“What’s wrong here?” = 60% of my interaction with my thesis advisor.
I had professors like that.
Professor: “Osutein, what do YOU think needs to be improved in your thesis?”
Me (in my brain): “Nothing. My genius is unimpeachable.”
Me (in real life): “Well, I, uh… I guess the thoughts? The thoughts aren’t so good. Also the words. Next time I think I’ll try to use other, better words. I’m also totally willing to change the font, and the structure, and also the entire thesis. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I’d say what’s wrong is the entire thing…?”
Well, I think I just figured out why my adviser hates me. Because I say “Nothing, my genius is unimpeachable.”
The lady who owns the place where I keep my horses says ‘Walk with me’ and it strikes FEAR into everyone’s heart. The thing is, she says it whether she’s about to wish you happy birthday or give you notice to pack your things and find somewhere else for your horse, so you just never know…
This sounds charming to me, but I do not own horses so maybe that affects my judgement.
It’s the same ‘someone in authority wants to speak to you and you have no idea whether you’re in trouble or not or what kind of trouble it might be’ thing.
Well, maybe I think it’s charming in the same way I always think a police officer wants me to answer, “Because I’m awesome,” when he or she asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
(jk. I’m always a sweaty ball of fear when I get pulled over, even though I’ve never gotten a ticket for anything.)
‘Do you know how fast you were driving?’
I am never sure whether to answer ‘yes, I’m neither a bloody idiot nor blind and I can see the speedometer’ or ‘No, of course not, if I’d known I was speeding I’d have slowed down, how stupid are you?’
‘Do you know how fast you were driving?’
‘I’M DRIVING?!”
This sounds like everything my friends have ever told me about barns.
Mine’s lovely – I’ve been there for 22 years now and the owner is like a second mother to me, but much like a mother, she can still strike me with the Fear!
Last week a higher up in the finance department calls me and says in a very serious tone, “Hi, will you be in your office for the next five minutes?…OK I will be down soon.” PANIC. PANIC. And then she comes down to hand off a wedding card for a coworker. -_-
my dad, who never texts me, sent a text this weekend that said “Do you have a second to talk?” I called my house in rapidly mounting panic and the first thing my mom said when she answered the phone was, “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong.” he wanted to tell me he had a job interview. my mother is the only person who understands me.
My mom (ALL moms, maybe?) likes to send texts that say “Could you call me as soon as you get this?”
D: D: D:
It’s never been about anything very important. . . yet.
Oh god, that’s horrifying. My mom and I are cut from the same cloth. She texts me every day on the pretense of asking how I am but really just to make sure that I haven’t died. I will do this to my children one day and they will hate it until they understand.
MY MOM ALWAYS DOES THIS. And then I call her in a rush all panicked and she is all “Oh your aunt is having a birthday party for your uncle this weekend, if you’re coming can you bring a cake?” and I am like OMG MOM WHY, TEXT ME THIS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
My mom also does this, although she has started adding little caveats like: Call me when you get this (not urgent!)
This is my mother. Only she also likes to leave long voicemails (long because of pauses that might be her crying, you just can’t tell) in which she always ALWAYS sounds as though she’s weepy, and the entire message is always, “Hi hun, it’s Mum. Will you please *sniff* call me when you have a second? OK, thanks, bye.”
For the first 15 years after I got a cell phone I called back in a panic, because someone, clearly, is dead, and that someone might be my cat or my dad and oh my god what is WRONG JUST TELL ME.
You’re right. It was never anything more serious than, “Do you remember where I might have put that recipe I was telling you about that time?” (MOM I HAVEN’T LIVED WITH YOU IN OVER 10 YEARS WHY WOULD I KNOW THIS.)
Now I call back later on, utterly blasé, so I just KNOW that one of these times it is going to be something horrible and then the cycle will begin anew.
My mom does this, too! Because she knows it’s the best way to get me to call her back. It’s cruel.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine and her husband got several missed calls on both their phones, late at night, from her mom (across several continents/time zones, from a city that has been having a lot of public unrest). Then she got a voicemail that said only “please call me right away, we need to discuss something urgent”. So she called back as soon as she heard the message, heart in her throat, trembling at the thought of what dire news awaited…and her mom said:
“Hey. Real vanilla bean. HOW TO USE?”
