In Touch Magazine claims to have obtained a list of celebrity conquests after Oppenheimer made it for a group of friends at the Chateau Marmont poolside bar and then left without paying. The list appears to be written on a pad of paper from the children’s board game Mouse Trap and includes the names of dozens of famous men.
Some may be surprised to learn that the world-famous scientist, who died in 1967 and once memorably declared “physics and desert country” were his “two great loves,” would keep such a detailed list of 21st-century celebrity hookups, but handwriting experts on the In Touch team were able to verify his signature just below Wilmer Valderrama’s name — “J.R.O. — Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds (in bed),” famously uttered after the Trinity nuclear tests in 1944.
Before the release of the list, Oppenheimer was perhaps best known for the Born–Oppenheimer approximation for molecularwave functions, work on the theory of electrons and positrons, the Oppenheimer–Phillips process in nuclear fusion, and the first prediction of quantum tunneling, as well as bit parts in 2000′s Life Size costarring Tyra Banks and the Disney Channel movie Brink!, a loose adaptation of Hans Brinker. Oppenheimer has fallen off the celebrity radar as of late, but this list of his 36 most famous sex partners has made him the subject of cocktail-party chatter.
While Oppenheimer has been characterized as a difficult and mercurial professor, most were surprised to discover the list, which included numerous catty remarks about each list entry’s personal grooming habits, behavior during sex, and apartment size — with the exception of one-blurred out name that was surrounded by stars and hearts. Numerous industry insiders agree that the star-and-heart-encircled name is almost certainly John C. Reilly.
Oppenheimer could not be reached for comment, although former friend and colleague Richard Feynman told reporters he “wasn’t surprised [Oppenheimer] started naming names. It’s about time. I could tell you a few stories about Colin Farrell too.”
Tags: celebrity hookups, j. robert oppenheimer, lists of people you did it with, sex
How did a fugly slut like J. Robert Oppenheimer trick Heath Ledger (RIP) into sleeping with him? Sooooo shady, why would ruin Heath like that J-Op??? UGH.
Finally. A reason to slut-shame Oppenheimer-the sluttiest of sluts. Oh so slutty.
Surely you mean Sluttenheimer, not Oppenheimer, right?
Definitely. Slutbert Sluttenheimer.
S. Slutbert Sluttenheimer.
He called it “Fat Man” but behind his back, they all referred to it as “Little Boy.”
PLEASE MAKE SLUT JOKES ABOUT DECEASED PHYSICISTS ALL DAY IN THIS THREAD YOU GUYS
Do not even get me started on Niels Bohr. The man had six sons with his wife and wasn’t SATISFIED WITH THAT. He was such a slut, he would sleep with a Butterball Turkey if he thought it would give him a daughter.
Also, he was known around the physics labs as “Kneels” Bohr. ‘Nuff said.
And it ran in the family, too. His son Aage Bohr was a total hoor.
Einstein’s illegitimate child would love to play in this thread, but Einstein lost her somewhere. Also, Marie Curie, but I actually have AN ARTICLE ON THIS VERY SITE coming out about her soon, a fact I still can’t believe in.
Baron Rutherford was constantly reminding people that he came from “Down Under,” nudging them with his lab-coat-clad elbow to make sure they “got it.” He was reputed to wear nothing under that white coat. He was SUCH a SLUT.
And what do you think Wilhelm Roentgen’s motivation was to develop the X-ray? That’s right, he was an exhibitionist and was constantly luring people into his lab to show them his see-through “dick pics.” He, too, was a well-known SLUT. He was, in fact, perhaps the sluttiest of the great 19th-century physicists, who were overall a randy and shameful bunch.
One thing I don’t get: why did Lohan Oppenheimer enumerate the lovers in dozen-entry columns? Is each column meant to represent a category of some kind?
Wait, never mind. Apparently it’s a Scattergories score sheet.
You’d think a bright guy like JRO would’ve been able to organize everyone by letter, you know, for more points…
Couldn’t even spell “Efron” right, maybe we’re giving Sluttenheimer too much credit here.
If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of J. Robert Oppenheimer mid-coitus.
James Franco is such POLYMATH SLUT STARFUCKER. Like it’s not enough to get a Columbia MFA, and adapt Faulkner, and publish books, and be a mainstream AND indie film actor, he also needs to fuck the major scientific minds of our time. SLUT.
Feynman said he was sensational in bed, but Fermi said JF was only OK.
Fermi pick-up line: “Wanna come back to my place to see my Chicago Pile, nudge nudge wink wink…”
Sagan’s review:
The Joliot-Curies were pretty disappointed in his stamina, IIRC.
given that my existence is directly indebted to the Manhattan Project I am SO INTO THIS. (more like XXX-10, amirite?)
As someone whose education up to the age of 22 was probably half-funded by the legacy of the Manhattan Project, PREACH!
(You’re from Oak Ridge? I’m from Oak Ridge!)
MY MOM JUST RETIRED FROM Y-12! (did you ever have Benita Albert as a teacher?)
I LOVE MRS. ALBERT! When did you graduate?
2010; my older sister graduated in 2004. There is a chance we are vaguely acquainted!
I graduated in 2002! (I am an Internet old.)
I’d say I’m more of a young ’round these parts. Depending on your extra-curriculars we might have some sort of connection? My twin and I put a song about Oak Ridge on our last record; it might resonate with your upbringing, too
Marry: Oppenheimer, Fuck: Fermi, Kill: Teller
Killing Teller is almost always the correct move in M/F/K: Twentieth Century Physicists Edition.
More like J. Robert Hookup-inheimer AMIRITE.
Also somewhat acceptable: J. Robert UpInHymen
Oppenheimer? I hardly know her!
Einstein's illegitimate child would love to play in this thread, but Einstein lost her somewhere. Also, Marie Curie, but I actually have AN ARTICLE ON THIS VERY SITE coming out about her soon, a fact I still can't believe in.
Everyone knows half of Justin Timberlake’s songs are about his failed amour with Oppenheimer. Cry me a river, indeed.