Toasties. Happy 2014! It has officially begun.
So what do you want to talk about? Resolutions, Ronbledore, Sochi (which The Bartender has visited many times never realizing that winter could exist there), the Wellesley sculpture? Or the fact that nothing is better on a snow day than an apartment so warm that beer and a burrito seems like the way forward?
Clearly it was the way forward, since all that’s left for you lot in the picture is the salad (and half of beer number…something.) Burritos. Let’s talk about them.
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
A friend and I did a thing that we think all the lovely bi, pan and otherwise non-monsexual people here would like.
http://bisexual-pirate-ladies-ac.tumblr.com/
It’s the Bisexual Pirate Ladies Art Collective, and it is a place for bisexuals (who do not HAVE to be pirates or ladies/non-binary but trust me it’ll help) to talk about/do art about/write stories about stuff that matters to them. (pirates definitely welcome) A postive places that cheers on the work of the ignored and silenced.
Also, we’re pirates, so fuck your respectability politics and make them walk the plank. We plan for a future bi paradise in the bahamas, and we raid Biphobes ships and steal their goods.
Ack, I can’t follow!
Yeah, sorry, we’re fiddling with the theme. Awful timing. Try in a few hours, all should be fixed.
The bisexuwhale! Adobe adore adore. Will follow soonest.
It’s true that bisexuals are selfish and greedy.
That is our strategy.
We will survive at all costs.
We will outlast you.
We will see you buried.
And we will inherit the Earth.
from our bisexual pirate paradise in the Bahamas.
Never have I hit Reblog so fast.
Everything should be working now. We were having some problems with links, but they should be OK! Here’s where I encourage you lovely people along to our submit box. This is a community effort, and is what you guys make it.
Now followable!
My tumblr dashboard is so feminist and pornographic, I’m afraid to even look at it at work:)
OH MY GOODNESS AWESOME.
I can’t stop losing stuff. Can I blame this on astrology? What is happening with the planets?
If astrology doesn’t work, blame fairies or poltergeists. When I lose stuff, it is fairies. It is not my disorganised messy house: it is fairies.
HOW DO WE GET THE FAIRIES TO BE ON OUR SIDE?
Leave them a bowl of milk and honey and a little booze, according to myth
You gotta build a little shrine in the corner! With like, lavendar and a little animal figurine and a dried flower; or build a tiny house out of twigs and moss.
It’s always fairies.
If my grandmother were here she would tell you to light a candle to St Anthony.
Whenever I asked my mom to help me find something I’d lost growing up she would either say:
a) say a prayer to Saint Anthony (which I now find kind of interesting because even though she converted to Catholicism when she married my dad, she was raised protestant. Now that we’re all grown, she’s pretty much given up on pretending to be Catholic. Looking back, it’s really impressive how committed my mother was to all the details of raising Irish-American Catholic children, despite that not being her background).
b) it’s where you left it (which is a quote from a children’s book about a frog and regularly incorrect).
I plan to tell my hypothetical future children both of these things.
I’d switch it up and blame it on ancient astronomy. “Goddamn celestial spheres,” or “You say I’m in your orbit, i say it’s your orbituary,” etc.
Oh y’all, I met up with two other Toasties in the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area last night (if you live here and weren’t there, get at me!) and it was marvelous. We might go to a make-your-own pottery place and paint Male Tears mugs. Who can say?
I am not a frequent commenter but I am a frequent reader who lives in that area! I also approve of your correct spelling of the contraction “y’all”.
Yayyyy! I love reading this because I may have to move to Raleigh in the distant future and hearing that some Toasties are around there is really heartening.
I really really really love this area, actually, though not all do. And Ialdagorth, I’m @safvn on Twitter, if you have Twitter? I can DM you our Google doc!
I do! I’ll go follow you (the account will not say Ialdagorth – I don’t really use that twitter). Yay *insert kermit arms gif*
Well, count me jealous. And here I am drinking my male tears out of a plain mug like a schlub.
Enjoy, and share photos of Male Tears mugs when you create them, pls.
that’s so encouraging! I’ve lived in Raleigh for the past couple of summers and hung out with way too many dudes.
I’m painting my new rooms this weekend! I’ll try and see if I can remember to take pictures after I’m done. And then, THE MOVE. I hate moving so hard. I really just want to pay someone to do all that for me.
Also, I found somewhere I can get fake taxidermy head mounts. I’m so getting a T-Rex and a Unicorn. Because what else are you going to hang in a Steampunk library/office?
Uh, link please.
http://www.whitefauxtaxidermy.com/white-faux-taxi… was what I was looking at, but I’ll probably need to mod/paint a little to get what I want exactly.
OOOH. I also just saw THIS
THE T REX CLAWS
NEED these.
UNICORN!!!! Adding that to my birthday wishlist.
Depending on your city/ move distance/ quantity of things, paying other people to move your stuff might not cost much more than two fake taxidermied animals.
I regret not one dollar of the many I have paid other people to move my stuff.
Sadly, no. $400 minimum, and that’s just the hauling stuff part. I would also like to pay someone to do all the packing and cleaning too. I can fake paying someone to haul, though it’s going to be tight. The whole thing is way out of my price range.
Booo. We just in-town moved for sub-$400 and we have all the books. I think it’s probably a combination of off-season and cheaper part of the country (Texas). Moving is always insanely expensive, though (I have this habit of moving halfway across the country every three years or so, too, which isn’t helping). We are currently in the “this new place needs all these things that the old place didn’t” part of moving expenditures.
I actually like the packing and the cleaning part, though, so I’m weird. Cleaning a fridge is just so satisfying.
ugh. hate the packing and cleaning part, although I love the excuse to get rid of stuff, b/c my husband has inherited just a touch of his mother’s hoarding tendencies, and the structural logistics of moving help to dislodge a lot of nonsense that needs no longer live with us. But when does the early expenditures part of moving cease? Because we’ve been in our new place in July, and I just came back from Home Depot, looking at shelves that we *still* need to purchase and install in our bathroom?
I don’t know…we’ve done two moves in 4 months, and somehow now we “need” two book cases, a small shelf thing, a coat rack, and a light fixture my husband won’t brain himself on.
Historically, it took us two months to buy a couch, and me 2-3 months to buy a dining table, soo….this could take a while. Basically the apartment has it’s own spending allowance at this point.
I am in agreement with you about the getting rid of stuff- it took two moves, but I did finally persuade my husband that he didn’t need his physics notes/ textbooks from grad school (he now works in software, so- probably not going to need those in the future).
Is there a Craigslist where you are? Because I’ve hired really nice muscley men to help me move the boxes (that I packed myself) for ~$20/hr in the past from craigslist — it usually works out to $100 or so with tip.
Oh yeah. BUT! I’m using my powers of misandry, and pulling in my muscley brother in law and his brother for the low price of a 16 pack of bud light. I’ve got all that handled, it’s more the packing and cleaning that I REALLY want to pay someone to do.
sweet!
Mildly embarrassed to admit this, but I did once very successfully pay someone to help me pack books quite affordably via Taskrabbit.com. 2 hrs for $45? It was great because not only did he help, but I packed alongside him so it also got me to DO the packing on time for my move and without procrastinating too much.
–outsourcing wimp extraordinaire
PEOPLE. I’m making lemon bars for a friend’s wedding in August and am doing dessert testing with them at the end of the month. I have a good-looking lemon bar recipe (whole lemon bars, by David Lebovitz and Smitten Kitchen) but am open to other options, as I haven’t made them before and would like to have some variety to choose from. YOUR LEMON BAR RECIPES, SEND ME THEM. Bonus points if they freeze well.
Oh my gosh, you’re probably set on lemon bars, but if not, my roommate just made the most crazily good lemon-limoncello cupcakes last night. They take a lot of effort but I HIGHLY recommend them to anyone.
Do you have a recipe handy? Always looking to add to the collection…
Pretty sure this is it. http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2009/08/30/lemon-li…
If you don’t mind a heavier pastry, try using graham flour for the shortbread base of the lemon bars. It might be too heavy for a wedding, but oh my goodness it changes the flavor to something more earthy and…sexual? and less meringue-ish.
First batch is out and has been mostly devoured–I’m actually really pleased with how the base came out on these, but I am intrigued by the graham flour suggestion. LEMON BARS, TAKE 2? Obviously.
OT but, lemon bars always remind me of Sansa Stark.
Not sure how they freeze but I do it like this because, lets be honest, is Jolie ever wrong about anything?
I will follow Jolie Kerr into battle and also into her kitchen, with lemon squares.
Ok, now “how was the new Barbara Kingsolver?” is my new secret insult.
At the risk of adding work to your plate, I’ve heard that freezing can be successful but can sometimes be runnier when defrosted. It might be worth doing a test batch if at all possible.
I lean toward Cooks Illustrated for Recipes That Must Work, but a blog did a comparison with a few recipes (Lebovitz’s being one of them) and recommended Cooks’ filling with Tartine’s crust: http://www.crumblycookie.net/2011/05/16/lemon-bar…
I had not heard that about freezing/defrosting, thank you! I am doing a test batch right this minute. Wedding is in August so I have lots of time to tweak things.
And that blog post is perfect and beautiful. I will try all the things.
I froze some lemon bars last month and they turned out just fine. I used Smitten Kitchen’s recipe and just individually wrapped each one (or sometimes two), and then placed them into freezer bags. I could not tell the difference between fresh and frozen!!!
Good to know, thank you! I wrapped up half the batch and froze it in one giant lemon brick and will thaw it out in a few weeks for tasting. I never know with freezing, good to hear of success.
I wonder if you could adapt a Shaker lemon pie into lemon bars? I bet the thinly sliced lemons would be really pretty. No idea how it freezes.
Inspired! I am going to look into this right now.
Lemon is currently my favourite dessert flavour. Y’all have good taste. mmm hmmm.
I like to put coconut in the crust, and grated zest in the lemony bit. Otherwise I think they’re a little one-dimensional. YMMV.
First meeting of the DC Toastie Book Club tomorrow, huzzah! This is the last call to e-mail me and let me know if you’re coming if you haven’t already, because I’ll be calling Kramerbooks to give a final headcount for the reservation in about an hour. I am so very excited to meet all of you!
I’m in DC and interested in future book clubs! How do we join?
Sorry, just realized I never responded to you – email me at [email protected] to join the mailing list for the book club!
Hello toast!
I think you would love these glamorous tracksuits which benefit a LGBT network in Russia. http://www.fastcoexist.com/3026126/the-queer-trac…
Oooh these are GORGEOUS
Guys I took a soccer ball to the chin area last night and now one side of my jaw feels all fucked up and I can’t even eat the leftover pizza I brought for lunch aghhh
(I will probs be responsible and go to the urgent care but I WON’T BE HAPPY ABOUT IT)
Yikes. Lots of ibuprofen and ice?
So much ibuprofen! Still trying to figure out how to ice my face and do work at the same time, though.
This or this?
You need one of those flat/squishy storebought gel ice packs, and then you can easily tie it to your chin by wrapping a scarf or around your head/face.
I’ve had this hot/cold pad for years and it is wondrous. It’s huge enough to ice most body parts, the cover keeps you from giving yourself frostbite, and the elastic band lets you strap it to many parts of your body. If you’re going to injure yourself regularly, I highly recommend owning one.
SNOW IN PORTLAND PLEASES ME. And I am working from home today. Sadly, the office isn’t closed so I do still have to do some work. 🙁
Same! But then I plan to make a snowman to celebrate. And maybe a fire. And definitely hot cocoa. Cramming in ALL the winter activities!
wait are you in Portland too???
Also I love your username. And walruses.
I am! Currently ensconced in NE in my ultra fuzzy robe watching people casually cross-country ski past in the street.
Haha, thanks! I’m a big fan of robots and dinosaurs, so yours is EXCELLENT. Mine’s from back at the Hairpin, from one joke thread about the alternative meanings of LW in advice columns and I was really delighted with the idea of all letters coming from especially goofy walruses.
Is a resignation letter necessary for quitting a job? Share your job-leaving stories!
It’s good CYA in case your workplace requires X amount of notice or they won’t pay out your vacation, for example. But it doesn’t need to be anything more than “I am writing to notify you that I am resigning from the position of X, my last day will be Y.”
That sounds like good advice. Would you schedule a meeting to inform the employer and then hand in the resignation letter, at that time? How do you ask for the accrued vacation pay?
Yes, always try to notify your boss in person unless you want to burn bridges, then hand them the letter (honestly in every job I’ve had where I didn’t come to that meeting with a letter, I was asked to submit one). Check your employment manual/handbook on what their payout policy is, it usually provides a timeline of when you will receive it. If it doesn’t/you don’t get it/you have other questions, contact HR once you know your boss has told them you’re leaving. If you really think they’re going to be jerks, go ahead and look up your state’s labor dept regulations on final paychecks and when you’re supposed to get them so you can cite that in your angry email asking where your money is.
I HAVE QUIT SO MANY JOBS.
I just checked the employee manual and I see that I am entitled to accrued vacation time, but there is no schedule. It’s a small company, so there is no HR department. I guess I will just have to ask when I make my move.
Have you ever regretted quitting a job??
I’ve always managed to line up another job first, so not really. I did once leave a job for a job that ended up being worse, but I didn’t really regret it even then. If you are so unhappy that you are seriously considering quitting, especially if you don’t have another job, you probably shouldn’t be there/work isn’t worth sacrificing your sanity.
i wrote my resignation on some toilet paper one time.
it’s better to make it official and be polite if you want a reference.
unfortunately, they have all the power – can fire you at any time (if yours is a right-to-work state) but you really shouldn’t just quit.
Agreeing with the above! I’ve only quit one job, but I went and spoke to my boss in person, and he asked me to e-mail him a resignation letter stating my last date of work. He wanted e-mail rather than a hard copy letter so he could just forward it to HR. So you might hand your boss a letter and also offer to email him/her a copy.
Good luck quitting! I was super nervous when I did it, because the company I was at was going downhill fast, and I was the…5th or 6th person to leave in the span of about 4 months. I felt bad leaving my work with my already-overworked coworkers, but I knew I had to leave. I did work really hard in the last 2 weeks to make sure that I got as much done as humanly possible and left really, really detailed transition notes so that people would be able to pick up where I left off with the least amount of hassle.
Co-sign this. I was working remotely when I quit my most recent job, so I emailed my boss to set up a phone call and then we spoke over the phone about it. He, fortunately for me, was really cool about it and just asked that I send an email to him and CC HR on it (like Dancercise’s boss did). The letter literally just said “I am resigning my position effective [two weeks from today]. Thanks for the experience” or something like that.
Probably not helpful to you, but I had a telemarketing job for like six weeks and oh, they were the worst six weeks of all time. One day I truly couldn’t make myself go in so I called my supervisor and said I was sick and then, mid- phone call, blurted out “actually, I won’t be in tomorrow either. I quit.” And on the other end he says, totally unfazed, “Right-o. I’ll add your name to the list.” Phew.
I once wrote my resignation letter in my manager’s office. (I think I’ve shared this story before, maybe?) She was waiting out a contract and was really sympathetic to me having trouble with the terrible, terrible practice owners. I told them in my opinion they’d breached OUR contract and I wasn’t paying them back for some training they’d put me through. They sent me a nasty letter threatening to sue me, but haven’t so far!
I keep applying to jobs and no one gets back to me and it’s infuriating!!
Other than that, I am seeing the Showgirls musical next week and am immensely excited about this.
THERE’S A SHOWGIRLS MUSICAL??????
http://www.showgirlsthemusical.com/
Same, and I know the “oh I never hear back from anything” refrain is basically constant across all people at this point, but it really never stops being frustrating, disappointing, and almost insulting.
I totally agree with this. We all have the internet, how much effort could it possibly take to send out a mass email like “we got your application”/”sorry but we hired someone else”/whatever?
I got a form email yesterday notifying me that a job I applied for four months ago had been filled. I’ve gotten so used to the lack of response that my reaction was literally “That’s so sweet of them!”
On the flip side of this, when I was called to interview for my current job, I had applied over 3 months previously. I was like “the WHAT position now?”
Testify. I had a great conversation with a prospective employer two Wednesdays ago. I sent her my resume and cover letter the following day. No response. I sent her a follow up email one week later. No response. I don’t know what to do at this point EXCEPT TEAR OUT MY HAIR.
I had a woman email me to do an edit test and set up an in-person interview. I finished the test, said any of the dates she had suggested worked for me, and told her to let me know about meeting. That was two weeks ago, and we’ve far past the dates she suggested to meet. I just emailed her again. It’s infuriating.
At what point is it appropriate to start sending daily emails containing one emoticon? I really want to send that weird scuttling crab Gmail has.
JOB HUNTING IS SOUL CRUSHING AND PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RESPOND TO EMAILS. Seriously all they have to do is say, “Hey, got your email, kinda swamped at the moment but I’ll get back to you by x date.”
It really is insulting. Like, basic human decency, here, people! Employers have a huge effect on candidates’ LIVES. THEIR REAL ENTIRE LIVES.
I like how there is a post about quitting jobs and a post about applying to jobs in rapid succession. GOOD LUCK!
The giant pile of nothing I hear back from query letters is just overwhelming. The fact that “Nomi Malone is Goddess” will be celebrated forevermore in venues outside my own skull does help with this, but we also have a need to get paid. Good Luck (and better manners to HR), and I don’t need to hope that Showgirls kicks ass because that is a foregone conclusion. Clap extra for me.
Ok, time for a judgement-free love/sex/partner/milestones thread. How long were you with a new partner (on average, or specific SO) before hitting milestones: sex, love, living with, parental meets, end of honeymoon stage, etc.?
(husband)
1. one date
2. one month
2. two months
3. four months
4. he had never cleaned his shower curtain, so, one date
This is so reassuring to me:)
1.2 months
2.3 months
3.10 months
4.1 month his/8 months mine
5.??? (not because I think we’re still in it, but I just don’t recall)
<3
How long is murky for me, but the current timeline went love–>met parents–>broke up–>sex–>back together–>moved in together–>engaged now–>he made me breakfast this morning so I still swoon often
Sex: before officially together
Love: three/four months after sex
Parental meets: Um, mine pretty much immediately, but only by accident, his are dead but I met his sisters at around 6 months?
Living with: Four years
End of honeymoon stage: Never
Married: 7 years
Love it.
We had sex on our first real date. (I’m a classy lady.) 2. Four months. 3. 8 months. I didn’t meet his parents until we’d been together 7 months, he didn’t meet mine until…..ummm we were already engaged….for several months….like a year and a half or so?? But that was due to visa/work intractability/money issues!
we didn’t even ‘date’ until we’d been having sex for a full month. Literally, met him, flirted with him for three months, had sex as soon as schedule allowed.
I waited an entire 4 hours after meeting (wait – does a first meeting qualify as a first date?), and I’m a pretty classy lady. Woke up flu-ish and hungover, and kept on hanging out non-stop ever since. Since I’ve been known to show sub par players the door before the night’s over, he passed some pretty high bars.
1. Hasn’t happened yet
2. I would say ~ a month
3. Nope
4. Before we were together for him, for me it was ~two months
5. still in it tbh, we’ve been dating for just over a year.
1. 1.5 years
2. unknown, but currently in love yes
3. 6 years
4. -4 years (before we were dating)
5. When we started living together
Ha, why yes I am a person who is 25 but still dating a teenage love interest.
I am nearly 25 and started dating my current boyfriend when I was 19, which seems perfectly reasonable most of the time… except when I happen to encounter actual 19-year-olds and then it is mildly horrifying.
Also we met in college so our timeline was mostly drunken making out –> more drunken making out –> I guess we’re dating now? –> hey let’s move in together and also get a cat.
1. 3 days (day 1: friend says: you should meet this guy!, exchange phone numbers; day 2: date; day 3: date & sex)
2. 3 months
3. 18 months-ish
4. 5 months for mine, about a year for his
5. Immediately/never?
Current situation (and question prompter):
1. one date
2. one month
3. it’s already being discussed
4. THIS WEEKEND (me meeting them)
5. not yet, and feels just getting stronger
Ex Partner of 6 years:
1) Few dates
2) Few dates (we uhauled)
3) A few months (holiday)
4) Few weeks into moving in? It’s hard to be really honey-moon-y when you brush your teeth next to someone using the restroom.
It can happen:)
I find the whole concept of “milestones” to be so interesting, because in my experience the really good relationships come out of complete left field and whack you upside the head. For example, when I met my husband, I was an out lesbian, and we were friends so I often spoke to him about ladies I had designs on, various sapphic schemes, etc. So when I realized how I felt about him, I was in denial for a really long time dealing with all these “omg but he’s a man,” “does this make me bi,” “nooooo,” “but I love him! Fuck it” feelings. So love: 6-8 months after we met, dating: 3 months into my sexuality crisis, sex: about a month into dating, then many years of long-distance that precluded living together until finally we decided fuck this noise, we’re getting married. So we’ve been living together and married for a little over 5 months. I don’t know how to define a honeymoon period–things are great, and we haven’t gone on our real honeymoon yet. We’re going this summer after our belated reception for family and friends, where we’ll be doing the Pulp Fiction dance to “You Never Can Tell”–and no, you can’t.
Yeah, milestones are weird, and everyone does partnership differently. The current situation is so much more intense (yet rational and comfortable) than previous ones that I just needed to hear some feedback from others. Instead of burning out with increased time spent together, it’s the opposite. Scary/wonderful.
I LOVE hearing about people who are monosexual except for one awesome person. Makes me feel like labels are a thing that really don’t need to be stressed over.
sex: 1 month
love: 1 month
living together: 5 months
parental meets: 1 month
end of honeymoon: 2 years? it comes back every once in a while. And we also have a killer BFF situation going on – we really like each other a lot, which is pretty key.
We’ve been together for 4 years, married for a year and a half.
(hubs of 3 years + bf of 6 years before that)
sex: 16 months
love: ~1 month?
living together: 3 years
parents: 2 months
end of HM: not yet?
Could not possibly give an average, but will discuss husband:
Sex: made out on the third date, took about a month and a half to convince him to give up his V card (awwww)
Love: it was a ridiculously long time before we said the L word. Maybe six months?
Living with: started out living about ten miles apart, then after three months or so we got apartments on the same block, and then when the leases were up, we moved in.
Parental meets: hilariously, he came on family vacation with me about two months in. He had to make the decision to buy a plane ticket after like four or five weeks. Insane! My family is quite energetic also, so it was a bit of a trial by fire… he made it though! I have no idea when I met his parents. Maybe for Christmas or something after about a year? (They are very dull, and nothing ever happens when we go visit, so all the visits run together…)
End of honeymoon stage is hard to say… it’s more of a gradual fade out. I do remember a time about a year in when we had to institute a no sex after 10:30 rule, because we were staying up late all the time, and it just was ruining everything…
We got married after dating for nearly four years.
