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Home: The Toast

roommateThe day he stops asking “if it’s okay” if he turns on the TV while she’s on the phone and just goes for it.

The first morning you leave your bedroom only to find that he’s in the kitchen before you.

The first time the two of you have an extended conversation while she’s getting ready; you will use the footage from this conversation for the basis of all future conversations for the next three months (“How did that test end up going?” “Which test?” “The test from before, from I guess November.”).

The first time you hear a key in the front door and that’s how you find out she made a duplicate of the key for him.

The first time you hear them have sex.

The first time you find yourself keeping track of which dishes in the sink are his and which dishes in the sink are hers, so that you only wash the dishes dirtied by full-time residents of the apartment.

The first time he parks in your spot.


The first time the two of them get in a fight in your apartment that lasts so long you can’t leave your room to use the bathroom because they never knew you were at home to begin with and you can’t walk past them now.

The first time they hear you playing music intentionally so loud they’ll have to ask you to turn it down in a coded message that you can hear them having sex.

The first time you suggest to her that he “kick in” for utilities, since he’s there all the time anyhow.

The first time you suggest to him that he “contribute something” for utilities, since he’s there all the time anyhow.

The first time you circle the total on the utility bill and divide it into three parts instead of two, with his name prominently written under the third entry.

The first time the two of them ask you if you want to ‘stay for dinner’ as if the apartment is already theirs.


The first time you accept the invitation and the three of you actually have a pretty nice time.

The first morning you find yourself comparing the level in your shampoo bottle to the level in your conditioner bottle, suspicious that he has been using yours instead of hers because he can’t tell the difference.

The first day neither of them respond to any of your questions or seem able to see or hear you at all.

The first day your phone stops ringing. The first day your phone stops working at all. The first day you see your phone in his hand.

The first day mail starts arriving in your mailbox addressed to him, and you realize you can no longer manipulate physical objects.

The first day you find yourself unable to leave the house.

The first day he accidentally walks right through you on his way to the porch.

The first day all of the furniture in your room is gone, and you overhear your roommate referring to you in the past tense.

The first day you look in the mirror and even you cannot see yourself.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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