Because I cannot resist a sword-and-sandals movie, I saw The Legends of Hercules in 3D this week. (“This guy reminds me so much of Kellan Lutz,” I said repeatedly of the actor who played Hercules, right up through the credits when I learned that it was Kellan Lutz). In fact, the further back in time a movie is set, the likelier I am to see it; this is why I am the only human alive to have seen both One Million Years B.C. and 10,000 B.C.
As I watched this movie (truly excellent; his sword turns into a lightning-whip-sword at one point and you should go see it. You should also see The Eagle, if you haven’t already. Channing Tatum plays a Roman centurion and the kid from Billy Elliot plays his best friend, and if you would ask more from a movie I don’t know what will make you happy), I came to realize that gladiator movies rely more heavily on certain recurring characters than almost any other genre. I’m not sure why that is, exactly. There’s nothing about ‘the gladiator experience’ that necessitates the use of such specific tropes, but nevertheless, there they are, wearing booty shorts and little leather skirts and flinging metal discuses at one another. Here are three of my favorites:
The Character: The Gladiator Trader
Defining Traits: Never younger than sixty (and a hard sixty at that). Most commonly sports a ring of white hair around a bald pate, with a pointed grey beard. Has the look of a once-strong man gone more than slightly to seed; sounds like he is currently smoking a cigar, even though cigars have not yet been invented. He is never, ever taller than the Gladiator Protagonist, because no one is allowed to be taller or manlier than the Gladiator Protagonist. He is the most blasé man in the world. For someone with a relatively interesting and high-profile job — he purchases human men from every corner of the globe and trains them to fight at the highest professional level — he is just so over everything. You cannot impress him. “Time to buy some more men for my enormous blood cash-fights. Yawn.” Being completely undefeatable might elicit a raised eyebrow and a half-smile, but that’s about it.
The Rancor Keeper from Return of the Jedi cares more about his fighting stock than this guy. The only thing he cares about is making money, and he’s more than willing to listen to the half-baked suggestions of his newest recruit as long as they’re couched in financial consideration. “It’d make me more money if I took you to Rome, eh? Sold.” Once the Gladiator Protagonist has made him a lot of money, he takes a vaguely cheerful interest in his fortunes. “So you want to bring down the Emperor/retake your lands/murder the bastards who captured you, eh? Best of luck, lad. Win your next fight and I’ll even supply you with the ships and men you need.” He’s always happy to help, as long as they win the next fight, and it doesn’t require much actual effort. Almost as likely to cheerfully betray the hero, if it makes more sense to him. Is “Cheerful Neutral” a moral category? It should be; it perfectly describes him.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: “I paid good money for you.” “You’re worth more to me if you’re alive” (generally used to explain why he is feeding/protecting/tending to the gladiator’s health in any way). “Why should I listen to you?”
Seen In: The Legend of Hercules, Spartacus, Gladiator, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Ben-Hur
The Character: The Incest Guy
Defining Traits: Just as a certain kind of effeminacy was used in earlier films to telegraph wealth/decadence/moral corruption (Baron Harkonnen from Dune comes to mind), incestuous desires — whether actual or subtextual — are now the quickest way to let your audience know that this is a Bad Dude. Incest has, for whatever reason, become the new homosexuality for rich movie villains. I do not know why that is. I mean, I understand why incest is bad, obviously, but I am not sure why in the last twenty years filmmakers and authors all threw their hands up simultaneously and said “I dunno, make him be in love with his sister” when it came time to design bad guys. Usually combined with a heavy dose of Madness Eyes (wide-open, super-blue, full of seething horrors). Freaks out if said sister (or mother, but it’s usually sister) falls in love with the Gladiator Protagonist or otherwise hints at having slept outside of the family tree.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: “I must have you,” “I will have you,” something about having someone. “Together we can”…something something. Rule together, rule the world, reforge a dynasty.
