In a room lit only by the dim blue glow of his laptop screen, a man who regularly turns down rides to post-work happy hours and invitations to see old friends in order to get into his pajamas as quickly as possible and watch TV shows he’s already seen alone in bed was suddenly overcome by the horrifying certainty that he is not truly known or understood by another single living human being.
This man — who makes a habit of giving the shortest, least informative possible answers to questions like “How are you doing?” and “What did you do this weekend?” — found himself mentally racing through a list of everyone he has ever met, wondering why it is that they seem perfectly content to let him slip from the surface of their lives, even though he has never given them any reason to trust in or rely on him in any meaningful way. The habits of yesterday (going home early from almost every event, making it clear in conversation that he would not welcome either vulnerability or honesty, concocting flimsy excuses to get out of doing even the smallest of favors) were now etched in stone; his life looked almost exactly like the life of a robot to an outside observer.
Why do I feel so goddamn alone, he asked himself, dimly aware that in any given moment he chooses creature comforts and mindless solitude over genuine human connection and even the slightest hint of social effort, the cumulative effects of which have turned him into a lonely man in a bleak room without even the muscle memory of friendship to sustain him. Why doesn’t anyone call me, he thinks, despite the fact that the only numbers that he has called in the last three weeks are his mother (he didn’t leave a message), his office (he thought he was going to be late for a meeting but then wasn’t), and a hospital billing service. His anguish, while genuine, led to exactly zero effective self-criticism; he failed to understand that a human being who chooses isolation at every turn will eventually become a person who is alone.
He could not come up with a satisfactory explanation for his loneliness, because one of the most horrifying hallmarks of social inadequacy is the inability to recognize itself for what it really is. He clicked “Watch the next episode” and waited for the vague sense of injustice to subside, which it eventually did.
Tags: choices, isolation, loneliness, netflix, the human condition
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Sounds like my life. 🙁
Happy Monday everyone!
(Wait up, just removing shards of truth from my heart. BRB)
This is why I’m never giving up flat-sharing
This hit a little too close to home. If I don’t have to go anywhere on weekday evenings, I immediately change into lounge wear (bought in the active wear section). The last two numbers I called were my mom’s and my Internet service provider.
There must be a balance somewhere between Netflix Forever and the exhausting and expensive social/dating scene. I am still trying to find it.
invite people round to have cake and watch netflix
Quiet house parties or small coffee shop meetups. That or inviting people over to watch Netflix with you. That’s my tactic, as I am very extroverted, very broke, and shy (around strangers).
My friends come over to my house most weekends and I make snacks and we have too much booze and it’s pretty solid.
You got it, sister.
I have built a whole entertaining strategy around inviting people over to watch movies, and I guess it’s no accident that I ended up marrying the coolest clerk/film critic from my super-cool local video store (because I am lucky enough to live where such a thing still existed), so well over half our parties involve movies or TV.
It’s a great way to socialize if you’re shy or awkward because there’s a common topic for discussion right there on the screen, but the movie also provides a legit form of conversational escape when you just want to stop looking humans in their human faces and focus on the screen.
Co-signing other suggestions, and just wanted to add: just do at most, 2-3 social things a week.
God, that makes me sound overly social. Most of the time I’m shooting for just one. ^^;
Co-signing the “have friends over and feed them” idea–just did this last weekend and we all played Dance Central until we had to lie down–but as far as dating goes, I’m in favor of a long epistolary courtship. Even for people I’ve met offline! For those uncertain days when you don’t want to invite a date into your house but you don’t want to keep renting barspace to get to know them, chatty Emails can be pretty great.
Find a misanthropic partner. It’s the best of both worlds.
oh god this is too real
Welp, time to go back to bed. Beep boop.
This is unrealistic – there is no reason to ever have to click “Watch the next episode”, as it should already be auto-playing.
sometimes netflix asks me, in a judgemental fashion ‘are you still watching x’ and I have to click ‘yes’.
That message pops up ten minutes into the third episode in a row. Every time, I revert to my teenage self: “OH MY GOD Netflix, why are you always hassling me?”
“God, netflix, yes I DO want to watch another episode of Lost Girl. DON’T JUDGE ME, YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER.”
Mine doesn’t even ask me any more. It knows I’m a hopeless cause.
You didn’t have to make me cry.
Calling people is scary and they never expect it so they don’t pick up!
Ridiculously unrealistic. “Watch the next episode” is automatic now.
This was just what I needed to greet me on a Monday morning following a weekend binge of dire Australian teen drama Dance Academy.
Definitely watched all four Step Ups rather than attempt to call anyone on recent business trip.
Mallory, I did not give you permission to fictionalise my experiences thus
HA! This is why I had to make a rule for myself: call two humans per week on the telephone and go to a social event once a week. (Social event is very loosely defined and may include “visit neighbor and hold her baby for 1.5 hours.”) Coincidentally, when I was courting, I once expressed an emotion to my future gentleman as “boop boop beep.”
that is ALL MY EMOTIONS
How cruel would it be to forward this to a few of my friends who like to bail on existing plans on the grounds that “I’m already wearing sweatpants, lol!” (not cruel enough)
They should just come out in their sweatpants!!! This sort of thing bothers me so much because while I totally understand being cozy in your pajamas and not wanting to leave for a last minute thing, if you already have plans it’s so rude to cancel and leave your friend sitting alone at the event just because you didn’t want to put on real pants. It’s even worse when you went way out of the way to get somewhere before getting the sweatpants text.
