Zeus’ Girlfriend Goes To Church -The Toast

King Akrisios had a daughter of surpassing beauty, Danaë, but no son. Eventually he sent a messenger to the Oracle at Delphi to ask what hope he had for an heir. He received a grim prophecy in answer: he would have no son, but his grandson would kill him.

Then Akrisios locked his daughter in a bronze chamber and refused to let her out. But Zeus, smitten by her beauty, slipped through a high window in a shower of golden coins and seduced her. Danaë gave birth to the hero Perseus nine months later.

The Prayers of Danaë: An Illustrated Dialogue

hey
hello
at church huh
yes
praying huh
yes
who are you praying to
no one in particular
see the statue of the guy out in front
yes
the statue of the guy whose temple that is i mean
yes
that’s me
i know who it is
okay just checking
just checking to make sure you know this temple is for me
i do
for praying to me
i’m sorry i can’t really do this
i’m praying to Hera right now
oh my god
are you serious
oh my god don’t do that
please don’t do that
i’m so serious please don’t do that
I’m not
you’re not?
no I was just
I was just joking
oh my god
ahhhh
for a second i was like
oh my god I’m totally going to have to turn Danaë into a bear or a swan or a bear eating a swan while turning into a stone tree or something
ahahahaha

Danaë
Danaë remember that time
remember that time we did it
when I turned into a bunch of gold coins and we did it
in your dad’s basement
please
it’s very uncomfortable when I try to pray and you bring that up when I’m in the middle of the temple
sorry
no of course
I just
remember it though
yes
awesome
that’s awesome

i just want you to know
that out of everybody else praying to me in this temple right now
you are far and away the hottest
thank you
i’m serious
it’s not even close
there’s a Thracian woman out in the semi-holy antechamber who has arguably a better ass
but overall she’s not really a threat
like her face is a mess
compared to yours
thank you
a total mess
shouldn’t you be listening
to what
to everyone else praying to you in this temple right now
oh my god no

danaë what are you doing after
doing after what
after praying
i’m going to the well
do you want to have sex
i could turn into money again

would you like to meet him
meet who
Perseus
our son
our son Perseus
sorry new temple who is this
Zeus you can’t do this to me
you have reached the temple of Odin
Sorry I’m not in right now
please direct your prayer to the nearest one-eyed crow
and she’ll make sure I get your supplication as soon as possible

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Add a comment

Comments (45)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

+99 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 575 weeks ago

I feel like you captured Zeus's incredible dickery very well here.

(You know what I love most about many of the pre-christian faiths? The Gods were basically like people with incredible powers. Their stories are like soap operas. It's great.)

Zeus’ Girlfriend Goes To Church

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

Forgot password?

Comments (45)

Post a new comment