Seen In: Game of Thrones, Gladiator, Hercules, the 2011 remake of Conan the Barbarian which is arguably not a gladiator movie but I think merits inclusion anyhow, Django Unchained which is also arguably not a gladiator movie but does feature actual gladiatorial fighting, I, Claudius, Caligula
The Character: The Helpful Veteran
Defining Traits: The Helpful Veteran is a grizzled champion who, until the arrival of the Gladiator Protagonist, was the Gladiator Trader’s most prized fighter. He bears the Gladiator Protagonist no ill will for displacing or best him, though — that belongs to the Gladiator Challenger, who hates the Gladiator Protagonist and will almost certainly be killed at some point during the training sequence as a Mini-Boss before the Gladiator Protagonist is ready to slay All Of His Enemies. He is either Scottish/Celtic or North African, presumably because that’s as far as the Roman Empire stretched in either direction. His odds of surviving the film are 50/50.
Most Commonly-Heard Lines: I don’t know, something about the family he left behind.
Seen In: Gladiator, Spartacus, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Centurion (again, not strictly a gladiator movie, but still a Roman-Empire-sword-and-sandals type of thing, with many of the same tropes in play), The Eagle.
Tags: gladiator movies, tropes
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This Hercules movie sounds promising. Especially the bit about the lightening-whip-sword.
<3 the use of “mini-boss”
and “Time to buy some more men for my enormous blood cash-fights. Yawn.” which I kind of want stitched on a pillow.
Being gay: too pedestrian for rich villains.
I just kind of assume all TV and film characters are gay until proven otherwise
THE EAGLE. THE EAGLE. THE EAGLE. I found this playing late one night at my parents and it was such succulent joy I turned it off until I could rent it on my own and appreciate its glory in private. Manpain and young bros in unusually close relationships and nobility and dirt and subtext that’s so obvious it’s probably not even “sub” any more. Fuck and yes. I am going to GLORY in this.
If you haven’t already read it, the source material The Eagle of the Ninth is a JOY. Imagine everything in the movie plus Marcus pretending to be an oculist, a more nuanced depiction of the Seal People, and a PUPPY. THEY HAVE A PUPPY.
Rosemary Sutcliff 4 ever
I read it when I was much younger and I remember loving it! But yeah I think I might have to buy it now so I can read it over and over.
Any other nominees for good Sutcliffe works?
There’s actually two more books after Eagle of the Ninth – #2 is The Silver Branch and #3 is The Lantern Bearers, which is heartbreaking. Sword at Sunset, her Arthurian novel, sort of dovetails from The Lantern Bearers and I liked it a lot! It drags in places, she describes about a million cavalry charges, and it’s certainly not an uplifting book, but as Arthuriana goes it’s pretty great. More my taste than, say, Mists of Avalon (sorry Nicole!!).
Mark of the Horse Lord was alright iirc, haven’t read Frontier Wolf or Dawn Wind yet.
Blood Feud is great and completely queer. I mean those Vikings companions are just OBSESSED with (killing) each other.
Agreed. My mother used to send me out into the forest with Rosemary Sutcliff and instructions to entertain myself for whole days.
A WOLF PUPPY. I actually don’t want to watch the movie because the book hits so many of my buttons so hard (ahem) and there is no way that the movie will be as good.
The book is so much better. I couldn’t believe that they cut out EVERY SINGLE WOMAN WITH A SPEAKING ROLE in the movie. I really missed Cottia.
But I still love the movie. It’s the only dose of Channing Tatum that I can tolerate (though I do love Jamie Bell).
Rosemary Sutcliff was my entire childhood. The Eagle series, Mark of the Horse Lord, and Song for a Dark Queen are worn to shreds through re-reading. Also, Megan Whalen Turner of the (beautiful, amazing) Thief series also loved Rosemary Sutcliff and puts little references in her own books, like the dolphin ring.
I WAS JUST COMING DOWN TO THE COMMENTS TO MENTION HOW ‘THE EAGLE’ IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
This is the one with Channing Potato with a British accent, right?
HE PLAYS THE ROLE WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT
All of the Romans have American accents, and all the Britons have British accents, which is another reason I appreciate the movie.
I love The Eagle so very much! Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell’s characters are 100% in homosexual love with each other. I don’t even remember if there was a lady love interest for either of them, that’s how gay this movie is. And the manpain is delicious. Channing Tatum’s jaw and full lips and angsty blue eyes. Jamie Bell’s even more impressive jaw and furrowed brow. Gah. Truly it is a thing of wonder.