My dad’s the one that does this in my family. This summer, he sent me a text that just said “call me.” When I called him, he just wanted to tell me that he was going to be in my town in a few weeks and wanted to see if I was free for dinner one night. Dads!
THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE TEXT I RECEIVE FROM MY MOTHER
“Call me ASAP”
oh shit who died
“Hi sweetie do you need a new throw for your living room because I found a nice one on sale”
“Call me as soon as you see this”
oh god what happened
“Hi sweetie the cats are getting fat how much should I be feeding them???”
MOM STOP IT JESUS
When my dad had cancer and it was still acting in a nasty way, my mom would send us texts that said, “Call me please,” and half the time they’d be about his condition and the other half of the time they’d be about how she hates her shoes or something. It was such a mindfuck.
Oh god. Years of my mom being sick made me despise voicemail with all my heart. But somehow, even though I have explicitly told my dad about this, he still leaves voicemails saying, like, “Laura. This is your father. It is Tuesday afternoon. Call me back.” NO NO STOP IT DAD YOU JUST WANT TO TELL ME WHERE YOU HIKED TODAY
Oh man, the voicemails. My mom would leave vague voicemails as well, and she was always so exhausted, emotionally and physically, that they’d all be monotone and terrifying.
My mom used to do this to me all the time. Either vague and scary or totally meandering and pointless and five minutes long. Finally I made a rule: you may only leave me a voicemail if the sentiment CANNOT BE CONVEYED without sound. So, for the next three years, I got a lot of “name that tune” voicemails from her, before she realized that she could sing the nonsense she wanted to tell me and get around the rule.
I sort of want to be one of those people whose voicemail says “if you want to reach me, hang up and text me.” But professionalism. So. Sigh.
OH GOD I SAY HALF OF THESE THINGS IN REAL LIFE
::hangs head in shame::
Why must you frighten us so?
I get really anxious about popping in and disturbing people (who are potentially in a work groove, or else are the most intent procrastinators I’ve ever met) just to ask questions, so I feel the need to preface it with a “do you have a moment?”
Now I just send emails and avoid all face to face communication.
That’s the best. Never speak directly to anyone.
I use some of these on my boss, actually. “Do you have a minute for a quick phone call?”
I do too. Last week I said to my husband, “Can I tell you something? I think we’re out of coffee.” He thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant. My communication skills are severely lacking.
THIS IS TRIGGERING
I AM QUITTING MY JOB THIS WEEK I WILL HAVE TO START BY ASKING ONE OF THESE
“can we meet tomorrow
A[postdoc adviser’s name]”
is the one that currently strikes terror into my heart. NO I’M SORRY I’M BUSY TOMORROW NOT BEING ALIVE.
*Vomits into a wastepaper bin!*
“Hey, let’s step into the conference room for a second.”
It’s like Russian roulette. Could be a $1,000 bonus just because; could be a 45-minute-long yelling session, also just because; might just be a brief informational chat about a new project. THE FEAR, IT IS REAL.
My only boss who ever did this did it so often – mostly about option (c) – that I eventually became numb to it. Until the day I was able to detect an ever-so-slightly different tone of voice…
UGH our boss always says “Can you come into my office for a sec” and it’s usually just for a totally normal thing that he could have said in our office and I always get the panics and then it’s fine, but then one day I DID get written up, so it just confirmed my fear.
Jesus fuck, my supervisor will do this all the time. Blank email with subject line “Come by and chat when you have a minute.” IMMEDIATE DOOM. (It’s never been anything bad, but you know.)
“Please come see me”
THIS IS THE WORST. I am always most terrified at the word “Please” or a “Thank you.” that ends in a period. Just put an exclamation mark at the end of “Thank you!” I’ll feel so much better!
My terrifying old boss used to send people “please come see me” emails right before she fired/promoted them (you never knew which it would be! everything was so dysfunctional!)
This strikes fear because to me it sounds like something a teacher writes next to a bad grade or on a paper where you totally fucked things up. As in “C- Please come see me.”