This has happened to me way to many times in the past few months and I may have feelings about it.
Right? Also, if you reeaaally don’t want to go out then at least feign illness or something. When I get a text about how you just sort of decided to stay in instead it sounds like you’re saying “hanging out with you is less interesting than lying in bed looking at facebook, and honestly our relationship is not worth the effort of putting on pants”
This is why I never wear pants.
Ouch! I bailed on a birthday party on Saturday because I’d completely forgotten about it until an hour before and didn’t want to go across town on public transit because I was exhausted. I basically just went with “I’m sorry, I’m not going to make it. I’m exhausted.” It worked out okay, but I hate being that person 🙁
I think “I’m exhausted” is way way better than just “I’m in pajamas already” which implies that I’m not worth the effort of putting on pants (or going outside in your pajamas) which can be a little hurtful when I go out of my way to get dressed and hang out with someone. I also have netflix at home but if I push myself to be social and the other person bails at the last moment it stings a bit (especially if it was going to be just us two and now I’m sitting at the bar alone an hour away from my home and 3 blocks away from their apartment. As I said…I may have some feelings about this).
Oh yes absolutely you should have a lot of feelings about that, it’s a terrible thing for someone to do. If you’re making plans with like, just one other person, especially plans that it would inconvenience them dramatically to cancel, apathy is not a good reason to cancel! It is the rudest and your friends have been rude to you and I would like to make disapproving faces at them. And if you absolutely must cancel, it’s probably best to call even though phones are awful and I hate them.
I just tried to high five my computer screen. Bailing on plans is the worst. Unless I’m doing it, which is usually for a legitimate reason. It’s ‘s a beautiful morning in my glass house.)
Hahahahahahahahaha
hahahaha
hahaha
haha
ha
ha.
…
Pardon, if anybody is looking for me I’ll be in bed weeping quietly and watching reruns of Parks and Rec.
Parks and Rec is SO GOOD. No apologies!
January was full of this because of the awful weather, of course, but also as a recovery effort from the emotional battlefield that was the holidays. I managed to get out a lot this weekend and it felt nice. I find that getting dressed and making my way to the venue is always the hardest part, but once I’m there I have a great time. Why is it so easy to psyche myself out?
Introverts UNITE!
It is SO easy to psyche myself out. Especially when I have equally enabling friends, who are like “Yeah, I’m tired too. Let’s do it next week instead.”
Nah, I’m a giant extrovert that does the same thing. I hate the getting on all the clothes/finding the wallets step, and I spend all of it dreading the walking/subway riding step, doubled by also imagining the reverse trip at the same time. There’s a reason I’m infinitely more cheerful about any social plan that is taking place within a mile of my apartment.
I am so deeply relieved that this is not me that it’s almost shameful.
We both have Miss Piggy avatars! We’re allowed to stay home as much as we want, because Miss Piggy lovers are categorically infallible.
But what if social events give you that same sense of loneliness and despair but TV shows make you feel understood?
Oh. Um. I bailed on work drinks Friday to go home, make bean dip, and watch The Hour. I already felt guilty about it then, now I feel worse. 🙁
I know one incident does not make me this dude. And it’s true I’m trying to stop going to EVERYTHING and get over my stupid FOMO, teach myself it’s okay to relax in solitude once in a while. But I’m also afraid I’m getting addicted to sweatpants and Netflix… Balance, it evades me.
Fortunately for you, The Hour is the best TV there will ever ever be and there are only two seasons of it, so you will be driven by harsh necessity out into the world to seek support. (As Willow once said, “Sorry. My stuff.”) But seriously that shooooow.
Mallory Ortberg, you are like some kind of sociological surgeon, slicing through the fatty gelatinous layer of self-justifying bullshit, the slimy membrane of self-denial, and exposing our bloody, beating hearts to the cold air of reality.
I had to make a set of rules about this for myself: If I am already in sweatpants, I’m allowed to say no. IE, if you text me at 9:30 pm and ask if I want to go get a drink, I will laugh at you. But I’m not allowed to bail on shit that I already agreed to go to just because I want to go home and put on sweatpants (unless I am ill or something, in which case, give me the nyquil and get out of my way.)
It helps if you have friends who are okay with watching netflix while hanging around in sweatpants. That totally counts as social interaction.
Yes! My rules are pretty much the same. Also 9:30 is basically my bed time, so no.
Mallory, can you please stop spying on my life. Thanks.
I am clinging to the memory of this weekend’s tabletop RPG session to ward off the creeping sense of guilt this piece has given me. See? I’m not a social failure!
Sadly, his chronic depression went undiagnosed for another two years before an alert doctor put him on Wellbutrin and he was able to regain control of his life.
Ouch.
This is me except I don’t feel bad about it. I would so much rather yell at my TV in comfortable solitude than cramp my smile muscles in an effort to present a normal, affable face while straining to hear whoever it is if we’re out, or fighting tooth and nail to keep up a conversation if we’re just hanging out. Hermits unite [separately]!
You got it, sister.
I don’t even have the internet at home, and yet…this is my life.
Darn.
Co-signing the "have friends over and feed them" idea–just did this last weekend and we all played Dance Central until we had to lie down–but as far as dating goes, I'm in favor of a long epistolary courtship. Even for people I've met offline! For those uncertain days when you don't want to invite a date into your house but you don't want to keep renting barspace to get to know them, chatty Emails can be pretty great.
I platonically love you.
Yes! My rules are pretty much the same. Also 9:30 is basically my bed time, so no.