Sex: 2 months
Love: didn’t realize it at time, but almost from the beginning
Live with: a year (once I finished college)
Parental meets: 5 months (me meeting his folks), 7 months (him meeting my folks)
Engaged: 4 years
Married: 5 years
End of honeymoon stage: Ebbs and flows, but I fall in love with him again at regular intervals
Okay so:
1: ~1 month
2: like 2 dates (for me)
3: about 16 months? ish?
4: basically immediately. We both lived with our parents because grad school/money
5: kinda hasn’t
I’ll just speak about my current boyfriend for this one.
So ..
1. a few weeks before we started dating but about 7 months after we met and became friends (during that time I was out of the country and then in another state for like 4-5 months).
2. about 1-2 months after starting dating
3. We decided to do it within the first 6 months and actually did it after we had been dating a year. But, we hung out together constantly so I was basically living with him from the beginning
4. 2 months after we met and 5 months before we started dating
5. it hasn’t ended. it ended briefly while he was unemployed but now he has a job and it’s right back again, maybe stronger because we’re both working jobs that are more than minimum wage so we can go out on sexy fun dates
First date, pre-first date, two months, five months, dunno.
my husband:
sex: 2 weeks
love: 1 month
living with: 6 weeks
parental meets: 3.5 years
end of honeymoon stage: about 1 year
But! We were apart for almost 1.5 years starting 6 months after we met. So YMMVG
With my husband:
Sex: one week
Said “love”: five months (would’ve been longer if I wasn’t drunk when I said it)
Living with: two years, eight months (long-distance for a long time and I didn’t want to till engaged)
Parental meeting: 10 months for him to meet mine, 2.5 years for me to meet his.
Honeymoon: two years? (would’ve been shorter, but again, long distance)
With my main squeeze, from first OKC date:
Sex: 4-6 weeks? Can’t recall.
Love: ~3 months (him), just under 4 months (me)
Living with: 14 months
Parental meets: 5-6 months
End of honeymoon stage: Approximately 10-11 months before we regularly went a night together without having sex (which happens pretty regularly now). We’ve never really had a big fight, so I’ll get back to you on that.
Oooh! Can we talk about defining “honeymoon period”?
Oh! Definitely! Should have done that earlier. By “honeymoon period” I simply mean that gooey, over-the-top love feeling. Where you know you’re probably being a little irrational, a little obsessive, stars in your eyes, etc. Not that those feelings aren’t present in full, deep, sincere and honest love.
One definition here.
Also see: renegadeoboe’s answer right below for definition through context:)
Sex: About two months after we met, but pre-relationship
Love: Saying it out loud probably 9-10 months in. I was pretty much head over heels from long before we hooked up, though.
Living with: We’ve lived together for a few months at a time two summers running; we’re moving in FOR REAL in May! (2.4 years in)
Parental meets: his – 2 months; mine – 8 months; his mom – 2 years
End of honeymoon stage: I’m a gassy sleeper (it’s embarrassing! Sometimes I wake myself up!) and I fell asleep on his couch at least twice before we hooked up, so there was probably never a honeymoon stage. On the other hand, he still loves me even though I sleep-fart on him on the regular, and I genuinely can’t think of a better indicator of blind romance.
My beloved says romance is pointing your bed-farts in the other direction. I say, who says romance is dead?
I wish I could condition myself to turn away while asleep 🙁 🙁 🙁
This is the best thread! Partner of nearly 4 yrs.
Sex, right away. Love, professed at 6 mos (who knows when we felt it). Living with, not long after 3 yrs. Parental meets, about 1 year in (our parents still haven’t met each other) (we are from different states in which we do not live). Honeymoon stage…. this is sad guys but I think it literally ended last week! #sad
WELLESLEY SCULPTURE.
I was waiting for that to hit the Toast. I think the takeaway from everything is 1. people are being stupid about not removing the statue and 2. Wellesley alumnae are fiends of righteous anger of an intensity hitherto unnoticed.
Not that proud of my alma mater at the moment but I also work here, and I am proud of my alma mater for other things. :/ my current hope is that Hillz decides to run for president with a lot of Wellesley-based commentary thus making that the trending topic Wellesley is known for in 2014.
THE STATUE IS HELLA CREEPY.
I am a smith alum and I see from Facebook that my fellow alumnae are enraged on our seven sisters behalf. There was never any question about the righteous anger for me, though.
Yay seven sisters connection! Yeah I mean I think everyone within the Wellesley sphere knows about the righteous anger, but it seems like media outlets are like “WHOA ARE THESE GIRLS UPSET” and I just want to dip them, slowly, in the bubbling pot of wrath and rage.
Oh yeah, totally agree. It’s so terrible.
Smith alums unite in grossed-out indignation for their sister! I saw that sculpture yesterday and it’s gross and the curators are being turkeys about not removing it. Alas, I looked at the comments on the independent’s website, where I read about it, and it was truly depressing (“typical women university students whining”). I really need to keep breaking my rule on not reading any comments except here and the hairpin.
In spite of a couple episodes of anxiety in January, and low-key case of The Winter Depression, I’m feeling more stable than I have in a long time (I no longer struggle with, say, walking from my car to my front door [max distance: 40 feet]). Hooray for a slightly less tenuous grasp on mental health!
Fantastic!
Hip Hip!
Here’s a poem for you: https://soundcloud.com/xe_sands/gp-worldrealaloud…
ee cummings You Are Tired (I think)
see, it’s all good.
I ordered a bunch of yarn over the Internet today. Soft, fluffy, gorgeous, colorful yarn. And now I have resolved that I would like to make a human-sized dog bed- you know, the kind where your dog snuggles way back into it until all you can see is her nose and maybe a paw- out of the brightest colors possible, and then I am going to move into it from November to mid-March.
1) Do you have a Ravelry account/plans to put this online?
2) Do you have a pattern you’d be willing to share?
Ahahahaha, this is still in the wistful daydreaming phase, but if ever I succeed on making the human snuggler bed, you folks here will be the first to know.
I’m alixnoorchis on Ravelry – I posted about knitting last week and got a ton of other Ravelr…ers? to respond and I haven’t added everyonoe yet so if you are one of them I’m sorry!
I started two (!) new projects this week, the Emma scarf and the Aidez cardigan which is probably a terrible idea since I’ve never joined sleeves before. My boyfriend asked if I could make him a scarf as well, so I may do a quickie with huge yarn and needles.
Oh my god, look at that scarf. Gorgeous. I am Sedna51 on Ravelry and I’ll look for you! I’m in between projects right now, but I’m going to start a hooded scarf for a friend as soon as I get the yarn. Would also love to try this adorable washcloth. (It’s all fancy and fan-y!) I also have fingerless gloves I need to start up.
ALSO I just friended you on Ravelry and I am running around friending other Toastie persons, so if you get a weird person with an icon of a capybara wearing glasses showing up, that’s me.
Just a heads-up – I’m about to friend everyone in this thread on Ravelry, I’m themegnapkin there, too.
I’m not super duper active on Ravelry, but I completely love it and would love more toastie friends. I’m strekka. My biggest incentive for participating is adding information to patterns and right now I’m knitting a pair of mittens and three scarves from made-up patterns. My next project is a checked jumper I’m shamelessly stealing from a AW14 lookbook from a brand we carry in the shop I work for.
BURRITO THREAD: Let’s talk about burritos. Where is the best place to get a burrito? What is the best thing to put in a burrito you make yourself?
Poncho Villa, Mission district of San Francisco on Valencia, hands down.
Spicy black beans and avocado, obviously, are the best things in a homemade burrito. Fried sweet potatoes if available. I almost don’t care what else goes in.
I do not bother with storebought/restaurant burritos. (Related: I live in Maine. In Chicago, I rarely ordered burritos, but if I was somewhere burritos were available, the tacos were almost always going to be even better.)
I live in Maine now too and do not buy burritos. I have tried a few times, but they are never right. I grew up in Southern California, which is basically the Awesome Mexican Food capitol of the U.S., and nothing else seems right.
MAINE TOAST MEETUP. NO BURRITOS.
(I think it might just be you and me and some tacos.)
I am from maine and I am planning to move back there this summer! I’d be totally down for a meetup! There must be more.
YES PLEASE.
I started following you on twitter and was like OMG VIDEOPORT!!11!!! ARE YOU FROM MAINE??????? And then realized, yes. Sidenote: I am the worst twitter user.
Also, I have not told my job yet about leaving sooooooooo I will probably have to be quiet about this for a while, but DEFINITELY A MAINE TOAST MEETUP THIS SUMMER.
Videoport forevah! No problem keeping it on the qt ’til you’re ready to go public. This summer is a great time for a Portland meet-up: sunny weather, decks open at bars and coffeehouses alike.
YES! Let’s do it!
YES!!!!!!!!! other mainers? or mainerds, as I like to call us?
BURRITOS. I ate one at 1 in the morning last weekend, on the train home after a night out, and it was heavenly. A burrito is good at any hour, but the best burrito is a burrito in the late night/early morning hours when you skipped dinner and you’re ravenous and it’s cold outside and you warm your hands on the foil-wrapped deliciousness as you hustle to catch a train and you don’t even care you’re getting guacamole on your scarf.
I teared up a little reading this. SOMEONE BRING ME A BURRITO AND I WILL GET GUACAMOLE ON MY SCARF AND BE HAPPY.
No joke, I have had so many emotionally-overwhelming experiences eating burritos in the cold when I am super hungry and vulnerable/happy/tired/sad. A burrito is like a little pocket of happiness that you hold in your hands like a little bean-filled avocado baby. When I used to be part of a writing group, I always joked about writing a “burrito poem,” because i always felt like I was having A Moment, but I never did. ONE DAY.
I have a burrito for lunch later! With black beans, roasted yams, corn, and a bunch of chipotle salsa.
Chipotle salsa is the best thing to put in a burrito. Any burrito.
Breakfast: eggs, black beans, green and red bell pepper, onion, mushroom, S&P, garlic, cayenne, cheese cheese cheese
Not breakfast: same as above, with perhaps corn, sweet potato, seitan
Dessert: strawberries and pastry cream or chocolate
Breakfast burritos are awesome! There is a place in my hometown that does refried beans, 2 thick slices of bacon, scrambled eggs, and cheddar cheese all wrapped in a giant housemade tortilla. Top each bite with pico de gallo. It’s amazing. Probably a heart attack in a tortilla, but some things are just worth it.
The key, I think, to a good breakfast burrito is NO TATERS. I love potatoes almost any other time but shitty homefries have no place anywhere and they just add unnecessary bulk to a breakfast burrit’. My favorite one near work is scrambled eggs, bacon, cheese, pico, and spinach – simple, but so perfect.
Otherwise, I must confess, I’m not a huge burrito fan, which is a terrible thing for a San Franciscan to admit.
My potatoes stance is the same as the rice stance: extra starch and not necessary.
Extra starch is always necessary! (except rice isn’t all that good, so it can stay out. But potatoes are awesome, and are invited in.)
I am also anti-potato in burritos.
Potatoes are only acceptable in chorizo/potato burritos, where the chorizo might otherwise be overwhelming on its own. Potato haters may choose to substitute eggs, which are also good.
I miss the breakfast burritos/omelets from my old work. Best cafeteria. Eggs, sausage, peppers and onions and tomatoes. They didn’t normally do tomatoes in them but they would for me. DARLINGS.
I wish I liked breakfast burritos. The concept of them is wonderful, but the combination of scrambled eggs in a tortilla makes me gag. 🙁
So my version of a “breakfast burrito” is just…a burrito.
Breakfast burritos are the best! I make them full of roasted veggies, eggs, and cheese, make two dozen at a time, and then freeze them for very quick breakfast/lunch/snack/anytime food.
El Camion Ballard is half a block from my house. Weekend before last went like this: go to work party, get mildly drunk, go out afterward, get really drunk, pass out, wake up at noon, fall into shower, fall out of shower, stumble half block for HAM & EGG BREAKFAST BURRITO, stumble home, eat burrito, stay on couch all day.
I make these chicken & black bean burritos that I freeze – onions, salsa, cheese, seasonings, sometimes corn. Freeze first just flat on a pan, then once they’re all cool, wrap each in pam-sprayed foil, then they can be baked and they are crunchy but good crunchy and delicious.
Otherwise, burritos are only worthy if they are breakfast burritos, because they too too often include refried beans which are useless. Bacon/egg/cheese/potatoes/chorizo/salsa/onions – do not forget the onions – so many good options for breakfast burritos. And I live in Houston, so I get to have them all, any time I want.
I have a fantastic refritos recipe that might change your mind…
Ooh, share it? I’m only “meh” on refried beans but I am trying to change that.
I’ve used the refried beans recipe in Diana Kennedy’s cookbooks… and also Rick Bayless’.
Evernote link.
Thank you! I will try this next time I’m feeling beany (which will be soon, most likely).
I am feeling bean-y every third day these days. Can’t wait to try!!!!
In the Bay Area, on the peninsula (between San Francisco and San Jose), there’s a great chain called Lulu’s. There’s one walking distance from my work, and it calls to me at least once a week.
I love all burritos, unless there is ground beef, which is gross most anywhere. There are a couple decent Mexican places around here, but they always have more interesting things than burritos to get, so I don’t really get them at places, unless I’m driving and I go to Taco Bell, which I understand is not the same thing as food, but it is still delicious. There is one good taco stand, but it’s too far away to be useful in those times when you really need a burrito.
I like to make burritos at home though! Beans (black or refried), lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, avocado, bell pepper, salsa, cheese, and yogurt is what I grew up with and what I default to. I like the sound of some of these corn and sweet potato concoctions too. Burritos for dinner!
I grew up in San Diego, so I have…standards when it comes to burritos. (LOLITAS EVERYONE GO TO LOLITAS) If I’m making my own though, it’s usually some combo of black beans/random vegetables/avocado in a tortilla. Also, the Mexican grocery next to my mom’s house makes handmade fresh tortillas, and they are still warm when you get them in the package. They have ruined me, or at least my carb intake over winter break.
St. Mary’s Tortilla Factory in Tucson, on the other side of I-10. Get just a bean and cheese, double-wrapped. Ok, get the birria if you really need meat. And pick up two dozen flour tortillas for me, ok?
Also, we called ’em burros when I was growing up in Tucson. My mom still thinks “burrito” is funny and a bit pointless.
I love burritos, mmmm
Anyone else following the stolen Stradivarius story and relieved beyond measure it was found so quickly? Now I just want to know everything about who did it, and why. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking…
OH MY GOD. This is the first I’ve heard of it, but I’m so relieved it’s back!
SUPER RELIEVED. I was taking this quite personally for reasons that make no sense.
I HAVE NOT QUIT YET BUT I HAD AN INTERVIEW TODAY AND ANOTHER ONE WEDNESDAY
gold star
Also my boss gave me shit today because I am behind on stuff despite having a fever yesterday and also not knowing what to do 90% of the time because the process literally changes every time I think I have it down. Really don’t love being chastised when no one informs me about changes discussed in meetings I’m not invited to.
“being chastised when no one informs me about changes discussed in meetings I’m not invited to” omg this is my life
Good luck!
Also, I went to the Simpsons trivia and it was hard! But my team was just me and my friend, so that didn’t help. They did show the “Bart Sells His Soul” episode, so that involved a lot of quoting.
WOOOOOOOOO
I think you need to quit in all caps.
Yay!!! Good luck at both of the interviews!
Good for you! It’s awful when you hate your job, but it’s always great to have a new job lined up before you salute and say “So long, suckers!”
SO GLAD
The entire site is going to be so excited when you quit!
Getting real tired of winter. That Awl piece on the snow could have been written by me.
Also, I’m going on a OKCupid date tonight, but I don’t have great expectations for it, considering this text exchange earlier:
Him: Beauty bar on 14th cool?
Me: Sounds good. Yeah, if you get out sooner let me know.
Him: Will do! Kind of stoked to meet you, dear!
Me: Yeah, should be fun 🙂
Him: Hope your [sic] not a bitch
Him: Just kidding!
Whyyyyy, dude, why? You could have just said nothing.
I mean, I’m already suspicious of people who call me ‘dear’ before ever meeting me but dang, dude.
My suspicion doesn’t go away after I meet them, either. (Esp if they are male.)
“Dear” makes my skin crawl.
D:
“kind of stoked” YOU SHOULD BE THRILLED TO MEET ME YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE
ALSO SPELL CORRECTLY.
also seriously what the fuck dude, just, what the fuck.
I am usually a jerk when it comes to spelling, but I’ve been trying to be more forgiving since my friend, who is lovely and smart, misspelled “confetti” twice to me as “kafety” and “cafetie” recently. BUT SERIOUSLY.
Those are the most adorable misspellings of confetti I have ever seen.
They really are. I was just sitting in my room saying them out loud, trying to figure out what he was getting at. Later that night I learned that he doesn’t pronounce the “n”, so it all made sense!
I am forgiving of spelling mistakes to nice people. I don’t think this guy qualifies.
Nopetopus.gif
Ahhhhhhhh I hadn’t seen that one before!!!!!!! *Cackling with glee*
Update: I CANNOT stop laughing at this every time I watch it.
Holy shit this is amazing. What shall we call it for shorthand? NOPEBADGER does not have the same ring as nopetopus.
I am 100% belly-laughing and hyperventilating at this. If I die: YOUR FAULT.
I started frowning when I read “dear,” was in full scowl by “your,” and SHOT LASERS FROM MY EYES at “bitch.” Why. Why would you say that with your mouth (or…fingers, I guess).
I am not too fussed about spelling*, especially in casual conversation, but here’s a simple rule: if you are about to call me “a bitch,” even in the hopeful negative “hope your [sic] not a bitch,” SPELL EVERYTHING RIGHT.
*Real talk: no native U.S.-English speaker using the phrase “not too fussed about” is, in fact, not too fussed about spelling, but I try to remember that my impulse to care about spelling is itself a small-minded and classist piece of snobbery.
Yeah, I think knowledge of grammar/spelling is used to invalidate the opinions of less educated/generally less privileged individuals, and I’m working to generally unclench about it…but, fairly or not, I still have a very specific and unflattering vision of the kind of person who would say “hope your not a bitch”.
For sure: I was raised by prescriptivist snobs, so I have to clamp down hard on that indoctrinated response to other people’s spelling errors (while OF COURSE thinking my own spelling and usage errors are inconsequential habits or slip-ups rather than, say, markers of class or character; get rid of your prescriptivists, seriously, they are revolting).
But when someone’s insult to me is also misspelled, like “hope your not a bitch,” all my careful self-training to override that shallow, baseless snobbery goes out the window and the grammar police* in my head start to howl.
*They’re really more like “grammar Vikings.”
“…get rid of your prescriptivists, seriously, they are revolting”
Can I put this on a t-shirt?
Grammar Viking is the next thing I am putting on a coffee mug.
I will pay good money for two such mugs. At least.
The two tend to go hand in glove, alas. I listen to a local sports radio show pretty regularly. The hosts are pretty progressive guys (we’re talking about sports commentators here, so it’s a low bar, I admit) and so get a lot of hate mail from from meathead sports fans. The most common insult is “Your gay!” and they do this bit where they make fun of it by saying “My gay? No, it’s your gay? NOW WHERE DID I PUT MY GAY?” There’s this Venn diagram of yore/your/you’re confusion and I’m afraid that there is a high degree of overlap with dumbassery.
I don’t even care that it is classist, I am an English major and a writer and it HURTS MY SOUL.
That said, my partner makes some decidedly upsetting grammatical/spelling errors, and we conducted much of our initial courtship long-distance over Skype chat, so I guess I can get over it for the right person. But ARGH.
And he even used the wrong ‘you’re’.
DUDES.
oh noooooooo. I was prepared to be like “Some people are bad at texting!!!!!!!!!” but that does not bode well. Keep us posted!
I SAW THAT ON TUMBLR and may have growled audibly.
His texts sound like they were written by a committee consisting of a 12 year old boy, a 14 year old boy, and an old lady.
Now I am picturing him eagerly fielding dating advice from two nephews and an aunt clustered ’round him as he texts, and suddenly my frigid heart warmed toward this fictional man.
Hope my notabitch does what?
My notabitch has been more lethargic than normal lately. Do you think it’s the weather?
Have you been giving it plenty of vitamin D? That helps propel it through the winter doldrums. Or try topical applications of hot fudge.
do not go
DO NOT GO
he will neg you unceasingly and you will be miserable
STAND HIS ASS UP
I AM DEAD SERIOUS. Do not go. This is one of what, the first five things he’s EVER said to you? He is telling you EXACTLY what type of a dude he is from square one and counting on the fact that you, as a nice person, will give him the benefit of the doubt, even though he has not earned it, and let him be a dick to you in person while continuing to make excuses for it (“he probably is socially awkward like me and already feels bad about it” NO HE DOES NOT, he said that on purpose to see what he can get away with.)
DO NOT GOOOO
(i yell because i love you and i want to save you from a horrible evening)
Mallory 🙁 This is like every conversation with my mom, where I KNOW she’s right and want to listen, but the childish part in me is like “NO DO IT ANYWAY.”
“Nobody thinks he’s ever going to leave her.”
“You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.”
“I’ve been looking for a red suede pump!”
I hate you, Mallory. I really hate you.
Blammo, this is truth. If my introduction to you includes you saying even jokingly* that I might be a bitch, I don’t have high hopes for anything else that comes out of your [mouth/text apparatus].
*btw, when people claim “it’s a joke”? NOPE, ‘CAUSE JOKES ARE FUNNY. You can tell the difference between an actual joke, even one that didn’t land, and an insult cloaked in “lighten up, I was just joking” sfumato, and here’s how: an actual joke has a premise and a potential to be funny. This “hope your not a bitch” isn’t a joke, it’s a not-a-joke.
I think Our Dear Leader is on to something here but if you DO go a) Be strong and neg his ass back and b) REPORT BACK HERE LATER AND TELL US HOW IT WENT, while sipping a nightcap of Male Tears.
The single best thing I ever said on a bad date wasn’t a neg or a burn, it was a crisp, polite, unwavering, “Well, I’ve got to go.”
“I need to be somewhere else right now.”
“I need to be anywhere else right now.”
Yes. Yes. Go if you feel you’d like to, but please do not at any point hesitate to recuse yourself from this guy if he acts like an asshole. Being socially awkward does not negate your right to be treated with respect at all times.
I think we should use this as an opportunity to brainstorm neggy things meetapossum can say to him if she does decide to meet up with him.
“So, when were your profile photos from, again?”
“That’s a great choice of shirt- it does a good job at hiding your lack of musculature.”
“I’m glad I decided to come, I always wanted to meet someone who was raised by misogynist wolves!”