Also I hate it very very much when gchatting with Mr. LF, and he says Bad news, and then hits enter, and then I have to wait and wait to find out if someone’s dead or if he dropped his chips.
I’ve finally mostly trained him to put it all in the same message all at once. Saves me untold quantities of panic.
I was in a sketch-writing class where everyone’s sketch would be read aloud, and if one was bad the teacher would ask “How did you think that went?” It struck fear into the hearts of everybody.
This is why when I worked at a daycare center, when we had to call parents for whatever reason, we were coached to have literally the first words out of our mouths be “Everything is fine” and then proceed with the reason for calling. This was still good practice even when I had to call a parent about the fact that her kid was bleeding – he was still extremely alive, and therefore she should not have to have a heart attack just because he got a scratch.
“Hello, this is Highfivesforall from Sunshine Daycare. Everything is fine, but I wanted to ask you whether your child’s health insurance covers armlessness.”
Hello, this is Highfivesforall from Sunshine Daycare. Everything is fine – Taylor is such a ray of sunshine and everyone loves her! I did want to mention that she seems to be growing a bit of an exoskeleton, so we’re having her stay in the nap room until you pick her up this afternoon. Nothing to worry about – just wanted to make sure she’s comfortable until we find out what’s going on!
“Hi, yes, everything is fine! Totally fine! But is there a tiny chance that Taylor Madison Brooklyn Nevaeh Sophie is actually a cockroach and not in fact a human child? That maybe you dressed up like a little girl, but is in fact a disgusting roach? And maybe you gave it a wee little lunchbox—which don’t get me wrong, is cute as the dickens—to disguise the fact that you’re treating an abominable insect like a daughter, tuning out the inconvenient fact that ‘she’ possess an exoskeleton and horrible antennae? Again, everything is fine!”
Hi MIchelle! This is Linda, the owner of Sunshine Daycare – I think Highfivesforall tried leaving you a few messages earlier today? Anyway, everything is fine, I’m just calling to let you know that the other caregivers and I are taking all the kids to another location. A secure location. We’re leaving Taylor here – I think she will be OK by herself. One other thing: she seems to be getting…bigger? She was throwing her weight against the nap room door and it cracked a little bit, is all. We’ve barricaded it now but you might want to pick her up a little early today. Again, we won’t be here when you arrive – just wanted to bring you up to speed! I have to go now. Bye!
Ok, so.
Horrifying.
“Hi Michelle, this is Karen, the head of security down at the Smith building. Linda from Sunshine Daycare gave me your number – she wanted me to tell you that everything’s fine, but it now appears that there are multiple children in the nap room. At least, I’ve never heard a sound like that come out of just one throat, and the footsteps don’t sound like anything with just six feet. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we’ve set up a cordon around the daycare and evacuated the building, but don’t worry – just show your ID to the guards at the front door and they’ll let you in and give you a suit. See you soon!”
give you a suit
Very glad I came back here to check on my non-logged in comment – I am just pleased as punch with the direction you all have gone here, you kafkaesque nightmare inducers you!
I kid you not as I was reading I suddenly saw a spider crawling down my bare arm. I screamed and I’m not ashamed.
I love you all so much for taking this in this gloriously direction. Bless you all.
Throws self away
“Can you close the door, please?”
WHY?!
Because I am the luckiest secretary in the world, my fabulous boss and I often ask “can I close the door?” and that means SNARK TIME. Tragically, I get a new boss every three years (it’s a rotating position among the faculty in our department) and her last year is next year.
I first read that as SNACK TIME and almost emailed you my resume.
WE FEAST UPON THE PLIGHTS OF STUPID PEOPLE
I mean, that also sounds awesome, but I originally envisioned you and your boss (played in my brain by Jennifer Lawrence and Jane Curtin) closing the door and then giddily showering M&M Trail Mix and lightly sea-salted cashews into your open mouths while, outside, in the cold, your co-workers munched sadly on stale, oversalted legumes.
I am *this close* to telling her about this comment thread because that is GOLDEN.
Tell her and it may come true!
…because there’s a draft…?