I am pretty sure that there are no women at all in that movie.
I just looked at the full cast list on IMDB and you are right – there is literally not a single female person in The Eagle. Whatever the opposite of the Bechdel Test is (I’m gonna say it’s patriarchy), this passes with flying colors.
::sigh:: I know you’re both right, but I think I’m going to pull this card and watch it anyway. Now get sweaty for me, boys! http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-takes-shor…
Oh, I’m watching it again tonight. No way am I going to deprive myself of the sight of those two rolling around on the ground “fighting” in that one scene because of feminism. One must have one’s simple pleasures in life.
THERE IS NOTHING ANTI-FEMINIST ABOUT THIS. NOTHING. We are shamelessly objectifying the sweaty men in sublimated man-love. That’s totally feminist, right?
Sadly you’re right, but its beautiful slashyness more than makes up for it in my eyes! I’m surprised the fic fandom isn’t way bigger, actually!
it’s just super soft core!
My problem with the fic is that my favorite things about the dynamic all go to hell if people write modern AUs. I don’t want to read about two dudes who happen to be named Marcus and Esca unless there’s messed up power dynamics and life saving!!
there’s legitimately a scene where Jamie Bell is SITTING ON CHANNING TATUM’S CHEST, holding him with a leather strap (he’s getting surgery I think? for like a spear) and some doctor yells “HOLD HIM DOWN HARDER, SLAVE,” which is pretty neat.
And they stare into each other’s eyes so angrily as their faces get closer and closer, while Jamie Bell’s jaw clenching reaches a heretofore unseen level of clenchiness. Also the part where Channing is watching Jamie fighting shirtless in his gladiator match. Well, I know what I’ll be re-watching tonight.
VERY NEAT.
You guys when the Rancor Keeper (Wikipedia tells me his name is Malakili, imagine that) cries over the body of his beloved pet it is the saddest moment of the entire trilogy (all those people on Alderaan were probably just dicks anyways).
TRUTH, made sadder by the fact that (I just learned this!) the Rancor noises were made by a dachshund. The fiercest of doggies.
:’)
I’m just gonna say it: The ~10-minute gladiator scene in the first season of HBO’s “Rome” is better than any full-length gladiator-related movie or television series. http://youtu.be/xBCqAU4HB5o
Vorenus/Pullo 4LYFE
THIRTEEN!
One of the regular channels is showing Rome here and I’m reminded that Rome is awesome.
I’m going to wait for someone to show up defending incest in the comments, because this is the internet.
Sometimes you’re just stuck in an attic and not given any sex ed training (education might be a better word here, but I was stuck in the gladiator mode) because your mom is a bad line reader and your grandma is terrifying and all your mom wants is $$$$$, Mallory.
And someone’s got to keep the white walkers at bay. These north of the wall villas don’t pay for themselves, you know.
Have you *never* had a sister so beautiful that you just had to fuck her, just because you can? They live in the same house as you, how are you supposed to stay away from the vile temptress?
Also, what a way to Keep The Bloodline Pure, right?
Keepin’ It In the Family
*wink wink nudge nudge*
Yeah what, letting people who are not family inherit your shit is just gross.
Challenge accepted. Homosexuality used to be decadent but now it’s normal, at least in Hollywood with the Gay Marriage thing, so it’s gotta be incest, because polygamy is politically complicated (mormons) and beastiality is still too outré, and Her means it’s acceptable to sex up computers.
Wait but can we talk about the incest episode in the first season of “Call the Midwife”. I don’t think I’ve cried so hard at anything as much as at that episode.
I could only conclude that the workhouses were so bad that even nuns could only shrug and go, “you gotta do what you gotta do to survive, even if that means incest.”
No yeah, if ever there was a storyline that made an incestuous relationship seem perfectly fine, it was that one. (Although those nuns are generally extremely understanding…)
Oh and there’s also “But that’s how the Gods do it and obviously as demi-gods we must emulate them as closely as possible, it’s what they would want!”
Pretty sure we have Caligula to thank for Incest Guy.
Among other things, I’m sure.
