Dirtbag Jason and the Argonauts -The Toast

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HYPSIPYLE: welcome to Lemnos
you will find there are no men here
as we have murdered all our husbands

JASON: niiiice

HYPSIPYLE: you see, we neglected our worship of Aphrodite and as punish – what?

JASON: aw yeah I like a challenge

HYPSIPYLE: you misunderstand
this place is cursed
no man –

JASON: I see you’re admiring my coat
Athena made it
ever heard of her?

HYPSIPYLE: woe betide any man who –

JASON: you can murder me anytime you want
if you know what I mean


JASON: you can straight up murder my dick with sex
fuck me right up, fuck-wise

JASON: hey babe I gotta head out early
if it turns out I got you pregnant I don’t want you raising my son
I mean…you’re crazy, you kill men
so give it to your parents
obviously it goes without saying that if you have a girl throw both it and yourself into the sea
I mean I’ll say it just in case you weren’t planning on it, but
I don’t trust you to raise my son and I don’t feel like waiting around to see if you have one so just give him to the people who raised you and things should work out fine
I gotta go find part of a sheep

JASON: all right let’s get out of here

TELAMON: should we make sure everyone is on board first

JASON: “should we make sure everyone is on board first”
hey if anyone’s not on board, speak up now



TELAMON: Hylas isn’t here

JASON: who

squire and lover to Hercules

JASON: who

strongest man living, son of Zeus
one of our sworn companions

JASON: a of all “and lover” is implied when you say squire
you don’t need to add it on
obviously we are all having sex with our squires
that is just a given
and second of b
if they’re BOTH missing
it cancels each other out


JASON: both is the same as neither
Jesus, it’s MATH
one subtracts the other

TELAMON: I don’t –

JASON [pulling up the anchor]: Let’s GOOO
ive already fucked everything on this island
i wanna go somewhere else now

AETES: welcome to Colchis
I know what you have come for
and you may have the Golden Fleece only if you pass a series of tests designed to challenge you to the utmost of your strength and cunning

JASON: you got it

MEDEA: Jason, I love you, I would die for you
from the first moment I saw you I knew I would do anything for you

JASON: oh wow
well obviously I feel the same way
and also this is super convenient for me because I actually have a huge favor I need to ask you
help me defeat all your father’s trials and also just in general help me defeat him as a person

MEDEA: all I ask for is your fidelity and anything I have is yours
but I warn you
do not promise me something you cannot keep
for if you were ever to betray me after I cast aside my own family for you
I would swear revenge so black, so foul, the gods themse –

JASON: yeah absolutely
fidelity is like my number one favorite thing
let’s do this
i’m all in, Mads

MEDEA: my name is Medea

JASON: I know that
I knew that
that’s just my special nickname for you
my special fidelity nickname

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