Never forget Lisa Hanawalt’s illustrated review of War Horse:
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I know nothing is going to happen at this point, and it’s been well over a decade, but I really do think that the guy who actually killed Kirsty MacColl (kisses fingers, gestures towards Kirsty MacColl in heaven) got away with it.
(or)
(or, being adorably bad at music videos)
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If a woman asks for an extra patty on her cheeseburger, there is no need to say “you know that’s two-thirds of a pound of meat, right?” SHE KNOWS, thnx. #butcharms4lyfe
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bitches gotta eattttt:
it would’ve been all good if it had been a motherfucking tuesday. on a tuesday i could’ve gotten a reservation for earlier than nine goddamned thirty and would’ve already been home in bed flossing the cauliflower fritters out of my teeth by the time jimmy fallon came on. god, that is the buttery shit about going out during the week, the fact that you can get a four-top at the most happening shit and still get nine hours of sleep before work. saturdays are for laying around all day texting “brunch?” to every bitch in your phone while reading all the magazines piled next to the toilet in your bathroom. saturdays are for weird shit like cleaning your makeup brushes and buying vegetables at the farmers market that you have no intention of ever cooking. before you had chin hair saturdays were for sleeping until nightfall then dragging your ass to the disco on stilts, but now that you have a savings account you’re all “can’t we just watch this top chef marathon in our pajamas and get a pizza!?” in my obama voice: YES WE CAN.
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I am doing this link roundup on Sunday night, so I’m completely confident that by the time you read it, national outrage over the manifested misogny of the UCSB shooter will have resulted in a golden age of self-examination and better conduct for all.
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This piece by a dad about his son’s Down Syndrome and attempt to find employment is really amazing, and also makes you think about how difficult navigating these situations has to be for families with fewer resources and less ability to work the system over for all it’s worth:
What is Jamie capable of doing for a living? Our first checklist filled us with despair: factory work, nope; food service, nope (not fast enough); hotel maid service, nope; machine and auto repair, nope. (Though Jamie expressed interest in auto repair — not a moment of astonishing self-awareness.) With one agency, Jamie had two CBWAs followed by detailed five-page write-ups: one doing setup for conferences and meetings (tables, chairs, A/V), the other doing shelving at a supermarket. Neither went well. He had trouble stacking chairs, dealing with the duct tape for the A/V setup, and attaching skirts to tables. At the supermarket he had trouble with the U-boat, the device that carts dozens of boxes out into the aisles — and besides, they were only hiring graveyard shift.
The result? For two months, it was basically YouTube in the basement, as Jamie gradually realized (with what I think was a kind of horror) that I hadn’t been kidding about that part. Finally, the local sheltered workshop for people with disabilities offered him an 8:30-2:30 slot twice a week — and then three times a week. On top of that, I sent out a few emails and got him an afternoon of volunteering once a week at the children’s museum. And most recently, another agency set up a six-month trial volunteering at the Y, doing janitorial work twice a week in two-and-a-half-hour shifts. If the trial goes well, we are told, he will be hired. They like him enormously at the Y. The only question is whether he will learn how to do the vacuuming, sweeping and cleaning on his own; right now, the people at his agency are very generously and carefully supervising him minute by minute.
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Did you miss “Fairy Tales Are Women’s Tales” yesterday? Don’t!
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This is for you weirdos who are always talking about how you find Jeff Goldblum sexy.
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Darwin’s kids doodled on his Origins of Species manuscript! I bet he was a total Dad about it.
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Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
KIRSTY.
We miss her.
I had no idea that she was gone…how incredibly sad.
Just wanted to throw a thanks in Nicole’s direction for not discussing the USCB shooter by name. He deserves no fame of any type.
Also here is a link to the latest from the #YesAllWomen hashtag.
Some of the (douchey male) responses to that hashtag made me throw my phone across the room in rage yesterday. I think I’m just not cut out for… life, anything? right now
Oh man, I’ve reported a USCB fan page on Facebook TWICE over the last couple of days, and they refuse to take it down because it somehow does not break any of their rules. I’m pretty pissed about it, tbh.
A fan page for the shooter?