Isn’t the love-interest of the usual protagonist also held captive or loved by the main villain? And she has to maintain her steely resolve until her protagonist can save her and the day
yeah, but that goes WAY beyond gladiator movies into just, like, Movies
oh yah.
Unrelated but it would be great to have a gladiator film/musical.
A Gladiator Musical is the Best IDEA ever
The character dynamics in Game of Thrones are so complicated that I’m not sure if you really want to even mention them in the context of gladiator movies and Incest Guy, unless you want to bring up Incest Family and Incest Guy becomes Kind of Redeemed Incest Guy Who [this part has been omitted for spoilers].
I think GRR Martin just has a thing for incest… tbh
You might be onto something there.
Is Spartacus actually a real show? Because I’m not so sure it’s not just a high-budget, plot-heavy historical porno.
I’m with you. I tried watching it for the plot, but got lost in the torsos.
You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing?
It is the greatest thing! Although I mean, it’s not like I’ve seen a full episode, just…certain clips…
I might, um…Own all four seasons on Blu-Ray.
It’s real and there are so many penises. And full frontal Lucy Lawless nudity. It is glorious.
This is so perfect, and just makes me all the more excited for POMPEII 3D.
It’s generally strange that somehow being, oh, I dunno, greedy, or angry, or anything else besides sexually deviant isn’t enough to stand on it’s own. Kinda underlines how obsessed with sexual vice our society is here.
I mean, well of course he’s a murderous madman… but he only has sex with a woman to whom he’s not related, in the most banal of manners… and they’re monogamous; which makes him the protagonist.
The exception to this seems to be Darth Vader. Dude blew up planets, tortured his own daughter, and slaughtered a shitload of younglings with a laser sword. But he always went home to Padme and, judging by their lack of chemistry, had routine, perfunctory intercourse with her.
And, of course, in Star Wars “incest guy” was actually the wholesome hero.
there they are … flinging metal discuses at one another.
Oh Mallory, you write the best pedant-bait!
Seriously, though, I wonder if you could connect type characters in gladiator movies to the fact that gladiators themselves are notoriously “typed” (the dude with the net, the dude with the arm-armor on one arm and the helmet that looks like a sieve — I’m going to write “etc.” because those are the only two I can think of but there are more, right?)
the chick with the boob-holes on her breastplate
some guy with spikes on his actual head somehow
the guy who gets a horse and a trident
I have trod deep in forgotten paths, and I have seen sights that will never wholly leave my mind. Look away, sister. Look away.
I mean, no, of course not. What an idea. I misspoke entirely. Come with me, we will have a picnic in the sunlight where no knowledge shall creep close to steal our innocence.
(i'm sorry Mallory)
You've gotten to the heart of the matter: not the squick factor, but what we mean by consent and what gets in the way of consent. Consent isn't just saying yes, it's having mutual respect and trust supporting the yes, and it's being open and attentive and vocal about the expectations and boundaries of the yes. For the structural reasons you mentioned, and others besides, I think siblings would find it much more difficult to reach that kind of consent. And if that's not there, someone's going to get hurt sooner or later. But if they do have sincere consent, then I have nothing to say against them.
I'd also add: in the practice of good old 'vanilla' hetero sex there's so much misogyny and abuse and fucked up power differentials. For myself, I err on the side of nope. Still, I'm not a hard-line separatist: I trust my sisters to thread that minefield with their eyes open. I listen, I give advice and support when it's asked for, and I don't presume someone is doing love or life wrong unless they're hurting another. (Though that's often easier said than done.)
Right? How did they all stay so beautiful??
Oh, you have no idea…:
<img src="http://users.rcn.com/mindset/wank/twincest.jpg">
I would like to write a movie where Jaded Gladiator Trader guy is a 40-something Jaded Lady, and the about half the movie is about how these chiselled torsoey shirtless young men try to convince her to do things with regard to Best Gladiatorial Business Practices. Cigarettes, unfortunately, had not been invented yet, so she gets a hookah carried around by her favourite boy.
(Ideally, less than 5% of her dialogue should be innuendo, but by Hollywood Standards and Practices, it’s going to end up as around 98.994% innuendo. Oh well.)