“Hi, I’m Aragon, son of Gilraen, son of Ivorwen. Would you or your mother like to rest your feet on me?”
*
“Hi, I’m Celeborn, but you can call me Ofgaladriel.”
*
“Hi, I’m Gimli/Gloin/Thorin/Ori/Dori/Nori/Oin/Dwalin/Fundin/Balin/Bifur/Bofur/Bombur/Dain, son of a super-dope female dwarf who was so cool that we’re forbidden, as men, to utter or even know her name, ever, which is exactly as it should be.”
*
“Hi, I’m Legolas, son of a woman so amazing that she briefly turned Thranduil straight.”
*
“Hi, I’m Boromir, son of Finduilas. When she died, my dad got super grim and weird and ineffectual as a leader, as men so often are.”
*
“My name is Éowyn. I do not bandy words about with men. Get out of my way, or find yourself on the point of my sword. If later I decide I want to amuse myself with your body, I will send word. You may sleep in the stables.”
*
“Hi, I’m Dior, son of Lúthien. Nothing a woman does should be questioned, but my mother should NOT have become mortal for Beren. She should have married mortal male after mortal male, burying each of them when they ceased to be useful to her, and in this way, could have lived forever in glory.”
*
“Hi, I’m Éomer, son of Théodwyn. Had my mother lived, she would never have been taken in by Grima Wormtongue, the name alone would have been a dead giveaway.”
*
“Hi, I’m Lotho, son of Lobelia. Anything bad you’ve heard about my mother is due to the whining of men who feel entitled to be catered to. She’s actually a delightful, if ‘difficult’ woman. How often we decide that women are ‘difficult’ when they agitate for what they want! May I offer you some tea?”
*
“Hi, I’m Sauron. I never had a mother.”
Tags: feminism, jrr tolkien, lord of the rings, misandry
‘I am Arwen. I will neither go into the west, nor make myself mortal for a man. I will live happily without him, and rule the kingdom, and I will run it better than he ever could and for longer’
“Hello, I’m Shadowfax, lord of the Mearas, which means that mostly I figure out where the water is and get the shit kicked out of me by the Alpha Mear if I even flick an ear wrong. How do you think I got so good at the meaning of haste, anyway?”
Sauron, man. And Morgoth. Nothing good comes of men reproducing by themselves, ILUVATAR.
“Hi, I’m Legolas, son of a woman so amazing that she briefly turned Thranduil straight.”
Brava.
Seriously, that is some feat.
Maybe she even got him to take off his cape.
Thranduil: the Actual Fanciest.
I think I want Thranduil as my gender? That’s a choice right?
What’s the preferred pronoun?
As mortals, I suspect we are unworthy to address such sublimity.
*dies laughing*
Sorry, not to nitpick, but wouldn’t it be “son of Gilraen, daughter of Ivorwen”? (you don’t have to approve this comment!)
Never apologize, this is how we roll here.
oh my god how many times do i have to mock the nitpickers before you learn this is not how we roll here
I once wrote a paper about nitpicking (“grammar nazi”ing) being a lot of classist gatekeeping bullshit and it’s a shame that nearly all faculty in every university does it under the guise of ~academic rigor~ BECAUSE COME ON PRIORITIES YOU ASSHOLES
I got a D- because my argument was nonsense according to my then-proffie.
To answer your question, ONE HUNDRED MILLION TIMES
Aragorn is the son of all women in his line. That is how he thinks of himself.
Or: *silence, because a man’s words are unnecessary*
“Hi, I’m Shelob, daughter of Ungoliant. My mother ate the light of the two trees that illuminated the world, but I will settle for eating you.”
And now I’m home.
“Hi, I’m Samwise Gamgee. I’ve lived a truly fulfilling life with my partner Frodo because I was not afraid to diminish my masculinity by fully expressing my love for him.”
(this goes against my preferred canon, but hey)
I played a D&D campaign set in Middle Earth last year. My character was a feminist dwarven bard. Any orcs who didn’t flee her dread piping fled her warhammer. She died gloriously in battle and her tomb is to be seen this day in the restored dwarven realm of Moria.
Hi, I’m Faramir, son of Finduilas, proud to take after her more than my shit father Denethor, may he rot in his grave.
I can’t think of anything more perfect than this. Nicole is a wise and just ruler.
I feel like this is appropriate place to tell everyone I started playing D&D last night as a female dwarven bard, and my performance specialty is Dwarven love songs, and I WILL be writing some because I am a dork and also they are al going to be incredibly dirty.
I once had a halfling bard who was an actress/playwright rather than musician, and I totally wrote a few excerpts, including one that would have been incredibly blasphemous within the world’s theology, just in case I ever needed to get myself thrown in jail. (Alas, the game didn’t run long enough for that to happen.)
Flavor compositions are the best.
female dwarven bards for the win! Mine made a buttload of money busking in Minas Tirith, where dwarven music was a novelty–now, thanks to your character, I’m going to imagine she was singing raunchy songs, à la Nanny Ogg.
I once played as a female dwarven ranger, who gave up mining because she had terrible claustrophobia. My familiar was a badger.
Oh gods, my ugly cackle at Ofgaladriel…
CRYING TEARS OF JOY AT THIS. THANK YOU THE TOAST, FOR MAKING MY BIRTHDAY BE THE BEST DAY EVER I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH.
It’s always nice to have you drop in to say “Hi,” dears
“Hi, I’m Luthian, daughter of Melian the Valar and some dark elf.” “Hi, I’m Earendil, son of Idril Celebrindal and some mortal dude.””Hi, I’m Elwing, daughter of Nimloth and some half-elven dude”.
World of the Silmarillion was totally designed as a matriarchy. No wonder Peter Jackson chose The Hobbit over it.
“If later I decide I want to amuse myself with your body, I will send word. You may sleep in the stables.”
Thank you, Nicole!
Eowyn was always my favorite character in those books, anyway. She and Bill the Pony.
Eowyn was always my favorite character in those books, anyway. She and Bill the Pony.
Nicole, I may be a little in love with you. May I also suggest “I am Haleth, the great”, and “I am Aredhel, and when I was lost in the forest, I beat up that one creepy guy that I met, because he was both creepy and not worthy of my time.”
I’m Tauriel, daughter of Peter Jackson and George Lucas. Half-sister of Azog the albino orc, a hobgoblin born out of the wedlock of the same small minds. We have no mothers worthy of note by Son-of-Jack because that’s more token than Tolkien can take on. Fear the sting of my arrows, propelled forth by the tension of my bowstring and elven sexuality.
Did I do that right? K for serious
//
I am Fangorn, son of a nameless flower-lass. She, ho-hum, she named me for my facial greenage before it even grew. Real Ents are so hasty! Say, you wouldn’t happen to have seen any Ent-men, hoom? The Real Ents and I have, ho-hum, lost the ent-men. They were too, hoooooomhohum, slow.
//
Aragorn: I do not fear death
Eowyn: What do you fear?
Aragorn: Castration by amazons of rohan!
Eowyn: You are a shield-dude of Gondor. I need to keep you around for reproduction and stuff. I do not think that will be your fate.
Hi, I'm Elboron, son of Éowyn, Lady of the Shield-Arm and Lady of Ithilian, who never put down her sword to become a gardener but instead cleared the forests of remaining orc bands while my father stayed home to raise me and tend to administrative duties for the king.