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh
super cute how facebook removes photos of women breastfeeding but not hate pages like the ones about the shooter…excuse me while I burn something.
Wow, Matt Lubchansky actually got mentionned in a French Rolling Stone-type magazine as the guy who popularized the expression Not All Men.
You read him here first, folks!
guuuuh why do people always police what food women eat. I’m fat, and I swear to god I can’t put any food in my mouth without someone making a comment or a face.
If I want to go to McDonalds once a fortnight and have a fucking cheeseburger, I will. I am a grown fucking adult and can make my own choices, I am not an infant.
I’m not fat, and I can’t eat in public without people thinking it’s their business to tell me I’m going to be… Normally only once though, I’ve not had anyone brave enough to say anything twice.
Once I was eating chips and guacamole and my dad came into the kitchen and said “Do you really NEED all those snacks?” and I stared at him for a long moment, packed up the food, and stomped away into my room without saying a word. Later on he came up and said “I probably shouldn’t have said that, right?” and I was like “Nope, it was extremely rude and hurtful, even if I am your daughter,” and he apologized and now he doesn’t say shit like that.
But it was pretty crappy at the time.
My dad and brother would do shit like that too. I would always just say, “YUP” and keep on eating, because I didn’t want to show that I was affected by it. I was always really hurt, though.
I went out to buy some junkfood because I am on antibiotics and antimicrobials and my stomach is really unsettled but I still need to eat, and some absolute DICK stopped me IN THE RAIN as I clutched my bags of popcorn and salt and vinegar crisps and told me that I ‘didn’t NEED any more of those’ with a meaningful look at my belly.
Do you require any assistance hiding or burying the body?
It’s alright, the force of my rage incinerated him on the spot. Nothing left but a dark smear on the pavement.
Efficient and less wasteful! Double points.
Also antibiotics are the wooooooorst and I hope your stomach is feeling better now/soon/whenever this was in the past.
I’m only three days into the course and the thing they’re meant to be fixing is getting worse as it desperately attempts to cling on for life and now all I can eat is rice, celery, crisps and flavoured rice cakes.
D:
Environmentalism at its finest! Now you’ve done *two* good deeds for the day!
Salt and vinegar chips are THE BEST when you’re sick! I don’t know why that is, you’d think the vinegar doesn’t mix will with an unhappy stomach but somehow it always works for me…
I hope you stomped in a puddle and splashed on that asshole.
I don’t know why either, but it settles any nausea I feel right down. With that in mind, I eat them! I need food, and longer-term health considerations get rejected in favour of not being hungry.
I think acidity is actually shown to help with upset tummies sometimes. That’s one of the reasons that coca-cola was originally medicinal: bubbles and acid can re-balance a nauseous gut. Dunno why that works, though.
My Dad does that even though I am six-foot-one, swim an hour every morning, and do karate or lift weights for an hour in the evening. Yes, I had a pudgy phase as a teen. These days I can count my ribs and throw you, Dad. My metabolism can handle a couple chocolate chip granola bars.
The worst part is he gets it from his mother, and he knows it’s wrong that she does it. She managed to worry his sister into a life-threatening ulcer.
Your dad apologized. And learned enough to change his habits. Damn, what a great dad. You raised him right.
seriously feel your pain. It’s such a catch 22 – I don’t think anyone even cares if you’re fat, slender, too slender, muscular – WHATEVS. They just can’t seem to back the fuck off women’s plates.
(I reserve my most laser-y of laser-eyed glares for people who concern troll my food choices)
as ever, My Mad Fat Diary gets it absolutely right.
Ugh one time my boss saw me heating up my lunch and was like “You are going to eat ALL of that?” I used to have an eating disorder and hate eating in front of other people as it is.
Quitting that job was a great mental health decision for me.
PREACH. I am gonna eat this ice cream and I’m gonna eat it in public and I’m gonna enjoy the hell outta it!!!
I eat All the Food, and my coworkers always have something to say about it, usually “how can you eat so much and stay so thin?” or simply “JEEZ LASSO ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO EAT ALL OF THAT” or worse, they laugh. Fuck you!!!!!! I eat what I want, and I don’t comment on your lunch so don’t comment on mine.