“That fedora makes your chin look waaay bigger.”
“That choice in belt is really bold! Very…bold!”
“That’s funny, I expected you to have better taste in beer…Oh well!”
“You know, it’s so funny, you seemed so much smarter online!”
If he is wearing a fedora I will be out of there faster than you can say “nice guy.”
Haha, totally stealing all of these, with yr permission!
Dude, please go and if he says anything questionable look at him like he’s some kind of odd bug and then say thoughtfully to yourself, “No, I don’t think so,” and just get up and leave.
I have always wanted to do this and while I have MET lots of douchebags, I have never been on dates with them, and the secret desire of my soul is to do this one day. I am in a relationship, and there is no hope for me, but you have a douchebag RIGHT IN YOUR SIGHTS, you know he’s a douchebag IN ADVANCE, please live the dream for me!
Or, you know, do whatever you want, and I will just pretend that’s what happened. 🙂
OR just go and kill him if when he is terrible. Male Tears, etc.
He is dead to me
Maybe the text (spelling mistake included) was a reference to the OKC question that goes something like, “you see the sentence, ‘Your a bitch!’ — which bothers you more, the spelling mistake or the profanity?”
Not saying it was funny/appropriate, just, maybe that’s what was going through his head?
That is also my bar of choice for after-work OkCupid dates! But I’m with Mallory. Stand his ass up.
Yeeeeah, I’d at least like to think I would cancel this date.
Oh no! Oh no! I mean, why?!?!
Please report back!
Have you heard James Adomian’s impression of Tom Leykis? Because I’m pretty sure that’s who this guy is.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I am late to the thread – how was it?
He sounds SO self-centered and unready for human conversation– even if it weren’t a weird insult, why are you supposed to be interested in his internal hopes/dreams that you “are not a bitch”?
hope you had a nice drink and then got out fast, in a good mood!
YES WHAT HAPPENED
So, OK. I would like to know if there are NAY toasties in the Norfolk area of the UK. At all. ANY OF YOU.
Dorset here! So no, not so far…
Yeah, slightly further north than Dorset, but still quite patently on the other side of the country, I’m afraid.
Newmarket, Suffolk
Has anyone out there made tofu enchiladas? I have a bunch of corn tortillas and a big block of extra-firm tofu and a whole bunch of cheese and some taco seasoning hanging around my house, and I feel like they could come together into something tasty, I’m just not totally sure how.
Just pile it all together any which way and then invite me over because yum.
Sorry, not-at-all-helpful and vaguely stalkerish comment, but I am very hungry and you had me at “cheese.”
As someone who spent way too much time in the comments yesterday re-writing song lyrics to incorporate cheese jokes? You are welcome to invite yourself over for cheese at any point.
Maybe freezing the tofu so it’s all crumbly? I’d probably do two different dishes. Tofu in tortillas just doesn’t’ work for me.
I’d pre-cook the tofu. Either cube it and panfry it w/soy sauce or maybe marinade it in something Mexican-ish and then bake it THEN add it to enchiladas.
Definitely precook the tofu so that it is complementarily flavourful. Maybe lightly braise it enchilada sauce.
Man, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to hear anything about liquid and braising from the Jizzcliner. VIVID IMAGES.
I’m pretty sure Jizzcliner refers to crusted solids.
Fair point.
I have! I drain/press the tofu, then crumble it into a pan with my hands and cook it for a while. Then I add a drained can of black beans, some leftover cooked rice, and either enchilada sauce and/or taco seasoning, whatever’s on hand. Sometimes I throw in garlic and paprika and stuff too.
Spoon that mixture into the tortillas, add some cheese, roll ’em up, add lots more cheese, and bake! Super delicious.
I like to dredge cubed tofu (sometimes pressed, drained, and marinated in garlicky soy sauce & lime, sometimes just plain salted tofu) in cornstarch, then shallow-fry it before putting it in a burrito/taco. That extra layer of crispy texture adds something really great. Sometimes I dredge it in sesame seeds instead of/in addition to the cornstarch.
So, Moosewood Simply Suppers has a scrambled tofu recipe that I think you could use in concept. I would quote the actual recipe but the book is in a box somewhere (hooray moving…)
I’d use a non-stick pan and a bunch of oil- a few tablespoons, probably. Crumble the tofu and “scramble” with the taco seasoning. If you use a light hand, some soy sauce would probably help on the umami front. If you go with a red sauce, I’d throw a can of tomato paste in with the oil and tofu and taco seasoning and saute that. Sauteed tomato paste gives you all the umami goodness and it’s super easy. And maybe a chipotle in adobo, if you have one around. Those are always good for extra flavor.
Then proceed with typical enchilada assembly.
This week was so sleepy and tired and long, ugh.
Someone talk Justified with me. I’m finally caught up with the current season and so much happened in the last episode!
Nooo I want to but I’m an episode behind!
Get on it! So much happennssss. Non-spoilery review: People get shot (this is every episode)! Raylan squints angrily at someone (this is every episode, as well)! Art has a badass scene! Boyd says, “I have been called many things, but inarticulate is not one of them!”
Boyddddd!
Here is a thing I want to talk about: they are totally definitely setting up Baby Crowe to be a love interest for Loretta, right? Like, that is definitely why we are having a plot about him being sent into the foster system? So he and Loretta can meet and fall in love and become the ultimate teenage crime bosses of Harlan County? If this is not the focus of season 6 I will be extremely disappointed.
Haha, I think Baby Crowe is a bit young for Loretta, no? Isn’t he like, 13 to her 16, 17? Or are they just making him look especially fragile/narrow-shouldered (albeit smart-mouthed) in contrast to Loretta’s budding-badassery (girl played Raylan! I mean, his weak spot has always been women-he-cares-about, but still).
I sense a definite theme of the old-timers passing off, the uprising of the new-timers, though. I mean, last season was all about Raylan suddenly caring about rank, wanting to catch Drew Thompson so he could write his own ticket? And Arlo’s gone, Bo’s gone, Mags is gone, the beginning of this season saw the Tonin empire crumble, Art is on the verge of retirement, Hot-Rod Dunham is playing a role this season that might see him gone? This season is all tied up in Dewey becoming new-money (or Harlan’s version of it, at least) and the chaos that follows him as a result. And Boyd is either gonna become a stable crime-boss-in-charge like his daddy before him, or he’s going to fail spectacularly. Raylan is gonna either become a serious, law-abiding lawman, or he’s going to lose his job over the Nicky Augustine fiasco.
AHHH can you tell I love this show too much?
Ohhh, maybe, I thought he was supposed to be one of those scrawny teenage boys that is like 15 or 16 but looks 12. And I thought Loretta was only 15 or 16 too? Could be wrong about both of those things though!
And yeah I totally agree. I’m actually really interested to see where they go with that side of things. With all the previous seasons there was kind of a progression where the bad guys kept getting badder and scarier and more violent, and I kind of expected this season to be all about Detroit and the Canadians and the ever-widening circle of crime, but they killed that idea pretty much immediately. It’s suddenly become very Harlan-focused again, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we did start to see brand new (younger?) people staking out a claim. (I assume the Crowes won’t last, but who knows!)
Meanwhile, Raylan and Boyd only continue to support my “Raylan and Boyd are basically the same person and just made different choices and that is pretty much the whole point of the show” stance. Please don’t do anything stupid, guys! I’m so worried about you!
Hmm, I wonder how much time has passed since Loretta went into the system in season 2. It’s got to be a little while at least, since Winona got pregnant and gave birth since then, yeah? But either way, I fear that Baby Crowe is a bit too far under his brothers’ thumbs.
Yessss to Raylan and Boyd being essentially the same. I mean, after the conversation they had last season about, what was it, Raylan says something about Boyd “loving anything that’ll let you put your head on the pillow at night believing you’re not the bad guy” and Boyd shoots it right back at him. Lord knows that if Raylan didn’t have the badge, he’d still be shooting people (ie: for one, his “I’m suspended!” excuse for not stopping Nicky Augustine’s murder). I’m not sure if Boyd (current Boyd, not church-bombing first season Boyd) would run around shooting people if he didn’t feel backed into a corner? Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s a criminal through-and-through, but his violence lately seems to be based in desperation more than anything else. Not that he doesn’t enjoy tying up loose ends? Raylan and Boyd both dispense of other people casually, but Raylan has his badge to fall back on and tells criminals as much pretty often (“this star will make it legal”) whereas Boyd is just like “yep that had to happen.” Everyone on this show is so morally grey, it’s GREAT.
OKAY big plans for the night (now that this endless work day is finally over ughhh) include watching the most recent episode. I promise I’ll all be caught up for the open thread next week!
This week has been the WORST. On Monday I thought it was Thursday.
I have started at least three different articles to pitch here and stuttered out with each because the winter is killing every last brain cell I have. (For real, yesterday I got in my car to go home and sat there blankly for a moment going “wait a minute….where am I going….”)
How do you motivate yourselves to write? I never had a problem with procrastinating in school, and never had an issue writing papers with a due date, and prided myself on being done days in advance. But apparently if there is no due date, I have issues.
Sometimes it’s just not a good time to write, you know? But I have found that forcing my ass into the chair is the only way. I get your stuttering — I’m actually gonna pitch something, and I’m nervous as hell! But you never get a yes if you don’t try. Nos will come, but yeses (is that a word? so weird) will also happen if you try and try again. Published folks are just the ones who never gave up. Rah rah! Sis boom bah! YOU CAN DO EEEET!
ETA: I have found, too, that setting small goals as if they were homework is a great way to go for me. Give yourself rewards, too, when you’ve finished something. We’re all puppies who want treats.
Tiny voice now: my article on the Halifax Explosion ran in December. So I am not so worried about that part! It’s just the….actual finishing the writing part.
Yay! Congrats to both you and brookshelley! I am in awe 🙂
I forced myself to write by pitching. I had an idea of what I wanted to write about, but getting an email from Nicole that said, “yes! write this immediately” was a kick to my process. Oh, and a smoothie that was mostly berries.
BERRIES +1 +1 +1
I want to chime in here: every interaction I’ve had pitching to and writing for The Toast has been remarkably positive, and that includes the rejections. It’s a treat to hear from editors who are so respectful and responsive and enthusiastic.
I’m like this, too, so I cope by setting myself due dates, sometimes arbitrarily: “This piece has to be finished by 5 p.m. Wednesday” or “I’m sending this pitch by 9 p.m. Monday.”
It helps me if I can impose some rationale for the deadline, e.g., “If I send this before 10 p.m. Sunday, I can relax and watch ‘Girls’ in peace” or “If I want The Fella* to proofread this, I need to finish it before he starts writing his Wednesday night review” or even “If I send this by 5 p.m. Friday, I can demand high-fives from all my friends over a beer.”
*He’s a film & TV critic, which means we spend some very companionable evenings swapping finished articles to read and proof.
I’d also like to start a The Toast appreciation thread. All of the Twitter and Tumblr sharing and bonding has really gone to my head and heart, along with the always awesome articles and comments/commenters. How has The Toast changed you/your life/your outlook?
I think definitely by making me a helluva lot smarter, which is great. But also letting me cast away some of the shyness I have about my obsessions or my nerdy passions and also, just as a writer, thinking about different ways to approach things, wanting to tell all my weird true tales, and everything!
Plus it has become a great litmus test when someone else is all, This website you told me about is amazing! I’d love to see more Toast links about the Tumblrs!
I totally use it as a test of a quality person. And when a blog’s articles have a 97% chance of interesting me, that’s a keeper.
Example: the BF found the Misandrist series as amusing as I. Keeper.
Yes! It’s finally a place where I look forward to reading the comments! Also I have some great new tumblr friends because of it.
It’s been a huge relief to have a community, so thanks for really opening up this discussion and jumpstarting the hashtag, embryo.
I’m one of those people who’s shy even over Twitter and I’ve been poking my head out of my shell (finally) for the last few weeks.
Aw, Mindy, love our Twittership! I worked in a bookstore for YEARS and never realized how the conversations with my fellow nerds, geeks and freaks satisfied my soul until I entered the Office Job World. Being able do the witty repartee all day makes life so much better. Though – it was pretty hard to explain the whole Stargate/vagina to the BF last night. But mainly because he doesn’t social media.
oh my god the stargate vagina thing, I’m so glad we just ran with that, guys. So glad. I’m glad we’re twitter friends!
I needed it after the link round-up yesterday. Laugh tears are always better, but sorrow/rage tears important too. For the record, I am not a weepy person, but The Toast always tugs on my heartstrings.
I think you all are pretty much the best and Stargate vagina made me wander around in a happy “they are so cool and also they like me!” haze all day yesterday. Like the ones that happen early on with mutual crushes!
I am trying to say: I have a serious friend-crush on ALL OF YOU. Thanks Toast Comments, thanks Toasties-of-Twitter, thanks thanks thanks.
I say this half-jokingly and half-sincerely, but I love that it’s helped me embrace my inner misandrist. Getting over my last break up and starting dating again has been ROUGH and all the misandry and male tears has helped remind me that dudes do not and should not have all the power and influence over me that they have in the past. I am still a straight lady who would like to have sex again, and maybe someday a partner, but MISANDRY is my warrior rally call that helps me stay strong and not settle, and not let random dudes (or the lack of dudes) make me feel like shit.
(Also all the neat Toast-adjacent people I’ve met IRL and online, and so much wonderful and entertaining and inspiring and educational writing!)
<3 you, Toast!
Oh, this. I have both something in my eye and a swelling urge to clash misandrist swords with you.
I appreciate the Toast for changing my life in the following ways:
~articles are thoughtfully chosen, edited and presented allowing me to participate in ideas/cultures that I would never have the opportunity to do so otherwise;
~it exposes me to artists of literary and/or visual mediums that, again, I wouldn’t normally experience;
~the Toast community is intelligent, supportive of one another and extremely funny and because I’m socially and culturally isolated (Twelve years ago, I moved to a small rural town with an industrial & health-care base whose claim to fame is “B.C’s Number One Sports Town” and I am a childless by choice 46 year old Emily Carr graduate with no manufacturing or health-care training) the Toast is my much needed daily shot of urbane feminism.
Most importantly, the Toast gave me, through a long-ago link, the fortitude to finish a children’s story that celebrates friendship and cooperation (but I’m still screwing up the courage to publish it!).
Hope that helps!
All of this. Love it all.
This community. Like, when I was sick earlier this week, the best sympathy and support I got sitting stuck at work was Toasties on twitter (and a couple of furtive tweets from a stuck-in-class fiance). I like feeling part of such a thoughtful, intelligent and hilarious community.
OMG, other non-lower mainland BC person! If you are where I think you are you’re still nowhere near me but it is still exciting to find another rural BC person on here.
*ahem* sorry. But ditto to everything you said, except that I haven’t written anything yet, but The Toast has certainly made me think about getting back into writing.
I like being pushed and this place makes me feel like the dumbest kid at smart camp. But in a good way. I’ve sort of drifted away from another online group where I was a fairly constant presence for years. This place talks and makes me think a lot more about feminism, which has been fantastic.
I have never once seen a comment here that’s made me roll my eyes and go “WHY DO YOU POST HERE.”
As I’ve been going through shit in my life, I’ve been able to unload in the open threads, and gotten tons of support, and useful advice.
Everyone here is brilliant, and there’s a huge pop-nerd contingent, and a huge science-nerd contingent, with overlap, and this just makes me perfectly happy.
I’ve found some great folk on tumblr, and it’s a happy, nerdy, misandrist lovefest on my dash all the time.
For reals though, The Toast is the brightest part of my day, and the Open Thread the highlight of my week.
You guys I stood up for myself this week! It was great!
So what happened is that I’m on the Politics email list at work, and on Monday morning one of the other people sent around a “joke” about how Chris Christie is fat. And I was like, really? We just won the superbowl & I’m in a great mood and now this? So I complained to a couple work friends, but I wasn’t originally going to respond because confrontation is scary (plus also the guy who sent it out is a shareholder and our managing shareholder is also on the list). But then I thought about it for an hour and I decided “fuck it, I’m mad still & I’m gonna do it” & I replied all: “The man’s done plenty to make fun of – we can probably leave his weight out of it.” (I didn’t even give in to my instincts to put “I think” or “I feel like” in there!).
Of course, no response from the OP, because when people don’t actually give a shit about making hurtful comments, they usually don’t give a shit if someone’s actually hurt by them, but I know a couple other people were thrilled, so I’m counting it a win.
Not to pry, but what industry are you in that you have a politics email list at work? I feel like that can only end badly…
Yes I saw “Politics email list at work” and my insides churned. I could NOT be on that list. (I am a New England liberal pinko commie transplanted to DC working at a conservative religious institution, so talking politics with my coworkers would be a fate worse than death.)
ETA: But way to go on your comment! Pitch perfect, IMO.
It usually works out okay – we’re more or less on the same page politically, and this way it gives people who cannot help but talk about politics at work a way to do it without cornering people who don’t want to talk about it. I just don’t know* what his weight has to do with politics.
*I do know what it has to do with politics, which is nothing.
HOPEFULLY his silence means “shit… didn’t think about it like that…” and now he is duly chastened and slightly embarrassed.
Well done, you. I +++++ this in my non-confrontational soul.
Extra congrats on leaving “I think”/”I feel like” out of there!
For sure! I’m really bad about that myself. 🙁
Thanks! I kept almost getting cold feet, like “is this too harsh?” but then I was like, he just made fun of me and everyone else in this office who has ever been uncomfortable about their weight, which is actually way harsher, so I did it anyway.
Two weeks ago, in one of my first classes of the semester, we were discussing our impressions of “America” as a nation/ concept. One girl said she thinks America is “ugly,” and when asked to elaborate, she said, “Well first off, there’s the obesity epidemic, which is obviously very ugly…” and then I don’t know what else she said because I became rage-deaf. I considered calling her out in class, or talking to her in private, or even discussing it with the professor (my disappointment in him for not addressing the comment is another story). But instead I did nothing, and I still feel crummy about it. __Long story short – I’m impressed by your courage and happy you stood up to that bully! People who are dicks need to be told that they are dicks.
Don’t feel crummy! There are hella times I don’t say things (which, okay, I feel crummy about afterward). Otherwise I wouldn’t be excited enough about this one time to be late to work posting it on the open thread.
After last week’s fantasy novels thread I read N.K. Jemisin’s The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, and I really want to read everything else she has written. But that is the only one available as an ebook through the library, and it is so cold that I have not wanted to go to the actual library to procure real books. So I am contenting myself with re-reading the Abhorsen series, since I don’t remember it that well from reading it when I was younger, and none of the other authors in the thread are available in beam instantly to my phone for free form. Yay for Toasty recommendations.
AHHH I love love love the Abhorsen series 😀 Enjoy your reread (:
Using Overdrive? See if they have any Janny Wurts or Joan D. Vinge.
ABHORSEN. I reread those this year and it was GREAT.
I also read The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms after that thread! How great was it?!? (Answer: so great.)
I ended up falling down a rabbit’s hole of Diana Wynne Jones after that thread! Maybe not good for my productivity, but so (darkly) good!
I have spent the last 2 weeks rewatching Veronica Mars and remembering what a WONDERFUL show it is. Anybody else super excited about the movie??
YES.
(I have also been slowly, slowly converting all my friends to Team Weevil. WEEVILLLL I just want him to be happy in the movie, to be stable and to have left the petty criminal/bike gang life, I want him to be an art therapist or own his own chopper shop or tattoo studio, Weevilllll.)
I LIKE HIM MORE AND MORE. He totally needs to be happy! I think he’s given up the gang life for sure since he was already beginning that in s3 (: Tattoo artist / Art therapist would be so awesome oh man!!
Can we talk about how great and wonderful Mac is though??
Mac is wonderful and have you SEEN her in the trailers for the movie? Lady is SMOKIN BABELY YOWZA HOT.
I KNOW!!! So excited to see how successful and happy she is these days because she totally deserves it (: (: (:
Mmmm, Weevil.
Hugely excited about the movie!
mmm weevil, indeed.
OH MY GOD SO EXCITED. My boss and I are going to road trip together to the nearest theater where it’s playing on opening night and I can’t wait.
AHHH that sounds like so much fun! Unfortunately I won’t be able to do the midnight thing because of work hours and stuff but MAN opening weekend I’m totally there!!!
yes. very.
Chris Lowell is so freaking cute and funny on Enlisted that I can’t believe how much I disliked him on VM. And not even because I liked Logan, I just thought Piz was boring.
And yes, Mac’s hair in the trailer is a-mah-zing.
Yeah, he’s so charming and delightful on Enlisted!
[redacted: long, unsolicited rant about how S3 could have been improved]
UGH RIGHT, I kind of hate myself for how much I love Logan because he is the literal worst. And poor Piz is really just the most boring. I mean, Piz is who you would want to date in real life, obviously, but NOT who I want to watch Kristen Bell make out with on TV while I yell approvingly.
We have all seen the Britanick sketch starring Chris Lowell, yes? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df9RmhEc2Yo
Rob Thomas/The Show just did a really poor job of making the case that Logan/Veronica worked because they were SO FUCKED UP and were trying to exorcise their dark & twisty tendencies by dating Nice Normals.
THIS IS SO TRUE
It IS true and I know better and I just cannot help myself. D:
Oh, I mean, Logan/Veronica forever. Team Dark&Twisty.
Lol I was watching the show completely unspoiled and their first kiss, I literally gasped and collapsed. Such great chemistry (:
Don’t rewatch season 3!!! Husband and I just finished our rewatch and season 3 was worse than I remembered. Like, monstrously horrible. Just end it on a high note.
Wait are you on the 3rd season yet? Because my wife and I just powered through the whole series (also because of the movie) and the 3rd season was SO MUCH WORSE THAN WE REMEMBERED. UGH I will not ever sully my eyes with that again.
Seasons 1 and 2, though. That’s where it’s at.
Edit: Hahaha I just saw that my wife posted basically the same thing.
Lol unfortunately now I’m halfway s3 and I just have to see it out to the end!!
We were there. We were right there last week. When we got right near the end, there were 2 episodes left and we just powered through them because we couldn’t stand the idea of coming back and watching it again another day. God speed.
I need some work-related advice. I’m becoming increasingly bothered by a pay discrepancy situation at my job. It’s hard to explain succinctly but I’ll do my best. I have a co-worker who got hired into a sort of wink-wink position, in that he needed a job and the higher ups in the department (university research place) created a job for him for one academic year. He and I graduated from the same PhD program; he finished a year earlier than me, got a job somewhere else for a year, and came back to work here (in the wink-wink job) at the same time I graduated. And now I’m making 70 cents on the dollar to what he’s making.
