Previously in The Toast’s Friend Fiction series: Barack and Hillary — Friendship On the Agenda.
John Mayer‘s got Shia LaBeouf‘s back these days it seems.
The singer went on a Twitter spree Wednesday morning defending the actor’s latest controversial (and wacky) behavior.
“Re: Shia. Being young and very talented/successful is like dropping in to the top of Mount Everest via helicopter,” Mayer wrote.
“There are moments in life where you need to feel quantum shift, movement. And if where you already are is considered the top…”
He added, “The dumb people disintegrate, and the smart people investigate. That investigation is never comfortable. Or all that pretty.”
But Mayer is one of the few in Hollywood right now to openly support the ‘Nymphomaniac’ star.
John put down his fork. This wasn’t the first Pancake Sunday he’d had to pry a conversation out of Shia — Shia always said, “Listen, you do not want to talk to me before I’ve had my coffee” — but something was different today.
“Something’s different today,” John said.
Shia looked up guiltily from his Lumberjack Slam. “Yeah, you’re wearing a clean shirt today,” he said, but his heart wasn’t in the joke. John still made a notation in their List of Burns – Best Friends Forever Journal, but he wasn’t sure if it was the right call.
“I’m serious, buddy. What’s up?”
“I — no, it’s stupid.”
“What is it?”
“No, it’s really stupid.”
“Shia,” John said quietly. “Have you noticed that almost everything you say about yourself is negative?”
Shia nodded slowly. “I know.”
“That’s not a criticism,” John said. “I just wonder if you’re being gentle with yourself when you need to.”
“I know.”
“If you don’t practice self-care, how can you care for others?”
“It’s hard sometimes.”
“Believe me, I know.”
“It’s hard to believe you’ve ever had trouble being kind to yourself,” Shia said.
John pushed away his Moons Over My Hammy. “Whoa, there, Shy. Just because I’m in a good place right now — don’t be fooled into comparing my outsides to your insides. That’s a mistake that leads to stinking thinking.”
“Sometimes,” Shia said, “sometimes I feel like I’m never going to get my quantum shift.”
John reached across the table and squeezed Shia’s hand, because he was comfortable in his physicality and wasn’t afraid to show his friend that he cared. “Shia. Spirit Brother. I’ve been there. Remember when Room For Squares dropped? That was a total Everest moment, and I didn’t even have a helicopter.”
“Yeah,” Shia said.
“So let me be your helicopter. Let it all out.”
John sat back and waited, because he wasn’t afraid to sit in silence with another living soul on this crazy blue marble.
“Do you ever feel like — I don’t know — like you…” Shia began.
“…Want to run through the halls of your high school?” they said at once.
There was a pause. A silence as warm and as understanding as a favorite sweater. Then they both screamed at the top of their lungs.
Images courtesy @danacbell, @beckchel, and @robvonramm.
Tags: best friends forever, friend fiction, i do not like either of them separately very much but together they are precious, i just found out there’s no such thing as the real world, i was born to write hacky fan fiction, john mayer, shia labeouf
I see this…I see this happening and love it.
Thank you!
this is not where I thought this was going from those tweets last night
We got the afternoon
You got this room for Holes
One thing I’ve left to do
Constantine me
Constantining you
One mile to every inch of
Disturbia like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your Transformers tongue
And if you want love
We’ll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your I, Robot
And Surf’s Up
This is bound to be a while
Your body is an Eagle Eye
Your body is a Eagle (I’ll use my hands)
Your body is a Eagle Eye
“Disturbia like porcelain” sums up the experience of reading this comment pretty perfectly. (Shia will always be Louis Stevens to me–I forget he has an actual “body of work” by now.)
Ditto to the Louis Stevens comment–Shia looks unnervingly like my little brother, so my brain will not allow me to think of him as anything past his Disney Channel era. (My little brother remains about 8 years old in my mind, nevermind that he is in grad school.)
PLEASE DO NOT SEXUALIZE THIS WONDERFUL AND LIFE AFFIRMING PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP
But Mallory, you’ve got them photoshopped making out! What are people supposed to think?
No no No! Smelling another persons hair deeply or giving an awkward side hug while kissing a cheek wetly (imagined wetness, I wasn’t there) is totally platonic. Totally.
LOOK CLOSELY THAT IS A FRIENDLY CHEEK KISS
But if they decide that’s the best thing for their relationship, who are we to stand between Mayer and the Beef?
I’d watch that show, Mayer and the Beef.
John is the Mayer of Beeftown.
That went from adorable to horrifying real quick.
I was gonna say that even John Meyer has better taste than to go to Denny’s willingly, but then I thought about it, and nope, he belongs in a Denny’s, home of the heartworn and hungry. Shia’s gonna be super disappointed with the coffee though.
I needed to hear this today: “don’t be fooled into comparing my outsides to your insides”. Totally serious.
Did anyone else get a (wonderful!) I ♥ Huckabees vibe from this?
“Being young and very talented/successful”
Oy. That slash is doing yeoman’s work.
I like this even though the thought of John Mayer makes my very skin crawl.
(It’s just, as a lady, I really love ballads from a noted misogynist about how treating women well is important because they’re someone’s mother and daughter, you know what I mean???? Love him!)
Don’t forget that he’s pretty racist too! As if misogyny wasn’t enough.
“That was a total Everest moment, and I didn’t even have a helicopter.”
It’s so important to be gentle with oneself. I mean, usually. Sometimes it’s more important to STFU and listen to the world and wonder, “am I the problem, maybe?”
Here’s hoping John and Shia help each other to that special place.
“Let me be your helicopter.”
Indeed.
typing through the tears
is it a low-grade fever or is it the warmth… of friendship
I come for the writing, I stay for Mallory’s tags.
Primal screaming in a family restaurant does sound inconsiderate enough to be a thing John Mayer would do.
Mallory only your fan fiction could make me care for either of these dudes even a little.
Definitely only a tiny amount of caring going on, but it is definitely your fault.