This has actually never happened to me (that I can remember) but literally every time I buy food or eat food in public I am AFRAID it will.
Literally every time I’ve eaten at a Five Guys, I have ordered a regular burger and been asked, “You know that’s two patties, right?” It drives me RIGHT UP THE WALL, because one, quit trying to fucking police my dinner, and two, it’s such a small and unprovable thing that I feel like I can’t get away with being visibly mad about it. I’m so glad y’all are mad about this too, I’m gonna sit right here in this thread and we can all be mad together.
I KNOW the hashtag is “butch arms,” but I can only read it as “butt charms.” 4 LYFE
OH! That’s what it says. I was wondering what a butt charm was…
At least you knew that. I was very confused until you told me.
I really couldn’t figure out why “butt” was missing a t. I may have attempted to solve this problem for more than a small number of seconds.
Butt charms are the new vajazzle
I am so glad I am not alone in this.
every once in a while I just wake up in a certain state of being, and if I mix that state of being with misogynistic stuff I mentally feel like The Hulk, and dream of ripping off my clothes and striding around my world smashing things in little torn up pants. I usually manage to catch myself, but I feel like one of these days I’ll let it go too far and will end up ripping off my clothes and striding my pasty ass around my office while making baby dinosaur noises.
but then i find stuff like this, the only antidote for this condition: http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2014/05/26/25-horrif…
I am totally de-Hulked now.
Why do all the animals look fine with human eyes, but the humans look TERRIFYING with animal eyes??
THE CHILD WITH THE CHICKEN EYES D:
For me I wake up in the morning and take RAGE-FILLED SHOWERS. I allow myself to feel fully all of the shittiness that you are speaking of, and then when I get out of the shower, I make a real effort to move along with my day/life. The bigots of the world would be in real trouble if I did not have this daily ritual, I think.
I’m gonna say loud and proud that I would let Jeff Goldblum GET IT.
Those hands!
*fans self in the manner of a 1950s housewife staring at the teenage lawn boy.*
SECONDED.
Yes ma’am.
Anybody else notice him copping a feel in the third photo down?
Judging by her face, the feel-coppee noticed it too 😀 Normally I don’t condone such behavior, but Goldblum, you know? And I’m sure it’s unintentional.
All of the discussions around #YesAllWomen and the responses from braindead point-missing defensive knee-jerk dbags all weekend long has just made me wish we had a planet we could colonize solely with People Who Get It so that I could go there and never have to be this angry again.
In other news, I adopted a sweet puppy this weekend, and spent most of the weekend avoiding the internet to play with him. Which is good, because the few times I DID get on the internet, my rage levels spiked almost immediately.
PUPPY. Please tell us ALL ABOUT THE PUPPY, with pictures if possible.
I tweeted a few pictures last night, here is my favorite of them!
THAT’S BASICALLY THE FACE I MADE WHEN HE GAVE ME A SLEEPY LITTLE KISS IN THE SHELTER
I LOOKED AT MR. HOOVIAN AND I WAS LIKE ‘WE HAVE TO WE HAVE TO IF YOU SAY NO I WILL DIE’ (he wasn’t gonna say no anyway, he was making the same face)
Awwww! I am 100% in favor of people naming their dogs Indiana JUST IN CASE they have children and can then relish saying “we named the DOG Indiana…”
That’s pretty much why I lobbied as hard as I did for Indiana. Our other possible name was Dexter, but then look at that face. HE LOOKS LIKE AN INDIANA.
Once I’m confident he’ll sit still so I can take the picture I’m going to put him in my cheap halloween costume Indy hat for some photo awesomeness.
YAY PUPPY
YES PUPPY PICS PLEASE!!! I’m teetering on the edge of upturning my life by adopting a dog right now (a specific one that I fell in love with and have been taking out on walk-dates from the local rescue) and I want to live vicariously through others.
OMG ADOOOPT THE PUPPY ADOOOOOOPT IT
Here’s a picture of him!