I’m not too terribly bothered that he’s making more money than me right now – he was hired into a different position, and in a different capacity, and through a different funding stream. I’ve been working on the same project since before I graduated. When we wrote the grant that gave me this job, we put in for me to have a higher salary but it was cut (about 10%) for budget reasons and because I didn’t have my degree yet. And now that the project is almost finished, there is no money in the budget to give me a raise for graduating.
Now we’ve been writing a bunch of grant applications for new research projects (the wink-wink job was essentially to help write grants and create a job for himself after the one year period he was hired for). On each and every grant that has gone out so far this academic year, his starting salary is what it is now, and mine is what it is now, despite the fact that we are being written into the grants to do essentially the same job. So now I feel like if we both keep working here, he will always be making significantly more than be despite the fact that we are doing the same job, because he started out with that higher salary (which was due to a closed-door favor in the first place – the job wasn’t even posted for applicants!). And now there’s even talk of he and I co-authoring a grant, so we would LITERALLY be doing the same job on it, and he’d still be making more money than me.
This guy and I are friends and I don’t hold anything against him as a person. Though we haven’t discussed this with each other directly, I do get the feeling that he feels guilty about it. I, on the other hand, am so bothered about it that at times I have had to go home from work early due to stomach rage knots.
What to do? I can’t just go into one of my boss’ offices and start yelling about penises (or could I?!). I suppose the best thing to do would be to talk to a boss about “my future” here, and outline the reasons I deserve a raise. This week my way of coping has been to only put in about 70% effort, since that’s all I’m getting paid for, but that’s hardly a sustainable strategy.
Is there a reason that you can’t just go to one of your bosses and bring up the discrepancy JUST in the context of the grants you’re writing? “We have equivalent qualifications and will be doing equivalent work,” and see how/if they justify it?
Yes, focusing on the context of the new grants is key here, I think.
Also, wow, that “is there a reason you can’t just…” lead-in sounds really critical upon re-read! I promise I didn’t mean to be snarky: genuinely wasn’t sure if there was a funding or grant-related policy that would make it inappropriate for you to approach your bosses directly.
No, I didn’t take it that way! I mean, the whole reason I’m asking for advice is because this whole situation (money at work, any work) is difficult to navigate, and I want some outsider perspective so I don’t just start yelling about penises and lighting things on fire.
Since you’re obviously in a position where your coworker’s salary is known to you and is open knowledge, I think you should be able to talk to your boss(es?) and tell them what you told us–you’ll be doing the same work, you should be writing equal salaries into these grants. If they can’t give you a good reason why that isn’t happening, call in HR.
What everyone above is saying.
I just went back and looked at our job descriptions on the two most recent submissions. His job description is for a job that I am currently doing in my job, on top of all the other things I am doing. So he’s been written in to do a small part of the job I already do, at a higher premium for his time. Fuck.
You’re used to well researched and detailed writing. Lay it out clearly and concisely, and bring it to the attention of the department. They probably all know, and are just crossing their fingers that you will continue to be passive about the discrepancy. You know, a “nice” girl. Be a lady, but get what you want.
Write it out first. Write all the stuff you said here (but with dates and real names and so forth) being as vitriolic and steamed as you like.
Then go through and pick out the relevant data, change “wink-wink” to something as not-loaded as possible (“X’s one-year assignment at $salary which is now transitioning into a full-time position that carries the same qualifications and responsibilities as the job I was recruited for and am doing.”) Focus on the key facts that relate to YOU: you didn’t have your degree, but now you do. Your original salary was cut (pre-degree) due to grant requirements. Going forward, you expect your pay will be commensurate, given that the original intent was for you to have $salary. In fact, given that they expected you to get $salary pre-graduation, you were expecting a $pre-gradsalary+3% (or whatever), and you are excited to work with them and appreciate their attention to this matter.
Then read it over and pretend you have a penis and have been raised to treat yourself as the most important penis in the world, and take out any ‘sorry for asking’ and put in more ‘this is what I expect’, and then send.
Thank you for not only giving solid advice, but also for making me laugh.
Hope it helps. The worst part is DECIDING to stand up for yourself. Once you know you’re doing that, the rest follows.
This is perfect advice for this situation, especially the last paragraph.
Perfect.
This is the best
What are thoughts on doing this in letter format versus face-to-face? I work with a small group, and we’re generally a collegial bunch, so most grievances are handled in person. But I also know that I’m likely to dissolve into a puddle of impotent rage at the first sign of conflict, so. If I email them first, they will still want to talk face-to-face, but at least all the facts will be outlined first?
Write a letter and bring it to the meeting, if you can make sure you won’t say oh sorry I just wanted to check if maybe…
But if you can’t be sure you won’t cower, set up a meeting, send the letter a day or so before, and then also bring it to the meeting, so you can hold it and know its power.
I think that you want to do a letter for 2 reasons:
1) no puddle of rage necessary
2) 100% effective in getting your entire message across – no room for ‘he cut me off and I didn’t get to say’ stuff.
3) (I never run out of points) A written trail of communication is helpful if you’re even .05% likely to need to bring this up a grievance chain at some point. Also, if you have any saved emails discussing things like the 10% cut from the prior grant that support your position, you can attach them.
BUT: An alternate method is to do the above (writing it out to marshall your arguments, make sure everything’s in the right order), practice your script so you feel the righteous and fire-laden breath of truth every time you start the speech, and have a face-to-face, with an email follow-up in the ‘here’s what we discussed, here also are some notes/facts’ vein.
OR BETTER: a ‘here are some facts, let’s chat about them’ initial email (that way they can’t – inadvertently or advertendly – shut you down and leave you with a ‘no’ before you get all the facts in front of them, in which case your follow-up email can read as whiny to penises). The ‘here are facts, let’s have a meeting’ email will give them a) facts b) time to realize they can’t be penises c) notice that you’re serious and you are going to be taken seriously despite the informal nature of your usual interactions
YES, yes to paper trails always.
That was three reasons.
😉
But DEFINITELY yes to paper trail.
I’m working on a draft email right now. It includes phrases such as “the special circumstances under which he was hired into his current, temporary position” (instead of “wink-wink”) and “gross inequity.” I’m also including a calculation of how much he will have outearned me by the time we turn 65 if we both keep our current starting rates ($1.3 million!). I feel so damn GOOD about writing this email.
Thank you, Toasties, for giving me the gumption to do something about this.
ETA: And not a single “I’m sorry” or “I think” or “I feel” in the letter. Not a one. There is an “I hope” at the end, hoping that the inequity will be addressed in satisfactory manner moving forward.
Fabulous. Very fabulous.
If you haven’t sent yet, read it over with an eye to pointing out how valuable YOU are, in your own right, not only in comparison to the dude. The inequity is gross, indeed, but the issue isn’t just “I’m as good as he is”; it’s also “I am damn good” – even if they fired him or lowered his rate (thus removing the inequity) you would STILL deserve the raise.
Oh yes, there is an entire paragraph (before even pointing out the inequity with the Penis) outlining my experience, skills, and responsibilities.
And here’s my turn to brag: my partner is supporting me 100% on this, even going so far as to agree that if I end up unemployed as a result of making noise, it will still be better than allowing this situation to pass without comment. He’s a keeper.
I need help from Toasties who like romance novels – I’ve been on a few dates with this new guy (I think I like him!). I mentioned that I like to read romances, he asked me to pick one out that we could read together (this is really cute, right?). I need help – what should I pick?
Caroline Linden, Lorraine Heath, Christina Dodd…I like more, but can’t think at the moment. My faves are always smart people that have good humor and can communicate. Not too much tortured soul or saving of others.
The only one of those authors I’ve read is Caroline Linden, and I liked her, I like smart heroines/heroes – but maybe a contemporary? He had the idea that all romance novels involve Fabio (which makes his willingness to read one with me all the more cool, I think).
does it have to be like… a classic romance novel? Did you read Eleanor & Park? It’s a YA novel, but centers around a really awesome teen romance/friendship. Not sure it would be up your alley, but its a great read!!!!!! Toast approved.
Eleanor & Park made me ugly-cry, it’s so unbelievably good but I think a little too heavy for these purposes.
that makes sense because I am definitely better acquainted with ugly crying and things that are slightly too heavy for any purposes (seawitch) than with dating and romance novels! BUT GOOD LUCK – he sounds great.
My beloved and I just read Eleanor & Park together! It was a great book for that. I would endorse either of Rainbow Rowell’s other books for co-reading, too. Fangirl also made me cry, but Attachments is a straight-up romantic comedy (with a male protagonist).
My then-17yo & I listened to Eleanor & Park while we were driving around last spring break looking at colleges. You ain’t ugly-cried till you’ve ugly-cried in the gloaming hills of Virginia while trying to navigate unfamiliar roads & your son is all, “it’s okay, Mom, they’re not real,” and you have to sob “Yes! They! ARE!” while not crashing the rental car.
‘The Thorn Birds’ which is kind of a romance novel and kind of a generational family drama? Also, you’d better like this guy because it’s huge and takes forever. So, actually, I guess it’s a bad idea why did I even speak up…
Thorn Birds is THE BEST. Epic! Sweeping! Priests! Australia!
*rubs hands*
Well, what are some that you like, first of all?
And second, if you’d like contemp, off the top of my head, About Last Night by Ruthie Knox, or In the Clear by Tamara Morgan are smart, fun.
ETA: I like this guy, too!
REPORTING FOR DUTY!
Contemporary: And and all Kristin Higgins, esp – oh, never mind esp, just all of them
DITTO: Susan Elizabeth Phillips (I like the Chicago Stars series best) (Is he sporty? He might like the sports hero ones)
ALSO DITTO: Jill Shalvis – they’re faster reads, and have more explicit sex
(and yes, this is really cute!)
(My spouse likes to read my novels – esp some parts of them – but doesn’t read other romances. It’s fun to see how much more about the industry he’s learned since I started on this path, though.)
I don’t read a ton of romance, but still recommend Jennie Crusie. Or, is it because I don’t read a ton of romance that I recommend her? Anyway, pick the one most like or unlike your actual situation. You know, depending.
I LOVE you all! I’m fairly new to romance. My favorite so far is Jennifer Crusie’s Faking It – for me, that’s the right mix of smart characters, interesting issues to work through, and a hero who’s a good guy but also crooked and you’re not really sure if you can trust him. It veers a little too too silly at the end, but I like the characters so much that I don’t even mind.
He’s kind of hipster-y, I think? He’s smart, funny in a dry but not sarcastic way, and knows a lot about craft beer. We’ve talked a lot without really talking about very much, and he seems a little shy w/r/t sexy times, so a romance that could move things along in that direction would be good (but not super explicit non-stop sex erotic romance, that might scare him off + give him an inaccurate idea of me).
Also, check out Smart Bitches, Trashy Books for excellent reviews.
Jenny Crusie, crookedness, craft beer, dry wit.
*shakes it up*
I’m going to say: Confidence Tricks by Tamara Morgan (funny, kick ass heroine and witty hero)
Bad Boys Do by Victoria Dahl (irresponsible brewer brother, slightly uptight prof)
And also the earlier recs, because I love them.
Mindy, will you be my new best friend?
YES! *jumps into your waiting arms!*
Look! It’s a sunset! Let’s run into it together. Don’t forget your shelves full of books and your fancy pens for writing new ones.
Confidence Tricks it is! I can tell from the Amazon summary that I’m going to love it.
Everything else that’s been mentioned in this thread is immediately going on my to-read list – thank you, Toasties!!!
Woot!
Books! They bring people together, they really do.
I haven’t actually read The Rosie Project (it’s on my list!) but I’ve seen rave reviews for it all over and it seems like a sweet, geeky read.
That is SO CUTE! I read a lot of Regency romance and Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton series is great and funny – I think there are definitely scenes in them a guy would enjoy.
If he’s cool with a fantasy element, Katie MacAllister writes books that are so funny they make me cry. She also has this really positive and funny take on her sex scenes- her women characters are usually in a “whee! this is fun! let me tear off your clothes!” kind of mood, which I really like. She also wrote one of the most realistic shower sex scenes I’ve ever read (much trouble of figuring out where the legs go, knocking into things, and ultimately having sex on a towel on the floor). Men in Kilts is a good stand-alone contemporary with some fantasy elements.
Courtney Milan is my current favorite for historicals- really smart and funny, good strong female characters.
Or, pick something outrageously terrible like a Harlequin Presents with a sheikh in it or something.
Y’all I am going to take a minute here to brag on my 18yo. He is perfect. He got the ‘you are valedictorian’ letter from school but got mad when we praised him, since that was in the past and all he cares about is which colleges (some? please?) accept him so he can comprehend somewhat his future.
PRO PARENTING TIP: when your kid’s anger at you manifests as ‘stop hugging me’ and, the other day ‘which one of you left the oven mitt out after taking dinner out of the oven? now I have to put it away!’, it is not advisable to dissolve into a fit of giggles.
Anyway, I want the whole damn world to know that he’s a valedictorian & got perfect grades & perfect test scores & is co-starring (to great acclaim) in the school musical & cleans the kitchen & his girlfriend complimented my new hair color so clearly he attracts wonderful young women & he’s sooooo stressed about this ‘unknowable future’ thing and there’s no way to help without sounding patronizing so I sometimes make him waffles but generally – aaah! I think he’s great! I think he’s amazing! And I think he’s the one who struck out for these goals then achieved them, which is the only reason it’s not completely horrible of me to compose paens to him, since he’s the most self-directed high-achiever ever and that means bragging on him is only a little bragging about what an amazing mom I am (well, and his dad’s good, too), instead of my taking entire credit.
(Obviously I take the entire credit when I tell him that I’m proud of him. I make sure he knows that I think he’d be nowhere without me and sometimes* mention that nursing him for the first 30 months of his life is the reason he’s so smart and secure and affable.)
*never
/ridiculouslynonhumblebrag
This made me incredibly happy to read! Congratulations to your amazing son (and to you for being an amazing mom)!!
this is the sweetest thing ever.
He sounds great. Congratulations! And a valedictorian will definitely get into lots of wonderful schools
How wonderful! Of course you’re proud and want to brag! I so remember that horrible anxiety about the future and how huge and overwhelming it seemed. I think reminding him that he’s awesome and then making waffles is a good plan for helping him cope. Is there anything we can really say? Maybe something about how sometimes life doesn’t work out how we hoped, but what does happen is even better, that setbacks are normal, but that he is an intelligent, hard-working guy and he’s going to do well in life? IDK.
But congrats, dakimel, you have a lot to be proud of.
This is great! Sounds like you made a good one. Keep making him waffles, he’ll be alright.
Waffles is a good solution. This is so awesome!
Your son sounds wonderful, and thus he will be one of the few men spared when the Misandrist Revolution comes.
It’s good knowing there a wonderful, kind people out there wandering the earth. I wish the best for you and your family!
Given your advice to me above, I am not at all surprised that you have raised an excellent specimen of humanity.
ha! thanks
Thanks, everyone. I mean, I allude to things on FB or on my working-moms-board, but those places are populated with moms of other graduating seniors, many in my son’s class, so it’s way too tacky to constantly burble over with EEEE!! about him (their kids are superb, too, naturally. But mine has all of these ‘markers of success’ about him. Did I mention he’s an Eagle scout & spoke out against homophobia during his speech when he got his award?) (His gay BF has a hand in raising him through his high school years that can’t be overstated.)
(I CAN shut up. I promise.)
(Warning: I have another son, and he is also superb.) (He’s the one who hugs me when I cry at fictional things, which is always.)
Anyway, world: out there in the boring suburbs, there’s a great kid, and he’s going places, and I’m terrified and excited about it, and I thank you for giving me this space to burble over about him.
Omigosh, so sweet! You are completely justified in being so proud of your amazing sons.
Side question – what is your working moms board? I’ve been wondering about those, but the ones I’ve been to so far have been underwhelming.
Any other Toast moms have ideas on this too? Thanks!
This is mine: http://www.worknwoman.com/cgi-bin/dcforum2000/dcb…
We’re mostly a group that’s been around for a while (started posting w a bunch of these people back when the 18yo was maybe 2, eventually transitioned to this place one of us started) but new people are more than welcome.
That’s so sweet… I’m not tearing up, IM NOT
I love your son by proxy, after reading this comment. Good on you for raising such a spectacular kid! I totally understand his anxiety re: the future, but something that I wish I’d been told as a rising college freshman is not to buy into this idea that there’s a PERFECT college for you and you have to discover the ideal match. Most people can be happy and successful at any number of different places! Given his skills and smarts, I think he’ll succeed pretty much anywhere 🙂
This is the sweetest. I have a 6 year old boy and I am now looking forward to being as wildly bananas about him at 18 as I am at 6.
My little pooch is having his teeth cleaned today, and he’s being put under anesthesia and I am nervous for him, even though I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
He will be fine. Anesthesia always makes me a little nervous too, but he’ll be fine and maybe even less stinky after. 🙂
Thank you!!! I hope so.
Good luck to you and pooch. Everything will be just fine and he’ll be back before you know it, but I understand the anxiety anyway. Think of how shiny his teeth will be after!
Yes, I’m hoping to leave work a little early today to pick him up sooner. Thanks for the well wishes!
Mine is having that done tomorrow. I’m sure everything will go well, and here’s to less stinky dog breath!
Hey! Hey! How’d it go?
He did great! But he was very happy to see me when I picked him up. And a little woozy.
I’M SO TIRED AND IT’S COLD AND I’M TIRED OF BEING COLD. And I finally got sick of work enough to actually apply for other jobs! FINGERS CROSSED. (If I haven’t been in touch with my boss from my last job in the 2.5 years since I left, is it still okay to list her as a reference?)
However, Cibo Matto tomorrow night! My dad is coming in for the show and staying over, which means I have to clean the whole apartment. On the other hand, he will probably buy me both dinner and Sunday brunch. WOO.
Holla at old boss just to give her a heads up that you’re applying for jobs and would like to list her as a reference. Good way to get back in touch either way! And yes, totally fine, as she’ll be providing a reference about how you worked when you worked for her, not what you’ve been up to in the 2.5 years since.
Guys my workplace just released a report on the marginalization of people within our community that specifically called out the working group that I’m in charge of. I feel sick.
I have been trying this year to change my activism and beliefs from a passive sort of do-no-harm model to a make-positive-change model and I just am really seeing my failures now. Having that “I am part of the problem” realization is no fun, especially when I like to fancy myself some like big progressive. AH.
If you need me, I will be at the curb, awaiting collection with the rest of the recycling.
oh nooooooo… your awareness is key! and it means you definitely shouldn’t be sent out with the recycling ::picks you up, dusts you off, gives you a little smack on the hiney::
this report gives you an excellent springboard for making more changes in your activism!
Exactly! It’s just a tool to help guide future awesome efforts!
Yes to this – and to the idea of calling them all ‘hi, talk to me, help me fix not because you say we’re bad but because I personally think this is very important and something I have been working on but perhaps not in ways that are as effective as your ways’
You are aware and that’s key. Others would just boot that report to the curb, instead of themselves. It will be okay.
Thanks, guys! Sadly, the report just says that we need to work on being more inclusive, which we already thought we were doing. I will definitely be more actively soliciting opinions on how we could do better!
I really appreciate the support, toasties. Thanks.
maybe track down the team that made that report and see if you can work together to seek better solutions. be proactive about this! also, you are not trash or a recyclable. you are doing your best with what you have and knew at the time!
That feeling is a gift! I know if feels awful, but that’s because you’re a decent person who wants to do better. And now you can. And you will. Listen to that criticism thoughtfully, really understand it, let the howling shame-monster in your head cry itself to sleep so you can really hear the points your critics are making, and take them to heart.
Burritos! There is a local story about a group calling itself the Burrito Liberation Front who took over a local restaurant and are serving what they claim to be superior burritos. They still contain rice, so they are forever wrong in my Southern California eyes, but it’s a funny conceit overall. Still, the Maine/New Hampshire seacoast is not the place to get a decent burrito. When I go home to visit in a few weeks I plan on eating yummy Mexican food until I can’t fit any more in.
http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20140130-E…
http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20140207-N…
what! this is hilarious and weird. Kind of a good idea for restaurateurs needing a vacation, though?
It is hilarious. I can’t find any other reference to the BLF besides these articles so I think it’s more localized publicity stunt than actual “movement.” I’m tempted to check it out despite the rice.
Thought Toasties would appreciate this: got an email from this fellowship I’m applying to introducing us to the other applicants in the area in case we want to carpool to the interview in another city. All the people who’ve replied so far have been men and I was genuinely surprised because I guess I forgot men do things too. The misandry has taken proper hold!
Sounds like you might want to organize a sort of semicircle of women to put these dudes in their proper places.
This is perfection and exactly the type of witchy power of intimidation I will try to bring with me.
Just sort of a semicircle, though. An actual semicircle…who knows what might happen.
WHO HAS PCOS?
I’ve posted a few times about this, but I have to share more. I started using inositol as a supplement after reading a few promising studies on it. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19499845 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15251831
(for reference)
And I had my annual bloodwork done last week – my testosterone (free and total) dropped DRAMATICALLY from my previous levels, which correlates with my improved cycles and reduced facial hair and acne (and improved moods YAY!)
So I just wanted to preach the gospel of inositol… seriously guys, it’s the best.
so much PCOS… Maybe when I finally get off my ass and go to a doctor I will ask them about it.
the nice thing about this is that: it’s super benign, and is OTC. I got my inositol from Amazon and started it on my own, without doctor input (because I usually black out from rage when talking to a doctor about my pcos, they haven’t been very helpful). Sooooo… i know everyone’s supposed to talk to their doctor whenever they start something new, but most people I know did it on their own and are super stoked about the results.
Interesting!! Thanks for the link and the source.
I have regular periods, so no one thinks that I have PCOS, except I often think it. When you say reduced facial hair, do you mean the hairs that you used to have don’t grow any more? ‘Cause I could sure use some of that!
It means less of the wiry hairs (they don’t regrow as quickly/or again), and they’re finer as well if they do grow.
Girl. i am so late to this discussion (weirdly late) but I was trying to find a way to PM you and I couldn’t. You know how I feel about Inositol. It’s some great stuff; it helped get my shit together in the way I know you already have, but I also want you to know that it also helped me get pregnant, which I now am. I spent years getting the news that other people were pregnant at really bad times, and I am unused to being on this side of the fence so I hope this is ok information to get today, but I thought it would be helpful to hear that Inositol really did help me do this thing.
Not weirdly late at all! that is such exciting news!!!!! please feel free to email me at ms dot cvmcgraw at gmail dot com… I’d love to hear more!!!
Y’all, I had a rough night last night, but I woke up to a nice review of one of my books today! (Am I allowed to say that? I don’t want to be a promo jerk or anything. If I’m not, I’ll delete.)
