Seven films inspired by categories from the greatest gift of the internet: The Atlantic’s gonzo Netflix generator.
1. Lesbian Detective Opposites-Attract Post-Apocalyptic Mysteries Set In The Victorian Era
Harpsichord and Cass: Wolf-Slayers, Crime-Fighters, Ladies of Leisure
PG, 1hr38m
After the telegrams stop coming from the Big City, and Aunt Marthe is taken away, Cassiopeia Twothorn and her erstwhile governess Miss Harpsichord are left to fend for themselves. But who (or what) is living with them in Twothorn Hall? And who has taken Aunt Marthe? Most importantly, alone at night in the jam-filled library they now share, will Cassiopeia pluck up the courage to share her feelings- and how will Miss Harpsichord respond?
2. Gory Experimental Fairy Tales
Hangrete Dreams
18, 4hrs19m
Late at night, Hangrete dreams of the world outside zir madhouse walls, in this turn-of-the-century psychodrama, directed by David Lynch. Hangrete dreams of forests..of witches…of candy…and of burning. Hangrete dreams of burning. Hangrete burns. Shot entirely onto authentically charred real film, this stranger-danger witchfest will put you off gingerbread for life.
3. Mother-Daughter Westerns With A Strong Female Lead
The Doggone Sisterhood
15, 1hr45m
After one clash too many with authority–and an unfortunate incident with a bad boyfriend, a stolen model railway, and a fight in a mall pasta parlour–troubled teen Adora Belle (“Please. Call me Adie.”) finds herself forced to swap her dad, her home, and her suburban high school, for her mom’s hometown: Doggone Nowhere, Texas. In Doggone Nowhere, where her mother, Glory Bee, runs the saloon; her stepmother, Golly Wodgers, wears her Stetson in the house; and the town tart, Gracious Goodness, doubles as the sheriff, Adie’s pretty surprised to discover that life’s not so bad after all. And when handsome, tall, rich Mister G. Willikers comes to town, things seem to be getting better and better. Could this be the new life her dad had promised?
But Mister G. Wilikers has more on his mind than angsty adolescents: Mister G. Willikers wants to turn Doggone Nowhere, Texas, into Somethin’ Special- complete with monorail, shopping malls and definitely no more saloon. Will Adie come to her senses? Will Adie, Glory, Golly, Gracious and the rest of the Doggone Sisterhood save the town?
Patriarchal advisory: contains strong misandrist content which may be unsuitable for some viewers.
4. Heartfelt Sci-Fi Movies Based on the Bible About Couples
Solomon’s Song
18 2hrs2m
“Stir not up my love- ‘til he please…”
Scientist Harriet Higgins is a genius. In her lonely laboratory, set far up in the Palestinian hills, she has worked for years building the world’s most beautiful robot. His name is Solomon. He walks; he works; he talks–yet Harriet is still not satisfied. She wants him to think for himself. But this is a desire with disastrous consequences. For Harriet has fallen in love with her creation–and what’s more, he seems to have fallen in love with her–and this goes against every rule, of state and science. With spring coming, though, sitting under the fig tree, listening to the voice of the cyberturtle, Harriet starts to think they might just get through this.
But when their forbidden love is discovered by the government, Harriet and Solomon will go to desperate lengths to get each other back. In the secret places of the stairs, the star-crossed pair cook up a harrowing–and heart-wrenching–plan to be together…that might just repair the war-torn Middle East. This film will break your heart.
5. First Love Treasure Hunt Musicals Based on Bestsellers Set in Prehistoric Times For Ages 8-12
Leila and Laurie’s Lovin’ Feeling
PG, 2hrs12m
MARLA: You don’t know love until you find it-
CHERISE: You don’t know love until you hide it-
BOTH: Frankly, kid- you don’t know nothin’ at all.
CHORUS:
She don’t know-
She don’t know-
She don’t know-
She don’t know nothin’ at all.
MARLA (spoken): Kid? You don’t know nothin’ about love. Nothin’. You hear me?
EXIT CHERISE AND CHORUS
MARLA (softly, firmly, spoken): Nothin’. You egglets these days-
LEILA: I’m no egglet, Marla! Why, I’m thirteen years old. That’s no egglet.
MARLA: You’ll always be an egglet to me, kid. You and that oviraptor kid both. Two egglets that don’t know nothin’ about love.
LEILA: But, Marla-
MARLA: Nothin’. You be careful, now. The world ain’t always kind to girls who look like you.
LEILA: Like me?
MARLA shrugs.
EXIT MARLA.
This classic tale of two young dinos exploring their first romance is one that every tween will love and identify with, and one that every parent will be thankful for. Leila the T-Rex and Laurie the Oviraptor will take your child on a magical treasure-hunt adventure through the basics of being a decent adult, from minding their p’s and q’s to (age-appropriate!!) birds and bees. Bonus: this cute animation will also teach your child not to be an asshole to people who aren’t just like them. Double bonus: you’ll be singing the songs for weeks!
6. Spy Space-Travel Animation Based On Children’s Books In The Edwardian Era
The Space Elevator Children
U, 1hr20m
Based on E. Nesbit’s timeless tale of three children, their writer mother, and missing father, Spielberg’s revamped The Space Elevator Children is a film for the whole family to enjoy. When their father is stolen from them by The Overlords, Bo-Bi, Filiz, Petr and their mother (a story-writer for Earth magazine The Space Lady) are forced to move to the new colony on Mars. Their new home seems pretty dreary to the three children- until they discover how close it is to the space elevator station. Bo-Bi, Filiz and Petr set out to find their father- having plenty of larks along the way. They’ll melt your heart- and, if they keep tinkering with the controls, probably the space elevator too. What fun!
7. Magical Documentaries About Horses
Tiny Horses
U 12hrs01m
Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses, doing magic. On film. David Attenborough narrates.