HER NAME IS PISTACHIO AND SHE IS A TAN AND WHITE PETITE PIT BULL AND SHE LOVES TO BE HUGGED AND SHE SQUINTS WHEN YOU PET HER AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH <3
(ETA: YOUR PUPPY LOOKS SO SQUEEZABLE)
ADOPT THE PUPPY NOWWWWW
I LOVE HER SO MUCH THAT I REALLY MAY ADOPT HER GUYS BUT MY LANDLORD, AND MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND, AND MY SCHOOL AND WORK SCHEDULE, AND IT’S SO HECTIC ARRRGGGHHHHH. WHY CAN’T LIFE BE SIMPLE AND FILLED WITH PUPPIES?
Hmmm. These are all valid things. I would be most worried about the landlord and the schedule (though if you aren’t away from the house for 8hr+ stretches and can keep a consistent schedule, that should be fine! Dogs can handle more than we give them credit for, as long as there’s ample love involved). I feel your pain!
yes, landlord could probably be persuaded, although maybe now, and I’m not sure I have the energy. That with my schedule (sometimes, unfortunately, I am away from the house 10+ hours easily, sometimes more… FML)
As someone who regularly travels for work and is gone for 10 to 12 hours at a time and can therefore not have a doggie, I feel for you deeply.
I am currently half-heartedly job-hunting because my current position offers really, really no growth potential. But it does offer good pay and almost-full-time teleworking, which means I could stay in this job and buy a condo and adopt a super-sweet pit bull from the local shelter and keep reading The Toast all day long. And then sometimes I wonder why I’m bothering with the resume-sending.
OMG PISTACHIO
ADOPT HER ADOPT HER ADOPT HER
I MEAN, LOOK AT US, WE’RE CLEARLY BFF’S <a https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=101524064…
Do it do it do it.
But don’t admit to landlord that she’s a pit. Ask the shelter to call her something else. Don’t have pit bull on paper anywhere if you can help it.
Make something else up to explain the pibble characteristics. My phone is not cooperating with any pic(s) but depending on what she looks like, Boston terrier or boxer mix can be useful to explain the stocky body and square head.
I <3 my little pit girl.
“Terrier mix”
“Boxer/lab cross”
“Her momma was a terrier and daddy was a rolling stone” etc etc etc. (I can’t see the picture of the Pistachio baby but I have total faith that we will be able to come up with something plausible. Pibble baaaaabies.)
fixed the link! it should work now?
It’s giving me a facebook error message (does not exist/do not have permission/etc.). WEEPING.
http://www.petango.com/sms/photos/1998/93b38f3e-8…
OK – try this, it’s just her without me.
OH HER LITTLE FACE, I love herrrrr
I really think you should do it.
OMG HER LITTLE FACE SHE IS A DOLLBABY.
If you get her you can totally pass her off as a Lab/Boxerish mix for landlord purposes.
baaaaaaaaaaby
D’AWWWWWWWWW SUCH A SWEET FACE OMG
D’awww what a sweetie!
It’s raining. It’s been raining for days. The Prettiest Dog In The World won’t go out into the yard to pee if it’s raining, but she will pee all over the neighbor’s lawn if I walk her. In the rain. Where I have to get wet. Soaking wet feet, because the tiniest amount of precipitation in my street instantly forms a giant lake in front of my house (and only my house.)
The Prettiest Dog In The World can’t hold it all day. So I have to walk her. In the rain. Many times per day. Because I just spent a million dollars getting that nice rug I inherited from my grandmother cleaned, and she hasn’t peed on it once since I got it home, but I know if I don’t walk her, multiple times today and throughout the rest of this rainy week, that ship will sail.
(I mean, get a dog! Dogs are the best! Even though I’m a cat person. But also, get a spare raincoat, because sometimes one is still dripping wet from the last time you had to walk the puppy in the rain and it’s better to put on a dry one for the next venture outside.)
Pics! Pics required!
Here is my spoiled-ass pup refusing to go out in the rain. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=247248128…
She’s lucky she’s cute.
Clearly she is a delicate flower and the rain will destroy her ladylike constitution.
(SO CUTE, SUCH PUPPY EYES, MUCH FACE, WOW)
SO cute
Here’s The Prettiest Dog In The World – one of my favorite of her: https://twitter.com/dakimel/status/46449899929090…
And here she is w/ one of my sons:
Awwwwwww!