Also, I would like to say how helpful it is that when I hover over my own user icon, it tells me that it’s me. This message of solidarity is welcome in such an uncertain world.
LINK TO REVIEW PLEASE, this is a happy place where we share good things that are happening to us.
Aw, thanks! Well it’s a three-book series, rom-com, and the second book recently came out. (The review will be a little spoilery, but not that much.) http://nikkibrandyberry.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/…. For a small author like me, getting any notice is pretty great!
Tell me about your nice book. I like nice books.
The first in the series is called THE DIMPLE OF DOOM, and it’s a rom-com about a depressed secretary/wannabe actress who gets involved with an art thief. Hijinks and sexy times ensue. It’s a feel-good romp!, she said in her movie announcer voice.
This sounds great. I’ma buy it and read it. I like art thieves also sexy times and capers. 😀
Wow, you’ve made my nice morning even nicer! I genuinely hope you enjoy it. *beams*
Is that a Temple of Doom pun? Because A++
Yes! And then Star Wars (The Dimple Strikes Back) and the third will be called The Wrath of Dimple, after KKHHHHAAAAANNNNN!
Congratulations on your review!
Thanks!
help I am at an all day workshop thing and the coffee is terrible! I don’t think there is any caffeine in it, but it tastes so bad I don’t even want to keep drinking it. And there is no good coffee to be had anywhere around here. helllllllllllp, must stay awake!
Can you go walkabout for a bit? I run (ha! fast walk) up the stairs at work when the sleepies hit. Will be doing in approximately 17 minutes, actually.
I see that delicious El Yucateco hiding back there.
And it’s Yucateco green, which is the superior Yucateco.
That is the delicious one. One time I got the brown “xxxtra hot” one and yeah, way too hot…and I like it hot.
Ah, the XXX! It IS delicious but, yeah, way way too hot on its own. HOWEVER I discovered one drunken evening that a few drops stirred into a puddle of ranch dressing makes an excellent dipping sauce for pizza crusts and chicken nuggets.
Goddamn I love dipping sauces. Ranch+hot sauce is one of my favs. Sometimes I have to go make more nuggets just to finish off my 270 degree plate-edge arc of condiments.
Toast! I got a couple bites last week, and I made this that I hope is public and that you can listen to! http://open.spotify.com/user/calledcal/playlist/2…
I don’t have a lot of hard music on my laptop, and I’ve been wanting to make like a million mix-tapes, so please enjoy it. In typical arrogant fashion Imma say this is a February mix for: crushes, being alone, being bitter, being in love, being tired, dancing away winter, imagining when asphalt’s gonna get hot, bruises, boots, liking Valentines or despising Valentines, conversation hearts, hearts like muscles sizes of fists, playing Kingdom Hearts, action movies, taking to the sky and fighting Mercury retrograde, candy, tacos and maybe shakin’ it a little.
Hope you like it because god, this week, this thing is the best thing I’ve done. Okay, 2nd, but that’s only because of a very nice Monday evening.
Ahh I can’t access this on my work computer (maybe I’ll try the toast on my smartphone later?) but thanks!!
Hooray! I wanted to 8tracks it or something but Spotify has taken over my life and I’m happy with its overlordship. I can also try and move it!
No spotify is fine (I just followed it from my phone!) I think work blocks most streaming music services anyway so no matter what it’d be a pain for me to access it during the day. Thanks for doing this!
Is it acceptable to shuffle this list, or should it be listened to in order?
Both are okay! I did make it in order but am guilty of shuffling EVERYTHING. I would basically end and start on any of the tracks, tho.
Whoa, I see from your (awesome) Tumblr that we live in the same neighborhood! Should we, like, get a beer sometime? I am always looking for more neighborhood friends!
(I am at work, so I’ll have to listen to the playlist later.)
!!! I would like that! thank you for the Tumblr love and I will admit to creepily know we are in the same neighborhood and am glad you are around the Toast more. (listen whenever you want). If you tumblr message me, I’ll send you an email??
(I hang out at Simone’s way too much, fyi.)
I guess I am going to have set up a Tumblr account!
actually, fuck it, I trust Toasties. carmen dot aiken at gmail.com. hiiiiii I like plans.
boo, I need new music but spotify isn’t available in Canada! wanna let me know what artists etc were on it so I can look them up on my own?
YES! So a track list is here: bonita applebum – a tribe called quest, imitosis – andrew bid, you never can tell – chuck berry, waltz #2 – elliott smith, black sheep – metric, i am trying to break your heart – jc brooks and the uptown sound, polite dance song – the bird and the bee, ms. fat booty – yasiin bey (mos def), can’t get blue monday out of my head – kyle minogue, ready for the floor – hot chip, simple kind of life – no doubt, not in love – crystal castles ft. robert smith, me van a matar – julieta venegas, i used to love H.E.R. – common, rill rill – sleigh bells, the card cheat – the clash, a new hope – blink 182, you! me! dancing! – los campesinos, i can change – lcd soundsystem, let me blow ya mind – eve, like a friend – pulp, lady, you shot me – har mar superstar , love child – the supremes, make her say – kid cudi ft. kanye + common, heroes – tv on the radio
I am so digging this playlist. An upbeat soul cover of Wilco!
listen to JC Brooks ALL THE TIME. he’s such a queer dreamboat. Also the video for this song makes me nostalgic for SOMETHING. The new album was great!
Also, I want nothing more than to live in this post all day, but my supervisor just came around and told us that if we get X amount of work done, we get to go home early… I AM SO TORN.
You can live in this post at home, dude! Get your work done so you can scoot out and enjoy the Toast from your couch with a mug of tea/wine/ice cream.
Seriously, run like the wind and come back to this thread. Early Fridays are the best.
Going home early on a Friday is the best thing in the world. Get your work done!
For serious, work like a donkey, get home and into pajamas, then be all “HEY WHAT UP, COCKTAIL THREAD IN PAJAMAS TIME” all afternoon.
Dear San Francisco Toasties (or anyone that just knows a lot about the area):
I will be staying in Oakland next weekend with my partner; we are visiting his parents. But we will have a car and SF is supposed to be very close. Can I get some recommendations on shopping/eating/doing? I would love to hear what strange and wonderful things the West Coast has to offer!!
Do make sure you do things in Oakland…! Which is actually really wonderful…! Or consider heading up to Berkeley, which also has many great / wonderful things (and is about equidistant from Oakland).
But, as far as specific recommendations (anywhere in the Bay Area), what sort of things are you on the market for?
I should have said that kind of thing in my original comment! See my reply to msjinxie below.
You’re presumably be overwhelmed by all of the glorious suggestions by my fellow Toasties below, so I’ll just contribute a little bit:
Re: cheese — IF your cheese predilections are high/low like mine (i.e., you like fancy cheese, but you want it in your macaroni / pizza), I strongly suggest you check out Berkeley’s Cheeseboard (AMAZING pizza, but I think they’re closed on Sundays) and Oakland’s Homeroom (fancy macaroni and cheese!). Also, I second Mission Cheese.
In Oakland, I strongly suggest you check out the Lake Merritt area — it’s the US’s first official wildlife refuge and is great (but not for the ornithophobic). While there, you can also check out one of my favorite bookstores ever, Walden Pond books, which is not far from the lake. There are also a number of fun restaurants, cafes, &c. in the area, too — it’s basically a tidal lagoon (thanks, Wikipedia!) in the middle of the city…
A couple of other good Oakland things — glorious Art Deco buildings in Uptown (see the Fox, mentioned below) and the Oakland Museum of California.
For SF, I’ll just offer one thing, which I think is sort of great, and, if you have a car, it’s maybe not to difficult to get out to… The Legion of Honor is a great (if super European-y) art museum of manageable size, in close proximity to good walking around — particularly, Lands End and the Sutro Baths ruins, which are fantastic. Also, with the ticket from the Legion of Honor, The DeYoung museum in Golden Gate Park is free, if you want to make a day of it.
That was also long, sorry!
The longer the better! The Cheeseboard place sounds like it has won my heart already. Thank you for all the great suggestions! I especially love the idea of going to a Walden Pond bookstore in California because I live quite near the actual Walden Pond here in MA. Also I have never heard of the Sutro Baths ruins, but judging by the name alone, it is the greatest most mysterious place on earth.
Oh man, you will surely get a TON of suggestions but first – tell us what sort of thing you like! Sweet tooth, cheese tooth, beer tooth? What sort of shopping would you be in the mood for? Do you know if you’ll be near a BART station where you’re staying in Oakland? (As it might be easier for you to come over by BART rather than dealing with traffic/parking in the city.) Give me some leads and I’ll give you suggestions.
Oh gosh good point!! Here are the things I love: cheese, bread, wine, chocolate, locally-made things, pottery, strange stuff, stationery, books, plants, science, nature, museums, art, skincare stuff. Not so much into beer, overly-crafty stuff, really expensive clothes, or sports.
There is tons of wine tasting within driving distance of Oakland. The California Academy of Sciences is awesome; they have four story rainforest dome you can go in. The Mission [neighborhood] has great burritos, and great used bookstores on Valencia.
Excellent! Two things that come immediately to mind:
Saturday Farmers Market at the SF Ferry Building. It’s huge and crowded and there’s always slow-moving families and yoga-pant-wearing rich ladies smuggling in dogs but wanna-be food bloggers taking pictures of produce but everyone’s there because it’s seriously awesome. If you don’t want to deal with the crowds, or can’t make it on Saturday, the FB is worth going to anyway as there’s a ton of great food (Cowgirl Creamery, Acme Bakery, a wine bar, seafood, meat, Miette Bakery, etc.) and it’s right on the Bay with a view of the Bay Bridge and the East Bay. There is parking in the area (and it’ll be way easier to park on a weekend than a week day) but it can be pricey; take BART to Embarcadero if you’d rather not deal with a car, it’s a short trip from Oakland. While you’re there, if the weather’s nice, you can walk up or down the Embarcadero to stretch your legs and see the sights/views (like Alcatraz!). If you walk far enough you can see the Golden Gate Bridge and Fisherman’s Wharf, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Other thought is an afternoon/early evening in The Mission. Tons of little shops of all kinds (clothes, art, books, music, kids toys, adult “toys”, etc.), so so much food and drink, great people watching. On and around 18th Street (from Delores to Mission) is a great focal point – BiRight Market is amazing, BiRight Creamery across the street has killer ice cream (and soft serve, via separate window, which always has a shorter line), Tartine Bakery is great but always a huge line, Delfina and Pizza Delfina are amazing, on Valencia near 18th is Craftsman and Wolves bakery, Mission Cheese (cheese bar!) and some chocolate place I can’t remember the name of. If you’re on Valencia take a stroll down to Paxton Gate to check out their collection of interesting garden things, science stuff/toys, interesting jewelry, and vintage taxidermy. Mission is also home to many excellent burritos and Mexican street hotdogs, a vegan taquieria (Gracias Madre), Mission Chinese, so many bars of varying quality and style. If you’re there during the day and the weather’s nice, get some snacks and bottle of wine and hang out in Delores Park with all the cute hipsters/stoners/familes.
As to the East Bay – I regret that I don’t know much but in Temescal, in Oakland, there’s a stretch of Telegraph with some stellar food, including Bakesale Betty (home of the justifiably legendary chicken sandwich).
Whoa, that’s a lot of words.
And I have read every one. Thank you! I am right now in the process of compiling a “The-Toast Dot Net Guide to San Francisco and the Surrounding Area.”
Bakesale Betty is good in that area – it’s very very good, and if you tell them that it’s your first visit, you get a free cookie. Be on time though, because they make exactly 1000 sandwiches a day, and after the bread is gone, they close.
If they do, go to Burma Superstar and get the tea salad. Or go to Pizzailolo and get one of the things on the menu. Or wander aimlessly, choose a place at random, and get good food.
Do you know what neighborhood you’ll be staying in? There is tons of stuff to do in Oakland (and Berkeley) without ever having to cross the bridge.
From what you said you like, I’d check out the Elmwood neighborhood in Berkeley…in one block (between Russell and Ashby), there’s local handmade chocolate (Casa de Chocolate), a great wine store (Vintage Berkeley), yummy ice cream (Ici), cute local art shops (Collector, Trickster), a great bookstore (Mrs. Dalloway’s), and there are two stationer’s (Elmwood and a Papyrus) plus stores that have cute home stuff (Gorgeous&Green, Therapy), and a few blocks down there’s a great bakery (La Farine) and a candy store that’s part of a chain but delightful (Powell’s). In Rockridge, there are great restaurants, bookstores (Pegasus, Diesel), knick-knack shops (Nathan&Co, Atomic Garden), etc.
Both of those neighborhoods are on the bougie side for Berkeley/Oakland, though. There’s tons of great food to be had in uptown Oakland and Temescal. There’s local art and jewelry and a teeny-tiny bookstore (and great donuts) in Temescal Alley, and uptown there are amazing restaurants like Duende, Flora, Pican, Hawker Fare, Plum Bar, True Burger.
Hope any of this helps!
I went to a show at the Fox last week and we stopped at Hutch for a bite beforehand – also very good! Tremendous bourbon selection and excellent nibbles (main courses were “meh” but their snacks were good and they have oysters!).
Yes, there are some GREAT bars around the Fox, too. I’m a big fan of Make Westing (bocce ball! great cocktails!) and Cafe Van Kleef (GreenGrasses, if you like strange stuff, you should check in just to take a look at all the taxidermy, ephemera, and weird knick-knacks absolutely jammed into every spare inch along the walls there).
mmmmmmm ice creaaaaammmm…. My man is from Castro Valley, so I think we’re staying near there? I can’t remember exactly where the hotel is. Thank you so much for all the recs! This is awesome and his parents had BETTER be down with spending whole days chasing my Toast-sponsored dreams.
Castro Valley is a few towns south of Oakland proper, but if you have a car, it shouldn’t be more than 20-30 minutes on the highway from Oakland and Berkeley, and there’s a BART station too that will link you to Oakland and the city.
ICI is the best place, the best. They have homemade cones, and they put chocolate in the bottoms so they do not leak. Also they have meyer lemon mint ice cream and earl grey ice cream and very nice vanilla ice cream for that one person who doesn’t like strange flavors, and they offer free tastes and it’s raining, so it will be warm inside and cold out of the street, the hot chocolate and affogato will be excellent, and there will be NO LINE.
Also the restaurant next door – Summer Kitchen – does some good California cuisine food – salads with actual heft to them, excellent cold dishes, good spelt pasta dishes, excellent pizza.
And there’s a hidden local comics shop called Tr!ckster – you have to go into the atrium right next to the Casa de Chocolate to get in.
Two things!
1) City Lights bookstore–historic Beat hangout, super browsable.
2) Smitten Ice Cream (in Hayes Valley). They make each serving separately with a machine that freezes it with LIQUID NITROGEN, so it ends up intensely creamy. They have interesting flavors, but I’d recommend the chocolate–it’s the most powerful chocolate delivery mechanism I’ve encountered.
Am I the only person on the Internet who feels relatively neutral about Jennifer Lawrence?
No! I don’t get it either. Like, she seems like she’s okay at acting, and it’s cool I guess that she is all “natural” in interviews, but often she just seems really weird?
I HAVE ISSUES WITH HER.
I am also neutral.
The cult of “ooooh, she talks the real talk!” around her mystifies me and makes me a little bit sad, because
A. it reveals how very contained we expect young female stars to be, how primed and polished and careful in their speech and demeanor they have to be just to get by;
B. some of the “real talk” rough edges she’s showing aren’t harmless or charming, as Jenny Trout so ably pointed out here (and got pretty thoroughly lambasted for it, too).
That said, my raised eyebrow is more for the aura of “OH GOLLY A NORMAL PERSON” that’s arisen around her appearances and less for Jennifer Lawrence herself, because, well, yeah, if I’d been famous that young, I would have spouted similarly unconsidered ideas and opinions unless some handler stopped me, and I would have thought they were refreshing and charming.
Y’ALL. Y’ALL. A CANADIAN WAS VISIBLY RUDE TO ME TODAY.
Over email, but still. It was quite uncalled-for.
The Winter Olympics brings it out in them.
This may be true; this person was a media contact for a winter sports association.
He’s just sad about Steven Stamkos.
I’M sad about Steven Stamkos. And today is his BIRTHDAY. Ugh. 🙁
I’m just being extra passive-aggressive tho
I’m sad too and I’m not even Canadian! He’s just so cute and earnest! 🙁
My instant mental response to this was “I hope this wasn’t me! If it was me, I’m sorry and it wasn’t intentional!”
So I think I can keep my citizenship. Phew.
I have an acquaintance who is Canadian, and she is seriously the rudest person I’ve ever met. This is why she is an acquaintance and not a friend. Technically her family is Romanian, so maybe that’s different, but she grew up in Canada…I tell myself she must be the exception who proves the rule.
Related to my last post, how the hell does anyone get multiple times off for interviews when your work hates you and barely gives you a 15 minute lunch every day
They don’t know you’re looking, right? Can you get a very very bad cold and try to arrange interviews over the course of 2-3 days?
That’s what I did today to get to my morning interview and I couldn’t even take the whole day off because I was needed in the office for urgent projects 🙁 (everything is urgent in advertising, even when it’s not ughh)
Elaborately faked illness: You have an appointment. You have a follow-up appointment. You need to retake some tests. No, it can’t be rescheduled, and if people ask too many questions, just give them a dead-eyed stare and say “I’m not comfortable disclosing health information at work.”
Yeah, last time I just did a combo of out sick and “appointments,” but one time I was looking for a job AND had to have follow-up tests to a doctor’s appt around the same time, and I think my boss thought something was really wrong with me. Oops.
In general, it’s tricky, and eventually your boss knows you’re looking, but doesn’t saying anything.
How did it go this morn??
Ugh I was TEN MINUTES LATE because public transit was absolutely brutal and there were somehow two different signal delays at the same time but other than that (which I don’t think was a point in my favour) it went well I think.
I got caught in that too! I was already late for work and then delayed like 15 mins… brutal day. When will you hear?
I have to go in for a follow up interview but I’ll find out if they want me to come in mid-next week
Good luck!!
I don’t work in advertising, but I sure feel you on the “everything is urgent, even when it’s not” culture. 🙁 We have a pretty laissez-faire vacation/sick day policy but almost no one takes time off because it’s such a BFD to have someone handle your projects when you’re gone. I hope you find a new, better job soon!
You are hereby blessed with terrible IBS, due to stress, that requires excessive bathroom/drugstore breaks.
Before I was management, I used to have doctors appointments. Now I would just leave.
yeah! go with something worse than a cold so you can take a longer period off. Something like raging vomit or “stomach flu”
I have also used the “appointment” strategy. This does come with the side effect that if you have too many your boss may start asking about your ‘condition’ but then you can just smile wanly and pretend it is too trying for you to discuss.
Plumbing emergency.
I’d go with root canal. That’s good for at least one appointment for the actual root canal, one for a temporary cap, one for a permanent cap, and probably one more “oops they had to fix something else.” And a few of those can even include “staying home the rest of the afternoon to let the sedatives wear off.”
Probably someone has documented their own personal root canal experience on the internet for you to borrow from.
If anyone is in Austin, there’s a comic book release party at Farewell books tonight. I’ve heard it’ll be fun (friend of a friend made the comic) http://mattrebholz.com/art-cat/comics/ to preview the art.
Last night I stopped into a donut place to treat myself, and I saw a couple link arms and feed each other donuts like they were in a jewelry commercial. As a single girl, I don’t know if now I believe in love or am disgusted with the whole concept. Happy early Valentine’s day, y’all.
The only response to that is to run up and take a bite out of the donuts.
Man, if I found a donut shop worth its salt (sugar? yeast?) around here, you can bet I wouldn’t be paying attention to ANYTHING but cramming as many delicious donuts in my mouth as possible, no matter how much I might love anyone who was with me.
I have a friend who plays on our tight-knit baseball team, and his wife passed away a few days ago in an accident. It’s really sad because they were H.S. sweethearts and married for 8 years and they’re only 27. Plus she was really sweet and would come to our games. We got together as a team and are sending flowers and donating to SPCA in her name. We let him know we are here for him but I’m a little worried about my one younger friend barraging him while he’s grieving. I read these really long winded dramatic messages he sent and I thought, dude, he probably doesn’t want to read all that right now. But I guess none of us know how to deal with this particular tragedy, I know I can’t imagine what he’s going through. Oh and then I find out yesterday that an old friend of mine lost his sister to cancer. I was a friend of the family years back. Basically, fuck death. And then I’m supposed to be working and I just hate going through the motions.
Oh, that’s so sad. I’m sorry.
Oh man, that sucks. I’ve lost three friends this year already (WTF 2014!?!?) and I don’t know how to deal with any of this shit either, so I offer commiserative internet hugs. I’ve been dealing with it by drinking daily and excessively, which isn’t working out so well for me.
Condolences. I drink to feel better too. May I suggest not being alone if possible, and maybe turn that excessiveness down to a non-healthy “enough”. Just a suggestion to rein it in a little, of course, on your own terms. You’re probably fine, I’m just empathizing because I have to remind myself to not get out of control. I mean we are still alive, it’s almost insulting to the dead to treat our living bodies poorly. However, it is obvious that alcohol (in moderation) is really good for our mental health.
I have made the same suggestion to myself several times. I will add “it’s almost insulting to the dead to treat our living bodies poorly” to my argument against myself when ordering next shot. Well put, and thanks.
Oh and here’s a slightly flippant suggestion: Eat bananas. They help with depression and I find that they taste quite pleasant.
Oh no. Oh, no. Fuck death. 🙁
So sorry – that really sucks. He will probably ignore the long-winded messages if he doesn’t want to see it. If you want to help more, either individually or as a team, bring him some food. There is a reason this is tradition – it really is hard to do things like remember that you need food, care that you need food, decide what food to eat, procure food, etc. Something non-time-dependent is nice, either a snacky thing that can be left out, or something that freezes well. Or take him to IHOP or something.
Probably friend isn’t even reading those messages, but it doesn’t take away from their psychic weight on the poor guy’s soul. If you think you can, be as blunt as possible with the youth: “I understand that we all grieve in our own ways but Pal is working hard to adapt to his own tragedy right now, and we can’t make him responsible for our mourning, too. Your messages are putting the burden of your sadness on him. We are his friends and our job is to support him and carry the load for him if we can. Consider whether your messages are helping in that, or hindering.”
I’ve seen friendships very damaged by ill-conceived displays like that. I hope it doesn’t happen with them.
Fuck death, indeed.
Comfort In, Dump Out
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/l…
Good things to remember or be reminded of. I think the messages were mostly from a supportive place and offering comfort, I just thought it was too much, and now I’m being critical of something that doesn’t matter much in comparison to everything else. It was just that young friend was rubbing me wrong by being so concerned with his own reaction and behavior, I said something like, “I guess it’s good you said all that, but now I don’t want to bug him anymore, he has his closer friends and family with him.”
