Last time in fandom cinematic impressions: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.
1. Let me fix you, Thorin Oakenshield. (cue the Coldplay montage)
2. Why are Thorin and Kili (and, arguably, Fili) totally legit, human-looking, attractive men, and everyone else looks like they are actually a different species?
3. Like, if you saw Thorin or Kili at a bar, you’d say “well, they’re short, but at night all cats are grey,” or some other Victorian euphemism for “10/10 would bang,” but if you saw, say, Balin, you would probably call the army.
4. Balin was my favourite when I was little, but I find it hard to enjoy my time with him because I know he’s going to die in Moria. Not that he didn’t have a great run!
5. This movie was so long.
6. Seriously, it may be the longest movie ever made.
7. I mean, the last movie was so incredibly long, and we all whined about it, so I guess I thought this might be different.
8. On account of, right, the book was just nowhere near this long, and yet they still skipped basically all of Mirkwood and glimpsing the Elf feast and so forth.
9. I had a good time.
10. Thranduil is such a colossal dick.
11. Tauriel. To recycle my Twitter commentary, if Peter Jackson wanted to appeal to women, he should have re-released Heavenly Creatures in IMAX 3D HFR and left The Hobbit intact.
12. Evangeline Lilly is Canadian, and nothing a Canadian woman does should be criticized. It’s not her fault.
13. But if you put in a made-up female Elf, maybe don’t have her sideline her ass-kicking career to literally tend the wounds of some dude with a beard because her emotions get the better of her.
14. Only Thorin is worth sidelining your ass-kicking career over. Kili doesn’t even have a sword with a NAME.
15. Where did Legolas get that horse from?
17. There has never, in all the world, not even in Homeland, been a dumber plan to defeat a dragon than showering him with molten gold.
18. Speaking of which, let’s clarify something: a) Can you outrun a wall of explosive flame? and b) Does dragon-fire “melt your flesh from your bones in a heartbeat” or can you stop, drop, and roll it off, like Thorin did?
19. Benedict Cumberbatch.
20. The Arkenstone looks like something heavily pixellated you would have picked up in an early video game to put in your sack of jewels.
21. It was like a very, very long Tolkien-themed episode of Wishbone.
22. They will not remake it for another 25-50 years, so get used to it.
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.