How To Wait Out Your Friend’s Boyfriend -The Toast

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bffs1. Act blandly surprised whenever she asks if she can bring him to an event, no matter how long they’ve been together. “Oh, Dave’s coming too? Sure, that’s fine.”

2. Suggest Sleeping With The Devil for movie night.

3. Learn exactly one thing about him; make that the subject of conversation whenever you see him. It will not be necessary to learn two things.

4. Always grab the bill before he does.

5. Whisper “I will bury you” into his ear while he pours you wine.

6. Behave so irreproachably that no one will ever believe him.

7. Suggest Sleeping With The Enemy for movie night.

8. “I think it’s really important for a man to recognize how magnificent you are, Meredith. I’m glad you think Steve sees that in you.”

9. Never get his job title quite correct. If he’s an Associate Something, call him an Assistant Something. If he tries to correct you, he’ll seem both petty and vain for making sure you get it right.

10. Avoid criticizing him at all costs, but if you must, put the words “It’s endearing how” before your criticism so he takes it as a compliment and the seeds of doubt are planted carefully in her mind. “Something I really like about Greg is [subtly horrifying trait.]”

11. Bring up topics that only you and she know a great deal about, so that he’ll be forced to say something ignorant in order to stay in the conversation.

12. Make sure you tell her how much you like him in front of him, so that he never suspects.

13. “He has great energy. I love how whenever I run into him at he’s in the center of a little clump of women, just regaling them with stories.”

14. Suggest Fried Green Tomatoes for movie night.

15. Steal something small but significant from her apartment every time the three of you are there together, but never when it’s just you and her, so that when she starts to piece together a pattern, she’ll ask you instead of him to fill in the blanks. Also, leave the toilet seat up.

16. Say “I love how you ALWAYS have a Groupon, you’re like Suze Orman! But…I know Rachel really wants to go to [better restaurant], let me treat you.”

17. At her birthday party, immediately after everyone has finished shout-singing “Happy Birthday”: “I think it would be great if we went around the room, and all of us said something we truly love about Annie.” Then deliver a touching, self-effacing tribute to Annie that will leave her in tears. Kick him savagely under the table as he starts his, while smiling warmly at him.

18. Always respond instantly to her texts. Delete hers from his phone if left unattended.

19. “Find” an OkCupid account that has a picture of him she took after they started dating. He’s in “a complicated relationship,” he just wants to meet “friends and activity partners” and to have someone to talk to about life.

20. Suggest Waiting To Exhale for movie night.

21. “Arthur seems to be really open with his friends about your relationship. I guess that’s refreshing in a man, to share the ups and downs.”

22. Always invite the friend of his she likes the least whenever you all get together. Point out their similarities.

23. Kill her dog when you know he’ll be out of town so he can’t be there to support her during the most painful time in her life. Be there for her every step of the way.

24. “Isn’t it wonderful how, when you meet the right person, there is never again a single moment of doubt or questioning? You literally never wonder if there could be another person out there, better suited to you.”

25. Suggest Thelma and Louise for movie night.

26. The next time he leaves his phone unattended, rename two of his contacts Blonde Afternoons and Redhead Yoga Girl.

27. Point out how much other people have noticed that the two of them look like brother and sister. “I didn’t see it at first, but now I can’t stop noticing it! You guys even wear the same size jeans!”

28. Encourage him whenever he suggests an outing she’ll hate.

29. Wait until he’s drunk or sulky, and say, “Isn’t it amazing to think that we’ll all be parents in a few years?”

30. Put a box of tampons that are neither your brand nor hers at the very back of the space under his bathroom sink, opened, and with two-thirds of the contents missing. If she ever brings them up, say “don’t worry, I’m sure lots of guys keep a box of tampons around for guests.”

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