In my office it’s the opposite. We have one…difficult…coworker, so anytime any of us go into the Office Manager’s office and ask to close the door he sighs “what did he do now?”
Everything I’ve ever said to anyone
Months of this, including what essentially amounted to scoldings for things I could never have imagined would be a problem. As I’m finalizing a new job offer this week, I went ahead and gave my notice. Like you do. The next day I’m called into the office and told no, actually, we’ll give you a severance and escort you while you pack your things now.
I’m a manager, and I have learned that sometimes I have to just say, “Can you come in my office for a minute?” and then immediately follow up with, “You’re not in trouble.” so they don’t tremble the whole way in.
The unfortunate side effect, of course, is that now if I DON’T say, “You’re not in trouble.” they know they probably are and they tremble anyway.
I also once had someone argue with me about closing the door. I was counseling him on some work problems, and I asked him to close the door and he was literally like, “NO IT’S TOTALLY FINE IT’S NOT BAD CAN’T WE LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.” O.o
Seeing “Meeting to discuss personnel funding” (to which only the bosses are invited) posted on the common office calendar. Oh God oh God oh God, we have no money, I’m going to get fired and never be able to find another job and end up eating ketchup packets for sustenance
Every single time HR sends out a “notice of job vacancy” email I sincerely consider the possibility that they fired me but forgot to tell me about it and are now looking for my replacement.
I have worked for places so poorly managed that the likelihood of this exact scenario was not all that far-fetched.
(I seriously registered an account because of this post!)
You guys, when I was 19-20, I dated a guy who would say “We need to talk” or “Can we talk?” before berating me for some perceived wrong I had done. So, a couple of years later, when I was newly dating the present Mr. westprocrasti, Mr. W sent me an email saying, “We need to talk.” I spent the next several hours having a panic attack, because I THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS DIFFERENT, and and it turned out that he meant, “We’ve both been busy, and I miss you! Can we make some time to talk about our weeks?”
It’s been twelve years, and he’s never said anything resembling those words again.
Keeper.
After 22+ years, I’ve learned from bitter experience that when Mr. Bittersweet says, “Can we talk?” it just means he wants to catch up. Not that he’s leaving or murdered someone.
I kind of love that those two things both make your list. Not just, “Oh god, he’s breaking up with me.” but also, “Oh god, he’s a serial killer.”
I nominate the addition of “shut the door, please” as an addendum to “can you come in here for a second.”
Sir, would you step out of the tractor for a minute?
I HAVE A CLIENT WHO DOES THIS.
He is the nicest man in the world and has, to date, never said anything that could be considered even remotely hostile, but he sends really terse emails because he’s always strapped for time and they always make my heart skip a beat even though I know when I actually talk to him he’s going to be all, “How’s your cold doing? Did you have a nice weekend? I’d really love your input on this upcoming project and of course I’ll pay you double . . . ”
But that conversation starts with an email that’s like: “Can we talk Monday?” and PANIC PANIC PANIC
“Can you do me a favor?”
Apparently, conditioned by years of “Can I talk to you for a minute” being sly code for “Can I yell at you for half an hour,” whenever someone says that to me now my face goes white and the conversation (which, invariably, has been praise in this new job) ends in me having to go to the bathroom and have a panic attack. Which freaks out people at work hardcore, apparently. It took them under a month to go from “Can we talk” to things that don’t actually cause panic attacks.
Thank god I work in a small office.
These are all so correct. I don’t believe any variation of “What do you think is the problem?” has ever been used except as a seemingly neutral way to rub someone’s nose in their failures. I hope this list doesn’t get into the wrong hands because people definitely know what they’re doing with these phrases a lot of the time, and they don’t need any more ideas. Although it would be nice if it prompted my boss to stop giving me curt phone calls to ask if she can see me for a minute in her office (so far, just to show me funny videos or tell me I’m getting a bigger cubicle, not that I’m being fired for reading the Toast too much).
“It’s the socratic method! I’m just trying to help you learn!” No, you are just being mean. This is the boss/teacher version of “If you don’t know why I’m mad then I’m not going to tell you.” Just, no, stop it.
