Watching Gonzo Netflix: A Selection Of Films I’d Really Like To See

by Ella Risbridger · February 5, 2014

Seven films inspired by categories from the greatest gift of the internet: The Atlantic’s gonzo Netflix generator.

doctor-who-the-crimson-horror6

1. Lesbian Detective Opposites-Attract Post-Apocalyptic Mysteries Set In The Victorian Era

Harpsichord and Cass: Wolf-Slayers, Crime-Fighters, Ladies of Leisure

PG, 1hr38m

After the telegrams stop coming from the Big City, and Aunt Marthe is taken away, Cassiopeia Twothorn and her erstwhile governess Miss Harpsichord are left to fend for themselves. But who (or what) is living with them in Twothorn Hall? And who has taken Aunt Marthe? Most importantly, alone at night in the jam-filled library they now share, will Cassiopeia pluck up the courage to share her feelings- and how will Miss Harpsichord respond?

2. Gory Experimental Fairy Tales

Hangrete Dreams

18, 4hrs19m

Late at night, Hangrete dreams of the world outside zir madhouse walls, in this turn-of-the-century psychodrama, directed by David Lynch. Hangrete dreams of forests..of witches…of candy…and of burning. Hangrete dreams of burning. Hangrete burns. Shot entirely onto authentically charred real film, this stranger-danger witchfest will put you off gingerbread for life.

3. Mother-Daughter Westerns With A Strong Female Lead

The Doggone Sisterhood

15, 1hr45m

After one clash too many with authority–and an unfortunate incident with a bad boyfriend, a stolen model railway, and a fight in a mall pasta parlour–troubled teen Adora Belle (“Please. Call me Adie.”) finds herself forced to swap her dad, her home, and her suburban high school, for her mom’s hometown: Doggone Nowhere, Texas. In Doggone Nowhere, where her mother, Glory Bee, runs the saloon; her stepmother, Golly Wodgers, wears her Stetson in the house; and the town tart, Gracious Goodness, doubles as the sheriff, Adie’s pretty surprised to discover that life’s not so bad after all. And when handsome, tall, rich Mister G. Willikers comes to town, things seem to be getting better and better. Could this be the new life her dad had promised?

But Mister G. Wilikers has more on his mind than angsty adolescents: Mister G. Willikers wants to turn Doggone Nowhere, Texas, into Somethin’ Special- complete with monorail, shopping malls and definitely no more saloon. Will Adie come to her senses? Will Adie, Glory, Golly, Gracious and the rest of the Doggone Sisterhood save the town?

Patriarchal advisory: contains strong misandrist content which may be unsuitable for some viewers.

4. Heartfelt Sci-Fi Movies Based on the Bible About Couples

Solomon’s Song

18 2hrs2m

“Stir not up my love- ‘til he please…”

Scientist Harriet Higgins is a genius. In her lonely laboratory, set far up in the Palestinian hills, she has worked for years building the world’s most beautiful robot. His name is Solomon. He walks; he works; he talks–yet Harriet is still not satisfied. She wants him to think for himself. But this is a desire with disastrous consequences. For Harriet has fallen in love with her creation–and what’s more, he seems to have fallen in love with her–and this goes against every rule, of state and science. With spring coming, though, sitting under the fig tree, listening to the voice of the cyberturtle, Harriet starts to think they might just get through this.

But when their forbidden love is discovered by the government, Harriet and Solomon will go to desperate lengths to get each other back. In the secret places of the stairs, the star-crossed pair cook up a harrowing–and heart-wrenching–plan to be together…that might just repair the war-torn Middle East. This film will break your heart.

5. First Love Treasure Hunt Musicals Based on Bestsellers Set in Prehistoric Times For Ages 8-12

Leila and Laurie’s Lovin’ Feeling

PG, 2hrs12m

MARLA: You don’t know love until you find it-

CHERISE: You don’t know love until you hide it-

BOTH: Frankly, kid- you don’t know nothin’ at all.

CHORUS:

She don’t know-
She don’t know-
She don’t know-
She don’t know nothin’ at all.

MARLA (spoken): Kid? You don’t know nothin’ about love. Nothin’. You hear me?