WHAT A SWEETHEART BABYFACE.
I thought maybe you were exaggerating, but she really is the prettiest dog in the world. She looks surprisingly similar to a dog in my neighborhood, known as The Happiest Dog In The World. Her special ninja move: prancing with a doggy smile on her face.
Prettiest Dog is a charmer with her own family, but woe to anyone who gets between us – me especially – and her. She is ON GUARD.
So beautiful! I love it when dogs have eyebrows.
Oh, her face and colouring and ears look a lot like my old prettiest dog in the world, except he had more white! His name was Prince, he was a delight to family and friends and a cowering wreck (never aggressive, just terrified) around anyone else, but he was VERY pretty.
LOL. My boyfriend doesn’t really care if I eat or not, particularly, so long as I am not hangry and my butt doesn’t get any smaller. He’s not less shallow, he just prefers lots of butt.
The real crime here is that now I want a cheeseburger.
No it’s that I put away food like a fucking champ and men are all like “I like a woman who eats!” No you fucking don’t, you like a woman who doesn’t get a chance to eat a lot very often so she’s skinny. If I ate like I wanted to all the time you wouldn’t like me very much at all.
OR it’s them saying “I like a woman who eats but looks like she doesn’t [due to metabolism, health issues, time crunch, lack of nutrients in other ways, etc etc etc].”
I want a fucking cheeseburger now too.
Exactly. Exactly this. Also why if anyone says “You look so skinny!” I say “Buy me a cheeseburger. *hard stare*”
“Oh Iceberg you’re so funny!”
“Oh you thought I was joking?”
‘I like a woman who eats’ but you still want her to be skinny, not muscular, and well-put-together.
What they want is a woman who doesn’t actually have to put any effort into looking any particular way, and who lives her life to be attractive and cool to him. What they don’t want us to be is fallible human flesh piles who gain weight and get wrinkles and fart, because that way they have to consider that we may have inner lives, and dreams and desires that don’t revolve around them.
Sorry. I am an angry little misandrist today, but the way men are reacting about this shooting is making me hate all but a small selection of them.
OH MY GOD FARTING okay so that’s one of those things that like, every last human on the earth does, but for some reason when women do it there always seems to be a man nearby to give you the absolute most over-the-top response of EWWWW GROSS JESUS CHRIST WOMAN EWWWWW… only to let one 80x worse rip like, five minutes later, and expect you to laugh it off with him.
Are you sure these are men and not twelve-year-old boys? Quick way to check: do they also get really mad if you touch their side of the backseat?
If so, you should consider it in the spirit of the high praise it is intended to be.
Wait, there’s a time when they *stop* being twelve-year-old boys? When does that kick in?
I knew a guy in college who INSISTED that girls don’t poop and only flowers come out of our butts. I mean, he knew, obviously, that this was not true, but it was his version of “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” when it came to The Fairer Sex plus dookie.
#buttcharms
I enjoyed Dane Cook for a brief, fleeting moment (I am a sucker for jokes about Communion wafers) and as soon as he did a joke about breaking up a girl because she farted on his leg IN HER SLEEP I was like, I’m out.
Good news, Toasties: good men do exist. Long after the fact, I learned I got a second date with my now-husband only because I passed the first date test: He bought me a very fine steak and I ate every bit with gusto. He cooks as a hobby and wanted a woman who would eat!
Me, I’m not stupid. I married him because he does all the cooking.
One figure wearing a turban is riding what archivists think could be a stale potato and the other is on what appears to be a giant carrot, crossed with a dog.
I call BULLSHIT on the archivists. Stale potato? If ever there was a drawing of a purple turnip crossed with a horned camel, that Darwin kid drew one.
that Darwin child drawing is the best thing ever, it’s so adorable!
“Sorry, you’ve already voted on that comment,” this website tells me as I attempt to thumbs-up this comment multiple, multiple times.
It’s a beet. Definitely. I’m pretty sure it’s a beet.
That image you posted along with the War Horse illustrated response was my desktop background for months, eventually replaced with the horse talking about how he thought they were just dicking around.
I also have lyrics to the Jurassic Park theme. They go “There are dinosaurs/and Jeff Goldblum, too.”