Several of these are why we really, really need the “I’m not angry” punctuation mark http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6872071/8-new-an…
I once had a guy text me “We must have a conversation.” Like, seriously, dude? I’m glad to see you know synonyms, but does that make it any better? No. No it does not.
Was he actually a robot? He was probably a robot.
For real, that second one was what my boss 3 weeks ago before laying me off. GOOD TIMES.
In my family, it’s a late night phone call from my parents that starts off “Are you out doing something tonight? Oh yeah? Are you having fun?” or a voicemail that goes “So this is Mom. Can you call me when you have a minute? No rush.” as that’s how they have chosen to start off each notification of a family death to me and my siblings. And yes, if you say you’re out at a party and having fun, they’ll tell you to have a good night and then tell you the following morning.
This is both very considerate and absolutely horrible.
My mother did similar – she texted to say ‘call me when you get this’ but I was driving, got to where I was going and then she wouldn’t tell me what was the matter, said no, do your thing, then ring me when you get home. I eventually got her to say and it was indeed that dad had died.
Awful! There’s no good way to tell someone that though, is there – she didn’t want me to hear it over the phone and I totally understand that!
Loved the shiz out of this post and I did myself an injury laughing at the last paragraph. Worth it.
Adwoa xo
MY HORRIBLE HORRIBLE WIFE ASKS ME ALL OF THESE DAILY FOR STUPID REASONS
“Can I ask you something?”
oh no what hellfire will rain upon me
“What do think of when I say ‘Sarkozy’s farewell?’. It’s five letters.”
“Sam, do you have a minute to talk?”
oh god please don’t leave me
“Do you ever think about how big space is?”
She is my favorite person in the whole wide world but goddamnit the dramatic way she introduces benign topics
Please tell your wife that I am constantly reminding myself about how big space is so I think she and I should be fwends.
My friend who was watching my cat sent me a text saying, “Can you call me?” I immediately made excuses to my friends and ran outside to call him.
“There’s a problem?”
“What?!”
“With the kitty.”
“Oh no, oh no, please, is she okay?”
“She’s asleep on my lap and now I can’t get up.”
I could have strangled him.
Bro, do you even lift?
OF COURSE I DO WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT
My mother always sends me a text that says, “Can you call me when you have a chance, I need to ask you something?” And an icicle goes through my chest as I think “SHE FOUND THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES IN MY JACKET POCKET” and then I remember that I am 26 and live in my own house.
“What could be more reasonable than that?”
And that, you guys, is how know that you are about to be fucked over. Not in a good, fun, sexy way, the memory of which will be your happy place from that moment on until all that is left to mark your passage through this earthly realm is an undying Cheshire grin of satisfied dissipation.
No, the phrase “What could be more reasonable than that?” heralds a fucking over not in a good, fun, sexy way, but rather in a cold, calculating, cynical way, the manner of which will leave even cancerous polyps hiding deep in your lower intestine recoiling from the sheer evilness of the reaming you are about to receive at the hands of a specialist.
Honey?
ARE YOU ALONE?
ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
New Outlook meeting request: “Discussion.” Accept?
No, never never never. (This has nothing to do with how a recent meeting just reorganized my team.)
“This is your bank. Can you call back?”
“This is your bank. Can you call back URGENTLY?”
ABOUT WHAT CALL BACK ABOUT WHAT WHY WOULDN’T YOU SAY ABOUT WHAT OH GOD I HAVE NO MONEY AND AM GOING TO DEBTORS’ PRISON, JUST SAY IT.
Last time this happened, I got the voicemail on a Friday evening, spent the whole weekend half convinced I was going to die, and when I called them back they said, “Oh. Can you take this survey?” A fucking SURVEY. And that’s how I ended up telling my bank please not to do that, people have anxiety disorders sometimes, you know.
“Hey, do you know what I’d really love?” = I did it wrong.
“Are you doing anything tonight?” = I am now
“what do you think of…” = foot-in-mouth coming soon
Oh, good god.
My husband always says “Can you do me a favor?” and might follow it up with any number of things. I’m always like, JUST ASK ME TO DO THE THING INSTEAD OF PREFACING IT
experiencing second hand anxiety.
Two years later, still sending this to new supervisors.