EXIT CHERISE AND CHORUS

MARLA (softly, firmly, spoken): Nothin’. You egglets these days-

LEILA: I’m no egglet, Marla! Why, I’m thirteen years old. That’s no egglet.

MARLA: You’ll always be an egglet to me, kid. You and that oviraptor kid both. Two egglets that don’t know nothin’ about love.

LEILA: But, Marla-

MARLA: Nothin’. You be careful, now. The world ain’t always kind to girls who look like you.

LEILA: Like me?

MARLA shrugs.

EXIT MARLA.

This classic tale of two young dinos exploring their first romance is one that every tween will love and identify with, and one that every parent will be thankful for. Leila the T-Rex and Laurie the Oviraptor will take your child on a magical treasure-hunt adventure through the basics of being a decent adult, from minding their p’s and q’s to (age-appropriate!!) birds and bees. Bonus: this cute animation will also teach your child not to be an asshole to people who aren’t just like them. Double bonus: you’ll be singing the songs for weeks!

6. Spy Space-Travel Animation Based On Children’s Books In The Edwardian Era

The Space Elevator Children

U, 1hr20m

Based on E. Nesbit’s timeless tale of three children, their writer mother, and missing father, Spielberg’s revamped The Space Elevator Children is a film for the whole family to enjoy. When their father is stolen from them by The Overlords, Bo-Bi, Filiz, Petr and their mother (a story-writer for Earth magazine The Space Lady) are forced to move to the new colony on Mars. Their new home seems pretty dreary to the three children- until they discover how close it is to the space elevator station. Bo-Bi, Filiz and Petr set out to find their father- having plenty of larks along the way. They’ll melt your heart- and, if they keep tinkering with the controls, probably the space elevator too. What fun!

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7. Magical Documentaries About Horses

Tiny Horses

U 12hrs01m

Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses, doing magic. On film. David Attenborough narrates.


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39 Comments

    1. logicbutton +6

      I’d crawl over hot coals for that first one. Add in some lawyers and time travel, and it’s everything I could ever want.

      2. missellabell +20

        I have literally started writing it. I wrote a first scene on my Twitter the day I wrote this, and now I really am. Honest and true. (I also wrote 3000 words of the dinosaur sex-ed one, by accident.)

  2. GreenGrasses +16

    If Tiny Horses were real, it would be the only thing I’d watch for the rest of my days.

    1. missellabell +4

      I am very, very tempted to write all of them. I already started #1 and #5, and #3 can be next. Yup.

  4. rkfire +5

    My husband talked me into watching Old Boy last Friday night and I could only unwind afterwards by watching Animal Odd Couples–I had already watched all of the episodes of Too Cute.)

    A 12 hour movie about Tiny Horses would’ve been perfect.

  5. SleepyFrances +9

    I would like Netflix to aggregate historical feminist crime dramas. What should I watch, now that Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries is done? It’s so good, but I can’t find the second season anywhere! What I want is a Sarah Waters to write a historical TV show with a murder mystery – someone please tell me it exists!

    2. Household_Opera +13

      Have you watched The Bletchley Circle yet? I’ve just discovered it. Between the codebreaking and the detection and the female ensemble cast and the 1950s knitwear, I find it completely irresistible.

      Also, I nominate The Bletchley Circle for a future Femslash Friday installment. Except I can’t decide on a pairing.

    3. erindubitably +5

      It’s not historical, but Scott & Bailey is an awesome British feminist crime drama. And Bomb Girls isn’t crime, but it’s an awesome historical feminist drama. And it’s not historical OR crime but Orphan Black is awesome and uber-feminist (seriously, try to find two guys who talk to each other AT ALL).

      1. SleepyFrances +3

        I watched all of Bomb Girls in an embarrassingly short amount of time and was loving it. Sadly, the ending…what the heck? So annoying! Or maybe just the last episode that’s on Netflix – hopefully they’re going to fix that ending?

        But the other ideas – so excited! Thanks!

          1. Rosie +3

            I second the Bomb Girls rec. It is sooo good! Oh, and there should be a Femslash Friday about Betty/Kate.
            Autostraddle has some very funny recaps of Season 2 and a couple of news updates about the movie.