Oh, no, I’m so sorry. That’s such a lot to pile on at once.
It’s great that your team is making a donation in her name, and especially great that you’re letting him know you’re there for him.
May I offer a suggestion? If this isn’t useful, please ignore it and accept my apologies.
When I’ve been grieving – and when I’ve been caring for a grieving loved one – a general “I’m here for you” or “Is there anything I can do?” was appreciated, but even better were specific offers or concrete acts: “Here, I brought you dinner. I’ll put it in the fridge, instructions are written on the containers” or “I shoveled your walkway” or “I’m going to the grocery store, do you want to give me your shopping list?” or “If you’d like me to watch the kids Friday evening, I’m free from 7 to 10.”
Grief is mentally and physically tiring, so even when you’re surrounded by well-meaning and supportive loved ones, it can be hard to figure out what they could do to help. Having them ready with some suggestions makes it much simpler.
And if you feel comfortable discussing the long-winded messages with the friend who’s sending them, it might be a real kindness. As lemonadefish points out, the model of “comfort in, dump out” is a simple message that can really help express this in a nonjudgmental way.
Thanks, that’s helpful. I think that, at least, organizing practices and games will help since baseball is our Great Distractor, turning adults with problems into children without cares.
There’s something really interesting I’ve noticed this week that makes me sad. With this work trip I’ve been spending a lot of time with this woman who is obviously very very intelligent, very kind, super sweet and helpful and good at her job. But almost every sentence out of her mouth is prefaced by “I’m sorry” or “If I may” or “I don’t know” and it weirdly makes me really sad. My boss has been gently coaching me to be more assertive and stop apologizing for anything except an actual mistake, so maybe I’ve been noticing it more in other people since. But man, it’s kind of sad when women (I’ve never seen a man do this, not to this extent) are socialized to be so self-deprecating and apologetic! Why do we do this? And I don’t feel like I can say anything to someone who’s 30 years older than me and who I’m only gonna see for a few days, but I feel oddly sad about it anyway.
This is so sad! And I totally get that “this upsets me but I can’t really do anything about it” feeling.
As a woman who constantly finds herself saying “i’m sorry,” I know for me it had to be an internal “why am i doing this?” kind of thing. We learn not to take up space at a young age… and it’s really hard to get over that.
And I know for me, and I’m guessing you as well, based on the lovely piece you wrote, that being in such a male dominated field only exacerbates it. Technology, you are so cool and I love you so much but sometimes you are SO FULL OF DUDES.
Thanks!
Yea, totally. It’s really… not my thing. There’s a lot of discussion about it on my twitter feed lately, but in tech, you’re either “that woman” (disruptive, angry, easily pigeonholed and dismissed as too feminist) or you’re “one of the guys” (co-opted by the patriarchy and complicit in the continued destruction of the world). I’d like to think that what I just wrote is incredibly hyperbolic… but then I see men’s responses on twitter.
Yeah, it’s shitty. My previous job was a lot better, in part because there were other women around. I feel like unless I switched to a more female dominated field, I would have many of the same reactions and experiences, but I don’t know if that’s true or just my opinion.
This may be a teeny bit PA, but I’ve found it worked with a friend that was stuck in that rut (and it worked on me): Start doing the same thing, just a bit, but catch yourself, out loud, and mention that you’re really trying to get out of the habit of excessive apologizing for things that aren’t your fault/a problem. It’s not an overt comment to make her uncomfortable, but will maybe plant a seed of self-reflection.
I once instituted a sorry jar (like a swear jar, but for unnecessary sorry saying) for a slightly younger colleague who I was sort of in charge of. It never really helped I don’t think, but it made me feel better… In your case though, that probably wouldn’t help. You could just tell her it makes you sad when she apologizes for things like that, but then she would just say that’s she’s sorry… I think it is done to maintain an non-threatening and ladylike mien.
Why not say something? It seems like you are pretty friendly with her. The next time she apologizes, just say, “I notice you apologize a lot,” and see what she says. Or tell her it makes you sad! Just because she is a bit older doesn’t mean you can’t say anything.
Well we’ve spent a lot of time together the last 2.5 days, but I’m leaving today. Maybe if we were going to be staying in contact after this or developing a long-term relationship, I might say something — but it doesn’t feel appropriate in this context.
Bob Costas is back on my TV tonight. It is a good day.
You like Bob Costas?! Wait — are you Bob Costas?
What’s wrong with Bob Costas?
I neither like nor dislike him, but I consider him an important marker of time past. The network trots him out every so often for important sporting events, and then he goes back to his wee cave to rest. Wouldn’t be the Olympics without him, eye funk or no.
THE EYE I CAN’T STOP STARING AT HIS INFECTED EYE AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
We started a drinking game in my household for every time he says something about or we are distracted by the eye infection.
Maybe he’ll say Pussy Riot on TV tonight like he did last night. Best thing ever.
Bob Costas <3 <3
Really looking forward to Valentine’s Day, when Netflix releases season two of House of Cards, which I will be binge-watching alone in my apartment.
Burritos: I live in a desolate wasteland of NO BURRITOS that are not Chipotle or utterly sad. What is wrong with you, Pittsburgh?
Also, I have hit the annoying point of pregnancy where all my clothes are horrible, all I want to do is eat dough and cheese, and I wake up every time I have to move at night. Please commiserate with me, if possible.
I only wake up the first time I have to move, AND THEN I STAY AWAKE FOREVER AND EVER. Nothing wrong with eating dough and cheese though! Unless your baby doesn’t like cheese. Picky little brat. Clothes-wise, I’ve decided to just not really look in the mirror while dressed. Which is kind of a shame, because I think my belly is hilarious, and it’s too cold in my house to ever be naked. Also I have one non-maternity dress from Target a couple years ago (basically a tube of black jersey) that looks amazing so I just wear that as often as I can clean it.
I have five Old Navy stretchy shift dresses that I’m just rotating through. They’re cute enough, they feel like pajamas, I can throw a cardigan over them and be warm enough in my office. I spent yesterday gazing at maternity clothes online and haaaaating them and feeling my soul die.
How far along are you? I’m 20 weeks. Halfway! yay?
26 weeks today!
Okay wait, get your tush over to Madonna’s in downtown Pittsburgh and then we can talk about Pittsburgh being a wasteland where there are no burritos.
Ok, I will meet you there. My mental health is riding on there being at least one good burrito place I do not yet know about.
Well, hell, I catch my bus at 5th & Wood, so why have I not been to Madonna’s yet? As soon as it’s warm enough for me to get back to bussing it, I’m on it.
Just know that someday this form of awful will all be over.
I’m seven months pregnant, and the no sleeping thing has gotten a lot worse, but Unisom helps some, and so does having a body pillow. I have this thing called a Snoogle.
Old Navy and H&M both have maternity clothes that are not horrible or super expensive. ON has the best maternity jeans I’ve found, although I’ve had to hem them all because I’m 5’4, and I guess they expect all XL pregnant ladies to be giants.
I miss sleeping through the night so much, and every time I mention it people are like “well get ready!” and I want to hit them.
Oh, that “sleep while you can! harharhar!” stuff is infuriating. This is my second, and I can tell you that the sleep I got after my first was born, though brief in duration, was the most delicious and immediate sleep I’ve ever had. I was out the second I closed my eyes, and I stayed asleep until I had to be up again. It was the best, and it almost (but not quite) made up for not having enough successive minutes of sleep in a row for longer than I liked.
I did get a foam mattress pad this week and it’s my new best friend. I have a Snoogle, along with a tiny travel pillow I use as ventral support, but I can’t figure out how to maneuver the giant Snoogle into bed with me + largish spouse + cat who is always exactly where I want my legs to be.
Fellow pregnant in Pittsburgh person, I have no burrito recommendations, but I want to commiserate on the state of the sidewalks. Cold, eh, who cares? But the sidewalk ice, good grief. Pittsburghers are conditioned to think the ice will go away on its own, and meanwhile we are toting our giant abdominal growths to bus stops over vile, insidious, thawed-the-froze-again slicks. (My giant abdominal growth is 34 weeks, and he had hiccups this morning.)
Hell, yes. Entire swaths of my campus have been given over to land-based icebergs. I’m parking on sheets of ice. My husband is obsessive about salting and shoveling, so the tiny stretch in front of our house is lovely, but beyond that is Hoth. You win all the Intrepid Awards for still bussing it in this weather and at 34 weeks. I’ve wimped out and been driving and hating every second.
Oy, hiccups. My first had them throughout the third tri and he was firmly wedged head-down, so it was like my ass had hiccups.
commiserating with you! I’m also 20 weeks (halfway for reals!!!!!!!) and I finally caved and spent a bunch on maternity clothes, because my job is not the kind of job where leggings + sweater dresses will get you there. Agree with the stretchy, rayon stuff in general. Also, what it up with maternity stockings?! They all suck and run immediately, even the heavier tights kinds, and they feel all cheap and itchy! And are not even that loose on the belly, so sort of make me feel yuck-o. WHAT IS THE POINT, PEOPLE?!
I justified my spending by saying that this is my first and I’ll probably (hopefully?) need these again some day, but for now, I figure I can cobble together 6 or 7 outfits and go for it. Also, I’m all about the bread and cheese, but my doc says that I should be careful about the carbs if I want to “get [my] mojo back” (her words) when this is all over. Love her to death, but ughghghgh I’m usually a vegetable person like whoa, but in the past 4 months, it’s pizza (or maybe rice and beans) or bust. Plus side is, if you buy a few maternity tops and one pair of black, respectable-looking pants, all of a sudden you feel like a human again, a little more.
Godspeed!!!! We will get through this. And then the hard part will be over and we can just be moms!
0_o
Thank you for justifying my avoidance of maternity tights. Last time around, I discovered that American Apparel tights have the world’s most enormous rise, and I wore them throughout. This time around, I need fleece tights, and the footless ones seem to have more leeway for hiking up and over.
I am pointedly ignoring your doctor. Your “mojo” can wait. Your parasite needs what it needs.
Godspeed back atcha!
I am halfway through my new embroidery project, which is a lilac coloured “Treat Yo’Self” on blue, in cursive, which I will give as a prize to somebody next week at Galentine’s Day party.
Also I’m going on a second date tonight and am FILLED WITH DREAD D:
I’ve found that “dread” tends not to be a sign of great things to come.
haha yeah PROBABLY. But I think it’s more a “ME ANXIETY” about trying to date someone I actually like for the first time since leaving a truly horrific relationship rather than this person being dread-worthy. I think they’re actually completely decent and THAT is why I am so scared!
I apologize, then – I’m just projecting my own dating ambivalence. Anyway, try to relax, have fun, and remember it’s just a date! It’ll be ok!
That is an excellent prize.
I teared up all over the end of Gaudy Night by Dorothy L Sayers again, and have finally started reading Busman’s Honeymoon.
Placetne, magistra?
Placet.
auuuuuuuugh I wish I knew French and Latin auuuuuuuuugh.
Lord Peter is my fantasy husband.
Isn’t he everyone’s?
oh my god I knooooooooooooooooooooow he could prattle on at me all day.
Oooh, i found an annotated thing on that online somewhere–it’s “Does it please thee, mistress?” “It pleases me.”
Yeah I looked up the Latin in Gaudy Night and I just cried all over them.
“Does it please thee, holder of a master’s degree.” Which is MORE ROMANTIC, somehow.
SO GOOD
I am too lazy to google this, but has someone ever done an annotated Lord Peter? Because all of the quotations make it so much richer, and I know I’m only picking up about half of them….
RIGHT??? I pick up a fair bit but not enough.
I don’t think it’s been done — there’s this guy, but he’s just a fan who created his own website: http://planetpeschel.com/the-wimsey-annotations/
I want to make this happen. Oxford University Press — you owe Sayers some celebration.
I found the “letting the tiger out of the cage” business to be super-hot, as well as the neighbor lady’s assessment of Lord Peter’s physique. I think she describes him as unmanly in his lack of hairiness, but I found it adorable.
I had a huge crush on Lord Peter for years, but I re-read Gaudy Night a few years ago and, sadly, I found their relationship annoying this time around. 🙁 It’s all a bit too much for me now, maybe because now I’m a bitter spinster rather than a hopeful young ‘un. But also, all that quotin’. I think I’d prefer Bunter for myself now, actually.
The egg dishes and photography alone.
I am so annoyed that I have to be at work today, annoyed that I keep getting asked “are you a lawyer” after being licensed for five years, and annoyed at the general lack of respect my job gets from all sides. Rage.
Also, I’m wondering if I’d get in trouble here for putting a bright colored streak in the under-layer of my hair.
I work at a firm (lit support/IT/para), and wonder the same. It’s incredibly conservative, but fairly biz casual. We rarely have clients in the building.
I have to keep myself court-appropriate, but I kind of figure if I keep them subtle …
Mostly I just want something different, my look is boring me these days.
I’m trying to up my selfie game. I got a surprising number of pretty good ones last night, but found that in the best ones, I see a lot of my paternal grandmother. Kinda makes me feel like a poser, because if the pictures I’ve seen are any indication, she was the most unbelievably beautiful woman in the world when she was my age, and it’s like, how the hell is it that I look like her and also like me? I swear I’m not fishing for compliments here; I guess the point of this story is that I miss my grandma.
Photos where you look shockingly like relatives are delightful. My parents have Christmas stocking holders that have photo slots in them, and my mom has photos from when we are nine years old. My mom at nine was the CUTEST THING, and my dad was the CUTEST THING, and my husband was the CUTEST THING, and I look deformed. I think we are unable to judge the way we really look.
I miss mine, too.
Trying to up your selfie game is an extremely laudable goal.
Hey Toasties! It’s been a good week – my new place is coming together, the Olympics began, I started listening to lots of great podcasts, and one of my best friends got hired at my company.
This year I have one more week of vacation time than my fiancé, and I think I might take a trip to Chicago by myself. Anyone have tips for having fun there? Where to go, where to stay, what time of year is best (not summer), etc. If you are a Chicago Toastie, I’d love to hang out!
I was there in April last year (for NeoCon) and it was very pretty. I just went where I was taken though, so no real tips… Lots of cool architecture if you’re into that. Lovely museums and such.
Late spring or early fall but Chicago is a fickle, fickle creature so it might just be 30 degrees there at any point out of sheer spite. It is a great magical place though regardless of weather! What sort of thing are you into?
Everything. We are the best city. What do you like to do?
wooo chicago woooo
don’t come now, is tundra. >:|
Okay so I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars, and I didn’t cry at all, though it was affecting. Does this make me a monster?
In other news, I got my Library of Congress Reader card, which was like 10 kinds of fun because I’m a librarian and I got paid to go do that.
Also, I’m kind of really enjoying my fitbit? Like I haven’t lost any weight, but I like knowing how active I am, and I think I’m going to try to start pushing myself more, soon (I’ve mostly just been trying to get it to a solid level so far). A couple of people I work with also have fitbits, but I really don’t want to make them my fitbit friends because… I feel like that would be weird. Or is that just me being a weirdo?
I don’t cry (often) when I read, even if I can acknowledge the book was upsetting/affecting, as you say. I have The Fault in Our Stars on my kindle but I’m a little hesitant to read it, I’m not sure I’m in the right headspace for depressing teenagers right now!
I was inspired to do it because I want to see the movie when it comes out, and also my wife loved it. But i can see how you would have to be in the right headspace for it!
I just got one! My Zip came in the mail today. It’s cute and magenta and I’m hoping it just inspires me to move more.
No need to be any kinds of friends with anyone at work. I’m sure you can find some other fitbit friends!
Oh, so the nice thing about FitBit is that if you lose your tracker they might replace it for you for free. Which is pretty fucking awesome.
How do you make this happen? Do you send them an e-mail that says “I can’t have nice things because I lose them. Please send me a new nice thing”?
They have a thing on their website on how to find lost fitbits and the last step was to email them, so I did and told them I’d tried everything and asked if they had a way of tracking it. Then they said they’d replace it for me.
Thanks! Trying this right now!
I cried, but I have been crying at literally everything now.
It doesn’t make you a monster. I mean, John Green didn’t realize how sad the whole thing was until he saw the movie filming, so there’s that.
Sharing in weight loss with anyone can be awkward and weird. At several of my works, we’ve done company-sponsored weight loss challenges, which is fine, but that ends up being all anyone talks about which gets tiring.
I enjoyed it deeply, and was sad at the sad parts, but I definitely didn’t cry.
Then again, I cry at weird things, like The Patriot and Deep Impact, so, who knows, really?
I cried, but I felt bad/manipulated about crying–I was crying about stuff in my own personal history, not about the characters in the book, if that makes sense. You are not a monster.
How are there already over 400 comments to the open thread? Holy schamoley.
Got to see Laverne Cox speak last night at my university. She was fantastic! I was hoping she’d talk more about class, gender, and politics, but mostly she spoke about growing up non-conforming. Considering her audience (mostly undergraduates), it was the appropriate choice. It was still great to hear her speak, though, and such an honor to be in an auditorium of people all fighting their own battles with/for their identities.
I’m still kind of on a high from the Seahawks Superbowl parade on Wednesday in Seattle. Have you ever been in the midst of 700K ecstatically happy people? I had not! It’s kind of amazing to feel that much positive energy.
I felt that way last year when the Ravens won the Super Bowl. 🙁 There’s always next year…
Congratulations though! It really does bring some awesome vibes to a city.
I could barely watch it on the news from work. That many people is one of the only things that can throw me into a panic attack.
I was already apathetic about the whole Super Bowl thing, and then I had to go to work on Wednesday morning.
Downtown.
My public transportation nightmare.
I didn’t really have a problem getting to work, I took an earlier bus and other than being more crowded than normal it was pretty easy getting in, and then I worked for a while before heading out for the parade. Getting out of downtown was quite another thing! I stayed down here and partied with some friends for a while, took off around 9pm and the crowds had cleared out of the tunnel by then.
Yeah, in retrospect, it wasn’t actually that bad, but I’m one of those people for whom riding the bus is stressful enough as it is. No need to add hoards of even-more-enthusiastic Seahawks fans.
Sounds like it was a good party though!
WE WONNNNNNNNNNN
(is what I keep yelling in my head)
I didn’t go (except when I ran into the parade when I was trying to get to work) but we could hear the music in Westlake park in my office, and I may or may not have been watching the livestream. Honestly, I could just watch a feed of Marshawn Lynch riding the hood of that duck and throwing skittles at people every day for the rest of my life.
Last night my puppy TALKED BACK TO ME, in the sense that he was being really needy and I was like “Puppy! Chill out!” And he responded IN CADENCE w a similar tone to mine? Like a snippy teenager? WHAT??? I guess the Q is… Toasties, can your dogs talk too?
My cat makes pissy little “mrh!” noises when we yell at her.
Yep. Respond the same way you would with a kid/teen – lock eyes, raise brow and stare down. Or walk away and ignore. Both get the point across.
I like to have conversations with my more annoying cat! I just repeat back everything she says. We can go on for a good ten minutes sometimes!
He responds when I bark at him. Like, I’ll come home from work and he’ll bark angrily at me to let him out, I’ll bark at him in a reasonable tone, like I would use to say, “come on, cupcake, be nice!” And he’ll bark back more calmly.
The first few times I did this, he did a head-tilt at me, like he couldn’t believe I could speak dog.
My cat put his foot on my boob last night, and when I called him out at it he rolled his eyes and stalked off. Also, when my roommate and I get home from work, most evenings he will start meowing at us. We’re aware that he’s probably being a little snot about wanting to be fed, but we operate under the assumption that in fact he is asking us about our days, and telling us all about the neighborhood goings-on, so we respond in kind and have full conversations with him.
So, yes.
So my trivia team won FIRST PLACE at our very difficult, very nerdy, very competitive local trivia last night and I feel like this is the best place I know to brag about it.
Go you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome!! I stopped going to trivia night because there was this one team with like 8-10 people that won every single fucking week. Captain Teamo you are my nemesis! Not that you know that…
Anyway, we won first place one time and it was what I imagine athletes feel after being good at athletics. Anyway, congrats!!
Ugh yeah I used to play with a total of three people at a place that didn’t have a limit on how many people you could have on your team, and it’s like YEAH if you show up with 12 of your closest friends I would hope you know most of the answers! Our new place has a 5-person limit per team, which is just about perfect.
Thanks guys!! 🙂
Brag acknowledged! Shiny happy smiles and ticker-tape parades being held in your honor, as is just!
I’ve been really stressed about money lately because of student loan payments, and I just found out that I’m getting a considerable amount of money for my tax return. Part of me wants to be responsible with it (put it in savings, use it for a few month’s worth of loan payments, or completely pay off a credit card) and part of me wants to say “fuck it” and take a vacation. I’ve never been out of the US (or even to most parts of the US) because I’ve never had money to travel.
I feel so conflicted. I want to Get Out There and travel! But I also don’t want to worry about money.
I hear this! My partner and I solved the dilemma by putting most of the money in savings and then taking a short weekend trip. You get away for a bit, but you’re still being pretty responsible. Or, you can use some of the money to pay off real things and then use the other to start a savings account for a future trip abroad. This is gonna sound MEGA STUPID, but if you find a really amazing picture of a place you want to go and you hang it somewhere, it’s easier to put money toward it!
Maybe put half of it (or a third, or whatever portion works best for you) into a Special Vacation Fund, then plan a super amazing vacation to take in a year or two. That way you get the joy of planning (and soon taking!) a vacation, but still have the peace of mind of knowing you didn’t spend all your money on it.
Save half spend half? Save 3/4 spend 1/4? Pay off your credit card, then save half of what’s left? That’s probably the best one.
Pay off the damn card! Do it! You know how great that will make you feel? So responsible, but also kick-ass.
The rest of the world is cool, I do not debate that, but it also turns kinda slowly & will be there a while. The only problem is, so will your debt, and the longer you don’t face that, the longer it’ll be before you can take guilt-free trips (which are always more exciting and smug-happy-making.)
As someone struggling to pay off mountains of debt (car, student loan, credit card): Pay off the debt. It is guaranteed to get worse the longer you leave it (especially the credit card debt, holy fuck) and having that hang over your head tainting all future plans is super shitty. Pay it off, pay it off, pay it off. …But do take a /small/ amount and treat yourself to something nice with it. Dinner out? Fancy shoes? Mani/pedi?
I totally hear you. Although I am about 50% certain that my student loan debt is going to outlive me (I even have a life insurance policy to protect my next-of-kin who would assume my debt). So every month when I’m making those payments I’m always just like “what is the point, I’m never going to see the day when this debt goes away”.
oh my god that is awful. Ugggghhhhh. Eff student loans. My big drain is my credit card bill, which really irritates me because (a) even with my good card, interest rates are much higher than loans and (b) how did I not notice I was sliding into credit card debt? Seriously, self? Seriously.