I have the one with all the different kinds of periscopes in my slideshow background. The tin cans & string one cracks me up every time it comes up.
We have tickets to the Broadway tour of War Horse this weekend, and while I’m sure it’ll be better than the movie, I’m also sure that it’ll never be better than Hanawalt’s illustrated response.
I can verify that the stage show is, in fact, SO GOOD. I saw it at Lincoln Center in 2012, and there was much weeping. Also, GIANT PUPPETS.
JAMIE oh mannnn
My sister dated a guy whose sister had Down’s, and she was the most gregarious, whip-cracking person I’ve ever met. She once told off a bully on the city bus who tried to make fun of her. She was on her way to her job and she basically dressed him down, “I’m going to my job! Where are you going? You probably don’t do anything but ride the bus to the mall.” YA BURNT!
One afternoon we sat together, making paper airplanes. She was really disappointed in my work – mine would nosedive every time – but she was really nice about it. “Maybe you should just draw instead.”
I’m trying to decide if the story about Darwin’s kids is real or not. Phrases like “one figure wearing a turban is riding what archivists think could be a stale potato” make it hard.
I’m pretty sure there’s a reference to the drawings in Janet Browne’s thoroughly awesome two volume biography of Darwin (specifically vol. 2, The Power of Place, which picks up with the publication of On the Origin of Species in 1859). I’m actually more surprised that the archivists don’t know which kid did the drawings; the Darwin Correspondence Project is amazingly comprehensive. On the other hand, he did have a lot of kids.
The Darwins were awesome, so I believe it. Gwen Raverat’s memoir about growing up Darwin (she was one of the grandchildren) is one of the funniest things I have ever read. It’s called Period Piece, and I don’t know if it’s still in print or not but it’s amazing.
When I think about employment for people with disabilities, I am of two minds:
(1) Disability should prevent someone from finding fulfilling work that allows them to be independent and support themselves
(2) Capitalism is stupid, and who says that “employment” + “supporting oneself” is the only means of being a successful member of society?
I think you may have left out a word in (1)? (“Disability should NOT prevent someone, etc”?)
Yikes, you’re right! That should definitely read “disability should NOT prevent…” Thanks, EPWordsnatcher!
(I thought EPWordsnatcher just snatched the word NOT from your comment.) (That is how she operates, right?)
😀
In respect to Number (1), finding that employer who will go above and beyond to support her/his employee’s physical and/or mental challenges while paying a living wage is, unfortunately, like finding a needle in a haystack, if they even exist at all.
And totally agree with Number (2) in terms of societal views and “worthy” labour.
Totally agree with both, but especially (2).
Got on the bus this morning wearing one of my Cute Summer Dresses and Cute New Sunglasses. Got a literal “well, hello” from the g-d bus driver. Kind of surprised he was able to safely transport me to work after I reduced him to a smoldering pile of ash.
The article about Jamie and his father is amazing. My mom was a special-education teacher for over 20 years and sometimes I want to cry when I think about what a beautiful job she did giving so much love and light to people whom society tends to immediately disregard. Her students were all incredible individuals, and my mom was the perfect person to recognize that and to advocate for each of them. I’m so glad that Jamie has the support of his family, because I know for a lot of my mom’s students, school was the only place where they were really recognized as people.
Agree, this article brought me to tears (loving Dads will always bring the big feels).
*I almost wrote “wet feels” because, you know, tears and runny noses, then did a double read and thought, “ewwwww”.
A friend of mine has an article today about Frozen and the meaning of the dance moves used in the “Let it Go” sequence. Not sure I agree with all of her conclusions but the discussion of different dance styles is interesting.
http://www.themorningnews.org/article/let-it-stop
This was a great read!!!
LA Toast meet up at the Rockwell some Wednesday?!
Oh she's such a sweet girl! Pistachio! <3
She *is* very very pretty!
Is there some other forum where meetups are discussed and scheduled? Or do I just have to read the comments (even more) obssessively? I would like to have Seattle Toast friends.
I know there is a Seattle Hairpin group on Facebook (which I found shortly before moving away :/). I suspect it is harboring some toasties.