  7. mkpatter +5

    Hangrete’s Dreams is basically Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters without the experimentalness.

    2. two_ogres +6

      “without the experimentalness”…and with more totally random, unfocused, extraneous misogyny.

      hangrete’s dreams fully confirms my conviction that hansel and gretel: witch hunters COULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME instead of cringeworthily bad.

      1. mkpatter +7

        Well yeah, 90% of the time when something’s about witches it is horribly misogynist because like, that whole word is mixed up in a history and culture of misogyny.

        1. two_ogres +7

          ok, i know that, obvi (i mean i guess not obvi, but yes), but there was no need for it in this movie. the plot was that the witches practiced black magic/human sacrifice and it corrupted them physically as well as mentally/spiritually: there was literally no reason that they had to make it be about lady witches APART from the history of “witches,” which they didn’t take on in any interesting way – they ACKNOWLEDGED that it was a problematic history and then just duplicated it. it was bizarre. like, how do you start a movie with a pretty lady being falsely accused of witchcraft, and be like “we know this lady isn’t a witch, just a woman demonized for being a woman…and we know that BECAUSE THERE ARE WOMEN WHO ARE WITCHES AND YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THEY’RE GROSS LOOKING”? what a weird fucking move. (also they had to make half the plot be about hansel wanting to screw everything that moved. and gretel’s badassery had to be severely compromised by her sexiness [seriously, she was the most inept “witch hunter” ever].)

          tl;dr: the fact that the history of “witches” is a misogynist is in no way a reason that a movie made now should cheerfully acknowledge that fact and then go on to make an entire movie that blissfully plays into that misogyny. honestly one of the weirder movies i’ve seen in my life.

          2. two_ogres +1

            there’s so much in this trailer that it’s hard to tell what’s going on, so i’m going to reserve judgement. plus it has a better cast – maybe that will mean it is reasonably written with a somewhat coherent storyline? i kind of like the idea of julianne moore as an evil demon dragon lady bent on destroying humanity….

          3. pearlrose

            Oh gosh, I read the first book in that series! (I was no longer a kid at the time; I worked in a bookstore.) I didn’t find it very good and was surprised how successful the series became.

  8. Household_Opera +5

    Please, someone, make #1 a reality. WHO DO I HAVE TO BRIBE IN HOLLYWOOD?

    I would also watch the hell out of Tiny Horses, because tiny horses (and David Attenborough).

  11. PonyAlong +10

    Tiny horses for the win, especially if they are running around on a tiny horse rescue ranch in the heart of Doggone Nowhere, Texas. Ooh, here’s the pitch: Adie and Glory, Golly and Gracious
    have saved the town from Wiliker’s evil clutches by turning “Minnie Whinny Care Home & Education Adoption Centre” into a tourist attraction. But Adie is torn; her uber-rich boyfriend (who she met at a Minnie Whinny fundraiser) Blaine wants her to give up her tiny horses for life in the big city. Her best friend and volunteer tiny horse wrangler Rick wants her to stay (because he is secretly in love with her) but how can he convince her, being totally poor and all (but crazy hot-like, early Gregory Peck hot-seriously, check that dude OUT).

  13. donkeywork +5

    I just got “Witty Romantic African American Slashers.” Totally making popcorn even before I try to script it. And yes, Tiny Horses. Little Altars to Tiny Horses Everywhere.

  15. R_H

    I second the Bomb Girls rec. It is sooo good! Oh, and there should be a Femslash Friday about Betty/Kate.
    Autostraddle has some very funny recaps of Season 2 and a couple of news updates about the movie.

  16. hawthorn_tree +4

    “Chilling Small Town Spy Westerns From the 1950s About Food,” Atlantic? Chased with “Serial Killer Talking-Animal Emotional Slashers”? I’m in.

  17. blueblazes11 +5

    “Spiritual Cult Dramas Based on Real Life Set in Africa About Horses With a Strong Female Lead”

    A+++ Would Watch.

  18. depizan +7

    I think this was my favorite: “Zombie Jewish Movies Based on Bestsellers Set in Europe For Ages 0 to 4 Starring Nicolas Cage”