Damnit, I was hoping you were all going to tell me to take an elaborate vacation. 🙁
With my return, I can pay off the credit card in full (it’s only like $700) AND take a 5-day vacation to Costa Rica. I think that’s the “best of both worlds,” so to speak.
That sounds /perfect/. Yeah, get the card out of there- my experience has been that credit cards mushroom so. fast.- and have yourself an awesome trip!
I like this plan. Credit card debt is icky, so get that gone, but I feel like it can be better to travel sooner rather than later- trips add so much to the memories and stories you have, without taking up space in your apartment. Plus time off is definitely a finite resource.
Currently living for: dressing up like a trash baby post-punk vampire and going to see Vampire Academy in Canton tomorrow.
Until then, ERRANDS. And HOUSECLEANING.
That sounds SO GREAT.
Toasties! Question!
So, I work at a coffeeshop, and almost every morning, there’s a guy who comes in who is creepy– like, he says normal-ish things but in a highly flirtatious tone, which makes all of us super uncomfortable (and hard to call out, because the content isn’t inappropriate, just the tone)… and then he gets his coffee and sits in the corner and stares us working for twenty minutes before leaving. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he’s always the first customer we have. Really gets the day off to a bad start.
Is there anything I can do or say? I’m taking the icily polite and generally non-responsive route right now, but it’s frustrating.
ugh, i’m sorry this is happening. i also work in food service, and these guys are insufferable. it’s worse when they WON’T LEAVE. icily polite/non-responsive is really the way to go. plausible deniability is pretty key when it comes to keeping yourself safe from someone who clearly doesn’t understand what is appropriate behavior.
we had a guy like this for a while and he’d always try to engage you in flirty discussion. eventually all the counter staff agreed to:
1) straight-up ignore his questions
2) say the bare minimum of our service script in language that wouldn’t lend itself to innuendo (ie “what was your order today?” instead of “what can i get for you?”
3) move IMMEDIATELY onto the next customer if one was available, or busy ourselves with another task, even if it was fake (ie “hey [coworker], can you explain this to me?” before turning our backs on him)
it might also be worth mocking-up the corner where he usually sits (or the seats closest to the register, or wherever) to make them look like they’re already being used.
also, the SECOND he sets a millimeter of toe over the line into inappropriate, ensure that you have a united front of employees and management letting him know in a neutral, icy tone that you have the right to refuse service to anyone and could he please leave.
yeah-elle has the good advice, but if possible give him decaf. That always made me feel a smidge better towards those guys
Tonight is date night/early V-Day. First V-Day when we are both over 30, which means that my decision that the date would be a show that starts at 11p was kind of brave. Let’s see how this goes!
I am back from holiday after a week without the internet or even looking at a computer screen, which was bloody lovely. Nice to be back encatted as usual, but I miss the boy! (He lives 300 miles away, so spending a week up at his counts as holiday). Not looking forward to going back to work but I do have a whole week of toasting to catch up on to procrastinate with!
Late to the thread today, but if anyone cares about my lipstick question from the last thread (or the one before?), I have now tried numerous overpriced lipsticks and haven’t really loved any of them. I have pretty pigmented lips so the natural peachy colors I want don’t work that well. And they make me look even more sickly pale than I usually do. Like a face with no lips? Anyway, I did really love the formula on the Bite Beauty lipsticks, so if anyone else is looking for moisture I’d say give those a try. Also, while I was at Sephora I asked a lady to swatch the ambient lighting powder shit that is all the rage and I fell for it, like a chump.
So that leads me to my questions. How does one balance the desire to look/feel pretty with the desire to not give a shit/feminism? Like, if I get fancy finishing powder, because I want to look pretty and shiny, do I then have to buy concealer because my eyes look tired? Concealer isn’t fun, but I’m so tempted by the idea of that “look” that is totally unachievable. I know it is! And yet…maybe if I had some really good concealer.
/ramble
This is what happens when I am late to the thread.
Concealer is a tool of the patriarchy!
I think doing what YOU want to your face is way more a function of feminism than some arbitrary “boo makeup bad for women” sort of idea. I think my bright red lipstick is both attractive and says “I slather my lips with the blood of my enemies.” Use concealer! Don’t use concealer! But do what make YOU happy. Happy people doing what they want without oppressing/hurting others is a hallmark of true freedom.
i read something once about tattoos/body mods/personal style/makeup being like, “i own the house, i can paint the walls whatever color i want,” and i find that really valuable, personally, to be honest.
it can be hard to separate the (i think totally human) desire to be attractive from the (totally socially constructed) emphasis on PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY that girls and women are barraged with…but mostly repeating “this is me, DOING ME. get on with your fine self, self” works pretty well.
This. I have a drawer full of prettifying stuff, that I break out on occasion, but there’s really no rhyme or reason to it – it’s just about whether I have the time/desire. Basically I just do my brows and lips. Perfume, when worn, is solely for my own pleasure. My tattoos are for me.
I like that motto! I should get it tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
I balance it by wearing the minimum effective dose of makeup. As in, I want to give the illusion that I wear makeup, but without having to glop lots of stuff on my face. I have gradually perfected this formula, which for my face = under-eye concealer and powdered eyeliner on my top lid.
I also subvert the whole thing by making my own eyeshadow/liner out of activated charcoal and refusing to adhere to a cleansing regimen aside from washing my eyelids to remove the tiny amount of makeup. Sometimes I rub some jojoba oil on my face, but that’s it.
You make your own eyeliner? That is awesome!
I have to admit, I did just buy some monistat cream that is supposed to be a cheap alternative to primer. I kind of like the idea of rubbing chafing cream on my face and saving money. Like a big middle finger to capitalism and patriarchy, except not because I still bought something to use as primer…
i tried this and it made me break out bigtime!! let me know if it works for you!
Well it’s basically just silicone, and I’ve heard plenty of people having the same reaction to silicone products.
….. somehow I never put that together. ha.
Well, when I say I “make” it, basically I just bust open an activated charcoal capsule and dump the powder into a little pot, then apply it with an eyeliner brush. I’ve seen recipes that make an actual cream eyeliner but I am too lazy. But yeah, most of my hygiene/beauty regimen is intended to flip capitalism the bird. I am constantly looking for ways to not use beauty products. And then when I do use them for special occasions, it is like I am treating myself to something fancy! Bonus.
Note: I still use commercial deodorant and toothpaste, although I have experimented with giving up both on various occasions.
Trying to mentally distinguish from makeup-for-fun and makeup-for-shame has been helpful for me. Like, it’s fun to wear makeup and achieve certain looks. But if I feel like I’m applying makeup because I’m somehow ashamed of my face, then I try to do some introspection around that (and go to work without makeup a few days in a row).
I mean, I don’t think any kind of makeup is “bad feminism” but not being ashamed of my body (and face) has been an amazing project for me.
Likewise, I remove my body hair sometimes, because conforming is sometimes easier for me, but not because I actively think being hairy is ugly.
Anybody want to talk about The Body Project by Joan Brumberg? I just finished it today and have some feelings. It was good but I wish there was more. The Beauty Myth left me with the same feeling. The issue is that it felt a little like preaching to the choir? Like I already knew a lot of this stuff because it’s been in the social consciousness since the book came out almost 20 years ago and I had the privilege of parents who never put the pressure of beauty standards on me themselves. Also I wanna know more about poor women and women of color since she mainly worked from sources about middle-class and white girls. Any recommendations for more up to date and more inclusive books about this topic? Or any dealing with the same thing but looking at boys?
I love The Body Project and I recommend it a lot for people who are not very into history or up-to-date. You’re right in that it relies mostly on middle- and upper-class white girls simply because those are the records that exist and we have access to, thanks to several decades of, you know, issues of discourse. So I cannot recommend any further readings on the topic (honestly because I haven’t read it since my undergrad courses) but did you have a quick peruse of her sources? You may be able to lay hands on some more in-depth discussions that would cover deeper issues.
Masculinity and image is a whole different kettle of fish that is nowhere near as developed so I don’t know if there’s an accessible, readable version of the same topic aimed at studying boys and men.
Thanks! I don’t begrudge her focus on middle-class girls since she addresses it directly. The sources were pretty helpful and will make my reading list grow by a billion. One book looks particularly interesting, Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade . The site for the book also has a related reading section with around 15 other titles.
And I think maybe a search around j-stor would yield some more recent work about how the internet, cell phones and social media factor into all of this.
Her other book on anorexia also sounds like a good read, have you read that?
Did you read The Girls Who Went Away? It’s an interesting oral history on the same topic, and again very readable. (Except in a horrible gut-wrenching way.)
I own it but haven’t gotten to it yet. An old hairpin list made me pick it up, actually.
Oh my god! I almost forgot! The Ulfberht sword that was my back-ordered Christmas present finally arrived yesterday! It is BEAUTIFUL. Unfortunately, my boyfriend ordered it sharpened, and I am kind of afraid of it right now. It is so, so sharp.
I have a sword. A SWORD!! I was going to say my life is complete, but in reality now I just want other swords too.
ULFBERHT!!!!
I loved the documentary on that! That’s the greatest!
I have previously mentioned i’m in the last throes of CA Bar Prep, and TOASTIES sometimes the practice tests will throw questions at you designed to trigger your liberal/ misandrist rage and force you to override your “personal bias” and side w The Patriarchy because of LAW.
FOR INSTANCE, “Here, the man’s intoxication negated his intent to commit the crime of rape. While rape is a general intent crime, attempted rape is a specific intent crime, and thus the man’s voluntary intoxication is a sufficient defense to the crime.” i.e. HE WAS TOO DRUNK TO ATTEMPT RAPE = SET THE MAN FREE.
OK / end rant.
grrrrr….
that is terrible.
WUT
NOTE: If all the lawyers in the coven becomes Judges and/or Toasties becomes Legislators, we can CHANGE THIS LADIES
I am so here for the Toastie Misandrist Law Firm.
No Joke, while I was visiting the bfs fam in FL over the holidays I saw a local ad for a MENS RIGHTS law firm that only represents men in divorce / child custody / reduction of alimony cases. We were both SPEECHLESS. I’m still not sure that’s legal…
My pt being, I’m comfortable using that scene from American Horror Story where the coven descends Cesar-style on the Ax Man as our promotional material.
I would like to be a participant in this movement. How do you think I go from Big Law lackey to Judge/Legislator with revolutionary powers???
Also, and maybe more importantly in the specific, the bar is going to be fine and you are going to kill it, but you don’t even have to kill it, all you have to do is not fail it, and if you’re obsessing over practice questions now, you’re probably well on your way to not failing. If possible, TRY to psych yourself up and not out, and get lots of sleep and brain food in the last few days. Some exercise if that’s your thing. And you are VERY brave to be taking CA, so really, just stay off the fb if you have friends who are taking other states, else you will want to murderize them when you have one more day to go and they are all done.
Go get ’em!!! Legalistas of the coven unite!!!!!
Note: I originally read your motivational speech as “if possible, TRY to psych yourself up and not GO OUT”.. and I’m like LADY IM DRINKING TEA & STUDYING COMMUNITY PROPERTY @ MIDNIGHT ON SAT and then i realized thats not what that said and I laughed and laughed 🙂
but THANK YOU SO MUCH! My brain hurts and I can’t think of anything clever or witty to respond w at the moment!
Ugh. I’m also really curious as to why the two are treated differently… do you know the law/precedent why?
They’re making a distinction between an “Attempted” crime and a completed crime. Attempted crimes have a different standard of intent, and you can use the defense of voluntary intoxication to say you didn’t INTEND on doing something (i.e. you were just drunk/ didn’t mean it). This is a basic principle that could be applied to any attempt crime, but the practice Q used an attempted rape crime specifically to trigger all your Feminist Anger Pts in hopes of clouding your lady-judgment from a “rational analysis”. In this case his defense was he THOUGHT there was consent (i.e. drunken mistake), did not INTEND to rape anyone… –> Emoticon feelings :-/ D-: >:-O
I have calmed myself down slightly by rationalizing that lady in the described scenario could most likely win a case of sexual battery + false imprisonment + intentional infliction of emotional distress, although it would be for money damages in a civil case rather than imprisonment of an ATTEMPTED RAPIST.
I have so much simple syrup and no idea what other cocktails to make with it. But I made French 75s last week and they were great and I’m going to drink some more tonight if I can just get more gin!
French 75s are my House Cocktail!
I just looked up French 75, for some reason I thought it included St Germain which I can’t get. But it doesn’t! And it sounds so tasty!
The first cocktail I ever drank (not counting sips of other people’s) was a French 75. Last week in fact. But I know you’re not the friend who made them because she still has a significant quantity of gin in.
I don’t know if you’re looking for non-cocktail ideas too, but my primary use for simple syrup (like, the reason I have a dedicated bottle of it always in the fridge) is for lemonade and limeade: a squirt of syrup in a glass, add juice, and fill up with cold water or sparkling water.
In hot weather, when I know I’ll be drinking lots of lemonade, I often make the syrup, then drop in strips of lemon zest while it’s still warm (not hot!) so the syrup gets infused with all the rich citrus oils. It’s delicious, but obviously not quite as versatile as plain simple syrup. Also reeeeally good brushed on cake before you frost it.
I am spending this whole weekend writing love letters to the important people in my life. The list of people is . . . somewhat shorter than it used to be, which turns out to be a good thing.
And then I am making ALL THE COOKIES and when Valentine’s Day rolls around I will be heading out in the freezing cold to leave cookies and hot chocolate and love letters on people’s doorsteps like a goddamn elf.
I love this holiday, guys. It is totally cool if you don’t love it, I get all the reasons why and respect them, but I really love having a day where my big tradition is playing Cupid.
This is so lovely. 10 GOLD STARS!
Uhhhhh so update I got an email about a phone interview for one of the jobs I applied for this week???? WHAT? This has literally never happened to me before. (I think it’s one of the ones where I am overqualified but it still pays better than my current job.)
Can I do a phone interview in my office with the door closed or is that a dick move?
WHAT IS HAPPENING?????
DO IT GIRL. CLOSE THE DOOR AND LAY OUT YOUR AWESOMENESS. GO GO GO
DO IT.
I live in constant workplace anxiety so doing a phone interview in your office sounds like a direct ticket on the stress train. If you are somewhere hidden and aren’t twitchy about people walking in on you, maybe? Otherwise, is there a quiet coffee shop close by you could hide in? Do you drive to work (and could talk in your car)?
Speaking from much experience, the best place for phone interviews is in the “business lounge” of a nearby hotel, if you have one handy.
Help me travelling (and/or DC) Toasties!
1. I am going to DC next weekend and am overwhelmed by the thought of all the free museums. Which ones are the best and where should I eat in between them? I am a very food-focused traveler. Also panda-focused. The zoo is my one requirement, and I have a reservation at Founding Farmers already.
2. Does anyone have experience planning long-term travel? I think I might finally (finally!) have enough money saved up to live out my dream of “quit job and fuck off around the globe for a year” but am slightly lost as to how to actually get the practicalities in place to make that happen. Personal tips? Blog recs? Would likely be travelling with boyfriend.
I dont know that they have specific financial recommendations, but the hairpin solo lady travellers series would probably be helpful (and also super inspiring). Or, there are a lot of posts on thehairpin that might be helpful. I LOVED this one: http://thehairpin.com/2014/01/seven-months-alone-…
I love the gem and mineral area of the Smithsonian. It really just depends on what sorts of things you like! Animals? Space exploration? The post office? There are museums for everything!
I am extremely pro-sparkly thing so gems is a definite plus. Also animals! And aquariums. And maybe the Newseum but I think I went there on a 7th grade field trip and my memories of it are vaguely unsatisfying.
Portrait Gallery is the absolute best, bc the art is beautiful and all of them have bios and backstories! Plus the atrium is one of my favorite places on the planet. Also somewhat under appreciated, is the Botanical Garden which is a delight in the winter time bc its so cold outside and the orchid house is downright tropical. I also recommend doing the ice skating rink in the sculpture garden but note that the food they serve is overpriced and underwhelming. Not too far away though, is the amazing French bakery Paul which has so many yummy things! I used to live 3 blocks from there and now I’m super nostalgic…
I LOVE the Botanical Gardens
All of these sound amazing.
Portrait Gallery is a GREAT choice, and the other half of the building is American Art. They have great stuff, and the temporary exhibits always seem to be top-notch.
One non-free museum I love is the National Museum of Women in the Arts on NY Ave. I think it’s about $10 to get in, but that’s $10 for feminism, so. (I also have a couple of free guest passes because I used to be a member. If anyone really wants to go–they can be yours!)
Can’t help with the long-term travel thing but I am obsessed with the DC zoo, it is the best zoo ever (no, shut up, I will fight all of you about this). I also love the Natural History Museum, they have a terrifying taxidermy room and a giant exhibit on dinosaurs and an insect zoo that is the best/worst thing. But yeah, you pretty much can’t go wrong with any aspect of the Smithsonian.
I will actually be in DC next week too, but it’s for work so no museums for me. 🙁 🙁 🙁
Seconding the National Zoo being the best! I miss Nancy the elephant. Do you?
It has PANDAS how could it not be the best (unless it is lacking red pandas and/or Bolivian titi monkeys, my other favorite).
NOPE totally has red pandas, the best kind of panda. Also maned wolves, which are soooo good. (Apparently I’m super into animals with really misleading names?)
Well after walking around the zoo, walk north on Connecticut to Palena’s coffee shop and buy a doughnut. They are light and airy with lemon zest, and so good.
What kind of food are you looking for? Do you enjoy the thrill of restaurants who refuse to take reservations, but are still more upscale and very popular? (Try Rose’s Luxury in Eastern Market, ok the description is true but it is very good, new, cool place, many watering holes nearby while you wait)
Best Coffee: Peregrin
Best Cupcake: Baked & Wired
Best Bougie Food Court: Union Market
Also someone mentioned the Portrait Gallery. Go there. They have a great exhibit from a national portrait competition. Afterwards you could try ramen at Daikaya, or fancy Japanese pub food at the Izakaya upstairs. Or go to Graffiato if you are into top chef.
Rose’s Luxury is also on my list! We are thinking about going on Friday for Valentine’s which might actually be insane.
I went on a Saturday and got there a bit before it opened. There was a line, but we easily made first seating. This was back in November though, so maybe it has picked up since then? .
While you wait you could get rakia cocktails at Ambar, check out the Bison heads at the bar at Beuchert’s Saloon, get a cupcake from Sweet Lobby (also very good), or grab a pop tart from Ted’s Bulliten. Good array of options down there!
Oh my GOD. *adjusts imaginary tour guide hat* MUSEUMS ARE THE BEST. You should definitely go to the Zoo, it is wonderful and full of delightful animals and great in so many ways. Note: you need to bring some snacks, or buy expensive Zoo snacks. Also, if you start at the top of the hill/Connecticut Ave. and end at the bottom by Amazonia, and then have to walk all the way back up while hungry and your traveling companions are whiny, well. It will not be a great ending. The pandas, frankly, are kind of boring, but the red pandas are super cute and energetic, AND ALSO one escaped from the Zoo in, like, August? And was rescued running across Connecticut Ave. or something equally worrying and charming.
MUSEUMS (these are all on the Mall and all theoretically possible in one day):
→ Do you like fucking awesome rocks, dinosaurs, animals, and weird nature things? Go to the Natural History Museum.
→ Do you like ~AMERICA~ and artifacts and history? American History Museum.
→ PLANES AND SPACESHIPS??? Air and Space Museum (the one on the Mall, because no weekend tourist has time to go the bowels of Virginia to the Udvar Hazy thing) (also there might be a huge line there).
→ Modern art and also a cool building designed by I.M. Pei? East Wing of the National Gallery of Art.
→ Not-Modern Art (ugh sorry what is art) in an Old Cool Building I Always Get Lost In? West Wing of the Nat. Gal.
→ Sad, Inadequate, and Weirdly Lumping-Everything-Together Native American History? American Indian Museum, I guess, but it’s almost better if you just stay outside, look at the cool architecture, and imagine a wonderland of detailed, thorough, and individualized displays and facts and well-utilized space. (DEEP SIGH.)
→ Plants? The Botanical Gardens thing is cool, but small.
→ Looking at people hanging out with lots of books in an amazeballs library? Go to the Library of Congress (caveat: I have only been inside the LoC to do research, not on a tour, but I bet it’s still cool, and also you won’t get lost in the nebulous underbelly).
→ I’m losing steam in this overwhelming comment, there’s a lot of art to look at and I don’t know a lot about it, go to the Portrait Gallery like everyone else is saying.
→ Really just walk around alllllll the monuments and tidal basin and reflecting pool and all that jazz. Showy as fuck, but still, pretty cool.
It is twenty past eight on a Friday evening and I am in the library reading about Donald Judd and looking up ‘gestalt’ on the online dictionary. Oh man, being a perpetual student is marvellous in many ways, but I need to manage my time better. I am still young and fancy- free enough to feel like this is not how I want to spend my Friday evenings. I mean, it’s not like if I wasn’t in the library I’d be hanging loose at the rollerskating jam with my posse eating sherbert and checking out the fly honeys. But whatever I was doing I’m sure it would be more exciting than this*.
*it probably wouldn’t be more exciting than this.
I am about to set everything on fire and take to the sea. I don’t have access to my computer today because we’re replacing the carpet in my office with wood floors (yea!) And I’m trying to get by with a phone, a tablet, and/or a netbook, and they are all useless garbage. BUT NOW I think I have changed my avatar and can successfully comment.
My husband refused to go to lunch with me while I was wearing this panda hat because I guess a giant pregnant lady in an adorable hat is just TOO MUCH, but it is so warm you guys.
I have had so much fun following and talking to all the Toasties on Twitter. Follow me @noxmunk. Who else should I add? Am I following you already?
I’ve added you to my Toasties list, too! I’m @embryoconcepts, if you like…
I love having Twitter-Toast friends! I forget sometimes who I’m already friends with, haha. I’m @figwiggin.
@combledore!
I’m the same there as here (and just sent you a follow request thingy 🙂
It is twenty past eight on a Friday evening and I am in the library reading about Donald Judd and looking up ‘gestalt’ on the online dictionary. Oh man, being a perpetual student is marvellous in many ways, but I need to manage my time better. I am still young and fancy- free enough to feel like this is not how I want to spend my Friday evenings. I mean, it’s not like if I wasn’t in the library I’d be hanging loose at the rollerskating jam with my posse eating sherbert and checking out the fly honeys. But whatever I was doing I’m sure it would be more exciting than this*.
