Movie Girlfriends Hate Heroism -The Toast

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hero1There is nothing in the world a movie hero’s girlfriend hates more than heroism. At every turn, she looks for a way to stymie her doughty lover’s acts of courage. If she had her way, the movie would end 40 minutes in and they’d just play Apples to Apples until they both died of old age.


LADY: don’t go to the big Thing
HERO MAN: I have to though
LADY: please dont
LADY: [secretly proud]


LADY: dont fly that plane there’s sky everywhere
HERO MAN [over the radio]: sorry im already flying it babe
LADY: damn


LADY: dont go to that fight
HERO MAN: babe i got two fists but only one heart
i have to
LADY: i understand
HERO MAN: really?
LADY: no stay home and be afraid with me
HERO MAN: you just dont get it
LADY: i never ever will


LADY: dont go
HERO MAN: im going
LADY: then be careful


LADY: dont go to the big Thing tonight
HERO MAN: i have to
otherwise the guys wont be proud of me
LADY: ill still be proud of you
no offense but
that doesn’t really count
i already have sex with you i dont really need your respect
like seriously no offense but you dont even have a job
LADY: im a scientist doctor
still though


LADY: where are you going
HERO MAN: to do my dangerous job i do
LADY: please dont do it tonight
HERO MAN: dont do my dangerous cool job?
LADY: yeah
dont sell any drugs to antiheroes or strangle guys or kick in some doors because youre a big angry boss man with serious danger inside him
HERO MAN: if you really knew me youd be scared as heck
im knocking man i knock doors youre a big dumb mouth stop crying
LADY: oh man thats scary get out of here go do your job


LADY: dont do the thing you’re supposed to do
HERO MAN: why not
LADY: idk
i just dont want you to


BAD GUY MAN: hey i got your lady
LADY GIRL: oh man i should never have told you not to go to the thing
BAD GUY MAN: you can save your woman lady or you can do the big hero brave action time
you cant do both things
HERO MAN: i just did
BAD GUY MAN: oh wow
LADY CHICK: im pregnant so from now on ill be even more at home

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