* it probably would not be more exciting than this.
LOL UM… is your Friday Night Fantasy Beyonce’s “Blow” video?
As literally the last person in the world to watch any of Beyonce’s new videos, and now having done so, I can confirm that yes, that is exactly how I to imagine my Friday night would be if I wasn’t wading through ‘Specific Objects’ like the neo- avant- garde mind- treacle it is. Only I would not be wearing booty shorts and there would be more sherbet.
I bought the Anatomy of Melancholy recently and I feel like this every time I pick it up. <3 Say, are there historical woman encyclopediests? I must go research this now.
It’s been so cold here (ok ok, only in the low 30s) and I’m so glad it’s almost the weekend so I can stay in bed all day with tea and my kitty.
My mom posted a picture of her outdoor thermometer yesterday morning: -37. And yet I’m still complaining about the “cold,” just like the rest of these pansies. Augh.
Ugh, I need to complain. I work in an office with approx. ten other women and one guy, and it’s nice in a lot of ways, but my female coworkers are SO gender-essentialist to our one male coworker and it makes me cringe. The other day he was helping carry some stuff out to a coworker’s car, and he was holding her purse, and our other coworkers made playfully-mocking comments like, “Oh, you look so pretty, [dude]!” “Tell everyone it’s a man-purse!” “Don’t let your wife see you like that!” Yadda yadda yadda. And it makes me feel so mad and tired but I have no idea how to speak up about it because a) just about everyone participates in that except for me, and b) I don’t think it bothers him, and c) it’s all so jokey that I don’t think anyone would understand my complaints if I spoke up about it and I’d just look like a killjoy. Just…ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
UGH!
What about the strategy someone said upthread for the coworker who apologizes “sorry – oh, wait, why am I sorry?”
“Nice pur – oh, you know what that’s kind of gender-gross, I’m sorry [dude] bap me if I do that again”
I wouldn’t necessarily assume it doesn’t bother him. There was a while where my boyfriend-at-the-time and I were working at the same non-profit. The founders were men but almost all the other employees were women. One of the other women especially would always make comments about how he was the big strong man so should lift whatever thing, and other kinds of gender-essentialist nonsense, and it definitely bothered him but he didn’t see any way to say anything about it. That case might have been worse, as he looked very masculine, and identified very non-binary, but still. Maybe object in a semi-jokey way? As in say “Guys, I think his masculinity can withstand holding a bag” in a “that was a weird thing you just said” tone of voice. It’s a tricky thing.
YES YES to your last suggestion – a general “I think his wife would be okay holding someone’s purse for a minute” type of thing.
As someone who’s very shy, I was also thinking he might not like it just because it’s all this mocking attention on him. Having someone deflect these other women and tone down the teasing might be appreciated even if the sexism isn’t what’s bothering him.
I’ve gone with “gee, way to enforce gender norms” in a joking kind of voice (half ha ha, half “are you really serious with this”?), which has gone over fine in my workplace (not entirely sure it was understood completely, but maybe it helped?)
Alternatively: gee, I haven’t heard this much about what counts as girl stuff and what counts as guy stuff since I hung out with my 5 year old nephew/ was in kindergarten/ other appropriate attribution
That is f*cked-up in so many ways — one of them being that, in crappy old-school 50s gender normativity, it actually *was* the man who was supposed to frequently carry the ladies’ purses and whatnot because that was chivalrous. So your coworkers have graduated to gender essentialism without the helping/thoughtfulness aspects of it, just the truly crappy limiting parts.
I’m with some of the other commenters’ suggestions: “Uh, I would really *hope* his masculinity can withstand a purse!” or, “guys, I think he can take it just fine!” — that sort of thing. Definitely wouldn’t explicitly say anything about gendering or gender norms, because that can backfire really fast. Good luck — I bet he will appreciate it and it will be good for the office if you can redirect everybody a bit.
Real weird week this week. Chiefly, learned a few unsettling family things by accident, via soap-operatic coincidences. Gonna try to wash it all away with Oscar-nominated short films.
A loved one in my life is having major major major existential ish right now, and I want so much to be able to help but don’t know how. The biggest problem is that this person is unemployed and hates having free time _but_ is against the idea of taking another job that isn’t their passion. They have no idea what their passion might be, which makes things difficult.
Toasties in general seem to be passionate folks, but is there anyone out there who just didn’t really know what their interests were and went through a recommendable process of figuring it out? My person wants a Plan in life, but without an End Goal, they feel like they’re just drifting.
Your loved one would make a great volunteer for the org s/he’s most passionate about.
I wish that could help! For now, they’re not interested in volunteering for obvious financial reasons.
Not exactly what I meant. Sorry for not being more clear. Volunteering is the “job” Loved One does while looking for the next paying job. It takes up the free time, relieves drifting, provides an outlet for passion, frees thought-space from worrying to shift to contemplating next steps and End Goal. As a volunteer, time off for interviews is never a problem.
Following my partner around the country for his career means I am job hunting every other year in locations where I have no personal contacts. My first week in a new location I look for the nearest Planned Parenthood or somewhere else I can volunteer my personal passions. This method has been road-tested for years and years.
Best wishes for you and your Loved One.
So this may be partly the two bottles of wine I shared with my parents talking, but I’m into month 4 after my strategic retreat from The Big City of No Jobs, and living at home again at 26 is…kind of awesome? I eat a lot better, drink WAY much better, and although my parents carefully don’t get into my business just the awareness of them being around is enough not to wallow too far into depressive inactivity, which was my wont when underemployed with roommates. Also my parents are Great People. I feel kind bad for not wanting my independence more than this – but also, no rent and free wine.
My firm is publishing a treatise, and I am the lackey doing all the editorial work, because I have the right combo of OCD and decisiveness + love of Chicago Manual of Style. We got back the first round of page proofs from the first volume ever and now I have to review them. ughghghghghghghgh.
I would rather be reading the Toast all day.
lady those are some very rare talents, and even though its terrible it seems like they got the right #BOSS to handle it 🙂
So my big thing this week was to contact potential therapists, but naturally I chickened out and didn’t go for it. I found a few to email but then got nervous and thought maybe calling would be best, but then couldn’t figure out how to call and vet therapists while at work with thin walls and no room to escape to for privacy, but then got nervous about emailing and round and round we go.
I am going to try again this weekend, with the assumption that I can spend infinite amounts of time crafting an email to send to them and not feel bad about doing that on my employer’s time. My other problem is that I’m not sure how many to contact at once? I’ve never gone to therapy and I’m wondering how many I should cold-contact to make sure I’m casting a wide enough net to get the care I need, but not so wide that I end up spending all my time in the next few weeks at appointments. I was thinking 3-4 but taking suggestions.
Oh sweetheart! I would NOT worry too much about crafting an email. Just say a thing or two – if it helps, you are offering to pay this person $$$/hour, not asking for a job. It’s ok, they have seen lots and lots and lots of people, including people with way more issues than you. Just do it! Sounds like you think a lot. *Try* to think just a little bit less.
I would also KISS it. Contact two at once, the most promising of the bunch. Therapists appointments can, in my experience, be quite tiring, and seeing 3-4 different therapists in two weeks would be overwhelming. I would imagine that most people will have time to see you. If not, you can reach out again.
Good luck! Therapy is awesome.
Thanks! I actually ended up contacting one who I really liked, but made a list of others to reach out to in case she’s not available. I think I needed someone to tell me I was overthinking it, so thanks for that.
good luck! Just remember, they don’t have to be similar to you (gender, cultural background, etc) to be good therapists for you — sometimes it’s really great actually to have someone of the opposite gender or of an older generation. Though they should understand enough about your culture/background/issue to be insightful.
Guys! I got accepted into a bookkeeping program for next year! If I don’t get full-funding from the PhD program I also applied to, I am totally going to college (community college to you Americans) to get skills and a real job title with no less than three double-letters in a row.
An observation: I love how we Calgarians pretend, when the weather warms up from the -20C and below it’s been all week to a solid -14C, that it’s suddenly a burst of spring. I just speed-walked from my office to the mailbox a half-block away in my 3/4 sleeve blazer and noticed at least three other people doing short errands while not appropriately clad. One guy I saw carrying a bag of muffins back into his building was defiantly not even wearing a jacket, just his button-down and khakis.
Is this a common phenomenon everywhere, or just “Winter Cities”?
Note: I went out wearing only my blazer because my office is apparently directly over the fires of Hell, or something. I had a space heater on all summer and now I have to wear fleece-lined tights in order to take the train in the morning and am clawing them off myself by lunch. The -14 was a nice break.
Well, it was about 20F yesterday, which is extra cold for where I live (like seriously it does NOT get that cold) and I ran to the coffee shop wearing running shorts! Not sure how that data point works for you.
we do it in winnipeg, too, although we don’t get the sudden warmth mid-february that you do. (“freezing hellscape” is the best description of winnipeg from late December to early March.) March and April are bad months for getting sick due to dressing too optimistically for the weather.
Hi fellow Calgarian Toastie! I saw one kid out yesterday walking around sans coat and was baffled, I was dressed like the little brother from A Christmas Story.
I also love how Calgarians freak out every time it snows and forget how to drive.
Hey everyone. Long time listener, first time caller. I met my mom for lunch and then we went to a wine store and spent a good chunk of time buying alcohol. I love mom time. Happy Friday! Nice to meet you.
<wave> Hiya!
Hello! That sounds great!
I don’t know why I feel the need to brag about this but: On my lunch break I went down to the Walgreens near my office that does immunications and got caught up on my vaccines! I get a flu shot every year, but I was way overdo for a TDAP and I wanted to get the Chicken Pox vac. since I never had them as a kid, and the vaccine wasn’t around until I was in my late teens. Soooo many people I know are having kids now, which was a good motivator for me to do something that’s been on my to-do list for years. Plus, my insurance is awesome now thanks to Obama and it covered both shots entirely! Yay! Everyone go get vaccinated! You’ll prevent illness and maybe even get a lollipop!
Wait! I have another thought.
My job involves two things: Long term, strategic goal setting (“goal setting” being “we want to work on this issue” and doing on and off research about it to eventuallyyy make a big change when the politics are right) and meeting lots of people who I may meet in June and then never see again until December, but I need to know who they are and what they’re about when I meet them again.
Actually that sounds a lot like I’m a legislative aide, which isn’t entirely off the mark, so pretend I’m a leg aide, ok?
My question for the Toasties is, how do you keep track of the long term goals and all the people?? And how do you organize the people so that it’s easy to find them? The easy solution to this seems to be “Buy a notebook, dummy!” where I can paste in business cards and write notes about the person (but then how would I find someone again?? Maybe an alphabetical address book?), and another to keep track of goals, long term projects, issues we’d like to tackle one day, but I was wondering what other ideas you had? I already have a “daily tasks” notebook and a “important trainings I took, meetings I attended, accomplishments I had” notebook, so to get more notebooks seems ridiculous but hey, if ain’t broke…
I haven’t used Evernote a lot, but it seems like it would be good for something like this. It can certainly act as a notebook, but it’s searchable. You can make different projects and add a page within each one with the relevant information for each person.
I guess a regular database or excel could serve the same function, but Evernote would let you add photos of business cards or whatever to make data entry easier.
I’ve heard of people using evernote to manage huge amounts of data like, for PhD research, but didn’t think of it for something on a smaller scale like this. Thanks!
Maybe take an hour or so, think through the next six months in terms of long term projects and set some goals / milestones for yourself. Basically ask yourself “if this project went well over the next six months, what would that look like in terms of a schedule?” Then set calendar reminders at intervals designed to help you keep things moving along? I love calendar reminders and automating as much of this kind of things as possible. Likewise, I’d put all the contact information into Gmail or Outlook or whatever you’re using, and then make groups for each of the various things, so you can remember who’s involved and reach out to them directly when the time is right? I love hand-writing for actual learning of things (so, like, when you’re doing the research), but for tracking over time, I want it all automated, because my short-to-medium term memory is no place for important things. . .
I do try to keep my contacts in outlook with notes if I need it, but I work in a small world I’ve realized and I want to be able to take everything with me when I move on (although that hopefully won’t be for awhile). The calendar reminders are a good idea, just to keep things bubbling on the back burner instead of sitting idle…
Thanks!
I need an opinion on something!! So, my birthday was Wednedsay and my boyfriend is coming to stay with me this weekend (he’s temporarily out of town for work) to celebrate. Previously he told me he wanted to take me out to this really fancy restaurant for my birthday, and made an offhand comment about that being his present to me. I should mention here that this would have actually been a really lovely present, I love food, and I’ve always wanted to go to this place but it’s not something I can actually afford so I would have liked that.
However, and this is where it gets tricky, I assumed that he was joking. This place is really fancy (for those of you that live/have lived in NYC it’s Park Avenue Winter and I’m an admin assistant (and his salary is the same as mine) so that’s not somewhere I can actually afford usually) so I figured we would split it (I had saved up to have fun on my birthday so I was going to pay for it this once). But no, he was actually planning to pay for the whole thing + drinks so I could get all dressed up and just enjoy myself. Again, super sweet but I had no idea that’s what was going on.
So he was all excited that I liked the idea and told me to make a reservation and so I went to do that and realized it was closed temporarily. I told him that and he told me to pick somewhere else that I really wanted to go (he isn’t familiar with the restaurants here and he knows I’m picky). Again, I figured this was just a regular split the checks thing so I picked a random place that we went to once (I think he bought me brunch there but maybe it was the other way around) that, while definitely more expensive than where I usually go (again, for reference, it’s Joseph Leonard) wasn’t all that special. He sounded surprised (probably because he was expecting me to pick somewhere way nicer) but because he wanted me to pick exactly where I wanted he went with that.
Fast forward a few days to 10 minutes ago and we’re chatting on the phone and talking about birthday plans and I make a joking comment like “so what did you get me” and he was like “I’m taking you to that brunch place!” and I was like “um?”. Which is when I realized that this was a serious thing and that was my birthday present and that he had wanted to take me somewhere fancy where I could dress up where I wouldn’t normally go I picked this brunch place and if that’s what I wanted he was going to make it happen. Just so you know I am a terrible liar and give everything I’m feeling away so it was suuuuuuper obvious I was not thrilled with finding out my present is going to some random brunch place and he felt like an ass for getting me a crappy gift (since he thought it was what I really wanted).
And now I’m not sure what to do or how to salvage the situation. Am I being really greedy? I have literally never been in this position, he’s a great gift giver so this was a weird surprise and also kind of my fault for not realizing what was going on. But also he should have known that I wouldn’t have expected this. Toasties! How do I fix this so that I don’t spend all of tomorrow feeling slighted and he doesn’t spend it feeling crappy that I didn’t like his gift???
TL;DR I didn’t like my boyfriends birthday gift to me and it’s a little my fault as I picked it out myself but I didn’t know it was a gift and now it’s awkward and please help!!
Aww. I hate getting into awkward miscommunications like that. Can you explain that you thought it was just a regular birthday meal, not a present, and change the reservation to something more like the first place?
Thanks! I saw this right before I went to pick him up from the bus so we talked about it and I explained the miscommunication and we switched the reservation. He was hurt at first but once he understood that it wasn’t the idea that was bad, just that I didn’t know what was going on and so didn’t pick the best place he felt much better. And we ended up having a really great time.
Ugh. Agree with Beckie: This is awkward, but probably best bet to salvage and have a mutual win is to change the reservation. Some thoughts for comparably nice places (some variation, so you’ll have to vet for yourself here): Hearth (probably one click less nice, but we looooove it), Nobu, The Spotted Pig, Gramercy Tavern, Vinegar Hill House (I think? never been, actually, but friends swear by it), that weird but awesome Korean / French place in Chelsea-ish, STK, maybe Babbo? Or Batali has some other seafood place that we really liked. Marea (maybe a little more expensive than Park Avenue [Season] but delish!)? Call the desk, plead birthday + reservation mix-up, and see if you can get a spot. Bonus points: they may give you a dessert or something for your birthday.
Then tell your guy you realized you didn’t want to squander his birthday generosity on some average place, and you made a new reservation at X place, and does that work for him? If the place you pick is a little pricier, maybe be prepared to supplement a little bit?
Thanks so much for responding to me! It was super awkward and his feelings were hurt and first but once we talked it over I was able to explain that it wasn’t the idea that was bad (it was an amazing idea. my favorite thing is food so going to a fancy restaurant is a great gift for me) we picked a new place. We ended up going to lure fishbar and then he bought me birthday drinks in the evening it it was all wonderful. Instead of meeting him and going straight there I convinced him to come home first so we could chat and figure everything out first and I think that helped. I also think it helped that I almost died because the food was so awesome so him seeing me clearly enjoying myself was really nice.
Thanks so much for all your help and ideas, I am a TERRIBLE communicator so it’s always nice to have a second opinion on how to resolve awkward miscommunications.
I think the best starting point is to realize that neither one of you can read minds. It sounds like his original intent was good- he just should have said something like “I didn’t want to get you a thing, but I’d like to do something nice for your birthday- how about I take you out to <fancy place> as your present. So, appreciate that, because it seems like he totally would have nailed the present thing if not for the follies of the universe.
So just tell him straight that you didn’t understand his intention, would he mind going to <xyz place> instead? Mind reading is hard for everyone. And hopefully you’ll have lots more birthdays together to get it right.
Which is to say, I think Beckie and Pwickup have it right. You want a nice birthday dinner, he wants to give you a nice birthday dinner- don’t go to the brunch place if that’s not what either of you wants!
Thanks, I just responded to Beckie and Pwickup above but I picked him up and had him come home with me first (instead of going straight to brunch) and explained that I didn’t realize it was a present and now that I know what his intent was could I pick somewhere that made it seem more like an event for both of us. And once he understood (I’m a terrible communicator, especially when nervous so I definitely rambled for like 15-20 minutes) he felt better and we picked a new place and it ended up being a ton of fun. Thanks so much for your help and advice.
Toast advice: how do you prep for interviews? I mentioned upthread that I’m going to an interview soon, and it just really hit me that it’s on Monday and I’m starting to get nervous. I’ve never been super confident in my interviewing skills, and I’d love any wisdom you have to share! If it helps, it’s for a fellowship that places people with environmental NGOs in Asia.
Askamanager.org is a great site; there’s tons of advice about interviewing and job searching and all kinds of stuff. good luck!!
Second this. I downloaded her interview prep pdf and it was helpful. Also calming, since she basically gives you a set of things to work through, which helps direct the nervous energy.
Thank you! The interview prep guide really helped calm me down and has been the PERFECT channel for all the nervous energy I have right now. I feel much more prepared now!
Yay! Good luck at your interview!
I got some really good advice from a friend once on this and I think of it every time I have an interview. In an interview, you want the interviewer to walk away with clear answers to three questions: 1) why us? (as in, why do you want to work for us?) 2) why you? (as in, why would we want you to work for us?) and 3) why this? (as in, why do you want to do this / why would you be good at this?).
Think through your best case to get this information clearly across, and then suavely work these pieces into whatever questions they ask you, to the extent possible, without making it super awkward, obviously. And know a fair bit about the company and about the possible positions. They’re probably going to ask “Do you have any questions for us?”, so being prepared with some thoughtful questions that demonstrate current engagement with the issues at substantive level (e.g. “I noticed X important thing just happened in the news. I was wondering if you could tell me how you see this affecting Y about your organization?” but there are lots of other good options) is probably good too.
And wear something you feel great in!!!!! Work-appropriate great, obvi.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks! This is super helpful. I really love that framework – having an overarching set of things to communicate makes it seem less intimidating. RANDOM QUESTIONS CANNOT THROW ME.
Now to go pick out my work-appropriate great outfit!!
Yessssss. I live right downtown in Detroit, so I can suggest meeting spots downtown. I also have a car and regularly go to Ann Arbor. I'm flexible! And in need of local friends!
Sex: A week and a half
Love: The day after we had sex. This was not part of the plan. I didn't even let myself think the word "love" in those first couple of weeks, since I had had other relationships where we were ~in love~ but it blew up in like three weeks. But he blurted out "I love you" when I was totally gross and un-charming (I was 19 and drunk-sick for the first time), so I figured it must be true.
Living together: We signed a lease 5 years in, but we sorta lived together on-and-off, first at his apartment and later at my parents' house, starting after a year or so.
Meeting parents: We both lived at home when we began dating. He met my mom when he picked me up for our first date, and the rest of the parent-meeting happened within the first few weeks.
End of honeymoon stage: I don't know, we might still be in it?
Traveling together: 3 months
Spending Christmas with each other's families: almost 4 years
Getting engaged: 6 years 10 months
Talking about getting engaged: 2 months
Took you long enough didn't it: No one asked you
I’m going to San Francisco next Friday! Any recommendations for things to do and eat would be greatly appreciated.
Ferry building! If you can bring yourself to spend 60 bucks per person and also wait several hours, State Bird Provisions! And the Exploratorium is open, so if you’re the sort of person who likes to play with weird physics tricks all day, go there.
Oh, and the ceviche and pisco sours at El Mar!
And if you want a deeply San Francisco experience, go to Trouble Coffee and Coconut Club.
SO MANY OPINIONS.
Look, say you went to Golden Gate Park – to the California Academy of Sciences or the De Young Museum (the tower is free, and the coffee in the cafe is magnificent.) Maybe you even go to the Botanical Garden, because plants are a joy and a delight.
Then you should eat at the Lime Tree or at Marnee Thai – and if you require a snack or a picnic, Arizmendi is right there, and quite good.
I ended up falling down a rabbit's hole of Diana Wynne Jones after that thread! Maybe not good for my productivity, but so (darkly) good!
good luck! Just remember, they don't have to be similar to you (gender, cultural background, etc) to be good therapists for you — sometimes it's really great actually to have someone of the opposite gender or of an older generation. Though they should understand enough about your culture/background/issue to be insightful.
That is f*cked-up in so many ways — one of them being that, in crappy old-school 50s gender normativity, it actually *was* the man who was supposed to frequently carry the ladies' purses and whatnot because that was chivalrous. So your coworkers have graduated to gender essentialism without the helping/thoughtfulness aspects of it, just the truly crappy limiting parts.
I'm with some of the other commenters' suggestions: "Uh, I would really *hope* his masculinity can withstand a purse!" or, "guys, I think he can take it just fine!" — that sort of thing. Definitely wouldn't explicitly say anything about gendering or gender norms, because that can backfire really fast. Good luck — I bet he will appreciate it and it will be good for the office if you can redirect everybody a bit.
sweet!
Mildly embarrassed to admit this, but I did once very successfully pay someone to help me pack books quite affordably via Taskrabbit.com. 2 hrs for $45? It was great because not only did he help, but I packed alongside him so it also got me to DO the packing on time for my move and without procrastinating too much.
–outsourcing wimp extraordinaire